Jeremy1069: SSRIs

[jeremy1069]

Admin note: link to benzo forum thread - jeremy1069: Need some serious advice

 

Scared to post here honestly but I need answers.

 

Wound up with OCD when I was 20. Went on Prozac for that. My 21-22 seems like a grey area (one of few that I can’t remember) because my doctor had me on sedating anti-psychotics.

 

Finally had it under control with Zoloft. Things were OK. Turn 30,  Zoloft stops working.

 

Since last year (2017) the doctor tried me on Paxil, Celexa, Luvox and Buspirone. Stuck with Luvox. 200MG.

 

The side effects (the physical ones) were awful and it was not working. I wanted to stop SSRIs for good. From Luvox it was brain zaps, face flushing, crying for no reason, agitaion (usually annoyed easily), anxiety, a foggy feeling. Everything just seems bad. 

 

After a fierce argument with a doctor in a psychiatric hospital of things like “No more antipsychotics. They made it worse.” “How do you know?” I agreed to 25mg of Luvox to stay stable and get out of that hole. Most of the physical withdrawal stopped with the 25mg almost immediately when I started back on it. Go figure. 

 

My problem now seems to be a hybrid of bad depression and anxiety combined with the original condition (OCD) I feel like I’m in a fog, I break down for no reason, lots and lots of “what if” anxiety and all that. 

 

I’m not suicidal at all thankfully. But what I’m dealing with is so excessive that it makes every single day a struggle to function. My family is annoyed with me because I never have anything positive to say. I’ve had a couple of good days within the last week but they didn’t last. 

 

My questions.

Is this going to stop?

Is this normal?

Could I still be dealing with longterm withdrawal from something other than Luvox?

Is there anything I can do to ease this?

 

Not one psychiatric doctor I’ve come across in the last couple months even seems to believe what I’m dealing with is caused by the medication. But their job is clearly to keep me on it, not off. 

 

Side note, here is every physical side effect I had from each. They each were unique:

 

Zoloft - Diarrhea

Paxil - Painful clumps in urine

Celexa - Agitation

Buspirone - Sedation

Luvox - Pimples, dark spots on skin, racing heart

 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Shep
added link to benzo forum thread

[SkyBlue]

Hi Jeremy and welcome to SA. 

 

You've certainly been through the wringer, having been prescribed so many potent psych drugs in the last year alone, to say nothing of what you went through before that. You are correct that doctors' plans are usually to keep us on the meds, not help us get off safely. 

 

The good news is: you can heal.

 

It is normal to be suffering the kind of withdrawal that you are. 

It will heal. 

There are definitely things you can do to ease this. There is lots of information on this site for easing symptoms and calming a nervous system that has been sensitized by exposure to and withdrawal from psych drugs.

As an intro, here is some information on withdrawal syndrome: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/603-what-is-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

 

Are you still taking the Luvox. 25 mg? 

To help us out, please create a drug signature using these instructionshttps://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/18343-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/ Please organize the information chronologically, so it is easiest to read.

 

 

We recommend keeping daily notes on paper of your dosage and symptom pattern. 

 

Welcome to SA.

[SkyBlue]

7 hours ago, jeremy1069 said:

Is there anything I can do to ease this?

 

The site is full of ideas, but a good place to start is thinking about magesium: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/ 

and beginning (or continuing) to use non-drug coping skills--many ideas here: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/

 

 

It's also a good sign you had some good days last week. 

[jeremy1069]

Thank you. Yes I am still on the 25mg Luvox. Doing this for my family mostly. 

 

I have been reading thru a lot of these essays. They are very useful in explaining this. 

 

 

[SkyBlue]

You're very welcome. Please keep letting us know how you're doing.

[jeremy1069]

I'll update here. This has been a really hard week. Still on 25mg as I have been since last month. I've had a routine all week

 

Sleep (My mattress is bad, its only a year old but it sinks. The inside of it is really cheap. I've found this with most modern mattresses. I'd dump another $300 and replace it just to sleep better, I actually want to, but unfortunately the OCD will not let me replace it. I associate that with specific years. Been sleeping on average 8AM-4PM.  Not very refreshing sleep. I've always had issues with struggling with sleep and bad beds, so this is not new. However, almost everyday lately however I've been waking up with the anxiety and dread.

