BelaLugosi: personality and spirit broken

[BelaLugosi]

Ok so, I tried to delete the november post because I was so desperate to be understood that I guess I actually sounded like a psychotic person. (But it seems like the forum settings don't allow deleting)

 

Long story short, I did get better of anhedonia and most medication symptoms the first months of 2022, when left all meds,

 

But I'm on meds again, against my own will, and believe my current diagnosis is adulterated and manipulated by my family's conversations with the doctors and they even hospitalized me forcibly.

 

It's hard to explain but they do things covert so I start to have persecutory behaviour and thats what they want the psychiatrist to see.

 

I'm suffering with the same medication symptoms and it pains me even more than having psychos as parents and family. I know it sounds crazy but they are really covert abusive and it's really looking like britney spears conservatorship thing with threats and all that.

 

Talking survivingdepressants main subjects, my libido it's not gone like the first time but my social cognition is really bad and different than when I was younger. Same complaints of the first post

 

My psychologist agrees I'm having PTSD, what could obviously allow the misdiagnosis to keep going.

I'm having nightmares, I feel death and destruction weird sensations like before.

 

I'm visualizing I can only feel good again in like 2 years, when I will be financially independent and also out of meds again.

 

I really really really hate losing my passion, joy, personality and emotions.

[BelaLugosi]

I'm coming up with a explanation and realization that the meds mess up with a mechanism that everyone have that is something like a "cognitive reflection" where you irradiate your energy in the world and is always receiving a direct and indirect feedback and reading the ambient but mostly learning your own energy.

 

What do you think

[BelaLugosi]

Hii helloo can someone give this updates a little attention

[jeffelmexicano]

16 hours ago, BelaLugosi said:

Hii helloo can someone give this updates a little attention

Hello bela 

[jeffelmexicano]

On 3/7/2023 at 5:27 PM, BelaLugosi said:

Ok so, I tried to delete the november post because I was so desperate to be understood that I guess I actually sounded like a psychotic person. (But it seems like the forum settings don't allow deleting)

 

Long story short, I did get better of anhedonia and most medication symptoms the first months of 2022, when left all meds,

 

But I'm on meds again, against my own will, and believe my current diagnosis is adulterated and manipulated by my family's conversations with the doctors and they even hospitalized me forcibly.

 

It's hard to explain but they do things covert so I start to have persecutory behaviour and thats what they want the psychiatrist to see.

 

I'm suffering with the same medication symptoms and it pains me even more than having psychos as parents and family. I know it sounds crazy but they are really covert abusive and it's really looking like britney spears conservatorship thing with threats and all that.

 

Talking survivingdepressants main subjects, my libido it's not gone like the first time but my social cognition is really bad and different than when I was younger. Same complaints of the first post

 

My psychologist agrees I'm having PTSD, what could obviously allow the misdiagnosis to keep going.

I'm having nightmares, I feel death and destruction weird sensations like before.

 

I'm visualizing I can only feel good again in like 2 years, when I will be financially independent and also out of meds again.

 

I really really really hate losing my passion, joy, personality and emotions.

Im sorry you are in this hell i totally understand . Just stop taking Meds ofc tapering off . I think this is more a forum for tapering meds and wd and not so much if you have psychosis and stuff cos ( I guess no one ) gonna tell you to take antipsychotics 

wirte me in private if you need I can give you my phone or what ever I think you have more chances than I do . 

I really do still I need to read further your case . I don’t think label in pstd and stuff is good 

write me if you need also you can write annnn too she’s nice let me know anything 

[Frogie]

@BelaLugosi

 

Can you please let me know what you need help with? 

 

When you post you have a time limit to edit/delete posts. Which post did you want deleted?

 

 

[BelaLugosi]

@Frogie i don't know, there's nothing you feel like is necessary or important to be telling me?

 

It's ok I don't wanna delete it anymore.. it can stay for someone who wants to understand it better

[Frogie]

@BelaLugosi

 

I’m sorry, I haven’t had time to read your whole page so I was asking what I could help you with?

[Altostrata]

@BelaLugosi since you're not a minor, you have the right to refuse drugs, unless you are under a court order. Are you under a court order? Do you have control over the drugs you're taking?

 

We provide peer support for going off psychiatric drugs, we're trying to figure out how to help you. If you are being forced to take drugs by a court, you have to work through your assigned doctor and the court system to get your drug regimen changed.

[manymoretodays]

Hi BelaLugosi,

You're getting read.

Plans to do more with your Seroquel now or soonish?

I'll just copy your signature so I can see it, while responding.

 

SECOND TIME USING MEDICATION

> quetiapine

09/08/22 300 mg    10/24/22  400mg    11/02/22  500mg    01/02/23  700mg  03/09  650mg

 

Is that a one time dose of quetiapine(Seroquel), or better said when do you take it?

Regular actng form or extended?

Way back when I was on quetiapine I don't think there was a extended release form.

And the highest I went was 400 mg at bedtime.

Which........made me feel crappy most of the time.  Gave me a weird sleep, after the food cravings hit.........I almost reached for cardboard to chew on, no kidding.......and when I awoke......not at all like myself, took me awhile to come to life.

