MostlyWater: I fear my symptoms are here to stay

[MostlyWater]

Well.. I'm starting to convince myself that these symptoms aren't going away.. probably ever. The low mood, groggy mornings, foggy thinking, the numbness on the left side of my body, brain/body zaps, head pulsing before bed, obsessive thoughts, inability to exercise or drink coffee/alcohol, self-loathing, diminished social skills, no sense of humor, low confidence in public, emotional breakdowns, skin problems and all the other physical crap wrong with me.. 

 

It never goes away.. it's been almost 2 years now.. I guess I ruined my own life before the age of 25..I felt so young and healthy before all this too.. I sure am a f%$# up.. Sure will be fun suffering for years to come with no end in sight.. in fact many of the symptoms are getting worse.. so I probably haven't even seen how bad it can get.. f^%$ it.. who cares at this point.. my body and mind are unreversably destroyed so I probably should stop thinking about it and accept my suffering

[Altostrata]

MW, do you mind if I move this to the Intro forum as your Intro topic? You don't have one yet.

[MostlyWater]

Yeah sure, it'll probably fit better there.

[Fresh]

Hi  MostlyWater , welcome to the site.   I'm sorry you've been having such a tough time.

 

Could you share a little more about your situation?    I gather you tapered too fast from the Paxil after taking it for 8 years , and have had withdrawal symptoms ever since?

 

There's loads of information here , and people who want to help you if you'll let us.   Many have lived through this situation and recovered , and you can too.

 

The despair is part of the withdrawal . . . it's most unlikely your symptoms are permanent.

 

Good to have you on board ,   Fresh

[Martina23]

MostlyWater, I hope it goes by you away! I am struggling also and I can not imagine that it stay by me like it is now, I would rather die. However, it is really crushing to hear that after 1,5 year it is the same. I am so sorry for me, for you, for everybody who has to suffer like that.

[clearday]

I feel the same way about my current Lexapro withdrawal, I am 13 months out from a cold turkey. Sure seems like it is permanent, with no end in sight. Wondering if it will get worse.

 

I also made it over here from PP -

 

Interestingly, when I was two years into my Prozac withdrawal many years ago, I also felt the persistent, debilitating symptoms would never leave.

 

But within four years of cold turkeying Prozac back then, all the withdrawal symptoms were mostly gone, and life became enjoyable again.

 

If only my doctor had told me that all those classic, bizarre SSRI withdrawal symptoms back then were from the lousy Prozac, I would have never gone on Lexapro years after recovering from Prozac withdrawal. Man, was that doctor ignorant! 

 

So here I am, going through the same thing. I have head pressure, constant head ringing, seems like it is here to stay. Hard to imagine it ever going away.

 

But since I know I recovered from Prozac, and many others took three or four years until life became tolerable again, I have no choice but to wait it out. I certainly have hope, but I am wearying of the struggle.

 

I try to keep this fellow's quote and story in mind:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3523-success-recovery-from-protracted-zoloft-withdrawal-and-pssd/

 

“The recovery was slow and painful, but I became conscious of every little improvement as it happened. I got used to the pattern: something would get better for a while, then suddenly everything would swing right back and all that recovery would vanish. But I learnt the trick - once something had recovered temporarily, it was only a matter of time before it recovered permanently. It made no difference if it came back for a while... it had already revealed its weakness, and sooner or later it was going to be gone for good. That was true in every single case.”

[Pugknows]

Clearday, we all need hope! It is difficult to keep reading posts about suffering that goes on for four years and find hope.

[Martina23]

I found a bit hope, better than to suffer 100 years ...

[Pugknows]

(((((MostlyWater)))) You're in the grips of despair right now. I can hear it in your thread. It will pass. Try to write down the symptoms you've had since the beginning of your acute WD. Check off the stuff you no longer have. Put a minus sign next to the symptoms that are intermittent or have decreased in intensity. It will help you focus on the fact that you are actually healing and that you will recover. It helps me to do this.

[clearday]

Martina23 said:

I found a bit hope, better than to suffer 100 years ...

 

Thank you, Martina. 

 

Anyone who has spent a lot of time on these blogs are familiar with how long protracted SSRI withdrawal can last. 

 

And when so many people here are still suffering after two years of withdrawal, it is good to remind them that recovery can take three or four years in some cases.

[Pugknows]

Maybe if those who have experienced protracted WD could describe how they experienced times of improvement throughout those years in WD it would be more encouraging. Sorry Martina. I don't find any comfort in the fact that this at least won't last 100 years. I won't last 100 years. None of us will, statistically anyway.

[clearday]

The despair is part of the withdrawal . . . it's most unlikely your symptoms are permanent.

 

Good to have you on board ,   Fresh

 

I love that!....Despair as part of withdrawal..... Of course! Thank you, Fresh -

 

And great to see you MostlyWater - you inspire me - let's get through this -

[JanCarol]

Mostly Water, it is the policy of this forum to heal.  To get better.  Here, we believe in neuroplasticity, hope, and the power of the positive attitude to learn how to make ourselves well.  Trusting the docs didn't work - it's time to look at what we can do for ourselves.