 

I've been spending most afternoons either complaining or trying so hard not to complain with family. They do not want to hear it anymore. I can't blame them. 

 

Overnights is when I'm alone and have been getting things done. In a fog. My brain feels like it's being squeezed. My most positive hours have been between 4AM and 7AM. I start listening to music or something and I get a burst of energy and a sudden enhancement of mood.

 

My psychiatrist has been in trouble with the DEA in recent years, so he is being extremely careful with my other medication, Lorazepam which I need to take or I'll end up with more problems. With his paranoia, he started urine testing everybody in addition to cutting people down on almost everything. I've been putting it off for various reasons (Occasional social use of herb, and the fact that I had 3 or 4 lab tests last month), but the big one is insurance. It otherwise would have set me back at least $100 if I didn't wait until this month. 

 

Yesterday morning I felt good enough to get out, go to the hospital and get the lab test done. 6AM, out the door, went over there, asked without any shame for the lab, and just went and had it taken care of. Things seemed well. I was in a better mood than most people I came in contact with. 

 

Got home, and it was back to the struggle to sleep. I went to sleep by 9AM, woke up around 4 feeling very anxious and very worn out, as if I had not slept at all. Back to the same old. 

 

It's the moments like yesterday morning that I want more of and that I hope that I can somehow achieve. I know what's wrong and I know it will take time. But these moments have been reminders that something very specific is wrong, and the OCD is no better or worse without this medication (Or on a very low dose)

 

Luvox is also very hard to cut in half. The 50mg tablets that I've been using often cut smaller or bigger. Been using the smaller dose. Any higher and I get pimples and other scars on my skin (I rarely if ever got pimples when I was a teenager, much less being 31) They show right up almost immediately after I take the pill.    

[SkyBlue]

8 hours ago, jeremy1069 said:

My psychiatrist has been in trouble with the DEA in recent years, so he is being extremely careful with my other medication, Lorazepam which I need to take or I'll end up with more problems.

 

Hi Jeremy,

Thanks for the update. 

 

That's unfortunate regarding the benzo. You are correct that stopping it abruptly will cause more problems.   (Why they don't use the same caution in prescribing it in the first place, I don't know.) 

 

I ran into a similar situation with refill problems and encourage you to plan ahead in order to make sure you get what you need. Maybe you could have a back-up provider? In a large city like Chicago, it's possible that someone on this site's Recommended Doctors list would be able to help you.

 

 (It will also be possible to taper this safely when you are ready, but it's important that that's on your own terms.)

 

8 hours ago, jeremy1069 said:

Luvox is also very hard to cut in half. The 50mg tablets that I've been using often cut smaller or bigger. Been using the smaller dose.

 

Here is a thread on tapering Luvox, including info on how to make a liquid solution: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/5095-tips-for-tapering-off-luvox-fluvoxamine/

 

[jeremy1069]

The Lorazepam was how this all started. I was 20, in a bad state. A family member gave me some bottles from a mail order she got from someone else. Since I had them when I was a kid to combat anxiety, she figured it was not a big deal.

 

My mind was so bad at the time I didn't think anything other than to take a whole bunch of them. Just wanted the OCD (Which I didn't really fully grasp as to what it was) to stop. I could get more, so I just took them. When they finally ran out, I had no idea what withdrawal was. It was just one day in late July 2007, trouble sleeping, some zaps and twitching, I didn't think much of it. Then I decided to walk home from the library that afternoon. I was found on the sidewalk having a seizure. Half awake in the hospital, they told me the cause and had me hooked up with my then former psychiatrist (Who has since been my current) He immediately set me up with Prozac and Lorazepam and I became his patient and got an official diagnosis. 

 

After the DEA got him for over prescribing all kinds of different medications,  he cut my dose down (Along with everybody else). 

 

In early 2011, I wanted to stop them and I succeeded. Was back to normal after about 2 or 3 months. But symptoms such as agitation, severe panic attacks led me back to it. I wanted to resist, but I had a left over bottle and just took 1 pill and I was back to it. 

