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Undiagnosed1

 

undiagnosed1-unsure-of-what-to-do-next

 

22 months off Mirtazapine C/T

15 months off Trazodone fast tapper 

14 months off Coreg fast taper 

12 months off gabapintin  fast taper 

 

It is difficult for me to come back to SA, but I swore that if I managed to get past my withdrawal syndrome that I would come back and write my success story.

 

When I was at my worst I read success stories all day everyday, over and over again. I needed hope and this site was the only hope I had. No one understood  how badly I was suffering. Everyone gave up on me....except my wife, she would cry with me and tell me that she knew I was still in there and that one day we would resume our life.

 

At the time I didn't believe I was ever going to get better I was so entrenched in crippling anxiety, crushing depression and guilt. I suffered so badly with a wide range of symptoms for so long that everyday was a battle just to survive.

 

I couldn't work for a year and four months and when I did manage to go back I would say I was only 50% still dealing with cortisol mornings, intense fear and impending doom, driving in traffic was a serious challenge. My wife was 3 months from giving birth when I knew I had to get up and attempt to work, I refused to let this beat me and was determined to be the best father I could be. I cried on the way to work and I cried on the way home daily for sometime, hell many times I took break just to cry.

 

It's difficult to remember when things started getting better  " about 15-16 months after C/T of Mirtazapine " but once things began to significantly improve it was fairly rapid. Cortisol mornings, horrible thoughts upon waking, intense fear, doom, guilt, self harm thoughts etc etc faded one after another within a few months.

 

At that point I was left with terrible short term memory and off and on kaleidoscope vision that scared the crap out of me. The vision issue has faded but the memory issue persist which I don't let bother me much, I just take more notes.

 

Though out my withdrawal I helped take care of my mother in law whom was dying of cancer, we held each other everyday and she told me I had to get better to take care of her daughter and the baby that was coming  because she wasn't going to make it. My mother in law got to enjoy her first grandchild for 5 weeks before passing.

 

After she passed and things were calming down I realized I had made it. I was working a full time job, my emotions were back to normal.. I felt sadness, happiness I could smile,laugh, make jokes etc etc. We had our first child June 8th 2018, this little boy was like a ray of sunshine to me and gave me the drive to continue to build my coping skills and live life the best that I could, I changed professions to reduce stress in my life, I don't rush around like I used to, I don't stress the small stuff anymore, we take mini vacations regularly and above all else My wife and I are best friends, we appreciate each other so much more than before.

 

I am very thankful that the human brain has a way filing trauma away, It's not something I think about all the time now. Every once and a while I'll have a little flash back of the suffering  but it's momentary and it passes, I don't let it drag me down.

 

The symptoms I have listed are only the tip of the iceberg but I won't list them all, lets face it it's not going to do any of us any good to read though that over and over. I want to give thanks to all the admins who do what they do, You all are true " angels " without you all there are so many people who would be lost and at the mercy of their " doctors "  I will try and check in for the next couple of weeks to try and provide any help and or hope that I can.

 

Onward and upwards my friends 👍 

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat
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RusTW

U1 thank you for sharing your story. All of us need a little pick-me-up from time to time to get through this. I was a cold turkey too. I'm at about eight months right now since the cold turkey thank God I reinstated after 3 weeks.

 

Is there anything specifically that you noticed when you started making breakthroughs in your recovery.

 

It's great that your wife helped you get through this. Sorry about the loss of your mother-in-law.

 Russ 

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Hopetobefree

Thank you so much @Undiagnosed1for coming back to write your success story it has made me happy to know that all the insane symptoms I'm currently suffering with, which you had also, will go at some point hopefully sometime this year if not the next. You made my day. 😃

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thecowisback

what a wonderful story- thankyou for sharing and giving us all hope!!! 💕

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Undiagnosed1
On 1/18/2019 at 9:25 PM, RusTW said:

U1 thank you for sharing your story. All of us need a little pick-me-up from time to time to get through this. I was a cold turkey too. I'm at about eight months right now since the cold turkey thank God I reinstated after 3 weeks.

 

Is there anything specifically that you noticed when you started making breakthroughs in your recovery.

 

It's great that your wife helped you get through this. Sorry about the loss of your mother-in-law.

