FirstStepFaith: intellectualizer extaordinaire

[FirstStepFaith]

I’ve come to this website a lot recently, for information and suggestions, and sometimes just for validation that I’m not alone and that what I’m experiencing makes sense for my situation. I started writing out my story, mainly because the more I imagined myself doing it, the more I felt it might give me some sense of catharsis. Intellectualizing is my default coping (or defense) mechanism which is pretty apparent if you can read this whole thing I think. I’ve struggled with allowing myself to be vulnerable for pretty much my entire life, and this time around I’m learning more and more how much my using psychiatric medication was just a part of that. I don’t blame myself, or anyone else, I just grew up in a world where it wasn’t safe for me to be vulnerable. I wasn’t beaten or anything (although I did get a good spanking from time to time, who didnt?) but I don’t really recall any instances of my emotional experiences being validated, or even really fully acknowledged at all. Except when I was in unbearable distress. 

 

I started having panic attacks when I was very young. The first time I remember having something close to a panic attack was after I saw a fire safety video at school when I was in kindergarten. The clip was meant to illustrate why kids shouldn’t go into places with only one entrance or exit. They showed a little girl crouching in a closet clutching her teddy bear, terrified, as the flames approached the closet door. I was so scared that night, I climbed out my bedroom window and tried to get in to our family’s van and sleep there. My mother heard me, and came out to get me and led me back to bed. Around two years after this, my great-great grandmother passed away at 101 years old. My seven-year-old brain had little to no conceptualization about death, and my imagination ran away with all of the terrifying possibilities. My first real memory of a full-on panic attack (although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time of course) was at this time. My two sisters and I were waiting in the van for our mom, who was still inside the house. I just remember feeling overwhelmed by the uncertainty, the finality of death and ran back inside to my mom, hysterically crying, and saying that I didn’t want to do what my grandmother had. 

 

I don’t remember how long the panic attacks lasted when I was a kid, but I remember them coming back when I was a late teen. Regardless of where I was at in life, my panic ALWAYS (and still does occasionally) manifests around this sense of existential dread. My senior year of high school was an awful year for me for a lot of reasons, there were a million and one obvious stressors (at least in hindsight), but my panic attacks started coming back. Being seventeen at the time, I can’t remember whose idea it was to go on medication, but I’m guessing it was my mother’s. She had been on antidepressants before, and now looking back there are some pretty obvious signs of mental health issues too. Regardless, I started on a medication. I can’t recall which one for sure, I remember I started on zoloft but I was taken off it quickly because my mom said I was “moody.” A moody seventeen year old, who would have thought? I was on the medication for a little less than two years and then came off (not sure how I did it) because I was going on a trip to Europe and was concerned about the interactions with alcohol. Around six months after this, my anxiety symptoms came back, a thousand times worse than they had ever been previously. Panic attacks were more intense and lasted longer, my generalized anxiety was pretty much a constant, there were days that I couldn’t get myself together enough to go to school or work or anything. More situational stressors that made a lot of sense as to why I was feeling anxious, but again, I didn't really have the emotional intelligence to understand this. At this time, I went back on meds, cymbalta this time, and when I did I said I felt like “the clouds had lifted.” I was also given xanax 1mg PRN but I can’t recall a time that I used that more than once in a blue moon. About two years later, my insurance formulary changed and I couldn't get cymbalta anymore, so I was switched to effexor because I was told it had a similar profile. I started having some weird side effects and my anxiety was coming back, so instead of going to my family doctor as I always had, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time. He prescribed paxil (can’t remember the doses anymore) which I stayed on for around a year before I tried coming off the medication; again, not sure how I tapered if at all. I felt like I had been doing a pretty good job of managing my anxiety and had a good handle on my coping skills at the time. Naturally, the anxiety and panic attacks came back, I would guess probably within six months, and I re-started the meds.

