Gardenlife: Celexa from age 14 to 37

[Gardenlife]

Hello all,

 

My therapist recommended a support group for withdrawal and I found this website through Facebook. First time being a part of a forum. Is a bit overwhelming but heres my back story.

I got put on Celexa when I was 14 years old after my first broken heart. I was a sensitive gal those days so I can see how I may have been more sad about it than others would have. And my mother was concernd so she to took me to our family doctor who started me on Celexa and that was that. At the follow up appointment I told him how I got a pain in my eyes if I missed my pill and he said that I should keep taking it because it helped that pain!!!! For years I thought I would be cursed with this pain if I ever got off but I eventually realized it was a withdrawl. Obviously he didnt either but this was 1997/1998.

I continues to take it until I was about 23 and decided I wanted to wean my self off so I did, by myself over the course of a year. Each time I did, Id get the same straining pain in my eyes and this weird fuzziness there, in my head. And I would feel nervous. Sometimes these feelings were so obvious that it would remind me if I forgot to take my medicine! I got off of the meds for the first time ever after about 10 years and someone close to me dies!! I handled it fine until I had a panic attack which led me unto a depression and the 24/7 nervous feeling and back on Celexa I went, 5 months after getting off. I was 24 years old. 

 

At 28, in 2012, I slowly weaned myslef again over a year to get pregnant. Same WD symptoms and after my last dose, the same withdrawl depression came and lasted several months and then faded. I got pregnant, gave birth and had severe post partum anxiety and depression. And back on Celexa at age 29 in 2013, about 13 months after I got off of them.

The depression and anxiety let up and once again I started to wean. I was back off the Celexa again in 2015. I had the same symptoms, plus headaches, night sweats and maybe others that I cant remember. 

 

And 2016 and 2017 was the happiest of my life. Did I have anxiety? Sure!!! Might be in my nature and I was a new mom. did I get sad? Yes, awful things happened during that time but I delt with it and got through. It didnt take over my life. I never got depressed.

And then in March 2018, I go and get some steroid shots in my back. Days later I started feeling nervous. Then I stopped sleeping. The doctor put me back on celexa with Xanax to help me fall asleep. I took it every night and then the first night I ran out, I didnt take it and had a panic attack which let to suicidal feelings that I had never expeirenced. I went to the hospital and they told me I should stay because they would help me sleep and I could get put on some medicine sooner than if I didnt stay. So I did and it was an awful time. I didnt feel like I would kill myself but I felt like i was  at the point where suicide happens and it scared me. So they upped my Celexa and sent me home with an antipsychotic to help with sleep. It didnt help but it gave me awful nightmares so I only took it for about 3 times. 

 

That was in June 2018. I eventually started sleeping and feeling better. Years later I found out that my issues and insomina could have been a side effect to the Steroid shot. Unfortunately, that fall, because I was feeling better, I started weaning again. In May 2019 I started getting depressed and thinking alot. And oddly, I started feeling that weird fuzzy feeling and pain in my eyes even while taking the Celexa. I stopped taking it all together in June for some blood test I was doing through a natropath. I felt nervous all the time and thought alot. I gave in and got on Lexapro that October 2019 at 10mg. She upped it to 15mg in December because I didnt feel like it was working. 

 

In March of 202 I started taking supplements for gut health which included Magnesium and I started feeling better in May. In September  after some research I kicked my magnesium up from 600- about 1200mg. And in October I felt great so I decided Magnesium was the ticket!!! In May, by the approval of my pychiatrist, I decided I wanted to get pregnant January 2021. So she told me to go down to 10mg, then in Decemebr to 5mg, and then in January to 0mg.

