Icip: Has anyone with these symptoms had them improve, or completely go away?

[mstimc]

14 minutes ago, Icip said:

I didn’t think I could make myself feel so bad through worrying alone.

 

Icip, as someone with high-functioning OCD, I know the feeling.  Every time I go to the grocery store, even though I wear gloves and a mask as required, I'm always afraid I touched something contaminated and then touched my nose or eyes, or transfered the virus from my gloves to the groceries.  I tell myself its the nature of OCD to create worry and the thoughts will pass with time.  I also practice reality checking to minimize the thoughts.  For me to catch the virus, I would have to touch something that was handled by someone who was contagious, then I I'd need to rub my nose or mouth and transfer the virus to my respiratory system, etc. etc.  The odds of any one of those things is pretty extreme, and if that happened a lot, many more people would be sick.  

 

Its the same with lead.  If I remember my environmental biology classes correctly, you have to be exposed for a prolonged period at a significant level, and you have to ingest it.  I remember reading the Romans lined their aqueducts with lead to keep them from leaking, and it took generations of exposure to theoretically cause problems.  Paint with lead in it was common in the US until the early 1970's, and it was dangerous for small children who picked pieces of peeling paint and put them in their mouths.  I worked in my dad's service station for about three years and was around lead in the form of wheel weights used to balance wheels after we installed new tires.  It doesn't just "evaporate" and get in the air and it doesn't "rub off." 

 

When I obsess over something, I try to remind myself its not the thing itself but my OCD-driven thought patterns that are causing the problem.  I practice OCD to manage the intrusive thinking and that helps me maintain my perspective.

 

The thoughts will decrease as you recover.  

[Icip]

@mstimc,

 

Thank you for writing that, I’ve tried to console with family members, my Dad said, “most pipes are still lead, you ingest it every day”, this didn’t help me too much. Reading that has calmed me down. Did your OCD worsen during withdrawal? I’ve found that many of my compulsions have gone, I don’t really have the motivation to perform any rituals that I used to - not eating breakfast would make me so anxious; I hardly eat during the day now - I kind of want it all to come back.

 

I’ve tried telling myself what you’ve said, but it’s hard to believe my own thoughts so again, thank you. Just have to hope that everything calms down up there now!

 

I had therapy for intrusive thoughts, mainly around relationships - I still struggle with the health side of things. Have you read any books about OCD? Self-help books have never appealed to me, but a lot of people I know with the ‘disorder’ have said that they’ve helped

[mstimc]

11 hours ago, Icip said:

I didn’t think I could make myself feel so bad through worrying alone.

 

Hi Icip

Yes, a book that helped me a lot is "Everyday Mindfulness for OCD": https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06XGRB72W/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o07?ie=UTF8&psc=1.  very practical and easy to understand.  Your dad was half-right: the pipes aren't lead but the solder that joins them used to be made with lead until about 30 years ago.  And we're not all dead or insane, so it can't be all that bad.

 

My OCD was pretty bad during WD--constant negative thinking and, like you, guilt for past mistakes.  I learned its what we do with our future that's important, not what's in the past.  Don't beat yourself up.  Anxiety, WD and OCD tend to magnify the slightest error, and 99 percent of the time, the terrible thing you think you did has faded from everyone's memory but yours.  

 

 

 

Edited May 20, 2020 by mstimc

[KenA]

@Icip

So let's see, when I started out after a couple of months I was suffering pretty badly most every day from w/d symptoms. Tinnitus, eye strain and vision changes, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, muscle cramps & spasms, deep dark depression with suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts, panic attacks and anxiety attacks, heart palpatations and chest pain, restlessness and agitation, memory problems, cog fog and concentration issues, dp/dr, mood swings, insomnia, sweats and chills, lightheaded and dizzyness, headaches and just some of the most random off the wall things you can think off. The things that have gone are the nausea and intestinal issues, muscle cramps and spasms, heart palps and chest pain, and most of the headaches. I still have the rest of the symptoms but they have greatly reduced in intensity!! When I first started this, the first few months were probably an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1-10. Now days they are mostly 3-4 with some days being 1 or 2. I have a lot more windows of peace now than when I first started out as well. Def still have bad days where I feel rocked and kicked down, but they are getting to be less in intensity and easier to deal with. I still have the insomnia but when it started I would maybe be able to sleep 1-2 hours without waking up multiple times a night. Now I sleep 5-6 per night straight!! So it has def gotten better!! Yeah, the St. Johns is def an anti depressant but most people will say it's not because it's herbal and sold in the vitamin isle. I wish I had never touched the stuff!!! From the research I've done I found out it is an MAOI which is the same thing as an anti depressant!! I def am still going through the daily struggle as well, but I can tell you for sure, that it does get better!! My days have become so much easier than they were, not sure if it's just that I'm getting better or I've learned to accept and deal with it better, but either way I'm def not suffering like I was. 

