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JackieDecides

JackieDecides: off Lexapro, tapering omeprazole

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JackieDecides

the road have been almost 100% better, just icy on the side roads like on my block. but we have more snow predicted before Monday.

 

for years now, I go back and forth over do I need a new job or a new place to live. since health insurance comes with a job (sometimes, anyway) you would think job first, right? but sometimes I think if I only lived somewhere affordable than I could relax about the job and just work anywhere. Starbucks, even.  if I didn't have so much rent to pay I could live on whatever they pay, probably $9 an hour or something. 

 

so I go through spurts where I read and respond to the roommate wanted ads on Craig's List. most places won't work because I have a dog and one, at least, said I could move in but they had three big dogs (my is little and timid and old) and I decided that would be too stressful for her.

 

I also look for and respond to ads for caregivers. I especially would like to find someone who needs a live-in for nights and weekends, then has others for the week days so that I could work. that would be a great way to save money and I would be a good caregiver, I'm sure. I have tons of work experience with all kinds of health issues and just advanced age. but again, those I have contacted aren't willing to have someone with a dog move in. (and who can blame them?)

 

IF this current job works out, the plan was then to find a new place to move into. but after the last two weeks I'm very afraid it won't work and I need to find yet another job, SO stressful. 

 

and what about relocation? I have become more and more sure that the worst thing I have done to myself is relocate so many times I have lost contact with my "in real life" friends and not made any new ones. if I need a new job and a new place to live, I should relocate somewhere one of the old friends live, right? and re-connect? I sent out feelers and got 2 "nice to hear from you" emails back, but it's hard to pick up the pieces. 

 

I do not have a good plan at all. my blood pressure is back up. the weather has been horrible. 

 

in good news, I have now reading Claire Weeks "Self Help for your nerves" - so that's good. 

 

😐

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JackieDecides

since my anxiety seems to be worse - or at least no better and going on ... a couple of weeks? I keep having those thoughts like "I can't stand it anymore" that I have to argue with. of course I can.

 

what is keeping me going is knowing I had those same thoughts - and for weeks - when I had bad insomnia last November (or whenever it was) and then it got better. the insomnia went away and now, when it pops up again, I know I can handle it.

 

so I am looking forward to the anxiety going away and then my knowing when it pops up again I can handle it. I want to get to that place.  I am hoping the Weekes book is inspiring and gives me confidence. 

 

 

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JackieDecides

the last two jobs I took, this Home Health one in December and the nursing home back in July, I had decided that relocating would be too stressful for me and so a full time job with benefits where I already live was the answer.

the nursing home job was so toxic and stressful I can't even tell you. so I rushed to get another and, now, I have this one.

and it's not working out. my benefits haven't even started yet - although they may already be taking money for them out of my check, I haven't looked - and it's not working out.

 

so, now I will have to relocate, I think. so giant stress, is what I'm saying. 

 

but? I keep thinking that "I feel anxious because this job isn't working" and the reality is I haven't had a job that was working for years and years. I feel anxious because I keep freaking out about the job not working. 

I hope I am stronger than I was last summer because I'm going to need to be. 

 

 

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JackieDecides
2 hours ago, JackieDecides said:

it's not working out. my benefits haven't even started yet - although they may already be taking money for them out of my check, I haven't looked - and it's not working out.

 

or maybe it is too soon to say it isn't working out, I really can't tell. but my immediate reaction to everything wrong (I'm not being paid what I was promised, but I just got an email from my manager saying "It needs to be fixed") my caseload is too low (but that is temporary, maybe) and I can't even log into the site where I can see my paycheck stub. (if I go into the office during a weekday, I should be able to call the helpline and get help with it, yes?)  as I say, my immediate reaction is OMG THIS ISN'T WORKING and I have to get another job right now.

 

which is dumb. 

 

 

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Carmie

Hi JackieDecides, 

 

Thanks for coming around to my thread the other day. I hope everything works out with your job, that must be very stressful for you. We really don’t need any extra stress when going through withdrawals, that’s for sure.

 

Our emotions are ramped up too and some things can actually seem worse than they are. Even the smallest of things can become really big in our eyes. Good ol’ neuro emotions. I hope you are able to cope with the stresses in your life at the moment. Don’t forget self care, rest, and getting some good distractions.

 

Sending hugs🤗

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JackieDecides
17 hours ago, Carmie said:

I hope you are able to cope with the stresses in your life at the moment. Don’t forget self care, rest, and getting some good distractions.

 

I'm glad I have been sleeping OK but I never get any exercise lately, and neither does my poor little dog. 

 

last week I drove in snow conditions that weren't safe, I was afraid to decide not to go because it was giving in to anxiety and it was the wrong decision.

yesterday I didn't go, we have heavy rain (and it's still coming down) and I started driving out of town and seeing the water coming up over the roadway I got very anxious and turned around. I ended up seeing one patient in town and then stayed home the rest of the day. others got around in it just fine, so I may have "given in to anxiety" - just not sure. once this week and once a couple months ago something happened to my car - a short? mechanic wasn't sure - but slushy snow brought it on both times and 3 dash lights (one of them blinking) came on and scared me. so besides driving in the rain I was afraid of the car breaking down or even (and I know this is dumb) I was afraid of looking at those lights again. 

 

and I decided - right or wrong - that I was sick of feeling anxious and I had a glass of wine with lunch and another with supper. it was such a relief not to feel anxious for a few hours!  but what a slippery slope that could be, I am aware. 

 

rain still coming down switching to snow tonight. I will just take it as it comes, see what happens. but plan on NOT having more wine for....today, anyway. 

 

 

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JackieDecides

I have wanted to post here a couple times but then didn't since I feel like I am talking to myself. I have been in a wave for all of February and a bit before then, too, I think.

 

I wish I had been keeping track better so I could say, look, things aren't as consistently bad as they were two weeks ago but I haven't been keeping track.

 

I know that I used to be surprised to read people often have more anxiety (even a spike, that sounds awful) in the mornings whereas I have been used to thinking of myself as a "morning person" and that was when I felt my best.  but in this wave if the anxiety isn't all day long, it tends to wane later in the day and mornings are the worst. so, yay me, fitting in. 😏

 

someone scolded me online for not trying hard enough to socialize by driving to the church I'd been going to last summer. since I read that I have been thinking is it worth it to go back and explain the church is in a city 30 minutes away - that's not too bad - but there is a stretch of road (Washoe Valley) where I am afraid of the freeway even in daylight and with no snow or ice. I have become much, much more anxious driving since a couple bad experiences trying to work these last two weeks and I went to my PRN job for a half day yesterday. on my ONE day off this week I can't force myself to try to drive all that way on the scary freeway and I don't know if I am up for explaining myself. 

 

I am hearing a lot more birdsong these days, despite the cold and snow and clouds. so that's good. 

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