 

So I did, and guess what? I feel awful. In the beginning of tapering, I felt really good. really happy. And I thought it was the magnesium. But at 0mg, the fuzziness in my head is so strong and worst when I do quick movements. Sleep sucks. The brain zaps at night. I feel like I cant feel joy. I feel scared, like a small child away from her parents for the first time. Thats all I can ever compare this feeling. Like wanting to go home. But I am home! I just cant feel it. And I have felt this feeling before. I even felt it for a week last December not long after going from 10 to 5mg. But after reading some of the post on here, I worry it will last forever. I am so worried being put on medicine at such a young age caused permanent problems for me. I fee like I am going crazy because I feel fear and I am not sure why. Anytime that I have ever been like this, it went away eventually as I forced myself into life and happiness. Everything makes me sad. 

 

Last October I felt great, I knew sad things existed but I also didnt feel like they were the majority of life. I was able to focus on the good, the sad came and went. Hell, even at Christmas, after I got over a hump, I was great.

I lead a very healthy lifestlye and kicked up my juice plus supplements in hopes that I can help my brain heal. But maybe it wont. ever. Maybe its broken. Shortly after getting on the Lexapro, I started getting body pains. I wanted to get off the Lexapro to see if it was causing it. And I wanted to get pregnant and give my brother a sibling before it was too late. I m 37 years old. But now I just have this empty room with paint buckets that I cant imagine will ever be a nursery and my little man will not have a sibling or even a cousin! And I am fully aware that their are medicines approve for pregnancy but yall, I dont even take aspirin. 

 

It feels like I am stuck i a long panic attack, I keep having brain farts all day long. I cant focus or think straight. Even my spelling in this is awful, so no judgment because I dont know how to fix it on this fancy Macbook!

 

Its been a week since I took my tiny little 3mg crumble of Lexapro. The last few days were crumbles. And I clearly learned from this website that I tapered too fast so whats yalls advice? Go back on and start over? Go back on half way, like to 10 or even 5? Cause I felt good at 5mg. And then ask for a liquid form and do 1mg less every 2 months? Or just stick it out to see what happens. I have my follow up with my doctor next week and I dont feel like doctors know how to handle withdrawl.

 

Btw, I stupdily did ecstacy twice as a teen while on antidressants and always worry I did damage. Can anyone relate to my story? Was anyone that yougn when started?I dont think I can hear any bad news right now so please, maybe not drop that here. Thanks for reading all this. Really appriciate it. My friends cant understand, my folks cant, my husband really cant. He is your man's man. Though they try some, I feel so incredibly lonely. Like standing behind a class window, watching my life being lived and I am not apart of it. 

 

Peace and love to you all. (im a hippie)

Ashleigh

Edited January 29, 2021 by manymoretodays
name to title, spacing for readability

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Gardenlife

 

It sounds like you have withdrawal syndrome. Most likely, you do not have to reinstate 5mg escitalopram to address this, you could take perhaps 0.5mg or 1mg. Escitalopram comes in a prescription liquid. You'd stabilize on that small dose for some months and taper off later. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

It sounds like SSRIs such as citalopram and escitalopram are no longer working for you. This does happen over time. You might reconsider resorting to antidepressants when you hit bad patches.

[Gardenlife]

Thank you for the reply. I have been feeling much better the last few days. Although I dont want to think too much into it because I know their will be waves. My biggest complaint at the moment is the odd eye/ head feeling which I think I found is called Nystagmus? I was talking to a friend over the weekend who takes Lexapro and said she has always gotten the same feeling when she misses her pill and I was relieved to know I am not alone! 

My therapist recommended aI see how I feel this next week also she is letting me borrow her alpha wave thingy machine. Ever heard of it? They are quite expensive but have great results. She lets her clients borrow it during rough patches.

Do you recommend going back on antidepressants for temporary bad patches throughout their life? Or do you mean just throughout the withdrawl process; through the waves that might come and go in the next few years. I am a firm believer to seek out foods sensitivities, nutrition, vitamin deficiencies/ supplementation, exercise, counceling, before getting onto a medication.  And if all else fails, well then that Goodness for medication!

