Tom37: Lexapro taper

[Tom37]

Thanks @Dejavu I was thinking about the first 4 to 5 months this morning and the hellish period that was and I know it’s significantly better but still challenging. Maybe it’s because there is a far larger difference between windows and waves that make it still so difficult when you feel worse for a bit. Your right about 9/10 months still been relatively early days, it’s just hard at times to accept that still a way to go. Hope your doing ok and see change for the good soon.

 

Thanks @mdwstrx I’m definitely better than early withdrawal that’s for sure. I go through periods of doing really well with acceptance then have a small period of struggling with it then away I go again. Also think there is a bit of minor trauma from the early days lingering knowing how bad it can get. Do try to turn it into a positive knowing I got through that but still not nice having those memories. I know what you mean about trying to make the most of everyday as we have to get through so why make anymore difficult. Don’t stress about ever not completely getting off and I guess there is a bit of acceptance needed with that too.

 

Anyway......think the main reason I’m finding this period more difficult is my shoulder/back injury. Was in significant pain all last night and this morning so thankfully managed to get into see the physiotherapist. Strained a muscle quite well which has now caused all surrounding muscles to go into spasm which has put pressure on nerves causing pain in my arm. I’ve had plenty of injuries in the past but this one is up there in terms of the pain mainly because of the location of it and how you just can’t get comfortable in any position. Another two to three weeks and should be through the worst of it.

[ChessieCat]

When we get pain we also tend to alter our breathing and only shallow breathe.  If possible it might be a good idea to try to remember to do so deeper breathing throughout the day.

[Dejavu]

This is so true, Chessie, and we usually don't even realize it. I did about 6 sessions of biofeedback, and it worked wonders for my anxiety and back pain. My therapist was very skilled and has a background herself of anxiety, which she has managed successfully without medication for years. The mantra she taught me was: "if you control the breath, you control the mind." I wish I could have completed the 12 sessions, but I crashed from my fast taper right about that time. As soon as I am stable (closer every day), I intend to go back and finish. Maybe you could look into it, Tom. I found it extremely relaxing.

[Tom37]

Hi,

 

Really need some advice.

 

Have woken up feeling really horrible. Woke up with this intense feeling of fear after only a couple of hours sleep that I haven’t experienced before and physically I feel like I’m shaking a bit and kind of like cold sweats. It’s 3am where I am.

 

Only thing I have done different is I took 200mg of ibuprofen yesterday at about 3.30pm. I felt ok last night but not now. I then took two pills of paracetamol at 9pm. I have taken paracetamol with no issues all throughout my wd. Only other thing that I have done is I had physiotherapy on my back yesterday morning and have been in quite a lot of pain.

 

Could this be because of the ibuprofen or the physio or just a horrible wave?....if due to ibuprofen will this pass or is this a major setback?

 

Trying to remain calm but this has really scared me as have not felt like this before.

 

 Thanks 

[Tom37]

Now thinking this is just a big nasty wave. The fear feeling that I woke up with was like someone pointing a gun at me and it comes and goes. Physically just feel ill with the shakes, going cold, bit of nausea and just not well. Thinking weird thoughts too that can’t seem to control it’s like someone else has taken over control of my mind at times.

 

I think I panicked a bit in the night as the cold sweats and the fear reminded my of when I first crashed and as took the ibuprofen for the first time I related it all to that. Hopefully it’s nothing to do with it anyway.

 

Just praying this ends soon especially with the pain from my back although that feels bit better today.

 

 

[Tom37]

Managed to get through a very hard day. Reminds me of the last big wave I had approx two months ago. Of course though it’s slightly different as it is wd. Been getting hit hard physically and mentally. The fear I had this morning and on off throughout the day is the worst part and always seem to get memories of when I was younger that are so clear but so meaningless, just totally random ones. Physically my usual but being in a big wave it’s all a lot more intense and worse thing is nothing makes me feel any better. Trying to see symptoms as the body healing but when you have to function that’s tough.

 

Did force myself out for a gentle walk and a drive but seeing everyone living their perfect life makes it hard as I’m a million miles away from joining them.

