IndigoEarthling: 10 months cold turkey. I can't believe I'm still here!

[Pugknows]

At least your niece's gum fell onto the kitchen table and not in the dryer with the contaminated towels.

[Pugknows]

My pug Opie smells too. Everybody in my family comments. I'm getting to like it these days. He smells better than I do.

[btdt]

JDM, I haven't ever experienced this intensity of feeling before. It's hopelessness mixed with anxiety, mixed with distress and agitation. I guess I am second guessing myself. Maybe I am cycling and its the mood disorder, or maybe it is withdrawal. I don't know. But I am holding on for dear life right now. I pray that this will pass. I just can't imagine going through this for another week, month or year.

 

Going to try and go for a run or something and get this anxiety out of my system.

That sure sounds like withdrawal to me the only thing worse I have ever felt in my life was being COMPLETELY CRAZY taking prozac for 2 wks years ago.  

Withdrawal has the worst of all the symptoms people take these drug to treat that is why people don't stop taking them it hurts it is crazy making. 

 

When I tried to take the drugs the neurologist gave me... I got worse.  At one point I tried to communicate that to him.. he gave me a very low dose of one drug 2mg of what would normally be much higher like 50.. but I could see by his face and conversation he did not believe me.  As it turned out I could not tolerate the 2mg either and just did not go back .. until my gp sent me back for another issue that came up.  He asked if I was taking the drug still... I said not it did not work out.  

We don't have many doctors here so I have to take him is what I am told but I do wonder if he thinks poorly of me for not complying with his drugs... 

I have the impression he thinks me a difficult patient not because of what goes on with me but because he does not believe I could have reactions as bad as I do.  All he has to go on is my word.  

Every reaction takes something more from me, that I know I am tired of having drug reactions... very tires. 

 

I am not a great taper information person or re instatement person... Mods are way better than I am at this so please ask them for advice about going back on a med ... and or 

let them know what the doc suggested you take... if he did indeed make a suggestion.  I sure hope you check with people here first

I wish you peace 

[btdt]

JDM, I haven't ever experienced this intensity of feeling before. It's hopelessness mixed with anxiety, mixed with distress and agitation. I guess I am second guessing myself. Maybe I am cycling and its the mood disorder, or maybe it is withdrawal. I don't know. But I am holding on for dear life right now. I pray that this will pass. I just can't imagine going through this for another week, month or year.

 

Going to try and go for a run or something and get this anxiety out of my system.

That sure sounds like withdrawal to me the only thing worse I have ever felt in my life was being COMPLETELY CRAZY taking prozac for 2 wks years ago.  

Withdrawal has the worst of all the symptoms people take these drug to treat that is why people don't stop taking them it hurts it is crazy making. 

 

When I tried to take the drugs the neurologist gave me... I got worse.  At one point I tried to communicate that to him.. he gave me a very low dose of one drug 2mg of what would normally be much higher like 50.. but I could see by his face and conversation he did not believe me.  As it turned out I could not tolerate the 2mg either and just did not go back .. until my gp sent me back for another issue that came up.  He asked if I was taking the drug still... I said not it did not work out.  

We don't have many doctors here so I have to take him is what I am told but I do wonder if he thinks poorly of me for not complying with his drugs... 

I have the impression he thinks me a difficult patient not because of what goes on with me but because he does not believe I could have reactions as bad as I do.  All he has to go on is my word.  

Every reaction takes something more from me, that I know I am tired of having drug reactions... very tires. 

 

I am not a great taper information person or re instatement person... Mods are way better than I am at this so please ask them for advice about going back on a med ... and or 

let them know what the doc suggested you take... if he did indeed make a suggestion.  I sure hope you check with people here first

I wish you peace 

[Wildflower0214]

Now that I think about it, there was one time in my life were I experienced something similar- still a little bit more intense now by I had a memory hit me. Either way it doesn't matter, it's all trivial. I'm in the here and the now.

 

JDM how are you holding up?

I really really think it is WD. I do not believe you have a mood disorder. And, be careful about those memories, they play tricks on us in this state of mind. I understand your anxiety about this, but the only thing I have seen consistantly work, is for people to give themselves time to heal. I highly doubt you will come out on the other side of this the same person.

 

I am holding up. Lol I'm having my own battles with demons from the past, memories over and over, wondering if any if them are true or imagined, questions of who I am, who I will be, who I was, how I will endure...coupled with obsessiveness about whatever happens to bother me for the day, right now it is looking for certainty in anything in my life. Obviously, that one isn't working out well for me. There is always some doubt, even in faith. Nothing is 100%, or it would require no faith. So ya....that's my life right now. Distressing.

[Martina23]

IndigoEarthling, I was thinking about you. How are you?

[Patoski]

Indigo that's not your lifue right now that's your withdrawal your life is in the post it's coming promise you keep going mate

[IndigoEarthling]

IndigoEarthling, I was thinking about you. How are you?

