☼ Rhiannon's intro (by Rhi)

[Karma]

Rhi,

 

I'll be anxiously awaiting updates on how it goes. I think neurontin will be my last taper ... but we'll see how it works for you and maybe I'll move that plan up.

 

Karma

[Nikki]

Good for you. Great news. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and lots of hugs from all of us. When I got off paxil it was like a surreal feeling...I could not believe it.

 

Hugs

[Rhiannon]

aw, thanks!

 

It's still okay today. Still nervous about if the stuff is going to hit the whirly thing soon. One day at a time I guess. A little symptomatic but so far no worse than I've been during my taper.

 

Keep sendin the good vibrations...

[Jemima]

Consider the good vibes sent! Glad to hear it's going well.

[Skyler]

aw, thanks!

 

It's still okay today. Still nervous about if the stuff is going to hit the whirly thing soon. One day at a time I guess. A little symptomatic but so far no worse than I've been during my taper.

 

Keep sendin the good vibrations...

 

A Hearty Congratulations! TurTLes RuLe.

[Altostrata]

I just made a huge jump from .11mg lamotrigine to .06mg -- a decrease of a whole .05mg. I was having an adverse reaction, arrhythmia, to that tiny amount.

 

I've been decreasing by .01mg. I'm feeling a tad woozy from my huge decrease, but that's all -- cross fingers for me.

[Rhiannon]

I just made a huge jump from .11mg lamotrigine to .06mg -- a decrease of a whole .05mg. I was having an adverse reaction, arrhythmia, to that tiny amount.

 

I've been decreasing by .01mg. I'm feeling a tad woozy from my huge decrease, but that's all -- cross fingers for me.

 

Consider fingers crossed! Amazing how much effect Lamictal has at even tiny doses. That's a big relative drop, but you've been tapering carefully, so fingers crossed for minimal and short withdrawal reaction. Hang in there.

 

My withdrawal from Neurontin is a tad bumpy, nothing major. I upped my Valium from 1.8 to 1.84 temporarily to help cover the agitation and insomnia. But after three days now I think I can safely say that I'm not going to crash and burn into severe depression and complete instability and hell like I did when I tried to CT off 1200 mg in 2009.

 

I know it's logical that I shouldn't expect to have such a hard time after my slow taper, but there's always this fear, PTSD I guess, after something like that. So I'm--well, still somewhat hesitantly, but beginning, anyway--starting to relax and breathe.

[Skyler]

I just made a huge jump from .11mg lamotrigine to .06mg -- a decrease of a whole .05mg. I was having an adverse reaction, arrhythmia, to that tiny amount.

 

I've been decreasing by .01mg. I'm feeling a tad woozy from my huge decrease, but that's all -- cross fingers for me.

 

A milestone. Near to zero hour. Sorry to hear you were having arrhythmia from it though, this stuff is the Devil's brew, no mistaking. Will look forward to the next report.

[Rhiannon]

Actually I think I'm doing better with the withdrawal than I thought. Apparently I have salmonella. Fun stuff.

 

Feeling great about how withdrawal is going, though! Just a few short breakthrough bouts of neuro-emotion and hot flashes yesterday; the dizziness is already gone. I think what I had hoped for is happening: just stepping off the last bit of the drug just like any step in the taper. And done.

 

We'll see, anyway...fingers still crossed.

[alexjuice]

I just made a huge jump from .11mg lamotrigine to .06mg -- a decrease of a whole .05mg. I was having an adverse reaction, arrhythmia, to that tiny amount.

 

I've been decreasing by .01mg. I'm feeling a tad woozy from my huge decrease, but that's all -- cross fingers for me.

 

Consider them crossed, Alto.

 

That is a large drop considering your previous cut-rate. One advantage you have is that you understand why the w/d might happen. I think this gives you a leg up -- basically being a patient-expert in lamotrigine tapering. If you are feeling nervous, it is understable. We all have reason to be fearful after our experiences.

 

I hope you focus, if possible, on everything you've learned over these many years and how well prepared you are to make it through this now. Understanding where the symptoms come from alleviates some, at least, of the discomfort. Many unfortunate first-timers simply think they are going insane or overreacting or that they really did need the drugs.

 

You know better. And I know you can do it. You've come this far and I can't see you being turned away now.

 

Let us know how it progresses... You've given so much support, there are many here who will be there for you if needbe. Including me.