 

I really didn't know how terrible SSRI withdrawal was until I stopped Zoloft last fall and the symptoms started coming in. 

[jeremy1069]

Got in with my doctor. He finally admitted that these withdrawal symptoms exist after I told him what had been happening with hospitalization. Medication levels will stay the same. 

 

Got some paperwork, made some phone calls and got an appointment for some non-medication therapy on Tuesday. That’s not going to help the withdrawl but it’s a start. I have to see it as such. I need to be able to at least talk to someone who will listen. 

 

I’m at a health low. I found out I have a ruptured eardrum and that I have a wisdom tooth dangerously close to a nerve that will require surgery. - More un-needed worry

 

Sunday, my mattress gave out and I freaked out.  I had to buy an even more cheap one that is so that I could get by. It’s so stressful getting to sleep, the thought of even laying on this thing drives me to uncontrollable tears. I’m getting another one tomorrow. Lost money. - More un-needed worry.

 

I’m finding that certain random things are setting me off. Today it was frustration (People, noise, things not working correctly) I kept storming outside trying to get away from it. Taking long walks. It’s the best thing I can do right now. 

 

As for the rest, it’s mostly been small things setting me off into tears. These can ruin what might have been an OK afternoon.

 

Yesterday it was reading an article about a pharmacutical exec jacking up the price of an antibiotic just because. I began to break down in uncontrollable tears, not understanding why someone could be so cruel. Other times it’s just seeing people who are younger than me, laughing, having their entire lives ahead of them. Gets me emotional. Or if I just see something random. So much of it is so petty. I never really let it get to me before. 

 

I think I’m just more tired. I need real sleep. I’m not getting it lately. It’s a hybrid of existing unrelated problems and the medication. I’m paying extra attention to this. I’ve noticed when I sleep OK, I have better days. When I don’t, all of the symptoms drag me down. 

 

I really want to get better. I’ve been making more of an effort than ever, from making the phone calls to reading the posts here, eating healthier, trying to walk more, all of that. Right now all of that seems useless but this could literaly change within hours the way things have been going with the ups and downs.

[jeremy1069]

I’m having some recent issues regarding my skin, my bones and my hearing. I’m wondering if anybody has had any of these.

 

Note: Within the past two weeks I cut down farther than 25MG. I’m probably at about 15MG or leas now. So far I have not seen much difference from this in specific. Less of the medication’s side effects if anything.

 

Problems:

 

Ear: Trouble hearing from my right ear. This is an ongoing issue and has been for months. Feel like there is something clogged in the ear. I went to an audiologist and ENT and had extensive testing. They could not find anything unusual. That alone is frustrating. Could this be the withdrawal?

 

Skin: My skin lately (Past couple months) has been very sensitive. Breaking out in random rashes particularly around my elbows (opposite side of the elbows) and  armpits (The skin surrounding)

 

When I get into a state of anxiety or fear, certain parts of my skin feel like there is a bunch of sharp nails or pins poking inside. I then feel a “flushing” and a rash shows up. This is very unusual. Showering (Which was something I was using to cope) now makes my skin burn in ways I never had, even a month ago.

 

Bones: My bones look and feel weaker. 

 

Insomnia, severe trouble falling asleep. This one is obvious. It’s the biggest problem I have been struggling with in these last few months.

[Songbird]

4 hours ago, jeremy1069 said:

INote: Within the past two weeks I cut down farther than 25MG. I’m probably at about 15MG or leas now.

 

 

Please update your signature with your recent changes.

[jeremy1069]

59 minutes ago, Songbird said:

 

Please update your signature with your recent changes.

 

Slipped my mind. Done

[ChessieCat]

One of the other members has issues with showering during a wave.  It causes rage and extreme overstimulation/agitation.

 

They are now using olive oil soap, not using very hot water (even using cold water), and not showering (they haven't done that, but on really bad days they take a quick shower and not wash their hair). 

 

Sleep problems - that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

Non-drug techniques to cope

Non-drug techniques for dealing with physical pain

[jeremy1069]

Have some updates:

 

About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I stopped the Luvox completely. So far I have not noticed any severe new symptoms after tapering fron less than 10MG.

