pillprob: My Story

[pillprob]

I have been reading all your posts for at least five years. I will try and make my story as short as I can. First off I would like to clarify that I am a 51 year old man. My name is Michael and I was staying in Florida with my mother and grandfather but I am back in California, where I was born and raised. The pills made me afraid to reveal my true identity. These pills have done many bad things to me. I will just try to cut to the chase. Tragedy in family from the age of 14 to 17. By 18 years old had ECT. Temporary relief. Started Paxil at around twenty five. Been on for over twenty years. Did very slow taper and have been off for almost 7 months. Horrible adadonia, apathy, anxiety depression, panic attacks etc. What scared me more is that the first 3 to 4 months were not super bad and I had a few windows. Now all of a sudden at six months severe anxiety and depression getting worse. Terrified. Going backward?

[clearday]

Welcome -

 

It's common to get hit with severe delayed withdrawal waves. Especially if you were on Paxil for so long.

 

These drugs don't go without a fight. We just have to fight back, and have a lot of patience.

 

After I stopped Prozac, I was fine then got hit with withdrawal four months out.

 

After I stopped Lexapro, I was fine then I got hit with bad Lexapro withdrawal at seven months out, then again at ten months out.

 

It's dynamic, the body is adjusting to life without the drug.

 

It often takes a couple years, even longer, of healing to return to normalcy.

 

While difficult, hopefully it will be tolerable for you.

 

A moderator should be along to discuss your options, maybe re-instating on a low dose to minimize withdrawal.

 

But at seven months out, going back on the drug may not help. Tough choices.

[Fresh]

Hi pillprob , welcome to the site.

 

It's not uncommon after so many years of use to have protracted withdrawal syndrome.   I had a similar course -

things got worse at 6 months after stopping.  

I don't see it as going backwards , more like moving through the withdrawal process.

As clearday says , you might want to consider reinstating to stop the w/d progressing further , and give you chance to

stabilize.

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this too.  It's tough , I know.

 

Best wishes ,  Fresh

[Petunia]

Welcome pillbrob,

I'm sorry you are not feeling well. As Clearday and Fresh have already mentioned, withdrawal can hit several months after being off a drug, this happened to me too.

 

Could you tell us a little more about how you tapered off Paxil? Are you on any other medications or have you been in the past?

 

Would you say your symptoms are getting consistently worse, or do they come in waves?

 

When we have a few more details, we will be able to offer some better suggestions.

 

Petunia.

[Whoopsie]

Hi Michael ... welcome to the forum.  When you say you slow tapered, how long did it take you to come off Paxil and what dose were you on?  I'm also curious if you are or were on other psychotropic medications as well.

 

You asked if you were going backward ... I know it feels that way but this is what the healing process is like for some unfortunate souls, it feels like it gets worse before it gets better.  My heart breaks when I am reminded of how difficult the first year off was.  You have already come a long way which proves that you have the strength to overcome this awful illness, one day at a time. 

[pillprob]

To Petunia and Whoopie

 

I was on 60 mgs Paxil. I was also taking Ativan as needed and five or more years ago i was on Lithium off and on. I am not bipolar at all.

 

The last five years of my drug use was only Paxil and I withdrew over a two year period weighing out very small little chips with an 800 dollar pharmacy scale I bought for the accuracy and sensitivity for the tiny dose range.

 

The mistake i may have made was to speed up the taper on the last 10 mgs. and I should have slowed it down to several more weeks which I did not do and I kind of "jumped off" with some quick larger doses. At least I didn't CT like some of the people on here. Did they not survive? Please let me know. Thank you both.

[mammaP]

Hi Michael, thank you for posting your introduction.  It is such a shame that you stopped at 10mg after tapering for 2 years. If it is any consolation many of us have done the same thing! The last few mgs need to be slowed down with smaller cuts, we now know that they are still very potent even at very low doses. It is common to have a 'honeymoon period' when everything is fantastic for a while after quitting. I did the same and was great for a month before withdrawal hit, and that was a tiny 1mg dose of effexor.  At seven months off it might help to reinstate just 0.5 mg, just to see how it feels, but it's a gamble as many people become sensitised to the drug and have adverse reactions.   

