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BreathofAir

BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

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BreathofAir

I saw my GP this afternoon and broke down. 

 

The Crisis Team is coming tonight.  I have been throwing up all afternoon and feel so ill and exhausted and distressed.  I don’t know whether it is the anxiety, the drugs, tolerance withdrawal or the virus.  Either way they want the psychiatrist to review my medication and I might be headed back to hospital.  All I can think of is my daughter.  

 

I feel terrified and powerless.  Just want to hold on.

 

Xxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Longroadhome
5 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

I saw my GP this afternoon and broke down. 

 

The Crisis Team is coming tonight.  I have been throwing up all afternoon and feel so ill and exhausted and distressed.  I don’t know whether it is the anxiety, the drugs, tolerance withdrawal or the virus.  Either way they want the psychiatrist to review my medication and I might be headed back to hospital.  All I can think of is my daughter.  

 

I feel terrified and powerless.  Just want to hold on.

 

Xxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thinking of you please let us know how you are later x 

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Mewr

Thinking of you.  

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

How did the GP appointment go?

 

Hugs

 

Sassenach

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RichT
1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

I saw my GP this afternoon and broke down. 

 

The Crisis Team is coming tonight.  I have been throwing up all afternoon and feel so ill and exhausted and distressed.  I don’t know whether it is the anxiety, the drugs, tolerance withdrawal or the virus.  Either way they want the psychiatrist to review my medication and I might be headed back to hospital.  All I can think of is my daughter.  

 

I feel terrified and powerless.  Just want to hold on.

 

Xxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thinking of you Rachel. Hang in there!

 

Rich

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Dejavu

Thinking of you too, and wishing the very best for you!

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BreathofAir

I’m going to the hospital in a few minutes. 

Just wanted to say thank you so very much to you all before I go for all your encouragement, support and kind words. 

Bless you all very much for being my friends and putting up with everything I’ve said. 

Sending you all healing hugs and hope you all sleep well and heal well. 

 

Rachel 

🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁🕷🦁

🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

 

 

 

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Sassenach

Keep in touch Rachel

Good luck.

You know we all love you.

 

SASS

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BreathofAir

Please can somebody talk to me. 

 

I feel so terrible. I am barely functioning and eating.  The anxiety is so severe because of the benzo withdrawal. 

 

My mother left today after a terrible row.  I don’t feel I can ever see her again she has hurt me so much.  

 

I have always put my family first through everything they have been through, so many painful, stressful times.  I have been there and faced it head on. 

 

Now, when I am in a severe crisis my mother has deserted us.  She called me pathetic because she does not believe in withdrawal or its effects. 

 

I am anorexic because of the anxiety and feel like I am slipping away.  I am in so much burning body pain and the sickness has been unrelenting.  My daughter and husband are going to lose me.  Heaven help them both. 

 

I feel so broken and the terror is overwhelming. 

 

I am so sorry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxc

 

 

 

 

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Onmyway

Hi Rachel, 

I have been following your journey and cheering you silently from afar. I am amazed at how much you have suffered through and how far you have come. I am so proud of you for surviving this ordeal. Please hang in there. 

 

I am sorry your mom left on such a note. I recently went through similar family drama. Know that as time goes things settle and change. So you most likely will talk to your mom or see her again if you choose to.  But you may choose not to for a long while or ever. Please don't worry about that now. Also, the fact that she doesn't believe in wd effects unfortunately does not change how you feel. Actually it doesn't really matter why you feel the way you do. Bottom line is you have been dealt an awful set and you have to get through it. And you will. There are so many here like me who are cheering you even if we don't post.  I am sure of it. 

 

Also, you are not broken. You are going through something awful but there is sunshine at the end of it. You saw some windows recently and there will be more. Many more. And you will get to spend wondeful times with your husband and daughter. They may  not appreciate what you are going through and may not know the right thing to say but we here do what you are going through. 

 

I am sending you big hugs from London. I am so proud of you for surviving. 

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Onmyway

Did they make any changes to your drugs during your recent hospitalization? Is this what spiked the anxiety. Did they take away the benzos? 

 

Is the crisis team going to visit you at home? Do you feel safe? 

 

Also, I'm here to talk for the next couple of hours. 

Big hugs!

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

I’m very relieved to hear from you, it’s lovely you’re back on this site.

 

But i’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s attitude. Withdrawal is real, as everybody here will tell you, including me. For now, I think the best thing is to keep her out of your life. Can you get some help around the house from somewhere else?