 

I still have OCD. I still feel anxious posting here. That will not go away.

 

The last week or so, a lot of the ongoing problems are the same. My insomnia was better for awhile but it’s coming back. My skin issues seemed to ease a little in the last couple days but they are there. Some agitation and breakdowns, but not as severe as when I went from 200 to 0 and back to 25.

 

One thing that irritated me is doctors that are not psychiatrists trying to push Zoloft. I spoke with a friend who has a physical health condition (no mental illness) and they said he was “depressed” and gave him Zoloft. I feel terrible about that.

 

I went to my Primary Care doctor about my ear earier this month. She finally found a problem “There’s fluid in your ear.” and then it went to “I’m going to prescribe you Zoloft” (She’s not a psychiatrist) and I said “No, I was on that and got off.” “Well you NEED to be on something.” and went down a list of SSRIs and asked me “Which one do you like?” I said “None” and that was the end of that appointment. Didn’t think I’d hear this from a PCP.

 

Been a very dark last several months. I hope I can find my way out of this once and for all. 

[Altostrata]

How did you go off 10mg Luvox?

 

Did your PCP conclude you needed an antidepressant because of your history or something else?

[jeremy1069]

I was down to 10 or lower from 25. I forgot to take it a couple times, didn’t notice anything, and I decided the dose was already so small, and stopped completely. From past experience of stopping from higher doses, I felt now was the time to stop all together. It just felt like the right time.

 

I’ve had some days where I have not felt as good as I am now in quite some time. It’s usually an ugly morning, and at night I feel fine. I’m hoping I can continue in this direction. 

[jeremy1069]

Obviously I’ve been off the SSRI’s for awhile now but I have no choice but to be on Lorazepam, probably the rest of my life because of what happens when I don’t take it (Dangerous seizures in specific as a withdrawal symptom and mood swings)

 

A major problem happened with the pharmacy and their supplier this month. They’re out of Lorazepam (or so they told me) and I was switched to the 1MG pills (Which they didn’t admit to having) So I’m basically taking enough of those to equal my daily dose (6MG a day). They’re a different generic and they are not working correctly. 

 

This is scaring me because now I’m starting to have the mood swings. Nobody around me cares about why or how these happen (I just get screamed at, accused of being a horrible person, threatened with eviction, etc ) Usually I just get upset and raise my voice. But it seems directly related to the the abrupt switch from one form and or generic of Lorazepam to another. 

 

Ontop of this,  Lately, I’ve been having either cravings or situations where I feel like I should go take the SSRIs again. I’m not taking them. I don’t have them. I don’t want to take them. I’m trying to recover. I’m also having doctors (Not psychiatrists but regular doctors) trying to push me to go onto an SSRI when I go in for a completely unrelated reason.

 

Zoloft seems to be the one they are pushing right now. My sister and a friend had doctors (Non psychiatrists) push Zoloft at them. I have to explain “I was on that for 10 years, no more.” 

 

What’s happening here? I improving within the last month. Is it the Lorazepam or does this longterm SSRI withdrawl come and go?

 

I don’t “need” to be “on something” per every doctor I see psychiatrist or other. I was first given SSRIs for OCD. Nothing else was wrong with me in 2007. It was all OCD. I stopped SSRIs because it’s not helping the OCD anymore. The OCD is no different on the SSRIs than it is off of them. That’s one thing I am sick of hearing. 

[Altostrata]

How long have you been taking lorezapam? Why are you taking it?

 

What times of day do you take lorazepam and at what dosages? Attention @Shep

 

Depression is a common side effect of regularly taken benzos.

 

The entire world thinks antidepressants are good for what ails you. Up to you to make your own decision. No one can force you to take a drug.

[Shep]

10 hours ago, jeremy1069 said:

A major problem happened with the pharmacy and their supplier this month. They’re out of Lorazepam (or so they told me) and I was switched to the 1MG pills (Which they didn’t admit to having) So I’m basically taking enough of those to equal my daily dose (6MG a day). They’re a different generic and they are not working correctly. 

 

Please update your signature to reflect your Lorazepam use. Please include the date you started and the dose. Here is a direct link: 

 

Account - Settings - Create or Edit Your Signature

 

What time(s) of day are you taking lorazepam? 