 Russ 

 Russ,

              I'm glad I can provide a little boost in moral. I would say I started noticing that it was easier to leave the house and do basics like going to the grocery store "short stints" hopelessness faded and the desire to be productive started to come back all be it in the windows and wave pattern. Emotions became more normal " I wasn't crying everyday". The first time I had a good deep belly laugh I had to excuse myself, I walked outside and just broke down crying because it had been so long and I never thought I would be "that guy" again. And If there's one thing I can say for sure is that jumping from drug to drug looking for relief did not benefit me in any way, I eventually made the commitment that I was going to be free from my pharma prison sentence.  Keep you head up and keep moving forward Russ and if there is anything I can help you with please reach out.

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Undiagnosed1
8 hours ago, Hopetobefree said:

Thank you so much @Undiagnosed1for coming back to write your success story it has made me happy to know that all the insane symptoms I'm currently suffering with, which you had also, will go at some point hopefully sometime this year if not the next. You made my day. 😃

Hope,

              Your positive attitude is like a ray of sunshine👍 I am so happy to see that you have not condemned yourself to eternal suffering, you will absolutely make it and you will rediscover yourself in ways you may have long forgotten due to these meds.

Keep up the positive attitude, it can be infectious and much needed when others are having a hard time.   

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Undiagnosed1
57 minutes ago, thecowisback said:

what a wonderful story- thankyou for sharing and giving us all hope!!! 💕

 Cow,

            Hope is what we must hold on to. Onward and upward my friend 👍

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RusTW
58 minutes ago, Undiagnosed1 said:

 Russ,

              I'm glad I can provide a little boost in moral. I would say I started noticing that it was easier to leave the house and do basics like going to the grocery store "short stints" hopelessness faded and the desire to be productive started to come back all be it in the windows and wave pattern. Emotions became more normal " I wasn't crying everyday". The first time I had a good deep belly laugh I had to excuse myself, I walked outside and just broke down crying because it had been so long and I never thought I would be "that guy" again. And If there's one thing I can say for sure is that jumping from drug to drug looking for relief did not benefit me in any way, I eventually made the commitment that I was going to be free from my pharma prison sentence.  Keep you head up and keep moving forward Russ and if there is anything I can help you with please reach out.

Thanks U1 Best wishes to You and your family. GREAT JOB 

 Russ

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Madeleine

God Bless you and your family.  Thank you so much for coming back to share your inspirational story. So nice to hear that you and your MIL could help each other.  She is likely watching you from above and will be a guardian angel for you praying for you all.  

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GirlfromD

Congratulations! 😊 And thank you for coming back to write and sharing your success story, it really means a lot 💕

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kirby

Wow! It seems like you overcame a lot to get to today! Good luck in the future and kudos to you for your hard work!

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Survivor1

So happy to hear that you are doing better.  It is inspirational.  Hope you continue to see improvements and enjoy your life with your young child and wife.

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Liamb123456

Hey congratulations how long are you off meds now 

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Rachellynn

Congrats❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Leo1983

Well done buddy!

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Armorall

Update: I ran into Undiagnosed1 on a Lovely Grind comment and asked him if he could write a success story for SA (not knowing he was Undiagnosed1)

 

He said that he is doing well. He said he's completely symptom free minus struggling with short-term memory, and has a beautiful 1.5 year old son. 

 

He said his CNS is mostly stabilized minus extremely stressful situations, in which he just feels a little anxious.

He will return around February on his anniversary to check in with SA! 

 

 

 

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Santino

Happy for you friend....

We do appreciate our lives more after this WD stuff. 

All the best and enjoyr your family and life as much as you can buddy.

Santino

 

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Longroadhome
On 1/19/2019 at 1:54 AM, Undiagnosed1 said:

 

undiagnosed1-unsure-of-what-to-do-next

 

22 months off Mirtazapine C/T

15 months off Trazodone fast tapper 

14 months off Coreg fast taper 

12 months off gabapintin  fast taper 

 

It is difficult for me to come back to SA, but I swore that if I managed to get past my withdrawal syndrome that I would come back and write my success story.

 

When I was at my worst I read success stories all day everyday, over and over again. I needed hope and this site was the only hope I had. No one understood  how badly I was suffering. Everyone gave up on me....except my wife, she would cry with me and tell me that she knew I was still in there and that one day we would resume our life.

 

At the time I didn't believe I was ever going to get better I was so entrenched in crippling anxiety, crushing depression and guilt. I suffered so badly with a wide range of symptoms for so long that everyday was a battle just to survive.

 

I couldn't work for a year and four months and when I did manage to go back I would say I was only 50% still dealing with cortisol mornings, intense fear and impending doom, driving in traffic was a serious challenge. My wife was 3 months from giving birth when I knew I had to get up and attempt to work, I refused to let this beat me and was determined to be the best father I could be. I cried on the way to work and I cried on the way home daily for sometime, hell many times I took break just to cry.

