shelby: long battle in deep

[shelby]

I came here from benzo buddies because I have been off klonopin for almost 2 years, but effexor only 6 months. It sucks because I was about 50% functional at month 5 and then WHAM! it all came crashing down. My worst sypmtoms are DR/DP and memory loss. Rooms in my house are unfamiliar and I hope I don't forget who my wife and kids are one day. I feel almost dead like nothing exists or is real... {sigh}

[justwanttobefree]

Hi Shelby,

 

     I'm sorry to hear you have the horrific symptoms of DP/DR (which for myself I find memory loss goes hand in hand with). I can totally relate to things looking totally weird and unfamiliar, my husband looks like a total stranger to me all the time . Don't worry though, you will never forget your family! This is just the brain's way of protecting itself while it heals and DP/DR is incredibly common during withdrawal. Just wanted to say that you're not alone! Someone will be by soon to offer you advice, you have come to a very helpful place.

[shelby]

Thanks for the reminder... feel like I'm floating on nothing today. .. can't form sentences. .. words getting mixed up... very dizzy

[shelby]

Is there anyone out there... is it normal to feel dead after 6 months off effexor? I mean it just hit. 4 - 5 months were functional now its unrelenting fear like the grimm reaper is with me 24/7. I don't even know how I am typing this. I felt like this coming off the Benzo Klonopin about 2 years ago... I'm gonna die I know it, a slow soft fade to black is what it feels like......My wife is gone today. She is my rock. Please tell me this gets better...

[Altostrata]

Welcome, shelby.

 

Yes, withdrawal syndrome does very slowly go away. You will have to hang in and be patient.

 

What is your current daily symptom pattern? Please look in our Symptoms and Self-Care forum for suggestions about how to cope with symptoms.

[shelby]

Thank you alto... coming off Klonopin was bad. I did not think effexor would be this bad. Especially a 6 month surprise.

[shelby]

Justwannabefree,

 

do you ever feel like there are words in your head but you just can't speak them or type them? Not like your mouth is weak or numb, more like you forgot how to use it. It just does not work. I know what want say but just can't say it

[justwanttobefree]

Absolutely. Happens to me at least 20 times a day. I end up saying nothing at all a lot of the time because I just can't open my mouth and say them. I also feel like time is fragmented from one moment to the next like everything in the past 6 months is a blur and I have no idea what is going on. Really weird and disturbing but it's just WD. That's all it is. We could wake up tomorrow and this sh*# will be gone, that's what keeps me going.

[shelby]

Had a withdrawal like this after Klonopin 2 years ago. Could not stand it after 3 months. Effexor

r brought me out of it about 50%. Now it's just the same again. What a stupid mistake effexor was...

[shelby]

I know about time collapsing. Something that happened last week might as well be a month or year ago. What is interesting is I obsess over trying to remember stuff to see if I'm going crazy. My wife will say to me "I can't even remember that" but I guess it is the constant terror we live that feeds the OCD anxiety loop.

[justwanttobefree]

Hahaha Shelby we are identical, I do the exact same thing & I freak out if I hear a sound outside or see something out of the corner of my eye. Truly convinced that I am going to lose my mind or have a mental breakdown at any moment. WD is such an unnatural other worldly thing that we just cant trust anything, not our senses, not our thoughts, and not our feelings. Hate it ????

[shelby]

I used to be a math teacher (algebra). My son asked me for help with algebra homework. I can barely do simple addition. Will I ever get my brain back? Or is this permanent...

 

:-(

[InvisibleUnless]

your sig says 2-3 years of meds , so i would lean towards "definitely yes".  many people have pretty significant recoveries from these meds, and a lot of the horror stories i hear about permanent, disabling loss is from decades on meds or undergoing ECT (and sometimes both).

 

it might take a while, but i think you will recover at least partial functionality.  math was one of the hardest hit things for me as well (along with memory and linguistics), and ive seen meaningful increases in functionality over time since ive tapered off everything.  you were much more into the benzo side of things than anything else, so i cant really adequately compare, but i do believe you will function a lot better after youve had more time to heal.

