DD44: please help, currently on mirtazapine and gabapentin

[Humanist56]

I should also mention I’m dealing with the insomnia fear issue and the SI issue right now. I hope that you can hang in and find those meetings helpful, I think they’re part of self care. I hope they email me back with the log in. 
 

best, 

Humanist 

[DD44]

@Humanist56

i emailed to join the meeting 

 

I’m not willing to believe I can’t get off this crap and live a good life after

 

ill do whatever I have to do

if I have to pay a damn shaman 

 

anyhow hope to attend meeting in a hour 

[Humanist56]

Yeah, they haven’t emailed me back yet either. Please note the other meetings just provide you with a zoom link and you can just attend. I’ m referring to the alternative to SI meetings which I’ve attended. 
 

I hope they email me back so I can jump on, I need it. Just sitting here reading this forum all day and worrying about going back to work. Probably not good. 
 

best, Humanist 

[DD44]

Please someone help me 

 

I can’t keep up like this 

. I don’t want to live if every night I’m just wide awake only to fall asleep from 10a-1130am

 

i need maybe a psychiatrist who understands withdrawal (I know this is very few but their must be a short list of people somewhere). I know everyone says no to trying a different antidepressant so I could make come off this one and then get off that one but I have to try something 

 

this drug is going to kill me or I’m going to hurt myself if I can’t figure out a way to ******* feel better. It’s no way to live. 
 

I don’t want to live if this is my life 

 

[DD44]

@elbee reaching out to you today because I read your entire story and it resonated with me a lot. 

 

I know no one can give me a definitive guaranteed answer but I’m struggling so much at this point I’m really considering consulting my doctor about bridging to a different anti depressant to see if it would aid me in getting off this horrible mirtazapine. I think I latched onto you elbee because I noticed you did taper mirtazapine BEFORE Zoloft and it’s one of the SSRIs I’m considering. I know bridging is a very difficult debated topic but I feel like I’m going to kill myself if I can’t get any sleep any time soon. Something has got to give. I do not expect perfection - 2 hours here, 5 there whatever - but having back to back to back 0 nights is going to make me nuts and I need to try something. Iv been holding at 6.8mg of mirtazapine since late October and nothing is getting better at all. 

6.8 isn’t supposed to be a therapeutic dose it’s really mostly supposed to Sedate me. My logic is maybe if a traditional antidepressant could help improve my mood maybe I wouldn’t struggle to get even a hour of rest. Then my goal would be to get off mirt and then off the ssri. I know there is risk involved but I can’t keep on this way. Sorry to sound so dramatic but when I’m praying for death to take me everyday I think it’s time to make a move.

 

also to add because I’m fully transparent I took .25mg Xanax last night because I just could not take it anymore 
 

 

[Jay78]

You shouldn't be feeling guilty for taking .25 Xanax if it helped you that's the whole point, you sound like you are in tough spot, so you needed it and the point of them is to help you. I was one the occasional .25 xanax for years for minor anxiety attacks and I was leading a happy and productive life, enviably so even. Only when the snri effexor elevated may panic to new heights and under the eye of a careless psychiatrist did I get seriously addicted to xanax beyond anything I ever dreamed I would do. 

 

Remeron isn't even considered an antidepressant by many psychiatrists, I know it's never helped with anything but sleep but then it ruined the quality of sleep so much it was pointless, plus due to the antihistaminic effect you put on tons of weight. 

 

Maybe a minimum dose of citalopram will be good for you, others know better than I do, this is a mere suggestion. But even if you can get some sleep on something like centrac (sorry I can only remember the brand name) which is supposed to be one of the more harmless benzos for a little while it will do wonders for you. If you can't seem to get any sleep it's a guarantee you ll get worse and worse that's for sure. Why don't you try a little more melatonin 0.3mg is really terribly low, you should probably be at 2mg and from my experience and reading exogenous melatonin won't disrupt endogenous production. 