 

Anyway, if your signature is up to date......that's a lot of Seroquel.  That was a year ago though from the way it reads to me.

I do see you got it down to 650 mg from 700 mg recently.

 

And again, when you can, if you have the freedom to,  it's going to be a 10% taper, or less off each previous dosage.

And here's that tapering topic too, for when it is applicable:

Tips for tapering off Seroquel(quetiapine)

 

Let us know if you are noticing anything with your recent taper.

 

On 3/7/2023 at 4:28 PM, BelaLugosi said:

I'm coming up with a explanation and realization that the meds mess up with a mechanism that everyone have that is something like a "cognitive reflection" where you irradiate your energy in the world and is always receiving a direct and indirect feedback and reading the ambient but mostly learning your own energy.

 

What do you think

 

I think okay to learn ones own energy.  If irradiate your energy means your own shine might be muffled.  Oh yes......agreed.  It's still in there Bela.  I just did a notification, so once you sign in, click on it, and it'll take you there.  Good tune for all generations for sure.

 

On 3/7/2023 at 1:27 PM, BelaLugosi said:

I'm visualizing I can only feel good again in like 2 years, when I will be financially independent and also out of meds again.

 

I really really really hate losing my passion, joy, personality and emotions.

 

I know.  There, there.  I feel a song coming on and here I'll go put it in off topic and come back and link you to it.

 

Come on, you got this.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Edited March 11, 2023 by manymoretodays

[BelaLugosi]

On 3/11/2023 at 7:55 PM, manymoretodays said:

Hi BelaLugosi,

You're getting read.

Plans to do more with your Seroquel now or soonish?

I'll just copy your signature so I can see it, while responding.

 

SECOND TIME USING MEDICATION

> quetiapine

09/08/22 300 mg    10/24/22  400mg    11/02/22  500mg    01/02/23  700mg  03/09  650mg

 

Is that a one time dose of quetiapine(Seroquel), or better said when do you take it?

Regular actng form or extended?

Way back when I was on quetiapine I don't think there was a extended release form.

And the highest I went was 400 mg at bedtime.

Which........made me feel crappy most of the time.  Gave me a weird sleep, after the food cravings hit.........I almost reached for cardboard to chew on, no kidding.......and when I awoke......not at all like myself, took me awhile to come to life.

 

Anyway, if your signature is up to date......that's a lot of Seroquel.  That was a year ago though from the way it reads to me.

I do see you got it down to 650 mg from 700 mg recently.

 

And again, when you can, if you have the freedom to,  it's going to be a 10% taper, or less off each previous dosage.

And here's that tapering topic too, for when it is applicable:

Tips for tapering off Seroquel(quetiapine)

 

Let us know if you are noticing anything with your recent taper.

 

 

I think okay to learn ones own energy.  If irradiate your energy means your own shine might be muffled.  Oh yes......agreed.  It's still in there Bela.  I just did a notification, so once you sign in, click on it, and it'll take you there.  Good tune for all generations for sure.

 

 

I know.  There, there.  I feel a song coming on and here I'll go put it in off topic and come back and link you to it.

 

Come on, you got this.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

 

Your words really made me feel better for a while.. this was special thank you

 

Yes I take 200mg extended release by the morning then 450mg bedtime regular release... yes this is third day new dose (less 50mg) because i cried to my psychiatrist, that's less than 10% so hopefully we will keep going and lowering it every appointment till i don't take it anymore

[BelaLugosi]

Man I'm having nightmares EVERY NIGHT.

[Altostrata]

You may be experiencing a few bumps from reducing your daily quetiapine dose. These should go away in a few days.

 

See Tips for tapering off quetiapine (Seroquel)

 

[BelaLugosi]

Ok

thank you

[BelaLugosi]

Had a significative window last week, felt more present, real and smart. It's gone tho, and the fact of having it then losing it makes me angry.

but I guess I have to celebrate omg. I was literally thinking about s****** few weeks ago so

[BelaLugosi]

And just to reiterate, no, I'm not psychotic. YES, it does feel like a horror movie or a britney spears conservatorship story. I'm backed up by my new avaliations tho, I will get out of this horror movie. But it may take a while

[BelaLugosi]

My self esteem is TRASH lately

[littlebird]

38 minutes ago, BelaLugosi said:

My self esteem is TRASH lately

 

Mine too! It's so hard. I've been trying to speak to myself in kinder ways, but it's easier said than done. Have you found anything that helps?

[Altostrata]

Withdrawal hits our psyches at the weak spots. Work on this, and you'll come out of the ordeal a lot stronger.

[BelaLugosi]

thank you @Altostrata.

 

@littlebird I'm so ******* codependent of my bf right now  I don't even know. I guess that's the best I can do right now

[BelaLugosi]

Update: I'm having a numbness in the skin of my right leg, since last  sunday (5 days now). Really weird. My psychologist is worried. The psychiatrist is not so worried. I guess I'll have to go to a neurologist?