Martina,

 

Hanging in there. Trying to stay positive and push myself past the compulsions. It's getting harder every day. I am forgetting what life was like before. When did I usually wash my hands? What things have always bothered me? Is it possible to get better?

 

Feeling so disheartened. Every day is a  struggle, I am seriously considering medicine. I saw a holistic psychiatrist who said she would like me to try an ssri short term until I can get the OCD under control. She called my therapist and they both agree. Meanwhile I have an apt Wed with a 2nd therapist, a follow up apt with the psychiatrist on the 7th and an MRI on the 11th. The nerve pain in my back is still bad and hasn't let up in over a week. 

 

I pray for relief everyday and tell myself I'mg getting a little better every day.  I think one of the biggest challenges is that I feel like I have no drive, nothing to live for. Even when I was depressed I had that ONE thing that gave me joy-allowed me to LIVE. I don't have that and haven't in 5 months. Trying to get back into watching movies, doing research and spend time with my family. Maybe then  life won't be so bleak.

[IndigoEarthling]

 

Now that I think about it, there was one time in my life were I experienced something similar- still a little bit more intense now by I had a memory hit me. Either way it doesn't matter, it's all trivial. I'm in the here and the now.

 

JDM how are you holding up?

I really really think it is WD. I do not believe you have a mood disorder. And, be careful about those memories, they play tricks on us in this state of mind. I understand your anxiety about this, but the only thing I have seen consistantly work, is for people to give themselves time to heal. I highly doubt you will come out on the other side of this the same person.

 

I am holding up. Lol I'm having my own battles with demons from the past, memories over and over, wondering if any if them are true or imagined, questions of who I am, who I will be, who I was, how I will endure...coupled with obsessiveness about whatever happens to bother me for the day, right now it is looking for certainty in anything in my life. Obviously, that one isn't working out well for me. There is always some doubt, even in faith. Nothing is 100%, or it would require no faith. So ya....that's my life right now. Distressing.

 

JDM,

 

I know how you feel- you took the words out of my mouth. The uncertainty is so overwhelming and makes faith seem impossible. Sometimes I wonder how I've made it-how we push ourselves to get up every day and face the uncertainty. Are you doing anything that lets you take your mind of things? Do you have support from family? 

[IndigoEarthling]

This past week has been tough. Was feeling depressed and agitated at the same time and I spiraled into suicidal depression. My periods are the worst. On the other hand, the OCD seems to have quieted a little. Not sure if it was replaced with depression or if it's actually decreasing. I pray it's on its way out- I'm not sure how much more I could take.

 

I had a random anxiety attack while at the movie theatre- something was making me anxious and all the sudden I couldn't feel my hands or feet. I was in shock for about 30 minutes and freaked my family out. I try not to feel ashamed about it but it is pretty embarrassing.

 

I visited my old psychiatrist again to see about getting back on medicine- he still said I should try to stick it out med free until warmer weather because it will take 2-3 months for me to feel better anyways. I explained to him how depressed and anxious I've been and how the OCD is unbearable. I had so many questions, including why was I so depressed and suicidal on meds? Why did I keep getting worse with medicine? So many questions, so much uncertainty. I'm terrified the meds won't help, I'm terrified that I am really bi polar II and will feel this way forever.

 

I want so badly for this to end. Going to try to make it to my 28th birthday. 12 years is a long time to be anxious and depressed. Maybe age 28 will be better.

[Martina23]

I think you have a great psychiatrist, most of them would already write prescriptions ...

[IndigoEarthling]

It's been a while since I've posted. I am officially 1 year medication free. I can honestly say I am doing better- although better steel feels awful I must admit. The OCD has gotten better- going to the store, cooking and day to day activities are less stressful although I still spend most of my weekends in bed minimizing contact with the world and therby avoiding any potential stressful situations.

 

The depression has gotten much worse over the last two months, but the suicidal thoughts have faded into the background so I consider that an improvment. I have begun exposure response prevention therapy with a psychologist and I hope that will continue to help me reduce the contamination obsession. I have also told work about my condition and they are being very accommodating- I start teleworking 2 days a week next week. The thing that has given me hope and allowed me to make it this far is the acupuncture. It's the only thing that gives me immediate relief. I am so thankful I have found something to look forward to.

 

On the other hand, it's still very hard for me to conceptualize life. I try not to think about anything other than this day- because anything more than that becomes overwhelming and slightly terrifying.I have to admit that this journey has taken a lot out of me. I pray that being young and trying to hold onto the threads of normalcy will help me overcome the cold turkey withdrawal after 10 years of drug use. I don't know how much longer I will have to endure, but I finally know that change is possible, and more importantly that I am a survivor- maybe not steadfast or tough or resilient or graceful or happy- but I am a survivor in the truest sense. My life is all about hope, healing, surrendering and radical acceptance.

t

Today I am medication free and taking stock of my journey. Thank you survivingantidepressants for giving me the strength to keep pushing on.

