BreathofAir Posted July 4, 2019 Author Share Posted July 4, 2019 I saw my GP this afternoon and broke down. The Crisis Team is coming tonight. I have been throwing up all afternoon and feel so ill and exhausted and distressed. I don’t know whether it is the anxiety, the drugs, tolerance withdrawal or the virus. Either way they want the psychiatrist to review my medication and I might be headed back to hospital. All I can think of is my daughter. I feel terrified and powerless. Just want to hold on. Xxxxxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Longroadhome Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 5 minutes ago, BreathofAir said: I saw my GP this afternoon and broke down. The Crisis Team is coming tonight. I have been throwing up all afternoon and feel so ill and exhausted and distressed. I don’t know whether it is the anxiety, the drugs, tolerance withdrawal or the virus. Either way they want the psychiatrist to review my medication and I might be headed back to hospital. All I can think of is my daughter. I feel terrified and powerless. Just want to hold on. Xxxxxxxxx Thinking of you please let us know how you are later x Nov 2018 Pregabalin 2x50 mg a day to help with Paxil WD. Aug 2019 2 x 25mg a day, April 2020 45mg, May 40mg, June 35mg, July 30mg, end July 25mg, Aug 24mg, June 2021 14mg, Jan 2022 14mg (2x7mg a day), Oct 10mg, Nov 5mg, December 25th 2022 0mg 🎈 Oct 2004 - Oct 2018 Paxil 20 mg, Nov 15mg, Dec 10mg, Feb 2019 7.5mg crashed, Feb 8.5mg, Nov 8mg, March 2020 7.2mg, April 6.5mg, May 5.9mg, June 5.4mg, July 4.8mg, Dec 4.5mg, Jan 2021 4mg, Feb 3.6mg, March 3.2mg, April 2.9mg, Aug 2.7mg, Sept 2.4mg, Oct 2.2mg, Nov 2mg, Dec 1.8mg, Feb 2022 1.6mg, March 1.4mg, April 1.2mg, May 1.0mg, June 0.8mg, July 0.6mg, Aug 0.4mg, Sep 0.2mg, October 6th 2022 0mg 🎈 December 25th 2022 drug free these dates are approximate Link to comment
Mewr Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Thinking of you. Prozac 20 mg poop out after 25 years - September 2017 updosed to 30mg Dec. 2017 Started Prozac taper January to March 2018. 30mg to 5mg Discontinued 5mg Prozac CT. Started 5mg lexapro. both Sept 21, 2018 Prescribed Ativan .5mg in September. Didn’t use. Increased Lexapro to 10 mg Lexapro April 27, 2019 Stopped Ativan .125 mg May 4, 2019. Only took 6 doses Started Hyoscyamine for IBS. .375 daily Started Propranolol 10 mg/ 2x per day May 1, 2019. Heart and anxiety Restarted MS drug Aubagio. 14 mg May 3, 2019 Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Sassenach Posted July 4, 2019 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted July 4, 2019 Hi Rachel How did the GP appointment go? Hugs Sassenach Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018 Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018 Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018 Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs. Updosed 8March to 5mgs and holding 25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 4, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 4, 2019 1 hour ago, BreathofAir said: I saw my GP this afternoon and broke down. The Crisis Team is coming tonight. I have been throwing up all afternoon and feel so ill and exhausted and distressed. I don’t know whether it is the anxiety, the drugs, tolerance withdrawal or the virus. Either way they want the psychiatrist to review my medication and I might be headed back to hospital. All I can think of is my daughter. I feel terrified and powerless. Just want to hold on. Xxxxxxxxx Thinking of you Rachel. Hang in there! Rich ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Dejavu Posted July 4, 2019 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted July 4, 2019 Thinking of you too, and wishing the very best for you! 2016 - Zoloft 50 mg for klonopin w/d Approx. Nov 2017 - successful taper of klonopin; Approx. Jan. 2018 - rapid taper Zoloft over 2 wks - no w/d symptoms; May 2018 - Reinstate 50 mg Zoloft per doctor; Aug 2018 - Rapid taper Zoloft over 3-4 weeks - no w/d symptoms for 1 mo.; Late Oct 2018 - pdoc rx'd 5mg lexapro -took for 1 wk; Early Nov 2018 - Reinstate 25 mg Zoloft; updose to 37.5 on Nov 28, 2018; Nov 30 2018 - returned to 25mg Zoloft upon mod. advice; Dec 9 - Dec10 2018 - 12.5mg zoloft liquid+12.5mg zoloft pill; Dec 11 2018 - 25mg zoloft all liquid; Feb 14 2019 - updosed to 26.25 mg liquid; Mar 6 2019 - updosed to 26.88 mg liquid - new symptoms; Mar 13 2019 - back down to 26.25 mg per mod suggestion Dose Changes: Dec 2 2019 - 5% to 25mg; Jan 14 2020 - 10% to 22.5 (increase in sxs all month); Mar 10-15? 