 

You feel like you are going backwards but you are going forward, you are 7 months closer to healed.  People do survive protracted withdrawal, there are many success stories but most people who do get better just carry on with their lives, they don't want to hang out here and who can blame them?  It is a very gradual process, you will have windows and waves, the waves will always feel like they will never end, and that they are the worst ever, but they do pass eventually and another window takes it's place. As time goes by and your brain heals the waves will lessen and the windows will increase, you will probably hardly notice it until one day you will realise that you are doing something you couldn't possibly have done a few weeks/months previously. We have members who have been bedridden and unable to function, but recovered. You will recover too, we will support you and be your cheerleaders 

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium very helpful in withdrawal.  They are the only supplements we actively recommend, there are topics for many others that people have tried, some with success but others with bad reactions, so  read the topics carefully before trying them and any you do try start with a very low dose.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

[pillprob]

Thank you all very so much for your support. A note to MammaP. I did not just go down to 10mg and then stop from there. I think I cut the 10 mg pill by a quarter a week, which by what you all say, I probably should have cut a quarter every three or four weeks. Yes? Appreciate all your help.

[clearday]

10% taper method is recommended here.

 

Tapering instructions:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1024-why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/

[Fresh]

Ideally you would have continued 10% decreases every month or so.  Lots of people seem to find the

w/d symptoms magnified at the smaller doses.   

I remember the end of my taper in 2013 , I wanted to rush at the end using the same logic . . , "It's a tiny

dose , it won't matter".

Don't berate yourself , what's done is done.

 

[Petunia]

Copied from a PM with permission:

 

You asked,
Would you say your symptoms are getting consistently worse, or do they come in waves?

The first 3 or 4 months were bad but I had a few windows and things were hopeful.

At 5 months and a week or two, started getting severe anxiety and panic and worse depression. Just last week tried to find inpatient hospital for the purpose of supervision.

Panic comes and goes and I am using Ativan about three days a week when the terror and panic comes on real strong and I feel very agitated.

Hopefully it's going down a bit over the days. I don't know quite yet. Reinstate at 7 months out? What will this do? Isn't that a big backward motion?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is, I'm in protracted withdrawal myself and experienced acute withdrawal symptoms for months before I started seeing some improvement. Even now I still go through rough patches, in waves, but for a while I was certain I wasn't going to recover.

 

Its better if you can get through withdrawal without going into hospital. I doubt you will find somewhere willing to supervise you without adding more drugs. The experience of most members who have been hospitalized in withdrawal is that they are given new medications which they then have to withdraw from. But if you feel your own safety is at risk, then you do need to seek this kind of help.

 

Reinstatement of a small amount of the drug can often work well to alleviate withdrawal symptoms. According to medical knowledge, reinstatement is the only way to alleviate withdrawal symptoms. Reinstatement is best done immediately upon appearance of withdrawal symptoms. The more time that passes, the less likely it is to work.

 

But at 7 months out, this isn't something we would normally suggest, but there is still a possibility it would help. For some people, withdrawal can last a long time and go through stages where it gets worse before it gets better, making it very difficult to function in life, from what you have written, it sounds like you were doing ok for a while and then your symptoms started to increase. They will get better again, but it could take a while. If you keep notes on paper, rating symptoms and their occurrence, you will get to know your own pattern of recovery and should start to notice improvement over time.  Its up to you to decide if you would like to try reinstatement, we have members who it has worked for at this late stage.  Once someone has stabilized on a low dose of the drug, then a slower, safer taper can be started. Here is some information about reinstatement to help you decide if its something you would like to try, it explains it in more detail.

About reinstating and stabilizing to stop withdrawal symptoms

 

Here are a couple more topics for your to read which will help you understand what's going on:

 

What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Recovery

 

I'm also concerned about your use of Ativan, what dose are you taking?

 

I hope others with more benzo experience will chime in here. If you are taking it more than once or twice a week, its possible you have developed a dependency on it and could be experiencing interdose, rebound withdrawal, this is more likely to happen in a nervous system sensitized by withdrawal. In these situations, if you are going to use it, its often better to divide your dose and take it on a regular basis, several times a day, so its level remains stable in your body. Ativan is a short acting benzo, so I think it needs to be taken 3 or 4 times a day, but I'm not certain.

