Orchid1976 journey to recovery

[Orchid1976]

Hello guys. So grateful for this site, I would like to thank you for keeping this site running for people like me.

 

I would like to tell you my story. In 2004 I was started on 40 mg of Paxil, for depression, that was really mild and occasional. But the doctor decided I need that high of a dose and that particular strong medication... I started taking it absolutely trusting him, but it was a mistake. I could not tolerate such high dose, so I started cutting pill in 4 pieces, and seemed worked, I felt more outgoing which was big plus because I always have been a little shy, but never thought it was a negative quality, until I started my job.

 

Anyways I was taking 10 mg of Paxil for about 1.5 years, than I started having memory problems, severe headache, fatigue, weight gain. So without research I started skipping the dose, started taking it every 2-3 day, instead of everyday, and it worked I had less headache, better memory, I was going to college during that time. 

And it worked for me for 8.5 years like that. I was taking 7.5 mg every 3 d day for 8.5 years...

 

In 2014 June, I started feeling anxious, resstless, not my self. I decided it is time to start taking paxil every day, cause I was taking it by my " own schedule" for so long, and it did not work anymore...It made me feel worst, I tryed to stop, went to the doctor they put me on Buspar and xanax, after one week taking that combo I was bedridden. I stopped, I knew it did not work at all, but made me worst.( just a note I am nurse) I always thought I know all about meds and their effects, no...., not these meds...

 

In Sept 2014 I was placed on Zoloft 12.5 mg, worked til December, started making me feel worst. I decided to reinstate Paxil, hoping it will work after the break, 5 mg every day, worked for 1 month and I stared feeling horrible symptoms, I could not work, I thought I am diyng, I could not tolerate the symptoms. I could not tapper, I just stopped CT March 1st  2015. The whole month I was in bed, could not function, on April 1 st I agreed with my doctor to start Lexapro he put me on 5 mg per day, I cut it and started taking 1.25 mg, just going by my gut feeling, cause these meds are scary... It worked for 2 weeks, and I started feeling sick again, I knew I need tapper it and I did, I stopped it on June 26 2015, almost 3 month off any med, and I am struggling...

 

Thank you God for your site and people that run it. 

Edited August 20, 2016 by scallywag
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[KarenB]

Hello Orchid,

 

Welcome  - you've been dealing with such a lot, it's no surprise you are struggling.  Each time we make a change in our medication, or increase/decrease the dosage, it increases our sensitivities to the medications.  Also, as you now know, after a certain amount of time the meds start to cause us problems.  This is what puts us between the rock and the hard place - problems when we take the meds, problems when we try to stop.

 

Someone more experienced than me would know about reinstating - but it usually works best if done soon after tapering. 

 

Nurturing yourself using some of the ideas from http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/

would be  a really good start.  Diet has a big effect on our ability to heal, and also on how intense withdrawal symptoms are.  Coffee can make it much worse.  I've been using cod-liver oil, vitamin E and pro-biotics, and many people here find magnesium very helpful.

 

Making a plan of how you could relieve stress can also help - then, when the anxiety ramps up you've already got things to try.  Hot bath with epsom salts is lovely.  Sipping ice-cold water (some people put magnesium-citrate at a low dose in it).  Do you have a friend you trust who could just come and be with you at the worst times?  Even a simple yoga pose like legs up the wall can help you get a bit more grounded.  Start reading and make a list that suits you - you'll soon build routines that make your life flow a bit easier. 

 

I know it's hard, really hard, but you will start to move through it.  You'll get there - our brains and bodies are very capable of healing, and even more so when we start to actively help them along that path.

 

Hugs,

Karen

[Nomoreheadmeds]

hi 'orchid1976' I hope you find some peace within soon

[Petunia]

Welcome Orchid,

I'm sorry to hear about everything you have been going through, with all those changes in drugs and doses over the years, its no wonder you are feeling so unwell now. It sounds to me that your nervous system has become badly destabilized by all the changes, and this is probably more the cause of your symptoms, rather than withdrawal from any one drug.