[IndigoEarthling]

I think I'm experiencing my first window after 4 months of pure hell. Yesterday I was all smiles during an apt with my psychologist. It wasn't even for a good reason at all- we had a much better session than usual and that felt good but the smiling was persistent. Afterwards the smiles kept creeping in. When my neice asked how my day was a couple hours later I smiled for the first time and said good. She hugged me because she knows it has been a long time since I smiled and felt more normal. I didn't force the smile, it came from a place deep inside of me I didn't know existed.

 

I still feel awful, but for a moment the world opened up to me. And now there is this curious smile stalking me. Turns out I am still capeable of happiness without medicine. Funny though I'm afraid to tell people I feel happy in case it doesn't last. Going to relish the moment and put my face out the window for as long as it is open and consider this an early birthday gift from the universe in honor of surviving to age 28 and over ing the hardest year of my entire life.

[Prestorb]

Yay Indigo! A nice way to start the weekend, good for you!

[IndigoEarthling]

Thanks for the kind words prestorb... Trying to let this all sync in!

[IndigoEarthling]

The depression and despair has been replaced with a quiet and deap dread that has left me in a state of constant stress.

 

The OCD is winning. It's taken over my life. Every breathe. Every word. Every thought. My grandpa died two weeks ago and I went to CA for his services. Big mistake. The anxiety and OCD consumed me. I could barely leave my hotel or my rental car. I sat around my cousins like a zombie. My mom had to stay with me every night and help me leave the hotel room. I could barely eat anything and experienced the deepest low Ive ever felt in my life. I knew the trip would be hard with the contamination OCD, but I had NO idea it could get that bad. I didn't realize how protected I was with my routine of home, work, therapist, grocery store, bed, repeat.

 

Even though the random depression that had plagued me on and off for the last 6 years of my life has left abruptly- I am now faced with situational depression that is choking me. I want so badly to end this personal hell. My sister snd my Neice drive me crazy with their dirtiness and my dog follows me around shaking. I'm trying so hard to be positive but I just want to check myself into s mental hospital and go back on meds to treat the OCD.

 

Moderators, please help! How can I tell if this was an underlying condition or if it is withdrawal? Should I continue to hold out or should I try medicine just for the OCD? I'be spent thousands of dollars on therapy for the OCD and haven't been reimbursed by insurance yet and the trip emptied almost all of my savings. I feel like I have no lifeline but I have no idea how I am going to make it through tomorrow. Do you have any advice?

[btdt]

I am not a moderator but I will answer till one of them gets here

 

"I didn't realize how protected I was with my routine of home, work, therapist, grocery store, bed, repeat."

 

The recent situation would be difficult for anyone in wd and the fact that you find these things above protective and not debilitating is a good hint that when you in your life you coping is ok.  To be able to do this much and work therapist ect... is a very good thing.  You're doing great compared to others in wd... I know it may not feel like it to you...just trust me on this.  Get things back to normal and wait it takes a long time for the brain body to heal... take good care and seek out the self care thread for hints on things to help. 

 

I wish you peace

[Altostrata]

IE, stressful situations can indeed make withdrawal syndrome worse.

 

Exactly how does your OCD manifest itself now?

 

Hang in, your nervous system will calm down again. See One theory of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome

[IndigoEarthling]

Thanks btdt for the words of encouragement! I really feel like I am failing at life- I get so close to throwing in the towell many times and feel so overwhelmed that I wonder if I am pushing myself too far. You can only hang on a cliff for so long.

 

Alto, the OCD got a little worse right before the trip- constantly double checking if the lid is on The vitamin bottle, if the car doors are locked, stove burners off and this eerie feeling of being stuck an unable to move. The contamination fears also continue. In some ways they are getting better but it's still hard watching my sister and neice touch the trash and then make a sandwich- it's also made cleaning dishes hard. I constantly have to make sure they are clean enough, scrub every inch and then wash forever to make sure the soap is off. I haven't been cooking- just making salad, sandwiches and soup until I get a handle on things. I made an apt to surrender my dog who I can barely stand to the city Tuesday. Waiting to hear back if a friend of a friend can take her, but I'm so stressed out and suck and tired of washing my hands every 10 minutes.

 

Unrelated though, I havebthis strange feeling of being alive. My concentration is so keen and I feel so in touch with my surroundings- everything feels much more real. I've also had the numbness and pain for the first time on my left arm and pinky finger. I've also got some weird acne bump and pimples- not as bad when I first got off the medicibe but similar? Maybe I am detoxing a little or maybe it's just cause I'm in the middle of my cycle. Either way I feel strangely alive and light apart from the OCD.

 

Wish I knew what was happening to my brain or what I can do to help it. Going to try the fish oil again and see if that helps the OCD in the mean time. I was taking it very day, alongside D3 and B12 but stopped and noticed my depression lifted around the same time. Going to try to add one thing at a time and see if that helps.