[elbee]

Hello @DD44. I appreciate hearing that reading my story was useful for you. 

We have chatted in your thread about sleep before. It's incredibly difficult and scary (and can be dangerous) to lack sleep for long periods of time. I understand this, and I have wrestled with it too, as I have shared with you:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=453104
 

 

You said those words really spoke to you.
 

I also suggested to look for a larger community of support. Again, I use the ACA/ACoA program to deal with unhealed childhood wounding, which I believe lead me to take the drugs in the first place:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=453132
 

 

I didn’t see that you commented on my suggestion to check that out.
 

I also shared my approach to self-care with you, and focusing on taking small steps each day:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=455758
 

 

I don’t see that you commented on that suggestion.
 

You mentioned flashbacks at one point, so I shared more with you about how I approach dealing with those, again, through working with childhood wounding. I also shared my perspectives on how trauma recovery seems to mirror the healing psych drug slow taper withdrawal process:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=466127
 

 

I don’t see that you commented on that share.
 

Perhaps most relevant to what you are bringing up now, I shared about my sleep struggles with you, and how I’ve approached working with that here:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=466704
 

 

I also shared my thoughts on the “unacceptability” of sleepless nights:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=469821
 

 

and here:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=471093
 

 

I also shared with you some thoughts on my approach to dealing with fear:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=471093
 

 

I don’t see that you commented on that.
 

Again, closely related to your most recent post where you tagged me, I specifically shared with you my experience dealing with Remeron:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21575-dd44-please-help-currently-on-mirtazapine-and-gabapentin/?do=findComment&comment=512494
 

 

Again, you didn’t speak specifically to what I shared with you along those lines.

And I think I’ve shared this with you before (but didn't see it in your thread), but here is a post that I did specifically on sleep hygiene:
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/17471-early-morning-waking-managing-the-morning-cortisol-spike/?do=findComment&comment=361770

 

This is what I would recommend for you most. Self-care around sleep is what I used to replace my drugs (including Remeron) for sleep. If you aren’t working to replace the drugs with something else, then you will continue to turn to the drugs. In my opinion (and this is just my opinion), the slow taper allows discomfort to arise in manageable (yet often painful) ways. This will include lack of sleep. By doing a slow taper, we give ourselves the opportunities to find OTHER ways of meeting our needs beside the drugs. This includes our need for sleep.
 

I’m happy to share supportive words with you, and cheer you on in your successes, but as far as sharing knowledge with you, I’ve shared most of what I have to offer. I know of no quick fixes to what I went through and what you are experiencing. All I can share is what I did, and let you know I found a way to greater freedom doing these things. I hope my summarizing these things with you in one post is helpful.

[DD44]

Hi @elbee

I do sincerely appreciate you taking so much time to answer each and every question I have had. And I do apologize if I didn’t respond so many times, as you know this process can be debilitating at times and I always read carefully everything you ever sent. I have been trying very hard in almost all of the categories that we have discussed. Night and morning routines, parenting myself, SELF-CARE, therapy, etc. I could give it a harder push - but my frustration is that from jan 2020, to dec 2020 I only was able to taper about about .6 of a milligram. Maybe there is some thing I’m still doing wrong that would help bring the process to what feels like a reasonable pace m, I’m not sure. But you could imagine that if I’m going at this same pace it would take 6 or 7 years to get off my one drug. It seems like I’m really struggling to make any headway. That’s why I’m at a point of considering bridging with a ssri. Also your story was truely inspiring to me, however I have to note that I do have to work and that presents a bit of a necessity to have some level of rest each day. If I didn’t have to work at all, i can say that having multiple zero nights would be not as much of a deal. Please do not think I am ungrateful for your time and help. I am. I went back and re-read every link you just attached and it’s all stuff I feel I am doing and will continue to give my best effort. I’m really not sure what I’m ultimately going to do or what I should do, and I do wish my internal voice was louder and more confident. I reach out here because I’m not sure and of course I don’t want to harm myself any more than I already have. Sorry if I seemed to ramble at any point here. I know you did not bridge to a different drug to help you get off a first drug but if you can think of anyone who did on this forum with any success maybe I could reach out to them, if not I understand. I know it is a very rare and occurrence that carries significant risks. Thank you again for your time. 