2020, accidental updose to 25mg; Mar 22 2020 - back down to 22.5mg; Apr 12 2020 - 2.5% to 21.94mg; Apr 19 2020 - 2.5% to 21.375mg (symptom increase); May 17 2020 - 2.5% to 20.625mg; May 24 2020 - 2.5% to 20.1mg - Jun 14 2020 - noticed uptick in symptoms settled 2 days later - July 10 2020 - onset of wave Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 4, 2019 Author Share Posted July 4, 2019 I’m going to the hospital in a few minutes. Just wanted to say thank you so very much to you all before I go for all your encouragement, support and kind words. Bless you all very much for being my friends and putting up with everything I’ve said. Sending you all healing hugs and hope you all sleep well and heal well. Rachel 🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁 🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸 Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Sassenach Posted July 4, 2019 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted July 4, 2019 Keep in touch Rachel Good luck. You know we all love you. SASS Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018 Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018 Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018 Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs. Updosed 8March to 5mgs and holding 25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Please can somebody talk to me. I feel so terrible. I am barely functioning and eating. The anxiety is so severe because of the benzo withdrawal. My mother left today after a terrible row. I don’t feel I can ever see her again she has hurt me so much. I have always put my family first through everything they have been through, so many painful, stressful times. I have been there and faced it head on. Now, when I am in a severe crisis my mother has deserted us. She called me pathetic because she does not believe in withdrawal or its effects. I am anorexic because of the anxiety and feel like I am slipping away. I am in so much burning body pain and the sickness has been unrelenting. My daughter and husband are going to lose me. Heaven help them both. I feel so broken and the terror is overwhelming. I am so sorry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxc Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Moderator Onmyway Posted July 10, 2019 Moderator Share Posted July 10, 2019 Hi Rachel, I have been following your journey and cheering you silently from afar. I am amazed at how much you have suffered through and how far you have come. I am so proud of you for surviving this ordeal. Please hang in there. I am sorry your mom left on such a note. I recently went through similar family drama. Know that as time goes things settle and change. So you most likely will talk to your mom or see her again if you choose to. But you may choose not to for a long while or ever. Please don't worry about that now. Also, the fact that she doesn't believe in wd effects unfortunately does not change how you feel. Actually it doesn't really matter why you feel the way you do. Bottom line is you have been dealt an awful set and you have to get through it. And you will. There are so many here like me who are cheering you even if we don't post. I am sure of it. Also, you are not broken. You are going through something awful but there is sunshine at the end of it. You saw some windows recently and there will be more. Many more. And you will get to spend wondeful times with your husband and daughter. They may not appreciate what you are going through and may not know the right thing to say but we here do what you are going through. I am sending you big hugs from London. I am so proud of you for surviving. "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate Link to comment
Moderator Onmyway Posted July 10, 2019 Moderator Share Posted July 10, 2019 Did they make any changes to your drugs during your recent hospitalization? Is this what spiked the anxiety. Did they take away the benzos? Is the crisis team going to visit you at home? Do you feel safe? Also, I'm here to talk for the next couple of hours. Big hugs! "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 10, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 10, 2019 Hi Rachel, I’m very relieved to hear from you, it’s lovely you’re back on this site. But i’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s attitude. Withdrawal is real, as everybody here will tell you, including me. For now, I think the best thing is to keep her out of your life. Can you get some help around the house from somewhere else? If you can manage it, please tell us what has happened since you went into hospital last week. It will help understand your situation better. Warmest wishes, Rich ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
