☼ dcrmt: 2 years off

[dcrmt]

Well, as of mid April, I've been off SSRI's for two years. The real definitive withdrawal symptoms had eased off by the end of the first year, but there's lingering stuff that's still there.

 

-Emotional depth is... well it's there, but the thing is I'm not used to it. I've been on psych drugs since I was 10. SSRI's since 14 and I was completely nuts from about age 18 to 25, so I'm not really used to 'normal' human emotions. I've tended to get over emotional, tended to get too angry, too sad.

-I have PSSD. It's not particularly bad, but I still have issues with anorgasmia - it's somewhat intermittent and can be overcome, but it's definitely there.

this was 100% the lexapro IMO, it wasn't like that when I had sex as a teenager while on zoloft only. 

-I'm still stuck trying to sort out my life. I've gone back to uni and am actually keeping my head above water, but I have all this stuff hanging over my head because of the choices "I" made while on lexapro. It's actually worse than if I'd simply been in prison or something and done absolutely nothing because among other things "I" went to uni and ballsed it up, I have student debt from that and it's created other issues that I have to deal with now and may not even be able to overcome.

-Ability to concentrate is way better. It's impossible to disentangle from the amount of stress and distraction that's affecting me at the moment. 

 

-Sleep is fine. I can sleep just fine, I only wish I had more time to sleep. I do still find that it's easy to disrupt my sleep patterns, that they're not very 'set' but I have no problem getting to sleep at night. 

I really struggle to believe that it's all real sometimes. That whole period of my life just doesn't feel real. That sense has only deepened the longer I've been off drugs - when I was in withdrawal I'd actually fluctuate day to day, even during the day - sometimes I'd be 'connected' to that time and those memories, sometimes I wouldn't. My actual ability to remember things kept shifting.

It doesn't now, it's just stuck on "feels like a horrible dream".
 

[dcrmt]

The other thing, totally not relating to withdrawal itself, is that I hate society now.

I hate the foul society that poisoned me when I was just a child, wrecked my life before I ever got a chance to grow up, stole my youth from me - for nothing.

I hate this country and I hate everyone in it - because it wasn't just my parents or a handful of doctors - it was a system, a system that most people support.
Psychiatry is treated as a 'real' medical discipline and respected as such - people tell you to trust doctors, to trust these god damn pricks.

Teachers single out children (mostly boys) for abuse - teachers who themselves are god-damn morons who'd never have been allowed near a university or professional job 50 years ago.
People all over the place push people toward uncritical acceptance of medical treatment - you see it all the time, you see it will all the beyondblue **** that gets thrown up whenever the media can't help but peripherally acknowledge a suicide.

"IF YOU'RE FEELING DOWN GET HELP!" - oh yes, get a daily dose of suicide pills, of failure pills. 

This isn't simply a medical phenomena - it's a social phenomena. From the beginning Psychiatry has never done anything but maim, whether they were torturing people in asylums, sticking ice-picks into their brains, frying brains with electricity or destroying them with psychotropics. It's never been about healing people, it's always been about ******* them up.

That society pretends it's something else is just a sick trap, a sick game as victims are pushed toward the abusers, the professional poisoners. The truth is that this is a society that is totalitarian - it's just so subtle and insidious that you don't see it. You don't see the obscenity that people are convinced to take drugs to change the way they think because they are inconvenient for others, that children are forced to take drugs to make them think-good, to neuter and chemically lobotomize them.

The entire premise of 'depression' is a lie - peoples lives are ****, so they feel bad. That's the basis of 9/10ths of it, more even.
It's not them, they're only human - it's the environment. You can't put a rat in a maze and then complain that the rat doesn't take the right route through it, that it doesn't do what you want it to - it's only a rat. It can only do what a rat does.
The rat is always right. - so really when people who're suffering because their environment is ****, because there are no jobs, or because they're stressed at work, or because they're being crushed by a ridiculous mortgage, psychiatry blames the individual, declares them defective and tells them they need to be on drugs for life to help them get by in our complex modern world with their defective brain. Psychology in general is no better - it's just less destructive. 
All of this mental health **** is social control and nothing more. There's no such thing as mental health, it's all bullsh*t top to bottom. 

So in summery, the drugging of children, or the pushing of these poisons onto people young and old isn't simply a crime by the medical establishment, by psychiatrists or pharmaceutical companies - it's a collective crime committed by society against the individual.

 

...

 

Really I just want to get this degree, work a few years and then leave never to return. I don't even care where I go. 

I've already ditched my hometown, where all this happened by ~1200 kilometers, but more would always be nice.

