DarkSoul: Hi everyone, this is my story

[DarkSoul]

But maybe I am recovering... Just very slowly. I guess exercise and food/supplements will help speed it up. I'll keep going through this. Do you guys have any recommendations on ways to speed it up? Thanks

[SquirrellyGirl]

Hi DarkSoul, thank you for giving us an update.  I'm sorry it all still seems as bad as before, but I am glad you are hanging in there and got to your mom's where it is hopefully a more nurturing environment.  You really don't need stress from a parent at this time.

 

If you try 5-htp, try a miniscule amount to test it and make sure it doesn't cause a paradoxical reaction.  I used 5-htp while I was unknowingly in protracted withdrawal from Effexor and I can say it did not speed anything up and I still went through some bad times.  It is a controversial supplement.  Here is a link that might be worth reading before you try it:  5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan) and tryptophan 

 

It looks like you are almost three months out from your C/T so wow!  I wish there was something I could offer you to make the healing go faster, but unfortunately it takes as long as it takes.  The fish oil and magnesium are most supportive to healing.  Eating a healthy diet is essential, not a lot of junk food.  You might spend some time reading through the Symptoms:  Important topics about symptoms topic since there's lots of good material there.

 

Your system is healing, even if it doesn't feel like it yet.  One of these days you'll have your first window and then you'll know for sure, but right now your system is still ping-ponging around from the C/T.  Hang in there, and keep us posted!

 

Hugs!!!

SG

[mammaP]

Hi Jaz, lovely to hear from you but sad to see that you are still struggling. It is not surprising really if yu have been subjected to abuse and had to leave home because of it. I hope you will be safe and happier with your mom, I'm sure she will look after you.  Did you try a tiny dose of prozac? 

I agree with SG, you will get through this but need to hang in there and sit it out. Quick fixes can make things worse and it ends up taking even longer. 

 

Every day go for a walk outside and find some grass, or sand to walk barefoot on. That feeling is so beautiful and can make you feel better for a while. 

If you can find things that make even the slightest difference, you can build on that. Photo therapy is good too, find images online that are of things you love, birds, trees, kittens, star wars, anything as long as it is something that normally would make you smile. Do you post pics on instagram or facebook? Look back at the ones you posted when you were having fun and remember that time, not with sadness and longing for that time to come back, but with the happy memory, so you can walk away with a smile and know that you will get there again. Those memories of happy times are still there, you can remember them and relive them in your heart.  When you start to think about the bad memories, replace them with the good ones, it can be very very hard but it does work. 

 

 

Eventually your brain will recover from this, just as it would recover from brain trauma. My son had a brain heamorrhage  at 28 and had brain damage but in time healed completely. The brain is remarkable  is and yours  is healing all the time. 

 

I remembered something that you can show your mom, about what it's like for loved ones who are watching someone go through this. 

It is hard for her too but she loves you so much and will be as delighted as you are  with those windows that will open for you. 

 

Here it is, I have copied it for you. 

 

Quote

What you might see if your friend or family member has a severe adverse reaction when trying to stop taking SSRI/SNRI antidepressants…


1.Your loved one begins to feel sick. Physical symptoms such as flu-like aches, dizziness, nightmares, heart palpitations, headaches, brain zaps, etc. appear. Depending on the half-life of the specific drug, this can occur even within a day or two.

2.He/she might express shame and embarrassment or anger for having ever taken the drug. They might talk about feeling like “a druggie.”

3.Anxiety and confusion set in along with an inability to focus. Your loved one starts to act and look a little lost or muddled. They might worry that they’re “crazy.” They worry they’re going to hurt you by making you “go through this” with them. You can see an inability to connect thought patterns or thoughts with emotions as the abstract thinking process is compromised.

4.Their dreams become more vivid and often disturbing if they’re able to sleep at all. Insomnia can get brutal at this point.

5.Aggression, irritability, homicidal and suicidal thoughts and actions can pop out of nowhere – and you’ll be stunned. Personality and attitude changes become very apparent to you because you’ve been close with this person, but co-workers or casual friends might not see anything wrong.

6.Gaps in memory begin – very often memories that were formed while taking the SSRI or during withdrawal are the ones that seem to go. You might bring up the movie you saw with this person the day before and be told you've gone out of your mind! Emotions reappear in sudden, intense bursts and rollercoaster the person between uncontrollable crying fits and anger. You might seem them sob for hours then turn and want to rip someone’s head off. Preferably whoever prescribed the SSRI in the first place. ;-)

7.Your loved one suddenly feels the need to make big decisions, life-altering changes, keep moving - this symptom is called akathisia. The “fight or flight” mechanism has completely malfunctioned.

8.The person feels depersonalized and disconnected from him/herself or reality. You might hear he/she "feels nothing" as emotional responses are flattened. They might say they feel like they’re “floating outside” their heads. They usually still have an awareness of something wrong at this point.

9.Your loved one might eliminate input from those nearest (including you), often stressing independence and competency to an unreasonable, paranoid level. He or she now appears selfish and arrogant a lot of the time.