Mewr Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 So sorry that you are suffering so much, Rachel. Know that I am sending healing vibes and you will feel better. Anxiety is the worst feeling both physically and mentally, but you will get better. Stay strong and know I am thinking of you. We all have people in our lives that just don’t understand how painfully impossible WD is and how much it tortures us. Know that good days will come and that you have so much support from friends on this site who fully understand. Love and hugs, Maria Prozac 20 mg poop out after 25 years - September 2017 updosed to 30mg Dec. 2017 Started Prozac taper January to March 2018. 30mg to 5mg Discontinued 5mg Prozac CT. Started 5mg lexapro. both Sept 21, 2018 Prescribed Ativan .5mg in September. Didn’t use. Increased Lexapro to 10 mg Lexapro April 27, 2019 Stopped Ativan .125 mg May 4, 2019. Only took 6 doses Started Hyoscyamine for IBS. .375 daily Started Propranolol 10 mg/ 2x per day May 1, 2019. Heart and anxiety Restarted MS drug Aubagio. 14 mg May 3, 2019 Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Thank you all for your lovely messages, Thank you for taking the time and effort to post, Onmyway. I deeply appreciate it so much. Rich, I sent you an email, but it looks like you haven’t received it. I am so sorry about that. Thank you so much for contacting me. It meant a lot that you would trust me. Maria, I am so grateful to hear from you and hope you are doing much better. I have not forgotten you and think of you often and pray. I saw a professor psychiatrist colleague of Professor Heather Ashton whilst in hospital. He is very experienced in benzos and taper problems. My weight has dropped very low so he felt the Escitalopram should be updosed slightly. I appreciate that was not the plan here, but I have deteriorated rapidly because of the benzos and my appetite is nil. What spiked my anxiety so high is the tolerance I have reached to the Lorazepam, so he has changed my dosing schedule and is crossing me over to Diazepam with a view to reducing if and when I become more stable. I have the Crisis Team, but when I am in such a high state of anxiety and fear all I do is cry when I see them. They say positive things, but when I am feeling truly like my life is hanging on by a thread it is so hard to have faith. Getting through each day has become a horrendous battle because of the severe agitation I feel and the struggle to sooth and distract. Minutes seem like years. My function has gone again and I am struggling to walk. I hope and pray for strength and the will to fight for the sake of my husband and daughter. People are kind, but I know they find it impossible to imagine the level of torture and despair and fear you feel when there is little relief and every day is like climbing a mountain and trying to get over the other side. I send you all blessings and hope for healing. Once again, thank you for messaging me and caring. Bless you you all, Rachel xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 10, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 10, 2019 Hi Rachel, you’re right, I didn’t get your email but don’t worry. I know the feeling of life hanging by a thread - And I suspect some others of the people you know here know what that’s like. I think you’re already doing it, but the best thing I found is just to concentrate on doing the best you can to care for yourself each day and hope that it will pay off (it will). thinking of you, and admiring your courage, Rich ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Thank you Rich, I don’t know how people manage to get through that feeling. I used to get pockets of time where I would feel spurts of hope and positivity and in the evenings when things would feel a bit calmer because bedtime was approaching. These now seem to be swallowed up by the anxiety. It eats everything in its path right now. It’s unrelenting and I pray and beg for it to stop or at least weaken significantly. Thank you for being here. You are deeply kind and thoughtful. Bless you for that. Really hoping you are well. Sleep well and heal well. Rachel 🎶🎶🎶🎶 xxxxxxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Moderator Onmyway Posted July 10, 2019 Moderator Share Posted July 10, 2019 Hi Rachel, Your message brought tears to my eyes. Many years after my mom passed away I learned that when I was little she was severely suicidal and would stay with friends so as to keep herself safe. I have never felt more compassion and pride in her than when I heard