MaryMoo429: Introduction

[MaryMoo429]

Thank you, @Wim1952💓🙏

[Mia1]

20 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I've been wondering whether or not this could what adrenaline and/or cortisol spikes feel like? Only, this happens so frequently that its not a full-blown panic attack always but rather a bunch of episodic "bursts" of uncomfortable energy. I just would like to know what that physical feeling actually is, as its so upsetting and hard to manage

I mentioned this before but I had something similar when I first started my detox. I was in serious w/d from CT of MMJ and my heart would beat fast all day and night. My CNS was completely shot and my heart was trying to regulate without the drug in my system. I was super reactive because I was scared and this caused everything to become more intense. So I think it was the combination of my CNS trying to stabilize and my reactivity.

 I have this to a lesser degree now where I feel what you describe as bursts of energy. I would describe it as surges of intense energy. It varies in intensity but is consistently there. I believe it’s definitely cortisol as a result of w/d and a good sign my CNS is healing. Because I no longer react it doesn’t bother me and I know at some point it will pass.

 

20 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I just had my echocardiogram on Friday and I got the results yesterday which all said "normal." So now I have a normal EKG and a normal echocardiogram all within the past few months. I'm trying my best to pray for acceptance and the ability to trust my results but it can be so hard when I still, very much feel physically ill.   

This is great news and yet I understand how frustrated you feel. I went to the ER when COVID had just locked things down to get my heart checked and everything was fine. It took me about 3 more months of intense worry to finally get to the point where I said to myself I don’t care what happens, let it be, I’m done suffering. Once I TRULY accepted what was happening I started to get immediate relief. Despite feeling sick I had peace.

[KenA]

On 5/16/2021 at 12:03 PM, MaryMoo429 said:

Did you happen to get any anxious energy surges/ butterfly feelings in your chest?

I sure did!!! Oh those cortisol burst were the absolute worst!!! I would usually get them right as I was dozing off for sleep and bam!!!! It would bolt me right up in the bed and that was it for sleep for me for the night!!! Also the mornings were really really strong for me as well!! Usually when I would get up and first get into work they would hit me for a couple of hours until they would calm down. I can tell you though, I have not had a single cortisol burst in months!!! They have resolved and gone away!! They are just temporary while your body and CNS is restoring balance and healing itself!! The feelings you are having sounds exactly like a cortisol burst. It's hard to describe how they felt but for me it was like a thump to the middle of my chest. Kind of like when someone jumps out at you and yells "boo". After they would happen I would feel exhausted afterwards for 3-4 hours. 

 

I can promise you they have gone away for me completely and I'm back to feeling normal again. It took an extremely long time, but I've made it to that point now where I feel back to normal again!! You will get to this point as well!! Keep working on the acceptance!!!! That's when things started to get easier for me. Not quite better, but easier. I could let the symptoms roll over me without grabbing onto them and letting them torture me. It took a long time to gain acceptance, but once I did it made a world of a difference!!! Keep working on it and give it more and more time!! That's the secret to this!!! Time time time time and more time!!! Just wait it out!!! You can do it I know you can!!

 

Ken

[Mia1]

How are you doing? Were you able to take time off from your work?

[MaryMoo429]

Hey @Mia1 sorry for the very late response. I had to get off of this site for a while because it was just too much for me to look at while experiencing such debilitating symptoms each day. Was just making me feel worse, less hopeful and more debilitated. 
 

I did go to Florida and had a hard time on multiple occasions while there, but still went because I feel the need to keep pushing forward. 

 

I never took time off, but I did start a new job this week. I left the shelter and was hired as an assistant property manager at an affordable housing agency. 

 

Still fighting every day to get through awful physical feelings of heart palpitations, head pressure, throat pressure, etc. and severe anxiety that borders on paranoia. Basically just pushing through each day while feeling like **** and hating my life. Trying to keep moving forward though because I don’t really have any other choice. I really would like someone to help me find a way to safely go back on meds but I don’t think anyone from this site can help me with that. I never had a problem on the mediation it has only been since I came off that my life turned to complete ****. My quality of life sucks and, as you can probably tell I’m having a rough time right now. The pressure feelings have been so awful and I don’t even know if it’s from withdrawal or if it’s something else. I just don’t know how much longer I can put up with feeling this terrible. Some things I read on here get me so down. If I knew I had to do this for just another year and then I’d be good I could totally manage. It’s the uncertainty that makes it so hard. I often question whether or not this is even withdrawal or something else entirely. Or maybe the doctors are right and I just need to be on meds. I don’t know what or who to believe and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter because I feel like **** and nothing anyone says has been able to remedy that. I’m coming up on a year since going to zero and I feel like there still Is no hope. I just want to feel better and  at this point I don’t care if that means being medicated with the drugs I know are toxic. That’s how bad I feel. 
 

also one random question here but I don’t understand why I never experienced brain zaps when they are the most common withdrawal. This is one thing that has always puzzled me and makes me wonder if something else if wrong with me and not withdrawal. If I feel so awful

and debilitated then how come I never had this most basic withdrawal symptom. Instead I have weird sensations that I feel most others can’t relate to or have no idea what I’m talking about. 
 