 

I went through this same cycle again around three years later. I had finished my masters in counseling psychology (go figure), was working at a job I enjoyed, and I felt like I was ready to give it another go, not to mention some crazy side effects I was having. At some point around here I switched from paxil to celexa but I can’t recall when or even why anymore. Meds, doses, all of it is a depressing blur of background noise when I think back on it. This time, I was around 26 and was shocked at how much more emotion I felt after coming off the meds. I was a little terrified to be quite honest at how much of a difference I noticed in myself and this is really what set off for me truly wanting to know myself off medication. The cycle re-started and the anxiety reared its ugly head a few months later, so the medication was re-started and changed to lexapro by my PCP. That was what I was on most recently, lexapro 20 mg for the better part of the last four or five years. One of the first times I tried coming off of it, I was given klonopin for sleep, .5-1mg prn for sleep because that seems to be the first thing to go in my withdrawal but I hardly ever used it when I was on the lexapro.

 

After all these attempts, my mom, and even a part of myself were starting to believe that whole narrative of “you’re just chemically imbalanced” and “some people will just need meds the rest of their lives” but I’m not sure I ever fully bought in to that. Around this time last year, I read an article about one of the founders of the Inner Compass Initiative, which if you haven’t seen it is an amazing resource for preparing for and coping with withdrawal. What that article said to me though, is that I might not be “chemically imbalanced” or reliant on medication, and that there might actually be more going on than what I or any of my trusted doctors even realized. It gave me some hope that I can be off medication without experiencing debilitating anxiety and panic and that it wasn’t just my inability to cope. That I just didn’t really understand or appreciate the full impact of what was going on in my brain and what it needed to heal. More than anything though, it strengthened my resolve that I can and should give myself a real, fighting chance to get to know the real me.

 

Fast forward about five or six years to today. I am on my third attempt at coming off lexapro, for good. I was lazy about my taper, I cut my 20mg tablets in half for four months and then in to quarters for another six months or so. That part was pretty painless. I noticed my emotions coming back with more intensity but fortunately two years of solid yoga practice helped me manage that. I took my last dose in early October. A couple weeks later, I had what I thought was an exacerbation of my asthma, but there weren’t any physical signs of this. I had another experience just like this one about two months later, but at this time, I started to think maybe it had more to do with my anxiety than anything else. Having made that connection has helped me to manage that more effectively. I still have a hard time with air hunger from time-to-time, but mindfulness practices help. My sleep has been a struggle at times. I’ve noticed that since December, I can’t really drink or use marijuana without it completely wrecking my sleep cycle for days afterwards. That’s happened two or three times now. Most of those times I’ve taken .5mg of klonopin for one night and that seems to be enough to re-set my cycle but I’m off substances for a while now to try and give my brain a chance to heal. I know taking another controlled substance isn’t ideal or even probably considered withdrawal, and I’m definitely having some mixed feelings about it myself. It’s a big reason why I haven’t drank in weeks, because I don't want to have to take the chance.  Last night though I had my first panic attack in about two years. I woke up from a dead sleep in the middle of the night, I think it was a cortisol spike but I’m not sure why or at least I wasn't feeling acutely or even consciously anxious before I went to bed. That’s usually when my panic attacks have happened in the past, when I’m asleep, so that’s not surprising. It is a little scary to me though that four months after my last dose my panic just pops back up like that out of nowhere. I guess it makes sense, I have a nasty upper respiratory infection at the moment, I’m leaving for a short trip on Wednesday, and then I start a new job on Monday, so lots of work for my brain. All-in-all I read some of the stories here and realize that I’m lucky in a lot of ways, but I also know that I’m still fairly early in this process and who knows what’s in the future for me.

 

My anxious brain is telling me that this whole narrative I wrote is too long, that no one will read it, that it won’t matter, etc. I’m choosing to remain open to other possibilities in that regard, but even if those things do turn out to be true, I feel compelled to put this out in the universe for my own self. Because at the end of the day, that’s what’s so scary for me about being vulnerable, that I won’t have my needs met or be validated. But the reality is that we’re all just out here fighting our own good fight. If the worst case is that everyone else is choosing to use their own energy to focus on their own fight, that’s an outcome I can live with today. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to find the messages and energy I need on this site so I can only hope that I could do the same for someone else in some small way, even if I never find out about it. The last thing is the quote that I derived my name from, it's by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and has been a sort of lighthouse for me throughout this long convoluted process so I hope someone else can find some hope in it too.

 

“Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by ChessieCat
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[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, FirstStepFaith.

 

The "chemical imbalance" hypothesis was created out of whole cloth by the drug companies and today even psychiatrists (knowledge ones) disavow it with embarrassment.