 

Have a look through our Symptoms and self-care  section for more ideas about how to get through withdrawal, there's a lot of good information there.

 

One last thing, could I ask you to fill in your signature with you drug history. Putting a short version of your drug and tapering history in your signature helps people understand your context, it appears below each of your posts. Here are instructions for how to do it:

 

http://survivinganti...your-signature/

[pillprob]

I'm so sorry Petunia but in my state of mind, I can barely function and I am doing the minimum to just get by with my life.

 

I can barely make it to the grocery store these days because I have too much anxiety to wait in line. I have lower back pain and I am supposed to go get a colonoscopy on may 20, which I don't know how that is going to happen.

 

I have bad panic anxiety attacks about every two days and I take 1 mg Ativan and it really helps calm me down. It is the only "go to" I have.

 

When I get in a state of mind where I can think more clearly, I will type more of what you want me to.

 

I guess I should also mention that on top of all this, I have a wife with advanced Multiple sclerosis so she cannot be taking care of me.

 

It has been the other way around for many years. This does not help my situation

[Petunia]

There's no need to apologize, you have a lot on your plate and I can see why you're having such a difficult time, all that and now you are in paxil withdrawal. But you will get through this. Focus on staying calm and staying in the present moment, do one thing at a time and pay attention to your breathing when you feel yourself getting out of control.

 

Take your time with reading the links I posted, just do as much as you can.

 

If you have questions, post them here in your topic.

[pillprob]

I do have allot on my plate and I feel overwhelmed. If I were not in withdrawal, these things would not bother me but the withdrawal just makes everything seem impossible.

[pillprob]

Please help me with this problem I am dealing with. A big reason that I continue to feel hopeless is that I am thinking in my mind that I will never make it through or will never be happy because I will still be faced with some of the problems that I originally had, which is the reason I started on the medicine in the first place.

The medicine "contained" me all those years. Now I'm stripping away the only "friend" I had that kept me going in life. My psychologist says that Paxil was the only friend I had, which he is right. How could I ever be ok after leaving my only crutch.

I have always been on some kind of medicine most of my life. ( I am sending this out to several people to get more than one view. Please forgive me. Is there a way I can send one message to many people?)

[LoveandLight]

Pillprob ..I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with..

 

I've been on antidepressant since I was 17 and I'm now 31 so I understand your worries and concerns. I guess we will find out in time how we get on. I have no choice but to try and come off as I can no longer function on it.

 

Best wishes to you.

[Petunia]

By posting here on your thread, you will get the best response because most people browse this section, so this is the best place.

 

I need to ask you a few more questions, so that we can get a better understanding of what may be happening, another staff member who knows more about benzo use is also concerned about your occasional use of ativan,  it may be making your symptoms worse.

 

How long have you been taking ativan and when did the panic attacks start?

[pillprob]

My panic attacks started somewhere around six months...BEFORE I took any Ativan. So at about six months and a week I started taking 1 MG of Ativan at around 6pm for about 3 weeks straight. ( I waited till the evening to see if I could get through the day).

 

Now at seven months off, I am only taking one milligram of Ativan every 2 days or sometimes every other day. The attacks seem to be getting less frequent. I will also mention that my first full blown panic anxiety attack at the six month mark started on the seventh or 8th day of my course of Bactrim, an antibiotic for a prostate infection.

 

Yes I know all about what antibiotics do for depression. I tried everything natural to fight the infection for a month before, again I was taking all kinds of funky herbs and supplements but they did not effect me like the antibiotic did. (Herbs did not work) After I stopped the antibiotic before I completed the course, I was eating 3 to 5 bulbs of garlic a day and pretty much beat the infection.

 

Some say that garlic does not eat up the good bacteria in your gut but I believe that it does and did and it contributed to my continued panic attacks.

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I have been taking probiotics way before I stated the antibiotic and after the antibiotic. I have been skippng it lately because I think it may be a bit activating but I eat yogurt every day.

[pillprob]

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help . I go hours and now days where I am in deep depression that I feel I am never coming out of and then I start to think, what is the point. Why am I alive. I am really dead brain wise. HELP, HELP HELP HELP! !!!!