 

From what you have written, it looks like you can no longer tolerate any drug for very long, so I wouldn't recommend trying to reinstate anything, but use the resources here in our symptoms and self care section to manage as you recover. Karen gave you the link above.

 

Especially read the topics pinned at the top.

 

Many people find  fish oil and magnesium helpful, see King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) and Magnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker

 

It would be great if you would put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature. Doing this helps people understand your context, it appears below each of your posts. Here are instructions for how to do it:

 

http://survivinganti...your-signature/

 

You will recover, it may take some time, but you will find a lot of friendly help and support here, I'm glad you found us.

 

Petunia.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Orchid.

 

What are the symptoms you're feeliing now? Do they have any daily pattern?

[Orchid1976]

Hi guys. Thank you so much for your support and advise, I really appreciate it. I am taking one day at the time, praying, trying to eat healthy, even going hiking in local mountains for 1 hour or more 3 times a week, with my boyfriend. Who has been my main support through all of this. He understands what is happening to me and he is very patient and gentle, I cry and he listens and provides greatest support.

Altostrata, I have an ever changing pattern in my symptoms on a dayily basis. First week after I stopped taking Lexapro was the easiest week. Than symptoms started to emerge, first of all migrane headaches with tension and difficulty falling a sleep, these symptoms I have every day. Than a few days I had major derealesation with cognitive decline, than that went away, than depression comes, mixed with anxiety. Weakness in lower extremities, hearing and visual sensitivities. For example I had 2 days with less symptoms, good days, than yesterday I started having severe headache with pressure and dizziness and weakness to lower extremities, had severe insomnia last night and today I woke up in panic and terror, scared what is going to happen with me next, my boyfriend came I kept crying inconsolable for a long time, called off work, my boyfriend took me to urgent care and demanded a CT scan, they did it of course nothing is wrong on CT, I just wanted him to get peace of mind.

I do get windows, some days I wake up and I am genuinely happy, I would go to the pool, swim than come and clean my place. Sometimes I get nice windows when I work with my patients at work, I would come home and feel fulfilled with what I do, caring for people in need while I am thriving through this. And I would have a good day next day. This is my daily pattern. I need to start a journal, this thread will help me to keep truck of my progress too, and I know I have you guys with all the knowledge you have about long term adverse effects from these drugs. Thank you to all of you. I will keep you posted. Hugs and blessings.

[Orchid1976]

Dear Petunia, I will post my signature soon, I promise. Hugs.

[Orchid1976]

Hi guys. I was wondering if any of you have taken or know anything about Acetyl L Carnitine, amino acid? I have been taking 200 mg per day and it been helping me with fatigue, it gives me energy.I want to make sure it is safe for my nervous system.

[Altostrata]

Please keep notes on paper about your daily symptom pattern relative to any supplements you're taking.

 

Please look up supplements by using search in our Symptoms and Self-care forum  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/, which contains suggestions about how to cope with symptoms.

[Orchid1976]

Thank you, Altostrata, I have started a daily journal. Very important to keep track of these ever changing symptoms.

[Orchid1976]

Hi, guys. I had 3 day window, it felt so good, but today back in the trenches.... So tired, weak and hopeless...

[KarenB]

It's hard when that happens - even after all these months I still get surprised by bad days following good days.  I guess that when in the trenches we can do things to support our healing - like resting, meditating, eating some good food, sitting in the sun...

 

There is goodness - and you'll get out of those trenches again, nothing surer.

Hugs,

Karen

[Orchid1976]

Thank you Karen. I have faith that everything is gonna get better. It's just hard to believe right now, but I know I will and we all will. Just went to church, said many prayers. God is great, He makes things beautiful in His own time.

Hugs and Peace to you.

[Orchid1976]

I had another crying spell, cried for one hour. But it seems I feel better after it is over, so many tears, where are they coming from? lol. From all the years of blocked emotions, and many other feelings, so much have build up. Forgive my English, my second language, I try my best . Good night everybody.  Another day is over for me, it ended with tears, oh well hoping for a sunny window tomorrow. Wish you pleasant dreams and solid 8 hours of sleep~

[KarenB]

The tears are healing.  Sweet dreams...