Again, chemical imbalance is a myth. Stop the lies, please ...

Let me see if I undertstand your tapering schedule correctly.  Please fill in the ? with your information.

 

DATE?  Cut 20mg in half for 4 months--10mg

DATE?  Cut 20mg in quarters for 6 months--5mg

DATE? You dropped to zero from 5mg, if I'm reading you correctly.

 

We recommend tapering by no more than 10% of current dose every four weeks. Your taper was very fast.

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Often there is a honeymoon period after going off these drugs, but then withdrawal can hit around the 3 month mark  That sounds like what has happened with you at the 4 month point.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

I don't know if you want to consider reinstating a very small dose of Lexapro.  From your post, you sound like you're doing okay so maybe not.  FYI, reinstatement is the only known way to alleviate withdrawal.  So you're fully informed on your options, please read:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms. -- at least the first page of the topic

 

If you're interested in reinstating a small dose of Lexaprom please let us know and we can suggest a dose.   Please do not reinstate without letting us suggest a dosage.

 

Sleep disturbance is one of the most common symptoms of withdrawal.  Here are some tips regarding sleep:

 

Tips to help sleep - so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

Relaxation exercises, guided meditations, calming videos, sleep hypnosi

 

Tricks and tips to fall asleep faster

 

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2017/02/16/tips-tricks-fall-asleep-faster.aspx?utm_source=dnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art1&utm_campaign=20170216Z1&et_cid=DM133787&et_rid=18897489

 

This link contains helpful information, including insomnia and also non-drug coping skills.  

 

mportant topics about symptoms, including sleep problem

 

Some members have found Melatonin helpful with insomnia.  

 

See Melatonin for sleep   It's best to start at a very low dosage, such as .25mg, and gradually increase if needed to the lowest effective dose.  

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium (glycerinate is a good form) and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

We recommend abstaining from alcohol and marijuana during withdrawal, a time when the central nervous system is very, very sensitive.

 

I'm sorry about your respiratory infection.  Good luck on your new job.

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[FirstStepFaith]

Thanks for the resources. I'm just recently realizing how extensive this subject is and how much stuff there is to learn, I'll check this out. 

 

All things considered, I'm honestly doing fairly well at this point I think in terms of WD symptoms, but I've also felt that way in the past and ended up going back on my meds a short while later. I have my moments with my mood, but I'm managing it. My breathing is ok, and my sleep is much better since I cut out the intoxicants. Huge fan of weighted blankets  

 

50 minutes ago, Gridley said:

DATE?  Cut 20mg in half for 4 months--10mg

DATE?  Cut 20mg in quarters for 6 months--5mg

DATE? You dropped to zero from 5mg, if I'm reading you correctly.

I honestly wish I knew the dates when I cut down each dose but I genuinely have no more than a rough estimate. I think I went from 10 to 5 in/around April 2019, 20 to 10 around January or February 2019.

 

I had some, but not enough of an idea of how important it was to track that sort of thing, not to mention an understanding of how slow a "slow" taper is. Since I've started learning more, and noticing more of withdrawal signs I did start to realize what I should have done to taper but I'm four months in and I'm not sure if it's better to go back on or to wait. In the past, things tend to go from zero to sixty very quickly, so that's a little scary, but part of my spiritual recovery here too is also trying to keep an open mind and not create suffering for myself by anticipating it before its here. All this to say, I don' think I'm at the point yet that I'd like to go back on my meds but I'll definitely check back in for a recommended dose if it comes to it. 

[Gridley]

3 minutes ago, FirstStepFaith said:

I don' think I'm at the point yet that I'd like to go back on my meds

That sounds fine.  I'd agree.  

 

Keep in contact as feels comfortable.  We'e happy to help you in any way we can.

[FindRest]

5 hours ago, FirstStepFaith said:

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

FSF, thank you for this quote. Just what I needed today! 
 

Panic isn’t any fun, as you already know. I hope you continue sharing and that you find the resources here of great help. You are not alone.