[Icip]

@mstimc,

 

Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll look into it!

Right now I’m trying to reduce any stressors, I got wood dust in my face from my Dad’s van yesterday + it freaked me out. It’s getting quite bad - a lot worse than when I was feeling worse!

 

May I ask how your cognition is? I can think, but it doesn’t feel as ‘strongly’ as I could before, like the voice in my head isn’t as loud - this may be a chronic fatigue thing, but it worries me.

[Icip]

@KenA,

 

Similar to me in your symptoms then! Are you functional day to day? I found that for so long I didn’t feel alive, nor real.

Heart palpitations went for me quite early-on, then my heart stopped beating as hard; it’s close to normality now.

 

If you want to talk about anything, or discuss symptoms further, please private message me!

 

Icip.

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Icip said:

@mstimc,

 

May I ask how your cognition is? I can think, but it doesn’t feel as ‘strongly’ as I could before, like the voice in my head isn’t as loud - this may be a chronic fatigue thing, but it worries me.

 

My cognition is fine.  During WD and recovery I struggled but I was able to regain all my cognitive abilities as I improved.  Fatigue definitely reduces cognition--that's why you shouldn't drive when you're tired.

[Icip]

Update:

I’ve been all over the place for the past two weeks, I’ve worsened this through excessive worrying, as well as some which have come as part of the reaction. I’m tired, don’t feel much joy right now + am quite depressed.

I can feel myself becoming more human/normal every day, I’m just now a depressed, emotionless, sad, foggy headed, + staticy visioned human.
 

I just have to keep telling myself that I will get better, and that it isn’t damage.

 

Praying for everyone in need here,

 

Icip.

[mstimc]

I think what you're experiencing is all part of the maddening, frustrating, but ultimately incredibly rewarding recovery process.  Your nervous system was hyper-excited for so long, now its now swung the other way a bit, blunting your emotions and energy.  Its like a pendulum; eventually the arc will become increasingly less extreme and you'll feel more balanced.  You really are making progress!

[Sunnyday]

Hi @Icip !

 

Sorry for such a late reply to your response. I've been on crutches because of an inflammation so have not been by the computer much at all (all is fine though and I'm good now).

 

I can see you've had it rough lately. Since I haven't had similar issues regarding the OCD I can only imagine how it feels, and it sounds very rough. Worrying thoughts in general can feel very real and are often so hard to control unfortunately. Have you ever checked youtube for that? I'm thinking if you're not interested in the typical self help books and that kinda stuff, videos can be easier to digest for some people. Just a thought, I'm not sure how much of that there is for OCD specifically.

 

I hope you'll feel better soon and maybe get one of those nice windows again like you had a while ago. Maybe until then it could help with some distractions if you have some that helps you, so it takes focus away from the withdrawal to some extent.

 

Take care.

[Lncrl]

How are you feeling now lcip? I have gone through this chat, as I developed tinnitus from 3 days of sertraline. I am comforted to know that yourd seems to have improved. It is really getting me down. 

[Icip]

@mstimc,

 

I have noticed that, being erratic for so long, anxious about everything - now I just feel ‘meh’ all the time. I can concentrate + read almost how I used to be able to. I used to feel so weird and disconnected even when trying to read the news; it’s an improvement that I haven’t noticed so overtly until a few minutes ago really. Doesn’t help that I feel like a lump of wood though

[Icip]

@Sunnyday,

 

Hi:) what was the cause of your inflammation if you know? Sounds horrible, I hope you’re doing better. Don’t worry also about being punctual with responses, I am not so much myself.