 

It's difficult to remember when things started getting better  " about 15-16 months after C/T of Mirtazapine " but once things began to significantly improve it was fairly rapid. Cortisol mornings, horrible thoughts upon waking, intense fear, doom, guilt, self harm thoughts etc etc faded one after another within a few months.

 

At that point I was left with terrible short term memory and off and on kaleidoscope vision that scared the crap out of me. The vision issue has faded but the memory issue persist which I don't let bother me much, I just take more notes.

 

Though out my withdrawal I helped take care of my mother in law whom was dying of cancer, we held each other everyday and she told me I had to get better to take care of her daughter and the baby that was coming  because she wasn't going to make it. My mother in law got to enjoy her first grandchild for 5 weeks before passing.

 

After she passed and things were calming down I realized I had made it. I was working a full time job, my emotions were back to normal.. I felt sadness, happiness I could smile,laugh, make jokes etc etc. We had our first child June 8th 2018, this little boy was like a ray of sunshine to me and gave me the drive to continue to build my coping skills and live life the best that I could, I changed professions to reduce stress in my life, I don't rush around like I used to, I don't stress the small stuff anymore, we take mini vacations regularly and above all else My wife and I are best friends, we appreciate each other so much more than before.

 

I am very thankful that the human brain has a way filing trauma away, It's not something I think about all the time now. Every once and a while I'll have a little flash back of the suffering  but it's momentary and it passes, I don't let it drag me down.

 

The symptoms I have listed are only the tip of the iceberg but I won't list them all, lets face it it's not going to do any of us any good to read though that over and over. I want to give thanks to all the admins who do what they do, You all are true " angels " without you all there are so many people who would be lost and at the mercy of their " doctors "  I will try and check in for the next couple of weeks to try and provide any help and or hope that I can.

 

Onward and upwards my friends 👍 

 

 

Hello there thank you for your recovery story 

how long were you on meds for? 

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Undiagnosed1

@Santino Thank you so much for the kind words sir. So glad you are doing well yourself .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 @Longroadhome I was on none of my meds for more than a year, I was on the mirtazapine the shortest amount of time "60 days" but when I CT that medication it unleashed hell like nothing I had ever experienced, Which scared the crap out of me and at that point I just wanted off all of the medications. So throughout the year I dropped each one without a taper and things only got worse and worse which was all my fault for just jumping off of these drugs. Above all else TAPER, CT is a one way ticket to hell. Still to this day I have no idea how I endured the withdrawal and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy  . But here I am healed and coping with normal life as best I can and soon enough you all will too. I don't get on here often as I spent two years on here every single day. But I do help a few people out whom have contacted me through SA. The bottom line is we all need each other here, only we truly understand each others experiences and suffering. So hold on to each other tight and help where you can because to many people on here are alone in this, We absolutely need each other going through this endeavor  . 

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Longroadhome

Thank you so much for your reply . You really suffered considering short duration of meds. 

Thank you for your kind words . We are alone. 

Im in acute withdrawal after tapering meds too fast . I am experiencing the hell you went through . But knowing people recover means more than words can say. 

 

I understand about not coming here to post much . The trauma of going through WD and having to reassure ourselves daily by coming on the site like you have and I do to look for “hope”  means that it’s probably the last thing you want to do once recovered . But you have and I speak for many others who feel grateful that you have taken the time to do so. 

 

I wish you well 

LRH 

 

 

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Undiagnosed1

undiagnosed1-unsure-of-what-to-do-next

 

34 months off Mirtazapine C/T

27 months off Trazodone fast tapper 

26 months off Coreg fast taper 

24 months off gabapintin  fast taper 

 

Well here I am, another year in the books.

 

As I look back I struggle to comprehend how difficult this whole withdrawal was.

 

I am a cold turkey survivor, and I tell anyone who is willing to listen the dangers of these drugs.

Most are spellbound and swear they just couldn't cope with life without their drugs even as they complain about how depressed and anxious they are. 

 

As time goes on the trauma of withdrawal starts to fade into the background and we do our best to move forward with our lives.

Freeing myself from the drugs was the most difficult and most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.

 

I have all of my emotions good and bad, I don't have any ill effects from wd besides a terrible short term memory which doesn't bother me to much.

I have my beautiful wife and rambunctious little boy that keep me on track. I don't know where I would be without her today, as she was my "reason" to continue on everyday.

I feel so proud to be here to see my little boy growing up as just a couple years ago I would have swore that I wasn't going to make it to the next day.