I feel crazy and almost manic right now and would love to be sedated. I’m still sober from drugs and alcohol (coming up on two years) and on days like this just want to take an opiate or benzo and go to sleep for hours. Not going to happen but wish it could. Ok I’m done ranting for now and will eat ice cream instead so I don’t jump in front of a moving car. 

[Mia1]

20 minutes ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I did go to Florida and had a hard time on multiple occasions while there, but still went because I feel the need to keep pushing forward. 

 

I never took time off, but I did start a new job this week. I left the shelter and was hired as an assistant property manager at an affordable housing agency. 

It’s good to hear from you MaryMoo. Congratulations on both of these things, it takes incredible strength and courage to push through our fears and live our best life. You’re truly amazing and I hope you know it!!

 

24 minutes ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I really would like someone to help me find a way to safely go back on meds but I don’t think anyone from this site can help me with that. I never had a problem on the mediation it has only been since I came off that my life turned to complete ****.

I actually felt this way in the beginning too, wanting to go on medication and have my life back. I’m going to share with you what I shared with another member struggling with this, perhaps it will help you:

 

When I firststarted this journey and ct’ed MMJ I was in PAWS. It was an absolute hell that I would not wish on anyone. My heart would pound day and night, I would sleep maybe two hours every three days, I had intense akathesia, I had such intense dp/dr that I would question whether I was real or not. I could not drive a car and was barely functional. I thought I had permanent brain damage and was terrified. It took months to slowly get better but even then I fought the way I felt. I wanted to feel better, I wanted to be back to “myself”, I wanted this experience to never have happened.

At the time, like you, I wanted medication to take it away. And because of that I didn’t do any of the work. I didn’t learn what acceptance was or how it could help me. I didn’t learn any non drug coping skills. My mantra was “I can’t do this, I can’t do this...” 

It was only when I stopped thinking about something outside myself (drugs) to help me and turned within that things started getting better. I learned what acceptance meant to me and gave myself some peace. I learned to meditate. I found meaning in my suffering and transformed it into the greatest teacher I have ever had. I learned how to rely on myself, trust myself and love myself. I have learned to become fearless.

27 minutes ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I’m coming up on a year since going to zero and I feel like there still Is no hope.

As we know healing is not linear and it can be frustrating, especially when we’ve been experiencing it for a while. There is always hope and even if you don’t believe it you are healing every day. What I have found on this journey is that you can lessen the degree of the symptoms, what are your non drug coping skills? The one thing that has helped me the most is a daily meditation practice. It really helped me to learn how to not react to symptoms. It’s our reactions to thoughts and symptoms that cause the suffering. Once I understood this I no longer suffered. I still had the symptoms but they didn’t control me anymore.

 

I have a lot of other things that may help you, let me know if you’re interested.

36 minutes ago, MaryMoo429 said:

also one random question here but I don’t understand why I never experienced brain zaps when they are the most common withdrawal. This is one thing that has always puzzled me and makes me wonder if something else if wrong with me and not withdrawal. If I feel so awful

and debilitated then how come I never had this most basic withdrawal symptom. Instead I have weird sensations that I feel most others can’t relate to or have no idea what I’m talking about.

 

There are so many different w/d symptoms and each person’s symptoms are as unique as themselves, I wouldn’t read too much into it. I myself have many weird sensations in my head but because I know it’s w/d and I don’t worry about it that’s all it is, weird sensations in my head. I don’t allow it to rob the joy from my day. I promise this can be done, it just takes practice.

 

At this moment you may not feel this but you have SO much more control over this than you think. So much of it comes from our thinking. This is another area meditation can help you.

42 minutes ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I’m still sober from drugs and alcohol (coming up on two years) 

Congratulations on this, it’s a big deal and shows again your strength and determination. Don’t forget how awesome you are!!

 

 I’m here for you to help in any way I can. You are okay, and you are going to get better. This is a temporary experience you are having, it won’t be the rest of your life.

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1 Thanks for your unconditional support and patience with me and my negativity. I genuinely hate being negative and feel ashamed of being this way but I can’t help it. I try to put on a good front all day long and then usually end up losing it on my family and on this site. It’s the only time I feel I can be real. I just had a hard day today at work and it made me angry, frustrated, sad and had me ready to throw in the towel like so many other days. I was with one of the maintenance techs today in a tenant’s apartment, learning their work order process when I started getting intense sinus pressure (nasa passages swell up so it feels like I’m breathing through a pinhole yet no congestion) accompanied by head pressure that pulses to the best of my heart (never with any pain) and ear pressure that also throbs to the beat of my pulse (without pain). I also had a tightness/pressure in my throat that made it hard to breathe and my mouth became dry. My anxiety/panic set in and I just wanted to get the **** out. The tenant had been burning some type of incense or something and it seemed to trigger my symptoms. When we left and got in his truck it was hard for me to get comfy. When this happens I repeatedly cross and uncross my legs and it feels like the muscles in my body are quivering and about to “let go” entirely and erupt into a seizure. Like My body is shaking on the inside. Is this akathisia? I always thought akathisia was uncontrollable muscle movements so I never thought I had that because I don’t actually shake it just feels as though my whole body is shaking on the inside but nobody can see it. It’s awful. 
 