 

[LoveandLight]

Heya..I feel like this also..

 

Actually I'm starting to think that I was damaged by a vaccine at 5 yrs old which started off treatments, which started new medical problems and the cycle continued.

 

We may, as we heal manage to forgive and more on but right now..it's seems unbelievable to me and like a very sick joke.

[LoveandLight]

Not feeling safe with the medical profession and trying to deal with withdrawal and day to day uncertainty, change in perception..more than enough to bring on depression. How ridiculous.

 

I'm bitter and angry but we must find a way to overcome this eh? Or they win.

[dcrmt]

I perhaps shouldn't have posted the second part. I'm extremely bitter and angry at the whole thing.

To be honest it's probably the only thing keeping me going - anger, rage, outrage. Like some kind of heat engine tapping an enormous energy reservoir.

[AliG]

 We're all bitter, but we calm down after a while, because what are you going to do?  Sorry you're going through this. You're in a good place.  Someone , will be along soon. 

[LoveandLight]

http://recoveringfrompsychiatry.com/video/

 

First vid "how I grieved.."

 

Thought you might like it.

[dalsaan]

Hi dcrmt,

 

You have been here for a while.  Have you previously had a thread in the intro section?  If so, I will merge this one with your original one.  Its one thread per member in this forum

 

Dalsaan

[dcrmt]

Hi dcrmt,

 

You have been here for a while.  Have you previously had a thread in the intro section?  If so, I will merge this one with your original one.  Its one thread per member in this forum

 

Dalsaan

I actually haven't - sorry, I realized I buggered up the naming of the thread.

 

If it's possible could this thread just be renamed appropriately?

[dalsaan]

well that explains why I couldnt find one!   I have put your username in the title to make this your personal thread that you can to ask questions, document what's happening for you, get stuff off your chest etc

 

Dalsaan

[DLB]

Hey dcrmt, glad things are a little better for you after that first year. I have a question though, did you have sleep problems early on? starting mid taper and now 1 month off completely after a 15 month taper from 10 mg. paxil I have awful sleep and can never sleep past 3:30 or 4:00 AM. I noticed you mentioned your sleep is good and I was wondering if it was ever bad and for how long. Thanks

[mammaP]

I love your rant, please don't apologise for it or regret posting it! It is exactly how most of us feel but especially those who were drugged as children! 

Eventually we have to let go of the anger because it just doesn't  get us anywhere, but it is so hard when you are suffering so badly.  

I hope that you finish your degree and manage to put the hurt and trauma behind you, heal and be happy, you deserve it after what you have been through.

[Altostrata]

dcrmt, thank you for updating.

 

It sounds like it may be difficult, but you're starting to see this long period of suffering in the rear-view mirror. Perhaps you can transmute this into a greater understanding of the plight of others, even a career direction. How about as an advocate for children and teens, in some capacity?

 

I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[Hopefull]

Dcrmt,

Your anger is understandable. I have felt angry too and still do. But try not to hold onto anger and bitterness as it is not good for the soul or for the heart.

I gathered that you are from Australia. Getting help through community organizations is hard. Unless you are suffering from psychotic ilness there is 0 support, especially if are suffering from Ad's induced WD.

It all looks good on paper, when s...hits the fan, there is no help insight.

This is what makes me angry too.

I think that it is fantastic that you have gone back to uni and that you are going to rebuild your life.

Well done on that. All the best in the future!

[dcrmt]

In all honesty anger, bitterness and hate is just about the only thing driving me at the moment.

 

...if you have a heat well which is at a higher temperature than a heat sink (eg the enviroment), you can use that difference to generate work. 1st year thermodyamics right there...

Oh yeah, and I'm going to turn 28 next week.

[dcrmt]

I've actually just started back, didn't do much with the holidays aside from dealing with a long running problem I have, which will hopefully be resolved by the end of the year.

Anyway, that was last semester

 

[image: top grades of Distinction in 4 courses]

 

Shame I didn't get the opportunity to do this when I was 18.

Edited January 18, 2019 by Altostrata
deleted image at request of poster

[apace41]

Shame I didn't get the opportunity to do this when I was 18.

 

Don't take this the wrong way, dcrmt, as feeling like you've lost years is never going to sit well, but there is good news that you are still only 28 and you have a full life ahead of you.  You have the choice as to whether you dwell on the negative or seek the positive.  It is totally and completely a choice.  Anger, hate, bitterness, resentment will fuel you for a while but at some point you will need to do what you want to do because you choose to do it and see it from the positive side.  Far be it for me to lecture you about how to conduct your life, but given the possibility that you could have 50 or 60 more years of living time, find a way to see the contributions you can make to others.  You are clearly a smart dude -- share that with others.