[Shebon]

DD:  

I have discovered the strong anti-histamine properties of remeron and the fact that remeron can even cause histamine intolerance as an AD.  So, you need to eliminate any foods that may be increasing histamine (there are lists all over the internet).  I have switched to taking 400 mg. of magnesium at 8:30 p.m. and magnesium helps to mop up excess histamine.  Histamine is a stimulant to the CNS.  

 

I tried Vit C. but found that too stimulating and if you are taking beef organs, tumeric, and boswellia (not sure what that is), you may be increasing histamine in your system.  Histamine may be the big problem you cannot sleep too.  Giving up your supplements other than magnesium at nite might provide some relief as well as eating low-histamine producing foods.  

 

We can discuss further if needed.....just want you to get some sleep.   Also, have you tried Calms Forte?  All natural and non-habit forming.  It will take awhile for excess histamine to leave the body (like a bucket that fills up and then over), but it will happen with proper low-histamine foods and magnesium at nite.   

 

Best regards,

Shebon

[DD44]

@Shebon

i just looked and I am pretty much already following a low histamine diet. I don’t drink or eat much of anything I see on the lists. I did try to calms forte and it didn’t work although I could try again. Last night was my first ok night in many many days. I’m trying to stay positive and connected to that win but it’s been a consistent 2 good days 4 bad etc etc for months now. Iv been holding at 6.8mg since October and nothing has really changed. I’m not really sure what to do anymore. And that’s why Iv been so desperate and researching Prozac/lexapro bridges the last couple days because this taper seems to be going no where. I’m down .6 of a milligram in ONE YEAR. Meanwhile I see others making progress at a bit more steady pace. I’m not expecting a miracle but half a milligram in one year seems pretty bad. I reviewed everything elbee told me about sleep and self care and I’m aggressively trying to do all of it, so I would expect a little bit more progress. Sorry if I seem agitated, I’m just terribly frustrated. I sincerely appreciate you checking in on me. I am also considering changing psychs and connecting with one who has more knowledge about withdrawal. Also sorry need to update my signature - will DO, I only take tumeric and vitC now but am going to start back with 200mg magnesium gly  and .3 melatonin  this evening 
 

D x 

[DD44]

Just chronicling that I’m up 

I CANNOT keep up like this

im either going to take something else so I can sleep or freaking end it. I see countless people last night in here who sure they had sleep issues but 

what's the use 

mans before you ask I’m not staring at a bright screen I have a shield on it with red light classes and have been doing everything I’m supposed to 

I’m ready for a Xanax 

[DD44]

If someone can please direct me to the most accurate list of doctors who can quasi at in this process and do medication management 

 

I cannot continue like this. I’m going to either lose my job or lose my life. It’s not working for me to just sit and be waiting to stabilize as I have been since October 

[DD44]

@Shebon

@Shep

@Altostrata

 

i am sorry if my last two posts sound like a raving lunatic. But I honestly cannot keep on the way I am. Not working is not a option for me. Continue to work while being awake all night is not working for me. I need guidance or a doctor who is more interested in helping me withdrawl safely. I have been trying to follow everyone’s advise to a tee for months and nothing is changing. Iv read through other peoples success stories and others who are in process of Mirt withdrawl and at this point it’s just upsetting me that I see other people succeeding at what I’m failing at. I will begin writing my daily journal here everyday since that seems to help gain more guidance. I’m really struggling here I don’t know how else I can express it. I’m sorry I am a constant voice on here right now but I have to figure out how to get myself a little more stable.