[Gardenlife]

@Altostrata hello! So I am 18 days out and I’m not doing too bad. 
when I started Lexapro 16 months ago, I started getting some body aches, muscle tightening and chills that I was hoping would subside when I stopped taking it however so far, 18 days out, it hasn’t. Mornings are the hardest. I wake Up feeling nervous. But it’s not anything I’ve never experienced before. 
I stupidly tapered only 11 weeks. In the past, I did it over a year. Im

not feeling terrible. I do have my bad days and moments. And I am anxious overall. But after reading all the stories in here about waves and symptoms lasting years, I am now waiting for the other shoe to drop. 
You had mentioned above possibly getting on a low dose for a little bit? Is that what you meant? And also you mentioned getting back on an antidepressant during rough patches. What do you mean by rough patches? Do you mean waves during withdrawal? Or rough patches throughout my life. 

[Gardenlife]

And here I am again. Not sure anyone is reading this so its a bit like. diary entry to me. Like I said, mornings suck. I wake up shakey and in "flight or fight" which lingers and then gets better. My his have been hurting me for the last 3-4 weeks for the first time ever. Is this a withdrawal thing? I hear about joint pain. I suppose anything is possible. Ugh, I suppose I have depression this morning. I feel like I am losing everything. Depression makes you feel so far away from the ones you love. I love my husband and son so much but I feel like I am losing them. Its a feeling I have experienced before. These are all feelings I have had, and in order to make them go away, I thought I needed to get back on medicine and so I did. I never thought before, "well, maybe this is what I have to go through to get my brain to heal."

I was only 14 when I got on medicine so truth be tole, I dont know what I am like not on it. Well, thats not entirely true. I was off for just under 3 years and I felt soooo good. I do remember, the first year afterwards I had night sweats, a headache that lasted 3 months and some other issues. I went to the doctor alot and now I am wondering if it was withdrawal. 3 years later I got back on them after I spiraled. Which I kind of blame on steroid shots in my back. 

One of the problems with always gettin on medicine when times get rough is that you will always think its what you need to do when things get hard, because its what you did in the past and all you know. And once youve spiraled, you kinda live in fear of spiraling and you just feel like its a matter of time before you get back on medicine because its the way you have always been. So not only is your body healing nuerologicaly but also you need to get rid of bad habits!!!

Has anyone ever tried Magnesium in the form of Threonate? Its a newer form and said to be the most bioavailable, crossing the blood brain barrier better than any other form. Ive been taking one 500mg capsule almost every morning since October, along side Magnesium Glycinate. But the Threonate actually calls for 4 capsules a day totally 2000mg!!!!! Which seems like alot but I am thinking about giving it a go! Anyone here ever gave it a few months?

[sunnysideup69]

Hi @Gardenlife,

Welcome . Sorry you're experiencing a rough time. I do think you will heal, even though you began antidepressants early on. I think Alto was saying you may think about NOT using antidepressants in the future, when times get rough. There are lots of tips on coping mechanisms on this webpage, if you look through the forums. They aren't quick fixes, but if you practise them long term, they can really help.

Also, her suggestion about reinstating a tiny amount to cope with WD is very much worth considering. You then taper off that tiny amount when you feel better. Slowly.

I've also used Citalopram (Celexa) so, I empathise.

[Gardenlife]

@sunnysideup69Thanks! This may be hard to follow but see if you can stay with me on This: I was on nothing in 2015,2016,2017 and then in 2018 I got back on Celexa in April. Stupidly that November I started to taper doen

and in Spring of 2019 I got depressed. I stopped taking it and a few months later started the Lexapro. That was September 2019. It didn’t seem to be helping. In March of 2020 I started doing a gut health system. I started on 600mg of Magnesium and a probiotic gears towards mood. That summer I started feeling better although I still had lots of downs. Still taking Lexapro. In September I upped my Magensium after lots of research and October and November were awesome!! On November 5th I spoke to my doctor about wanting to get pregnant in January 2021, so we started tapering. She told me right then and there to go down to 10mg. Then next month 5mg. Then January 5th-0mg. I chose to spend a week at 12.5mg. And a week at 7.5mg. 2 weeks at 3.5mg. 
going down to 10mg was fine. A few weeks after going down to 5mg I felt like crap. And now at 0mg I am so so. Ups and downs. 
I now know after joining this website that it was too fast. But to go back makes me feel like I went through the last 3 weeks for nothing.