OCD is fairly common, I think one of the, if not the most common mental ‘illness’ - I’ve read that somewhere but doesn’t sound so plausible given the existence and persistence of GAD + Chronic Depression.

 

I’ve never checked no. When my ocd is ‘stable’ it’s not too bad, I quite enjoy having it. I think it helps me to be considerate, and neat ha. Sometimes it spirals though, of which I’ve had therapy for - I’ve just not had therapy for being in withdrawal.

 

I’ve felt good here and there, not quite as nice as that one window was - my brain fog is definitely easing. Though I still feel quite ‘flat’ emotionally, + I spend a lot of the time not being able to think/imagine things in my head very well - this improves sometimes, but any anxiety or stress whisks it away.

 

Thanks, and nice to see you here,

 

Icip.

[mstimc]

9 minutes ago, Icip said:

@mstimc,

 

I have noticed that, being erratic for so long, anxious about everything - now I just feel ‘meh’ all the time. I can concentrate + read almost how I used to be able to. I used to feel so weird and disconnected even when trying to read the news; it’s an improvement that I haven’t noticed so overtly until a few minutes ago really. Doesn’t help that I feel like a lump of wood though

 

I think that's normal.  Being hyper-sensitized for so long is like running a marathon.  Once you're done you're exhausted and don't feel like doing anything.  You'll get the spark back once your nervous system has a chance to rest.

[Icip]

@Lncrl,

 

Hey! How long have you been going through ‘this’ for? My tinnitus is not nearly as bad as it was before, it still persists, is noticeable if I’m not concentrating on something else, not outside, or not listening to music. It used to sound like I had acid melting my brain away; fizzing.

 

Tinnitus can be scary. I’d recommend staying away from all anxiety-prompts, any stressors, + research Visual Snow Syndrome. While having tinnitus alone doesn’t give you that diagnosis, tinnitus can be caused by the same system - there is a ‘symptom relief’ program headed by the Visual Snow initiative which offers visual therapy.

I tried it for a few days, while not helping with my visual symptoms much (had to stop as had a two-day headache + couldn’t carry on). After that short trial, my tinnitus reduced

[Icip]

UPDATE (This one feels important so the title gets CAPS).

 

Brain fog is easing, I’ve been avoiding things that used to spike my anxiety. Moved into my student home so away a lot of the rubbish I used to be subject to back home.

 

Tinnitus is getting better, it’s quietened down like this before, but I’m hoping it stabilises + this is my new norm. I can forget about it now. Though it still serves as an abject reminder of how much I’ve messed myself up.

 

No joint or muscle pain whatsoever, I’ve said this before, but it used to come back in waves/when had little sleep. I’ve not had it at all, even after having slept for three hours.

 

Dp/dr has improved significantly, walking around my own house feels like I’m actually present compared to last time I was here before going home to my parents pre-lockdown. It comes back still when anxious, or after having exerted myself from walking. But I can catch a break.

 

Stuff that persists.

 

Tinnitus is still there,

 

I feel very flat and uninspiring emotionally, creativity still sucks. I’d still label as problems with my cognition (I’m going to go gluten-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free, to see if I can improve this. Zoloft has mild anti-microbial properties, so I’m hoping that similar to anti-biotic toxicity, I can make some headroom for myself to heal).

 

- Visual problems are just as bad, vision seems low-contrast/dull in dull weather (moreso than normality).

 

- Static persists on walls + most objects, I can forget about it though if I don’t look too closely. Sometimes the static isn’t very noticeable, this is an improvement.
 

- Afterimages seemed to have improved(?) I’m not sure on this one, but I atleast don’t notice them as much.

 

- Double vision still there, Is unnoticeable until it’s looked for/when I’m tired, or have tired eyes.

 

- Memory problems, it’s getting a lot better, but slowly.

 

- Depression, easing, I love being with my friends + I have motivation to do certain things now.

 

- Some days my hearing can be dull, and lose sensitivity. This doesn’t happen often but is weird when it does happen.