 

What do you think about going on meds to treat the OCD? I'm super worried because it's really debilitating and I'm concerned it's an underlying condition. Bizzarley, the hopelessness and anger is gone for the first time in years though...

[Altostrata]

Have you tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for the OCD?

 

People should be washing their hands before making food after handling garbage.

 

I have no idea what drugs might do for your OCD, but 95% of doctors would be happy to help you experiment.

[btdt]

 

 

 

 

I did not see one for ocd... but have used the self acceptance and the depression both and they helped me... 

You are still doing a lot while in wd maybe some more quiet time would be helpful just an idea

[IndigoEarthling]

Yes I love EFT- strangely it was more helpful for the depression and pain than for the OCD but it's a good tool I should keep close by. thank you for sharing the videos.

 

Yes people should wash their hands when touching garbage and use the foot lever instead of using their hand to throw something away but my Neice is a teenager and there are only so many times I can remind people to wash their hands. It's pretty unbearable where I live now and I have made it pretty tough for them as well.

 

I am doing CBT with exposure response prevention with my therapist now but I'm not sure how I feel about our dynamic. I emailed another psychologist who is with the international OCD foundation to see of we can meet- maybe she will be a better fit.

 

Tomorrow I will be going to my first OCD peer support group. I'm hoping they will have some insights for me in the meantime.

[btdt]

You know way back after I had prozac in 1990 I don't think anyone knew a thing about OCD then.. I had it so bad I would be up checking things all night long doors the stove ect.  Oddly enough I can't recall how it went away but it did and completely it was just gone. I can't say why it went. I know that is not much help but my memory is sketchy if it happens to come to me I will post back. 

I had some trouble with ocd the past few years when I was going thru withdrawal but nothing as bad as after my reaction to prozac I did not know what it was and nobody was going to tell me as I did not have psych doc.and nobody in those days ever talked about such things they did not exist as far as I knew. I never experienced anything like it before I took prozac. 

 

It has just crossed my mind that it would be awful to be in a OCD state and have to think all the time about OCD treatments and doctors and appointments on and on how does one stop thinking about it the OCD is bad enough but then there are so many things to do about it too... I know what I am trying to say but I don't know that I am saying it right... or well. 

 

 some may say I do still as I am always looking things up online now days I just think it is how I am.  

 

Let me try it this way baby blues in the older days when a woman had them other woman came around them and they make quilts and everybody knew what it was most had it before or had a loved who had it... everyone was accepting of it and expected it to be self limiting. From what I know it those days it mostly was there were a few stories where a younger sister or cousin went to help out some be supportive and what not but for the most part it was expected to just go away... I can't say for sure that it always did but if it didn't I never heard any stories that it didn't.  

 

If woman in my family are known for anything it is stories and old wives tails on how to fix things

 

This are much more complicated these days and there is less acceptance though we talk about acceptance much more it feels like it is all us and them on so many levels for some many stupid things ball games pick a team hair clothes money cars jobs blah blah blah...some times it feels like we have not evolved to any thing higher at all. 

 

Sorry went off and a tangent there... but I do worry we are not as human as we once were or could be... know more maybe but at what cost. 

with that I too think my man there should have made a EFT video for OCD

I wish you peace

[btdt]

This past week has been tough. Was feeling depressed and agitated at the same time and I spiraled into suicidal depression. My periods are the worst. On the other hand, the OCD seems to have quieted a little. Not sure if it was replaced with depression or if it's actually decreasing. I pray it's on its way out- I'm not sure how much more I could take.

 

I had a random anxiety attack while at the movie theatre- something was making me anxious and all the sudden I couldn't feel my hands or feet. I was in shock for about 30 minutes and freaked my family out. I try not to feel ashamed about it but it is pretty embarrassing.

 

I visited my old psychiatrist again to see about getting back on medicine- he still said I should try to stick it out med free until warmer weather because it will take 2-3 months for me to feel better anyways. I explained to him how depressed and anxious I've been and how the OCD is unbearable. I had so many questions, including why was I so depressed and suicidal on meds? Why did I keep getting worse with medicine? So many questions, so much uncertainty. I'm terrified the meds won't help, I'm terrified that I am really bi polar II and will feel this way forever.

 

I want so badly for this to end. Going to try to make it to my 28th birthday. 12 years is a long time to be anxious and depressed. Maybe age 28 will be better.

". I had so many questions, including why was I so depressed and suicidal on meds? Why did I keep getting worse with medicine? So many questions, so much uncertainty."

 

some words from Healy

". 