Also lowered my dose from 650 to 600 yesterday.

 

Also my thoughts are really weird, I feel like I'm finally going crazy after my psychopatic family saying I'm crazy so many times.

 

Sometimes I am worried that all the anedhonia is actually trauma and ptsd and not medicine but I don't think like that most of the time. I'm usually confident that I need to stop this meds 

[BelaLugosi]

Almost a whole month with this weeeeird numbness! I felt pain the first time in both legs yesterday. I wasn't feeling any pain before. It's a kind of pain i've never felt before, it's not muscular. So it's probably a vascular problem. But i'm skinny and young,  no motive for it, thats ***** up..

 

Reduced my dose again, 600 to 550 saying to the psychiatrisc I NEEEED to stop the meds but he wouldn't accept to make the 10% every 2 weeks plan of action with me. I need him to agree with me  and can't do it without his support.. mostly because of my family 

 

Had some little bit of windows tho the last days in my new internship.. now I have a good motive to stay away narcisisistic parents until I make my own money.. also night terrors got better.. thank God. I pray a lot too

[BelaLugosi]

Update.. my leg numbness got better. But emotionally tho... I'm a wreck

I can't stand it anymore.

It's nor the first, neither the second, or third time my mother says something to me that reveals that shes been listening to my private conversations, I don't know how, dont know if she hacked my phone or has cameras in the apartment. I can't tell anyone because it sound like a psychotic paranoid thought and I also feel violated and terrible twice, it's a perfect combo to make you wish you were dead. Whenever she talk to me or call I appear calm but then I turn off the phone and cry and scream really loud and feel like dying. It's vile. Malevolant. That's evil for the sake of evil. Or, this is kind of a plan that I incriminate myself before I get better and leave this place. My life is in pieces. Me and my boyfriend fight a lot too. Don't know if I'll be able to make it. Looking forward to lower my dose more 50mg in this friday appointment but not even this is certain

 

I'm so strong for still being here man

[BelaLugosi]

I promise to get my first tattoo if it really really get better after I go off all meds

[BelaLugosi]

I promise to get my first tattoo if it really really get better after I go off all 

[Lorenzo]

Hello,

 

Wrote on the search engine 'lost sense of reality' and you came up ( just finding comfort in other peoples suffering, another way of saying happy im not the only one, or am I?). Read your introduction and it was tempting. Don't know how many times I've written this message but thats my day to day. Everything I do feels like I've done it before. Makes life seem fake, untrue, artificial, Alice in wonderland. For me the upside to that story is that she knew she was in a different place, I dont. Feel caged in a closed time loop and hoping for a way out. I hope back to my Creator. It's been a long journey for me and I'm tired. I'm still here and pushed forward by God and He only knows why. I'll be around until God calls me. Thank you for your introduction and may you recover God willingly.  Either way it is not without purpose.

 

Take care and God bless you.

 

P.S. Suggest you read the poem called 'The Book of Thel' by William Blake if you want to. 

[BelaLugosi]

Hi, I have news and some questions!

 

I moved out from my parents apartment this weekend (woohooo) to a coliving 

And said to them I'm now responsible for my finances

This means nobody can even try to force me to take meds.

My boyfriend is helping my financially till I get a little better and get a full time job

 

So I am really hoping to get better as I take off my medicine

 

Here are my questions

I've always had 200mg gradual release pills in the morning and the rest of the dose before sleep, so it's always more mg at night since it has been always more than 400mg total. How would that be when I start to take less than 400mg total? Should I lower the 200mg morning dose or divide it equally or what?

[BelaLugosi]

@Frogie @Altostrata

[BelaLugosi]

Guys can somebody put some light in this question? Because I want to go 15 to 15 days and go off the meds as soon as possible and for that I have to buy the right amount of all doses

 

Also the gradual release pills are more  expensive, so..

[Altostrata]

@BelaLugosi What times o'clock do you take your drugs, with their dosages?

[BelaLugosi]

8 AM 200mg > gradual release

 

10:30 PM 250mg > imediate release

[Altostrata]

Might you disclose to what drugs this schedule refers?

[BelaLugosi]

15 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Might you disclose to what drugs this schedule refers?

 

Ofc, I'm only taking seroquel (quetiapine)

[Altostrata]

On 7/19/2023 at 4:31 PM, BelaLugosi said:

Because I want to go 15 to 15 days and go off the meds as soon as possible and for that I have to buy the right amount of all doses

 

Please explain what you mean.

 

You might consider gradually replacing quetiapine XR with immediate-release quetiapine by 50mg at a time, combining tablet sizes.

[BelaLugosi]

On 7/17/2023 at 12:29 PM, BelaLugosi said:

Here are my questions

I've always had 200mg gradual release pills in the morning and the rest of the dose before sleep, so it's always more mg at night since it has been almost always more than 400mg total (I don't remember how It was divided the first month). How would that be when I start to take less than 400mg total? Should I lower the 200mg morning dose or divide it equally or what?

 

[BelaLugosi]

@Altostrata I quoted it above because maybe you haven't seen the post before the one I'm calling you