 

i read your intro thread to make sure this isnt just the effexor your were having trouble with...that dp/dr is HIGHLY unnerving, and more common for your med history than mine.  sorry youre subjected to that bullsh*t, i hope you have success with some grounding techniques.  its a good thing your family is still around for you, even when you feel less able than you used to be.  i know what its like to fear the day you might not even recognize them---i lost almost all of my ability to recognize faces after so many years on antipsychotics.  that, too, has healed somewhat in the years of discontinuation, but i have a lot more ground to cover.

 

keep strong in the fight, this does end.

[shelby]

Yeah, I'm really scared I'm gonna be catatonic one day

[btdt]

your sig says 2-3 years of meds , so i would lean towards "definitely yes".  many people have pretty significant recoveries from these meds, and a lot of the horror stories i hear about permanent, disabling loss is from decades on meds or undergoing ECT (and sometimes both).

 

it might take a while, but i think you will recover at least partial functionality.  math was one of the hardest hit things for me as well (along with memory and linguistics), and ive seen meaningful increases in functionality over time since ive tapered off everything.  you were much more into the benzo side of things than anything else, so i cant really adequately compare, but i do believe you will function a lot better after youve had more time to heal.

 

i read your intro thread to make sure this isnt just the effexor your were having trouble with...that dp/dr is HIGHLY unnerving, and more common for your med history than mine.  sorry youre subjected to that bullsh*t, i hope you have success with some grounding techniques.  its a good thing your family is still around for you, even when you feel less able than you used to be.  i know what its like to fear the day you might not even recognize them---i lost almost all of my ability to recognize faces after so many years on antipsychotics.  that, too, has healed somewhat in the years of discontinuation, but i have a lot more ground to cover.

 

keep strong in the fight, this does end.

"---i lost almost all of my ability to recognize faces after so many years on antipsychotics."

 

I am curious as to why you think the loss of facial recognition is not from Effexor... as I was taking only Effexor when I had this it was a problem in wd also tends to be less problematic as time went on.  I am not in any situations where I have to test it now days as I have a very limited life.  In the days on Effexor I could not recall the faces at work ... they obviously knew me but I could not place them leaving me confused much of the time scrambling in my brain and looking for hints in what they said as to who they were.  

Brains do heal it takes a long time I too am concerned how this will play out as I age.. what are the long term effects...we know very little about these drugs way too little to be taking them if the truth were told. 

[btdt]

Justwannabefree,

 

do you ever feel like there are words in your head but you just can't speak them or type them? Not like your mouth is weak or numb, more like you forgot how to use it. It just does not work. I know what want say but just can't say it

 

This will get better in time.. I can recall standing in my kitchen crying for simple loss of words when trying to communicate it was very bad and it has healed.  

Early on the first thing that helped me was deep relaxation I used a cd of the ocean but there are deep relaxation videos on utube getting to a relaxed state seems to allow the brain to reboot on some level.  It is not magic and takes repeated doses the more you do it the better it works early on I would use this 2 or 3 times a day to reset myself.. it was the only thing that helped me early on... that and heat on my spine.  A time out is how I thought of it then. 

The reason I used just ocean sounds to start with was because any words or music would drive me nuts repeating in my head I could not hear any music early on as it would torture me repeating for wks.  

Give it a try the ocean is a healing sound to many I hope it works for you. 

[InvisibleUnless]

Yeah, I'm really scared I'm gonna be catatonic one day

you may very well approach that point in your recovery---i have some VERY down days, where i run out of laundry and cant even cook for myself (and pay through the nose, so to speak, for healthy deliveryfoods). but i dont think you will lose yourself, even if you feel rather constrained for a while. if you have endured through everything thus far, i think that is a sign you have an understanding and a hold that wont be broken just by things sometimes worsening.

 

and i really, really do not think you would be left truly catatonic, most especially not indefinitely. keep your mind occupied and challenged in ways that help it work to rebuild your biology.

 

I am curious as to why you think the loss of facial recognition is not from Effexor... as I was taking only Effexor when I had this it was a problem in wd also tends to be less problematic as time went on.  I am not in any situations where I have to test it now days as I have a very limited life.  In the days on Effexor I could not recall the faces at work ... they obviously knew me but I could not place them leaving me confused much of the time scrambling in my brain and looking for hints in what they said as to who they were.

