myndfull Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Today is my sixty-second birthday. It is also close to the date five years ago when I joined this website and began my taper off of Celexa. There is a great deal I could say here about how to survive a long taper. I could give advice. But withdrawal is a personal journey. Read what you find on this website judiciously and then do what you think is best for you. As you know, withdrawal makes your head spin. It disorients. It creates a fever. Your body clenches and your nerves prickle and pound. The negative is raised up, the positive is fleeting. You're told in terrible whispers to the heart that you will never be whole again, that your disorientation will be the condition under which you will exist forever. But to that whisper you should stand firm: No! I WILL return. And you will. In my own return, I've watched the changes from a front-row seat. With greater and greater clarity, I saw the road ahead. What I see today is a place, or a state of mind, where a kind of unity within me is possible. The cycling of withdrawal reveals this possibility in a slow unwinding paradox: That as each negative in the cycle of withdrawal peaks the positive increases. (Without pain there can be no gain.) And then there comes a series of tipping points when the positive takes over and the negative begins to fade. I may never get back to who I once was. But so what! I don't want to be that person again, anyway. Time and experience change us all in ways that we cannot predict. I'm fully aware of the fact that whatever comes my way is neither mine to control nor something I should ignore. I accept the ways of the world but refuse to let those ways bowl me asunder. I will accept what is, yet seek-out quiet, sun-lit places where presence and calm are the order of the day. The plasticity of the CNS is a wondrous thing and makes these changes possible. The body wants to be whole. Someday, when the positive and the negative in me merge they will then both fade from consciousness and I'll be whole, I'll be present. In some mysterious though endlessly interesting way, I will have found the bedrock upon which I exist. Something like that. I'm not religious. But I do put a lot of stock in the messaging of good metaphors. One of the books that has sustained me in my journey back from the insanity of withdrawal has been the "The Gospel of Thomas." I've read and studied it as the atheist I am and the former English teacher I was. I'd like to leave you with some of its secular wisdom as a kind of commentary on the growing self-awareness that I believe will come to you, too, as you make your own return to self: Logion 18: Where the beginning is, the end will also be. Logion 58: Good are those who have undergone ordeals./They have entered into life. Logion 61: ...when people are open,/they are filled with light./When they are divided,/they are filled with darkness. Logion 70: If you bring forth what is within you,/what you bring forth will save you./If you do not bring forth what is within you,/what you do not bring forth will destroy you. Logion 84: When you see/your true likeness,/you rejoice./But when you see your true self,/those that were before you existed,/and that never die and never manifest,/what grandeur! Logion 90: ...you shall find repose within you. Logion: 111: Whoever has self-knowledge,/the world cannot contain them. Myndfull I had tried and failed to stop Paxil several times (though never using a long, slow taper) and thought Celexa might be easier, so I shifted to Celexa in 2012. In August of 2014 I began a serious tapered withdrawal from Celexa (20 mg.), making monthly drops, mostly 10% of the last dose, sometimes more, sometimes less. In July of 2016 I took an early retirement at 59 in large part because of my intense withdrawal symptoms. Three years and eight months after beginning my taper, I stopped taking Celexa on 5/12/18. I am currently in recovery and I am very slowly getting better. I still have waves and some are quite bad. But overall the trend is toward healing. Link to post Share on other sites
India Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 @myndfull Beautiful, poetic. Gives me much hope. 1999: Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months. 2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects) 2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram 2mg , approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held. 2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg (Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts) I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath - Dante Link to post Share on other sites