 

Dana 

[DC33]

Have you visited a sleep specialist? I am diagnosed with a circadian rhythm order called DSPD and my sleep doc has helped me immensely to manage it. I spent YEARS being awake for hours on end in the middle of the night and suffering during the day. I have lost jobs over it. A good sleep doctor will understand how Mirtazapine and withdrawal can impact your sleep and help give you some tools to manage your sleep through the taper. From my experience the answer is not more meds and supplements. The answer is sleep hygiene, bright morning light (I do daily light therapy), and most importantly, learning to work with your body's natural circadian rhythm. I know how frustrating sleep troubles are. It will get better. Hang in there.

[DD44]

@DC33

Hey there

yes, I did go to a sleep specialist and he was the one who originally put me on Temezapam and Remeron in early 2018. They offered to do sleep studies on me but they would only approve the home study that is looking for sleep apnea. I took home the machine three times and tried to complete the test even though I know I don't have apnea, and every time I failed ( i wasn't able to fall asleep with the machine hooked to my finger). Prior to my 2018 experience with insomnia I had only had one experience with a multi week insomnia in 2016. I was always a bit of a night owl but I never had more than one restless night every couple month and was extremely healthy. I am not sure that a sleep specialist would help me. My experience with the first one wasn't good, be kept referring me back to my psychiatrist and ultimately wanted nothing to do with me. 

 

Thank you for your response, very thoughtful.

 

I am still however unsure of what to do next. I do not what to keep holding anymore. I am almost 35 and missing what should be a great time in my life. Even if I have to be on a different drug for longer, I would be okay with it if I can be on a semi normal rest schedule. 

[DC33]

I totally hear you. Sleep issues and medication issues have taken a lot of good years away from me too, and I am still not back to where I need to be. Progress doesn't always happen as fast as we want, but it will happen.

 

My first visit to a sleep doc was in 2014 and I did an overnight sleep study even though I knew I didn't have sleep apnea. The study revealed nothing and they just gave me benzos and told me it was such a low dose I had nothing to worry about. This was horrible advice and led me to becoming dependent on nightly benzos for sleep which made me so much worse over a period of time and ultimately led me to starting Mirtazapine and getting stuck in the mess I am in now.

 

It was not until 2017 after I had been in circles for years with psychiatrists, primary doctors, naturopaths, etc. that I was referred to a new sleep doc from an endocrinologist. I was not into the idea at all as I had wasted time and been put on drugs before, but I gave it a shot. Glad I did. My sleep doc is the only doc I go to anymore because he understands the dangers of psychiatric medications and actually believes me, while my psych just tried to argue with me about withdrawal and laughed at a slow taper.

 

There are good sleep docs in existence. I don't know who your best ones are locally, but I really think the right one could help you. It sounds like that is your biggest hurdle with tapering the Mirt. If you would be interested I could send you a message with the contact for my doctor. He is in Atlanta, but does tele health appointments. I'm not sure about out of state, but you could ask.

[DD44]

@DC33

yes I’d gladly take the referral of doctor and give it a shot. I’m willing to pay whatever is in my power to work with someone who is more knowledgeable than what I have so far encountered. I’m not discounting anything the moderators have said or suggested-I am very grateful to them for everything -  but I simply cannot just hold anymore day after day with no rest. I look at your signature and the fact that you could go from 22mg to 5mg of Mirt in one year blows my mind. I’d do anything to have simply been able to reduce by 1mg and still be able to function, it just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t doubt that you had struggles in that but clearly you ARE succeeding and I want that for myself more than anything. I also am taking notes from your signature that you take D3, didn’t realize that was an option - may try since I have some. 

[DD44]

@DC33

yes I’d gladly take the referral of doctor and give it a shot. I’m willing to pay whatever is in my power to work with someone who is more knowledgeable than what I have so far encountered. I’m not discounting anything the moderators have said or suggested-I am very grateful to them for everything -  but I simply cannot just hold anymore day after day with no rest. I look at your signature and the fact that you could go from 22mg to 5mg of Mirt in one year blows my mind. I’d do anything to have simply been able to reduce by 1mg and still be able to function, it just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t doubt that you had struggles in that but clearly you ARE succeeding and I want that for myself more than anything. I also am taking notes from your signature that you take D3, didn’t realize that was an option - may try since I have some. 