 

best,

Alex

[alexjuice]

Actually I think I'm doing better with the withdrawal than I thought. Apparently I have salmonella. Fun stuff.

 

Feeling great about how withdrawal is going, though! Just a few short breakthrough bouts of neuro-emotion and hot flashes yesterday; the dizziness is already gone. I think what I had hoped for is happening: just stepping off the last bit of the drug just like any step in the taper. And done.

 

We'll see, anyway...fingers still crossed.

 

Terrific news at the start, except the salmonella of course.

 

I will keep my fingers crossed. I will also send some serious good vibes to the northwest.

 

Still, really happy to hear that you're off to a good start. That's great. One day at a time and pretty soon neurontin will be nothing but a diminishing blip in your rear view mirror.

 

Go Rhi!

[Skyler]

Actually I think I'm doing better with the withdrawal than I thought. Apparently I have salmonella. Fun stuff.

 

Feeling great about how withdrawal is going, though! Just a few short breakthrough bouts of neuro-emotion and hot flashes yesterday; the dizziness is already gone. I think what I had hoped for is happening: just stepping off the last bit of the drug just like any step in the taper. And done.

 

We'll see, anyway...fingers still crossed.

 

I will be watching. Be well.. you are an inspiration!

[Altostrata]

Salmonella, yuck! Fast healing to you, Rhi.

 

I seem to be doing okay with my huge drop. Talked to my doc today, he's says we're getting close to the finish line. I expect to be down to .04mg in a couple of weeks -- then....maybe zero!!!!

[shebop]

 

I know I need to introduce myself and tell you my story. But I am so sick of my story. It was so long and so painful to live through, and it's long and painful to tell, and probably tedious to read.

...

 

--Rhiannon

 

I'm glad to hear your story. Goodness, my heart goes out to you for everything that you've suffered.

 

Like you, I've come to a realization about who I am and who I am on Drugs. I have decided that I am not going to waste my remaining energy looking back, but I still have a lot of feelings that will probably take years to go away. I did crazy things and used drugs and behaved inappropriately. There were consequences for this. These were things that I did as a result of compulsions that I never experienced before Drugs and that I no longer experience off of ADs/atypicals. (I am still on benzodiazepines, of course.)

 

I was sent to rehab several times, mainly for alcohol abuse. Once I got off the antidepressant/antipsychotics, I discovered that I +could+ drink normally. I noticed that alcohol didnt affect me in the same way. It was crazy. I know what it's like to be an alcoholic, to crave euphoria from alcohol because I was an alcoholic. Thus if I drank one drink, I would drink to drunk.

 

Once I got off ADs, I did drink. And it was like I was 17 again. There was no euphoria. I drank about 20 times having less than two drinks on each occasion, with one exception. At first, I was just trying my old alcoholic coping mechanism for dealing with the w/d. Only the alcohol didn't work anymore. I didn't get euphoric, in fact, I didn't even like it. So then I drank for a few months just to see if the effect was real. And it was. I no longer had a compulsion to get drunk. In fact, I had trouble finishing drinks as I didn't care for the effects.

 

After a while I had proved my point to my satisfaction so I stopped drinking alcohol. Once I started to become educated about the truth, I realized that alcohol could do nothing to help. I decided that even if I could have a drink, it does me no good to do so. It has now been almost a year since my last drink (and two years since my last drug).

 

The wreckage that I caused went beyond the consequences of substance abuse. My mind betrayed me. I had horrible thoughts and compulsions. I experienced so much guilt about things that I thought or images that popped into my mind. My life was a trauma...

 

But, it took me a long time to realize what you've realized, it WAS NOT ME. Today, all of the recklessness doesn't happen. All of the BS that defined my life for so long... It's gone. And it makes sense, because I'm today so much more like I was as a 17/18 yr old. I am so much more the person I was before I started taking these medications.

 

But my finances, relationships, reputation, health have been destroyed. And it wasn't even me. It was this person in my body, but with a different brain.

 

You are exactly right to see this. You are who you are. You're not crap you did when you were on Drugs that completely alter your brain function.

 

You can get back to you!

 

Alex.I

 

All I can say about both your story, Rhi and this response, Alex, is wow. You both have been through so much and are so strong! I wish I could be more eloquent than that...

[Nikki]

Thank you for telling us your story. It meant alot. Wow....you are a very strong person. I love when you post.