 

If you can manage it, please tell us what has happened since you went into hospital last week. It will help understand your situation better.

 

Warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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Mewr

So sorry that you are suffering so much, Rachel.  Know that I am sending healing vibes and you will feel better.  Anxiety is the worst feeling both physically and mentally, but you will get better.  Stay strong and know I am thinking of you.  We all have people in our lives that just don’t understand how painfully impossible WD is and how much it tortures us.   Know that good days  will come and that you have so much support from friends on this site who fully understand.  Love and hugs, Maria

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BreathofAir

Thank you all for your lovely messages, 

 

Thank you for taking the time and effort to post, Onmyway.  I deeply appreciate it so much. 

 

Rich, I sent you an email, but it looks like you haven’t received it. I am so sorry about that.  Thank you so much for contacting me. It meant a lot that you would trust me. 

 

Maria, I am so grateful to hear from you and hope you are doing much better. I have not forgotten you and think of you often and pray. 

 

I saw a professor psychiatrist colleague of Professor Heather Ashton whilst in hospital.  He is very experienced in benzos and taper problems.  My weight has dropped very low so he felt the Escitalopram should be updosed slightly.  I appreciate that was not the plan here, but I have deteriorated rapidly because of the benzos and my appetite is nil.  

 

What spiked my anxiety so high is the tolerance I have reached to the Lorazepam, so he has changed my dosing schedule and is crossing me over to Diazepam with a view to reducing if and when I become more stable. 

 

I have the Crisis Team, but when I am in such a high state of anxiety and fear all I do is cry when I see them. They say positive things, but when I am feeling truly like my life is hanging on by a thread it is so hard to have faith.  

 

Getting through each day has become a horrendous battle because of the severe agitation I feel and the struggle to sooth and distract.  Minutes seem like years.  My function has gone again and I am struggling to walk. 

 

I hope and pray for strength and the will to fight for the sake of my husband and daughter.  People are kind, but I know they find it impossible to imagine the level of torture and despair and fear you feel when there is little relief and every day is like climbing a mountain and trying to get over the other side. 

 

I send you all blessings and hope for healing.  Once again, thank you for messaging me and caring. 

 

Bless you you all, 

Rachel xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

you’re right, I didn’t get your email but don’t worry.

 

I know the feeling of life hanging by a thread - And I suspect some others of the people you know here know what that’s like. I think you’re already doing it, but the best thing I found is just to concentrate on doing the best you can to care for yourself each day and hope that it will pay off (it will).

 

thinking of you, and admiring your courage,

 

Rich

 

 

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BreathofAir

Thank you Rich, 

 

I don’t know how people manage to get through that feeling.  I used to get pockets of time where I would feel spurts of hope and positivity and in the evenings when things would feel a bit calmer because bedtime was approaching.  These now seem to be swallowed up by the anxiety. It eats everything in its path right now.  It’s unrelenting and I pray and beg for it to stop or at least weaken significantly.  

 

Thank you for being here. You are deeply kind and thoughtful.  Bless you for that. Really hoping you are well. 

Sleep well and heal well. 

Rachel 🎶🎶🎶🎶

xxxxxxxxxx

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Onmyway

Hi Rachel,

Your message brought tears to my eyes. Many years after my mom passed away I learned that when I was little she was severely suicidal and would stay with friends so as to keep herself safe. I have never felt more compassion and pride in her than when I heard this and gratitude for doing her best to be around. This will pass. And my heart goes out to you and I admire you for surviving. Keep doing your best and taking care of yourself. Please focus on that. Taking care of yourself is the best you can do for your family. It sounds strange but it is.

 

This too shall pass!

 

One breath in! One breath out! One!

And again!

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BreathofAir

Onmyway, 

 

Thank you again for your message.  I cannot write much at the moment.  I just wanted to send hugs and prays for you. 

 

Bless you, 

 

R xxxxxxx🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

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RichT
20 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Thank you Rich, 

 

I don’t know how people manage to get through that feeling.  I used to get pockets of time where I would feel spurts of hope and positivity and in the evenings when things would feel a bit calmer because bedtime was approaching.  These now seem to be swallowed up by the anxiety. It eats everything in its path right now.  It’s unrelenting and I pray and beg for it to stop or at least weaken significantly.  

 

Thank you for being here. You are deeply kind and thoughtful.  Bless you for that. Really hoping you are well. 