as far as what I use for coping skills. It’s easier to use these when I’m not working. What helps most is just getting into comfy clothes and lying on my bed in quiet. I can’t do this though when I’m working. Getting some fresh air helps as well as getting away from people and not having to answer to anyone or even look at anyone. Also being busy with a task, like paperwork or something is helpful. Where I’m not in my head and able to focus on the negative feelings and thoughts. Like I said though it’s hard to do this when you work. I never know when I’m going to experience something awful and if I’m working and in the middle of something I can’t always leave to self soothe. But I also can’t not work, especially if I’m going to be ***** with withdrawal for years and years. What a ******* **** show this is. This is why I’d just go back on meds if I could figure out a way to do it safely. Because I can’t not work for years to focus on healing and have responsibilities I need to take care of and show up for. I’ve already been such a burden on my parents and friends and coworkers that I feel selfish for continuing to suffer with “withdrawal” (I think we should find a better term for this by the way) if I could take a medication to, in turn, make their lives easier. I just feel so totally screwed from being on so many different meds for so many years and CT’ing so many, then reinstating, etc. that I’m one of the cases that will never heal and if I do it will be years of torture and maybe one day I do throw in that towel. Hopefully not, and I haven’t yet, but I honestly get some relief from having that be an option. Sometimes it feels good to just give up. But I won’t for now. As my brother said - he used to tell himself that he could always kill himself tomorrow, and that helped him find peace and strength to continue on. I like to use this same idea but with going back on meds or drinking/using. I can always drink/use or go back on meds tomorrow but  I won’t right now. Feeling like you have some kind of option can be helpful. Maybe. 

[Mia1]

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I genuinely hate being negative and feel ashamed of being this way but I can’t help it. I try to put on a good front all day long and then usually end up losing it on my family and on this site. It’s the only time I feel I can be real. I just had a hard day today at work and it made me angry, frustrated, sad and had me ready to throw in the towel like so many other days.

Never be ashamed for having feelings, you are doing the best you can. I’m happy you can come on this site and be your real self, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. Keep doing this.

 

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

The tenant had been burning some type of incense or something and it seemed to trigger my symptoms. When we left and got in his truck it was hard for me to get comfy. When this happens I repeatedly cross and uncross my legs and it feels like the muscles in my body are quivering and about to “let go” entirely and erupt into a seizure. Like My body is shaking on the inside. Is this akathisia? I always thought akathisia was uncontrollable muscle movements so I never thought I had that because I don’t actually shake it just feels as though my whole body is shaking on the inside but nobody can see it. It’s awful. 

That’s exactly how I feel when I have an akathisia flare up, it’s an internal shaking and it’s difficult for me to get comfortable. I also have restless leg syndrome. It’s  exacerbated by stress so self care is important. I found not reacting to the symptoms greatly reduces them. I’m going to share a really great guided healing meditation that has helped me with this.

 

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I never know when I’m going to experience something awful and if I’m working and in the middle of something I can’t always leave to self soothe.

Maybe have a mantra for that day and when you find yourself at work and unable to distract just repeat it to yourself in a soothing manner. It will really help to redirect and you can say it in your head. Also try deep breathing throughout the day to help settle your nervous system.

 

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I feel selfish for continuing to suffer with “withdrawal”

 

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I just feel so totally screwed from being on so many different meds for so many years and CT’ing so many, then reinstating, etc. that I’m one of the cases that will never heal and if I do it will be years of torture and maybe one day I do throw in that towel. Hopefully not, and I haven’t yet,

You’re not selfish for being sick, please be kind to yourself. It can be a slow process for sure but you are getting better. Recently you went to Florida, you got a new job in the midst of everything you’re going through AND you just celebrated almost two years of sobriety. These are accomplishments to be really proud of. 

 

Sometimes the only thing we can change is our attitude. So yes, feel all of your feelings but rest in the comfort that you are getting better. Because you are. I’m sending you a big hug 🤗 

 

 

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1thanks for posting the meditation I will check it out even though I don’t generally like meditation. I’ve tried so many different styles and used to have to do them every morning in the various sober houses and treatment centers I was in. It can’t do any hurt though so what the heck, I’ll give it a whirl after yoga this morning. 
 

While I’d like to think that I’m getting better I get very frustrated because I just don’t see it. I keep reading that it’s one of those things I can’t see while I’m in it but will be able to look back on and say “oh yea I now see where things changed a little for e better there,” or whatever. I just truly believe I’ve gotten better at feeling like **** as opposed to actually getting better. When it comes to how I feel I still feel awful so don’t see any progress being made. I definitely, however, have gotten better at moving forward while still feeling awful

and pushing through the symptoms/reacting less. This is definitely improvement in a sense but not the kind I most desperately want. 
 

the one symptom that has gone are the energy rushes over my heart while initially  trying to fall asleep. Other than that it all seems to be the same to me. 
 

I get scared that I’m going to have an “episode” so badly one day where my throat/chest tenses and constricts that my muscles seize and prevent me from being able to breathe entirely. I read about this happening to a woman and now I’m terrified and know this thought will be in the back of my mind the next time I have an episode which will only worsen my anxiety and corresponding symptoms. This is where reading people’s symptoms and stories sometimes makes me sicker and feel worse. 
 

I’m going to try my best today to put yesterday behind me and focus on acceptance and healing. As well as having faith. I definitely lost both hope and faith yesterday and need to actively participate in working on finding them today. 
 