And honestly, I don’t know if it’s true but I feel Like I have been withdrawling from the Celexa ever since I got off of it 18months ago. And getting on Lexapro didn’t help but made it worst. Who freaking knows. This rollercoaster of medicine that they put people on without any regard to over all health and needs is awful. But I had a lot of the physical systems for a while so I don’t think going back on lexapro will help Them. But maybe it would help the anxiety and depression? I am looking for the fastest way to heal because I want another child and my husband won’t allow me much more time. And I understand. We are 37. I suppose I would give it until 39 but he won’t. So I am wondering what would be the fastest way to heal. That’s an awful question and there is know way to know for sure but I want to give my son a sibling

[sunnysideup69]

I follow....but really, 'trying to heal fast' is putting yourself under a lot of pressure. Pressure to heal does not sit well with actually getting better.

I'd aim for steadily healing. It's a tricky enough process without making it harder for yourself.

 

[Gardenlife]

Im trying but that clock is ticking and I want a baby. lol. Its hard to not think about it when its in your face everywhere. And you're right. It feels much better to give myself some grace. Im trying to take it day by day. 

Btw, I am seeing alot of people take Magnesium which is awesome but I wonder if people would benefit from higher amounts? Ive done a ton of research and apparently people loose magnesium when they are stressed. So the amount for regular folks is around 400mg but studies have shown much relief from depression with 300-400mg PER meal and at bed time!!!! Which would be 1200mg a day!!  But if depressed and anxious people are constantly stress, then they might have to keep up with it because they are always peeing it out. So people going through withdrawal are probably continuously super lower cause their bodies are going though so much. Im hopeful that things like this can help and that there are solutions. 

Anyways, I guess I am just wondering if I should reinstate or keep rolling. Im wondering what would be better for my future.

[Gardenlife]

@Elisabeth1 Thank you so much. Those words mean everything to me.

[sunnysideup69]

20 hours ago, Gardenlife said:

Im trying but that clock is ticking and I want a baby. lol. Its hard to not think about it when its in your face everywhere. And you're right. It feels much better to give myself some grace. Im trying to take it day by day. 

Btw, I am seeing alot of people take Magnesium which is awesome but I wonder if people would benefit from higher amounts? Ive done a ton of research and apparently people loose magnesium when they are stressed. So the amount for regular folks is around 400mg but studies have shown much relief from depression with 300-400mg PER meal and at bed time!!!! Which would be 1200mg a day!!  But if depressed and anxious people are constantly stress, then they might have to keep up with it because they are always peeing it out. So people going through withdrawal are probably continuously super lower cause their bodies are going though so much. Im hopeful that things like this can help and that there are solutions. 

Anyways, I guess I am just wondering if I should reinstate or keep rolling. Im wondering what would be better for my future.

Yes, I really do believe that supplementation helps a lot. Deciding whether or not to reinstate is tricky, I'm sure. Good luck with deciding. Maybe experiement with the magnesium dosages but remember to add just a bit at a time, in case there's any adverse effects.

[Altostrata]

On 2/1/2021 at 7:06 AM, Gardenlife said:

My biggest complaint at the moment is the odd eye/ head feeling which I think I found is called Nystagmus? I was talking to a friend over the weekend who takes Lexapro and said she has always gotten the same feeling when she misses her pill and I was relieved to know I am not alone! 

 

This sounds like a mild version of a very common withdrawal symptom known as "brain zaps".