[Altostrata]

Welcome, pillprob.

 

Read particularly One theory of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Recovery

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

For what it's worth, I had a colonoscopy last year without any drugs, it was no big deal (other than the fasting and the prep liquid), and I'm a small woman -- small women are supposed to have the worst time.

[Petunia]

You asked me what will happen if you don't reinstate, if you will just get worse and worse. Its impossible to predict what will happen, but eventually you will recover, its just impossible to know how long it will take. Please read the links we are posting for you, these will answer your questions and help you decide whether or not to try reinstalling.

 

I'm more concerned with the way you are using Ativan. If you took it every day for 3 weeks, its possible you have become dependent on it and are now going into Ativan withdrawal every 2-3 days when you don't take it.

 

Please would you post a topic for yourself in our benzo forum here:

Members-only benzo forum

In that forum, members and staff with benzo experience will be able to help you adjust the way you are using Ativan which should help speed up stabilization and recovery.

[pillprob]

Thank you so much Petunia

[Petunia]

pillprob asked via PM for more advice on reinstatement:

 

 How much. How long to I maintain the dose before I stop it if it doesn't work and if it does, how much should I taper how often 10% a month? Please help. Do you really feel though that it has been too long, maybe?

 

I'm responding here so others have a chance to offer any comments, feedback or further suggestions.

 

Hi pillprob,

This is what I suggest you do now. Work with Skyler in the benzo forum to try and stabilize with regular dosing of Ativan. If you are making changes to two drugs at the same time, you wont know how each is effecting you.

 

When you have stabilized on Ativan, which may take several weeks, then see how you feel and decide if you want to go ahead and try reinstating a small amount of Paxil.

 

This topic will answer all your reinstatement questions:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to stop withdrawal symptoms

 

Here is our Paxil tapering topic which has instructions for safely tapering off that:

 

http://survivinganti...xil-paroxetine/

 

If you decide to reinstate Paxil after stabilizing on Ativan, we would recommend tapering off Paxil before beginning your Ativan taper, so this would mean you would be regularly taking Ativan for a lot longer than you might want to. So this would be something to consider.

 

I don't know if reinstating after 7 months would work for you or not. It works for some people and not for others. Please read the reinstatement topic for more details.

 

I'm happy to know you are feeling better.

[Skyler]

Seconded!...   Pillprob, you and I are working on the best dose of Atiavn, which includes how many times a day you need to take a split dose. No way can I adjust this at the same time you are updosing another drug.  Hold on... we may be done with that process in the next 2 or 3 days, after which you need several weeks longer to make sure you are stabilized.  Unfortunately, it's a little tricky to get things straightened out with the shorter acting benzos, so hold the course.

 

I also think it would be better to post on your thread until that process is complete.. using PMs to discuss other drugs can muddy the waters a good bit, and give the mods a big headache. Stay on coarse for a bit..  you have been doing good with that!

[Fresh]

Thirded (?) ,  pillprob , it's better to have everyone's responses in one place , so it's a group discussion rather than private conversations.

 

I agree that taking Ativan in regular , divided doses is likely to be more helpful than waiting till you escalate every 2 days and then

taking 1mg.

Skyler is working with you on this.

I don't see the ativan as slowing your paxil progress , rather it's helping you get through it.

[pillprob]

Very nice answer. Thank you Fresh. Now I will post the question again here as Petunia has requested.

 

 

 

 

I'm very concerned that because I am on a very low dose of Ativan (1 mg for only 1 month) and tapering, that it is slowing my Paxil progress. Any thoughts please?

[Petunia]

Thank you for posting your questions and concerns on your thread, this is how we are best able to support you. Here is a copy of my response on your thread in the benzo forum, your latest concern is addressed.

 

 

Jumping in here to clarify a few things:

 

  Don't worry. I am not going to reinstate Paxil. I want to try and ride it out and actually the taper off the Ativan is helping me do that.

 

pillprob, right now you are NOT tapering off Ativan, you are attempting to stabilize on it.

 

Originally you were in Paxil withdrawal from tapering too fast off the last 10mg, after having taken it for over 20 years. 

 

Then you had a bad reaction to an antibiotic, which increased symptoms and further destabilized your nervous system.

 

Then you started taking Ativan every few days to try and manage symptoms.

 

You increased your Ativan use and over time developed a physical dependency on it, causing interdose withdrawal when you didn't take it.  This further increased symptoms and nervous system instability.

 

The fact that you are starting to feel better now, by keeping Ativan at a stable blood level, is evidence that you were experiencing Ativan withdrawal symptoms.

 

I think we can now assume that you are in a state of withdrawal from both Paxil and Ativan.

 

By taking Ativan in a consistent way for a period of time, hopefully it will allow your nervous system to re-stabilize. Ideally you will be able to think more clearly and feel more in control.

 

You need to be able to think clearly so that you are back in control of you life, can decide things for yourself and do what you need to do.

 

I suggest you don't think about beginning to taper off Ativan until you reach this point. Possibly several months, maybe longer. Its going to have to be your decision but don't assume it will be easier if you do it sooner.

 

By keeping your blood levels of Ativan stable in this way, it may be protecting you from feeling some of the underlying Paxil withdrawal symptoms, but you will still be recovering. (from paxil ).

 

Once you are completely tapered off the Ativan, the underlying Paxil withdrawal symptoms will most likely be fully uncovered again.

 

I'm not certain of any of this, but this is my understanding from what I've learned over the last couple of years.

 

Because you are starting to feel better already, I recommend reading through the links we have posted for you and do some reading in the symptoms and self care section, so that you can learn more about withdrawal and how to deal with it. The more you understand the easier it will be for us to continue helping and supporting you.

 

We also still need to see your drug and tapering history in your signature. The instructions are posted in your main intro thread.

[pillprob]

I suggest you don't think about beginning to taper off Ativan until you reach this point. Possibly several months, maybe longer. Its going to have to be your decision but don't assume it will be easier if you do it sooner.

 

 

 

Thank you for your detailed reply. I was only on Ativan for a little over a month. It doesn't make allot of sense to me to taper many months longer then I was on the medicine.

 

So far, I am doing fair with .75 a day. .25 at 7am, .25 at 3 pm and .25 at 11pm. In my eyes this is the beginning of a taper, is it not? I was taking a full mg a day. You mean stabilize on .75 ?

 

If you really believe that it will not effect my paxil withdrawal then I am all for it. This was the only concern I had about even starting Atvan but I had to have it when I had my doctor write the script.

 

I thought I was completely losing it. So I will stay with this schedule for at least a month and see how it goes. Something still tells me that I should get off the Benzo sooner and that I'm setting myself up for another addiction.

 

Nevertheless, what I dread is going back to the full blown side effects of the Paxil without the buffer of the Ativan. And after all, .75 is a pretty low dose, yes? Thanks Petunia

[Fresh]

Line 1 pillprob . . . "Right now you are NOT tapering off Ativan , you are attempting to stabilize on it"

 

The hope is that you will stabilize on less than the 1mg you were using before , by dividing the doses and taking it regularly.

[pillprob]

Ok

[pillprob]

I want to write about something that I'm battling with in my mind.

 

Back in1994, I went on Social Security/disability.

 

This was several years after I was on Paxil and at that time I ThOUGHT I was feeling well. I would just go places with my wife like Las Vegas or to the beach or out to eat or to the show and just enjoy my work free life.

 

I have not worked in over twenty years. Over this period of time, I have lost my work ethic.  Now that I am in withdrawal, and all this guilt has come in and I feel worthless and I feel I have no purpose.

 

I have this anxiety and urgent need to go out in the community and get a job so I feel like I'm contributing to society. The terrifying thing is that I know deep down that as much as I tell myself I want to go out and work so I feel like I have a purpose, y brain and body really don't have any desire or motivation to do this.

 

I just want to stay home or do very little. The apathy and having no motivation keeps me from doing anything productive. I just don't have the desire. So then I start thinking what is the point. I am a worthless person in society.

 

I feel like I don't want to go to work and be around people because I don't care or feel good around people, although I desperately want to.

 

This is really killing me and again it greatly lowers my self esteem because I look at myself as a lazy person that is living off the government and everyone else is out there making an honest living and enjoying being around other people and they are productive and I am a mentally ill failure.

 

I'm afraid I will never get back that desire to go out and earn a living and be part of this big game of life. Has anyone else felt like this?

 

Another big problem is that, well first, I always have been somewhat of a hypochondriac but when I was younger I didn't give it much thought.

 

Now that I'm older and I have some health problems (probably allot to do with the pills), I get real depressed and say to myself what's the use.

 

Even if I do get better from withdrawal, I could never be happy or content because I will be walking around with my lower back pain or my digestion problems and they are probably cancer, etc.

 

Or I will wake up and start saying to myself, If I could get rid of this back pain I would be happy or if I was able to enjoy my food and not be nauseous all the time I would be happy.

[Petunia]

Here are a few topics you may find useful:

 

Neuro-emotion

Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation

Ruminations and being haunted by regrets.

[clearday]

I have not worked in over twenty years. Over this period of time, I have lost my work ethic.  Now that I am in withdrawal, and all this guilt has come in and I feel worthless and I feel I have no purpose.

 

I have this anxiety and urgent need to go out in the community and get a job so I feel like I'm contributing to society. The terrifying thing is that I know deep down that as much as I tell myself I want to go out and work so I feel like I have a purpose, y brain and body really don't have any desire or motivation to do this.

 

I just want to stay home or do very little. The apathy and having no motivation keeps me from doing anything productive. I just don't have the desire. So then I start thinking what is the point. I am a worthless person in society.

 

This is really killing me and again it greatly lowers my self esteem because I look at myself as a lazy person that is living off the government and everyone else is out there making an honest living and enjoying being around other people and they are productive and I am a mentally ill failure.

 

I'm afraid I will never get back that desire to go out and earn a living and be part of this big game of life. Has anyone else felt like this?

 

You put your thoughts and words together very well. At least you know you can think very well, and completely understand your situation.

 

That connects you to the rest of society. You see where you fit in. You see how you would like to change your situation to have better balance.

 

Your challenges have made it more difficult for you than the average person to have a job. That isn't your fault, you are just trying to survive.

 

So don't get down on yourself as being "worthless". There are plenty of people out there with jobs who make this world a lousier place by their very existence. Just because someone has a job and is "contributing to society" doesn't mean they are worth much.  

 

It's good that you want  to get out there and have a job. We are social animals, and we do feel a natural urge to be an integral part of society, it is rewarding.  

 

But do it for yourself. Don't do it because you think society demands that from you. 

 

The first step is the hardest. Start out small. You'll find that being a functioning part of society isn't all that big of a deal that you've built up in your head. Having a part time job is good because we appreciate our down time more. It does create a balance that we benefit from mentally and emotionally.

 

Your job right now is to take care of your health as best as you can, and you are taking steps to do that.

[pillprob]

Thank you Clearday. Will my Motivation ever return?

[clearday]

I think many people eventually lose motivation in life at some point. 

 

It's such a common problem that motivational speakers like Tony Robbins make millions of dollars talking people out of their funk.

 

We all have to push ourselves.

 

People get trapped by inertia, whether it's inertia of doing nothing, or the opposite: inertia of being a workaholic and not knowing when to slow down.

 

After we take the first steps to change that, motivation may increase as our situation changes, and we develop better habits, and those habits develop an inertia of their own.

 

You're already motivated to change your situation because you're not happy with it. You just need to take action once your health allows it.

[mammaP]

Hi Michael, re your earlier pm.  You are in withdrawal from paxil, which is horrendous for anyone.  You are also dependent on ativan, which is addictive very quickly. When you take it every few days you feel better when you take it then feel bad again because you are withdrawing from it.  By taking it every 8 hours you will have a steady blood level which will prevent the withdrawal symptoms from ativan. It will also cushion the paxil withdrawal.  It will not slow down your recovery but if you start to taper ativan NOW you will likely worsen your withdrawal because you will have ativan withdrawal on top of paxil withdrawal.  You need to hold, keep taking the 3 doses a day and allow your brain and nervous system to stabilise.  When you are stable you can then start a slow taper from ativan.

It WILL get better, but you have to be patient. This will take time and there is no way to speed it up.  

 

You will get motivation back,  and WILL get better if you are patient and take care of yourself.