 

Stability is suppose to happen but feeling like I’m the only one you isn’t going get the invite to join the party. 

 

[ChessieCat]

It may be a combination of the physiotherapy treatment and the pain.  When we are in pain we tend to change our breathing and we don't breathe as deeply as we usually do.

[Tom37]

Thanks @ChessieCat

 

Could also just be due a big wave. I can be totally stress free and they happen anyway so who knows. Your right though that the injury could make it worse. 

 

Deep breathing actually caused pain until today so will work on that.

[nick1990]

Hey Tom , thanks for popping by mate .

 

Sorry to see that your struggling, but it’s just a wave mate and it will pass .

 

I know how difficult this can be , it’s relentless sometimes but it does get better - trust those who have treaded the path before you . 

 

The brain is an amazing thing. Trust in the process and you’ll get there , it’s about acceptance at the moment and not fighting the symptoms . 

 

Take care and reach out if you need to talk😊

[Tom37]

This wave is just too much at the moment. Impossible to sleep with this constant suffering physically and mentally. Really got me this time and absolutely nothing helps.

 

It too shall pass but please be sooner than later.

[Tom37]

Thanks @nick1990.

 

All waves are not pleasant but these big ones are something else and does concern me that I’m getting hit this hard at 9.5 months out. 

 

Its worse as they make it next to impossible to sleep when in the middle of them so does make functioning a lot harder.

 

I will admit that was kind off hanging on to your 12 month recovery from your crash but think it’s going to take me a lot longer. I know we are all different but I seem to be one of the ones that takes an age to stabilise. Definitely have improved from the early days but still not got to being symptom free during windows so on it goes.

[thelegend]

Hi Tom, your story really resonated with me as I see a lot of similarities (especially taking ages to stabilize). So sorry Tom that you are going through it, I recently got hit by a big wave after feeling 75-80% myself the week before while on vacation. Not sure what this week brings for both of us, but we will get through. Just wanted to let you know I get what you are going through and I am here if you ever need to vent!

[Carmie]

5 hours ago, Tom37 said:

This wave is just too much at the moment. Impossible to sleep with this constant suffering physically and mentally. Really got me this time and absolutely nothing helps.

 

It too shall pass but please be sooner than later.

 

Hi Tom, 

 

I’m sorry you’re going through a major wave. I’m with you on wanting waves to pass sooner rather than later. I hope it settles soon and you manage to get some more sleep. When waves have gone on for a long time I always think they’re never going to end but they always do. 

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

[Tom37]

Thanks @thelegend

 

Trying to look at it that need to go through these waves to keep increasing that baseline so eventually get back to stable which is 90 to 100 percent of normal.

 

Hope your wave starts easing soon. Mine are usually quite short around 3 to 5 days then ease up over a few more days to back to baseline.

 

Take care.

 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks @Carmie

 

Yip the always do end it’s just getting through them. Like a lot of people I always doubt my ability to get through them especially when the really affect your functioning. Then always wonder what state I will be in mentally after going through it and always have to fight the ‘will I ever sleep again’ thoughts that these waves bring. Ridiculous I know.

 

Hope your doing as well as can be.

[Carmie]

1 hour ago, Tom37 said:

Thanks @Carmie

 

Yip the always do end it’s just getting through them. Like a lot of people I always doubt my ability to get through them especially when the really affect your functioning. Then always wonder what state I will be in mentally after going through it and always have to fight the ‘will I ever sleep again’ thoughts that these waves bring. Ridiculous I know.

 

Hope your doing as well as can be.

 

Yes, it’s certainly not easy going through waves Tom, when I come out of one I’m like: Yay! Survived another taper. One step closer to being med free, though it will probably still take ten years or so.😁

 

I’m always happy to have less meds in my body after each taper though. 

 

Take care, one hour at a time does it💚

[Tom37]

The worst symptom of this wave eased up and gave me a break last night so got 5 to 6 hours sleep. It’s a pretty common symptom that I have had all along in waves just varies in intensity but when it’s a bad one it leaves me unable to much of anything. The neuro fear has also reduced a bit so a more tolerable day. Those two are always the worst symptoms for me.