this and gratitude for doing her best to be around. This will pass. And my heart goes out to you and I admire you for surviving. Keep doing your best and taking care of yourself. Please focus on that. Taking care of yourself is the best you can do for your family. It sounds strange but it is. This too shall pass! One breath in! One breath out! One! And again! "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Onmyway, Thank you again for your message. I cannot write much at the moment. I just wanted to send hugs and prays for you. Bless you, R xxxxxxx🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼 Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 11, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 11, 2019 20 hours ago, BreathofAir said: Thank you Rich, I don’t know how people manage to get through that feeling. I used to get pockets of time where I would feel spurts of hope and positivity and in the evenings when things would feel a bit calmer because bedtime was approaching. These now seem to be swallowed up by the anxiety. It eats everything in its path right now. It’s unrelenting and I pray and beg for it to stop or at least weaken significantly. Thank you for being here. You are deeply kind and thoughtful. Bless you for that. Really hoping you are well. Sleep well and heal well. Rachel 🎶🎶🎶🎶 xxxxxxxxxx You will get through it! warmest wishes, Rich ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 Today has been truly truly terrible. No one can help me. Things have gone very wrong. There is no relief at all. I am in utter Hell. I just wanted to thank everyone again for trying to help me. Good luck to you all and bless you. Rachel xxxxxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 11, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) Sorry to hear about your day Rachel. You will get relief at some point if you stick with it! I think time is on your side. Just keep going, as you have been. I’m very sorry your suffering is so intense. Thinking of you. warmest wishes, Rich Edited July 11, 2019 by RichT ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
Moderator Onmyway Posted July 11, 2019 Moderator Share Posted July 11, 2019 1 hour ago, BreathofAir said: Today has been truly truly terrible. No one can help me. Things have gone very wrong. There is no relief at all. I am in utter Hell. I just wanted to thank everyone again for trying to help me. Good luck to you all and bless you. Rachel xxxxxxxxx Rachel, There will be relief! Things have gone wrong but they will be ok again! Hang in there! Things will get better. "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 Can anyone just say hello to me today. I cannot write much. I don’t forget you all, but I am not functioning well. Please those who were my friends don’t forget me or desert me. I am still tapering the benzos, as advised by here, but I feel like I am no longer welcome. Please just say hello to me even if you don’t want to write much to me. Sending you all hugs and blessings for healing. Xxxxxxxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Moderator Onmyway Posted July 13, 2019 Moderator Share Posted July 13, 2019 Hi Rachel I think the wd is talking when you feel deserted. I look forward to your updates and check to see if you're ok every day. Please keep the updates coming. No need to respond to every message. Knowing you're ok (relatively speaking) is enough. You're not alone with us. "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 13, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 13, 2019 Hi Rachel, You are very welcome here! I hope you have a better day today. warmest wishes Rich ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
Mewr Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Always thinking of you. My heart breaks that you are suffering so much. I can only say that I have had periods of no relief and they are painful and intense. Hang in and know you will feel better. We support you. Love, Maria Prozac 20 mg poop out after 25 years - September 2017 updosed to 30mg Dec. 2017 Started Prozac taper January to March 2018. 30mg to 5mg Discontinued 5mg Prozac CT. Started 5mg lexapro. both Sept 21, 2018 Prescribed Ativan .5mg in September. Didn’t use. Increased Lexapro to 10 mg Lexapro April 27, 2019 Stopped Ativan .125 mg May 4, 2019. Only took 6 doses Started Hyoscyamine for IBS. .375 daily Started Propranolol 10 mg/ 2x per day May 1, 2019. Heart and anxiety Restarted MS drug Aubagio. 