Hibari Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Thank you for that beautiful post. Giving me hope today. Sept 2013-Apr 2014: After death of my mom put on as series of meds. Zoloft 6 days, Lexapro1 day, Nortriptyline 10 days, Liquid Prozac 1 week, Cymbalta 1 week. Got off Clonzapam: 1/2014-9/2014. After given Lamictal, stopped Clonzapam at .125mgs Completed Remeron taper: 41.25 -0.025mgs 1/2015-4 2017. Completed Lamictal Taper: 200mgs-0.05 mgs 7/ 2015-11/2018. Clonazapam December 2018. 0.625 Had paradoxical reaction to Lamictal wd, broke my heart to take a benzo but wasn't sleeping and not thinking straight. 28 March, 2019 4% taper Total: .625mgai 26 May, 2019 4% taper Total: .575 mgai, 24 June, 2019 2.5 % taper 10 Clonzapam tablets weigh1.999 mgpw Average 200 mgpw. 0.0073mgai 9AM, 0.0073mgai 3PM, .415mgai, Total: 561mgai, 10 July, 2019 (Compounded pills) .0073mgai 9AM,.0073mgai 3PM, .415mgai, Total .561mgai 26 August, 2019 (Back to regular pills due to bad reaction) .0078mgai 9AM, .01075mgai 3PM, .360mgai PM, Total: .545mgai 26 Sept. 2019 .0775mgai 9AM, .1mgai 3PM, 0.350mgai PM: Total: .5275mgai 31 Oct, 2019 .0750mgai 9AM, .0925mgai 3PM, 0.340mgai 930PM, Total: .5075mgai, 30 Nov. 2019 .0775mgai 9AM, .0825mgai 3PM, .3325mgai 9:30PM, Total:.490mgai 31 Dec. 2019 .0775mgai 9AM, .080mgai 3PM, .3225mgai 9:30PM, Total: .4775mgai 31 Jan. 2020 .0725mgai 9AM, .0750mgai 3pm, .315mgai 9:30PM, Total: .4625mgai 29 Feb. 2020 .0675mgai 9AM, .0675 3PM, .305 mgai 9PM Total: .440mgai 31 March 2020 .065mgai 9AM, .065mgai 3PM, .2925mgai 10PM, Total: 4225mgai 30 April 2020 .0625mgai 9AM, .0625mgai 3PM, .2775mgai 10PM Total: .4025mgai 31 May 2020 .0625mgai 9AM, .0625 mgai 3PM, .2526 mgai 10PM, Total: .3775mgai 30 June 2020 .0625mgai 9AM, .0625mgai 3PM .2175 mgai 10PM Total .3425mgai. 31 July 2020 .0575 mgai 9AM .0550 mgai 3PM .180mgai 10PM Total .2925mgai 31 August 2020 .0475mgai 9AM, 0.045mgai 3PM, .01475mgai 10PM Total: .2375mgai 30 September 2020 0.0375mgai 9AM 0.035mgai 3PM 0.110mgai 10PM Total: .1825mgai 31 October 2020 .0325mgai 9AM .0350mgai 3PM .0725mgai 9PM Total: .14mgai 30 Nov. 2020 .03mgai 9AM .0276mgai 3PM 0.450mgai 9PM Total: .1025mgai 31 Dec. 2020 .02mgai 9AM .02mgai 3PM .02mgai 9PM Total: .06mgai Additional Support: Armour Thyroid 75mgs, Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Magnesium Glycinate Link to post Share on other sites
Nena59 Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Thanks for sharing! It gives me hope today! I hope your positive journey continues. Oct 2016. 20 years fluoxetine (20 mg) and bupropion (400 mg). Ceased fluoxetine without taper and bupropion after 4 wk taper. Initial extreme fatigue resolved into moderate fatigue and depression with occasional brain zaps and tingling skin. Oct 2017. Anhedonia, 90% of my day. Occasional anxiety. Milder brain zaps. In past two weeks, 3 window days and 11 wave days. May 2019. Anhedonia, infrequent anxiety, mild brain zaps. Sleeping 6 hours nightly after lifetime of 8 hours. Typical daily pattern is wave until late afternoon, window until bedtime. Occasional full day windows. Link to post Share on other sites
intothewoods Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 On 7/10/2019 at 4:25 PM, myndfull said: As you know, withdrawal makes your head spin. It disorients. It creates a fever. Your body clenches and your nerves prickle and pound. The negative is raised up, the positive is fleeting. You're told in terrible whispers to the heart that you will never be whole again, that your disorientation will be the condition under which you will exist forever. But to that whisper you should stand firm: No! I WILL return. And you will. In my own return, I've watched the changes from a front-row seat. With greater and greater clarity, I saw the road ahead. What I see today is a place, or a state of mind, where a kind of unity within me is possible. The cycling of withdrawal reveals this possibility in a slow unwinding paradox: That as each negative in the cycle of withdrawal peaks the positive increases. (Without pain there can be no gain.) And then there comes a series of tipping points when the positive takes over and the negative I just love this. Thank you for describing so well what the drugs want us to believe will never happen. Much continued healing to you, @myndfull. * Prozac: 40 mg 1999-2012; 60 mg 2012-March 2018; 50 mg April 2018 to present. * Provigil: 25-100 mg PRN 2005 to mid-2015; 200-300 mg mid-2015 to early 2016; tapered from 300 mg in early 2016 to 100 mg early 