[DD44]

@PH1

hi there, we haven’t met yet. But I came across your page from DC33. I noticed you were on my drug Mirt, but more importantly to me I noticed that you began lexapro shortly after you started Mirt- if I read it correctly. Now I know all bodies and brains are different - and I know the mods don’t encourage adding new drugs ever- but I am struggling to make even a .002 dry cut to my 7.5 Mirt. I have never tried a ssri and I am certainly not asking you to advise whether I should or not. My wonder and question is do you think that being on the lexapro has aided you in getting off the Mirt? I’m on Mirt for sleep (all from 1 severe multi wk instance of insomnia back in 2018) and my Mirt had basically crapped out on me at 6.8mg and I’m getting almost no sleep each day. It’s brutal. I’m contacting the best psychs I can find who are interested in helping people stabilize and withdrawl. I’m just seriously considering starting a small dose of a ssri to see if it could help level me out. I know it’s a risk and again not asking for advise - more so just your experience since you seem to be steadily getting off the Mirt as is DC33. Thanks for any response and sincerely hope you’re well 

 

DD 

[DC33]

I'll send you a private message with a link to my doctor's site.

 

2018 (the year of 22 to 5 mg) was a rough one. Some periods of intense suffering that lasted weeks on end due to dropping dosage too quickly. I started and lost a job that year due to my sleep issues and have not been able to work full-time since. I need to put the Mirt journey completely behind me before I will be reliable enough for a full-time job again. I have made tons progress, but it's been a bumpy road.

 

I don't know how much D3 helps with withdrawal, but it's good to take in the winter due to getting less exposure to sunlight and initial research shows it's a good idea to take to fight off COVID. I am taking 5000 iu right now.

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, DD44 said:

I also am taking notes from your signature that you take D3, didn’t realize that was an option - may try since I have some. 

 

Vitamin D is a day time vitamin so it is best taken in the morning.  When starting anything new always try a small amount first to see how you respond to it.  Also only make one change at a time.  It is also best to take things as a single supplement, not a complex.

 

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable

 

It's also a good idea to check to see other members' experiences.  There are many existing topics on SA.  I prefer to use a search engine and add site:survivingantidepressants.org to my search term.

 

vitamin-d3-cholecalciferol-or-calcitriol

 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2021 by ChessieCat

[Altostrata]

@DD44 What happened to the gabapentin you were taking in October 2019?

 

How did you go off temazepam? Did you switch right over to Ambien in August 2018? How was your sleep after that?

 

Did your current stretch of sleep problems start when you went off mirtazapine in May 2019?

[DD44]

@Altostrata

The gabapentin was stopped within days because it wasn’t helping with sleep and was giving digestive issues. Haven’t taken it since.

 

I believe I did switch over? It’s a bit foggy so I can’t remember honestly. I’d say the first 3 months of my taper in 2018 went ok? But then as I went into 20219 and kept going my sleep feel completely apart and nothing would help that we tried. 
 

NO, my currently stretch of issues began this past October. I hade been on 7.5 in January and had gotten down to only 6.6 late October when things got messed up.

 

last night instead of a Xanax I took 6mg of ambien and it did the trick, I’m so glad I was able to get some rest. But 2 out of 7 days is still not something I’m happy with. I’m hoping to find a more competent doctor who would be able to discuss a low dose of lexapro (I have never tried any SSRIs) to see if could stabilize me and allow me to get into a better sleep rhythm. My Mirt dose has been holding at 6.8 for 3 months with basically no progress.  I understand there’s risks involved but i just can’t continue to do the just hold thing add nothing thing. I’ll end of losing my job or worse. So any info from mods is still much appreciated, and anyone who’s been on a low dose ssri plus low dose Mirt feel free to chim in as well. 
 