Sleep well and heal well. 

Rachel 🎶🎶🎶🎶

xxxxxxxxxx

 

You will get through it!

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

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BreathofAir

Today has been truly truly terrible.  No one can help me.  Things have gone very wrong.  There is no relief at all.  I am in utter Hell. 

I just wanted to thank everyone again for trying to help me.  Good luck to you all and bless you.  

 

Rachel xxxxxxxxx

 

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RichT
Posted (edited)

Sorry to hear about your day Rachel. You will get relief at some point if you stick with it! I think time is on your side. Just keep going, as you have been. I’m very sorry your suffering is so intense. Thinking of you.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

Edited by RichT

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Onmyway
1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

Today has been truly truly terrible.  No one can help me.  Things have gone very wrong.  There is no relief at all.  I am in utter Hell. 

I just wanted to thank everyone again for trying to help me.  Good luck to you all and bless you.  

 

Rachel xxxxxxxxx

 

Rachel,

There will be relief! Things have gone wrong but they will be ok again! Hang in there! Things will get better. 

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BreathofAir

Can anyone just say hello to me today. I cannot write much.  I don’t forget you all, but I am not functioning well.  

 

Please those who were my friends don’t forget me or desert me.  I am still tapering the benzos, as advised by here, but I feel like I am no longer welcome. 

 

Please just say hello to me even if you don’t want to write much to me. 

 

Sending you all hugs and blessings for healing. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxx

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Onmyway

Hi Rachel

I think the wd is talking when you feel deserted. I look forward to your updates and check to see if you're ok every day. Please keep the updates coming. No need to respond to every message. Knowing you're ok (relatively speaking) is enough. You're not alone with us.

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RichT

Hi Rachel,

 

You are very welcome here! I hope you have a better day today.

 

warmest wishes

 

Rich

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Mewr

Always thinking of you.  My heart breaks that you are suffering so much.  I can only say that I have had periods of no relief and they are painful and intense. Hang in and know you will feel better.  We support you.  Love, Maria

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BreathofAir

Thank you so very very much 🌼

 

I have been for a short walk this morning. Now in bed. Wanting the day to pass. 

 

Am so very very depressed and begging myself to get through each day.

 

How do people pull themselves away from the abyss?  

 

How can a brain that feels so shut down and hopeless and scared and alone ever get back to a state of being able to have hope of recovery?  

 

Hugs and love to you all very much.  I am so sorry. 

Bless you all. 

R xxxxxxxxxxx

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Sassenach

Hi Rachel

 

We have not deserted you but Rich, Dejavu and myself are all working on the site.

Dejavu has had a really rough patch and still managed to work on here.

We have only so much time and you have a professional team around you,so should not be pulled in different directions.

We think  and care about you.

Keep stong and keep going.

 

Sassenach

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BreathofAir

Dear Sassenach,

 

Please, I did not mean to be rude or disrespectful. I have done nothing different to what was recommended here.  I understand you are all busy.  

 

No one understands or listens and the only reason the care team had to be involved is because I am anorexic.

 

I am sorry.  I am just desperately frightened, alone and feel that my mind and body are rapidly shutting down. 

 

I will not bother you again.  Thank you so much for all the time and advice you gave me.  It meant so much to me. 

 

Wishing you the best of luck with your recovery and work on this site. 

 

Bless you. 

 

R xxxxxx

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Mewr
9 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Dear Sassenach,

 

Please, I did not mean to be rude or disrespectful. I have done nothing different to what was recommended here.  I understand you are all busy.  

 

No one understands or listens and the only reason the care team had to be involved is because I am anorexic.

 

I am sorry.  I am just desperately frightened, alone and feel that my mind and body are rapidly shutting down. 

 

I will not bother you again.  Thank you so much for all the time and advice you gave me.  It meant so much to me. 

 

Wishing you the best of luck with your recovery and work on this site. 

 

Bless you. 

 

R xxxxxx

 

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Mewr

Rachel,

Please continue to message me.  I value you friendship and wisdom.  You words are often the highlight of my day.  Yo7 are important.  Love, Maria

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Dejavu

Rachel, are you currently tapering your benzo even while you're so sick? 

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RichT

Rachel, 

 

you’re not alone. People here understand what you are going through. Keep posting!

 

R

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BreathofAir

I know I seem such a weak, selfish, self-absorbed person, but in my right mind I hope I am a kind, good person who has done her best in life to help others and make others laugh and feel happy. 