Brains do heal it takes a long time I too am concerned how this will play out as I age.. what are the long term effects...we know very little about these drugs way too little to be taking them if the truth were told.

that is a really good question and, frankly, i cannot really know the answer. i was on effexor and wellbutrin (respectively) longer than all of those other ADs, and effexor is an SNRI instead of just an SSRI and is liable to cause a different set of complications. i was on, now that im thinking, several different combinations of meds that were said to be very purposefully synergistic, even---usually pertaining to that nor-epinephrine connection.

 

i observed a lot of very specific changes while switching between the antipsychotics (and the remeron and benzo) while i rarely saw side effects i could directly link to the ADs, but immediate side effects are separate from long term damage and synergistic changes in functionality.

 

i was really into movies and stuff, before meds, and it got impossible to remember actors, by name or face...it got to the point where watching a new movie or show was very difficult because there was basically just 'male character #1' and 'male character #2' and 'female character #1' and i had to devise the plot and personages solely through the interactive context and dialogue, and wouldnt know who was just doing what in the last scene...the only real way to tell theres more than one male character at all is if they appear simultaneously, and one-on-one time with other characters means its a toss-up which one he is, hah. it was pretty distressing, i havent really thought about the depth of that in years..

[btdt]

I have that problem with movies and books.. and I use to love both.  Now some days movies are ok others I can't follow them I don't know what makes the differences in the days I can and the days I can't.  Books well same thing kind of but not really I forget who is who it is not just seeing a knowing that is the same face or a different face as I forget which character in a book is which ...who did what and why ... it has taken away all the enjoyment of reading.  

There are dots that are just not joining for some reason.  I can't recall the names of famous people either I am at a complete loss if I happen to get trapped in some usually family social setting as I am at a loss for conversation these days... so much of life now is about things I cannot recall famous people movies I forget... why even bother.  So many things that should be fun have become a source or aggravation I use to be social.. now it seems I have to be pushed to do anything and the only ones who can really do that are my very old dear friends and my family.

I hate to disappoint them and if you see some lady bleeding with only one arm on a swing some day it is likely me going to the park with to play in the swings with my sister and her grandkid... yep that is what it would look like if this showed on the outside... since it is hidden there are not gross scenes just people hiding **** and trying to get thru one day of events to keep folks from worrying too much.

 

That made me smirk as I think it is true and it so seems to fit some occasions when I was really sick... I mean really sick my sister turned 50... ohg I had to go... what a mess I was. They had music... ouch... and food gag... and people and booze... it felt like a torture chamber... but I had not spent all those other bdays with her to miss the big one I showed up... not for long but I did show.

 

So many things like that add to that the other things small and large that we use to enjoy that are no longer enjoyable... well it makes for a different life I will say that it is till life tho and I keep hoping it gets better.

 

It has improved very slowly but it has improved.   

[shelby]

Btdt... do you drive, go to the store or have meaningful conversations? I can't do any of that right now

[shelby]

Btdt... do you drive, go to the store or have meaningful conversations? I can't do any of that right now

[btdt]

Meaningful conversations... hmm I don't have many people to have them with now... and sometimes when I think I am wanting to have one... I can't seem to say what I mean I get lost in them... and you know what really bothers me is I have been better than this before and then I got worse... I had  a car accident and surgery post wd. I tend to have a lot of drug reactions too and I am not sure if this is some sort of back sliding due to that or if it is even wd anymore maybe I have some brain disease as I was better and now I am hit and miss... maybe we will find out I have something else.. i don't know this is my experience. I react to drugs last I was on a steroid I could not drive... but I know how to drive usually just not last wk. 

 

Can I drive usually I can on days I can't I don't. 

I am better at writing than I am talking if I have something very important to say it is better that I write it.  I can go to the store yes I can do I want to not really. 

 

I get where your at Shelby I do... I am off drugs now 7 years + a number of months. 

 

I know how hard it is to suck it up... I know it is bad. I wish you did not have to go thru this but the only way out of it is thru it.  Believe me IF I knew another way I would tell you know and suggest they shut down this site.. but as far as I know there is no easy way... just less painful ways. 

[btdt]

Btdt... do you drive, go to the store or have meaningful conversations? I can't do any of that right now

It is 4 months since you went off effexor you have a chance to be functional in time. This is a hurdle I know as it is hard to accept being this dysfunctional at 4 months off I was just getting up...out of bed from 3 months with the wd flu... still could not eat much or walk much I was too dizzy. I still had a car it rusted away waiting on me to get well enough to drive it...I had money I think I still had money then... I don't have either now but I am better than I was then. 

