IndigoEarthling: 10 months cold turkey. I can't believe I'm still here!

[Petunia]

Thank you for the update IE,

I'm sorry to hear that you have had to go back on medication and are not feeling well. As you know, we can't advise on starting new drugs. When we suggest reinstatement, we usually recommend a very small amount of the last previously used drug under the assumption that the nervous system is probably sensitized from the previous withdrawal.

 

But trying larger doses and different drugs has worked for some members. You might want to look at Fresh's intro thread.

 

Please be careful with the xanax, its possible to become dependent on it in as little as 2 weeks if taken regularly and even more so in a sensitized nervous system. Then you will also need to taper off this.

 

For benzo information go here:

 

Members-only benzo forum

[btdt]

Sorry for the shotty update.... I am medicated and feeling pretty frantic and drugged.

 

My short term disability and medical leave from work has been approved. I have been staying with my parents for a month.

 

The OCD only got worse upon leaving my house and staying with my parents. I became so incapacitated that I elected to try .5 mg of Xanax beginning on the 16th of June. I am reluctant to take it and refuse to take it every day but have taken about 6 doses since it was prescribed. Side effects include rebound anxiety between doses and decreased ability to sleep in between doses. I also had shooting pains and burning down my thighs the 1st night after I took a break between two doses in a row. Wasn't sure if it was a wave or just a mini withdrawal from the Xanax.

 

In short the Xanax was only helping if I took it every day and I was so overwhelmed I elected to start Zoloft yesterday. I was instructed to take 50 mg and add an additional 25mg every four days until I reach 100mg. BTW- the psychiatrist REMOVED the bi- polar II diagnosis as I haven't had a hypomania episode since being off the meds this long. I suppose that's a relief.

 

Day 1 of Zoloft and I had increased floating anxiety, by night I had some psycho motor agitation and wanted to flail my arms everywhere. This was accompanied by a tic and general difficulty speaking. The only way I could stop was to breathe slow and hold my arms across my chest. And even then it was hard to get sentences out. I wanted to keep saying the same thing over and over. Very scary.

 

I took another dose this morning of the Zoloft. Feeling super revved up like a jack in the box... The restlessness and now random movements in my right arm continue. I had a slight twitch in my arms from the initial cold turkey withdrawal but it did not cause any visible muscle movement. This is quite pronounced. Had to take some Xanax a bit ago to calm down. I hope I don't pay for it tomorrow night if I don't take another pill.

 

Going to try to stick with the medicine and hope therapy will help as I have another month and a half before the program and have only been living off 700 calories a day and barely able to shower and clean clothes without some major obsession hitting.

 

Hanging in there... My plan is to get the OCD under control, get the cognitive behavioural therapy at the intensive program and then taper off the Zoloft over a year (if it even works) once I've become relatively OCD free.

 

I'm a guinea pig of science again. Hopefully the weird ticking will stop. I'm going to give it another two weeks. If not, I don't feel comfortable taking Xanax every day and will just try another ssri.

 

What a journey. I feel okay now- but that def the Xanax high taking over. Hopefully I haven't screwed myself getting back on an ssri.

 

I apprciate any insight anyone can share about reinstatement after withdrawal and sensitivity. Perhaps a thread of someone I can read who did the same thing. I know you don't offer medical advice and I am working with my psychiatrist to address the symptoms but I would like to hear from other who have reinstated- I'm just worried if my body can't take it and how I will know.

I have no great insight but I wanted to suggest you report the movement in your arms to your doctors and not wait till your apt just to be on the safe side.  It can't hurt to tell him. 

peace

[IndigoEarthling]

It's been almost 3 years since I started this journey and I wanted to post an update.

 

After a suicide attempt and loosing my mind, my dog and my relationships with my brothers and sisters, I took a 3 month leave of absence from work and attended intensive therapy for OCD at an inpatient center. During this time the suicidal thoughts and depression were so bad and I was losing weight so rapidly that I made the decision to go back on SSRI's (zoloft). This is about the time I stopped posting on here. After a bad initial reaction (loosing the ability to speak clearly and an increase in anxiety), the depression lifted after 3 weeks and I laughed for the first time in a year. I still do not tolerate SSRI's very well and usually get terrible diarrhea, crazy night sweats and incontinence that gets worse every time I get on them. I have since learned to taper over 2 months and have no problems getting off or on them. The weight gain and derealization I feel continues to plague me every time I get on, so I have decided they aren't for me.

 

I'm still happy to report that I am MED FREE for the last 3 months, after discovering I may have had a severe vitamin deficiency that was exacerbated by the rapid withdrawal. After starting a zinc, magnesium, B6, calcium vitamin regime the depression I had for the last 8 years lifted in literally less than 2 weeks. It was the most amazing thing I have ever felt. And while I am still struggling OCD pretty bad, some of my first obsessions (checking) and the debilitating anxiety has improved about 70% than it was 2 years ago. Now mostly I struggle with managing obsessive thoughts and repetitive thoughts that come and go as they'd like.