 

Hopefully the worst of it is over and a few more days back at baseline but you never know with wd.

 

Back is also improving so a lot more comfortable at night although sore today after physio session yesterday. No idea how I managed to get through work etc yesterday but it’s amazing what you can push through.

[Tom37]

Had another half decent sleep of 5 to 6 hours with two awakenings. Back muscle strain still causing issues and while a lot better still discomfort there at night.

 

Still in this wave but the worst physical symptom has gone just leaves me feeling bit shaky like I’m cold. Emotionally the fear seems to have eased but seem to go from mild depression one moment to normal the next. Seems to be worse in the mornings. Definitely wd depression as it can change so quick but does make you question yourself is it ‘me’. When you have a physical symptom its different as never any doubt it’s not wd.

 

Hopefully remainder of the wave goes over next few days. 

[Tom37]

Day finally over.....Definitely filled with on and off wd induced depression. It’s such a crappy feeling to have especially going backwards and forwards all day. Normally don’t have this as a symptom so bit of a surprise and hoping it goes soon but guess something in that brain of mine isn’t happy and needs adjusting.  95 percent sure it’s wd as never can remember feeling like this pre SSRI or pre wd. 

 

Hopefully tomorrow brings a better day.

[Carmie]

Wishing you a better day tomorrow Tom💚

[Dejavu]

Hey, Tom. It's amazing how often your symptoms and mine sync up. I've been working through some depression today, too. Like you, I was not depressed before WD, so you can rest assured it isn't "you."  Thinking of you and sending wishes for a better and happier tomorrow. Keep your chin up. You got this!

Edited August 28, 2019 by Dejavu

[thelegend]

Hey Tom, how are you doing today?

[Tom37]

Another day almost done....had a another 5 or 6 hours last night but for last week or so been waking couple of times each night so hopefully that ends soon.

 

Feeling bit better today with physical symptoms which I’m thinking will continue to slowly ease as this wave goes. Emotionally was better but still some wd depression and little bit of fear but mainly this morning. Back is continuing to feel better so that is helping.

 

I know I definitely deal daily with thoughts about ‘how I’m going to be tomorrow’ ‘will i be able to handle work’ and it’s down to wd being so up any down and all over the place. Still havent figured out how to get over those thoughts but I know when I get out this they will definitely slowly go.

 

 

[Tom37]

So Friday and Saturday I have been feeling a lot better both physically and emotionally. Neuro emotions I think are basically now gone so think I’m either at baseline or getting there. The scary thing is Saturday I felt really really good. Not a hundred but so much better than I ever have throughout this journey. Only thing is in now got a full on cold that came on a little Friday and full blown Saturday night. So I’m wondering if the feeling so good wd wise is because the cold is masking any wd symptoms. I’m hoping it’s not and if it isn’t then possible big improvement after that nasty wave. If anyone has experienced this would be nice to hear. But it’s wd so not getting my hopes up.

 

Couldnt get much sleep last night as totally blocked up and face all sore and the rest as we know. If still feel bad tomorrow may take day off because somehow it’s acceptable to take a day off having man flue than for withdrawal plus first illness of the winter for me.

[mdwstrx]

Glad to hear things are going better Tom!  Hope your flu winds down quickly.   

[Tom37]

Thanks md....was scary how well wd wise I felt Friday and especially Saturday. Even if doesn’t last it’s a good sign.

 

Cheers

 

[Tom37]

So this past week as been really good withdrawal wise. Emotionally and cognitively been really good and also physically. Just frustrated that I’m still dealing with this bad cold (it’s nothing compared to wd just annoying as feeling good wd wise so would love to be able to enjoy that) so hard to know for sure exactly how I’m doing. Keep getting woken up by bad headaches and all blocked up which is probably sinus related so will keep a eye on that but hopefully in another week will be gone and will back to just wd.

 

I’ve actually had ‘good’mornings all this week which is a big change so optimistic things are on the improve again but we shall see.