 

But I made it, one horrific day after another I waited on the healing to come and eventually it did, and it will for you too.  

 

I did change careers to reduce stress and looking back is something I should have done years ago.

I make sure to continue my hobbies for recreation and peace of mind. 

I make sure to take time for myself and take a step back from life as needed.

I did start drinking and smoking cannabis to try and cover the trauma of the wd. 

The drinking only led to depression and I have since gotten away from and only indulge once and a while with no ill effects.

I do still partake in cannabis use, only in small amounts before bed. It is not and I repeat is NOT something to try while in withdrawal as it caused massive anxiety.

Other than that I do not take any pills of any kind beside antibiotic's in the case of infection.

Even then I will only take the oldest ones available and have had no ill effects. 

 

I want you all to know and believe in your heart that you will heal. All of the crazy things that are happening to you WILL fade away. 

 

One doctor after another told me I needed these drugs and that what I was experiencing was "me".

Each offered more drugs and nothing more. Finding this site saved my life and for that I am forever grateful.

 

I struggle for words when I come here but I will continue to do so.

 

Because we need to know that people do heal and we do get our life back.

 

We all need to realize how strong we are to endure this and try to be proud of ourselves.

 

I will take today to reflect on how far I have come as well as the few I converse with on a regular basis.

I will get up and get out of the house and try to appreciate all of the small things that I almost missed out on.

I will hold my loved ones a little tighter and celebrate life.

 

I wish you all healing and happiness and if there is anything I can help with feel free to contact me and I will respond as soon as possible.  

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wantrelief
33 minutes ago, Undiagnosed1 said:

I struggle for words when I come here but I will continue to do so.

You may feel like you are struggling for words but everything you wrote was beautiful.  Thank you very much for coming back and encouraging those of us on this most difficult of journeys.

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Markolo1980

I'm so happy to read this story, a true fighter! Proud is the word !

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Kimboslice

Hi undiagnosed1,


Your success is an inspiration and I’m so pleased you’re hard work through withdrawal has paid off and your enjoying life once again. 
 

i’ve recently hit the 1 year mark and I’d thought I was seeing some improvement prior to Xmas but I’ve been struggling daily for the last 6 weeks with what has been an awful wave. I’m starting to get frustrated and feel powerless/worried.

 

When you noticed your symptoms improving around the 15-16 month mark had it been a gradual process or was everything volatile (Like protracted withdrawal is) up until that point and the improvement was something that became noticeable via a more settled,  prolonged window?

 

Cheers,

 

Kimbo

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Rozon1

Hey @Undiagnosed1 looking back at it, would you have tapered off or still CD’d? I’m 2 months into my withdrawls and I’ve had bouts of crying but as of right now I feel completely numb. I relate to your story because you’re a male but also you have a child. As do I. I’m a young father but I want to give the world to my girl. It’s so hard to stay positive in the midst of this entire process. I really struggled with the idea of reinstating to try a taper but I keep hearing horror stories so I’m leaning towards not doing it. 

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Undiagnosed1
4 hours ago, Rozon1 said:

Hey @Undiagnosed1 looking back at it, would you have tapered off or still CD’d? I’m 2 months into my withdrawals and I’ve had bouts of crying but as of right now I feel completely numb. I relate to your story because you’re a male but also you have a child. As do I. I’m a young father but I want to give the world to my girl. It’s so hard to stay positive in the midst of this entire process. I really struggled with the idea of reinstating to try a taper but I keep hearing horror stories so I’m leaning towards not doing it. 

 

Hello @Rozon1 That is a very difficult question, and to that I say this. I have been through some very tough things in my life for example I acquired Stevens Johnson's Syndrome three years prior to my WD. To make a long story short it was terrible and almost took me away from here. I suffered badly but I made it. WD seemed to be 10x worse than SJS.

 

I myself had a bad reaction right from the beginning of starting my meds. So with that being said I felt as if reinstating the drug was not a option for me. IF in fact I was ok on the drugs prior I likely would have given in and reinstated. In my opinion CT is very dangerous and should only be done in a case such as mine. I was very lucky to have my wife and mother in law whom even though they did not understand what was happening to me still supported me. 

 

Everyone's WD and level of suffering is different as well as our ability to tolerate it for long periods of time. 

I cannot advise on drugs, this is a question you have to answer for yourself. 

I can tell you this, stay away from the horror story's. Focus on your healing. 

 

If you need to talk please feel free to reach out either here or you can message me. 

 

Undiagnosed1- Joe

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