starlitegirlx: slowly tapered off Imipramine

[Barbarannamated]

The amount of klonopin I use to deal with the withdrawal is a lot less than when I first went off the imprimaine after the taper, and symptoms have improved gradually, very gradually, only I'm starting to wonder what the point of all of it is. I just feel so utterly pointless in my existence. I have for a while. My way to get through the day is TV, reading, video games. That's the pointless existence of my life. I used to go to the gym but a stress triggered illness some years back stole that pleasure from me and I've never gotten into it since. Not like I was then. And it was really a healthy outlet.

 

Do you ever ask yourself why even bother? Why even care? Why even try? Then hope death comes quickly. I look around at the lives I see other people having and they're actually living them and experiencing them. I can only remember experiencing my life some years ago. This whole depression thing tore through my life and took experiences from me. I learned to live smaller with buddhist practices and acceptance of life as is but then something else (an autoimmune disease, very painful at the time brought on by stress) tore through my life and made it even smaller. Now it's withdrawal and it's about as small as it's been since I've lived on this planet. Yes, I hope it will pass and that I will be able to return to things I enjoy that I haven't been able to do in ages. Of course, hope feels like the carrot on a stick waved in front of the horse at the track to keep them going in cicles and never getting a taste of the actual carrot. Like a mirage in the desert.

 

I'm so bored with life. Thank God for TV shows I love (even and especially reruns that I can return to every few years), and for a few video games I have that I haven't lost love for entirely. But that's like repeating the same day over and over, like the movie groundhog day, only there's no changes or improvements in any way to who I am or how I use those days because of limitations.

 

Had I have never been born, I'd have missed nothing. That's how I feel. And I wish it were the case, but it's not so I have to go through this stupid withdrawal that isn't even something I intentionally did. None of us did. It was inflicted upon us with lies and greed. Not so much for me given I was not taking an SSRI due to total incompatibility with my system. It was like I experienced the withdrawal type symptoms upon taking it and therefore couldn't take it. Thank god for small favors.

 

I'm so tired. Really, really tired. exhausted with life. Exhausted with having to continually accept the unacceptable. And it really is unacceptable. It really, really is. And there has been too much of it along the way. Too many unacceptables that I've accepted and come to peace with over the years. It feels more like war than life.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I'm really tired of keeping that inside me. I just want out of this whole thing but I don't have the ability to act on suicide, like something keeps me from it, some awareness or something like that - that I have to keep going no matter how tired I am, no matter how pointless it seems. I don't even know why or where it comes from. It's not like a strength. It's more like I just know I can't stop until it's time for my life to come to whatever end is in store for me. But I just don't even care or try anymore. Life smacked that right out of me long ago.

 

I really could have done without the withdrawal taking away what little I feel I had left.

 

Starlitegirlx,

 

This post said it all for me. I have these thoughts constantly. "Life has been looong....going so slowly.... can we just be done with it already...nothing really horrid, but nothing good or remotely interesting ... futile... no intent to end it but no desire to go on..."

 

I saw that Sparrow "got it", too. Her posts and those of a few others always resonate with me.

 

I'm sorry I didnt see this earlier. Your description of hope being the carrot is perfect. Like a mirage on the desert.

 

I'm still reading through. Just wanted to respond to this post. It really touched me.

 

EDIT: I just saw your latest entry about your mother. I hesitate to say "I undrrstand" because we can never truly undrrstand another's feelings, but this sure hits home, too. I discussed my family in the Toxic Family thread. It's so messed up that it feels like death (theirs) is the only end to the misery. My mother did die in July and I feel very little, some relief. She was miserable both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry you have these feelings, too. I hope it helps just a little to know you're not alone.

 

Thank you for your honestly. I have nobody who understands.

 

Hang in there.

 

B

[Barbarannamated]

Just read in Neuroemotion the extent of your mother's aggression, for lack of a better descriptor. Wow. You are so correct that there's something fiercely wrong with her and how she bashes through your boundaries. She has no respect for you as an adult. I would be smashing objects, too.

 

Has she been in therapy? Together? I'm stunned, truly. Her behavior is combative, IMO. I would definitely lock her out. She has zero respect for emotional/personal boundaries, so a physical barrier is necessary. Or a restraining order..? Although that would limit all contact and I dont know if that's your goal.

 

I'm so sorry for the distress she's causing you. Is there anyplace you can go for awhile just to get through this time? I don't believe it's "right" to need to leave your own home, but to get away from stressors of that magnitude may be worth it. Getting away was a good thing for me.

 

My heart is with you.

 

B

[starlitegirlx]

Starlitegirlx,

 

This post said it all for me. I have these thoughts constantly. "Life has been looong....going so slowly.... can we just be done with it already...nothing really horrid, but nothing good or remotely interesting ... futile... no intent to end it but no desire to go on..."

 

I saw that Sparrow "got it", too. Her posts and those of a few others always resonate with me.

 

I'm sorry I didnt see this earlier. Your description of hope being the carrot is perfect. Like a mirage on the desert.

 

I'm still reading through. Just wanted to respond to this post. It really touched me.

 

EDIT: I just saw your latest entry about your mother. I hesitate to say "I undrrstand" because we can never truly undrrstand another's feelings, but this sure hits home, too. I discussed my family in the Toxic Family thread. It's so messed up that it feels like death (theirs) is the only end to the misery. My mother did die in July and I feel very little, some relief. She was miserable both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry you have these feelings, too. I hope it helps just a little to know you're not alone.

 

Thank you for your honestly. I have nobody who understands.

 

Hang in there.

 

B

 

Actually, anyone here who writes that they understand is someone who does truly understand. Maybe not all the specifics but the path we walk is similar enough that it is fair to say that enough understanding exists among us who are undergoing this withdrawal and the horrors of it.

 

I would say that I understand if it would comfort you, but I don't know if it would trigger you for me to say that. So in a broader sense, I empathize with you and understand how difficult it is for you and in some ways I do understand some specific forms of your suffering as we've both lived through them. More importantly than understanding is caring. I care that you suffer. I wish you not to suffer. You, as well, are not alone.

[starlitegirlx]

Just read in Neuroemotion the extent of your mother's aggression, for lack of a better descriptor. Wow. You are so correct that there's something fiercely wrong with her and how she bashes through your boundaries. She has no respect for you as an adult. I would be smashing objects, too.

 

Has she been in therapy? Together? I'm stunned, truly. Her behavior is combative, IMO. I would definitely lock her out. She has zero respect for emotional/personal boundaries, so a physical barrier is necessary. Or a restraining order..? Although that would limit all contact and I dont know if that's your goal.

 

I'm so sorry for the distress she's causing you. Is there anyplace you can go for awhile just to get through this time? I don't believe it's "right" to need to leave your own home, but to get away from stressors of that magnitude may be worth it. Getting away was a good thing for me.

 

My heart is with you.