10.Manic and psychotic episodes can come and go at random intervals, triggered in part due to severe insomnia. Perceptions of people, timeframes and events can become skewed and completely inaccurate.

11.The person’s connection to the consequences of his or her own actions is severed. Conscience and compassion disappear. That awareness of "something wrong" may disappear, too.

12.The person vilifies and pushes away the people they care for the most, almost always including a spouse or significant other first. The person in withdrawal might start to believe they never loved their partner, shifts blame to them for events that may or may not have happened, or fails to recall positive, defining events in the relationship. Duration or quality of the relationship seems to have little bearing on this response.

13.Autistic responses kick in, meaning physical contact and affection become repugnant.

14.Your formerly calm loved one can display unusual impulsive behaviors such as promiscuity, impulsive spending, drinking – even if they never did these things before. The five senses shift into overdrive.

15.The "going back in time" phenomenon appears. The person reverts to anything "ex," grasping mentally and emotionally to people or things they were attached to prior to their first dose of the antidepressant.

16.Waves of rebound depression, anxiety, etc. hit. If a health care provider is unaware that withdrawal symptoms mimic bi-polar disorder and other mental illnesses, a new diagnosis can result in further medication, trapping the person in an endless cycle of psychotropic drugs.

17.Physical symptoms subside gradually. The person often doesn’t have a full awareness, sometimes for months or even years at this point, that many of their behaviors and decisions are a continued result of withdrawal. They believe their thoughts, memories, feelings and actions are absolutely correct, and no one can tell them otherwise.

18.People begin to experience "good days" or "good weeks" only to have a bad episode hit weeks later out of the blue. Sudden downswings in emotions have been repeatedly noted at the six- and nine-month marks following the last dose. This, too, shall pass.

19.At 1-3 years out, folks are reporting sudden intense neurological twitches and muscles spasms. Very scary, but they seem to self-correct.

20.Final Note: Every brain is chemically individual. The severity, order of symptoms and duration of withdrawal vary from person to person. Some experience a handful of symptoms. Others experience every symptom imaginable. Others experience very few or almost none. Cold turkey or abrupt withdrawal drastically increases these symptoms.

[AliG]

Hi Jaz.  It's nice to hear from you and It sounds like you're traveling along quite well . I know it probably doesn't seem that way to you just yet , but I think  you're dealing with this quite well.  I hope you are keeping up with your self- care , as this is the way to go right now , as you've decided against reinstating. I can understand this as you had a reaction of sorts , and perhaps it is ultimately wise at this point to stay away .

 

I would totally avoid the 5 HTP  as I feel this will only complicate matters particularly as you possibly have a serotonin toxicity and this could lead to serotonin syndrome. Your problem isn't a lack of serotonin.That is a myth . Please read the 5HTP link above.

I would concentrate on the " Symptoms & Self - Care " section , and at your young age you are in such a good place to educate yourself now, and therefore never have to go down this road again.

 

Try to find the joy again , even in the midst of this and hang on to it if you can. Then , when you find it don't let it go .You will heal .

[JanCarol]

Hey Soul - you've received some wise information here!

 

All I can add is that feeling no emotion, flat, is called "anhedonia" and it is a common symptom of withdrawal.

 

I guess you chose not to reinstate.  I'll echo Ali and Squirrelly and Mamma, that I think 5HtP is dangerous for you at this time.  Think of it as the same kind of animal as Prozac.  If you chose not to reinstate Prozac, why are you looking to find another animal just like it?

 

So

1.  Did you reinstate or not?

2.  Did you discontinue any of the supplements we talked about and

3.  YES!  It does sound like you are healing.

 

Be patient and kind to yourself.  Parts of your brain are shut down for repairs.  It doesn't do any good to break the "road closed sign" down, trying to get through - just wait, and your neurons will let you through when they are ready.

[DarkSoul]

Ok sounds good guys. I haven't taken the 5htp yet, but I do remember trying it a month ago and it made me feel honestly a little better. I woke up feeling groggy but that was it. My mom said to stop incase something bad happens because we heard about how it could be dangerous. Anyways, I'll skip taking it if that's what you guys feel is for the best. I've heard exercise has a load of great benefits, such as building new neurons, increasing seratonin, and many more. So if my body lets me, I think doing exercise can speed recovery up immensely. I'm sure lots of exercise, organic food, and supportive supplements can reforge my brain, body, and soul in ways that can heal any damage ever done and I'll see the world in the positive and beautiful ways like I saw it before.

[SquirrellyGirl]

I would say that if you are in the mind to start exercising, that is a very good sign!  5-htp is certainly dangerous if you are taking serotonergic drugs.  I agree with JC - you want your nervous system to up-regulate its serotonergic system, which has been dampened down due to the meds,  and it won't do that as readily if you are supplementing serotonin.

 

I think exercise is a great option, with the caveat that you must not go great guns weekend warrior on us and be too vigorous - walking is good to start with, very beneficial. Meditation is also proven to be brain-boosting.  If you haven't tried it, just google mindfulness meditation and you'll find scads of videos and such leading you through.  I like Tarabrach.com for her guided meditations.