Iv been pretty diligent about sleep hygiene but can always do a little better- always striving for that. 

[DD44]

@Jay78

sorry your message got lost in shuffle.

I don’t feel guilt, at first a little - but I have to get sleep. Allowing myself to just unravel and my life the same in the name of holding at my dose and doing nothing wasn’t working for me. 
 

yes MIRT did make me sleep like 15 hours initially when I was first put on 15mg back in 2018. This time around 7.5 mg worked for the first ten months very well and now I’m at 6.8 (not a giant difference) and it’s hardly ever working - I wish it did. I wish I was fairing like others I see here on SA who are able to reduce by multiple milagrams each year. My thought process is that 6.8 isn’t considered a therapeutic dose so it’s not unheard of for someone to also be on a ssri. Of course I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t have so much trouble with getting off the ssri - I can’t imagine it being any worse than what Mirt has done to me. It turned a could weeks worth of insomnia into a 3 year ordeal. I’m leaning towards asking for a very low dose lexapro. Maybe I could start at 2.5 instead of 5 to see how much system responds. Right now I do have some anxiety but it all

centers around not being able to get rest and plan my life like a normal person

i do also have some unresolved trauma around a very dysfunctional upbringing and I’m in therapy weekly. What I’m saying is that while of course I want to be drug free- there ARE some people who get on a ssri and it helps them for a time. There are some people who are able To come off a ssri and it’s not this nightmare called Mirt. That isn’t to say that there aren’t people who have just as bad an experience with a ssri as I’m having with Mirt. However I do note that based on my reading it seems Mirt has a very bad reputation for Withdrawl.

 

last night I had .6 of ambien, been a very long time since I did, and it helped a lot. But I still don’t consider 2 out of 7 days getting rest enough to lead a healthy life in my book. So we will see. 

 

[elbee]

On 1/13/2021 at 11:01 AM, DD44 said:

Thank you again for your time. 

Hi @DD44 It sounds like my capturing those links into one summary post was useful for you, I'm glad. No, I don't think pushing harder makes sense. I think it's more about gently trying different things, and consistently doing what seems to be of benefit. 

Again, I'm sorry sleep deprivation has been such a painful and debilitating factor in your life. I know how scary that can be. 🙏❤️

[DD44]

1/15

10 up get ready for online meeting 

1030 meeting 

11 get ready for work 

12 get to work 

1230 decaf coffee and fruit to eat 

12-530 work / mix of computer work and play with 6 year old 

2pm turkey, bacon veggie sandwich on sourdough 

6 15 minutes stair climber at gym 

7 shower 

730 brief online meeting 

8 take .3 melatonin and 200 mg magnesium 

830 drive to get dinner 

9 eat dinner (little too spicy chicken and rice small amount of ice cream)

10 take 6.8mg remeron /watched tv show 

1130 wind down down get ready for bed 

1230 get into bed and read boring book with red light glasses on 

1ish felt drowsy tried to turn off everything and sleep (every fit full)

2-3am awake- Took .5 mg ambien 

3a-9a lots of tossing and turning no solid rest time 

950 fully awake but still in bed, and might read till 1030a 

 

[DD44]

1/16

12-not out of bed till 12 because my only two hours of rest we between about 930-1130a But  felt decent when getting up and out

1215 cleaned room / laundry 

2p went out and got sandwich- turkey on thin bagel, lettuce tomato onion 

3p went to get oil change on car 

440p went to gym and did moderate weight lifting 

615 target to buy one item 

8p picked up dinner - chicken kabob, rice, bread and mashed eggplant 

830- shower 

9 ate food and watched some tv 

10p-11p chatted w someone met from on here 

11p took 7mg Mirt (updosed by .2)

1130 watched a little cosmos Carl Sagan 

(waiting for bedsheets out of dryer) 