2017; tapered from 100 mg early 2017 to 31 mg June 15, 2019; 29 mg at present. * Amitriptyline: 10-15 mg 2002-2013; 25 mg 2014 to December 5, 2018; December 15, 2018 converted to water suspension and tapered to 22 1/2 mg at present. * Valium: 5 mg at night 2002-present. Supplements: Magnesium; Iron for anemia Back Story: From 2012 thru early 2017, relocated and cycled through over 20 primary and psych docs (supposedly for severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) who prescribed two dozen different psych meds in search of the "perfect therapeutic combo." Took most for only a few days, some for a week. Included Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Seroquel, Lamictal, Klonopin, Lyrica, Gabapentin, Belsomra, Tramadol, Librium, Halcyon, Remeron and -- the last straw, Trintellix. Began in early 2016 when it was still called Brintellix (Pharma's attempt to combine the words "brilliance" and "intelligence" in a pill name), became unable to eat or sleep, lost 25 lbs and the ability to speak. Slowly tapered myself back to Prozac by 2017 but was unable to stop akathisia, cortisol mornings and kindling which continue, actively, through present. Link to post Share on other sites
Mentor FarmGirlWorks Posted July 15, 2019 Mentor Share Posted July 15, 2019 On 7/10/2019 at 1:25 PM, myndfull said: Logion 18: Where the beginning is, the end will also be. 💛💛💛 Thank you! Prozac | late 2004-mid-2005 | CT WD in a couple months, mostly emotional Sertraline 50-100mg | 11/2011-3/2014, 10/2014-3/2017 Sertraline fast taper March 2017, 4 weeks, OFF sertraline April 1, 2017 Quit alcohol May 20, 2017, quit coffee October 2017, quit cannabis 😩 July 2018 Magnesium powder, fish oil, estradiol, kombucha, gluten/dairy/histamine-lite Lifestyle changes: AA, kundalini practice "If you've seen a monster, even if it's horrible, that's evidence of divinity." – Damien Echols Link to post Share on other sites
TurkeyCold Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 On 7/11/2019 at 10:57 AM, India said: @myndfull Beautiful, poetic. Gives me much hope. #2 Thank you, myndfull 😌 Medical history: 11/2015 - Duloxetin 30mg, 12/2015 - Duloxetin 60mg, 4/2016 - CT 8/2016 - Duloxetin 60mg, 2/2017 - Duloxetin 30mg, 4/2017 - CT 7/2017 - Duloxetin 60mg, 9/2017 - Duloxetin 30mg, 11/2017 - CT 3.5.2018 - Milnacipran 25mg, 10.5.2018 - Milnacipran 50mg, 20.5.2018 - Milnacipran 25mg, 24.5.2018 - CT and protracted WD Supplements: none Link to post Share on other sites
juelli Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 Thank you for this. 💕 1990s-Zoloft, Paxil, Ambien, Welbutrin, Adderal Don't remember time frame, all discontinued 1999-Effexor & Klonopin 2005- Effexor & Klonopin uninformed fast taper. Failed, reinstated 2010-Effexor & Klonopin very slow taper; uninformed 2017 Effexor Nov 10mg OFF - Sxs ok for 1- 2 months Continue Klonopin taper 2018 April found Benzo Buddies/Benzo FB groups 2018 June Klonopin 1.5 mg Begin Daily Liquid Microtaper (symptom based) 2019 May Klonopin <0.6mg 2005-Present Vit D 1989-Present Levothyroxine Link to post Share on other sites
myndfull Posted January 8 Author Share Posted January 8 Only a year and a half has passed since I wrote my success story, yet it seems like a lifetime ago--decades. If you're a regular user of SA.org you won't find anything I have to say today that will be original. But I think anyone in withdrawal needs to hear again that things DO get better, that the trajectory of withdrawal is toward healing. I'm still in recovery. Each time I have a difficult time of it I come out changed, subtly different, yet always essentially more like the person I used to be: calm, centered, sensible, honest (especially to myself), kind, forgiving, generous, grateful. Anti-depressants took those very human characteristics away and gave me in return a hollow, self-centered unhappy man. Here's a little of what's happened since I was last here: My physical and psychological issues have greatly diminished, though are not completely gone; I no longer have awful IBS-like symptoms; I no longer get debilitating headaches; I rarely get the intense flu-like paresthesia (body aches--what I've called the "clench" or the "buzz") that plagued me; I'm able to sleep for six hours straight, tho' I still have insomnia--something I've had off and on since I was thirteen; I don't have much of the sinus sensitivity that, coupled with the headaches, made sleep sometimes impossible; I don't have anhedonia, though I can get a little down and dispirited; I don't get withdrawal's hamster-wheel effects, the brain fog, spinning, spinning, spinning