 

Congratulations on successfully getting off one of the difficult SSRI's.  I'm sorry you went so quickly, that may make the next period more difficult for awhiel.

 

You will not be the same person you were before the drug.  You will not be the same person you were on the drug. 

 

There will be a period of maybe 2, maybe 10 years of adjustment as you rebuild your brain.  Your brain will throw things at you, and just when you think you've got it figured out, your brain will throw you something new.  The Paxil restructured your brain, and you have pulled out that "lattice" (as Rhi calls it) and your brain has gone all wobbly, and will continue to do wobbly things until it settles.  As every brain and drug reaction is different, I can't say how long this will be for you.  I would suggest counting it in months and years, not days and weeks.

 

But when it comes to survival, I suggests seconds and minutes.  I'm a strong believer in distractions, whether that is coloring books, listening to music, yoga, meditation, old sitcoms on TV, and taking walks.

 

Coffee, alcohol, lots of things you used to do before may go away for awhile.  I lost the ability to eat wheat, grains (even rice), dairy, and a few other weird things.  And it's awesome that you've noticed that the coffee and alcohol are activating!  If something activates your symptoms, then that's a clear indicator of what you should (or should not) be doing!

 

Are you having waves and windows?  Waves are the rough and scary stuff, the neuroemotions, the fear, the despondancy, the agony - but windows are the bright peeks of light coming throught that give you hope.  

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

 

Also, it might help your healing to look into magnesium:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

and fish oil:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

These tend to smooth (fish oil) and nourish (magnesium)  your neurotransmitters to aid in your healing.  

 

You will still have symptoms, but these things help.  And hey Mostly Water - if you like to take a bath, Epsom Salts baths are very soothing to the nerves and muscles, and can aid sleep.

 

Welcome to SA!  

[clearday]

There will be a period of maybe 2, maybe 10 years of adjustment as you rebuild your brain.  I can't say how long this will be for you.  I would suggest counting it in months and years, not days and weeks.

 

But when it comes to survival, I suggest seconds and minutes.  I'm a strong believer in distractions, whether that is coloring books, listening to music, yoga, meditation, old sitcoms on TV, and taking walks.

 

Amen to that! I used to call myself "keepbreathing" on these forums because during my darkest days of Prozac WD, during years one and two, I knew that sometimes my only task was to keep breathing (I got that from the movie "Castaway"...) and never give up - simply survive -

 

Distractions help to tick away the time until we begin to feel a lot better. Since time is what we need to heal, whatever we can do to make it pass quicker, the better -

 

While my WDs have been very long and difficult, I was still able to accomplish much through "distractions" - and I did manage to scrape some enjoyment out of life in the meantime - 

[imac]

MW. Sorry you aren't doing well at the moment.

It DOES get better and it WILL! This has got to be the worlds slowest process known! Something you said really stood out to me. You feel like you're getting worse at 2 years off. I felt the same way. In fact I got a whole wack of new symptoms around 2 years off, I felt much worse for the most part and it felt like a whole new level of hell to me. Even near the 3 year mark I had the scariest worst wave yet that lasted months. I truly thought of giving up by 3 years. Something inside kept nagging to just keep going, no matter what, so I did. Right at 3 years I turned my first ReaL corner. A lot of the first 3 years I now notice, was non linear healing. I was either really bad or had periods of function. I didn't call them improvements because anything that went away always came right back. My windows weren't great but they were also really short lived. Since 3 years it's as if my baseline has improved. My waves aren't as bad at all anymore and ALOT of things haven't returned for a good 6-8 months now. I will be 3.5 years off next week and I can finally say I'm seeing real improvements. Physically and mentally. The mental anguish is pretty much gone and what's left of mental symptoms are so mild and only pop up very briefly. I felt mental and insane and ready to kill myself the first 3 years. Around 2+ years a whole bunch of physical things surfaced which are also now much milder. I stil have a long way to go to but in ready to get back to life. I'm looking for a job, I'm excited about things and am loving life again. Now it's just the nuisances or stuff that pop up in waves. My biggest issue is still the autonomic dysfunction. It keeps me from excercising. But I always get windows with that too where my body and system arm to function normally again. I have a feeling my autonomc system will take longer to work itself out. On PP, there were a few people who had these issues too and I remember one of them was able to excerice again around 4 years off. Even Marka (nz1) is now finally getting back to the gym and excercising. He couldn't until recently and he is well over 4 years off.

I know 4 sounds horridly long but it better than never. 4 would have made me want to give up when I was 2 years off but look. You've made it 2 years!! You're still here. You're still Unmedicated. Look at your strength and perseverance. That's what counts. I can absolutely 100% say that I'm a much stronger and happier person right now ( even with symptoms) than I EVER have been in my life. I have an inner strength and determination like I never thought could exist. You do too. We all do here. It's just really hard to see it that while in the throws.