1230? Took.3 melatonin, get in bed to wind down and read

1a tried to fall asleep 

130-10am at no point felt even drowsy, no rest ,multiple day dreams induced by guided meditations. Got up around 3a bathroom and 6a took 400mg magnesium. Now 1020a not up out of bed because my head feels like total mush. Will put sunlamps on infront of my face and watch some light tv. Will try to get out of bed soon 

no serious symptoms other than feeling brain dead and body hurting from workout/ not resting 

 

[DD44]

1/17

11a out of bed 

12p using sun lamp all day trying to stay out of bed all day 

1p wrote in journal, cleaned out fridge 

2p piano / can’t remember much of what I did during day, not a lot because exhausted 

3p went out to get a açaí bowl (fruit and stuff) 

4p came back home to eat 

5p-8p can’t really remember what I was doing watching tv, research about moving 

8p went out to get dinner, pho 

840p shower 

9p ate dinner / watched tv 

1030 p turned everything off started new night routine which was

journaling worries, (supposed to stretch and meditate but don’t think I did) 

12p got in bed 

12-3a? Some rest but broken, work around 3a

3a-10a several wakes but able to fall back into a light sleep 

1030a in bed, sun lamp infront on face

will get out in 15mins 

 

[Jen1234]

Hey! 
 

I struggle with the same insomnia issues. It’s been awful. Im so sorry you’ve dealt with this too. Life zapping. It was certainly triggered by meds for me. I’m not sure what to think of it anymore given it’s lasted 2.5 yrs off the meds. I noticed you suffered with insomnia before the meds and had quite a bit of trauma and stressful situations in your life, impacting the insomnia even more. Have you considered that maybe it’s not the meds at this point, but the vicious insomnia cycle/build up of stress that many others who have never touched a med know so well  I’m sure you’ve considered this so I’m sorry if I’m stepping out of line. I’m dealing with trying to figure out what’s me and what’s the med too. I’ve done tons and tons of research on insomnia and spoken to so many individuals with it who have the same severity of insomnia but never touched a med.  Maybe it is the med still. You would know best, but I’d be curious if you’ve tried CBT-I yet? Perhaps it might be helpful to try just in case it’s not the meds?

[DD44]

@jen1234

 

a consistent schedule is definitely something both of us can benefit from. I have actually coined this idea in my head the last couple days as “breaking up with my bed” 

my bed has always been this happy place for me. My spaceship, I call it, 

but unfortunately I have to break up with that. I only want to subscribe to other people who don’t have this issue we do- and do as they do. I think about our ancestors (yes they didn’t have drugs) and what they did - they got up with the sun and went down with it. Some of us have to try to follow that model- and you and I may be that type. It’s hard for me- I don’t like anywhere in my house besides my room, bur I’d I want my health back I have to fight against that. One thing you and I have to do is work on our subconscious. Our brains are so powerful, you must read about your subconscious and believe you can heal yourself. No matter how much this drug has effected my brain - I absolutely refuse to believe that I will eventually find my health better than it is now. But it takes works, obviously. What a hard way to learn these lessons. But I’m aggressively working on my belief system and I will never believe that I’m ruined for damaged forever. I’m damn frustrated, but I’m not dead. 
 

are you following as strict a schedule as you can? I’m trying my best.

 

im also trying very hard to start a prescribe of yoga /meditation.

 

I play piano and journal easy. But need more. Also sunlight or a sun lamp, being religious. Trying my best. 

[Jen1234]

You have a great attitude towards this. Even if you feel like you’re not where you want to be yet, the fact that you can see the work that needs to be done and will do anything to get there will surely work in your favor. You mentioned your bed is your happy place. That’s so great to hear give. So many people with insomnia feel the opposite.  When you go to sleep at night do you feel relaxed and calm and still have difficulty getting quality sleep? Sometimes I think I’m relaxed, but I wonder if I forget what it truly feels like to be relaxed in bed and not have the nagging thought that maybe tonight I won’t sleep. Im not going to pretend cbt-I will work for you because, well, it didn’t for me. But a big part of cbt-I is sleep restriction and setting a very small sleep window (5hrs in bed only) to start with and then increasing the sleep window with time. Have you ever tried that and if so what were the results for you? I may give it another go sometime soon to see if maybe it will help.