 

- I still feel quite shallow as a person, like something is missing from me or my personality (missing a part of my brain), sometimes this is more prevalent, others not so much. It’s getting better atleast as I feel more and more like myself.

 

- Heart ‘jerks’, I had one of these a month or two ago - I was terrified that I’d had a mini heart-attack.

I’ve read since that it’s my ‘vagus nerve’ stabilising, my heart beat used to be very light, fast, and hard to feel at all.

I had one of these ‘jerks’ again two days ago. It feels like one huge beat + feels very uncomfortable. I don’t want to think about what else it could be, I monitor my heart rate + it seems fine otherwise, along with looking at an ECG.

The first time I had this though, after I stopped worrying about it, I started to feel a lot lot better. I’m hoping for the same here too.

 

—

 

I can see that I’m improving in areas, I’m still scared about my vision - it can be almost as bad as it was two months into my reaction sometimes. Tinnitus isn’t so much a bother - it’s just annoying to 24/7 be told that I’m ill.

Brain fog/problems with cognition is all else that worries me - though I can see it’s easing, I can’t help but worry about the unknown.

 

Thank you to everyone keeping up, or commenting on my thread. I hope this can be of help to some, and I thank those who talk me through things. @mstimc, and @Sunnyday, you’ve helped more than I could probably put into words, or even express.

 

There was another symptom that I wanted to list, I can’t remember though. All of my past food-sensitivities have gone! I used to be sensitive to gluten, sugar, and additives. I’ve just eaten half a tub of Ben & Jerry’s n I feel fine. It would have previously conked me out for the following few days. Weird.

[Lncrl]

Good to hear that you are healing, slowly but surely. You are making positive moves. With depression, I find it can be a mammoth task to even take a shower, never mind move house. 

My tinnitus was off the scale 2 nights ago. I hardly slept, which makes everything so much worse. I am keeping a diary of T, to see if I can establish any patterns. I only have it 34 days, but it seems much longer. It has been relatively quiet for a few hours. But I anticipate it will come back loud later. That seems to be the way it hopefully heals. If it improves, I can tolerate it. 

Does anyone else suffer from anxiety? I find that I never seem to be happy, and I resent people doing well. I hate being like this. I hate being an old hag. 

Looking through these forums, it also struck me that my teeth are ground down to half of what they should be. And I'm beginning to realise that the anti depressants that I took years ago may have caused me to grind my teeth. 

[Icip]

@Lncrl,

 

Do you stay up late? That can make the hissing worse. Equally I find that staying up so late so you’re on the verge of passing out helps immensely with sleep - I’ve used that tool a few times.

It’s hormonal, maybe cortisol linked for you? If you have periods where it’s relatively unnoticeable at 34 days out, then you’re already doing better than I.

 

Mine has never kept me up at night (mine sounds like white noise, which I always used to sleep to prior to my reaction), but it’s always been there, and is always there.

 

Yes the resentment is horrible, that will eventually go don’t worry. Personally it’s helped me to grasp just how sh*t most people have it, and how we should never ever hold our own up to theirs, because they’re in most likelihood going through a lot worse than many. Capitalism ey.

Teeth-grinding has been reported whilst on antidepressants by a lot of people. There’s a lot worse that can happen as a result of them though, so as long as it doesn’t affect your quality of life

[Icip]

I got an Apple Watch for my birthday a month ago, solely (kind of) to use its electrocardiogram feature as I’ve had a fast-beating, but slow heart for most of withdrawal.

 

I had a ‘heart jerk’ in late-April, after that, my heartbeat felt a little more like how it used to be. I could feel it again too.

I had this jerk too again two days ago.

 

I used the ECG feature of my watch an hour of so ago.

At the end of each beat, the graph would dip, instead of peak upwards like most Sinus rhythms I’ve seen.

 

Pre-this recent ‘jerk’, it dipped,

After two days ago, peaks, like how a sinus rhythm should present!! It sounds too odd to be true, but that’s only what I’ve noticed.

I’ll try and see if I can add screenshots.