 

You went off Celexa about 2.5 weeks ago. Have your withdrawal symptoms gotten worse in the last week?

[Gardenlife]

@Altostrata so thankfully the head/ eye feeling has gotten better. As far as symptoms like that go, I have these loud banging noises in my head when I try to fall asleep that come on and make me jerk awake. And it happens a few times until I fall asleep. This has happened every time I have ever come off my medicine.

but now I am dealing with full blown depression and a state of panic almost constantly. I feel like I need to pace back and forth, because my thought won’t shut up and nothing feels comfortable. Feels like I am in danger and it’s scary as hell and quite lonely. I have felt this way before in my worst days. I think it’s always came after getting on an antidepressant or getting off. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I am freaking out. Have people felt this way and still came through it without medicine? It always subsided for me cause I either got back on medicine or it just eventually got better cause I had started the medicine.

I think one of the reasons it got so much worst yesterday is cause I have to quarantine because I was exposed to Covid. And any social arrangements I had got canceled of course. And well, those can be really helpful during these times. 
i spoke to my doctor yesterday and told her that I wanted to keep checking in with her and that I would

mayne get back on a liquid version of a much smaller dose and she was fine with it. I told her I would give it until after vacation. We are leaving for a vacation in 11 days so I was hoping it would kick start the beginning of a new chapter in my life. And if it didn’t, I’d get back on Lexapro. 
So I started November at 15mg. Went down to 12.5mg for about a week and then 10mg. Did that for a month and then 7.5mg. Did that for about a week and then went to 5mg, did that for about 5 weeks, then a week of 2.5mg, and then stopped. I started this before I joined your website and at the direction of my doctor. Which I now know was a mistake. I was feeling great and thought all the supplements were helping and that I would be ok. Maybe not great, but ok. But I am doing pretty bad.
last week was doable, I had some great days, but I feel This week I feel like  I am in danger but I know I am not so it’s just a feeling but this feeling is making me feel crazy and scared. 
And I know you aren’t a doctor however I do respect your opinion because you have spoken to so many people that have gone through this. 
Reinstatement is sounding better and better. But I guess the part I don’t understand is would a tiny bit like you had mentioned help? When I was on 15mg before? Thanks for the reply, btw. I super thankful for your time!! 

[Ariel]

@Gardenlife

Moved by your story.

Wonder how you're doing...?

[Ariel]

On 2/2/2021 at 3:04 PM, Gardenlife said:

        I am only 12 clean; are we calling it clean? This is the 5th time I have gotten off of an anti-depressant; Lexapro. The first 4 times was Celexa. All I ever took was Celexa until 16 months ago when I started Lexapro. In the past, with Celexa, I weaned for a year. No reading about weaning and no direction with a doctor. Just me thinking I needed a year. But this time I came off in only 2 months unfortunately. Because thats what the doctor told me to do and I wanted to get pregnant. I am 37 and my first son is 7. They are far enough apart already. 

         But I am no longer ready to have a child at this moment. And after reading all these post about the horrible withdrawal that comes in waves and can last a long time, I am a bit nervous about trying at all. I dont know what to expect and Id hate to find out the hard way. Knowing about the waves does give me some relief. Had I known about them, I would have tried to stick it out in the past; saw them as the normal healing process. However, as soon as times get hard, I wanted the only life I ever knew, which is a life on Celexa. 

I wonder how much of this is withdrawal anxiety and how much of what we experience is "fear of the unknown". It feels like I am going into a gun fight without a gun. I havent been doing life without Celexa, my whole life. I was put on Celexa when I spent a summer depressed from a heart break and group of "mean girls". Now dont get me wrong, I am a sensitive, free spirit so women like me are often medicated. But I find that I take after my mom and am a very positive little bee but I also take after my dad and can think too much and worry. My parents are complete opposites and I got some of both. However I have no family history of mental health issues other than my grandfather being a racist, mean, angry piece of crap. Who knows what he would have been diagnosed with during these times. I was never allowed to meet him. 