14 mg May 3, 2019 Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 Thank you so very very much 🌼 I have been for a short walk this morning. Now in bed. Wanting the day to pass. Am so very very depressed and begging myself to get through each day. How do people pull themselves away from the abyss? How can a brain that feels so shut down and hopeless and scared and alone ever get back to a state of being able to have hope of recovery? Hugs and love to you all very much. I am so sorry. Bless you all. R xxxxxxxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Sassenach Posted July 13, 2019 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted July 13, 2019 Hi Rachel We have not deserted you but Rich, Dejavu and myself are all working on the site. Dejavu has had a really rough patch and still managed to work on here. We have only so much time and you have a professional team around you,so should not be pulled in different directions. We think and care about you. Keep stong and keep going. Sassenach Escitalopram 10mgs from mid 2007 ( can't remember exact date) to 11th Dec 2018 Fentanyl patches ( don't remember dose ) from Nov 2014 to 11 Dec 2018 Quit both cold turkey Dec 2018 Reinstated 3rd March 2019 2.5 mgs. Updosed 8March to 5mgs and holding 25/11/19 Started taper 4.5mgs and holding This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner If you are going through Hell, keep going. NCIS series 15, David MaCallum Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 Dear Sassenach, Please, I did not mean to be rude or disrespectful. I have done nothing different to what was recommended here. I understand you are all busy. No one understands or listens and the only reason the care team had to be involved is because I am anorexic. I am sorry. I am just desperately frightened, alone and feel that my mind and body are rapidly shutting down. I will not bother you again. Thank you so much for all the time and advice you gave me. It meant so much to me. Wishing you the best of luck with your recovery and work on this site. Bless you. R xxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Mewr Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 9 minutes ago, BreathofAir said: Dear Sassenach, Please, I did not mean to be rude or disrespectful. I have done nothing different to what was recommended here. I understand you are all busy. No one understands or listens and the only reason the care team had to be involved is because I am anorexic. I am sorry. I am just desperately frightened, alone and feel that my mind and body are rapidly shutting down. I will not bother you again. Thank you so much for all the time and advice you gave me. It meant so much to me. Wishing you the best of luck with your recovery and work on this site. Bless you. R xxxxxx Prozac 20 mg poop out after 25 years - September 2017 updosed to 30mg Dec. 2017 Started Prozac taper January to March 2018. 30mg to 5mg Discontinued 5mg Prozac CT. Started 5mg lexapro. both Sept 21, 2018 Prescribed Ativan .5mg in September. Didn’t use. Increased Lexapro to 10 mg Lexapro April 27, 2019 Stopped Ativan .125 mg May 4, 2019. Only took 6 doses Started Hyoscyamine for IBS. .375 daily Started Propranolol 10 mg/ 2x per day May 1, 2019. Heart and anxiety Restarted MS drug Aubagio. 14 mg May 3, 2019 Link to comment
Mewr Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Rachel, Please continue to message me. I value you friendship and wisdom. You words are often the highlight of my day. Yo7 are important. Love, Maria Prozac 20 mg poop out after 25 years - September 2017 updosed to 30mg Dec. 2017 Started Prozac taper January to March 2018. 30mg to 5mg Discontinued 5mg Prozac CT. Started 5mg lexapro. both Sept 21, 2018 Prescribed Ativan .5mg in September. Didn’t use. Increased Lexapro to 10 mg Lexapro April 27, 2019 Stopped Ativan .125 mg May 4, 2019. Only took 6 doses Started Hyoscyamine for IBS. .375 daily Started Propranolol 10 mg/ 2x per day May 1, 2019. Heart and anxiety Restarted MS drug Aubagio. 14 mg May 3, 2019 Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Dejavu Posted July 13, 2019 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted July 13, 2019 Rachel, are you currently tapering your benzo even while you're so sick? 2016 - Zoloft 50 mg for klonopin w/d Approx. Nov 2017 - successful taper of klonopin; Approx. Jan. 2018 - rapid taper Zoloft over 2 wks - no w/d symptoms; May 2018 - Reinstate 50 mg Zoloft per doctor; Aug 2018 - Rapid taper Zoloft over 3-4 weeks - no w/d symptoms for 1 mo.; Late Oct 2018 - pdoc rx'd 5mg lexapro -took for 1 wk; Early Nov 2018 - Reinstate 25 mg Zoloft; updose to 37.5 on Nov 28, 2018; Nov 30 2018 - returned to 25mg Zoloft upon mod. advice; Dec 9 - Dec10 2018 - 12.5mg zoloft liquid+12.5mg zoloft pill; Dec 11 2018 - 25mg zoloft all liquid; Feb 14 2019 - updosed to 26.25 mg liquid; Mar 6 2019 - updosed to 26.88 mg liquid - new symptoms; Mar 13 2019 - back down to 26.25 mg per mod suggestion Dose Changes: Dec 2 2019 - 5% to 25mg; Jan 14 2020 - 10% to 22.5 (increase in sxs all month); Mar 10-15? 