 

BEFORE:

AFTER:

 

I took quite a few ECGs before this latest ‘jerk’, ALL presented as the first did.

 

Now after this latest ‘heart jerk’, they present as the latter does. I’ve taken three and they all follow suit. My heart feels a little different in my chest - a little unstable, it felt like this for a while after the first time that it happened until it stabilised (I presume).

 

Antidepressants are terrifying.

 

Thanks,

 

Icip.

 

EDIT: It almost looks like my heart beat was ‘upside down’, I’m not sure whether this could have been a fault on the technological side of things. The Apple Watch’s ECG is approved by the FDA, so any input on this would be appreciated.

[Icip]

I’ve read that this can be/is caused by abnormal electrical pathways being used to get to the heart. I would have liked to have seen an ECG of my heart rhythm pre-first ‘jerk’.

 

Oh the wonders of modern technology

[Icip]

Weird thing I’ve noticed - water always tastes ‘good’ when you’re dehydrated/have just woken up.

But in those latter scenarios, water tastes very sweet to me. This may be completely normal, though I’ve never had it before + I’ve read it’s because of an excited nervous system.

[Lncrl]

Wow. I never heard about water tasting sweet due to excited nervous system. That is mad. 

My tinnitus is very loud last few days. It woke me up early all weekend. I'm pissed off. 

[Icip]

@Lncrl,

 

Can you hear much through it? Mine has been loud recently, has been more of a ring than a hiss. Though only a week ago, I was hardly hearing it. It will get better, if not soon then your brain will become accustomed to the ‘noise’, it’s as much there as it is in your head, distracting yourself from it actually quietens it’s, you don’t just ‘not notice it’

[Lncrl]

Mine is a hiss, I think. I had a terrible night. Woke at 2.30am. I had TV on, but it overpowers it. I put on a you tube tinnitus sound therapy clip, and eventually got back to sleep. I am so tired. 

I can't go through this for next 30 years. I actually would rather die. This is torture.

I am finding it hard to concentrate on my work. I may have to leave my job, if this doesn't go away. 

People say you'll get used to it, but why should we? It's not fair. 

[Icip]

@Lncrl,

 

No, it isn’t fair. You won’t have to put up with it for very long, read some success stories on the site - almost all have had tinnitus + had it go away

[Icip]

My friend only around 15 minutes minutes ago brought this to the conscious of my brain. Since withdrawal, I’ve developed a hatred for our species, which has only festered Asia I’ve been getting better. The feeling of having my vision/cognition taken away from me, whilst people just breeze through life doing nothing. I’ve had this resentment since Brexit (in the UK) but it’s worsened.

Something designed to ‘help’ the masses, and it’s crippled us. It is sad, but I don’t feel the slightest ounce bad for my bitterness

[Lncrl]

Ha ha. I hope that you are correct!! 

[Lncrl]

2 minutes ago, Icip said:

My friend only around 15 minutes minutes ago brought this to the conscious of my brain. Since withdrawal, I’ve developed a hatred for our species, which has only festered Asia I’ve been getting better. The feeling of having my vision/cognition taken away from me, whilst people just breeze through life doing nothing. I’ve had this resentment since Brexit (in the UK) but it’s worsened.

Something designed to ‘help’ the masses, and it’s crippled us. It is sad, but I don’t feel the slightest ounce bad for my bitterness

Exactly, supposedly designed to help the masses, but only lining the pockets of rich pharmaceuticals. 

We need to get back to natural medicines, the ones the pharmaceuticals cannot patent. 

[Icip]

I’m going to be taking a little while off from using this site, things seem to be going quite slowly + seeing things stagnate isn’t helping. My visual/auditory symptoms are ok some days, then a lot worse on others - this has been the same throughout my reaction, nothing has changed in that department. Dwelling on it makes me feel a lot more down.

 

Thank you, I hope the people following my thread/everyone heals well and fast + thank you to those who have been supportive on my thread; you’ve been more help than I can put into words + I hope to be able to do that for others some day too

[Lncrl]

I wish you good health, and a successful recovery. Good luck! 

[Sunnyday]

On 6/9/2020 at 9:20 PM, Icip said:

@Sunnyday,

 

Hi:) what was the cause of your inflammation if you know? Sounds horrible, I hope you’re doing better.