 

[getofflex]

Hello @MaryMoo429I'm very sorry you are dealing with these scary and disturbing symptoms.  I can really relate to that feeling of shaking inside.  Mine is more like an inner tension and "buzzing" that feels like I want to jump out of my skin.  It's a terrible feeling.  I get it some nights when I cannot sleep.  

On 7/31/2021 at 6:37 AM, MaryMoo429 said:

I definitely, however, have gotten better at moving forward while still feeling awful

and pushing through the symptoms/reacting less.

Believe it or not, what you just described above is evidence that you are developing a lot of inner spiritual strength and courage.  This quality will serve you very well for the rest of your life, and no one can take this from you.  I personally believe that God allows us to suffer at times to teach us things like this.  Unfortunately recovery from WD and psych drugs is often ridiculously and painstakingly slow.  We have a mod here @Erellwho has been at what seems like a stand still, but we all believe that she will get better.  Please go check out her thread: 

 

Erell Struggling with Paroxetine

 

Since you have been on and off many drugs, it would not surprise me at all that it will take some extra time for your nervous system to sort itself out.  Please watch this video, it explains it very well, especially the analogy of a Rubik's cube.  The Rubik's cube has to go through many twists and turns before one find the solution to it.  It is a circuitous, round about process, because our nervous systems are extremely complex, and are comprised of literally billions of cells.  

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Please hang on, take one day at a time.  Also, here is a link on radical acceptance.  It's not easy, but it can really help.  

 

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance_text.html

[almuPA]

Hello @MaryMoo429,

 

I've just read your thread.

I Can only say how much I admire you. You are such a brave person. You are doing your best, which is a lot if you think how much you've been tru.

 

As you told me, I relate a lot to your symptons. I understand how much you are suffering, you are not alone. 

 

I send you a Big hug.

[MaryMoo429]

@getofflex Thanks for your message and for sending along the rubiks cube video as well as the link to radical acceptance, I checked them both out and found them informative and interesting. I'm definitely trying to work on accepting my reality right now but some days it is harder than others. I definitely notice a correlation between my period and my symptoms as well. My symptoms are definitely more pronounced and "loud" a few days before and during my cycle. I had Three pretty awful days (Friday and then Sunday/Monday) and interestingly enough I got my period on Saturday night. My day today was Ok.  Not great but not terrible. Manageable. I just hate how volatile and unstable I feel. I never know how I'm going to feel in a day or two (even an hour sometimes) so it gets to be frustrating. I do like this idea of radical acceptance and want to believe, like you said, that my suffering has a purpose and is here to teach me something and make me stronger. Maybe trying to see my pain as a representation of something I haven't learned yet, but need to in order to continue onward and progress. Despite feeling awful more than I would like and feeling like I've had my life ripped away from me, I am able to occasionally see how much I've grown and am continuing to grow since getting sober this past time and coming off of psyche meds. Where I've ALWAYS relied on some chemical substance in one form or another (whether legally prescribed or not) to get me through, I'm now having to use other skills and develop other techniques to work through problems and daily life events. I got so used to only being able to do things when I felt a certain way that I legit would not do something or participate in a specific event unless I could feel how I believed I needed to feel (by taking some pill or substance or whatever - its really all the same to me) in order to successfully make it through or complete the task. I definitely think that I encouraged my brain to make me believe that I was weaker than I actually was or am. Its like in yoga when you do a headstand for the first time without a spotter. You feel shaky and afraid and incredibly vulnerable. After you do it over and over again though you continue to feel stronger and stronger. I'm hoping that practicing radical acceptance can eventually lead me to a similar outcome. 

[MaryMoo429]

@almuPA Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thread. I really appreciate the kind words and support. I like to believe that connection is the opposite of addiction so thank you for reaching out, its helped to make my day a little brighter. 

[Greatful]

@MaryMoo429  Read through your thread, you are an amazing woman.  You have endured so much in your life time. 

You are handling it with such strength and integrity. 

 

You don't feel like you are healing, well I just read your thread and can see a great deal of healing.  Maybe not so much the horrendous W/D symptoms but your internal growth is healing and it will spread to the rest of your healing.😊

 

Have you had a chance to read some of the success stories.  They are very inspirational.  You remind me of some of the people on there.  The strength and will power you have is going to get you through this. 

 

Mia1 has been a tremendous support for me.  She really does well with acceptance and can walk you through using some of her skills.  I do agree with her about meditation.  Try the meditation she sent you, it really is helping me. 

 

 

 

[getofflex]

On 8/3/2021 at 5:43 PM, MaryMoo429 said:

I just hate how volatile and unstable I feel. I never know how I'm going to feel in a day or two (even an hour sometimes) so it gets to be frustrating.

I feel you on this one, because I'm the same way.  It is hard to plan in the future, when I don't know how I will feel that day.  Yesterday I had to cancel my plan because I felt so bad.  

 

On 8/3/2021 at 5:43 PM, MaryMoo429 said:

Where I've ALWAYS relied on some chemical substance in one form or another (whether legally prescribed or not) to get me through, I'm now having to use other skills and develop other techniques to work through problems and daily life events.

This is huge.  This is also a goal of mine.  I've been sober since 1988 myself.  I believe that learning how to be an emotionally and mentally healthier person will be a lifetime pursuit for me.  