 

B

 

The strange thing is that despite her actions, I don't take them as aggressive but as a person who is scared and lost and lonely and needs something, anything even if it's the threat against her. She is not combative physically, but there is an element of seeking combat. She wants something there, to trigger me? To be threatened? I don't know? There is something very wrong in her and I suspect it's that she loves the drama. All the main drama that was prevalent in her life previously has diminished and she thrives on it whereas I thrive on peace and quite and desire no form of combat or altercation of any sort. I would lock myself in a room forever to avoid such things as they are destructive to me. This sort of behavior doesn't trigger loneliness in me as I've had enough with people and them behaving in ways that trigger me. I find most of them ignorant and self-involved and generally only concerned for themselves. So there is comfort in locking myself in my room rather than loneliness. Venturing out into the world changes nothing for me. It's not as if I'll meet some husband or have any sort of experience that would change anything on a level that would matter. So I stay in my room because it's where I find peace and can get through the days until I die. To me, it's not grim. It's my reality and barring winning a lottery which would only afford me a nicer home in a nicer location with an assistant to do things for me when I cannot and perhaps down the line when I am fully recovered some traveling, there is nothing that would actually change. I'd still live as I do now because with my life and what I have to contend with, there are few options.

 

I do believe I will get a lock for my door tomorrow so she cannot pull her behaviors anymore and so I can just say "not now, not today. I'm coping and you threaten that. I will be fine as long as you leave me alone." With both our names on the deed, I am certain there's no way she can keep me from putting a lock on my door. Legally, it is my house as well, and so I can do this. When she called the police years ago, my name wasn't on the house. The cop was a jerk and I was told or manipulated into removing the lock from the door. However, the police cannot interfere in me having a lock on a door in a home I am on the deed to and my mother cannot get a lawyer to intercede as i can threaten to force a sale which would cause her to back off. Yesterday was final straw. She proved for the last time that she has no respect for me or my needs. She doesn't attempt to understand and belittles how I suffer by saying she understands because she suffers because she sees me suffering - as all mothers do. Eh, F off. She'd be dead if she had to go through what I'm going through. So to the hardware store tomorrow and I'll just tell her it's so I don't lose it on the days she forgets or doesn't realize it's a truly bad day for me or for when I don't want to have conversations with her since she has no right to force me to listen to her whining by standing in my doorway. In other words, leave me alone. I'm tired of your nonsense. I've got bigger problems than some arthritis at the age of 76. I don't even know if I'll make it to 76 and frankly I hope I don't.

 

Of course, all sorts of drama will likely ensue from me placing a lock on my door because she cannot tolerate such things being as controlling as she is, but what can she do? Honestly, I'm tried of losing it because she blocks my door and won't go when I say leave half the time. So if she pushes it, I have no problem with suicide as harsh as it sounds. If I am not allowed even the simple need of coping in the way I need to cope without someone triggering me, then I choose to no longer exist. there's a limit. That is mine.

[starlitegirlx]

I tried to put a lock on my bedroom door and couldn't due to my withdrawal. I asked my mom to call the handyman to do it and she refused. I'm lost as to what I should do and I'm feeling scared and vulnerable given these kinds of controlling behaviors (I am also on the deed to this house yet she refuses to allow me a lock on my door? WTH?!?!) were what made my illness much worse two decades ago. I just want to be able to keep her out and away. She takes far too much privilege in coming into my room when I don't want her too. She knocks on the door and I say what and then she's there for a while with me telling her I don't want to hear whatever nonsense she's droning on about. I can't handle it. Finally she goes. She thinks I care or is so pathetically desperate to talk that she doesn't get that I can't listen and don't want to listen. She eavesdrops. She lies. She manipulates. She controls. She is the worst mother I could imagine for someone like me, just decent enough to present well to others but dig some, or dig more than some and you'll start seeing things are very wrong.

 

I made the mistake of tipping my hand that by having my name on the deed to the house I co-own it. Legally. She never realized that and I've never done anything with it, but now that she knows, she'll start something on it, whatever it is, i don't know. All I wanted was a lock on my door to protect myself from her. Not even a big thing. Just a thing. Something I needed after the other day that she can't give. I feel like I have one more nail in my coffin. It makes me sad that she put it there. All I know is this withdrawal better start winding down because I've had all I can take of all of it. I don't think I have it in me to survive much longer when even the smallest requests to someone who proclaims to love you gets a flat out no. I could put the lock on my door anyway, but she'd have it removed. That's how she is. So that forces civil action, and I'm on SSDI, while she has money from my uncle whom she was horrible to that got passed onto my dad whom she was horrible to and now it gives her power. I live in a hoard house full of crap she bought that will never use. Called the dept of elderly affairs and they supposedly came over and called her a collector. WTH?

[Shanti]

They make those little flip locks that are very easy to install. You don't need a new doorknob. The flip locks only lock from the inside. In an emergency they can be opened from the outside with a serrated knife or with force, as they're not as strong as other kinds.

 

Starlite nothing is going to help you or change, unless you accept that she is mentally ill and incapable of being a good mother. We have to accept that we can't change people. Remove expectations.

 

[starlitegirlx]

They make those little flip locks that are very easy to install. You don't need a new doorknob. The flip locks only lock from the inside. In an emergency they can be opened from the outside with a serrated knife or with force, as they're not as strong as other kinds.

 

Starlite nothing is going to help you or change, unless you accept that she is mentally ill and incapable of being a good mother. We have to accept that we can't change people. Remove expectations.

 

 

I accepted that many years ago. I just don't feel I can live with it and everything else and under the same roof. They say God never gives us more than we can handle. I fear god has made an error in judgment this time. Whether it be in what I can handle or what I'm willing to handle given the crappy situation I am in and no viable way out of all the parts that suck. Yes, there has been a major error in judgment this time. I could not handle this withdrawal. I was barely getting by before. Now the withdrawal which triggers my mother's total crazy controlling reemergence. All I want is out. This is way too hard and way too much drama for me to cope with. She wants to replace my lamp that I smashed (it was a beautiful tiffany lamp and I loved it because I bought it with my hard earned money that was hard to earn part time w/ my illness and it was the only beautiful thing I've ever owned that I bought. My brother once said that I don't need anything nice when referring to what I would get when my mother dies before she put my name on the house. It appears he was right. There's just no way any of this ends well. It's going to continue to be a crappy existence. No matter how I look at it, more suffering is in store. I see all the possibilitites and each one sucks equally.

[Shanti]

Things will change when you change, on the inside. And this in no way means that I think you're doing anything wrong. But you live in a situation that obviously isn't normal, it's psychotic and disfunctional. I was where you are now, trapped. There is truth in the philosophy that your situation will change in ways that you didn't know were possibilities when you heal yourself. I don't mean healing your w/d. Have you ever heard of Ho'oponopono? It's an old Hawaiian healing and conflict resolution philosophy that operates on these four principles when you can't change a situation. You don't have to feel these things and mean them, fake it if you have to. It's "I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, thank you". When you can't change someone else, you own THEIR behavior as your own and forgive yourself. It's a process of release. It will heal your situation. You can't see what the opportunities for change are, but something will change. Your experience will change and you'll be changed. This is why the philosophy of radical forgiveness is important for these situations. It frees yourself and ultimately rearranges the universe to change your situation. I know you've had spiritual experience and have spiritual understandings. Until you truly forgive, unconditionally, the opportunity for change in circumstances won't appear to you in this reality. I know you will say to me something like "I've tried it", or "I have forgiven" "I have surrendered". But I can tell that there is still lack of understanding and forgiveness. Understanding only comes after forgiveness. The act of forgiveness gives you grant of understanding that you had no clue about before. Both understanding and forgiveness are like a paradox. One won't come without the other. You have to forgive without understanding in order to gain understanding that will ultimately grant you freedom with TRUE forgiveness. Remember that forgiveness is only for you, to free yourself. I'm being blunt with you and I hope you forgive me. But I can tell that you haven't tried these things because you are defensive about even suggestions and indicate your desire for her to be something other than what she is and are saying with ceraintly that there is no way out unless she changes.. Drastic times call for drastic measures. This situation can heal, Starlite. It can change. This will free you from a karmic entanglement and only then will your circumstances change.