OCD is fairly common, I think one of the, if not the most common mental ‘illness’ - I’ve read that somewhere but doesn’t sound so plausible given the existence and persistence of GAD + Chronic Depression. 

 

 

I don't know the cause honestly and neither did the doctors. I'm not very active so it was pretty strange. 

I think i finally understand the feeling of worrying about one's health, speaking of that. I'm not sure why but it has come on strong for me the past month or so. I never worried about it in the past. It's a very difficult thing to deal with as I'm sure you know. So with that I mostly wanted to say I'm sorry about you having to deal with the anxiety around that stuff, it can definitely add to the suffering I think, the times it gets out of hand at least. 

 

I hope you are doing okay. It's really good to see you've had some more improvements. The heart jerks sounds uncomfortable though, I can understand that was worrying. I got uncomfortable sensations in my heart as well at times during withdrawal so it probably is pretty common. 

 

I think it's a good idea to take a break from this once in a while. In my opinion we can become too focused on wd by reading and talking about it too much, at times (which is understandable).

 

Hope you can continue to notice more improvements, even if it is slow right now. 

 

Take care. 

[Icip]

@Sunnyday,

 

It’s fear of the unknown, my own health anxiety stems from that I like to know all that is going on in my body, ocd only makes it worse. It’s a dark slippery road to fall down, so I hope you’ve fully recovered physically and in mind. Do you think it might be withdrawal related?

 

I’m trying to ease myself out being in an 'im ill and sad’ mindset - I’m taking breaks from my phone, doing things that I used to enjoy - sometimes to a more limited degree; it’s actually been quite nice.

I have an ECG booked in for the 14th of next month, my heart has been all over the place recently (or so it’s felt), so hopefully it shows something.

 

I’ve gotten very used to my eyesight - it still bothers me, the loss of contrast whilst improved, worries me. But the static isn’t there unless I look for it, same goes for after images (though they do sometimes become bad for a split-second and scare me), I’m not really bothered by my tinnitus anymore - sometimes jet would be nice to be able to hear myself think over it.

 

Right now all I’m worried about is my cognition, I can function fine - but my ability to talk to myself in my head has been affected, it seems quiet + I can’t quite form coherent speech up there, and my creativity is still very much so zapped. Any experience on your inner voice + withdrawal? I read something the other day about our limbic centre taking more control over functions than our cortex through withdrawal, and they gave account of their own inner thoughts being broken, or incoherent, which whilst horrible for them and anyone who has it, it’s relieving to know that I’m not alone.

 

As much as I’d love to take some time off + try to forget about withdrawal, I’m trying to log my symptoms for people who want to see it, and for myself to look back on.

Icip.

[Icip]

Symptoms right now:

 

HPPD/Visual Snow Syndrome,

 

ME (Chronic fatigue//brain fog, tiredness),

 

APD - new one: hearing is desensitised, music sounds loud - but muffled almost, speech recognition has gotten a little iffy recently,

 

DP/DR - has come back,

 

General numbness//anhedonia - I feel very detached + unable to find much joy in external activities.

 

These symptoms, whilst condensed from a previous extensive list, have all flared up in the past few weeks. I’m at the nine month mark, I’m a little scared that things won’t go back to as they were; I simultaneously feel better, whilst worse too.

I love listening to music, I spend around 60% of my day doing so whilst doing other menial and allowing tasks, so this hasn’t been so nice - I’m constantly comparing how different songs act on my emotions now, versus a few months ago/prior to my reaction.

[KenA]

@Icip

Sorry to hear that your symptoms have been flaring back up, I'm in month 10 myself, and have noticed my symptoms flared back up this month as well. For month 9, I had a mostly overall good month, with many days of minimal symptoms and some really nice windows. For the last couple of weeks, I have def been having some really strong healing taking place for sure. What a roller coaster ride this is for sure! But I did notice that as my insomnia has gotten better and better, I've been sleeping more. Someone told me that once your sleep starts returning it allows your brain to do more healing and that is why the symptoms get stronger. I'm just hanging on for the ride knowing that one day this will all be over. One day we will be able to look back at this and know that we are survivors and just think how much stronger we will be because of it!! Stay strong my friend!! We've got this!!