 

On 8/3/2021 at 5:43 PM, MaryMoo429 said:

I got so used to only being able to do things when I felt a certain way that I legit would not do something or participate in a specific event unless I could feel how I believed I needed to feel (by taking some pill or substance or whatever - its really all the same to me) in order to successfully make it through or complete the task. I definitely think that I encouraged my brain to make me believe that I was weaker than I actually was or am

This sounds to me like you are developing inner strength.  I've also learned to do things even when I feel like crap.  It shows us we are stronger than we thought we are.  

 

On 8/3/2021 at 5:43 PM, MaryMoo429 said:

I'm hoping that practicing radical acceptance can eventually lead me to a similar outcome. 

What's wonderful about acceptance, is that it removes the additional pain of not accepting something.  For me personally, when I don't accept something, I'm angry and resentful, and spend a lot of energy fighting it.  That adds a whole new layer of emotional pain and suffering to the original problem. Acceptance is difficult, but it gives me peace.  

 

Keep up the good work.  I admire your willingness to face your pain head on, and not try to cover it up or fight it.  You have a lot of courage, and intelligence.  I think you are going to be fine. 

[Mia1]

@MaryMoo429 it sounds like you are in a pretty decent space right now, that’s really good news. And acceptance just may be the last piece of the puzzle for you, it certainly has been the cornerstone to my recovery. When we truly allow things to be as they are without resistance or judgement everything becomes a little easier. There’s a little more space to breathe. Here’s to continued healing and feeling good!!🎉

@getofflex that’s AMAZING news about your sobriety, congratulations!! That takes a lot of courage and strength, I really admire that. Thank you for sharing. I also love what you wrote about spiritual development and acceptance ❤️

 

[MaryMoo429]

@Greatful Thank you for your comment. I have read through some of the success stories but I was freaked out by a few when I read how long they suffered so I kind if steered away from them. I should probably read some more though because on the days when I feel really terrible I feel I need to look for hope and strength from somewhere outside myself to keep on moving forward. 

 

I did try the meditation @Mia1recommended last night before I went to bed and I did actually find it to be beneficial. I really like the part at the beginning that talks about how when we dwell on our pain we are essentially practicing being in pain and identifying ourselves with it rather than separate from it.  Also that the way we interpret out physical pain is subjective. I think that I will try this again before I sleep tonight. I slept well last night but the night before I slept terribly so had a pretty awful day at work yesterday. The nights I sleep poorly I am very symptomatic the following day and feel as if my withdrawal is heightened. I think I'm going to try making it a habit to do this meditation before I go to sleep rather than reading articles on my phone or watching tv. 

 

@getofflex Congratulations on your years of sobriety. I hope that I am able to continue on as you have. Like you, this will DEFINITELY be a life-long pursuit for me as well. I agree that doing things when we feel awful shows just how strong we truly are. This is the first time in my life I've ever been able to successfully practice this concept. Its no easy task, however. I had a terrible day yesterday after not sleeping the night before and having awful anxiety, head/throat pressure and akithisia so just tried to get through work sections at a time. I'm training right now so have a lot thrown my way and feel myself getting overwhelmed often. By breaking down the day, however,and trying to get through one piece at a time, I've been able to keep moving forward so far. I'm trying so hard to practice this acceptance piece during these times to try to train my body to react less, and in turn, hopefully experience less pain. I'm till struggling with it but hope that the more I practice, the easier it will get. I slept better last night and my symptoms were less pronounced today and more manageable. 

 

Thanks @Mia1 I sure hope so! If you know of any other mediations that have been beneficial to you please send them along. One symptom that I would like to work on reacting less to is the akathisia feeling I get when I'm in a meeting and can't get comfortable. I get that super restless inner trembling/discomfort feeling that makes me have to keep adjusting my position, crossing and uncrossing my legs (I also can't stand the feeling of clothes on my skin at this time) and feel as if all my muscles are stiff and cannot relax. I try so hard to accept this feeling by knowing it is not harmful and that it will pass but everything in my being wants to get up and walk out of the room because I feel I cannot sit still and feel like everyone is watching me. This is the worst when I am in meetings with people and know that I need to sit there and can't move. I had it happen today during a meeting but was able to get through it and it only lasted about 20 minutes or so. If you have any suggestions for how to handle this I'd really appreciate it. 

 

Lastly, I didn't know if anyone knows of any meetings (online or in person) for people struggling with withdrawal. Basically AA/NA meetings but for this community of people. I would really, really like to participate in some if so. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mia1]

2 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Thanks @Mia1 I sure hope so! If you know of any other mediations that have been beneficial to you please send them along.

I’m so happy the meditation helped!! I’m going to share another one with you that really helps create the space between you and the feelings, it’s a meditation on letting go.

 

2 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

One symptom that I would like to work on reacting less to is the akathisia feeling I get when I'm in a meeting and can't get comfortable. I get that super restless inner trembling/discomfort feeling that makes me have to keep adjusting my position, crossing and uncrossing my legs (I also can't stand the feeling of clothes on my skin at this time) and feel as if all my muscles are stiff and cannot relax.

For me just acknowledging what is happening, accepting it and redirecting my focus has helped me a lot with symptoms, whatever they are. So you feel the internal shaking, it’s uncomfortable but you know you’re okay. You keep directing your focus off the thoughts and sensations and put it on whatever you’re doing in the present moment. It’s a practice for sure but if you keep doing this and don’t react it will become tolerable and lessen over time. For me, it is almost gone completely.

 

The meditations are basically a practice on how to do this in real life, it’s why I found them so helpful. I’ve been doing this for a long time and have reached a point where I don’t even refocus anymore, I let everything be exactly as it is. I found a lot of these symptoms were habits of behavior and by removing the reactivity and fear it greatly reduced or eliminated them. I still have symptoms from w/d but they no longer grab me like they used to. It can be done, the mind is very powerful!!

2 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Lastly, I didn't know if anyone knows of any meetings (online or in person) for people struggling with withdrawal. Basically AA/NA meetings but for this community of people. I would really, really like to participate in some if so. 

I know that there are online groups, I remember Alto posting one that meets through meetup. I did a quick search but couldn’t find it so maybe one of the moderators would know. I hope this helps!!

 

 

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1 I will try this mediation tonight. I listened to the chronic pain one again last night before bed and it helped relax me and I think improved my sleep a little bit. 
 

I had an ok day today but became frustrated when my new insurance company gave me the run-a-round on the phone and now I don’t know if my acupuncture will be covered anymore. I because very upset and have decided to take the rest of the day off instead of going to yoga like I normally do after work. I did call my acupuncture therapist’s office and told them I had to cancel my appointment Monday because I don’t know if I’m covered anymore and the receptionist told me she would have the woman from billing call my insurance company and speak to them herself for me. And Sarah, my acupuncture therapist said that she will still see me Monday for free either way. So this made me feel a little better. I love my acupuncture therapist and wish she was an MD or NP so that she could be my regular doctor. 
 

I also had an anxious morning (2 hours or so) at work and had the tense throat feeling and awkward breathing patterns commence, where it feels like I can’t stop focusing on my breath so much that I’m breathing abnormally and uncomfortably. Goes away as soon as I’m alone though and can relax, errrr. Just some more practice I have to work on I guess. Frustrating. I’m glad it’s the end of my work week and I have the next couple of days off. we get out at noon on Fridays in the summer so that’s nice. I feel totally spent today.
 

I’ve been searching around online to look into online meetings for withdrawal but am not having much luck either. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions please let me know because I feel that this could be really helpful for me. 

[Mia1]

 

I found the support group I was telling you about, here’s the info:

 

Here is an Antidepressant Support Group on Meetup.

 

This is run by the Global PsyMed Support Group, which offers peer support for benzo withdrawal, too. It may be reached at these links.

 

I’m so happy the meditation is helping you and it sounds like you have an amazing acupuncturist, I hope that works out for you.

 

 I’m wondering if you have breathing OCD? It seems to be pretty common in w/d. I had this and also one where I would swallow all the time. Although uncomfortable it’s completely harmless. Like all forms of anxiety once you take the fear away from it it will greatly diminish and eventually go away. Once in a while it will continue to pop up but because I don’t mind it’s gone in a blink. For me, it ALWAYS comes back to acceptance. What we resist persists, right?

 

Thanks for the update, you’ve doing a great job!!

 

 

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1 I just found that link about 10 minutes ago and have sent in a request for membership. Hopefully they are still holding meetings. 
 

Is there such a thing as breathing OCD? If there is I probably have it lol! It’s like I can’t stop

focusing on how I’m breathing so I can’t just breathe normally. Only if I’m distracted does my breathing feel normal. The doctor who put me on Prozac when I was 16 diagnosed me with OCD for being unnaturally afraid of germs and disease, and I have definitely felt very obsessive/compulsive since going into withdrawal. Often times this verges on straight paranoia. I also get songs and other phrases stuck in my head on repeat and literally feel insane. Another thing is I can’t stand the sound of my own heartbeat! It freaks me out and I can’t stop hearing it sometimes, especially when I’m trying to relax. I can’t sleep on my left side because I hate to hear/feel it beat and can’t get my mind off of it. 

Ughhh so frustrating. Like I know what I need to do. I know I need to accept and not let it scare me but I still am reactive and therefore symptomatic. I just wish knowing that these symptoms were harmless was enough to make them stop. 
 

Here’s to more practice and remaining hopeful in times of pain! 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Is there such a thing as breathing OCD?

It’s called sensorimotor OCD and it’s when you obsess over normal bodily functions such as breathing, swallowing and  blinking. Focusing on your heartbeat is one too so it does sound like maybe this is what you’re experiencing. I have very mild OCD but in w/d I have to be careful it doesn’t run wild. It’s crazy how that works. I just acknowledge it for what it is, accept it and focus back on what I’m doing. This seems to help me with literally every symptom I have. You definitely know what to do, it just takes practice.

 

Let me know what you think of the meetings, I’m curious. Have a great evening 😊

[getofflex]

On 8/6/2021 at 2:41 PM, MaryMoo429 said:

I’ve been searching around online to look into online meetings for withdrawal but am not having much luck either. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions please let me know because I feel that this could be really helpful for me. 

https://www.intherooms.com/home/

 

There are lots of 12 step type of recovery meetings here.  AA meetings go on almost all day every day.  

