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☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

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Gridley
On 7/26/2018 at 8:20 PM, Peachy said:

 

Hello! I am in the process of tapering my long-term Lexapro (ssri) use.I have been tapering for 2.5 yrs and experiencing WD the entire process.  It's hard to find others that have been on them as long as me (around 15 yrs). I

 

Peachy,

 

I've been on 20mg Lexapro since 2004.  I started tapering a year and a half ago using the Brassmonkey slide taper (4 equal 2 1/2% cuts with a two week hold).  I'm in WD but symptoms are tolerable.

 

Gridley

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apace41
On 8/6/2018 at 4:17 AM, Petunia said:

as I expected, it was a short wave and led to another leap in recovery. This last month I've felt a lot better and my creativity has kind of exploded. I've always been the creative type, but I'm finding I'm able to express it easier and more reliably now. But more importantly, I'm enjoying the process more than I ever have in my life. There's a kind of connection and flow which I seem able to tap into now, whenever I want to. I used to struggle and feel blocked a lot of the time, but now, not so much.

 

This is all so wonderful to hear, Petu!  You SO deserve this.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Peachy
8 hours ago, Gridley said:

 

Peachy,

 

I've been on 20mg Lexapro since 2004.  I started tapering a year and a half ago using the Brassmonkey slide taper (4 equal 2 1/2% cuts with a two week hold).  I'm in WD but symptoms are tolerable.

 

Gridley

Hi Gridley!

Thats great to hear!! 

I'm so jealous, but happy for you :)

Can you explain the BRassmonkey taper method more? So how exactly does it work? I've just been doing .25mg cuts every month, or sometimes I hold longer, but even that is a lot at once fore me.... My symptoms are alot better than they were in the beginning, but I'm still suffering, esp around my period. 

What symptoms do you have?

Thanks! This gives me hope :)

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Peachy

@Gridley

also! do you make a liquid? Do you find this is effective? Right now I'm having a compound pharm make me 1mg, .5mg, and.25mg pills and using these. Im worried that the liquid won't be exact and It will mess things up... 

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Gridley

Peachy,

 

It sounds to me like you are doing a good job of tapering, going very slowly.

 

I don't use a liquid, though that it probably the most popular method among members.  Instead,  I weigh using a Gemini-20 scale.  I just felt more comfortable with weighing.  Here's a link:

Using a digital scale to measure doses

 

Compounding is a great method.  Unfortunately, no compounding here in Ecuador.

 

Here's a link with more information about the Brassmonkey slide method, devised by one of our moderators.

The Brassmonkey Slide Meth…

 

The basic idea is to soften the taper, so that instead of a 10% drop every four weeks, you sort of slide into the drop with four equal 2 1/2% drops.  Then you have a 2-week hold to let things settle down.  It's gentler.  The link explains how to arrive at a 2 1/2% drop (multiply current dose by .975--and you do it by weight of the tablet.)

 

Okay, my symptoms.  Probably the main ones are anhedonia (lack of pleasure in life), lack of motivation, fatigue and some anxiety.  Melatonin has helped, not cured, my insomnia.  The anxiety has gotten much better the lower I go.  Physical symptoms include neck stiffness, lack of appetite, weight loss, headache.  But we trudge on.

 

Gridley

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mammaP

Petunia I am so happy to see that you are recovering so well, it's made my day.  Congratulations on the puppy, who will love you forever and complete this new life of yours. Can't wait to see your success story, I am sure it will not be long before we are reading it  :wub:.  

Edited by mammaP
corrected spelling

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Shep
On 8/6/2018 at 4:17 AM, Petunia said:

I pick up my new puppy on Friday. I'm not looking forward to the long drive, I still haven't ventured too far from home, this will be the furthest distance I've traveled in over 10 years, but I'm up for it and in a small way I'm looking forward to the challenge.... I'll post some pictures if I can figure out how to do it with this new site software.

 

Petu, I'm just catching up on your latest update and I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing your post-zero journey with us, the good and the bad. I am grateful for the way you shine a light for those of us who are off these drugs and struggling to make sense of the post-zero experience.

 

I do hope you post a pic of your new pup. Please let us know how you both are doing. 

 

On 8/8/2018 at 11:53 AM, mammaP said:

Can't wait to see your success story, I am sure it will not be long before we are reading it  :wub:.  

 

Yes! I hope a success story is coming soon. 

 

Wishing you much more healing and happiness in your drug-free, psychiatry-free life. 

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Happy2Heal

wOw Petunia, what a long journey you've had! I am glad I stumbled on your thread today, I was looking for ppl who had joined before I did, to find more information about this 10 month post "zero" wave that I appear to be in...


Reading thru just the last few pages of your thread, it's amazing how well you are able to communicate what you've been thru, and so very much of it has been similar for me (with one major exception, I have spent very little time in bed) 

 

I am quite shaken by this current wave. Things were going so well. I had motivation and felt satisfied with my life, I was looking forward to things in the future, I was sleeping so much better and now- POOF!
I'm overly emotional, crying a lot with some rushes of irrational anger, and then I don't feel anything.  Food is either tasteless or tastes bad.

I am having trouble thinking clearly. I feel disconnected again from my self and the rest of the world. 

 

I probably should be writing this on my own thread, now that I think about it

 

but mostly I wanted to THANK you for taking the time and effort to describe so well , what your recovery has been like. I can see a lot of similarities to my own journey. I have a very hard time finding the right words though. 

 

oh, You must post photos of the puppy!  ❤️ I am excited for you. pets are a big responsibility but they bring so much joy to our lives.

 

 

 

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Peachy
On 8/7/2018 at 5:13 PM, Gridley said:

Peachy,

 

It sounds to me like you are doing a good job of tapering, going very slowly.

 

I don't use a liquid, though that it probably the most popular method among members.  Instead,  I weigh using a Gemini-20 scale.  I just felt more comfortable with weighing.  Here's a link:

Using a digital scale to measure doses

 

Compounding is a great method.  Unfortunately, no compounding here in Ecuador.

 

Here's a link with more information about the Brassmonkey slide method, devised by one of our moderators.

The Brassmonkey Slide Meth…

 

The basic idea is to soften the taper, so that instead of a 10% drop every four weeks, you sort of slide into the drop with four equal 2 1/2% drops.  Then you have a 2-week hold to let things settle down.  It's gentler.  The link explains how to arrive at a 2 1/2% drop (multiply current dose by .975--and you do it by weight of the tablet.)

 

Okay, my symptoms.  Probably the main ones are anhedonia (lack of pleasure in life), lack of motivation, fatigue and some anxiety.  Melatonin has helped, not cured, my insomnia.  The anxiety has gotten much better the lower I go.  Physical symptoms include neck stiffness, lack of appetite, weight loss, headache.  But we trudge on.

 

Gridley

thank you for the reply! I'm having a rough patch, as I think going down by .25mg at once is even way too much of a drop for my sensitized system..sigh***

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Petunia

Thanks for all the comments since my last update, I've had no time since puppy arrived and I'm having to get up several times a night for potty time, so I'm a bit tired, but no waves and I'm handling the extra stress ok. Here are a couple of pics as promised.

 

On 8/7/2018 at 10:18 PM, jonnypeters1234567 said:

Hi Petunia, im happy you are recovering. Do you still have the vibrating tinnitus?

 

Tinnitus is one of my remaining symptoms, but I've either got used to it, or its not so bad these days. I notice it most when its quiet.

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Happy2Heal

OH My Goodness what an adorable puppy!

congratulations!!

 

 

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Shep

Awwww, what an adorable puppy, Petu.

 

She looks very happy and loved in her little pink shirt.  

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Pepita
4 hours ago, Petunia said:

Thanks for all the comments since my last update, I've had no time since puppy arrived and I'm having to get up several times a night for potty time, so I'm a bit tired, but no waves and I'm handling the extra stress ok. Here are a couple of pics as promised.

 

 

Tinnitus is one of my remaining symptoms, but I've either got used to it, or its not so bad these days. I notice it most when its quiet.

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aaaaaww a frenchieeee how adorable! Oh man, puppies are tons of work but it's all worth it❤️

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Altostrata

Congratulations on the new little one, Petu!

 

Is it time to try a bit of fish oil or magnesium again for the tinnitus?

 

 

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Petunia

Just logging in to document my extended wave, or return to withdrawal normal after a window, I'm still not sure. Its been about 2 weeks now, and I'm fairly miserable with a return of a lot of symptoms, although in a much milder form.

 

On 8/19/2018 at 2:15 AM, Altostrata said:

Is it time to try a bit of fish oil or magnesium again for the tinnitus?

 

Thanks Alto, yes, I still take magnesium every night and I'm actually a little terrified of trying fish oil again after the awful reactions I've had to it in the past. I do try and include salmon in my diet when I remember. But life has become very hectic and disorganized since the addition of puppy, so my healthy routines have disintegrated somewhat. But in all honesty, if tinnitus was my only issue, I would be ecstatic.

 

The stress of having to take care of a puppy, while in this wave is difficult, he's quite a handful at times, when he's not asleep, which thankfully he is a lot of the time.

 

A list of returned symptoms:  temperature dysregulation, disturbing dreams, morning doom/fear, neuro-emotions, pain, cognitive difficulties, coordination issues, irritability and some anhedonia in between the mood swings. Surprisingly, DP/DR hasn't come back, so that's something to be grateful for.

 

I hope this is just a wave, and not a return to 'normal' after a longish window. I was hoping to write my recovery story at the end of this year, but its looking like it might have to wait a little longer 🙁

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Shep
11 hours ago, Petunia said:

I hope this is just a wave, and not a return to 'normal' after a longish window. I was hoping to write my recovery story at the end of this year, but its looking like it might have to wait a little longer 🙁

 

I'm sorry to read this, Petu. But if the stress was targeted by the new puppy (which might mean a few wake ups in the night), than I'm sure you'll be back to the windows, especially as the puppy gets older and doesn't require as much on your part. 

 

Regardless if it's caused by puppy or would have happened anways, it sounds like you have built up resiliency along the way (the wave is not as deep and as strong) and you are slowly healing. 

 

Thanks for continuing to update your post zero experience. 

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Pepita
11 hours ago, Petunia said:

Just logging in to document my extended wave, or return to withdrawal normal after a window, I'm still not sure. Its been about 2 weeks now, and I'm fairly miserable with a return of a lot of symptoms, although in a much milder form.

 

 

Thanks Alto, yes, I still take magnesium every night and I'm actually a little terrified of trying fish oil again after the awful reactions I've had to it in the past. I do try and include salmon in my diet when I remember. But life has become very hectic and disorganized since the addition of puppy, so my healthy routines have disintegrated somewhat. But in all honesty, if tinnitus was my only issue, I would be ecstatic.

 

The stress of having to take care of a puppy, while in this wave is difficult, he's quite a handful at times, when he's not asleep, which thankfully he is a lot of the time.

 

A list of returned symptoms:  temperature dysregulation, disturbing dreams, morning doom/fear, neuro-emotions, pain, cognitive difficulties, coordination issues, irritability and some anhedonia in between the mood swings. Surprisingly, DP/DR hasn't come back, so that's something to be grateful for.

 

I hope this is just a wave, and not a return to 'normal' after a longish window. I was hoping to write my recovery story at the end of this year, but its looking like it might have to wait a little longer 🙁

Sorry to hear about the wave: I got a puppy too when I was only half a year into withdrawal start (I think in my first window I decided I am good enough for a dog;)) and I had a terrible wave.. I was so excited about the puppy- and then of course it was so much work... I nearly gave her up. I didn't feel love for this dog... I was totally devastated.. but got threw it, shes a little over 2 years old now and I would want to miss her in my life. Now she helps me when I am in a wave and I am sure it will be the same for youand thr wave was triggered by getting the pup. you'll get threw this and then enjoy your dog a lot for sure:)

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Altostrata

Oh, Petu, hang in, the puppy will become your best friend and you'll feel much better. (I'm sure the puppy is adorable now, even so.)

 

Big hugs to you 💕

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Carmie

Hi Petunia, 

 

Im so sorry you have been hit by a wave again. It’s weird how we can say withdrawal normal n everyone on this site understands what we’re talking about. 

 

Make sure you get lots lots of rest n relaxation inbetween taking care of puppy so your nervous system doesn’t continue to be ramped up so much. I can imagine it’s quite a responsibility. We have a cat, she doesn’t take much care but makes an awful lot of noise most mornings to wake us up. She’ll start scratching, I want food! 

 

Hope your wave settles down soon.

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

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Rabe

She is darling!  I hope it works out for you!💜

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Petunia

Thank you for all the comments and encouragement, its time for another update I think. My protracted withdrawal journey continues and I've concluded that I had an extended window, like the one in 2016, now I'm back to withdrawal normal.

 

Unfortunately, I wont be writing my recovery story this year, but even so, life is much better than it was a few years ago.

 

Mornings are routinely back to being unpleasant, and a few days last week, mild akathisia was back, but it didn't last long. The symptoms I mentioned in my last update are still with me, cycling around, worse some days, not so bad other days. The biggest difference between now and how I was, is that I get up every morning, get dressed (eventually) and do stuff, rather than staying curled up in bed all day, trying to find distractions on the internet, from my suffering. The intense sensitivity and daily terror has gone, and my natural confidence, motivation and creativity has returned, so I'm able to attempt participating in life again. Frustration and fatigue get the best of me often though, I'm nowhere near the level of functioning that I was before withdrawal.

 

The four weeks of puppy classes pushed my limited social and cognitive abilities to their limit. I was completely exhausted after each one hour class and relieved when each one ended, just so my brain could have a rest. But we did the whole course and Grummit graduated. I'm not ready for the challenges of 'proper' training yet, maybe next year.

 

I'm still physically, cognitively and emotionally challenged, and for a while I thought I had made a mistake, taking on the responsibility of a puppy too soon, but there's no regrets, couldn't imagine life without him now.

 

I'm able to enjoy life again now, the good feelings are back, its been like waking up slowly, from a nightmarish coma after years of isolation and suffering. The world seems like a different place to me now, maybe its me who's different.

 

Recovery from protracted withdrawal continues, my brain and nervous system is slowly healing.... taking as long as it needs to repair the damage.

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Fighter33

Hi,

i read your post and it gives me hope. I was on lexapro for 10 years until my doctor told me to stop it after a week of every other day. I didn’t even reduce my dosage! I was only taking 2.5mg- he thought that was too small of a dose to do anything. Now I’m in serious withdrawal begging god to take me. I know this is withdrawal and I’m just hoping I can get better some day even if it is just a little. Did you ever feel hopeless and suicidal? And how long did this feeling last? I’m glad you’ve hung on and now have a pup 😊

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Altostrata

Petu, how are you? We miss you.

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JackieDecides
On 10/14/2018 at 11:29 PM, Petunia said:

Unfortunately, I wont be writing my recovery story this year, but even so, life is much better than it was a few years ago.

 

I would so love to read an update @Petunia I loved your post in the "creating a new self after withdrawal" thread. 

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Goosie

@Petunia   I am so glad to hear you are sleeping better.  That gave me so much hope. With my own sleep issues.   I hope that your other symptoms continue to improve and that you have less and less waves.  

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grandmaD

thinking of you Petunia and wondering also how you are doing now?

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Petunia

Its my 6 year anniversary of finding this life-saving site, and being drug free, so I guess its time for an update. Unfortunately, I'm not able to write my recovery story yet as I'm  still very much in a windows, waves, withdrawal normal kind of pattern, but in general, I'm a lot better than those first few hellish years of constant suffering which stripped me to a core of basic survival. Not that I had much interest in surviving, but I did, thanks mostly to this site and the support of everyone here. The only thing which kept me alive each day was holding on to the belief that what I was going through was caused by drug withdrawal/damage and that I would recover eventually.

 

I'm still recovering, after 6 years of taking the best care of myself I can, no medications of any kind, apart from the occasional aspirin. Healthy, basic food, no caffeine, alcohol or recreational drugs, no processed foods, not much sugar and keeping stress as low as possible, which means I don't have much of a life outside of my home, but its ok..... it really is, I've become a completely different person through this ordeal, one who is more in control, content, balanced, able to handle reality with a new insight about my past, myself and why I ended up on psychiatric drugs in the first place. I hate to say it, but it's almost worth going through what I have, in order to have had this psychological transformation. I have come home to the person I really am and even though I'm still experiencing symptoms of drug withdrawal and damage, I'm now content and comfortable in myself and able to experience life in a more authentic kind of way. It is what it is and I no longer fight with reality for more than a few seconds, acceptance comes quickly these days which reduces stress and helps me to live more peacefully.

 

My last window opened up early last year and went all the way through until September. It may have been going to close anyway, but the stress of getting a new puppy might have caused it. A stressful situation at the end of the year caused a wave, which I'm still at the tail end of, slowly coming back to withdrawal normal again.

 

I will try and list my remaining symptoms, but they do tend to cycle around a lot and fluctuate in intensity and occasionally I will experience something I haven't had in years, but usually its mild and dosn't last long.

 

The main ongoing symptom is early morning waking with anxiety/dread. It used to be extreme terror and panic, which would last through most of the day. I used to wake up feeling like it was the morning of my own execution by some painful, drawn out method. Now its like waking up on the morning of an important exam or interview, mild by comparison, but still still unpleasant and unsettling, it usually fades away by mid-morning these days, but will last longer if I'm having a bad day. Occasionally, I will wake up normally, it's wonderful being able to greet a new day feeling calm and enthusiastic, so I'm hoping this symptom is on its way out permanently. My histamine system is still in chaos which causes all the associated symptoms to flare up at random times with no apparent causes. Still having vision and perception problems, they fluctuate and come and go. I'm still getting mild pain in my head, neck and shoulder, which seems to be associated with physical tension, but its a lot better than it was.

 

The most worrying symptom is ongoing cognitive impairment, difficulties with memory, multi-tasking, focus, complex processes, verbal communication, social interaction and anything which requires executive functioning. My brain function seems to be damaged in certain specific ways and I struggle trying to function like I used to, I get extremely tired when trying to do some things which used to be easy. My brain is no longer able to automatically do several things at the same time.  I live my life according to the 'spoon analogy' now, I only have a limited amount of spoons available to me each day and once they're gone, they're gone. I can do one or two basic chores, take my dog for a walk, make some food, have a shower and then I'm done for the day..... which is actually a lot more than those early years of recovery when I was struggling to do anything at all.

 

I'm looking forward to a time when a window opens up and stays open, when increased stress doesn't send me crashing back down for months, when I can make plans and be able to carry them through, when I have the capacity and energy to get out and explore the world again with my new found perspective. I'm guessing I still have a few more years to go until I'm 'fully recovered' whatever that will mean, but for now, life as it is goes on, and its mostly ok. I'm grateful I survived antidepressants and have some life ahead of me, I appreciate every moment now.

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Shep
9 hours ago, Petunia said:

I hate to say it, but it's almost worth going through what I have, in order to have had this psychological transformation. I have come home to the person I really am and even though I'm still experiencing symptoms of drug withdrawal and damage, I'm now content and comfortable in myself and able to experience life in a more authentic kind of way. It is what it is and I no longer fight with reality for more than a few seconds, acceptance comes quickly these days which reduces stress and helps me to live more peacefully.

 

This is really beautiful, Petu. Thank you for continuing to make periodic updates to share your recovery with us. And congratulations on your 6th year anniversary!

 

I know you're still struggling, but to read about the level of peace of mind and authenticity you are experiencing is wonderful. You'll be golden by the time you heal. 

 

 

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elbee

Thanks for the update Petunia 🙂❤️👍

 

14 hours ago, Petunia said:

taking the best care of myself I can, no medications of any kind, apart from the occasional aspirin. Healthy, basic food, no caffeine, alcohol or recreational drugs, no processed foods, not much sugar and keeping stress as low as possible

 

I've come to believe and I'm learning to embrace that self-care is the healing balm to replace the drug/medicator use in my life. It takes time to make this practice a reality. Your courage inspires 🙏

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Tom37

Thanks for updating us all.

 

So sorry that you have not got to recovery yet but you have made so much progress it’s only a matter of time before you do and hopefully it’s sooner rather than later. 

 

Keep moving forward as much as you can and keep believing!

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Petunia

Thank you for the comments and support, I'm going to keep updating periodically until I'm fully healed, then I will write my recovery story. I would like to be able to spend more time here, helping others like I used to, but I became burned out and a bit cynical because I wasn't healing as fast as many others were, and was finding it difficult to maintain a positive, encouraging attitude. I also learned what it was like to finally feel some significant recovery and experience the impulse to distance myself from anything withdrawal related.

 

I used to wonder if it was really true that most people recover and then move on with their lives, rarely looking back. I'm fairly certain that's the case, although it can take a while for some. I read somewhere yesterday that even when there is full physical recovery, it can take a bit longer to recover from the emotional trauma of the whole withdrawal/recovery experience. I try and find the silver lining in things and for me this whole ordeal has been a catalyst for spiritual growth and transformation, finding meaning in difficult circumstances can often give us the strength to endure the unendurable, and this has been true for me.

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Petunia

Trigger Warning: long term, protracted withdrawal (not everyone takes this long to recover)

 

Quick update.  I've been medication free 6 years and 3 months now. I'm itching to start composing a recovery story, but I'm not quite there yet. So many of the symptoms I started out with over 6 years ago, when I first found this site, have gone. I never thought they would, but slowly, symptoms have decreased, many of them eventually dropping off completely, never to to return.

 

What remains now is tinnitus, some light sensitivity, but not as bad as it was, mild cognitive impairment, mostly related to memory and complex tasks/thinking, focusing. I'm still in a pattern of waking up with anxiety, that doomy, dread like feeling, that something bad is about to happen. But its very mild compared with how it was at first, it fades away over a few hours and occasionally now, I wake up normally, this seems to be connected with being able to sleep later in the mornings now sometimes too.

 

Sleep disruption was one of the hardest symptoms to deal with, because for a long time, sleeping was the only relief from suffering. I would be slammed awake around 4 am every morning, my body flooded with adrenaline, terror coursing through me, stuck in instinctive fight/flight, but all I could do was freeze, waiting for the non-existent danger to pass. But now, I still wake too early sometimes, most times, but I'm able to drift back to sleep, or meditate, sometimes sleeping until 7, which for me is wonderful and reinforces my belief in being able to heal fully. Sleeping in late is one of those pleasures in life everyone deserves to have sometimes.

 

I no longer live in my bedroom with the windows blacked out, but get up every morning and open the blinds in my living room. I can't say I get dressed every day, because I don't go out every day, and figure, what's the point of getting dressed in street clothes if I''m not going out. But when I do go out, usually every second day, to do a few chores, go grocery shopping and walk my dog, I no longer have problems with DP/DR, distorted vision and all those awful symptoms of overwhelm which made going out so horrendous during the first few years. These days it fluctuates between being a neutral experience and an enjoyable one. But I tire very easily, don't have much stamina, that''s another remaining symptom. I can't do much in a day and have to pace myself. If I have a particularly busy day, I need to rest the next day and not do anything beyond the basics.

 

The line between ongoing withdrawal symptoms and my pre-drug symptoms are starting to blur now. I had received a few diagnoses over the years, but the only one which was accurate was cPTSD, from childhood trauma, followed by layers of trauma from later events and the ongoing frustration and confusion of trying to figure out what was wrong with my life and why it didn't work as well as other people's lives, and why nothing I tried worked.  I'm now healing from trauma, taking care of myself better than I ever have and learning how to value and love myself. This is what I should have been helped with when I sought help for anxiety and was given drugs to mask symptoms. I don't blame my doctor though, he was only doing what I had asked, and what he knew. I'd been mislead by advertising, manipulated into believing I had a chemical brain imbalance and could be cured with a pill. I expect he believed the same thing.

 

I used to have unstable moods and difficulty managing extreme emotions, but this was all part of unhealed early trauma, dysfunctional patterns of thinking and acting out, which I had learned from being emotionally neglected and abused as a child. I'm feeling my emotions now, rather than unconsciously reacting to them, and enjoying the feelings of confidence and control which are a result of learning how to do this.

 

My life is never going to be the same as it was before withdrawal, and I wouldn't want it to be. I've learned a lot about myself, and life through this experience, some very difficult and painful lessons, but more valuable than I could have imagined. I wouldn't want to go back to being the person I used to be, always running, searching, trying to find answers, and some relief from confusion, anxiety and loneliness, looking in all the wrong places. This is a much better place to be, at home, safe and comfortable inside myself as I continue to recover at this snail-like pace.

 

PS. Reading back through this, it almost sounds like a recovery story, maybe I'm closer than I think :)

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bubble
4 hours ago, Petunia said:

This is a much better place to be, at home, safe and comfortable inside myself as I continue to recover at this snail-like pace.

 

 

So great to hear from you and it does read like a recovery story xXxX

 

Actually from what I see very few people have the time, space, resources and courage to let themselves recover in the time it takes.

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Shep
7 hours ago, Petunia said:

Sleep disruption was one of the hardest symptoms to deal with, because for a long time, sleeping was the only relief from suffering. I would be slammed awake around 4 am every morning, my body flooded with adrenaline, terror coursing through me, stuck in instinctive fight/flight, but all I could do was freeze, waiting for the non-existent danger to pass. But now, I still wake too early sometimes, most times, but I'm able to drift back to sleep, or meditate, sometimes sleeping until 7, which for me is wonderful and reinforces my belief in being able to heal fully. Sleeping in late is one of those pleasures in life everyone deserves to have sometimes.

 

Petunia, I really gain a lot of hope from your updates. I saw you prefaced this with a "trigger warning", but please know that those of us in long-term protracted withdrawal benefit from these types of updates. We're going through this with you, so thank you. 

 

I quoted this part because to read about your sleep improvements is giving me that much-needed since of hope. 

 

2 hours ago, bubble said:

So great to hear from you and it does read like a recovery story xXxX

 

I want to "ditto" what Bubble wrote. 

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apace41
7 hours ago, Petunia said:

PS. Reading back through this, it almost sounds like a recovery story, maybe I'm closer than I think :)

 

Ya think?  LOL.

 

This is a great post, Petu, and while you aren't 100% there yet it is clear you are closing in on the summit.  Pretty soon it will be "every day" rather than "every other day" and then the stamina will return.  

 

So glad to see that your perseverance has paid off -- you SO deserve this.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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direstraits

this is very encouraging to read,Petu.

it sounds like you're really close to recovery.

I'm a year behind you and this gives me hope that I'll get there ,too someday.

thank you.xx

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