 

You climbed back, Bless your heart. You endured so much. I don't think any of us wants a 'story', I can't stand mine anymore.

 

I too have just recently started to have the Aha moment. This time around the Celexa did me in. Chronic anxiety. I think alot of it has to do with the drug/drugs.

 

Thanks for sharing this point with us.

 

Hugs

[Rhiannon]

Thank you for telling us your story. It meant alot. Wow....you are a very strong person. I love when you post.

 

You climbed back, Bless your heart. You endured so much. I don't think any of us wants a 'story', I can't stand mine anymore.

 

I too have just recently started to have the Aha moment. This time around the Celexa did me in. Chronic anxiety. I think alot of it has to do with the drug/drugs.

 

Thanks for sharing this point with us.

 

Hugs

 

I had forgotten that I'd said I could do it as a graphic novel. Actually that's not a bad idea. Might be easier to get across some of what it's like, how those drugs change you.

 

The thing I'm having the most trouble with these days is a mountain of grief about my daughters, especially my youngest. During her teenage years I was not only not there for her, I was crazy and delusional, and--during those years when what she really needed was guidance and support--she had a mother who was crazy and dragged her through all kinds of hell. She must have been so lonely and so confused. Her father was always emotionally abusive, so he was no help. I can't describe the depth of my grief about that. I will have to carry it with me for the rest of my life, of course, but what is so much worse is that SHE will carry it with her for the rest of HER life too. Those years are so important, so influential in a person's life. "Agony" is the best word to describe my feelings about that.

 

I just needed to say that. She and I have talked about it a little but she mostly doesn't want to talk about it. Now she mostly wants to talk about herself today and her life and what she's doing now, and she wants me to act like a mother, which thank Goddess I can finally do. And I do. With both of my daughters. I know it doesn't fix the past, but at least they have a Mom now.

[Altostrata]

That makes a huge difference, Rhi. As their own lives unfold and they make mistakes, I'm sure they'll learn to understand what happened.

[Skyler]

I just needed to say that. She and I have talked about it a little but she mostly doesn't want to talk about it. Now she mostly wants to talk about herself today and her life and what she's doing now, and she wants me to act like a mother, which thank Goddess I can finally do. And I do. With both of my daughters. I know it doesn't fix the past, but at least they have a Mom now.

 

Hi Rhi, you have set an example by being open and honest. While you of course wish the whole saga had never happened, your ability to be honest about your mistakes is also something they will carry with them.~S

[Barbarannamated]

{{{HUGS}}}

[Nikki]

How are you on both fronts ~ the neurontin and the salmonella?

 

Alto such good news!

[Altostrata]

Well, it wasn't as smooth a drop as I thought it would be -- on the fourth day it became quite rocky, and I was ill for a few days. But I did finally stabilize, thank the stars.

 

From now on, I'm going to be much more gradual.

 

Hope your salmonella didn't outstay its welcome, Rhi!

[xDebbiejo]

Wow Rhi

Just read your story!

 

Strong lady!!

 

Love and light as Karme says

 

Xxxxxx

[xDebbiejo]

Karma I meant lol x

[Rhiannon]

:-)

 

Got over the salmonella pretty fast, actually. I think maybe all those friendly bacteria from my GAPS fermented veggies helped.

 

The Neurontin withdrawal seems to be pretty smooth. Subtle effects but nothing major. Definitely some memory effects, like occasional intrusive memories, but that's not surprising given how Neurontin affected my memory when I was taking it. I'm sure my CNS will be adjusting for a while, but I was down to such tiny doses it looks like it's not going to be a big shock. Neurontin always has been the easiest to taper anyway.

 

I made some cuts in my other meds, though, and I'm feeling THOSE now. I had to hold the other meds for so long this spring due to a couple of trips plus the end of the Neurontin taper, I was feeling really frustrated and angry at them (the meds--I'm always angry at the meds). So I made some small cuts. Normal cuts for me. Just the usual kind of thing. And now I'm having cortisol mornings and the usual crankiness and disorganization and agoraphobia. But nothing new. Just the same old long slog.

 

In other words, doing okay, grumble grumble, still crawling along.

[Rhiannon]

Ish, spoke to soon. It seems to be hitting harder. Still tolerable, though. I can work and pay my bills, which is the bottom line. Think I may need to take it easier and hermit up for a bit though.