[DD44]

@Jen1234

iv never followed cbti to a tee. I understand its principles and believe it could help; I will follow it closer when I get my own apartment later this year. I’ll be able to stay out of my bedroom more. 
 

know that my attitude does fluctuate, but reading (which I love) about the subconscious helps me realize that the words, ideas etc I feed my conscious kind impact my subconscious, which is believed to be so powerful. And I do believe it is. 
 

one thing I’m also doing that is hard but I think helps- is if I didn’t get the rest I wanted - I try to completely ignore the mental irritation that I have about it. I only focus on my physical symptoms and try to see what I can do to mitigate them. I’m not perfect, I still get very angry (as seen here on my previous entries) but I know that being angry or upset does nothing to get the rest back that I didn’t get. Letting go of the anger or sadness as much as I can, can help me later that night if that makes sense. This is a horrible experience for all that go through it. Another thing I think about  is what my ancestors (Jewish decent) had to endure. You have to tell yourself even in a dark moment you are strong. Sounds crazy but, hey whatever the f🥱ck it takes. 

[Jen1234]

Yes so true. I struggle with feeding my subconscious positivity after a zero night (like today!). But it rly is so important. I often wonder how much of my insomnia is a subconscious fear about sleep. I perceive myself as relaxed at night, but perhaps my subconscious is not. It’s so hard to tease everything apart. What’s the med, what’s me? I find myself racking my brain 24/7 on these “bad” days in which I don’t sleep at all, attempting to piece the puzzle together. I need to let that go, as I’ll never truly know what happened and just focus on what I can control. That is a smart approach to think about what others have endured as well, particularly your ancestors. Our issue may not be someone else’s, but plenty out there are going through comparably rough waters. It’s helpful to know we aren’t alone in our suffering 

[DD44]

@Jen1234

yes, do not rack brain after a bad evening- no point. 
yes, know many suffer just as worse and more.

 

yes, keep feeding subconscious the right things - build belief system that is unshakable. 
 

focus on calming physical symptoms of bad evenings. Like hot shower, heating pad. I like ice packs for my face. Stretching. Go outside and look at the sky- calming effect. Journal. Sing a tune. Read. Dance maybe? I’m a dancer too... I wish you a productive day and a easy night ..

 

-D x 

[DD44]

1/18

11am got rest, out of bed around here 

12-2 cleaned up, did hair, worked on TikTok 

Ate lunch, tuna on toast with lentil soup 

3pm piano and relaxing 

430 went on a walk 

530 called my mom, she upset me 

6p went food shopping 

8p home and ate a light ISH dinner

830 dad called, upset me greatly 

10p took 6.8mg Mirt, called my warm line support to help me calm down 

1040 shower 

1115 stretches are some melatonin 

1130-1230 journaling in low light 

1 lights out 

3am wide awake, took 8mg ambien, need rest, have work today 

5-10a got some very light broken rest 

1030a out of bed, feel soso 

[DD44]

1/18

11am got rest, out of bed around here 

12-2 cleaned up, did hair, worked on TikTok 

Ate lunch, tuna on toast with lentil soup 

3pm piano and relaxing 

430 went on a walk 

530 called my mom, she upset me 

6p went food shopping 

8p home and ate a light ISH dinner

830 dad called, upset me greatly 

10p took 6.8mg Mirt, called my warm line support to help me calm down 

1040 shower 

1115 stretches are some melatonin 

1130-1230 journaling in low light 

1 lights out 

3am wide awake, took 8mg ambien, need rest, have work today 

5-10a got some very light broken rest 

1030a out of bed, feel soso