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1 I found a group that meets on Monday nights. I was unable to go, however due to acupuncture. I may try to check it out next week. My new insurance doesn't cover acupuncture so I'm upset about losing that service as I've found it very beneficial. Does anyone know whether or not seeing a chiropractor is ok? I'm thinking of having my doctor refer me but don't want to do anything to further upset my body (at this point it seems like just about everything has the potential to). 

 

@getofflex I'm more interested in meetings for psyche drug withdrawal as opposed to AA/NA meetings. I've been to many12 step meetings when I lived in various sober houses and used to have to go to 5+ a week. I was highly active in the community for several years but don't feel like these meetings would help with my current protracted withdrawal. I feel like this is a different beast entirely. Unfortunately. 

 

I'm curious is anyone else gets head/face/upper back-teeth pressure? I get this all the time and don't know if it is allergies or what. At night I can't even breathe through my nose. My nasal passages feel like they are swollen. It doesn't seem like allergies though as I don't sneeze or have a runny nose or watery eyes. I don't understand what this could be or if it is related to withdrawal or not? The amount of pressure in my head at most times is so uncomfortable and unsettling. Such a weird symptom that I don't feel like many other people on here have. 

 

I had a pretty awful day today but am happy I made it through another work week and can relax for a couple of days. I always feel utterly exhausted by Friday. Today my anxiety was horrible and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. The work environment makes this worse. I'm at 11 months off of my last psyche med (Lexapro) and feel just as bad as when this all started. Feeling depressed and wondering how I am going to have the strength to keep fighting this battle of something doesn't get better soon.  

[Greatful]

@MaryMoo429

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I had a pretty awful day today but am happy I made it through another work week and can relax for a couple of days.

You should be proud of yourself.  WD is exhausting all by it's self, let alone a full week at work.  I know how hard it is to work when, your brain doesn't want to work right, depression makes it hard to have any energy let alone talk to people,  well we know all about anxiety UGH.  But you did it, another week under your belt.  Someone here on SA said the days go by slowly but the weeks go by fast.  That sound about right don't you think?

 

A good place to look on here if you are wondering about WD symptoms is Symptoms & self- Care forum.  I felt a lot of relief when I found out some of my symptoms like unexplained fear, ocd,  guilt, ruminating, things from the past coming up to haunt you, brain zaps, there are tons of weird symptoms that show up in WD.   

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

head/face/upper back-teeth pressure?

 

I get numbness on the left side of my face and a soar left eye.  Head pressure is also common in WD.  

3 hours ago, MaryMoo429 said:

My nasal passages feel like they are swollen.

I also have very dry sinuses.  Some times they burn when I breath through my nose.

 

I know it is tough, and you have been at it a long time but hang in there, you are doing a great job.

You have been through so much, be kind to yourself.  Take some down time for yourself this weekend♥️

[MaryMoo429]

@Grateful thank you for the kind words. Ya sometimes my nasal passages burn as well. They were doing it last night along with the face/head/ nasal pressure feeling. 
 

Ya the work part is so difficult. I feel like I could be relatively “ok” if I didn’t have to work, but that isn’t an option for me. I wish I could just pause my life while trying to heal but I can’t. I feel I have to hide my symptoms and act as if all is well and nothing horrible is happening to me, which just adds another new layer of stress and anxiety. I feel like being at work just overloads myself nervous symptom too much. Just having to interact with different people and engage in pleasantries, etc is so anxiety provoking for me and is really, really effing hard. There’s no good answer and I feel completely out of options. I can’t imagine existing the way I am for years to come, I don’t think I will make it. 

[Mia1]

That sounds stressful, I’m sorry you have to deal with that on top of not feeling well.  I know at one point you talked about taking a leave from work, is there no way you can go on temporary disability or something similar to give yourself a break?

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1 I just started the job three weeks ago so I doubt it. I was hoping that being in a less stressful work environment would lessen my symptoms but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I really don’t know what to do. I just really feel so out of options and it’s a horrible feeling. 

[Mia1]

Temporary disability may be an option for you regardless of when you started your job, if you work with a therapist they would be able to help you with this. You may want to give it some thought, sounds like you could use the break.

[MaryMoo429]

@Mia1 Ya I could definitely use the break. I just don’t know if a month or so off would be long enough. I feel like I’m in this for the long haul so would go right back to the same thing once I returned to work. it’s something to consider and look into though. I will keep it in mind. 

[Greatful]

@MaryMoo429  

3 hours ago, Mia1 said:

go on temporary disability or something similar to give yourself a break?

I think you should look into this.  I am going to go on FMLA this fall( I have the summer off, work in  a school).  My therapist is feeling out the paper work.  You are aloud 12weeks a year in FMLA  I do have some sick time saved up so I will use that up and see how far that gets me.  I may look into disability after that if I am not ready to go back to work.  Do you have a doctor or therapist that could help you out with this?

[MaryMoo429]

@Grateful I do have a doctor who would fill this out. I actually had it in place intermittently at my last job but only used a few days here and there. I’m desperately looking for a psychiatrist or counselor who is withdrawal wise but not having much luck. I connected with Nicole from Medicating Normal and she provided me with some resources to find providers within my area but I really only found one name and have sent an email. I’m not sure if this person is even still in practice, however. I’m really looking to meet with someone in person or via zoom. 
 