2020, accidental updose to 25mg; Mar 22 2020 - back down to 22.5mg; Apr 12 2020 - 2.5% to 21.94mg; Apr 19 2020 - 2.5% to 21.375mg (symptom increase); May 17 2020 - 2.5% to 20.625mg; May 24 2020 - 2.5% to 20.1mg - Jun 14 2020 - noticed uptick in symptoms settled 2 days later - July 10 2020 - onset of wave Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 13, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 13, 2019 Rachel, you’re not alone. People here understand what you are going through. Keep posting! R ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
BreathofAir Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 I know I seem such a weak, selfish, self-absorbed person, but in my right mind I hope I am a kind, good person who has done her best in life to help others and make others laugh and feel happy. Right now my mind is in a very bad place and has become so depressed, agitated and hopeless. I believe the deterioration is due to the fear I have because of my daughter and husband. After my initial crash I waited two weeks, but the agitation and suicidal thoughts were so powerful and I made an attempt. I thought the only thing that would save me was a powerful benzo, which it did, initially. It took the edge off the agitation and I was able to function and interact with my family. This was reflected in my posts. I was foolishly hoping during the short time that I planned to take the Lorazepam that a reinstatement of Escitalopram and some hard work on exercise and function would help lift me. I truly thought I was making progress, although slowly. But I felt a foothold. Along the way there have been circumstantial exacerbations with my mother and husband, who did not grasp how precarious things were. Now my husband does. My mother left us this week after a nasty row and called me pathetic and said I needed to be shocked out of my state. Other people could carry on and go to work, what was wrong with me? Last week I reached tolerance of the 1mg of Lorazepam I was taking. No one has been happy with me taking this drug, and I understand why. But I felt it was the only option because Diazepam only sedated and nauseated me and it is this drug that has caused even more weight loss. The psychiatrist I saw, whilst very nice and an experienced professor, follows the rule book. All the care team say the same things over and over because that is all they can do. But my agitation and SI persists. I realise I am so lucky to have support around me, but my love and fear for my family causes huge distress and exacerbates my agitation and anxiety because it’s a reminder of how I am and how they might lose me. I don't know the answers. I don’t know how to cope with such severe depression. I know I am down-regulated and also the depression is related to the anxiety and the benzos I am taking. I have only reduced by 10%, as recommended, but the care team removed the Lorazepam completely in order to try to stabilise me so I would not require more Lorazepam. It has been a truly terrible week. I might sound rational now, but during the afternoons my agitation and anguish goes through the roof. I never stayed in bed prior to this week. Even though it torments me and hurts my body, I feel so exhausted and too distressed to see all my daughter’s things throughout the house. I honestly don’t know how to cope with my mental state. Going out distresses me because of seeing normal families and memories of places I loved. I don’t know how to cope with the severe depression. I am so deeply sorry for everyone suffering. I want to be able to write encouraging and caring messages of hope, not like this. I don’t understand how I have gone so wrong. All the wrong decisions I have made that have led to this point. Please, the Powers that Be, the Universe, help us all. Lift us away from these relentless daily battles. Bestow us with the strength and coping skills and hope that things will get better and show a sign that things will get better. Just anything other than this. Please. R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Pantoprazole 40mg 2016 to 2019 Mirtazapine 15mg May to Aug 2017 (Akathisia) Seroquel and Abilify July 2017 (caused itching and SI) stopped immediately Lorazepam July 2017 to February 2018 (up to 3mg daily) tapered to 1mg by Feb ‘18 Escitalopram 20mg Aug 2017 to 18 April 2019 tapered over 13 months from Feb 2018 Diazepam crossed over from Lorazepam 1mg to 10mg tapered to 1mg by June ‘18 Updosed back to 2mg bad crash June 2018 . Restarted taper Dec 2018 to present April 2019 reached 0.15mg Diazepam and was holding. CRASH 24 April 2019 Severe suicidal feelings, anxiety, akathisia started suddenly. Updosed Diazepam immediately to 0.5mg x 2, up again to 1mg x 2 on April 30th Zopiclone 7.5mg 3rd May for 1 week RI Escitalopram at 2.5mg on 6th May, inc to 5mg 9th May then 10mg by mistake on 21st May, red to 7.5mg 27th May Updosed to 10mg per pysch team 5th July. Lorazepam fully switched to Diazepam 11mg 5th July Link to comment