Costly Distraction

Meanwhile more effective and less costly treatments were marginalised. The success of the SSRIs pushed older tricyclic antidepressants out of the market. This is a problem because SSRIs have never been shown to work for the depressions associated with a greatly increased risk of suicide (melancholia). The nervous states that SSRIs do treat are not associated with increased risk of suicide.11"

You see these drugs don't always work.. for everybody or for every type of depression. I know it is quite a thing to hear when you have placed your entire life on the advertisement that they work...even the name... anti depressant means they should work. Been there got the t shirt... I believed it too then wondered what was wrong with me... why did they not work... I got side effects you can call  it bipolar if you want... but I got side effects - each one affected me differently just like the difference between say pot and booze they are both drugs I am sure booze and pot hit some of the same receptors but they don't both affect me the same way. 

Just some food for thought for you...

and the link

http://www.madinamerica.com/2015/04/long-thanks-serotonin/

Serotonin Myth

In the 1990s, no academic could sell a message about lowered serotonin. There was no correlation between serotonin reuptake inhibiting potency and antidepressant efficacy. No one knew if SSRIs raised or lowered serotonin levels; they still don’t know. There was no evidence that treatment corrected anything.7

[Altostrata]

Good work, IE. You're taking care of yourself.

[IndigoEarthling]

How many times can you hit rock bottom before you break? Recently I have found that I just break into smaller and smaller pieces until the fragments of my former self are nothing but tainted memories. All the while I am carving new depths of despair I never knew were possible.

 

Last night was rough- feeling very suicidal over the OCD and even made a plan last night rough. I want help but I am trapped. It's weird. For the first time in a long time I'm not randomly depressed or angry- just anxious and overwhelmed. I had no idea that being anxious all the time could make someone suicidal.

 

I have an apt tomorrow with a new psychologist who works with the international OCD foundation. She says she has had success working with clients who don't want to take medicine to treat the OCD because of the side effects. I made an apt with the psychiatrist last week as well because I realized I have been thinking about suicide a lot and feeling like the OCD has taken over my life. I thought maybe a low dose of benzos might help me to cope better. But then I thought I should wait to hear how my apt goes with the new psychologist so I cancelled. Now I'm wishing I would have kept the apt. The thing is, I was suicidal and SUPER anxious on the cocktail of medicine I was on. Looking back I even had some crazy OCD tendencies that I experienced while on lexapro and klonopin- I would even say that the feeling of anxiety was just as bad then and in some ways worse than it is now. Currently I am experiencing mostly anxious thoughts, rumination and less fight or flight. Yet I am still miserable. Is medicine the solution or problem? Should I take a leave of absence and go to an intensive OCD program? I feel like there is no help for me and that my only option is to suffer.

 

My mom is visiting and my mood has made everyone's life much worse! I feel bad for everything we do takes forever and is shrouded in my anxiety. I have an OCD support group tomorrow night- my family will be coming to get support from other family members so maybe I will feel better?

 

Anyone out there? Trying to stay positive but I've lost all hope. I appreciate any advice people can give. I'm 14 months cold turkey BTW....

[ten0275]

IndigoEathling, hello.

 

i am so sorry you are suffering as you are. it is intense that you cold-turkeyed off your drugs a bit over a year ago - i applaud your perseverance in pushing forward, while fully respecting the hell you've traversed to do so. i hope you acknowledge the strength you've applied.

 

how many times can you hit rock bottom before you break? for me, the answer was many more times than i ever imagined, and many more than i ever wanted to. you've obviously discovered the same. the perceived fragmentation of your former self, memories - those slivers are puzzle pieces displaced, but i'd argue they aren't tainted, though i remember envisioning precisely the same. it not so much what your personal puzzle looks like now, rather how you are attempting to put it back together - and what you'll be able to display when you ultimately do. i think as human beings, we have the extraordinary capacity to emerge from absolute atrocious conditions and re-envision, re-realize, the entire landscape of our composition. part of this takes no effort on our part, save for allowing our dynamic and repair-capable nervous systems the space and conducive environment to heal from the battery of chemicals they've sustained for so long. our portion of the effort comes in maintaining this environment, mitigating the symptoms we can, enduring, and assuring our stability to the extent we have control. though it feels like the heart hardens under the torture we endure, rest assured your are intact in ways you'll only fully understand when you have healed.

 

your OCD sounds terrible, you have my full compassion. my particular experience with OCD were intense visions and impulses to do harm to both myself, and others. i had no prior OCD tendencies. i've always been a fairly organized human. looking around my desk right now i see most of my items are organized in a somewhat refined way. maybe i'm a bit of a neat freak, i always have been. but OCD, obsessions - these were not part of my makeup on any troublesome scale prior to withdrawal. i suffered from my form of "OCD" for the first 6 to 12 months solidly, and then to a lesser degree over the next 12 months - and i didn't even cold turkey. now, i am free from the symptom - and it was the psychological symptom that inflicted the most terror. i believe you will be free too. it does not sound like you had debilitating OCD prior to withdrawal. i am a firm believer that if it came or intensified with withdrawal, it will go or subside with withdrawal. i believe this because i experienced it directly, and have seen it repeatedly in others.