 

I'm glad you are generally improving and hope that over time you can learn to accept, move forward and flourish.

 

Andy

[DaddyCee]

yes 28 is no age at all really. congratulations on coming through the hell that is AD Withdrawl. I'm nearing the 2 year milestone myself.

[Aliwill]

Your thread has really touched me. You so eloquently put into words how I feel. I wasn't drugged as a child but feel that I have missed so many years as a mother after starting to take these drugs after the birth of my first child.

 

I do believe one day that the dangers of these drugs will be known. 5 or 10 years, I don't know, but one day.

 

We are all angry and disappointed at what has happened to us. The unfairness of it, and the corruption behind it.

 

I hope that one day we can all find peace so that we can move forward and live lives that we deserve. We've done this the hard way. Hopefully our journeys will save others in the future.

 

Ali.

[powerback]

On ‎5‎/‎10‎/‎2015 at 10:50 AM, dcrmt said:

The other thing, totally not relating to withdrawal itself, is that I hate society now.

I hate the foul society that poisoned me when I was just a child, wrecked my life before I ever got a chance to grow up, stole my youth from me - for nothing.

I hate this country and I hate everyone in it - because it wasn't just my parents or a handful of doctors - it was a system, a system that most people support.
Psychiatry is treated as a 'real' medical discipline and respected as such - people tell you to trust doctors, to trust these god damn pricks.

Teachers single out children (mostly boys) for abuse - teachers who themselves are god-damn morons who'd never have been allowed near a university or professional job 50 years ago.
People all over the place push people toward uncritical acceptance of medical treatment - you see it all the time, you see it will all the beyondblue **** that gets thrown up whenever the media can't help but peripherally acknowledge a suicide.

"IF YOU'RE FEELING DOWN GET HELP!" - oh yes, get a daily dose of suicide pills, of failure pills. 

This isn't simply a medical phenomena - it's a social phenomena. From the beginning Psychiatry has never done anything but maim, whether they were torturing people in asylums, sticking ice-picks into their brains, frying brains with electricity or destroying them with psychotropics. It's never been about healing people, it's always been about ******* them up.

That society pretends it's something else is just a sick trap, a sick game as victims are pushed toward the abusers, the professional poisoners. The truth is that this is a society that is totalitarian - it's just so subtle and insidious that you don't see it. You don't see the obscenity that people are convinced to take drugs to change the way they think because they are inconvenient for others, that children are forced to take drugs to make them think-good, to neuter and chemically lobotomize them.

The entire premise of 'depression' is a lie - peoples lives are ****, so they feel bad. That's the basis of 9/10ths of it, more even.
It's not them, they're only human - it's the environment. You can't put a rat in a maze and then complain that the rat doesn't take the right route through it, that it doesn't do what you want it to - it's only a rat. It can only do what a rat does.
The rat is always right. - so really when people who're suffering because their environment is ****, because there are no jobs, or because they're stressed at work, or because they're being crushed by a ridiculous mortgage, psychiatry blames the individual, declares them defective and tells them they need to be on drugs for life to help them get by in our complex modern world with their defective brain. Psychology in general is no better - it's just less destructive. 
All of this mental health **** is social control and nothing more. There's no such thing as mental health, it's all bullsh*t top to bottom. 

So in summery, the drugging of children, or the pushing of these poisons onto people young and old isn't simply a crime by the medical establishment, by psychiatrists or pharmaceutical companies - it's a collective crime committed by society against the individual.

 

...

 

Really I just want to get this degree, work a few years and then leave never to return. I don't even care where I go. 

I've already ditched my hometown, where all this happened by ~1200 kilometers, but more would always be nice.

 

OH wow dcrmt what a piece of writing dam I liked it 👍 .just a brilliant surmise of society's ill s 

I hope your doing ok on your journey .

Focus on what serves you and leave who ever wants to stay asleep to themselves .I know I will .

Total resect .

[dcrmt]

This was all written quite a while ago, will have to update it at some point.

[nick1990]

Hey dcrmt. Im just across the Tasman from you. Im on a pretty good path myself, but would love to hear from you and see how your doing. Cheers! Nick

[Hopefull]

On 3/19/2019 at 9:15 PM, dcrmt said:

This was all written quite a while ago, will have to update it at some point.

 

When you feel ready,  please update. 

I hope you have been well and got your degree at the end. 

[marconyc]

You have every right to be angry.

[Altostrata]

Hello, @dcrmt, how are you doing?