           Anyways, I wake up with anxiety. I wake up wondering how each day is going to go, not being on medicine. What scares me is that even though i only tapered over 2 months, it has been slightly easier than the other times which took 12 months. I don't know if it makes a difference but I live a much healthier lifestyle than I did before. I have been taking ALOT of magnesium. From what I read, we lose magnesium when we are stressed. And I knew tapering would be extremely stressful and I was experiencing alot of anxiety so I loaded up. I also have been cleansing my gut this past year with herbs and a special pro-biotic made for mental health. Did you know studies have shown that people without mental health issues have microbiota in their gut that people with mental health issues don't have?! So now they have probiotics that contain those microbiota. How cool! At least they are trying to figure it out! I am a bi of a science nerd.

          I also try to eat mostly whole foods. I eat a crap ton of high antioxidant foods. I don't often eat gluten, dairy or added sugar because I read it causes inflammation and who needs that! I also take Juice Plus which is just fruits and vegetables juiced down and then ground down into powder and put into a capsule. Its a sneaky way for your body to think you are eating tons of fruits and vegetables, which I still do. Anyways, my point is is that I am alot nicer to my body than I ever was before. And I am hoping it helps. Taking medicine daily at such a long age really made me feel out of control. But make good healthy decisions helped me gain some control back. 

      My therapist told me that part of my problem is that my antidepressant was also my "teddy bear" or "baby blanket". It made me feel safe. And she is 100% right. After I had my son, I was so anxious, I couldn't sleep. And after I got back on Celexa, I started sleeping 3 days later. And I know it didn't help that fast but just the thought that I was taking it, made me feel better. And often times, when heading into a stressful situation, I would think, "Its ok. My antidepressants will get me through it". 

           But now I don't have it. And now I am reading about so many people that go through such hard times after they get off. And it makes sense. I have been on it since I was 14!!!! I am 37 now!! Thats a long time. I did get off of it for about 3 years and those were the best 3 years of my life. I had anxiety but would laugh at it. I never got depressed. But 3 years later, I all of a sudden had a little mini panic attack and then stopped sleeping. I asked the doctor to put me back on Celexa and I asked for Xanax to help me sleep until the Celexa kicked in. I hadn't taken Xanax before but I heard it would help. Only took it for a month but I quickly got dependent on it because when I ran out, I stopped sleeping again and had a panic attack which caused me to go to the hospital. There they convinced me to stay so that they could get me to sleep! Well, if you cant sleep at home, you aint sleeping in a psychiatric ward. And it was an awful experience. Being told you cant leave and are basically locked up are incredibly traumatizing.

       This past year, I learned that the insomnia and nervousness started the week after I got shots of Steroids in my back and is often a side effect of Steroids for some people. Maybe if I had known that, maybe I would have been able to get through it and maybe I would be able to say I have been off of antidepressants for 6 years. 

       Oh well, we live, and we learn. And we hope to teach others about our mistakes so that they don't make more. I believe people can be depressed for many reasons. Trauma, vitamin deficiencies, lake of exercise, poor diet, lifestyle, drug or alcohol use, etc. And I think their are many things to change or fix before resorting to medication but that is not the way the world works right now. 14 was young to be medicated but I know they are medicating children much younger than that now and that sucks. If all else fails, and ones quality of life is awful than thank goodness for medication! Thank goodness!!! BUT, it shouldn't be the first go to, like I know it is.

      So I am scared of the unknown. I am terrified. I am sad I didn't give my son a sibling because his mom couldn't on medicine.  Id really like to do that for him. We just learned he will never have a cousin. I love him so much and want to give him more family and I want to mother another child. But like I said, after reading yalls post, I am wondering if that is a good idea because I don't know what is in store with me in the withdrawal process. Only time well tell, but I don't have that time of time. 

 

 

 

 

[Lauren90]

Hey, how are you doing?