I had another bad day yesterday and couldn’t leave my house or get out of bed. I also binge ate which is a behavior of mine that comes out when I’m really in a negative space. I had to miss morning yoga yesterday because I woke up with a runny nose and sneezing so I went to urgent care to get a rapid Covid test and didn’t get out of the clinic in time to make it to class (luckily the test was negative). Missing class, however, was enough to totally put me in a terrible state so I went home and then never left. Feeling very lonely, isolated and hopeless. 
 

I’m off to class now and hoping today will be better than yesterday. 

[Greatful]

@MaryMoo429

1 hour ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I had another bad day yesterday and couldn’t leave my house or get out of bed. I also binge ate which is a behavior of mine that comes out when I’m really in a negative space.

I feel your pain.  I didn't get up for the day until 11am  Laid in bed, got up a few times for meds and bathroom, just couldn't stay up.  It did feel good to finally give in and say, I don't want to force myself to do anything,  I want to just lay here.  

It's crazy how this works,  you can eat and I have no appetite.

1 hour ago, MaryMoo429 said:

I do have a doctor who would fill this out. I actually had it in place intermittently at my last job but only used a few days here and there. I’m desperately looking for a psychiatrist or counselor who is withdrawal wise but not having much luck.

My therapist is doing the paper work, unfortunately she has can't use acute drug withdrawal because she is not trained in it.  So we will have to go with mental something.  We will go over what she is going to say next week at my appt.  If at all possible it might be a good idea to for you to do, and extend it to short time disability if you need to.

 

1 hour ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Feeling very lonely, isolated and hopeless. 

I know the feeling.  Keep reaching out and talking.  Do you have any support at home with you?

 

[Greatful]

@MaryMoo429  How did your week go?

[MaryMoo429]

@Greatful Thanks for checking in. To answer your first question - I'm single and live with one roommate who "knows" what's going on with me but I don't often divulge much with him. My parent's are very supportive, especially my mom but they live in NH which is like 1hr15min from where I live in Maine. I have a few friends who are supportive too, one who I went to rehab with for the first time back in 2016 and was my roommate for 7months in a sober house. We actually went on a walk today. It's nice to vent to her because even though she hasn't experienced withdrawal from psyche meds she has from alcohol and and can relate on different levels. She also doesn't think I'm crazy when I tell her all the f'ed up stuff that I'm experiencing. I have few other friends who are supportive as well. Still, however, I often feel lonely and isolated with whats happening to me. 

 

My work week was ok. I had a bad panic attack on Monday night at the end of my yoga class, however, which really set me off. When I got to class I knew something was going to happen as the room seemed hotter than usual and I already had beads of sweat on me before the class even started. I should have held back a little but instead I went hard and overdid it. By the time we got to the yin poses at the end of class, my heart-rate would not go down and I felt so overheated and like I needed fresh air. Instead of just leaving the room I sat there and my anxiety and symptoms increased. By the time class ended I felt like I was shaking and going to have a heart attack. Pure terror. I normally take time to roll my mat up and make my way out to the lobby and then to my car but I just grabbed all my belongings chaotically, as fast as I could and ran for my car. I jumped inside and dialed my mom on the phone and just started freaking out to her. Within 5-10 minutes I was feeling better though and was able to drive home. Just getting fresh air helped along with talking to my mom. The rest of the night though my body was heightened and I had wicked bad insomnia. Due to sleeping only 2-3 hour, my next day at work was miserable and my symptoms were extreme. It took everything in me to get through the work day. I felt like I was dying all day. I slept better that night though and was not as bad the next day or for the rest of the week. 

 

Yesterday, I had pretty bad anxiety in the morning followed by depression after yoga. I feel like on my weekends I am less anxious but more depressed and angry because I reflect on my current situation and how much I hate it. I hate watching my life go by me and not being able to participate in the things that I used to because my symptoms prevent me from doing so. It's like I still have desires to do things but can't because of the awful physical and mental symptoms. Like today - all day - I've been having that constricted/tightness feeling in my throat that often makes it hard to carry on conversations because I feel like I'm winded or choking almost. It's a really uncomfortable feeling that borders on being painful. Then my mind starts downward spiraling and I wonder if maybe I had COVID back in November when this first started and I just didn't know it, but I'm someone who's having a long-haul response or whatever. Or is it a symptom of withdrawal since it coincides when all the other symptoms started. Or is it something else? I hate this so much because I can't even tell what is what anymore. Like is this feeling I'm having from withdrawal or something else? Am I in withdrawal or am I just crazy? The throat symptom is just really troublesome to me and I don't ever hear anyone else mention it -especially in relation to finding it hard to carry on a conversation without feeling like your throat is being strangled or getting winded. 

 

My weekend is over though and its back to work tomorrow... Ugh...

[Mia1]

9 minutes ago, MaryMoo429 said:

Am I in withdrawal or am I just crazy?

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time @MaryMoo429 and no, you are not crazy. I don’t even call it w/d anymore because after months of this what are we withdrawing from really? Personally I look at it like I have a temporary brain injury from rapid tapering and that is what I’m recovering from. It just seems to make more sense to me. Our brains just need time to heal.

 

I have that same exact throat tightening, it’s part of sensorimotor OCD. Check it out, it may help you.

 

 I hope you have a better week 😊