Mentor RichT Posted July 13, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 13, 2019 I’m sorry to see you suffering like this Rachel, but it is not your fault! Don’t blame yourself - you did not want this, you did not choose this. If your husband understands more about you, then that’s a good thing. Have you stopped the lorazepam completely, or are you still tapering? Could you update your signature to let us see what your current dosages are? warmest wishes Rich ✅ = medication taken now 2007 quetiapine to March 2019 200mg 2019 quetiapine March to present 225mg ✅ 2007 citalopram to present 40mg ✅2018 March Abilify 5mg 2019 Abilify February rapid taper over 3 weeks from 5mg to off 2019 March Clonazepam as required, taken very occasionally, then taken 0.5mg for 2 days 28th and 29th March, now phased out 2019 1st April reinstated Abilify 0.5mg / day ✅ 2018 to 2020 Liquid B12 2g twice daily (diagnosed B12 deficiency) 2020 July reduced quetiapine to 200mg 2022 October began taper of Abilify Link to comment
Moderator Emeritus Dejavu Posted July 13, 2019 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted July 13, 2019 I really think this is a bad time for you to taper anything. All these changes in so short a span of time...no good can come from it. I know about the crushing depression - I went through acute while grieving my mother's and sister's very recent deaths. There is no way my crash could have occurred at a worse time. It's so much more than "being sad." Words don't do justice to the utter blackness of despair that closes in around you. But - hear me on this Rachel - it goes away. It is the effect of the meds and it goes away. It takes a while, though, and you did not give it nearly enough time. If you do not hold and stabilize before you taper any further, there's a very good chance you will suffer like this all the way down. That seems so unnecessary to me. But it's up to you. Here are some facts: (1) you are not currently stable, (2) tapering while unstable further destabilizes your system; (3) it takes weeks to months to gain stability; (4) people who stabilize, then slowly taper, suffer fewer symptoms on the way down. So you must take control of your own recovery. You've got decisions to make: What makes sense to you? What is your truth? Whose advice will you heed? At this point at least, your mother will be a hindrance to your recovery. For your own well being, you're going to have to let that relationship lie for a bit. Right now, your focus needs to be on you and only you. You cannot be a good mother, daughter, wife, friend, etc., when you are in this shape. You cannot pour from an empty cup. The best way you can care for your daughter right now is to take care of her mother. You've tried everything else. Why don't you try sitting still for a bit (it was working). 2016 - Zoloft 50 mg for klonopin w/d Approx. Nov 2017 - successful taper of klonopin; Approx. Jan. 2018 - rapid taper Zoloft over 2 wks - no w/d symptoms; May 2018 - Reinstate 50 mg Zoloft per doctor; Aug 2018 - Rapid taper Zoloft over 3-4 weeks - no w/d symptoms for 1 mo.; Late Oct 2018 - pdoc rx'd 5mg lexapro -took for 1 wk; Early Nov 2018 - Reinstate 25 mg Zoloft; updose to 37.5 on Nov 28, 2018; Nov 30 2018 - returned to 25mg Zoloft upon mod. advice; Dec 9 - Dec10 2018 - 12.5mg zoloft liquid+12.5mg zoloft pill; Dec 11 2018 - 25mg zoloft all liquid; Feb 14 2019 - updosed to 26.25 mg liquid; Mar 6 2019 - updosed to 26.88 mg liquid - new symptoms; Mar 13 2019 - back down to 26.25 mg per mod suggestion Dose Changes: Dec 2 2019 - 5% to 25mg; Jan 14 2020 - 10% to 22.5 (increase in sxs all month); Mar 10-15? 2020, accidental updose to 25mg; Mar 22 2020 - back down to 22.5mg; Apr 12 2020 - 2.5% to 21.94mg; Apr 19 2020 - 2.5% to 21.375mg (symptom increase); May 17 2020 - 2.5% to 20.625mg; May 24 2020 - 2.5% to 20.1mg - Jun 14 2020 - noticed uptick in symptoms settled 2 days later - July 10 2020 - onset of wave Link to comment
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