 

[jeremy1069]

Signature updated, apologies for forgetting.

 

I’ve been on Lorazepam since the initial problem (OCD) began in 2007. I had just turned 20.  Prior to that I was also on it as a child, cannot remember when.

 

When I stopped taking Lorazepam, I had 2 seizures (Both in 2007) I successfully got off of it in 2011 but I had a serious anxiety attack, and went right back on it. Doctor cut my dose from 8MG a day to 6MG a day  when the DEA began investigating him a few years ago.

 

 

[Shep]

 

On 9/7/2018 at 10:46 PM, jeremy1069 said:

When they finally ran out, I had no idea what withdrawal was. It was just one day in late July 2007, trouble sleeping, some zaps and twitching, I didn't think much of it. Then I decided to walk home from the library that afternoon. I was found on the sidewalk having a seizure.

 

On 2/27/2019 at 7:58 PM, jeremy1069 said:

Obviously I’ve been off the SSRI’s for awhile now but I have no choice but to be on Lorazepam, probably the rest of my life because of what happens when I don’t take it (Dangerous seizures in specific as a withdrawal symptom and mood swings)

 

The seizures are from going cold turkey off lorazepam, so you'll want to do a very slow taper this time. With a slow taper, your nervous system will have time to adjust and your symptoms may be uncomfortable, but not life-threatening. Please see:

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

This is especially important because unlike other psych drugs, going cold turkey or rapid tapering a benzo can lead to a seizure. 

 

Since you're now down to just being on lorazepam, please start a new thread for yourself in the benzo forum. Here is the link to the benzo forum: 

 

Benzo Tapering and Recovery

 

Once you've started your thread, we can set you up a safe taper plan. 

 

[jeremy1069]

Nothing changed in my doses, but I wanted to leave an update.

 

With the exception of my unrelated (or maybe related) physical problems (Ear, Sinus) I had been getting better lately. My severe insomnia had eased, OCD has remained the same. I was feeling like I was hopefully on my way to pulling things back together.

 

However,

 

I’m guessing I’m going to have to deal with the setbacks. Wednesday night I had a bad attack of Insomnia. The only good news is I still managed to sleep a couple hours. I slept just fine last night.

 

I’m having ongoing bouts of crying. Never cried this much in my life. Really kicked up today. Wednesday my mother was offered a trade in on her car, the dealer brought out the car “Come see your new car.”  they made it seem certain that it would be fine. Let her drive home with it as a “test drive” while they worked things out. The people who were going to finance it did a 360, and said no. So she won’t get to keep the car. I felt so terrible for her, broke down crying in the washroom over how cruel this whole thing was. 

 

There’s a huge snowstorm coming to parts of the midwest this weekend, crying because it will hurt the plants, trees and birds.

 

There’s also this ongoing problem where I think my brain is reacting wrong, where I get stabbing pain and rashes in my skin if I feel threatened or anxious or stressed. I think this was damage done by the SSRI withdrawal. Hopefully it won’t last forever. Doctors have no idea what’s wrong. I had a CT scan on the ear that has been bothering me, it showed “Negative” per the doctor and they referred me to an allergist.

 

I look in the mirror and can clearly see the damage that has been done by all of this. I look so terrible compared to even 2 years ago. 

 

I feel so hopeless sometimes. Especially when I can’t stop crying over things I can’t control. I feel like it’s too late to get my old life back. I wish I was never given these pills 12 years ago. I keep being pushed by people to go back on them. Sometimes I feel like going back on them but resist. I will not go back on these pills.

 

For now, I guess the only hope I have is the signs of improvement I mentioned above. I have to hope for more of that.

[Shep]

19 hours ago, jeremy1069 said:

With the exception of my unrelated (or maybe related) physical problems (Ear, Sinus) I had been getting better lately. My severe insomnia had eased, OCD has remained the same. I was feeling like I was hopefully on my way to pulling things back together.

 

However,

 

I’m guessing I’m going to have to deal with the setbacks. Wednesday night I had a bad attack of Insomnia. The only good news is I still managed to sleep a couple hours. I slept just fine last night.

 

I'm glad you've seen some improvements, even if they do come in the form of windows and waves. 

 

19 hours ago, jeremy1069 said:

I’m having ongoing bouts of crying. Never cried this much in my life. 

 

This is common during withdrawal. You may find this thread helpful:

 

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

[UnfoldingSky]

Hi Jeremy, 

 

I just wished to say hello, and offer my support. I read your thread a while ago about problems with beds and wanted to comment, I can't recall now why I didn't (maybe I got distracted.)  I was on most of the drugs you have been on except Luvox.  Like you describe I have had the crying spells as well.  I used to weep and weep over the smallest things...Often it would be over music, even upbeat songs could get to me at times.  This does improve.  Now I'd often only have a problem with very sad songs and even then often nothing much happens. 

 

Also I can relate a lot to being really upset over things in life that are not fair too. I think a lot of people have that happen because of issues with psych drugs.  Things we might normally be able to ignore become magnified.  That said, and not to minimize what you are going through, but reading over here you sound like a lovely person, that you are concerned over things that you mention like your Mom having the car taken away or how a storm affects the birds and plants. 

 

Oh and what in the world is with your doctor saying you have fluid in your ear, I'll give you some Zoloft?  It's like a bad joke, you wonder how anyone can take them seriously when they do things like that. 

[jeremy1069]

8 hours ago, UnfoldingSky said:

Hi Jeremy, 

 

I just wished to say hello, and offer my support. I read your thread a while ago about problems with beds and wanted to comment, I can't recall now why I didn't (maybe I got distracted.)  I was on most of the drugs you have been on except Luvox.  Like you describe I have had the crying spells as well.  I used to weep and weep over the smallest things...Often it would be over music, even upbeat songs could get to me at times.  This does improve.  Now I'd often only have a problem with very sad songs and even then often nothing much happens. 

 

Also I can relate a lot to being really upset over things in life that are not fair too. I think a lot of people have that happen because of issues with psych drugs.  Things we might normally be able to ignore become magnified.  That said, and not to minimize what you are going through, but reading over here you sound like a lovely person, that you are concerned over things that you mention like your Mom having the car taken away or how a storm affects the birds and plants. 

 

Oh and what in the world is with your doctor saying you have fluid in your ear, I'll give you some Zoloft?  It's like a bad joke, you wonder how anyone can take them seriously when they do things like that. 

 

Thanks for the response

 

The crying thing is slowly going away but it keeps coming back randomly. I was under more pressure from a lack of sleep the other day. I think. The car thing worked out fine for my mom a day later (Go figure) All kinds of little things have set me off.

 

The bed thing is a real problem. I was in complete agony when I posted that. A friend of mine found a junk bed from 2003 (Which helped a lot) The difference is night and day. They really don’t make them the way they used to. 

 

Every doctor I go to, none of them psychiatrists keeps trying to push Zoloft or some other medication on me. Must be a hot seller lately. 

 

Hope you feel better

 

 

[jeremy1069]

I need some advice if anybody can help.

 

I had been trying and for the most part doing OK in recovering from this disaster. Today was not one of those days.

 

I had a severe attack of Insomnia this morning and seemingly a relapse of symptoms. It was a combination of the obvious lack of ability to sleep and the bed problems I described here before.

 

When I get to a “can’t sleep” phase, at some point I either wind up getting some sleep, or I freak out into a mash of anxiety, frustration, anger, skin burning, etc. I feel so angry at myself and the bed when this happens, and since it happens at 4-5AM, I have woken up the people I live with and they get very angry with me.

 

Today I woke my mother up because of this. She is the least supportive or understanding person. I yell in complete agony that “I’m tired. I need to sleep!” while trying to explain what’s wrong. Falls on deaf ears. There is no sort of support for me around here at all. Just angry people thinking I’m doing this on purpose. They threw me outside. Told me to “Leave and not come back. How dare you wake us up!” while throwing Lorazepam pills at me. Not the first time this has happened. Actually this was happening constantly at the peak of my withdrawal.

 

When I get kicked out (temporary or otherwise) I feel completely hopeless and paranoid ontop of feeling like I’m going to collapse from being so tired.

 

I don’t have anywhere else to go when this happens nor do I have anybody I could talk to or go to for help. Just McDonalds or the local Library if it’s open. Usually before they throw me out, my brain wakes up for a second so I can grab my money, keys and phone.

 

What should I do when this happens? I really just want to talk to someone who understands or is willing to listen. I don’t have anybody. 

 

I don’t want to call any crisis or police because 1) I’m not harming anybody or myself nor am I in danger of doing so and 2) I know if I do call any of them, they’ll have me in the psychiatric hospital being forced right back onto the medications. I was taken to a psychiatric hospital in August and I still have PTSD-like symptoms from it. Those places are no help for anything like this.

 

Is there some place or number I can call to just talk to someone? I know everybody always touts the suicide hotline, but I’m not suicidal at all. I’m just struggling. 

 

This has been getting better. I’ve seen improvement but it keeps coming back at random like this. I just want to feel better, and trust me I have been fighting like I have never fought before to get there. 

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Gridley]

@jeremy1069

 

You might consider posting on this SA thread:

Would you be open to being my phone friend? - Page 3 ...

There were two or three SA members interested in talking by phone.

 

Edited May 25, 2019 by Gridley

[UnfoldingSky]

On 5/25/2019 at 7:28 AM, jeremy1069 said:

I need some advice if anybody can help.

 

I had been trying and for the most part doing OK in recovering from this disaster. Today was not one of those days.

 

I had a severe attack of Insomnia this morning and seemingly a relapse of symptoms. It was a combination of the obvious lack of ability to sleep and the bed problems I described here before.

 

When I get to a “can’t sleep” phase, at some point I either wind up getting some sleep, or I freak out into a mash of anxiety, frustration, anger, skin burning, etc. I feel so angry at myself and the bed when this happens, and since it happens at 4-5AM, I have woken up the people I live with and they get very angry with me.

 

Today I woke my mother up because of this. She is the least supportive or understanding person. I yell in complete agony that “I’m tired. I need to sleep!” while trying to explain what’s wrong. Falls on deaf ears. There is no sort of support for me around here at all. Just angry people thinking I’m doing this on purpose. They threw me outside. Told me to “Leave and not come back. How dare you wake us up!” while throwing Lorazepam pills at me. Not the first time this has happened. Actually this was happening constantly at the peak of my withdrawal.

 

When I get kicked out (temporary or otherwise) I feel completely hopeless and paranoid ontop of feeling like I’m going to collapse from being so tired.

 

I don’t have anywhere else to go when this happens nor do I have anybody I could talk to or go to for help. Just McDonalds or the local Library if it’s open. Usually before they throw me out, my brain wakes up for a second so I can grab my money, keys and phone.

 

What should I do when this happens? I really just want to talk to someone who understands or is willing to listen. I don’t have anybody. 

 

I don’t want to call any crisis or police because 1) I’m not harming anybody or myself nor am I in danger of doing so and 2) I know if I do call any of them, they’ll have me in the psychiatric hospital being forced right back onto the medications. I was taken to a psychiatric hospital in August and I still have PTSD-like symptoms from it. Those places are no help for anything like this.

 

Is there some place or number I can call to just talk to someone? I know everybody always touts the suicide hotline, but I’m not suicidal at all. I’m just struggling. 

 

This has been getting better. I’ve seen improvement but it keeps coming back at random like this. I just want to feel better, and trust me I have been fighting like I have never fought before to get there. 

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Hi Jeremy, I hope things have improved since you posted this, hope you are back at home or somewhere safe.

 

I used to have pretty much the same thing happening to me as well.  My family were not terribly sympathetic about what happened to me either. I get why you would not want to go to the hospital as well.  Just wanted you to know you are not alone. 

 

[jeremy1069]

33 minutes ago, UnfoldingSky said:

 

Hi Jeremy, I hope things have improved since you posted this, hope you are back at home or somewhere safe.

 

I used to have pretty much the same thing happening to me as well.  My family were not terribly sympathetic about what happened to me either. I get why you would not want to go to the hospital as well.  Just wanted you to know you are not alone. 