[MostlyWater]

Thank you all for the encouraging and kind replies. Sometimes my mind drifts to the dark side of all this and I felt like telling people might help but then I felt bad because of how negative it sounded. When you wake up feeling almost the same every morning with all the physical symptoms.. it probably feels like waking up on a deserted island knowing that no one is coming to rescue you. It's the physical stuff that really bothers me.. because it's clearly effecting me.. The mental stuff I can imagine going away, but the physical stuff feels much more 'real' and irreversible. The first thing I do when I wake up is massage both my hands because it opens up my windpipe by stimulating the nerves throughout my body, same with massaging my lower spine and my ankles.. that's just to give you an example as to how much my nerve problems are effecting me. Imac, you've always been very inspirational to me, probably because we are on a very similar path and seem to be one more long-term cases. I believe this can't possibly keep going on.. but psychologically, it just feels endless. 

[clearday]

 I felt bad because of how negative it sounded.  I believe this can't possibly keep going on.. but psychologically, it just feels endless. 

 

I'm glad you said it the way you said it, because I was feeling the same way this morning too. Made me feel like I wasn't the only one.

 

It sure does seem endless. I still can't believe I got over the Prozac WD - it took years.  The first two years were the worst. The main thing is you know what caused it - it was the Paxil. I am like you, in that the physical symptoms are the worst. They get better. It takes awhile.

 

And you are young, so you have a great chance of recovery with your whole life ahead of you, SSRI-free.

[imac]

I agree MW. Psychologically it DOES feel endless. Rationally we know it won't. I too agree that the physical stuff can be worse ( In a way). When I had all that mental torture i wished I had physical stuff like others instead. That WD mental anguish truly is a beast like no other. But now that it's gone for me, I find some of the physical stuff a whole other beast of it's own. It's another form of torture because it too can keep you from fully functioning. My major culprits are the autonomic dysfunction but that has several times gone away and the head stuff. I recently had my first few months without it but it's returned. I'm hopeful and optimistic that it will go again.

MW, what other physical symptoms are you suffering from?

[Canadiangirl]

I am struggling with left side numbness also and I am almost 11 months off. I get it all at once a few times a day. I can feel it in my leg,arm and face. It started about 2 months ago. I had an mri and it was negative for anything neurological. So I am putting it up to withdraw because I don't know what else it can be.

[clearday]

I am struggling with left side numbness also and I am almost 11 months off. I get it all at once a few times a day. I can feel it in my leg,arm and face. It started about 2 months ago. I had an mri and it was negative for anything neurological. So I am putting it up to withdraw because I don't know what else it can be.

 

Same here. 13 months out from Lexapro CT. Left side numbness usually leg, sometimes arm and face. Worse at night.  I also have bad tinnitus with this wave, worst in right ear. Lasting four months now. It's withdrawal. 

[jthebrave]

Hi! I'm roughly (only) a year off of these drugs and I have the same the body/brain zaps and other symptoms as you do. Just when I think it's all beginning to resolve...it seems to never go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're obviously not alone. As I once thought I was.

[JanCarol]

Hey Mostly, you said,

 

 

The first thing I do when I wake up is massage both my hands because it opens up my windpipe by stimulating the nerves throughout my body, same with massaging my lower spine and my ankles.. that's just to give you an example as to how much my nerve problems are effecting me. 

 

Yes, that does show the extent of the extreme condition of your nervous system - but it also shows me that you are a survivor.  Not everyone would respond by doing a bit of self massage to start the day.  I know, you say you have to do it, but the reality is - you are doing it, and not everyone would.

 

Sometimes it does take a long time, especially after a CT (Cold Turkey).  You may feel like you are in the depths of the darkness right now - but I assure you - however deep that ocean is, there is a sky above it, and sometime soon - maybe within the next year - you will see the sky and remember what the sunshine looks like.  These windows help motivate you.

 

I like what Imac said about it being non linear.  You may not even notice that you are healing, for awhile yet.  But you are.  And the more proactive you can be - magnesium, fish oil, gentle exercise, a bit of sunshine, even social activity - will help you speed your process.

 

And it helps to be here - where you find that other people understand what you are going through.  That counts for a lot, too!

[clearday]

I like what Imac said about it being non linear.  You may not even notice that you are healing, for awhile yet.  But you are.  And the more proactive you can be - magnesium, fish oil, gentle exercise, a bit of sunshine, even social activity - will help you speed your process.

 

 

I agree. Like I said already on this thread, at two years out from Prozac CT, I was just as bad as I was one year out. But began improving by three years, and by four years mostly better. And these days I have no lingering symptoms from those dark days. Just new ones because now I'm in protracted WD from Lexapro. At least MW, you know that Paxil caused your misery, I wasn't so lucky and I went back on these meds at the urging of a doctor. 

[manymoretodays]

Hi Mostly Water.  I just had to come comment on your introduction after seeing a post from you on the meditation thread.  Something about Zen meditation that someone else wants more of your ideas on.  Me too.  And oh.......okay.........on page 2 of that thread there were some more ideas and shares.

 

It was your user name really.  A little while back I identified my feeling state as being mostly of the elements Fire and Wind and so badly needing the balance of Water and Earth.

 

And here you are........Mostly Water.  I do hope I run into "A Bit of Earth" to help me achieve a bit more balance in this endeavor/journey that we are on.........even if only in name.

 

Hope to see more posts from you soon.

[Altostrata]

Hello, @MostlyWater. How are you doing?