 

PS If 1976 is your birth-year, then we are similar ages.  I was born 1978.

[Orchid1976]

Thank you dear Karen. I am 39 years old, you are 37. We are young, we have our whole life ahead of us.We just need to get better and stronger. We will be happy and enjoy life to the fullest, without pain, fear and other negative, which t is present in our lives just temporary. Wishing you a good day, I see you are in New Zealand. How awesome is that. I was born in South Eastern Europe. Immigrated to US when I was young.

                                     Hugs and Blessings to you~

[Altostrata]

Orchid, it sounds like you are in a better place to cope with your symptoms -- ever-changing is the norm for withdrawal syndrome.

 

Please look into Petunia's suggestion of fish oil and magnesium.

[Orchid1976]

Hello, Altostrata. I do feel better, esspecially after I started taking Mag Citrate, as you guys advised. I take about 50 mg before I go to sleep, and I fall asleep within 10 min, it's a miracle supplement. I feel little drowsy when I wake up, but it is so much better than waking up with anxiety in the morning. I have been taking lots of fish oil since 2014, when all the troubles with Paxil began. And I take a large dose trough the day, I buy TJ brand or Kirkland.

 

I also take ground flax seed mixed with juice every day. I also supplement with liquid probiotics, fresh lemon juice gives me instant boost of energy.

 

I am coping, it is a hardest thing I ever went through in my life. It is hard because I can't explain to people around what is happening to your body, while every system is severely affected by WD. Only my loved ones know, even for them it is hard to comprehend what is happening to me.

 

Faith, time and tender self- care are essential components for healing. I can't dislike myself anymore for my choice I made to start taking this med back in 2004. I realized I need to love my self more than ever right now, to heal. Any negative thought is affecting proper healing.

 

So now I nurture and love my body, my soul and my weak brain, to become whole again, as God intended me to be~

[intro]

So now I nurture and love my body, my soul and my weak brain, to become whole again, as God intended me to be~

 

 

Love this

[Orchid1976]

Thanks, Intro. Wishing you peace.

Orchid.

[Orchid1976]

Hi, guys. I am in need of advice and encoaragment... I am having severe tinnitus mostly to the right year, it's getting increasingly worst for the past few days, fearful something is gonna happen to my hearing permanently. Also my vision really decreased during night hours. This is all new, I am 3,5 month since last dose of Lexapro. Thanks in advance.

[KarenB]

Hello Orchid,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that.  I have only mild tinnitus so may not know as much as you, but wanted to send some love and hugs.  Have you seen this link?  I can't get the technique to work, but others have.  Might be worth a try? https://np.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/3l3uri/these_guys_lighting_a_mortar_shell_in_their_garage/cv3474n Seems to be quite individual as to who it works for.  

 

I hope someone else knows something.

Love,

Karen

[Orchid1976]

Thank you, dear Karen. Great link, I am going to try it.

It seems like tinnitus got somewhat mild. I slept really good last night. I think that helped: )

I hope everything is well with you.

Wishing you healing and God's blessings every day.

Love &hugs, Orchid

[KarenB]

What a relief for you!  I'm so glad.  I'm feeling pretty good.  I think that 0.4% cut I made was a good one - only minor symptoms and I seem to be settling again.  This is the most positive I've felt all year... trying to remind myself there will be ups and downs .

 

Hoping for more good sleeps for you.

Karen

[dreamspirit]

Hi Orchid, I was born in 1975 so we are close in age... I'm sorry to hear about all the med changes you have had and the set backs but sounds like you are heading in the right direction..

 

You have a wonderful positive outlook and that is wonderful!!

 

Time will heal! Just take all the time you need!

 

Hugs!!

[Orchid1976]

Hi, Karen. So happy to hear you are feeling good and positive, it is fundamental for healing.