[Shanti]

I can give you an example of the Understanding and Forgiveness relationship. You mentioned that your mom rewrites history. When I gave you a short explanation of how and why they do that, did you know this before I told you? When you have understanding, you are able to forgive more truly. The fact that people with mental illness experience a different realtiy than you, and how they manage to do that, can free you from confusion, your own doubts about your perceptions of reality, and see that it's not their fault. They are unable to recall incidents based on solid facts, but only on emotional feelings they had during that event. It is very true to them. They aren't lying on purpose. More understandings of the situation and behavior comes, and the more you understand, the easier it is to forgive. When more comes, you will not only truly forgive, but you will cry in sympathy for your mother's pain. It becomes a spiral of Understanding leading to Forgiveness and Forgiveness leading to more Understanding. But it has to start with owning it so you can heal it, and forgive even if you don't understand yet. Like I said, this is the way out of the karmic entanglement that will cause the universe to rearrange your whole situation and give you more options and control of your life. Do all you can to gain understanding and forgive.

[starlitegirlx]

Things will change when you change, on the inside. And this in no way means that I think you're doing anything wrong. But you live in a situation that obviously isn't normal, it's psychotic and disfunctional. I was where you are now, trapped. There is truth in the philosophy that your situation will change in ways that you didn't know were possibilities when you heal yourself. I don't mean healing your w/d. Have you ever heard of Ho'oponopono? It's an old Hawaiian healing and conflict resolution philosophy that operates on these four principles when you can't change a situation. You don't have to feel these things and mean them, fake it if you have to. It's "I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, thank you". When you can't change someone else, you own THEIR behavior as your own and forgive yourself. It's a process of release. It will heal your situation. You can't see what the opportunities for change are, but something will change. Your experience will change and you'll be changed. This is why the philosophy of radical forgiveness is important for these situations. It frees yourself and ultimately rearranges the universe to change your situation. I know you've had spiritual experience and have spiritual understandings. Until you truly forgive, unconditionally, the opportunity for change in circumstances won't appear to you in this reality. I know you will say to me something like "I've tried it", or "I have forgiven" "I have surrendered". But I can tell that there is still lack of understanding and forgiveness. Understanding only comes after forgiveness. The act of forgiveness gives you grant of understanding that you had no clue about before. Both understanding and forgiveness are like a paradox. One won't come without the other. You have to forgive without understanding in order to gain understanding that will ultimately grant you freedom with TRUE forgiveness. Remember that forgiveness is only for you, to free yourself. I'm being blunt with you and I hope you forgive me. But I can tell that you haven't tried these things because you are defensive about even suggestions and indicate your desire for her to be something other than what she is and are saying with ceraintly that there is no way out unless she changes.. Drastic times call for drastic measures. This situation can heal, Starlite. It can change. This will free you from a karmic entanglement and only then will your circumstances change.

 

Please stop. I changed and have been changing for 20 years. My relationship with my mother was going well due to my changing. She did nothing. I changed. ME ALL ME. Not one bit of her. ALL ME!!! When the withdrawal started it threw her back to 20 years ago and all my changes in ME could not compensate for her reactions which were unhealthy to put it mildly. I can change as much as I can, but she is still going to be who she is and when I am in a diminished capacity to remain the changed person I became due to neuro whatever, then she takes over and hell is on the horizon. I forgave plenty and all things. You do not know me. You do not know the extent of who I am. You are writing with a total lack of information regarding the situation with my mom, which was fine and even good until withdrawal where she hung on as best as she could but time wore her down and controlling behavior took over. I am not leaving because it is my home and I have nowhere else to go. i have looked. Having a home in my name doesn't help unless I try to sell it from under her and leave her in a bad situation which out of love I would never do.

 

I'll forgive you for you bluntness this time, but you really don't know enough about my history and how I have worked at my relationship with my mother for 20 years including three years of helping her while she could barely walk which cost me greatly healthwise. GREATLY. I let go of all the old stuff then because it was the only option that made sense to me. I cannot change her. i can only change me and in changing me the world mirrors my changes.

 

For the record, by letting go of it all and reconnecting with the peaceful warrior I am, it managed to swing my mom toward calling the handyman to place the lock on my door as well as her stating how she doesn't like if it's locked and I don't answer. Then there was room for discussion. Her fear that I will be dead from suicide behind that door. Air was cleared. She can get in if I don't answer to check on me but had best be quick to not disturb me if I am resting and also that i always do answer so the fear, while based in a possible reality was an extreme one that is now hopefully put to rest. She will never change. She will only mirror me the best she can. The world is a glass house... mirrors are everywhere. We just don't recognize them.

 

Also, I have true understanding. I forgive very truly. But that doesn't mean that I am not allowed to be angry and to expect that at some point find the capability to heed to a simple request such as a lock on a door after an extreme situation such as the other day. Mentally ill is not an excuse to be a selfish idiot. It is not an excuse to do whatever you feel like with no concern for other people's needs or feelings. I am mentally ill and I do not behavior in such ways. Plenty of mentally ill people do not behave in such ways. Let's not make excuses for them. It give a bad rap to all of us when we do. And she is not psychotic. I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and worked with mentally ill adults, mostly psychotic schizophrenics for over a decade. I know what psychotic is. She is not psychotic. That label needs to be used wisely and cautiously or else those who use it are no better than the pez candy psych drug pushing idiot drone toolish doctors that led us to this forum.

[Shanti]

Since you posted this situation in three different topics, (That I saw) I thought it was for the purpose to get suggestions with other people. I see it wasn't. Of course I will stop. I had absolutely no intention of making you feel defensive. I will say this, none of my comments were at all, in any way offensive or accusing. Nor were they presumptuous.

 

Also, you asked me to stop then proceeded to talk more. But I assume you aren't wanting a discussion? Blessing to you Starlite.

[Shanti]

I'm sorry, but just your "I'll forgive you this time", and the way you are talking to me is extremely combative and offensive. I'll be avoiding your posts here. I don't need this and I don't come to this group for abuse.