 

i think you are doing so many right things. having a psychologist who will not push you to intervene with chemicals is very excellent. developing coping skills, it's a total necessity. what coping mechanisms have you tried thus far? let me tell you a few that might help, as they helped me.

 

**drawing your thoughts - i once read the case history of a librarian who had obsessive thoughts. she believed that she might possibly infect the readers of books she touched and returned to their shelves as part of her job. these thoughts intensified to the point where she almost resigned her position. what saved her was drawing her thoughts out on to paper, characterizing her obsessions in illustration. she would literally draw pictures of the microbes she believed she was spreading, pictures of her putting the books on the shelves, pictures of library patrons picking up the books - the whole process. she found that it relieved the degree to which she obsessed internally over the thoughts - by placing them in an external environment - on paper. and as horrid as my own intrusive thoughts were, i drew the things. and i am a crap artist, so more than once i actually laughed at the attempts to draw my personal horror-show. by putting your thoughts onto paper, you are focusing your energy on getting them out of your head. it is at once symbolic and also physical. i highly recommend it. i also found it cathartic to shred my drawings afterward as a symbol that i ultimately would endure and surpass the thoughts that tortured me.

 

**distraction - i found that in stores, if i began having obsessive thoughts, i could lessen the severity of them through distraction and particularly, reading. i would pick up a box of something and start reading the ingredient list like i really cared what the contents of Corn Flakes are. if i was shopping with someone, i would say "hey, did you know corn flakes have 24 grams of carbs per serving? wow!" just the consumption of useless factoids acted as a vital enough distraction to sway my negatively focused mind. i began carrying my kindle in my pocket so that i could read something random and distracting whenever i needed. it didn't cure me of the OCD, but it sucked some of the force out of it. and that is key in being able to endure.

 

i would not recommend benzos. withdrawal from them can also cause "OCD"-style symptoms. i would continue finding non-drug methods to alleviate symptoms as you can. i made the mistake of trying to drug away the thoughts/obsessions on two voluntary hospital admissions. it simply did not help.

 

i hope you will continue to update as you can and by all means, don't lose hope. it is easy to look around and see the damage that withdrawal incurs in our lives, relationships, and psyches - because it is so glaringly obvious. it is much harder to see the impressive nature of the fortitude needed to get as far as we have on our own paths and through our own symptoms. can you take some deep breaths, center yourself, and aknowledge your goodness, your strengths? it takes practice.

 

so how many times can you hit rock bottom before you break? i have no idea. but you are decidedly not broken. you are suffering with courage and dignity to ultimately reconstruct yourself from the fires so many of us have found ourselves in. it is so often the once-thought-lost puzzle piece, discovered behind the couch, that makes the sky complete.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

[IndigoEarthling]

Dave,

 

I just PM'd you- please disregard as I am just now reading this message. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and strength. I feel like no one has the OCD as a withdrawal symptom so I really feel like it's a pre existing condition- yet everyone tells me that it probably will go away as my brain heals.

 

In terms of coping mechanism, I listen to the Honest guys meditation every morning and night. I also practice progressive muscle relaxation and grounding excercises in the morning. I have also recently tried to get back into tapping to see if it will help decrease the obsessive thought. I really need a natural sedative so I might try to go to Whole Foods this weekend to get some valerian root to take before bed. I really fel like I need to numb myself out because every day feels impossible. I'm sure most people think I'm just being dramatic but I feel like I am fighting for my life every day. I've been so overwhelmed this week with my mom visiting and my routine being thrown off that I haven't even been practicing the exposure response prevention. I'm afraid my lack of will power not giving into the contamination and checking conpulsions has made everything worse.

 

I figure I can only hang on to this amount of intensity for another month and then I either need to check into an OCD treatment facility or try some medicine. For now going to do my best to radically accept this awful situation and do some affirmations again every two hours... I am getting a little bit better every day. Every second I am healing and feeling more and more like myself. I am safe, healthy and happy.

[IndigoEarthling]

I hit my all time low this weekend- I just couldn't fight the obsessions anymore. I wrote a note, made a plan and an attempt- although it's hard for me to know how serious I was. It's the closest I've ever gotten but when I think about it, it's numbing and confusing- was I serious or did I need to prove how not okay I was, or how far I could take it? Is it normal to think of ending it all? Is this the OCD doubting the seriousness of the situation? I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

Yesterday was a day full of calling hospitals, the insurance company and visiting both my psychologist. The journey there was so stressful- my mom stepped on a bandaid and then I freaked out because her shoes touched her shirt and her jeans and now I feel like the only one who can help me and support me is contaminated and spreading Hep C everywhere. The OCD is a monster and it's taking away my sanity.

 

Today is the day I will find out if I can get into a treatment facility for OCD. I might have to wait a few weeks or I might just admit myself tonight until a spot opens up. Some programs have a 3 month waiting list. The hospital is so dirty and will be so stressful. Do they allow hand sanitizer at the mental hospital? I hope so.