[FirstStepFaith]

Reinstatement

 

Hi all,

I'm having a hard time writing this. I stopped my lexapro after what I didn't realize was a fast taper in October 2019, and with a few minor issues have more or less been in the realm of good or able to cope with what's happening. In the last week I feel like I have completely spiraled out of control. I have been averaging about 6 hours of sleep a night but it's less and less every day. I'm on four and a half hours right now. I have very intense, inescapable anxiety around my breathing, which has been shallow my whole life. I also smoked a little thc yesterday which was super unhelpful, although I had been dabbling in lower doses lately with no issue. I even took .5mg klonopin for the first time in 6 or 7 months and I still didn't sleep. 

 

I very much think I need to reinstate my lexapro but I'm not sure which dose to use. I currently have at home vistaril 25mg and klonopin 1mg tabs, as well as buspar (took it twice, can't even remember the dose) and I fully intend to take something when I get home in a couple hours(traveling). I took 15mg CBD which helped with my breathing anxiety but its only barely taken the edge off. I'm having a hard time accepting going back on meds but right now I'm curled up in a ball trembling.

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by ChessieCat
added topic title

[FirstStepFaith]

Replying here also because @Gridleyhad mentioned reinstating before but I wasn't quite there.

 

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by ChessieCat
removed quote - post moved to intro topic

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, FirstStepFaith said:

reinstating

 

Please post here in this topic rather than the new topic you opened today.  To keep all your information in one place,  each member has only one Introduction topic, and yours is here.

 

Based on your earlier post here and today's post, your tapering schedule was as follows:

 

January or February, 2019 -- drop from 20mg Lexapro to 10mg

April, 2019                            -- drop from 10mg to 5mg

October, 2019                      -- drop from 5mg to zero

 

Based on your information, it has now been 9 months since your last dose of Lexapro.  Reinstatement works most predictably within three months of last dose.  It possible that reinstatement at this point could work, but it's risky and could make things worse.  If you do decide to reinstate, I would recommend reinstating 0.5mg (1/2mg) Lexapro--no more.  These drugs are strong, your system is sensitive and has gotten accustomed to not having the drug.  Too much of the drug could cause an adverse reaction (be like poison to your system).

 

The following link explains how to get this small dose.

 

Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

 

As it says in the link, you have four options:

1. Have your dose compounded at a compounding pharmacy.   You'd need a prescriptions and compounding can be expensive.

2. Get a prescription for liquid Lexapro.  This is probably the best approach if your doctor will give you a prescription.

3. Weigh your dose using a digital scale  This will also work.

4. Make your own liquid Lexapro from tablets.  The link explains how to do this.

 

One method that won't work is cutting your 20mg tablets to try to get your dose.  There's no way you could get an accurate or consistent dose.  

 

I would strongly recommend you not smoke any more THC.  Very likely some if not much of your destabilization is the result of smoking THC.

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

Please keep us updated on what you decide to do.

 

Edited July 19, 2020 by Gridley

[ChessieCat]

I've moved the post that Gridley quoted (and responded to) to your introduction topic.  This keeps your history in one place.  Only 1 introduction topic per member.

[FirstStepFaith]

Hi y'all,

Happy to report I am feeling much better today. I did take 1.5mg of klonopin last night to try and help me sleep but I had a paradoxical response and was pretty keyed up in the middle of the night. Despite this, and despite not getting great sleep overall, I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about my ability to deal with all this without prescribed meds. I do have a check-in with my PCP's office shortly but at this point I think it'll be mainly to keep them in the loop and not to re-start my meds. I started Omega 3's last night, took a super low dose that I split between last night, this morning, and lunch time. All-in-all feeling to be in the realm of my ability to cope, which was doubtful for a time yesterday in my mind. Going out to pick up some magnesium now too so I'll see if that helps. I also was considering L-argnine, particularly because the info here notes that it can be help for neural repair. 

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, FirstStepFaith said:

L-argnine

 

That's great that you're feeling better and that you're feeling optimistic about dealing with things without restarting your drugs.

 

If you do get the L-arginine, wait until you've introduced the omegas and the magnesium.  Make only one change at a time so you can know the effect of each individual supplement.  Since you just started the omega last night, I would give it 3-4 days before starting the magnesium.

[FirstStepFaith]

Will do,

13 minutes ago, Gridley said:

Make only one change at a time so you can know the effect of each individual supplement

Will do, thank you!!

[ChessieCat]

And it's best to only try a small amount.

 

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable