Fefesmom

[fefesmom]

Hi again. I just posted in Symptoms... about abandonment depression. Thanks for the idea/suggestion.

[Altostrata]

Feel free to start topics in other sections about whatever interests you.

[fefesmom]

I am feeling desperate. I have been off Effexor XR for six months. I went off cold turkey. I know that was bad to do but it is done.

Now I am as depressed as I was before I went on ADs 17 years ago (started Effexor about 13 years ago.) Believing I am worthless, stupid, wasted my life etc. etc etc.

So I am getting convinced I need the AD although I was often depressed even when on them and although I stopped bingeing on chocolate for about 3 months after I went cold turkey, the binge urge has come back w/a vengeance. I also binged on the Effexor.

I feel like giving up and need some support/advice from you all. Any help will be appreciated.

I hope some day I can be of help to others on this site, but not now, not yet.

[meistersinger]

Hi. As usual, not sure this is the right place to write but here goes. Well, I seem to have gotten over the holiday downturn. Now I find I am dealing with the very symptom that got the MD to put me on ad after my mother died in 1995. I feel so alone. I cry a lot but always about some movie or book or music. Yes, the ad numbed me out so I didn't feel so alone but obviously that feeling is still here. I have worked on my own and in a 8 week class on Jon Kabat Zinn's Mindful Way Through Depression and find it very helpful. BUT this alone feeling is so awful. Do I just go through it? When I do I seem to survive and come out okay. Any responses will be appreciated. If you need more information let me know. Thanks again for being there.

 

Is it me, or are the GPs that prescribe ADs more MD's than DO (Osteopathic Doctors). All The GPs that prescibed to me are MD's. I don't ever recall a DO writing me script for ADs.

[fefesmom]

An MD, psychiatrist, prescribed the ad for me. I was urged to get medication by a licensed social worker.

[spectio]

Hi,fefesmom, I was so glad to near from you. Was really wondering how you are doing. I'm sorry these are tough days. There sure are a lot of them! All I can tell you is that I've read a nu mber of comments from people five or six months after withdrawal having some real issues with returning depression. I've also had really tough days lately, after seven months off, where I feel just done with it all. The days are still awful with similar symptoms every day.

 

I'm grateful for pretty good sleep, a good appetite, the ability to take of myself and my animals, doing what I can to take care of myself. It's not easy, Fefesmom. I'm pretty sure the depression I'm having now is due to being chronically sick for three going on four years. How would anybody not be sick?

 

So, be gentle on yourself. I hope you don't go back to the ad's. I also know how old it gets feeling bad everyday! Would a therapist help? Were you better when you were with your sister? Im sure it's doubly hard going through this alone. I couldn't imagine doing that by myself. I admire your strength! Please keep In close touch! We've got to keep throwing those life savers out to each other as often as is necessary.

 

How are your other symptoms besides the depression?

[fefesmom]

Hi Spectio.

Thanks for your post and encouragement. In hindsight, the depression doesn't last all day and some days are pretty okay. I assume that the depression comes back because the medication doesn't stop it, doesn't end it, so of course it will come back. I guess some people are lucky not to have the depression return after wd.

I do see a therapist intermittently and have signed up for an 8 week class of Mindful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Depression, started by Joh Kabat-Zinn. I took it about three years when I was still on ads; it was helpful. Now I realize it is something I'll have to use for the rest of my life; this depressive part of me will never disappear so I am approaching it from that standpoint rather than as a "cure" which I think I did last time.

Fortunately my sleep, appetite, energy all seem fine. I am walking or pedaling (floor pedaler) every day, take a flexibility/strengthening class, a current events class and a short story class. I am getting back in touch with a couple of friends lost along the way and building friendships I already have.

All this sound like a lot but it seems to be okay for me now. I do have to remind myself to go easy, be gentle.

I don't know how I will know I am "better" in terms of depression; I think it has to do with being able to deal with depression when it arises, before it gets huge. Something like that.

I have put moving to Florida on the back burner; I may go there for three months next visit to get more of an idea what living there might be like. I really liked having company every day when I was w/my sister and that gets more appealing as I age.

[Barbarannamated]

Fefe ~

I admire you TREMENDOUSLY for all you are doing daily as I am STUCK and rarely leave the house - the mornings are horrible for me and last until noon at the earliest -

I drove around the country during earlier withdrawal and it kept me moving - I had no plan or agenda or reason to be anywhere but kept driving (alone) -

A friend suggested I document my journey - I'd have to entitle it 'Check Out Time' because that is what got me out every day -

Bizarre I know -

[Altostrata]

Kabat-Zinn's Mindful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Depression has an excellent reputation.

 

Fefes, you say the low mood doesn't last all day. Isn't that meaningful? Even if it's your original "depression," it comes and goes. I'm sure you'll find the therapy techniques helpful.

 

Has it decreased at all over the last few months? If so, that's an indication it's a withdrawal symptom, not your original "depression."

 

If you are back to normal, could it be you have a naturally dour disposition? Perhaps doing things that you find more satisfying would lighten it -- such as spending more time with your sister.

 

And if you are back to normal, that's something to celebrate!

[Rhiannon]

"One thing the medicalization of emotion has done to some people is make them afraid of their feelings. They're your feelings, they're not a disease. You can manage them."

 

Oh, very nice, Alto! Interesting. I've noticed this in myself as my emotions are returning as I come off of the meds after 20 years of being polydrugged. Those intense feelings can be scary at first.

 

And before I went on meds I used to be active in therapy and peer counseling and actually very good at handling and processing and discharging emotions.

 

I always tell my daughters "Feelings are for feeling. That's what they are. You just have to feel them." Somehow it's easier to give advice than take it...

 

I remember when Gianna's dog went blind and she talked about her intense grief about that for a while...it wasn't long after she got off all meds and it was the first time she'd felt that kind of intense emotion for a while. Then, after grieving, it went away, and she said she had forgotten about that, too--how when you actually FEEL those intense feelings, in a normal state (not medicated), they process through and go away.

 

Excellent and helpful insight, Alto! this will be helpful to me and it's good to hear others have experienced the same thing.

[fefesmom]

Dour- stern, severe, harsh, gloomy. Of all the comments this is the one I focus on. I must be dour- whaddya think?

[spectio]

Good morning, fm: from your posts, I really don't think of you as dour. You just sound a little fed up with this wd issue. Who wouldn't be? I'm really impressed with the strides you're making. Taking classes, reacquainting with friends, exercising, I am absolutely jealous! That just sounds like tremendous progress! I know this depression is a deal breaker at times but you don't have it all the time, right? If possible, go for a walk before the time it shows up, the morning? I hear from my daughter the weather is getting wonderful in southern California. She says everything is in bloom. Just makes me want to to down there, if it wasn't for the dizziness, headaches, nausea, and depression. Anyway I think you're doing great!!! Try to focus on all these positive things in your life , knowing the depression is just part of the process of getting off the ad's. I know, easier said than done! Hang in there!!!

[Barbarannamated]

Dour- stern, severe, harsh, gloomy. Of all the comments this is the one I focus on. I must be dour- whaddya think?

 

Fefe,

I think I used 'zen' to describe you previously. Add that to all Spectio said.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[Skyler]

Dour- stern, severe, harsh, gloomy. Of all the comments this is the one I focus on. I must be dour- whaddya think?

 

Hi Fefe.. If you are dour at times, give yourself a hug and move on. It's what we do with what we feel that is important. Anyone who responds with other than empathy and compassion is showing their own baggage. Bonza for doing everything you can, you are a role model.

 

Schuyler

[fefesmom]

Hi Spectio, Schuyler, Barb et al. Many thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes, I guess I do feel dour sometimes and will just them go - there is more to me than that. Your comments help me see that I am doing better and even okay! And it is gorgeous here is SoCal - "cooling" down to the hgh 60s and due to go back to the 70s over the w/e. My birthday is Saturday and I have several get togethers this week, which I consider my b'day week. Happy Passover/Easter or whatever you celebrate at this time of year. Spring itself?

[Barbarannamated]

You GO GIRLFRIEND

I applaud you - standing ovation - if somebody just looks at me the wrong way right now it eats at me for days - until the next person looks at me the wrong way -

[Nadia]

Happy Spring!... yes! Wishing you and everyone on here some renewal and rebirth.

[Barbarannamated]

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

[fefesmom]

Hi Barb. Many thanks for your good wishes. Here's hoping for a nice day and a good year - for all of us too.

[Karma]

 

Love and light

Karma

[Nikki]

"One thing the medicalization of emotion has done to some people is make them afraid of their feelings. They're your feelings, they're not a disease. You can manage them."

 

Excellent and helpful insight, Alto! this will be helpful to me and it's good to hear others have experienced the same thing.

 

I couldn't agree more...glad I read this post. The anxiety/depression brought on by the WD process has wounded me very much.....I have become terrified of them. I look & listen to other people who have panic attacks or say they are in an anxious state, and even a friend of mine said she has been battling depression ~ and ~ I think to myself how lucky they are not to be such a basket-case like me. They don't havethat gut-wretching fear. They don't seem to be held hostage by their emotions or the ensuing anxiety/depression that feelings/thoughts can trigger.

 

Hugs

[fefesmom]

Karma: really enjoyed your birthday post. Thanks for your wishes.

[Karma]

Karma: really enjoyed your birthday post. Thanks for your wishes.

 

Glad I could make you smile

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

HI Fefesmom,

I can't find your recent post about a friend's less-than-supportive comment; this post by GiannaKali (GiaK here) reminded me of that interaction.

 

http://beyondmeds.com/2012/04/15/hate-despair-depressiveness/

 

Gia, I hope it's OK to link to this.

 

I hope you are doing well.

 

B

[Skyler]

HI Fefesmom,

I can't find your recent post about a friend's less-than-supportive comment; this post by GiannaKali (GiaK here) reminded me of that interaction.

 

http://beyondmeds.com/2012/04/15/hate-despair-depressiveness/

 

Gia, I hope it's OK to link to this.

 

I hope you are doing well.

 

B

 

Great web page.. glad you put in the link.

 

Schuyler

[fefesmom]

How do I go back on a small dose of effexor xr? I have been off, CT, for six months, and feel worse than ever in terms of mood. Is it too late to go back on a small dose of effexor xr? I have a whole stash of beaded tablets. I am so down on myself, bad thinking etc. I went to the first MBCT class last night and felt worse. All of the people are younger; many seem to be in relationship, have kids and even though they talk about their depression interfering with their lives I see myself as worst of all. This is nothing new to me, just more so. I am tempted to contact the leader and tell him my tale of woe. How can all this CBT, MBCT, etc. help when in fact I am a loser, divorced, no kids, few friends, close to no one, little family. I still think I am an ok person anyhow. HELP. Any suggestions appreciated. I am seriously considering returning to ads even though, on general (stupid?) principle, I don't want to.

[fefesmom]

Hi again.

I never know where/when I'll find inspiration.

I was just cleaning the bathroom mirror and thought of this quote/story I have heard a lot.

A short while before his death, Rabbi Zusya said: in the world to come I shall not be asked: why were you not David, or Solomon, or Moses. I shall be asked: why were you not Zusya.

This is so right for me to hear now. Maybe others can benefit too. Plus the mirror is really shiny now.

[fefesmom]

Was talking with a friend earlier today and she sent me this quote: maybe others can relate to it. I know I'm going to tape it to my eyelids: "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reels" Don't know who said it. Sure rings true for me.

[spectio]

Good morning, fm! I don't know what to tell you about going back on the ad. I'll let Alto chime in for that. I loved your story about he mirror. I bet that's a recurrent theme in all us " emotional" folk. I'm not going to say the d word. I think a lot of us here on this forum started out on this life's journey just really sensitive, caring, "wanting to satisfy everyone" kind of people. It was just not a sustainable thing. And when our brains and body shut down it was because it was just ENOUGH! It didn't make us losers or bad people. We were just exhausted!

 

Every one has their own story and this may be way too cut and dried an explanation. I suspect there are elements of this scenario in all us emotionally challenged people. From what I can see reading people's stories here, most of us were/ are hard working, loving , honorable people and life just got to be "too much". We've all had our successes and failures but isn't that what makes us human.

 

We must forgive ourselves for all of our shortcomings and failures. We are not machines. Flesh and blood is susceptible to plenty of errors and hurts. When I hear you ride yourself for being a loser, I know it's not you! It's that albatross of depression flapping away in your face. It won't be there forever. Find some distraction and go about your day. Do you have a friend who would go to a movie with you.

 

Okay, enough for the ranting! Hope this day is better for you! Give Fefe my love!

[Barbarannamated]

Excellent post, Spectio! I would go a step farther and say that while being emotional or sensitive is very challenging, I prefer not to view it as a liability. I love reading Nietzsche and other writers/philosophers who embraced their emotionality, including the lows. That's where most of the best work originates.

Love the highlights reel quote, FM! Ohsotrue!!

 

This is a great site for those of us who don't fit the mold:

http://talentdevelop.com/category/giftedtalented/

[fefesmom]

Spectio.

Many thanks and cyberhugs for your post. I feel a lot better.

Spoke w/my therapist yesterday too. I am not going back on ads at this time and if I ever do it will NOT be effexor xr. She agreed it is murderous getting off it.

I am finally beginning to accept that the "tools" I learn on this site, in MBCT, in therapy are things I will have to use for the rest of my life and that I will not just "feel better" one day.

Fortunately I am a good learner and once I accept that I have to use these tools over and over again I will be much better off.

One thing from the MBCT class the other night - reading in Jon Kabat-Zinn book- something to the effect that the event/situation doesn't present the problems for us; the thoughts we have about the event present the problems. I knew this but somehow it is so much clearer now. I have to remember this a million times a day and that is okay. I have thought/hoped I'd get "fixed" some day. Now I realize fixing is only for broken things and we are not broken, maybe bent, not broken.

Enough for now. Thank you, thank you.

[Altostrata]

What are your symptoms now, Fefes?

[fefesmom]

Hi Alto.

I don't have any physical symptoms.

My main symptoms are negative thoughts about myself in comparison to other people. Feeling alone. Irritation at drivers who cut me off. Despair.

HOWEVER, these are intermittent and I get over them more quickly, now that I think about it, than I did pre-ad use.

These are symptoms I had after my mother died when I was "put on" ads about 10 months later because I was crying a lot.

They are very unpleasant while they last and seem like they won't pass, but they do pass.

Thanks. FM

[Altostrata]

I think, then, your therapist is on the right track!

[fefesmom]

Many thanks, much appreciation Alto, as always. FM

[Karma]

Many thanks, much appreciation Alto, as always. FM

 

I'm an idiot ... I just figured out that FM is FefesMom ...

 

Hang in there Fefesmom - it sounds like you have a good therapist helping you.

 

Karma