 

Either way I've decided I will also be going back on medicine. My doc recvomends zooloft. Anyone have stories or advice? Not that it matters, I'm just desperate and clueless and numb and terrified about all of these terrible options and the prospects of medicine.

 

I know this post is all over the place and I'm sorry- I just want to make sure I provide an update in case it's the last one for a while. Thank you all for your support. Will try to check in later if I can.

[ten0275]

IE, hi.

 

i am so, so sorry for the intensity of your symptoms. i can hear the pain in your post. the contamination fears must be absolutely horrid. i am relieved to hear that despite the suicidal ideation and plans, you are here today to report how you are doing. that is victory.

 

in terms of your decision to start taking psychotropics again, we don't provide advice on starting new drugs.  if you come to the decision to do so, your doctor will prescribe them and you are under his or her care.  we have no way of knowing the effects of a new drug and providing advice in that context is a risk for us. i know that you are considering this because you are desperate for relief from a symptom i had a form of, and do not envy. it is hell.

 

i just want to reiterate that i cannot help but note the onset of your "OCD" with the discontinuation, cold turkey, of the drugs you previously utilized. when i was suffering from the intrusive thoughts and impulses, my therapist reminded me of this fact often. because when in the depths of a long-term withdrawal hell, we lose sight of what precipitated the hell we are experiencing. so i do ask that you remember that. from what i have read, you did not have OCD prior to discontinuing the drugs.

 

were i in your position, i would seek rigorous, RIGOROUS cognitive restructuring therapy before even considering any pharmaceutical option.

 

whatever you decide, i hope first and foremost for your safety. but along with that, i want for you to experience healing and be able to live your life without fear of contamination and the other obsessive thoughts that hound you.

 

hang in there and please do update as you can. we very much care.

 

dave

[IndigoEarthling]

I don't know how I did it but I managed to avoid hospitalization and any meds, although my family won't let me out of there sight and I must leave my door open at all times.

 

Rock bottom keeps getting deeper. I am out of the hormonal throws of my period but everyday is a struggle. I am unmotivated to live and get no pleasure out of anything. This is by far the worst anhedonia I have ever experienced. I hate waking up and realizing I have to go through another day- eat, pee, obsess, force normalcy, eat, pee, obsess, perform daily obligations, eat, pee, obsess, obsess, obsess, obsess.

 

On the other hand, things are progressing. I'm finally eating again, I was accepted into an intensive OCD residential program although the wait is 6-8 weeks. I applied for FMLA and short term disability. A foster program agreed to take in my dog so I don't have to surrender her to the Humane Society. Tomorrow I drop her off.

 

On the negative, I've used all my leave and am without pay until disability kicks in. My dad can't sleep and is flying in this week which will be SUPER stressful with now 5 people living in the house, along with the OCD monsters. Why don't they listen when I say that's too much stress? Still so much regret- I've missed two huge meetings with the directors at work, ruined Mothers Day, put my family through hell and can barely even look at my dog.

 

I'm trying to fight of the compulsions and doing better at it, but it seems hopelessness fills the empty space between obsessions and rituals.

 

Trying to be positive, but unfortunately this has become a public diary of sorts. I'm sorry. I feel like everyone else threads are so positive. Going to try to counter negative thoughts with gratitude. So even though I am broken and feel insignificant and so overwhelmed, I have some money in savings, the best mom in the world and my dog won't go to a stressful kennel.

 

Please pray that I find a reason to battle this. I will pray for you all as well. Surviving antidepressants isn't for the weak.

[IndigoEarthling]

Update: the constant need to completely empty my bladder is back. It's 10 AM and I've already peed 4 times. I'm hoping it's because I'm dehydrated or maybe a result of taking some B-12. I'm going to sip water throughout the day and see if it improves.

 

Last night I had pain in both of my legs, which is a mild return of an old symptom. I usually only had back and arm pain so I'm not sure if this is a wave I'm experiencing or what.

 

Emotionally I feel numb, unmotivated and meek. But thanks to the b-12, everything is calmer and quieter. If it weren't for the peeing, I wouldn't even know I existed. Very strange morning.

 

Stream of thought...

I'm afraid the withdrawal and related unmotivation will affect me at this treatment program. I will be interacting with people intensely for 2 months straight. I'm afraid it will stress me out even more. Still, it's worth a try. Atleast I will be at facility that specializes in working with very distressed individuals.

 

Wishing I didn't cold turkey. Worst decision of my life. I keep hearing about people being in this limbo state for years at a time but I don't know if I can do it for another 3 months when it's been 16 months of misery. There is no fight in me- just a quiet, sterile room where passion use to live.

 

Will try to check in again soon.

[IndigoEarthling]

IE, hi.

 

i am so, so sorry for the intensity of your symptoms. i can hear the pain in your post. the contamination fears must be absolutely horrid. i am relieved to hear that despite the suicidal ideation and plans, you are here today to report how you are doing. that is victory.