 

My latest theory about what happened is that the withdrawal triggered an inflammatory resopnse in my system- which led to the rapid use of zinc, magnesium and B6 from my system. It also triggered a histamine response, to the point where I was peeing myself daily and experienced anaphylaxis from eating foods I grew up with  (lara bars, bananas, eggs, avacadoes, anything with citrus, pork, processed food, etc). I have to carry an epi pen with me, but I am happy to report that after starting the vitamin regime, I have slowly been able to eat more of the foods I love. My mood also continues to improve, as long as I don't stop taking the vitamins. 

 

For anyone with food sensitivities, itching, body pain or the rapid onset of obsessive thoughts, I highly recommend to read about biochemical individuality at http://www.walshinstitute.org/biochemical-individuality--nutrition.html (undermythelation, pyloria disorder, copper overlad, and the Walsh protocol).  I recently ordered my tests, and hope it will confirm why I respond amazingly to simple vitamins and have battled with mood swings since I was 14.

 

Now if only these obsessions would go away. They have triggered some low key depression that is mostly aggravating- nothing like the raw nothingness I experienced for a 1 1/2 after getting of medicine. Fingers crossed that I will get to the bottom of this saga. For now I atleast consider myself a partial success story- most of the body pains and depression is completely gone. 

[Martina23]

Hi IndigoEarthling, nice to hear from you. I am happy that your depression is gone. Mine is too. But the obsessive thoughts still continue by me. For  half  year they were already much less, but this week they came back with full intensity. So we are mostly in the same situation. Do you still have these contamination fears or now your obsessions are other? Mine are still about the harming topic -mostly stupid thoughts and images of causing harm to others (but sure I would never want to cause anyone any harm, it is just that the thoughts come fully unwanted)

[IndigoEarthling]

2 hours ago, Martina23 said:

Hi IndigoEarthling, nice to hear from you. I am happy that your depression is gone. Mine is too. But the obsessive thoughts still continue by me. For  half  year they were already much less, but this week they came back with full intensity. So we are mostly in the same situation. Do you still have these contamination fears or now your obsessions are other? Mine are still about the harming topic -mostly stupid thoughts and images of causing harm to others (but sure I would never want to cause anyone any harm, it is just that the thoughts come fully unwanted)

 Same contamination fears, which are pretty bad at the moment and some small checking stuff which continues to improve.  I use to have harm obsessions, but they went away after I did Exposure with Response prevention therapy. The IOCDF has some great resources on harm obsessions. Rest assured that even if you doubt that you may harm someone, any resistance to this thought will reinforce the obsession. Let me know if you'd like me to share any of the resources that helped with my harm obsessions, they were the worst and I am so glad to be relieved of the shame and guilt. In the mean time this is a VERY common form of OCD known as Pure O or  Harm OCD. You can find a brief description at  https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-violent-obsessions/

[IndigoEarthling]

1 hour ago, Pil54 said:

So you cold turkeyed and reinstated and weaned off in only 2 month and you are better now 3 month off ? 

 

How many month off exactly did you reinstated your zoloft and did it helped ? 

 

 

I cold turkeyed after being on meds since age 14, but was never on zoloft. The first time I cold turkeyed, I lost my mind and just about everything. After a year and a half I went on a small dose of zoloft (100mg) and stabilized after 3 weeks. I was on that for about 6 months and then took myself down to 50 mg, stayed on that for another  month and then weaned off in another month or so. I then started zoloft again at 50 mg for 4 months and then tapered off in 6 or 8 weeks. The last two times I tapered I had virtually no withdrawal symptoms, except for the occasional sleepless night, and maybe a handful of hot flashes that came and went without issue. 

 

Zoloft saved me from the worse suicidal depressions I have ever had. Unfortunately, it comes with bad side effects every time I get back on it. Still, I know its there if I ever get that bad again. I wish I had gone on it sooner, but I was too afraid of the rebound affect. 

[IndigoEarthling]

2 hours ago, Pil54 said:

So you cold turkeyed and reinstated and weaned off in only 2 month and you are better now 3 month off ? 

 

How many month off exactly did you reinstated your zoloft and did it helped ? 

 

 

Oh and just to clarify, apart from the OCD, I am doing much better off zoloft. The trick though is that I am on a very specific vitamin regime. If I stop taking B6, magnesium, calcium, zinc and vitamind C, the depression creeps back up. I recently stopped the B6 for a month when I ran out and had to move my things unexpectedly, and within 4 weeks the depression was starting to come back.

[Altostrata]

Very interesting, Indigo. Good to hear you're feeling better.