 

Right now my mind is in a very bad place and has become so depressed, agitated and hopeless.  I believe the deterioration is due to the fear I have because of my daughter and husband.  

 

After my initial crash I waited two weeks, but the agitation and suicidal thoughts were so powerful and I made an attempt.  I thought the only thing that would save me was a powerful benzo, which it did, initially.  It took the edge off the agitation and I was able to function and interact with my family.  This was reflected in my posts.

 

I was foolishly hoping during the short time that I planned to take the Lorazepam that a reinstatement of Escitalopram and some hard work on exercise and function would help lift me.  I truly thought I was making progress, although slowly.  But I felt a foothold.

 

Along the way there have been circumstantial exacerbations with my mother and husband, who did not grasp how precarious things were.  Now my husband does.  My mother left us this week after a nasty row and called me pathetic and said I needed to be shocked out of my state.  Other people could carry on and go to work, what was wrong with me? 

 

Last week I reached tolerance of the 1mg of Lorazepam I was taking.  No one has been happy with me taking this drug, and I understand why.  But I felt it was the only option because Diazepam only sedated and nauseated me and it is this drug that has caused even more weight loss. 

 

The psychiatrist I saw, whilst very nice and an experienced professor, follows the rule book.  All the care team say the same things over and over because that is all they can do.  But my agitation and SI persists. 

 

I realise I am so lucky to have support around me, but my love and fear for my family causes huge distress and exacerbates my agitation and anxiety because it’s a reminder of how I am and how they might lose me. 

 

I don't know the answers.  I don’t know how to cope with such severe depression.  I know I am down-regulated and also the depression is related to the anxiety and the benzos I am taking.  I have only reduced by 10%, as recommended, but the care team removed the Lorazepam completely in order to try to stabilise me so I would not require more Lorazepam.  

 

It has been a truly terrible week. I might sound rational now, but during the afternoons my agitation and anguish goes through the roof.  I never stayed in bed prior to this week.  Even though it torments me and hurts my body, I feel so exhausted and too distressed to see all my daughter’s things throughout the house. 

 

I honestly don’t know how to cope with my mental state.  Going out distresses me because of seeing normal families and memories of places I loved.  I don’t know how to cope with the severe depression. 

 

I am so deeply sorry for everyone suffering.  I want to be able to write encouraging and caring messages of hope, not like this. 

I don’t understand how I have gone so wrong.  All the wrong decisions I have made that have led to this point. 

 

Please, the Powers that Be, the Universe, help us all. Lift us away from these relentless daily battles. Bestow us with the strength and coping skills and hope that things will get better and show a sign that things will get better.  Just anything other than this. Please. 

 

R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

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RichT

I’m sorry to see you suffering like this Rachel, but it is not your fault! Don’t blame yourself - you did not want this, you did not choose this. If your husband understands more about you, then that’s a good thing. 

 

Have you stopped the lorazepam completely, or are you still tapering? Could you update your signature to let us see what your current dosages are?

 

warmest wishes

 

Rich

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Dejavu

I really think this is a bad time for you to taper anything. All these changes in so short a span of time...no good can come from it.

 

I know about the crushing depression - I went through acute while grieving my mother's and sister's very recent deaths. There is no way my crash could have occurred at a worse time. It's so much more than "being sad." Words don't do justice to the utter blackness of despair that closes in around you. But - hear me on this Rachel - it goes away. It is the effect of the meds and it goes away. It takes a while, though, and you did not give it nearly enough time.

 

If you do not hold and stabilize before you taper any further, there's a very good chance you will suffer like this all the way down. That seems so unnecessary to me. But it's up to you.

 

Here are some facts: (1) you are not currently stable, (2) tapering while unstable further destabilizes your system; (3) it takes weeks to months to gain stability; (4) people who stabilize, then slowly taper, suffer fewer symptoms on the way down. So you must take control of your own recovery. You've got decisions to make: What makes sense to you? What is your truth? Whose advice will you heed?

 

At this point at least, your mother will be a hindrance to your recovery. For your own well being, you're going to have to let that relationship lie for a bit. Right now, your focus needs to be on you and only you. You cannot be a good mother, daughter, wife, friend, etc., when you are in this shape. You cannot pour from an empty cup. The best way you can care for your daughter right now is to take care of her mother. 

 

You've tried everything else. Why don't you try sitting still for a bit (it was working).

 

 

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