[Shanti]

Listen Starlite. There is no reason for there to be any hard feelings here. I was sincere in my desire to help you. My intentions were not hostile or to accuse you of anything. I want you to know that I don't think now, nor did I in any of my posts, that you have not made changes within yourself or tried to change the situation or forgiven. I also didn't claim to know you, or what you have tried or didn't try for the situation. All I wanted to do was give you a different view with different strategies that you MAY not have tried or thought of. From my own unique perspective. It's totally okay with me if you don't agree or if you've tried the things I've said. I never said any of these things with the thought in my head that you must not know anything or haven't tried anything. I also never once said it's no okay to be angry (like you implied I said). My intentions were MORE than benevolent. I spent a lot of energy and time to offer my thoughts to your posts and situation. If you don't like what I said that is okay. But you are very wrong about my intentions and come to the wrong conclusions about nearly everything I have said. We're all in withdrawals here. I'm just going to let it go and I now know not to offer any suggestions to your situations at all from now on. I won't feel bad and I won't let this change my desire to help others. But you are wrong in thinking that I said you haven't changed or that you've done anything wrong at all. I have no hard feelings and hope everything turns out okay for you.

[starlitegirlx]

I'm sorry, but just your "I'll forgive you this time", and the way you are talking to me is extremely combative and offensive. I'll be avoiding your posts here. I don't need this and I don't come to this group for abuse.

 

I am sorry. I didn't mean to come off as combative. I am tense from this topic and your post triggered me to feel like I am at fault. This is why I responded as i did. You'd have to understand the years I put into making it a better relationship with my mother and how often I felt utterly unloved and basically like an orphan between my mom and my brother. I was good to both of them. I did my best.

 

Also, I was really just looking to vent. I generally resolve things on my own as best as I can. I responded as I did because I was in a place of combat against my mother and then having to read what felt like it was putting it on my shoulders when I was the only one who ever tried to forgive or make things better around here. I gave up trying to change her ages ago. But no matter what I do, it seems I'm always at fault and wrong and in need of changing myself even more. How does that not drive me to my end? I am sorry. In the future, should you choose to reply to my posts, please avoid advise particularly advice that means I have to do something to make things better or change things because i've done that for two decades and gotten nowhere.

 

Again, I am sorry. I am stretched to my limit and struggling with my mother, withdrawal and all sorts of other things including whether of not I am going to just give up completely. Forgive me for being hurtful to you. I didn't mean to. I just felt anger at the thought or implication that I had to fix this or do something more when I am least able to these days and when it was not my fault the situation happened. being manipulated or aiming for boundaries against manipulation one's whole life from their mother tends to make the topic a very live wire. You got caught in the crossfire without realizing what a minefield it was. I am very sorry you were damaged in anyway. I truly am.

[Shanti]

Then it was simply a misunderstanding of why you were posting. I see now that it was just venting. I won't offer advice about your relationship with your mother. I know it is probably very painful to experience. While I've been through a lot, I've not had this situation with my mom. So I can see how that would be very hard to deal with. So, I am sorry for misunderstanding. We'll get through these withdrawals. It sure is hell. But it will pass

[starlitegirlx]

Listen Starlite. There is no reason for there to be any hard feelings here. I was sincere in my desire to help you. My intentions were not hostile or to accuse you of anything. I want you to know that I don't think now, nor did I in any of my posts, that you have not made changes within yourself or tried to change the situation or forgiven. I also didn't claim to know you, or what you have tried or didn't try for the situation. All I wanted to do was give you a different view with different strategies that you MAY not have tried or thought of. From my own unique perspective. It's totally okay with me if you don't agree or if you've tried the things I've said. I never said any of these things with the thought in my head that you must not know anything or haven't tried anything. I also never once said it's no okay to be angry (like you implied I said). My intentions were MORE than benevolent. I spent a lot of energy and time to offer my thoughts to your posts and situation. If you don't like what I said that is okay. But you are very wrong about my intentions and come to the wrong conclusions about nearly everything I have said. We're all in withdrawals here. I'm just going to let it go and I now know not to offer any suggestions to your situations at all from now on. I won't feel bad and I won't let this change my desire to help others. But you are wrong in thinking that I said you haven't changed or that you've done anything wrong at all. I have no hard feelings and hope everything turns out okay for you.

 

Sorry. I was so caught up in this whole thing where I'm just looking for peace that my brain was not capable of comprehending your post. It was basically a lot of words and some words were like bold seared into my brain. Others got lost in the mix because of what i'm going through emotionally and with the withdrawal. I know you meant well and the instant I read your post about not needing the abuse I felt awful.

 

Truth is, I don't want to try anymore. I don't care anymore. 20 years is my limit, you know? I love my mom but I don't really care anymore about how this situation continues so long as she stays away from me. that's why I wanted the lock on the door. Does that make sense? I don't have a way to get out of here, and I've discovered the best way to get through it is to avoid her completely or as much as possible, but because i've been basically bedridden due to withdrawal stuff (dizziness, inability to walk much, etc) she's been at my door a lot and it's been a no escape for me because now she's in my space where she wasn't before. And she's got an excuse coupled with her fear I'll kill myself. Not an invalid fear. But not my problem since I am doing my best to survive and I've got her in my face way more than i can handle these days.

 

I know you meant well. I get that. I truly do. I guess I should have made it clear that I'm done trying to fix something that cannot be fixed. The only way it will be fixed is by almighty intervention because I'm done and she's never thought there was anything wrong other than me not behaving according to whatever guide she's got in her head. Here's a hint: She loves dolls! LOVES THEM! They sit and look pretty and don't talk back and don't require attention of any sort. They are her children and she cherishes them more than people. I speak. I eat. I have boundaries. I move around the house in ways that don't work for her since dolls, which are the perfect children, never get in the way, never move, never eat, never do anything but sit and look pretty. That's what I'm up against. A mother who wants a doll for a child but instead got a mentally ill daughter who is now 44 with a mind of her own and would appreciate privacy, respect and some space in a hoard house.

 

I hope none of this comes off as me being mean or rude or anything. It's me telling it as it has been and as it continues to be. I am only relevant to her on some level that I'm not quite clear about. Perhaps some core motherly love. Perhaps because she's catholic and suicide would be really horrible. I don't really know and don't even really care since I just want to steer clear of her since fixing things is not possible. I'm not being callous, it's just the cold hard facts of my life and living here with my mother. If I could afford to move, I would, but I cannot. SSDI wouldn't cover what I need to survive. I have actually considered living on the streets at times. *sigh* but avoiding her generally works perfectly except the withdrawal forced us into far more contact than either of us can handle.

 

Again, I know you meant well and I am deeply sorry for any pain I caused.

[Shanti]

That is very insightful about the symbolism of her doll fetish and how she is treating you.

 

I was angry at first so "abuse" was an exaggeration. I'm sorry. I'm totally fine. Also, looking back I don't know why I kept pushing when you were in fact giving some indication that you didn't want advice but to vent. Maybe we both needed to have a fuse blown here? lol.

 

I think you mentioned she hoards. My dad is like that, to the extreme. He has two acres completely, and dangerously, filled with junk. Apparently no one can walk through the house, and he won't let us in to see. My mom had to move out because of it. Which worked out fine for me. She moved into a home they used to rent out, and so now that gives me a place to live. As I could never live with my dad.