 

Yes, there will ups and downs, but it is all about moving forward in life, making positive progress and try to enjoy life while going through these up and downs : )

 

Have an amazing weekend.

 

Warm wishes and hugs~

Orchid*

[Orchid1976]

Hi, dreamspirit. Yes, I am 39, approaching 40's with grace as much as I can: ) Has not been my easiest year of my life so far, I would say the hardest year so far. Oh well, I am trying to stay positive as much as I can, but it is so hard at times.

 

Thank you for warm words of encoaragment. Wishing you peace. Have a wonderful weekend.

 

 

Hugs~

Orchid*

[Martina23]

Hello Orchid, I am also near your age, I am 37 and stopped my meds 3 months ago. I got also tinnitus ca 1 month after stopping of meds. But it is now almost away. If you need support, you can write me anytime.

[Orchid1976]

Hi, Martina. Thank you for your response. Yes, tinnitus can be very annoying, but it seems like it come and goes for me.

 

Yes, that is great we are close in age. Being in our late thirties we sure went trough a lot aleady. We have many years ahead of us too enjoy our life and our children, and eventually grandkids one day.

 

Wishing you

peace and God's Blessings.

 

Hugs~ Orchid

[Martina23]

Do you also have children? I have too- quite little three years old. They are twins. I also like that someone came off the drugs in the same time like me, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by symptoms which are now very strong and it is good to know that our situation is similar. Which symptoms do you have now?

[Orchid1976]

Hi, Martina. My kids are graduated high school already. I am having some relapsing WD symptoms right now: anxiety, weakness, blurred vision, insomnia, severe tension in my neck and upper and lower back with lots of pain for about a week now.

I was doing better for about the whole month of October, now I feel like am crushing back to worst symptoms again. So hopeless. I need advise, what do I do now. I am so exhausted...

[Orchid1976]

I feel like I am loosing strength and motivation to move forward. That is how hopeless and exhausted by pain, fatigue, severe tension and anxiety I am.

I have not changed anything in my supplement intake: continue with magnesium, fish oil and ibuprofen for pain. No stressful events lately. I was getting better every day during month of October. Now I feel like I am back right where I began in June.

My fellow forum members please give me an advise, please help.

Thank you~.

Orchid

[KarenB]

HI Orchid,

 

It sounds like you've moved from a window into a wave.  It's never a nice feeling when you've got so used to things going okay.  If you're anything like me, when you're in a window you think it will be good forever.  I'm currently in a window, and I know I'm in danger of this thinking. 

 

You don't need to make any decisions or change things, just ride it out.  Keep things gentle, get back to doing things that help with anxiety etc hot bath with epsom salts, really nurture yourself through this.  One day you'll be out and back in a window...

 

Love,

KarenB 

[Orchid1976]

Hi, dearest Karen.

 

You are my guardian angel as always. Thank you for warm reassuring words. I really need them  today.

 

I had a rough morning, but it seemed as the day had progressed I got better, now having relaxing evening, watching a movie with my kids.

 

I am definitely in the wave right now for a week, I just did not want to accept the harsh reality. I started believing my symptoms where disappearing one by one, just like during severe  flu, when every day is just a

progress not a regression.

 

Wishful thinking of tired, exhausted brain of mine   

 

Oh well, I will be working my way up again, towards a beautiful. glorious window to enjoy life again. Patience, strength and faith are essential right now.

 

I am so delighted to hear about your present window, enjoy dear Karen, life is so beautiful, and people like you make life even brighter.

 

                                                         Thank you for being you.

                                                         

                                                                Love&Hugs- Orchid

[DaddyCee]

I found that I saw a good improvement between 6 - 12 months and then another at 18 months when I came off from Escitalopram.

 

Namaste.

[KarenB]

Well hello lovely Orchid,

 

Your post just made my day .  Glad you are feeling a bit more okay with where you are at - I'm sure that makes the waves more bearable.  I have a sign that my daugher painted for me which says 'There is Goodness' - and there really is, even in the middle of all this.

 

Sending love and hugs and goodness to you,

KarenB 

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