[Skyler]

Well, it wasn't as smooth a drop as I thought it would be -- on the fourth day it became quite rocky, and I was ill for a few days. But I did finally stabilize, thank the stars.

 

From now on, I'm going to be much more gradual.

 

Hope your salmonella didn't outstay its welcome, Rhi!

 

Hi Alostrata.. you need your own thread so we can keep up with you! I hope you are feeling better and stabilized from the drop above. Let us know as you progress. Any update or are you holding. ~S

[Nikki]

Hi Rhi...In spite of your WD you always manage to look at it as just WD. It amazes me.

In the mornings when I have the "A" word (anxiety). I think and feel as if my world will cave and I will never have the life I am seeking...I swear it's like this almost every morning.

 

You take is much lighter....What is your Secret?

 

Hugs

[Altostrata]

Hi Alostrata.. you need your own thread so we can keep up with you! I hope you are feeling better and stabilized from the drop above. Let us know as you progress. Any update or are you holding. ~S

 

Thanks, Schuyler.

 

I'm now at .09mg lamotrigine, taking .03mg in the a.m. and .06mg in the evening. Yes, you read that right -- 9 hundredths of a milligram.

 

The .06mg in the evening helps me sleep. The plan is to go down by .01mg every 4-5 days. I feel those decreases -- some wooziness for half a day or so. Problem is, when I reduce the morning dose, it affects the "coverage" in the evening dose and I may not be able to sleep.

 

So it's still going to be a balancing act, right down to the end.

[Skyler]

I'm now at .09mg lamotrigine, taking .03mg in the a.m. and .06mg in the evening. Yes, you read that right -- 9 hundredths of a milligram.

 

The .06mg in the evening helps me sleep. The plan is to go down by .01mg every 4-5 days. I feel those decreases -- some wooziness for half a day or so. Problem is, when I reduce the morning dose, it affects the "coverage" in the evening dose and I may not be able to sleep.

 

So it's still going to be a balancing act, right down to the end.

 

Heheheeee, Okayy. You gonna have a celebration when you graduate?? We invited???

 

[Altostrata]

I hope it will be grounds for a party!

[Skyler]

I hope it will be grounds for a party!

 

So so we all. You have done as good a 'Pay it Forward' as I've seen, so maybe it's time for an Alto Payout. To be continued

[Shanti]

Oh, I'm late in finding this thread! Sending you both lots of good vibes too.

[tezza]

I'm chiming in late, too, but so happy for you both. I'm sending BIG HUGS and lots of pats on the backs of two of the finest folks I've ever had the honor and privalige of meeting. Thanks to you two for all the support y'all give. We love you both!

 

Love,

Tezza

[Nikki]

Bless your heart darlin'

 

Thanks for everything you've done...

 

Lots of Hugs

[Nikki]

Hi Rhi...how's it going?

 

Hugs

[Rhiannon]

Hi Rhi...In spite of your WD you always manage to look at it as just WD. It amazes me.

In the mornings when I have the "A" word (anxiety). I think and feel as if my world will cave and I will never have the life I am seeking...I swear it's like this almost every morning.

 

You take is much lighter....What is your Secret?

 

Hugs

 

No secret, I think mine just isn't as bad as yours.

 

I think I have bouts almost every day though where I feel and think I will never have the life I'm seeking. In fact I would say it's more rare to have those blessed moments when I get the glimpse that my life might actually be kind of okay or even good, someday. Had one last night after going to a house concert--it was lovely. Like a window opened in my mind and I was able to see that there may be some good times ahead for me.

 

Of course, that was at night, and this morning it's morning again and I only got six hours of sleep and I feel like crap and I have to go to work soon. Sigh...

 

The most obnoxious Neurontin withdrawal has faded but I'm still having trouble with over-excitability (anxiety, oversensitivity to sensory stimulation, insomnia). Not helped by a bully at work deciding it's my turn to be his target (again). I'm going to start looking for a new job, which will mean relocating, which in the long run will probably be a good thing, but the stress doesn't help with the withdrawal, for sure, or vice versa.

 

Still I have to say the silver lining is, not a day goes by that I'm not glad I'm off the Neurontin at last.

 

Holding my taper now. My daughter's getting married on July 12th so I'm going to hold at least until then. Sigh...I hate holding, I'm so bad at it...