 

I like that you are thinking about ways to support healing, a very good sign indeed, Soul!

 

SG

[JanCarol]

Good thought, Squirrelly about the exercise.

 

Many folks in protracted withdrawal find that lifting heavy weights, running long distances, or intense aerobic exercises (usually those serotonin stimulating ones) can trigger symptoms.

 

Stimulating serotonin is not the best idea during healing, because those baby neurons (neurogenesis) can be quite sensitive!  Let your brain heal at its own pace.  Please, keep moving, and be as active as comfortable - you may find, as you are young, that you can do quite a lot of exercise without getting overstimulated.  Just pay attention, use that Soul Insight into your body for symptoms.

 

I agree with SG, it's awesome that you are looking for "what makes you better."  Forgive us for cautioning about "what has made others worse," they are just to let you know.  Thinking about it statistically, if they made someone worse, you still might be in the % of people that it helps.  So follow your own body, your own brain, and your own pleasure.

[jeancine]

I feel you, that emotionless feeling is called anhedonia.

I've suffering it 4 months by now. We can beat this and back to our old self again. But it will take a very long time, just hang in there. )

[JanCarol]

Oh yes, thanks jeancine for reminding me I meant to present a link.  Many others (including myself) have felt this (or not felt it, as the case may be):

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2873-anhedonia-apathy-demotivation/

[Altostrata]

Psychiatrists call it anhedonia; we call it emotional anesthesia because so often it is a side effect of psychiatric drugs and can persist after you stop.

 

Jaz, how are you doing today? Were you taking 5-HTP to sleep? How much were you taking? How is your sleep?

[DarkSoul]

Ya I'm sure in time, we all can beat the pains we have to go through. Jeancine, we all will get back to our old selves, I'm sure of it.

Hey alto, I've definitely seen some improvements since I first started all this. It doesn't feel at all like my old mind or body but I'm sure my old self is still in there. Also, since they recommended that I shouldn't take the 5htp I haven't taken it yet. My sleep was thankfully never that bad(I just had very light sleep) and it's gotten much better. Basically all the issues have gotten better except my emotions, mind, and nervous system. I'm certain I will recover, but it fells like I'm looking through a glass window of who and what I used to be, I'll continue my journey through this hell that will certainly change my outlooks on the world. Good luck to everyone who needs it

[Altostrata]

Thanks, DarkSoul, good to hear. When we say recovery is very gradual and takes time, we mean s....l....o....w...........

 

Be patient, you're going to be fine.

[DarkSoul]

It's been 1 whole year since I visited this site last. Does anyone remember me? Haha I kinda miss some of you guys. I'm very sorry to say... Not a whole lot has changed. Mostly because I haven't done a lot to change it. Luckily the pain from the insane withdrawals has stopped!!! That's a huge accomplishment really... I just still lack the beautiful and intense emotional clarity I once had. 1% what it used to be at that. Anyways, sad stuff aside life is slowly getting better. Progress is slowly yet surely being made! We all can relate to the suffering that antidepressants can cause and that's what makes this forum one big (very injured) and helpful family of sorts. 

 

Also for anyone seeking advice remember, exercise in many different ways to speed healing, meditate and relax your mind as lots of healing takes place when your relaxed, eat healthy organic food and drinks, spend time with your friends and family (if they are healthy to be around), And remember to focus on love rather than fear. Hope doing any of these helps you. 

 

I adore so many of you... It's just that being back on this site reminds me of the most painful experience I've ever been through. I'll be here then and now just not all the time. I'm sure you understand. For now I send you good vibes and love. Soul. 

 

[LexAnger]

So good to hear you Soul!

i remember you well 

 

im so happy the pain is all gone for you and you are seeing improvement! I'm sure you will get your emotion back in full as more healing is taking place!

 

best wishes and big hugs!

lex

[Shep]

10 hours ago, DarkSoul said:

Also for anyone seeking advice remember, exercise in many different ways to speed healing, meditate and relax your mind as lots of healing takes place when your relaxed, eat healthy organic food and drinks, spend time with your friends and family (if they are healthy to be around), And remember to focus on love rather than fear. Hope doing any of these helps you. 

 

Hi, DarkSoul. Yes, I do remember you. Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. Progress can definitely be slow, but the ideas you list here are wonderful ways of coping and healing. I'm glad you are feeling better and I know this progress will continue for you. 

 

"Focus on love rather than fear" - this is beautiful, DS. There's no doubt you will come out of this an inspiration. Please continue to check in from time to time and let us know how you're doing. 

[apace41]

DarkSoul,

 

I think most of us who were here and active will remember you.  We rarely see such young people who are speaking for themselves and doing so in such an eloquent and introspective way.  Your story moved many of us.

 

It is good to hear that you are past the physical pain.  The emotional pain will also subside with the passage of time.

 

Please keep us updated as we expect a success story from you in the not-too-distant future.

 

Best,

 

Andy