in my brain; I don't have paranoia; I don't rage anymore; I don't get emotionally upset about little things; I can read books again and listen to music with great absorption and delight (I'm listening to Coltrane's "Ballads" album as I write this); I'm generally hopeful now about the future. Etc. -- I've had so many symptoms, detailing any more of them here would be laborious and unhelpful. I'm better!!!! I've said to my wife lately that I feel like I'm waking up. Waking up. I've been asleep or deadened to so much. My ability to feel the world, to sense it with a richer contextuality, has increased exponentially. It increases each month. From week to week I am not the same person. I feel things now about the world, myself, etc., that I didn't or couldn't feel or see before, or did but as though through a glass darkly. For example, lately I'm feeling a renewal of the love I felt for my wife when we had just met, and I'm rediscovering her and that love--something I've always felt but under the effects of my SSRI couldn't express very well. I'm in love! I can understand now just how smart I was to have chosen her so many years ago, back when I wasn't taking an SSRI, back when I was sensible and strong, yet distrustful and wary of my emotions. So, before I go, here's a weird take: These SSRI's actually work! I'm cured! Hear me out: First, you have to take them for a number of years. Then you have to taper off them for a number of years. Then you have to wait a number of years to regrow your "whatever" (don't ask; I don't know; your CNS?). As you do, you begin to feel like you've been upgraded, version 2.0 (1.0 being buggy and clumsy to use; a prototype, used with caution, but abused with unnecessarily emotional turmoil). Before I go, I have a warning for some of you. You may feel that you'll never be whole/better/good again. You are saying essentially that you are different. Don't feel that way. You're not special. You're not. You'll heal like the rest of us did. It's the way of it. You may lack the patience to be able to see that now, but if there's one thing your re-growth will teach you it's patience. I may be back in a couple years when I'll be shiny new. 3.0? I hope I live long enough. One can't be too optimistic, but after withdrawal one can certainly feel justified in casting caution to the wind and hoping for the best. 3 I had tried and failed to stop Paxil several times (though never using a long, slow taper) and thought Celexa might be easier, so I shifted to Celexa in 2012. In August of 2014 I began a serious tapered withdrawal from Celexa (20 mg.), making monthly drops, mostly 10% of the last dose, sometimes more, sometimes less. In July of 2016 I took an early retirement at 59 in large part because of my intense withdrawal symptoms. Three years and eight months after beginning my taper, I stopped taking Celexa on 5/12/18. I am currently in recovery and I am very slowly getting better. I still have waves and some are quite bad. But overall the trend is toward healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Moderator Erell Posted January 9 Moderator Share Posted January 9 20 hours ago, myndfull said: Before I go, I have a warning for some of you. You may feel that you'll never be whole/better/good again. You are saying essentially that you are different. Don't feel that way. You're not special. You're not. You'll heal like the rest of us did. It's the way of it. You may lack the patience to be able to see that now, but if there's one thing your re-growth will teach you it's patience. I love it ! ❤️ Thank you for taking the time to remind that I'm absolutely not special And enjoy the 2.0 life version ! 1 2006 : 20mg Paroxetine + Bromazepam(no specific dose) (2008 : cold turkey of both) 2010 : 20mg Deroxat + Bromazepam 2013: Switch from Bromazepam To Prazepam (longer half-life) 2014-June2017 : Prazepam taper, 3% drops. 2018 to August 2019 : Paroxetine 20mg taper (3% every 15 days). - 22nd August updosed To 10mg (was at 8.4mg) 25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paroxetine. April 2020-August 2020 : Paxil to Prozac bridge. Details : https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21457-erell-struggling-with-paroxetine/?do=findComment&comment=499847 Current Supplements : magnesium citrate/ fish oil/ evening primrose oil Current medication : 7mg Fluoxetine + toothpick Paroxetine (since 20 Aug 2020) + 1mg Diazepam (since 29 Aug 2020) Website : https://selibererdelapsychiatrie.wordpress.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
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