 

 

Thanks! Some days are better than others. The #1 thing that is bothering me now is depression and the problems falling asleep. I believe the two are related to some extent. On days when I get good sleep, my mood is better. I worry about whether or not I will sleep every night. 

 

The inability to fall asleep, at it’s worse made me think a lot of irrational things such as checking into the hospital just to sleep (Not something I want to do) or paying for a hotel room (Not something I could afford)

 

I often feel depressing nostalgia, even for as little as 2 years ago. This has taken a huge toll on me physically. My hair is starting to grey. 

 

I hope someday there will be a way out of this

[UnfoldingSky]

Hi Jeremy,

 

My hair started to gray too from what happened to me.  I also get the nostalgia as well.  It's a bit strange as some past times were nothing to look back at really...But I do often feel "lost" in the present now and wish I could go back in time.  Sometimes I even get nostalgic for time periods I didn't even live in (thinking they didn't have psych drugs then or at least not the ones I took.) 

 

I understand about not sleeping too.  Where I live now there is a lot of noise in the neighborhood so if you intend to sleep past say seven thirty in the morning, you get woken up.  My sleep schedule is all messed up so I sleep more during the day and am far more productive at night.  Naturally this doesn't make for great sleep because most of the noise is during the day...and my room has to be worst in the house for absorbing the noise. I wouldn't be able to handle a bad bed on top of all of this, actually used to sleep on one that was horrible and it injured me...thankfully I now have an old one that is still in good shape that is comfortable.  I don't know what I'd do without it.

 

i hear you about the hotel too. I was in the same position myself not really being able to afford it when I left,  instead I spent part of the night "camping" in the woods.

 

Hope you get many good nights of sleep!

 

 

[jeremy1069]

Few things on my mind. 

 

Last couple of days my right ear (which I’ve been having trouble with since August, no help from any specialists) started getting worse.

 

Along with that, my withdrawal symptoms are all back up. Some bursts of crying, some anger, the stabbing needle pain in my skin, feeling like my circulation is bad, all of that.

 

Since I’ve been on multiple SSRI’s in the last year (All of which were trying to replace Zoloft) I’m wondering if the withdrawal is from a specific one or all of them at the same time. Is it even possible to tell?

 

I’m not on any at all anymore, but here are the last time each of them were filled:

Luvox (The last one I was on, stopped it months ago) 12-6-18

Buspirone 7-5-18

Citalopram  3-20-18

Paxil 3-5-18

Zoloft May 2018

[ChessieCat]

Have you seen this topic?  are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

[jeremy1069]

13 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Have you seen this topic?  are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

I have. I should consider printing it out next time I’m near a printer so I can go back to it when I’m away from the internet. I tend to forget things more lately

[ChessieCat]

I think we all do at some time or other.

 

A funny/stupid thing I did today:

 

I made my lunch and ate it. When I bit into it I was thinking that I had put too much mustard on it. After I finished I realised I had forgotten to put the ham on it, so I had a cheese and mustard muffin.  And I had even got the ham out.  Thankfully I remembered to put it back in the fridge after I had eaten my "lunch".

[jeremy1069]

Saw my Psychiatrist today. He asked if I was on the medication anymore, I said no, and he brought up about how I had to get back on it in the past because of brain zaps. Not this time. Anyway, I don’t have to see him again for awhile. 

 

I had a better day today than yesterday. Only things that got to me were some things not right  in the grocery store (They were out of stuff) Nightfall I started going downhill as far as mood. Just depressed about the usual stuff. It’s usually set off by things that remind me of my younger years which were obviously better in many ways (I went without any medication at all from 13-20). 

 

I hope for more days like today. They’re rare.

[Altostrata]

Chessie, one day I forgot my breakfast on the counter (toast, almond butter, jam) and went downtown for an appointment. When I got there, I realized I hadn't eaten breakfast. How could I forget that?

 

Jeremy, are you still taking lorazepam? 

 

Since your low mood is associated with certain thoughts -- sounds like regret and self-blame -- non-drug therapies might be very helpful for you. Have you ever seen a psychotherapist? You might want to take up habitual activities that make you feel better, like joining a club or taking up a hobby, or even taking a walk in the evening.

 

Read 

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals