☼ mlrp: withdrawal syndrome from Wellbutrin? Also on remeron and lorazepam.

[mlrp]

Thank you, Arwen. I appreciate you stopping by! Yes, it's true, I had to search high and low on the internet for a specific reference to an interaction between Remeron and grapefruit. I did, finally, find one. But I trust Wulfgar and others on this website who have done the research and are so willing to share their knowledge. It's unconscionable that big pharma and the medical profession treat critical information like this in such a cavalier manner.   

 

Good luck to you - it looks like you are making slow, steady progress!

[mlrp]

Thursday, 08/07

 

Depression 6/10

Anxiety 4/10

 

Much less pronounced epinephrine morning; still considerable sensitivity to light and noise, especially early on, but minimal anxiousness (I'll take it!).

As the morning wore on, increased pressure in my head, and the dull, fairly painful awareness of overall, generalized depression. Forced myself to concentrate on work when I didn't want to and it wasn't comfortable. Eventual improvement. Now, at 4:00 p.m., tired, but with a lighter-feeling "blah," bordering on neutral. Charming. :-\ Except for the glimmers of light that do occur when I work on adjusting my perspective by working my program, CBT, taking a moment with my higher power, etc.

 

I wish everyone continued healing, with at least some moments of real relief. I am grateful for you all.

[Athena]

Hey mlrp, sorry to see that you have felt depressed, and for the "blah" feeling... I am in the "grrrr" department today like you say. As long as we can keep on with our onomatopoeias, I'm sure it's a good sign of recovery!!

 

Take care, big hug.

[arwen]

Thanks mlrp.

 

I am doing reasonably well, I have been free of Paxil for one week. The worst may still come, but I try not to obsess about it too much. 

I even had a few moments when I felt like my old self Very short, and then it was gone, but it gave me hope that one day I will feel good again most of the time. I don't even want 100% of what I was, I would be content with 95%

 

I hope you also see progress in your recovery.

[Altostrata]

merged topics to keep all in one place, since mirp's question was answered.

[mattinsmom]

Saying hello.

[mlrp]

Friday 08/08

 

Depression 6/10

Anxiety 6/10

 

Work was so busy, I barely had time to think about symptoms. Except to notice that I felt so flat - whenever anxiety abates, it seems that anhedonia becomes more pronounced - and then my depression worsens as I begin to compare my life "before" to what it is that I am "now." 

 

Went to dinner with family and was anxious for a good part of it, but muddled through. I saw photos of myself for the first time in many months, and was shocked. I used to look considerably younger than I was, and in these photos I saw a fat, dull-eyed woman of about 63, not 53. I barely recognize myself anymore. The more I read, learn, and experience, the more I am convinced that the weight that I am gaining is only going to keep piling on as long as I am on Remeron.

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

Saturday 08/09

 

Depression 7/10

Anxiety 6/10

 

The morning wasn't a very good one - I had slept nearly 10 1/2 hours (!) - and had considerable anxiety most of the morning. I do continue to dream. Last night's was a somewhat unsettling dream about finding a stray cat. But, it was a great improvement over the nightmare of the night before during which my husband and I were running to escape a raging forest fire and I fell, succumbing to the smoke, while my husband ran on, not realizing he was leaving me behind.

 

Depression group went well enough this morning. It is, however, becoming increasingly difficult to pretend in such clinical settings that I don't think the biggest problems I have right now are the medications. As I become more educated and learn once again to trust the intuition that used to be my very reliable guide through life, I am coming more and more to that conclusion. I find it unconscionable that one of the women in my group who has already been on and off multiple psych drugs in her life and who is overweight and by her own admission "obsessed" with food should have recently been prescribed Remeron!! She's only been on it a few weeks and whereas initially she said she thought it was helping, she is now complaining that it isn't working as well as at the beginning and she has taken to eating almost constantly.  I want to tell her, to tell them all, how damaging these drugs are, but I just have to sit there and mention my "ambivalence" about the meds while acknowledging that group isn't really an appropriate "forum" in which to discuss these views. 

 

If you've stopped by here, for whatever reason, I wish you well in your recovery journey. If you are an SA friend with whom I haven't checked in lately, please know it isn't for lack of interest or concern. I think about all of you, and look in on your threads, even if I don't always post. 

 

Sometimes it's difficult to interact as much as one would like - I know you understand. 

 

Today started with anxiousness, missing my "old" life and seriously questioning whether I would ever get it back, and not a few tears about it all. I had time in the middle of the day for quiet introspection, which I haven't had in some time (I've been uneasy about being on my own, but then discovered that it wasn't a bad thing after all that my husband was called away from the house for most of the day. I didn't fall apart - despite some slight anxiety - and had time to "sit" quietly with my situation. This evening ended with church, an AlAnon meeting, and reflecting on how the God of Elijah wasn't in the wind, nor in the earthquake, nor in the fire but, rather, in a gentle whisper heard in the stillness at the mouth of a cave. <-- Note to self to practice more "conscious contact with God as I understand him."

 

I did succumb to eating junk food at lunch and dinner but, then, progress not perfection. 

 

And, I'm trying not to fall prey to any sort of dread over falling asleep in anticipation of yet another horrible morning. 

 

There are countless negative "what ifs" that I will allow to invade my thinking when I'm not careful. How about, instead, the "what if" in "what if tomorrow I wake up peacefully - feeling calm, rested, and serene?" 

 

I wish the same for all of you here.

[Athena]

Hello mlrp,

 

Thank you for giving me "one of your too many hours of sleep", it worked!!

 

I know it is difficult for you right now. I can relate to missing your old self and your old image. And I find it all goes together. But they do both come back! I used to have kind of a swollen face from all these years of  medication, and swollen/patchy eyes. I have noticed lately that it's slowly going away (seeing pictures of myself about 2 years ago, I see I have changed.) But the nicest thing comes from my mother who told me "You have your good eyes back", which means that I don't have that dull look anymore in my eyes, but rather the sparkles that I used to have.

 

I think we need to focus on one day at a time (and I am soooo not a perfect example of that but...(!)) so it doesn't become discouraging and after a while we notice the things that have changed. Do you have time to do fun things, just for fun, just to change the ideas in your head...? And even if we used to be physically a lot more active, I find that even a walk helps a lot, not only for the metabolism but also to decrease those nasty depression feelings.

 

I wish you a sunny sunday, and I keep you in my thoughts. Hug!

[mlrp]

Thank you, Athena - signs of your progress definitely keep me encouraged. I know there will be a light in my eyes, too, one day - I'm going to see this thing through! I do try to engage in enjoyable activities, and I'm having more luck with that as time goes on. Initially, I had such bad anhedonia that I would actually feel pain experiencing things that used to bring me pleasure - going to hear friends play music, for instance. Even today, though things are better now, I have to pace myself. I simply can't do all of the things that I would like to do without becoming overwhelmed and risking a wave. 

 

I remember you mentioned dance. I was never trained as a dancer - though I've had lots of theatre training. But I love dance and I guess I have a natural affinity for it. It's been years now, since I've done any dancing at all. One day... How about you?

 

I'm doing ok, really. I suppose that during a wave, though, I tend to post more negatively. I think I'm still somewhat in a wave, but it's nighttime now - just before bed and that is usually when I feel my best.

 

NOTE TO SELF: Consider that the 3 mg of Melatonin that I took on Friday night for sleep may have contributed to worse depression on Saturday morning.

 

Today 08/10

 

Depression 5/10

Anxiety 6/10

 

Wishing everyone peace and recovery.

[Athena]

Yes, you will have the light!

Oh yes, I very much understand that you have to pace yourself. I do too. When I have a LITTLE BIT of energy I tend to do all the things that have been waiting to be done, and then be exhausted and have more symptoms. And then I say "Patience, Athena! Slowly, Athena!" And then grrr!! So difficult to acquire, this patience!

 

No, I can't dance right now and haven't been for awhile, but yes, one day! Sometimes I dance in my kitchen, better than nothing!

 

I do run a little bit, a couple of times a week, when my symptoms are low, alternating with walking. I haven't been for almost 2 months now. I miss it.

 

I think it's ok to write whats on your mind, even if it's not always positive. You think maybe the melatonin has increased your depression symptom?

 

Have a peaceful day. Sending hope your way.

[mlrp]

08/11

Last night's sleep somewhat fitful. It wasn't helped by a series of 3 and 4 a.m. nonsense phone calls from my mom. (Phone is getting switched off tonight.) Sleep hygeine has been kind of crappy lately - it was a junk food week-end (bad idea), and I've tried going without my usual relaxation sounds while falling asleep. Hate thinking that they are absolutely necessary - but if that's the worst of my problems...!

 

Depression 5/10 and anxiety 5/10 are taking more a backseat to my feelings of nervous exhaustion from disrupted sleep. I actually prefer this. I think this gives creedence to the notion that anxiety/depression typical of my "cortisol" mornings are neuro-emotions, whereas the authentic feeling-state of nervous exhaustion from disrupted sleep is a "real" emotion. "Real," or organic, feels better than "chemically induced," or "neuro-pathic," even when the feeling in question is an unpleasant one.

 

I'm gearing up for making my first Remeron cut (gulp!)

 

More to follow...

[alex]

I'm gearing up for making my first Remeron cut (gulp!)

 

 

 

Go for it!

We are here for you..always.

 

Hugs.

[dalsaan]

Hi Mirp

 

Please hold open the option that your first cut may in fact be painless and that you can go slow enough to avoid significant withdrawal. You are taking the right approach and I'm confident it will be ok. If you stress too much about the cut and build it up it may become a self for filling prophecy

 

D

[mlrp]

Please hold open the option that your first cut may in fact be painless and that you can go slow enough to avoid significant withdrawal.

 

 

Excellent advice, D! And you've actually touched on another thought I have about this Remeron taper, which is that just because I destabilized and became sensitized to Wellbutrin due to my klunky taper on it, it doesn't necessarily follow that I will have as rough a time with Remeron, especially if I'm smart and conservative about it. I understand, of course, that w/d syndrome can mean that all bets are off regarding meds and tapers but just as there are no guarantees that it will go smoothly, there are no guarantees that it will be really horrible, either.

 

I haven't made the cut quite yet, but I'm thinking now's the time because:

• I'm following the "let your body be your ultimate guide" approach, and I just have this intuitive sense that my body wants to start the process of getting off this stuff
• I used to be able to really trust my intuition - since ADs, that has been severely hampered - but I am just beginning to tune back into it and I'm learning to trust it  - and myself - again
• Somewhere inside, I sense that I'm about as "stable" as I'm ever going to get while still on these meds - a dull, generalized depressed state, with very occasional windows and more frequent waves of anxiety/depression. I'm going to take some time to meditate and get in touch with higher power on this, but I think it's time to start healing.

What if... it all goes really, really well?

[mlrp]

08/13 Wed

 

Depression 5/10 ~

Anxiety 5/10 ~

 

Still the same cortisol/adrenaline mornings, despite sleeping through the night. Never wake feeling rested. Experienced occasional acute spikes in weepy anxiety that seem to subside if I remind myself that they are products of w/d. The good news, I suppose, is that it's getting easier to distinguish between "organic," authentic feelings and neuro-emotions. And if I catch them in time, I can "reason" them mostly away in fairly short order.

 

I get hit, frequently, with sensations of hopelessness and wanting to be done with this nightmare. The overall fatigue of just facing another day in this altered existence can feel daunting.

 

I don't know if registering these kinds of negative feelings helps, except in aid of seeing patterns in hindsight. I really need to get "closer to my program." I feel it when I'm not actively practicing 12-step principles "in all my affairs."

 

I'm so weary of this. I can see that it's definitely time to attempt that first Remeron cut - probably this week-end. Of course, in the back of my mind are all the fears about where this will lead but the journey begins with a single step and really, I have every reason to believe I can do this and that I can recover.

 

I just wish I could rest. Feel rested, refreshed. Have a little trip to the beach planned in September. But before then, there's work (budgets!) that's heating up.

 

My heart goes out to each of you in your struggles.

 

I know some of us have all we can do just to dress and shower, while others of us are holding down jobs, and active in other ways. I think, though, that part of what we have in common is the pain, struggle, and challenge we face in going from point A (whatever that is) to point B (whatever that is).

 

Damn these drugs. I would willingly take part in any medical study (that didn't involve more drugs!) about the effects of ADs and AD w/d.

 

Love and light, everyone.

[dalsaan]

Hi Mirp

 

I have that never feel rested stuff. I think it's the remeron disturbing your sleep architecture. I have found a mix of magnesium, taurine and sleep hypnosis has helped. I woke up yesterday fresh as a daisy on my usual less than desirable time sleeping. And I dreamt!

 

Sleep has been a key difficulty for me. In my experience you have to attend to 100 little things to get it on the right track

 

D

[Athena]

Exactly Dalsaan!! Same here. 100 little things.

 

Thinking of you mlrp. Peace and hope to you.

[mlrp]

Dalsaan, and Athena, Thanks for looking in on me. Big hug to you both!

 

08/14

 

Depression 4/10

Anxiety 4/10

 

It's important that I record some of the small positives I've been experiencing. They're small enough that I could easily overlook them, and would certainly forget them rather quickly if I hadn't registered them here.

• Last Saturday, I had a very brief moment of pleasure clipping coupons from the color supplements. OK, how sad is that, right? : I don't care what the source of pleasure was - the fact that I had it - a tiny bit of joy - the retreat of the anhedonia that colors much of my day - was great!
• Last night, I not only dreamed, but part of the dream was actually pleasant! Most of it was disconcerting but that little bit of it was really nice. How really, really cool is that? I don't think I've had a pleasant dream, or part of a dream, in over two years!
• I had another one of my "window-like" commutes home today - actually found myself thinking I could possibly have the energy to have a yard sale some nice weekend coming up. OK, so the window kind of shut down once I got home (often does), but having another nice drive home was a treat. 

Good things to think about as I look ahead to tomorrow evening and, hopefully, my first Remeron cut. Woo-hoo!

[alex]

Positive,colorful,bright post!!!

GOOD for you!! That is the way to do it.

"Every thought you have creates your future"

 

Woo-hoo!!

 

Hugs,A.

[arwen]

They may be only small thinks, but very important, they build our life, they transform our life. I am happy for you and wish you to have moments like those more and more often.

 

Sometimes I forget to appreciate them, thank you for reminding me.

 

Interesting how the dreams stop or become nightmares at higher dose, and then they are back when you decrease it, very vivid for a while, until they are back to the normal - I am again at "very vivid" stage and somehow I enjoy this.

 

May you have interesting dreams too, maybe they help the brain heal!

[dalsaan]

well done on documenting your positives, they can be easily overlooked because they are small or we are not in the habit of seeing them.  To me they represent hope and evidence of the capacity to heal.

 

Dalsaan

[mlrp]

So, here we go...

 

08//15

 

Approx. 3 wks into dosing with home made Wellbutrin solution

 

First night dosing with home made Remeron solution and my first cut - a conservative 2 ml off of a 30 ml dose - so not quite 10%

 

Depression 4/10

Anxiety 5/10

 

I'm happy and excited to be finally starting my Remeron taper. Also more than a bit anxious, and falling into the trap of reading things that strike me as negative and treating them as some kind of infallible truth. Or, trying not to dwell on how long the entire tapering process could actually take (NOT thinking about it... ) But, really, mostly very happy (relative term in w/d) to finally be on my way. 

 

So... the Remeron seemed to dissolve quite readily in water. The solution was much cloudier/milkier than the Wellbutrin solution, and I"m sure it isn't easy to tell by the naked eye exactly how soluble it is, but it seems to have been fine. Taste is tolerable - not pleasant but nowhere near as bitter as the Wellbutrin solution. 

 

I'd read somewhere here about someone having burning sensations / itchy skin taking the Remeron solution, so I took two half doses an hour apart. I did notice a very mild warmth, almost a very slight sense of swelling in my tongue and soft tissue of my mouth when i took the first dose, but nothing major - I don't think it will be an issue. 

 

Thanks to everyone here, especially those who have offered kind words of support - it means so much to know I'm (we're) not alone. 

 

Woo Hoo!! Look at me, I'm tapering! 

 

Wishing everyone peace, love, courage, and light.

[arwen]

Thank you for your encouragement on my thread. You are so right. It feels good to know we are not alone.

 

About reading negative stuff, I also do it sometimes, and then obsess about it in a very unhealthy way. The trick for me is to catch myself doing it and to stop before I go too deep into it. I am not actually an optimist by nature. I am a kind of a realist always considering the worst case scenario in front of me. Sometime this strategy is helpful. It makes me more cautious, it prevents disappointment. But other times it torments me without getting anything in return.

 

The positive attitude needs some effort, but it is so worth it. Even the physical symptoms become more bearable.

 

I wish you luck with your tappering, and be patient. You are not alone!

[mattinsmom]

I'm glad to hear that tapering is going so well for you. One thing I would say to keep in mind - be careful with the mouth swelling/sensations. I had them with a med change. They were short-lived and no harm came but just be watchful. 

 

Shouting out a "WOOT WOOT" to how great you are feeling. 

[mlrp]

You are so right, Amy, can't be too careful!  - fortunately, I haven't had any subsequent symptoms of swelling in mouth or throat since that initial dose.

 

08/16-17 Week-end

 

Depression 6/10

Anxiety 5/10

 

I'm writing this on 08/18, and true to w/d form, I can barely remember my feeling states (good or bad) from the week-end. I'd say, overall, that things are about the same.

 

Still struggling with those mornings - now, it's not so much the panicky anxiety of the "cortisol morning" variety, but more a deep-seated angst and malaise. Wake up sensitive to light and sound, and very fatigued - that "not rested" feeling. And, mostly, verrry cranky that I still have to deal with these a.m. symptoms. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Still, could this be an ever so slight improvement over "cortisol morning" panic? I think, perhaps, yes.

 

What is almost certainly fueling any depression/anxiety: Very distressing developments regarding my mom, who was admitted to hospital for a three day "psych evaluation" after a number of days of acting out and drawing the attention of the local police (who already know her well). Fifty-plus years worth of details feed into this that I don't have time or space here to record. I'm not happy about this, but because our relationship is so dangerous to my own well-being at this time, I can only be so involved. To put this in AlAnon terms, I am powerless over her situation, and I turn her over - with prayers and love - to the care of her higher power, who loves her even more than I do. I also let go of the outcome, since I am powerless over that, as well. This is all I can do.

 

Days 2 and 3 of Remeron at 28 ml. A tiny 2 ml cut - less than 10% but I really want to take this as conservatively as possible, especially at first.

 

That said, I think I'm continuing to put on weight and I'm virtually certain that the Remeron is to blame for keeping me lethargic and down in the mornings and low energy throughout the day. So... if there does come a day when I can taper at a slightly faster rate or percentage, I will welcome it. But First Things First - taper correctly from the start!

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

August 18

Depression 5/10

Anxiety 6/10

 

Super-busy, demanding workdays ahead through the end of August. I am blessed to work in a supportive environment but the work can be very hectic, so I may not be around as much for a bit - with the exception of updates to my thread.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So, if you're new, and you've gotten this far in my thread, here is one of my definite LESSONS LEARNED: Do not make skipped doses a part of your taper, however long-standing or "conservative." I've paid a pretty dear price for doing just that, having been misinformed by my doctors.

 

Light and love to everyone. SA is such a special place. It is a major component in my recovery.

 

 

[mlrp]

August 19

 

Anxiety 3/10

Depression 3/10

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Super-busy at work today. Wish I had more time to individually wish all my SA friends well.

 

Reporting considerable decrease in "cortisol morning" symptoms. Noticed that my "pre-awake" brain was clear and rested feeling. Didn't expect it to last very long, but a very noticeable and positive feeling. My morning - while far from perfect, or the "old me," - was much better overall, despite a very hectic pace to work.

 

Delivered some mail to an office colleague and noticed while walking through the hall that my head didn't have that 500-lb. foggy heaviness to it, the heavy, dark curtain in my brain wasn't down(!) Really noticed the difference.

 

I think this may be the beginning of a window - and I think, without wanting to project too much (or jinx it  ), may be a more substantial window. It feels, somehow, as if it's been predicated by the foundation of each successive prior window - as if I really am "building" upon something. And this is in conjunction with what I've been reporting lately (even while still feeling "wavy"), that I've begun dreaming again, and I am having increasing success in not only generating "organic" emotion states, but being able to distinguish them from the yucky-horrible neuro-emotions. This window (if that is what it is) isn't particularly life-changingly wonderful. If anything, I'm very aware of all of the areas of my life that cause me worry, concern, sadness, etc. But I'm not, so far, being bowled over by them. Life on life's terms. Very reality-based.

 

--> Could it possibly be that I am already experiencing a positive effect after only four days of cutting my Remeron dose by only 2 ml.? I also think that nearly a month of very regular, consistent, and accurate (as possible) dosing of Wellbutrin is probably paying off. My brain is thanking me for the consistency.

 

All of this is written, of course, after a wave that - while not horrific - was pretty miserable and lasted for nearly a month, on and off.

 

But... signs of progress continue.

 

I really do believe that there is hope that my w/d can be alleviated, and I can safely and successfully taper off all meds. Slow and steady.

 

I write this in order to document and encourage myself, but mostly I want to offer hope to anyone who is suffering.

 

[Oh, and my mom is out of her "psych evaluation." None the worse for wear, I believe. True to form, after acting out and up and attracting the attention of authorities, she switched gears upon being admitted, presented rational (or, at least, as simply an eccentric old French lady) and got herself sprung.]

 

Pauvre France!

[andy]

Good to hear you cortisol mornings have settled down ,keep fighting the fight

[alex]

Good to hear you cortisol mornings have settled down ,keep fighting the fight

 

DITTO!!

[mlrp]

Thanks, Andy! I truly appreciate your support, and hope you are doing alright.

 

My phone tells me it's a cool 57 degrees (F) in Brum this evening. Love that city - I can't wait until I can visit there again.

[mlrp]

 

Good to hear you cortisol mornings have settled down ,keep fighting the fight

 

DITTO!!

 

Alex,

amigo! (that's about the extent of my Spanish!)

 

Thoughts of you are so often the wind beneath my wings - I wish you well!! <<hug>>

 

...speaking of wings... hoping dear Athena is doing well....? will look in on her soon.

[EternalOptimist]

Thnx MLRP. For your post to me today. I replied to it there.

I'm sorry about your mom's situation.

Amazing you're able to work, good for you. Can't be easy. My hat's off to you.

You wrote about cortisol mornings. I don't know if that's what I'm dealing with but I definitely feel very very brain sick, weird and weak in the morning, almost hard to get out of bed tho can't stand being in bed another second. Is that what it's like?

Best

EO

[Athena]

Oh my dear Mlrp!!!

 

I hadn't been here for about a week. We have had many problems with our apartment (especially disturbing noise from the neighbors, which is nothing to help insomnia...) during the last year, and we decided last weekend that we had enough and needed to move in order to preserve our health. Things are moving fast and it has been quite hectic!! I can't describe how touched I was by your word just now, checking on you.

 

I am so glad that you are feeling better these days and that you started your Remeron taper. Bravo bravo!!

 

I wont be able to come by often in the next couple of weeks. I will still think of you and send hope your way!!

 

Big hug!!

[mattinsmom]

I hope that you take the time to read back over your thread and see the improvements you are making as you come along. Sorry about your mom, well, all the years in the making, and yay for you letting go. I can still use a lot of work in that area. 

Keep keepin' on!

[Petunia]

I just read back through some of your earlier posts mlrp, its clear how much progress you have made.  I'm also happy to hear that your cortisol mornings have improved.  I have confidence that you will successfully get off your medications and recover, you haven't been on them long.

 

I admire your attitude towards your mom, its so difficult when we love someone who is harmful to our own wellbeing.

 

It sounds like you have adjusted to your new job, I'm glad you found us when you did.  Thank you for the regular updates and for supporting others here on the site.

[Athena]

Mlrp!
 
You probably already know, but just found an article by Dr Mercola talking about vitamin D for decreasing depression AND pre-diabetes.

I dont know how to paste it here. I'll try to post something in the self-care section if it's not already there.

 

Take care!

[mlrp]

Hi, everyone.

 

I'm sorry I haven't been able to look in on how folks are doing. I hope anyone reading this is progressing as well as possible. Slow and steady wins this race <--note to self!

 

Updates 08/20 - 08/24

 

08/20

 

Unfortunately, my window of 08/19 closed. Very stressful day at work. Came home with the intention of allowing myself a little cry to release tension and ended up in full-blown meltdown. Some of the worst, most negative thinking I've experienced in a while. My husband helped me pull it together enough to go to my Thur. night AlAnon meeting. He went with me.

 

08/21

 

One full week of Remeron tapered to 28 ml. - some of my negative feelings could be due to this small cut. Also having a little more GI symptoms, but nothing serious.

 

I wouldn't say I was caught up in a wave, but the window was definitely closed. True to the nature of this syndrome, I have trouble remembering, or recalling in terms of sense-memory, what the window really felt like. I have an intellectual memory of it, and I know it was different (in a good way) to other, prior windows, but there is no way that I can just "summon" that feeling state back. That's what tells me that it's the drugs that are "in charge." Before drugs (they're not medication anymore as far as I'm concerned - I consider myself in a drugged state that I unwittingly entered into and that I now have to fight my way back out of), even when I was down, or depressed, I could, at some point, summon the ability to recall a more positive emotional perspective. Now there are times when, no matter how much I try, I simply can't do that. I know I will overcome eventually. But for now, windows are things that happen to me when my brain has somehow made enough connections and gotten them firing correctly enough to restore my homeostasis. I believe this will one day, once again, be my "normal."

 

08/23

 

Depression 7/10

Anxiety 6/10

 

"Cortisol" mornings have returned - perhaps not as pronounced as in the past. I sort of can't tell anymore. I know, intellectually, I'm improved (greatly) over where I was, say, 12 months ago. But it's just so wearying - having to remember, or try to, what feeling better felt like.

 

Continuing to read Anatomy of an Epidemic. I am so grateful to Rhi for recommending it. Should be required reading for membership in SA  Kidding, but it's that informative.

 

So, I'd just finished the section where the theory of chemical imbalances (particularly serotonin deficiency) as a cause of depression has been debunked - and soundly - when I went to my Saturday morning depression group therapy. The counselor starts the session with a brief review of the approaches we have been taking to combat our depression - starting with the commitment we need to make to the medications we have been prescribed to help with the chemical imbalances in our brains - especially low levels of serotonin!! And this is a woman, with a PhD in psychology from another country, who is working on a second PhD here, in order to become licensed to practice here in the States. So... she's an intelligent, caring woman with the best intentions, but she's been duped, just like the rest of us. I just bite my tongue. Unfortunately, it just isn't the forum to bring up what I am learning.

 

I'm also seriously re-thinking the term, "depressed." I'm learning so much here at SA, including the concept that "depressed," as a descriptor is such a generic, non-specific term that, in many ways, it's somewhat meaningless. Better, perhaps, to think in terms of specifics, like "sad," "fearful," "lethargic," "confused," etc.

 

I really want to thank everyone for all the support I receive here. I really do plan on being an eventual success story here. Days like today make it feel as if that day is a long way away. But, I'm ever hopeful...

 

Will try to check in on everyone soon. Next week is another bear week at work with budgets, etc.