 

in terms of your decision to start taking psychotropics again, we don't provide advice on starting new drugs. if you come to the decision to do so, your doctor will prescribe them and you are under his or her care. we have no way of knowing the effects of a new drug and providing advice in that context is a risk for us. i know that you are considering this because you are desperate for relief from a symptom i had a form of, and do not envy. it is hell.

 

i just want to reiterate that i cannot help but note the onset of your "OCD" with the discontinuation, cold turkey, of the drugs you previously utilized. when i was suffering from the intrusive thoughts and impulses, my therapist reminded me of this fact often. because when in the depths of a long-term withdrawal hell, we lose sight of what precipitated the hell we are experiencing. so i do ask that you remember that. from what i have read, you did not have OCD prior to discontinuing the drugs.

 

were i in your position, i would seek rigorous, RIGOROUS cognitive restructuring therapy before even considering any pharmaceutical option.

 

whatever you decide, i hope first and foremost for your safety. but along with that, i want for you to experience healing and be able to live your life without fear of contamination and the other obsessive thoughts that hound you.

 

hang in there and please do update as you can. we very much care.

 

dave

[IndigoEarthling]

Thanks Dave! I found an intense residential treatment program that will hopefully help with the OCD. I just have to wait another 5 weeks to be admitted. Hopefully it will be sooner. For now I am on medical leave from work for 16 weeks.

 

What worries me is that I did have some OCD issues while on medication. I checked my car doors, home doors and made sure the oven was off and also remembered I had a tough time with some phobias. It was very stressful at the time, and is very similar to what I am experiencing now. Although, the severity of obsessions are much worse now and Im sure the ssri's affected how I felt about the obsessions.

 

Part of me feels like it's an underlying condition but I just don't know. My plan is to try to be med free at the treatment program and focuse on CBT and exposure response prevention. But if I get worse or don't improve, I will consider going back on medicine to stabilize and get the OCD under control.

[ten0275]

IE, hey.

 

you sound positive and i have to tell you, that is a relief.   i hope the medical leave allows you to settle some. as you know, stress exacerbates OCD-type thinking in a major way. i hope everything comes together for you.

 

please do keep us in the loop!

 

hang in there.

 

dave

[IndigoEarthling]

Sorry for the shotty update.... I am medicated and feeling pretty frantic and drugged.

 

My short term disability and medical leave from work has been approved. I have been staying with my parents for a month.

 

The OCD only got worse upon leaving my house and staying with my parents. I became so incapacitated that I elected to try .5 mg of Xanax beginning on the 16th of June. I am reluctant to take it and refuse to take it every day but have taken about 6 doses since it was prescribed. Side effects include rebound anxiety between doses and decreased ability to sleep in between doses. I also had shooting pains and burning down my thighs the 1st night after I took a break between two doses in a row. Wasn't sure if it was a wave or just a mini withdrawal from the Xanax.

 

In short the Xanax was only helping if I took it every day and I was so overwhelmed I elected to start Zoloft yesterday. I was instructed to take 50 mg and add an additional 25mg every four days until I reach 100mg. BTW- the psychiatrist REMOVED the bi- polar II diagnosis as I haven't had a hypomania episode since being off the meds this long. I suppose that's a relief.

 

Day 1 of Zoloft and I had increased floating anxiety, by night I had some psycho motor agitation and wanted to flail my arms everywhere. This was accompanied by a tic and general difficulty speaking. The only way I could stop was to breathe slow and hold my arms across my chest. And even then it was hard to get sentences out. I wanted to keep saying the same thing over and over. Very scary.

 

I took another dose this morning of the Zoloft. Feeling super revved up like a jack in the box... The restlessness and now random movements in my right arm continue. I had a slight twitch in my arms from the initial cold turkey withdrawal but it did not cause any visible muscle movement. This is quite pronounced. Had to take some Xanax a bit ago to calm down. I hope I don't pay for it tomorrow night if I don't take another pill.

 

Going to try to stick with the medicine and hope therapy will help as I have another month and a half before the program and have only been living off 700 calories a day and barely able to shower and clean clothes without some major obsession hitting.

 

Hanging in there... My plan is to get the OCD under control, get the cognitive behavioural therapy at the intensive program and then taper off the Zoloft over a year (if it even works) once I've become relatively OCD free.

 

I'm a guinea pig of science again. Hopefully the weird ticking will stop. I'm going to give it another two weeks. If not, I don't feel comfortable taking Xanax every day and will just try another ssri.

 

What a journey. I feel okay now- but that def the Xanax high taking over. Hopefully I haven't screwed myself getting back on an ssri.

 

I apprciate any insight anyone can share about reinstatement after withdrawal and sensitivity. Perhaps a thread of someone I can read who did the same thing. I know you don't offer medical advice and I am working with my psychiatrist to address the symptoms but I would like to hear from other who have reinstated- I'm just worried if my body can't take it and how I will know.