 

So anyway, feel free to vent here. I'll just listen

[starlitegirlx]

Then it was simply a misunderstanding of why you were posting. I see now that it was just venting. I won't offer advice about your relationship with your mother. I know it is probably very painful to experience. While I've been through a lot, I've not had this situation with my mom. So I can see how that would be very hard to deal with. So, I am sorry for misunderstanding. We'll get through these withdrawals. It sure is hell. But it will pass

 

You meant well and that means a great deal. I'm sorry I upset you. You are caring. That much is clear. This internet thing makes it hard to know when someone wants advice or is just venting. In my case, given that I'm done trying to deal with her and choosing to lock my door to keep her away, it was just venting. Thanks though for trying to help. The intention is appreciated. Very much. It shows you care and I can use that these days.

 

yes, we will get through these withdrawals though at times I'm afraid i won't.

[Shanti]

Twice I said I'd let it be. My intuition was telling me to do so. I think I know now why I was so wrapped up in fixing your situation. It's just very similar to mine and it was very hard. Still healing many wounds from it. So really, I think I was trying to fix myself. 20 years of trying to fix something like that is exhausting, especially when you've tried and tried. Well just know you can share it all here and get it out. I think that's therapeutic anyway.

[Shanti]

Hang in there. You'll get through. It helps me to read success stories. I have some at my website if you want to check it out.

[starlitegirlx]

Hang in there. You'll get through. It helps me to read success stories. I have some at my website if you want to check it out.

 

I read some of them but they are a different drug that was taken for less that 16 years in most cases.

 

While the imipramine isn't a straight out SSRI, it has that component in it, so I don't know what kind of damage was done. I try to focus on the fact that I'm getting better very slowly. That I didn't come off perfectly without issues, for some reason, actually makes me feel a little better about my withdrawal. Like it has be a slow process of recovery and that I backslide here and there for a few days helps me think that maybe since it's not a straight line, it means my brain and CNS is recovering as I go and I won't get stuck in the horror scenario of never fully recovering or having protracted withdrawal down the line when I think I'm clear and free of it.

 

Reading the thread on Shipko's comments and behaviors toward patients didn't really help. 7 years as an estimate for some is insane and wow! Fact is that I just don't know how this is going to play out and I'm only 3 months into my full withdrawal of the imipramine. Yes, I've improved vastly in some ways, but the things that linger are things that are just enough to leave me debilitated or limited to a great degree. Even then, with full recovery, I'm still living a life I find useless to me. It feels like a total waste and like I'm just here waiting to die. So even recovery isn't a guarantee of my survival. Not if it stays the same it has been, me living in this one room, no life to speak of, waiting to die more than actually living. Passing time so I can get to the end. Recovery doesn't change any of that. It doesn't make anything different that I want to be different. I'm still doing without and learning to do without more on a regular basis depending on whatever it is that comes along that i have to learn to do without. Hopes. Dreams. Desires. Good health. Well being. contentment...

 

I'm tired of the whole experience. i don't want it anymore. I don't have any fight left in me to move forward. I'm at that point where it doesn't matter to me. It really doesn't. Death is preferable since I have no reason to live, but it seems the universe refuses to give me that freedom, so I I am stuck here unless I take action to leave. And given my unhealthy living situation, it just makes it all the worse. The crazy woman that is my mother that I live with due to lack of options is just another form of torment to me. Sometimes she's okay, but other times, I wonder how the hell this became my existence and what I did to earn it, you know?

 

Yesterday when i was crying, my best friend was convinced it was depression because of my history. I hate having to explain that there's nothing medical about this depression and that it's not due to anything but withdrawal and circumstances. She's accepted I'll kill myself. I see it in her face. She says one can't judge another if they kill themselves because you can't know another person's suffering. It's like she's paving the way and even preparing herself. Being as tired as I am doesn't help. This whole existence is exhausting.

 

I'm on the one day at a time plan. Just get through each day as best as I can. At some point it will get and stay better or at some point I'll wipe out.

 

I read somewhere that those who want to survive have the best chances. Those who have that will do the best. I don't have that will because even after a full recovery from the withdrawal, I'm still left with no reason, no care, nothing that makes it worth it. 44 years of that is hard to compete with or even to let go of or play down.

[starlitegirlx]

Today, my mood is so much better and I didn't wake up with tremors per usual as I have been since I began tapering ages ago. I've learned that these days may start good and get a little worse or just worse in general so it's hard to tell. But for now, not being suicidal and feeling optimistic is what matters. Also, the lack of tremors upon waking up is good since it lasted for at least an hour then I felt a subtle tremor kicking in so I did 1mg klonopin instead of the usual 2mg. So far, that's holding. Even if it's just an early good day, that counts, right? Because it's the big picture when it comes to recovery from withdrawal and brain/body/spirit recovery after years of using ADs. The good days or better days are the ones that I need to look at because they show progress and recovery rather than stagnation and things not improving or that no healing is taking place.

 

Here's a summary of things people might want to know recovery wise since I think we all look for those things that help others and how they progress as a sign of hope that we can all recover or at least get to a point where we are much better than we were at out worst. So here's my to update bit...

 

I woke up and took a shower, a nice hot shower. Not right away. Needed to get my bearings a bit, settle into the security of it being a good day. I've been showering maybe once or twice a week due to limitations that stem from blurry vision, strength, balance, etc. I've learned it's best to wake up and settle into how I feel and what my state is, then accept it and decide what to do from there. Today was a great wake up as far as waking up goes since the worst of the withdrawal started.

 

Meanwhile, today or more accurately, right now, is something to remember, to hold onto during the rough patches because it's my proof that I'm healing and however slow it may be, it is happening. I feel almost normal healthy right now. Not totally. Still a bit off, but vision and dizziness is minimal, subtle almost barely there tremor internally even after the 1mg klonopin, but that's pretty good for me because it's actually about where I was after each brief (maybe 3 days) withdrawal cycle a year ago and up until I hit that 25mg mark (started at 100mg imipramine with 10% cuts every two weeks or a little sooner). So this morning is a minimal withdrawal morning.

 

Walking is fairly steady. No dizziness in the shower. No tiredness. minimal almost not even notable tremors so far so I only took 1mg klonopin whereas I've had to take 4mg upon waking (within 2 hours of waking) to settle the tremors, plus the bonus of no leg vibrations. WOOHOO. That may change, but for now, I savor it. I should add just as a point of curiosity that for the past 3 or 4 days I've been taking high doses of Vit D3 put out by Now. 5K IU doses, 2 days I did 2 pills so 10k and they a day or two of 3 pills so 15k. Since docs prescribe 50k pills at one per week to patients with very low levels, I figure after my 10k day today I'll go back to 5k and try to balance out to about 50k for at least a month. I haven't gotten any sun in ages due to the withdrawal. And we know that Vit D is essential so I'll be taking it regularly now. I also took a B12 megadot 5k mgc pill yesterday. Not sure how regularly I'll be taking it.... daily, every other day, weekly? Hard to tell yet. And I've been eating much better the past few weeks: since I'm not at the cooking stage yet in my recovery I get certain foods that have vitamins and protein and are better than the quick grab sugar items I'd eaten for months (like muffins and ice cream). On the menu these days is willow tree chicken salad (store bought and prepared), raw organic spinach with some crumbled feta, raisins, walnuts for omega 3 (though I'll be adding a supplement but not a high dose of it), kashi cereal sometimes in the morning, hard boiled eggs, some lowfat milk, hummus and raw zucchini or yellow squash that I dip in the hummus. Not a huge variety, but I'm starting with easy to grab foods that don't require cooking or that my mom makes (like the hard boiled eggs) since cooking is a no go at this point as I'm working up my strength, balance, etc.

 

This is a good morning. I wanted post it because they have been rare. They sometimes past to mediocre days but waking up feeling borderline normal is a huge thing to me as it shows that there is recovery taking place or there would not be a good morning. They would all be the same. Lack of stagnation, any sign of things being the slightest bit better is something to revel in because it's proof of recovery happening, or at least that's how I see it. Even if it's super slow. Even if it's very rare to have those good periods, they matter and they matter more than the rough ones because they are that little bit of light at the end of a very long tunnel (or very long for some of us). Today may not continue to be this good, but it started better than a lot of my days. Also, I've been able to have decaf coffee again, which I couldn't even touch for many months because even that little bit of caffeine was enough to trigger the need for klonopin. Right now, I'd love a decaf, but I want to enjoy for a little longer the fact that i've been up for a few hours and only needed the 1mg of klonopin. For me, that is huge. I may need more as the day progresses. I've learned that as the day continues, sometimes it gets worse depending on how much klonopin I use to suppress tremors initially. A 4mg dose on a better or medium day for me could last me through the day and keep me stable. sometimes 2mg in the morning then 2 or 1mg later in the day works as well. It depends on how I am when I wake up. Today, only the 1mg so far which I like because it already sets me up for a low klonopin day and I track that because how much klonopin I need along with what I rate my symptom level as (and I tend to grade on a curve there after so long, it takes a lot to get me to put more than a 2 down even though in reality it may be a 3 or 4 or even 5 - I've adapted to certain symptoms and so when they happen, they get a lower score - the klonopin dose however along side of the symptom level tells the real story. These days, I'm averaging 4-6mg a day. rarely 2mg. rarely more than 6. At one time it was 8 and 6mg going up to 12mg on a really bad day. So there's more progress. Some might not approve of the klonopin doses, but I don't see it as a long term issue. It's just getting me through the tough times now and it's only been months rather than years. I've had a standing script for 3mg per day PRN for 20 years and have generally taken only one at night with brief periods of up to 4 mg. But those only lasted a few months due to lots of stress and then I went back down to the 1mg no problem. This is a higher dose and a bit longer time wise, but it's already beginning to taper down.

 

So today, I feel recovery is taking place. This morning was a sign of it. Doesn't even matter what happens later. Fact is, I woke up better than I have in a while. That counts big in my book. It's my light at the end of the tunnel. Also, to be clear, I've been off imipramine for 3.5 months approximately. I started my taper around Sept. and cycled back up to 100mg a few times after brief cuts that were a bit to large. November is my real starting point. So it was 8 months to go from 100mg to zero. I don't think going any slower in my case would have made any difference particularly since imipramine isn't an outright SSRI but only has an ssri component in it that I think is more on the minor side.

[Altostrata]

Thanks, starlite.

 

You might keep an eye on those larges doses of vitamin D and B12. Either could exacerbate withdrawal symptoms. Take them separately and see if they have any effect on how you feel.

[starlitegirlx]

Thanks, starlite.

 

You might keep an eye on those larges doses of vitamin D and B12. Either could exacerbate withdrawal symptoms. Take them separately and see if they have any effect on how you feel.

 

I'm only temporarily taking the vitD to boost since I haven't been in the sun in ages. Then it will be maybe two pills a week here and there. Right now, only for a month or so near the 50k, maybe not even that long.

 

Vitamin B is more like once a week or twice a week I think. Just giving it a little boost. same with the fish oil. I don't trust supplements the way I don't trust meds, yet I do see that there is probably some benefit to taking them right not, but not too much.

 

What would be the downside of adding vit D during withdrawal? I figure it would help since it's noted to help with stress and depression both of which I have quite a bit during withdrawal. But fair point, less may be better. Maybe 50k a week for a month right now is not wise. more like 20k or something just to be safe. Give it a boost but nothing over the top. Just enough to help some without tipping my toes in dangerous water.

[Altostrata]

Both of those supplements have been known to make sensitized nervous systems feel worse, even triggering waves of anxiety.

[starlitegirlx]

Both of those supplements have been known to make sensitized nervous systems feel worse, even triggering waves of anxiety.

 

Thanks! I'll keep them to low doses. Don't need more added to what I already have to deal with. Just enough to help give nutrients in my system a boost though. What would you recommend for amounts with them that would be on the safe side?

[Altostrata]

See our topics in the Symptoms section.

[starlitegirlx]

I think I want to start calling this RECOVERY rather than WITHDRAWAL because I see it as recovery and when someone is ill or going through something like us, it generally is called recovery - we are recovering. yeah, it is still withdrawal, but isn't it more recovery than withdrawal? Symptoms are the withdrawal but the aim is recovery, no? Withdrawal sounds like this long, ongoing, arduous process (in this case with these meds) and it no longer gives me anything but a negative feeling when I call it recovery. Recovery sounds like what it is. It doesn't dismiss that I'm experiencing withdrawal while it also focuses on getting well and recovering. And many here are recovering, aren't we? Even when it's slow and even when we have backslides or relapses, it's still recovery, isn't it. It also denotes that we were harmed and need to recover. Something about that to me says a lot more than withdrawal, which at face value can be taken as us being a bunch of addicts when none of us became addicts by choice or willingly. Had we known this would be the end result back then, would we still have taken them? I was willing to take the risks that the meds could do some damage but not to this degree. It was more of a 'suffering vs not suffering' with maybe after 30 or 40 years of being on them there might be some taxing on my organs from processing them, but I never imagined in 16 years (long to some but with a bipolar diagnosis at 20 something having to take them for the rest of your life or being told you have to take them for the rest of you life - that's a very long term proposition). I never expected it to alter my system this way. I expected it to give me what I needed without reconfiguring my brain or my CNS long term. I guess I wasn't considering that our bodies adapt in ways we can't fathom and so the outcome was inevitable, but it wasn't really the way I thought of things back then. Plus I trusted that a medical professional wouldn't be giving me crap that would damage me and make me worse.

 

But enough of that. I'm liking the word RECOVERY. I'm in recovery. I'm not in withdrawal, I only experience symptoms of withdrawal. I am recovering from withdrawal. I AM RECOVERING FROM WITHDRAWAL of meds that messed me up. Recovery. I am in recovery. I am recovering. God, that feels so much better to me. Anyone else?

[areyouthere]

I AM RECOVERING FROM WITHDRAWAL of meds that messed me up. Recovery. I am in recovery. I am recovering. God, that feels so much better to me. Anyone else?

 

Yes. I like that much better as well. I believe it is a valid point. I am in recovery and withdrawal is just a part of it.

[starlitegirlx]

I'm trying little by little to get to read people's threads. There are several people here, some who have been here so much longer than me. I'm the baby to the group. It's a little difficult to read and retain details about everyone. So I'm trying to peck at it a bit at a time. Maybe one every day or every other day so I remember details about each of you.

 

Today was a strange day for me. I was able to do my laundry (I have done that before) AND to empty the dishwasher (haven't done that since the withdrawal got bad) and wash my hair and go up and down the stairs several times and even see at times without the usual level of blurriness. My symptoms are requiring less klonopin and I can drink decaf without it being much of a deal if it is an issue at all. These things while seeming small to some are huge for me. I'm grateful for today, that I could accomplish things I was not able to do for months, and so many of them in one day.

 

I'm wondering if the VitD supplements helped along with my healthier eating as a norm. I still eat some unhealthy stuff like ice cream, but that's not the norm right now. The protein and some veggies are my norm now. And maybe a liter or two of water some days. I think it's good to flush the system. I know there are windows and waves as I read earlier today in someone's thread. This maybe be a window. I'm making the best of it. I know that when a wave comes, other windows will follow as will the waves. Strangely, I'm realizing that this is life in general. Sure, the recovery or withdrawal, whichever you prefer to call it is a nightmare, but there are so many different nightmares. Some of as lived through a variety of them already - not just the med stuff but other things. And then there are the people outside our forum, some seem to suffer less than we do or have better lives, but in life, ebb and flow is the way for most everyone. That's the buddhism teachings in me talking. Suffering is par for the course. learning to not let it pin us to the ground and cripple us or lay some sort of victory claim over us is the key, yet that seems like we must fight it if we are to overcome it. I've fought it before and the lesson I learned is that it is not about fighting, but about acceptance. Me accepting that this journey may be long filled with lots of windows and waves and that those waves may really suck beyond anything I've know thus far was quite possibly the most difficult thing I ever had to do. Also, accepting the possibility that I might hit some point where I do not continue to recover, that is a scary thought, but I've accepted it as a possibility without pondering it except when those neuro emotions kick in.

 

What's really starting to settle in is that this is just another journey like so many I've been on before. It has a different name and takes me through a different territory, but it's just another journey. I've been on a lot of journeys, many of which I hated, some still don't make sense to me in the scheme of things since I cannot see what the point of them was when looking at the bigger picture. But what's weird is that I see the point of the ones that caused suffering. Each of those journeys made me stronger and able to handle what came next. What's even weirder is that I'm starting to see that each thing that came before was necessary, sometimes even in the form it was - like it couldn't have been any other way because there was something very specific in THAT form of suffering that gained through acceptance and then getting through it that gave me a unique kind of strength to get through the next one(s).

 

It's like the big picture is beginning to form and even if I'm not nuts about it, if it's not filled with smaller images and parts that I wanted to be a certain way, it is making sense TO ME and while I don't know the end design of it and what it all means for certain, I feel like getting through it, hanging in there, doing my best at surviving it and then moving on from it so it's not some lingering thing I carry with me but something I leave behind when it's done, is essential. Even if this leaves me changed in some way that I don't want, I don't want to carry that with me. I don't want to carry that anger or live stuck in a time warp of what taking the meds then going off them did to me. I'd rather just accept whatever the outcome is and move forward because anything more is baggage, and I think baggage is what prevents us from lighter and easier journeys or at least that's how I'm feeling right now. Or maybe baggage is what keeps us from progressing in the journeys we are meant to take because carrying baggage is a difficult thing, especially on a journey that requires a lot of strength. Acceptance of the situation and how it unfolds and going with the flow is like saying no to baggage and not pushing against what is happening but rather letting it just happen however it is going to so that there is the least amount of suffering.

 

There are analogies that fit what I mean above, good ones, but they don't come to mind right now other than that whole irresistible force meets an immovable object. Is that how the saying goes? What happens when these two forces collide? Nothing really. They are stuck pushing against one another and yet while each are immensely powerful in their own right, the collision of the two causes nothing to happen. Stagnation then occurs, and I don't wish to be stagnant or STUCK. To me, the irresistible force is me, my will, or rather whether I can accept and allow what is happening to happen without fighting it or pushing against it mentally, emotionally, or spiritually and the object is the situation. It's there. Maybe it was always going to be there no matter what I did or what path I chose. I'm still debating that one. Is there such a thing as fate or predestination where we really don't have choices beyond how we react to things except perhaps in lesser matters that don't relate to the grand scope of our lives? I'm thinking some things are always going to happen no matter what and so the event, in this case, my recovery from taking the med is the immovable object. It was always going to happen. I was always going to take the AD. And interestingly, no matter how I look at it or review my past, I see no other way it could have played out other than the eventually I would have ended up on the med I am now recovering from taking. But I am recovering. So that's really all that matters. It's not worth getting wound up about anymore. I'll just take the days as they come and keep going with the flow of life. No stagnation for me. In the past, it was my undoing when I got stuck on not accepting what was happening and it made the whole experience utterly hellish. Now, I just let those bad days be bad days and even say this is a really bad day and find some way to distract myself from the pain of it. Then it passes. The next day comes. Sooner or later the better feeling days come and because of my way of handling it the windows of better days get longer and the waves of worse days get shorter until it's all behind me, just a memory of an experience I had or a journey I took. But the thing I should mention is that when I look back at those experiences or journeys, while I do remember how much they sucked and how painful they were, I can't really FEEL the pain of them anymore, but I can see that I got through them and how I got through them (buy acceptance) and I can feel the strength in me and how much stronger I am from having gotten through it. And I carry that with me almost as if I'm proud of it or like I feel honor about getting through it and leaving it in the past as a memory and nothing more. I don't know why that is. It's almost a spiritual thing that is at my core or soul.

 

Maybe we all have our journeys and getting through them so that we feel that sense of a stronger self for having gotten through them while not carrying them as baggage is the whole point of life in general. Sure, I'd love it if none of us had to go through any of this, but I guess now I wonder who am I to say anything about it when there could be something really awesome hidden in this suffering and pain that we can't see right now because of the forest for the tress and all that.

 

sorry for this being so long and for all my pondering. I think I just really like to get all of this down in this journal of sorts because it feels important. Not even so much that it's important to me. I could write this anywhere but for some reason, I'm compelled to write it here. So I do. Forgive me for making it so long. There was just so much going through my mind and so much that I had to put into words.

[starlitegirlx]

Please help me. I'm very suicidal right now. I don't mean to alarm people but I'm reaching out to the only people I know that will understand my suffering even if you don't agree with my wanting to kill myself - but I'm trying to hang in there so I'm posting for help.

 

My last post was a month and a half ago. I was determined to not let this drag me down or to get caught up in being negative about it. I did well with that for a while and was showing improvement (needing less klonopin, symptoms decreasing, days that were better mixed with days that weren't) but it's like being on a rollercoaster. And now, I want off.

 

Please forgive me for this post, but I am desperate with nobody who understands fully the torture I'm living through except the people here. My mother says I should see a neurologist, but I know from posts here that people have and they've found nothing. fact is, this all started when I was tapering down and then went off.

 

Recently (a week or so) I have been having those horrible electrical tremors. I wake up with them and have to take klonopin immediately to get them to subside. The worst is that I had been doing better so I was blindsided by this. I spend at least one hour to three hours upon waking wishing I had terminal cancer. I kid you not. I see no recovery in sight - not permanantly because I think it's going to keep being these cycles. And I am beyond exhausted and can only distract myself from what I'm going through for so long and in so many ways (TV and video games) which I'm now getting bored to the point of it's another form of torture at times. See, because of the blurred vision and dizziness part of the withdrawal factor, I'm basically bed ridden. A good day for me is a quick trip to the store and maybe getting some laundry done and playing video games or watching TV where my focus in off the pain. Even if I did have a full recovery, there is nothing in my life that makes it worthwhile and the pattern has been that things get better from something and then the next thing comes that's worse than the last. So I have no hope that even a recovery will matter, though in my current state, I cannot say that this torture (withdrawal) isn't just tainting everything but I can say that I feel like I have no ability to endure the electrocution feeling and the tremors that drain me completely. I just want to die. That's all. I only have three people I am close to and two of them have resided to the fact that this is what will happen as they've seen and listed to what I'm going through and how as time passes it gets harder to 'survive' because the more time that passes the more it seems like it's not getting better or won't get better or not enough to have a life beyond limitations that are not what I can handle.

 

Has anyone else ever been here, in this frame of mind and gotten through it and seen recovery? Is this a phase that will pass? Does it get better? Am I in a cycle that passes? I don't mean to be dramatic, but I really don't feel I have the will or strength to survive this any longer. I don't even have anything to life for. Nothing in my life that makes me want to live. It's devoid of anything that could give me a reason.

 

Please help me. Please tell me anything that can help me decided, even if it's bad news.

 

Thank you in advance. I'm sorry this is so extreme. I am just lost and ready to quit and there is nowhere else I can turn because nobody gets it. All their thoughts, reasoning and suggestions or beliefs are limited to never having undergone this. It's been a year now (8 months of the worst part of the withdrawal - and I'm exhausted and hopeless. Thanks

[Barbarannamated]

Starlitegirl,

 

I'm glad you wrote. Thank you for your honesty. I'm in a similar hopeless place and unable to distract myself, devoid of anything to live for. Also have the thoughts that a known terminal disease would provide an end and possibly some understanding along the journey.

 

I hope others will offer support and suggestions to alleviate the pain.

 

I hope to have hope and a will to live again. It's difficult to hang onto that intangible day after day. I, too, avoid posting when im feeling negative, but your post helped me to feel not so alone in this place. Im sorry youre suffering this hell, but I thank you for reaching out.

 

I'm stuck between not wanting to live and not wanting to die. I hope that makes sense to you.

[dalsaan]

Hi starlitegirl

 

I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.

 

You know that recovery happens in cycles and that neuroemotion can really mess with how you are feeling and the perspective you have on your life

 

You are right that we have some sense of what's happening for you and will try and help you, just as your involvement helps others. But you need to reach out for more active care and engagement with your suicidal thoughts

 

I've looked up a couple of numbers that appear to be national toll free help lines. 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273

-8255. Or you can call 911

 

Dalsaan

[starlitegirlx]

Starlitegirl,

 

I'm glad you wrote. Thank you for your honesty. I'm in a similar hopeless place and unable to distract myself, devoid of anything to live for. Also have the thoughts that a known terminal disease would provide an end and possibly some understanding along the journey.

 

I hope others will offer support and suggestions to alleviate the pain.

 

I hope to have hope and a will to live again. It's difficult to hang onto that intangible day after day. I, too, avoid posting when im feeling negative, but your post helped me to feel not so alone in this place. Im sorry youre suffering this hell, but I thank you for reaching out.

 

I'm stuck between not wanting to live and not wanting to die. I hope that makes sense to you.

 

Stuck between not wanting to live and wanting to die makes perfect sense to me. It's why suicide has become a viable option. Very viable option. I don't even have energy to do anything really but sleep, stare at the TV or play a video game. And on a bad day like this all of those things are too hard for my mind to process. And I don't even have the illness you are faced with. Honestly, I don't know how you get through the day. You must do whatever you can to not think about it because the way I am right now, I'd say screw it. I wouldn't see the point. I wouldn't be able to see the point. As is, this feels like some kind of cruel joke or like I'm meant to suffer in this life and to have no reason to live just to see how I survive or how long I survive with nothing to give me a reason to bother.

 

As for the hoping to have the hope and will to live again, I feel like, for me, every time I find that, it gets taken away. I'll find something that inspires me or something I feel passionate about and then something happens where I cannot do it anymore or it becomes less and less likely that it will happen. So I guess I've learned to not do that, to not find anything that give me the hope or will to live because when I do, then when it's taken away, the loss is devastating. And I've lost so much over the years, so many things I wanted or hope for or enjoyed or loved. One by one it's been like they are targeted and taken away. Ruined in some way. And now, short of winning a hefty jackpot where I could move to a large beautiful home in the pacific palisades in LA where it's 60-80 degrees as a norm and sunny, and I could hire an assistant and housekeeper to make life more comfortable, there is nothing else that could even put a dent in any of this.

 

Heck, one of the things that drives me batty is that when I wake up and cry for hours, I don't know if it's because of what I'm suffering through (seems the mornings are now the worst where they used to be better and get worse as the day progressed) or if it's some screwy neuro emotion or what. I have no idea. I just cry and cry and keep crying until I'm drained or I just stop.

 

I want to be a survivor who gets through this and gets well, fully well again, but then I have nothing or no reason to survive. Even if all the health stuff healed, I'd still be living in a bedroom and having nothing really in my life to make it worth living but more like just going through the motions until I die, which can't come fast enough. But if I healed, I could try to get back to some old things I loved, like going to the cafe or the gym. Not a lot of things, but a few that made my quality of life a little better. Even if it was just a tiny bit it might help.

 

I just don't feel like surviving is enough anymore. There has to be a reason to survive. Survivors of horrible things mostly survived because they had some reason. I don't. That make it seems like such a pointless endeavor, like why am I really putting myself through this? It feels like the self loving thing to do would be to have compassion for myself the way I would if I had a pet that was sick and not getting better and not doing anything by lying there whimpering. But there's so much stigma attached to it and even stupid religious beliefs of hell or purgatory, but I already feel like I am there.

 

I hope you feel better barb. I hope you find the will again. And I hope your future turns out better than it looks right now. I wish that for you.

[starlitegirlx]

Hi starlitegirl

 

I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.

 

You know that recovery happens in cycles and that neuroemotion can really mess with how you are feeling and the perspective you have on your life

 

You are right that we have some sense of what's happening for you and will try and help you, just as your involvement helps others. But you need to reach out for more active care and engagement with your suicidal thoughts

 

I've looked up a couple of numbers that appear to be national toll free help lines. 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273

-8255. Or you can call 911

 

Dalsaan

 

I called just before my followup post to barb. It wasn't very helpful. It changed nothing but I got to talk about it though these people don't really get it. They are just trained to listen even when the don't get it and give pat answers and responses. So it's like an empty vent session to a random stranger who doesn't really care which actually left me feeling emptier and more alone than ever. I tried, but it didn't help. I almost wish I didn't call at all because now I feel more alone.

[Altostrata]

starlite, I've been there, hang in.

 

The way our minds work, we tend to think what is will always be. But you know your symptoms have changed.

 

Can you get out enough to take a walk?