 

It was so long ago and I have been thru so much since it is hard for me to relate and when I try to my heart all but breaks for all the hope I had back then. I thought I would find out what was wrong with me and fix or die soon... I was wrong on both counts. 

[btdt]

Shelby I have been doing this wd thing a long time your odds are still good of a complete recovery there is a time of unease well a lot of times of unease but really a time of worry where we all wonder if we will be the one to heal in a short time or not then we learn the meaning of the terms as they relate to wd... short... exceedingly short would be one year...but some may do it.. not to many here I don't think.. short 2 years... average 3 -4years... long 7 years.. unsure what is going on longer than 7 years but there are some 

 

Now keep in mind some of us were drugged for 10 -15 - 20 years ... some of us were drugged with several different meds at one time... AND to top that all off we are all different... even with that there is common ground in how we heal.  There are things that seem to help everyone no matter what else has gone down every one is helped by relaxation... sooner or later the sooner the better but in some cases it takes long to get to a place where reactions slow enough to allow relaxation.  

 

There are tools to help they are here.  There are books to read to help understanding if you can read... I am sorry if you can't just now but you will be able to soon... soon is relative too.  I am sorry for the vagueness but this is the nature of the beast in essence the truth. Such as it is. 

 

I wish you peace and the sooner you get even a tiny bit of it the better things will be... it will take as long as it take anyway may as well be kind to ourselves in the in the mean time. 

[shelby]

Things for me went from bad to worse. I have a small online business that I was managing up until 5 months off. It was hard but I was doing it. I could drive, watch movies, and go to the store. It was all very hard but I could do it. Now in month 6 I can barley talk, walk, or get out of bed. I am scared of everything, even my kids faces... Unrelenting irrational fear. My thoughts feel empty like I'm spinning off into oblivion. Half dead and the concept of time has collapsed and I literally cannot remember 30 minutes ago...

 

At month 5 I had an appetite and now I have to force my self to eat. {Sigh}

[btdt]

For me it was 6wks I was actually ok doing maybe a bit better in some ways and a bit worse in others but no big deal till 6 wks in ... Then I got the flu went to bed but it would not go away and got worse and worse.  

 

 

I wonder if taking a tiny bit of effexor would help you I have heard other people say it can help... I would not know the amount to suggest you would have to ask Alto... 

 

I tried to go back on full dose then 37.5 both were failures but it would seem to me that for those who this works for ... they have a better life once they are stable than us who did not do a RI or who it did not work for. 

 

have you thought of this?  Or Tried it already?

ps.

It was 6wks after all that failed I thought I was doing ok till it hit. 

[shelby]

Not possible... no insurance and family would not support it

[btdt]

Then the hope will be that this is short lived.  Short term use can mean a shorter recovery time but that is not written in stone just a general observation I think.  Have you found anything that helps you ...anything at all?

[btdt]

Are you taking any drug now... Atenolol?  by chance or anything else?

[btdt]

I made a post about atenolol here

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6322-drugs-that-can-trigger-suicide-or-homicide/

[btdt]

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6216-non-psych-drugs-causing-psych-symptoms/?hl=%2Bproton+%2Bpump+%2Binhibitors

 

one more

[shelby]

I'm not on anything ... have not been since Oct last year... I am taking a supplement called NAC and thyroid supplement (kelp)

[btdt]

Have you tried not taking the supplement to see if there is a difference?

I only say that as I have had some amazing reactions to vitamin ect since i quit...

even mag that everyone else loves.. I reacted to after a few days ... and Vit D3

[shelby]

I keep thinking I am protracted because I am almost 2 years off Klonopin, but maybe not because I am only 6 months off Effexor... many people told me that coming off effexor csn be just as bad as benzos, just strange that it hit majorly at 6 months

[shelby]

I've only been taking the supplements for two weeks

[Altostrata]

shelby, I merged your "mentally dead" topic with your Intro topic as it's become about your particular situation.

 

Unfortunately, 6 months off Effexor is not a long time for recovery from withdrawal syndrome, which will be very, very gradual.

 

Do what you can to exercise your mind and reduce your anxiety. See the Symptoms and Self-Care forum for suggestions.

[shelby]

Thanks. I was going crazy trying to find it