[Kernol]

On 8/25/2019 at 4:32 AM, Tom37 said:

Managed to get through a very hard day. Reminds me of the last big wave I had approx two months ago. Of course though it’s slightly different as it is wd. Been getting hit hard physically and mentally. The fear I had this morning and on off throughout the day is the worst part and always seem to get memories of when I was younger that are so clear but so meaningless, just totally random ones. Physically my usual but being in a big wave it’s all a lot more intense and worse thing is nothing makes me feel any better. Trying to see symptoms as the body healing but when you have to function that’s tough.

 

Did force myself out for a gentle walk and a drive but seeing everyone living their perfect life makes it hard as I’m a million miles away from joining them.

 

Stability is suppose to happen but feeling like I’m the only one you isn’t going get the invite to join the party. 

 

Hi @Tom37 I have read your journey with interest as you seem to be having a lot of the same symptoms as me in particular the word random memory recall , images etc. I have only started getting them with the last two drops on sertraline but they also come with a random bolt of anxiety for absolutely no apparent reason and it’s so scary as they are just random place or memories or even old dreams. It’s almost like my brain is a computer throwing all its files out at once. Anyway I just wondered if these have eased for you? 

[thelegend]

Wow @Tom37, this is a great update. Seeing what you have gone through and how long it is taken you to get to the point you are in gives me hope that I too can get there. You deserve it, so happy for you!

[RachelSusan]

Hi Tom37,

Glad to hear you are back with the decent mornings.  Mornings are difficult for a lot of people going through this so if you can get some good ones that is a major relief.  I hope you continue to improve.

[Dejavu]

Great to hear, Tom. That last wave was a real nasty. Hope the worst is all behind you now!

[thelegend]

Haven’t heard from you for a bit Tom, how are you doing? I am guessing no news is good news?

[Tom37]

Hi All,

 

Been a while so time for bit of an update I guess.

 

So I’m just over 11 months now since crashing badly and while still not where I want to be I have seen continued improvement over the last couple of months. Had a really bad wave almost two months ago but no more waves since then which is the longest gap by far between them. Baseline has continued to improve and have been feeling a lot better. Still have a few symptoms but they are generally mild and most importantly I haven’t had any new symptoms appear since that last wave. Have times were I actually feel ‘normal’ or what I think is normal. 

 

Over the last month have started to do a bit more excerise but I think I may have over done it and an paying the price with an increase in symptoms both physically and emotionally since Saturday. Worked out Thursday and then Saturday and pushed myself and that is the first time have only had one day to rest in between. So while have been feeling a lot better my nervous system is still far from back to normal. Hopefully things will settle down by end of week but we shall see.

 

So overall have seen improvement and hopefully only a few more months and will be symptom free or close to it but who knows with wd. 

 

Sorry for not replying to anyone who has posted above but as I was feeling so much better wanted to take a break from posting.

 

Thanks 

[RachelSusan]

Hi Tom,

Except for you most recent uptick of symptoms from the workout everything sounds really good. This is exactly how my recovery went.  I am really pleased to hear that overall you are doing better.  I know we all want it now, and why shouldn't we, but with time you will feel better and better. Thanks for the update.

[Tom37]

Thanks @RachelSusan. Definitely now see light at the end of this tunnel so hopefully things will continue to slowly improve like they have. Was a bit concerned that if the big waves stopped then so would my healing but that doesn’t seem to be the case as have continued to improve. 

 

I see you are still going well so I hope that continues. Take care.

 

[Tom37]

Hi all,

 

Just wondering if anyone else has gone into a wave or a setback after doing something to stress their nervous system after feeling a lot better? For me it’s been exercise.

 

Its only been four days but it’s starting to get me a bit concerned as not started to let up as yet and praying I haven’t undone all the hard work of getting to where I was. I dont feel as bad as previous waves but it’s still not pleasant and more so because all emotions are magnified which is hard to deal with.

 

I guess part of the concern is because this is a new situation in my wd journey as all previous waves have been different and just happened where this just feels like a big increase in the mild symptoms I have been feeling in the last 6 to 8 weeks.

 

Still feels like the set back will never end and start to doubt will ever get better....so frustrating as I was at a point where I didn’t really fear wd anymore and I wasn’t just ‘getting through’ the week and I was actually starting to enjoy life again. 

 

Thanks