 

[keogh08]

Hi icip 

 

I can see you also had an adverse reaction to a small amount of doses, I did too and am almost 10 months out. Strange thing also is that month 9 was a good month and month 10 I have had a flare up of symptoms but I generally feel better in myself which is odd given the flare up. 

 

I see you mention your inner voice, for me this is the opposite of what you are experiencing. I am in my head far to much with my inner voice if this makes sense. 

 

Since my reaction I spend hours and hours talking in my head which I refer to as my inner voice. 

 

I really hope this goes away in time and a more normal thinking pattern can return. As this is the one symptom that bothers me and reminds me how sick I am from this whole ordeal. 

[Sunnyday]

On 6/28/2020 at 6:05 AM, Icip said:

@Sunnyday,

 

It’s fear of the unknown, my own health anxiety stems from that I like to know all that is going on in my body, ocd only makes it worse. It’s a dark slippery road to fall down, so I hope you’ve fully recovered physically and in mind. Do you think it might be withdrawal related?

 

I’m trying to ease myself out being in an 'im ill and sad’ mindset - I’m taking breaks from my phone, doing things that I used to enjoy - sometimes to a more limited degree; it’s actually been quite nice.

I have an ECG booked in for the 14th of next month, my heart has been all over the place recently (or so it’s felt), so hopefully it shows something.

 

I’ve gotten very used to my eyesight - it still bothers me, the loss of contrast whilst improved, worries me. But the static isn’t there unless I look for it, same goes for after images (though they do sometimes become bad for a split-second and scare me), I’m not really bothered by my tinnitus anymore - sometimes jet would be nice to be able to hear myself think over it.

 

Right now all I’m worried about is my cognition, I can function fine - but my ability to talk to myself in my head has been affected, it seems quiet + I can’t quite form coherent speech up there, and my creativity is still very much so zapped. Any experience on your inner voice + withdrawal? I read something the other day about our limbic centre taking more control over functions than our cortex through withdrawal, and they gave account of their own inner thoughts being broken, or incoherent, which whilst horrible for them and anyone who has it, it’s relieving to know that I’m not alone.

 

As much as I’d love to take some time off + try to forget about withdrawal, I’m trying to log my symptoms for people who want to see it, and for myself to look back on.

Icip.

 

Hi @Icip . Yes that makes sense. I wrote down reminders to calm myself down at times like "accept the uncertainty", "what happens happens" and so on.
I don't think it's withdrawal anymore, but definitely a result from my health having been so run down by the withdrawal and I'm guessing my health is still improving. But I did feel really well  up until this.
I'm not sure the reason for the worry. The only reason I can think of is that it's a sign of actually wanting to stay alive now, which I didn't care much for in the past.

 

It sounds very healthy to take breaks from the phone along with doing things you like, everyone would probably benefit from doing that a bit more often. And even to do it during the anhedonia if you are able. I'm sorry to hear you feel worse in some ways, unfortunately it is typical for this process. Sometimes we take a few steps back, but eventually forward again. 

 

I hope the ECG can give/did give you some peace of mind. 

 

It sounds very frustrating and I think I did have something like that. It was very hard to have long talks in my head, as if I couldn't keep my focus long enough to do it, I just kind of lost it halfway through. I feel like that was also connected to me losing my train of thought which happened at least three times a day, it felt pretty embarrassing at times when talking to people. Other times there was complete chaos up in my head. It felt like a bunch of inner voices at the same time talking over each other along with a lot of anxiety.
This was one reason I started to write down my thoughts no matter how incomprehensible they felt. It gave a feeling of making them more concrete and easy to understand.
I still lose my train of thought once in a while in conversation but apart from that it's back to normal and I can focus well, so I definitely think eventually that will also go away for you. 

 

I understand wanting to keep a record of your symptoms, it's a good thing to do. 

 

I hope you're managing okay at the moment and that you'll feel some improvements again soon. Don't feel forced to respond to my wall of text by the way, haha. 

Take care.