ascfgdxz: took my first ever pill today. Should I stop? Would love help, thanks

[Kronos18]

1 hour ago, ascfgdxz said:

Literally the only help available to me is hospitalization and forceful injection of psychiatric drugs. Even talking to people, all people say is psychiatric drugs. Is that all thats out there? I have done all of your suggestions, I have no other ideas. I am so depressed now. No energy AT ALL, I don't care about ANYTHING, everything is pointless, everything is pointless, all communication is empty and shallow and no one is happy. My life is over already, I really see nothing I can do now unless I want to be hospitalized, injected with drugs, shamed by everyone, lose my job, not go to college, lose my opportunity to be done with it all, be a major burden that doesn't even get better. I can't talk to you guys about it, and everyone else treats me like I am a delusional mentally ill person "rejecting treatment". I don't want your ******* drugs and I don't know what I can do. What else is there, I need big change, I give up

Mate, you have a life to live.I know how hard it is, to struggle with it day by day, but don’t give up.Life is worth living, there is light at the end of the tunnel.Everything will be ok, everyone understands each other because of the common situation, but take it day by day, in the end it will worth.

Adrian

[Monty95]

2 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

all communication is empty and shallow and no one is happy.

 

You'll find someone to communicate with one day that reflects back parts of you in new and interesting ways and together you spark art and humour you can lose yourself in, that will be all there is in that moment for you. Think about all the connections that have come and gone over the course of human history, you're improbably and relatively uniquely alive in this moment, the rest of your life is a gift that affords you the opportunity to experience everything that makes us human. That may not seem appealing to you right now but it will again. You're also young and healthy and unscathed by psych drug damage, that in itself is a gift many on this forum would go to great lengths to reclaim. You will be happy again, I guarantee it. In terms of sheer probability it would be very unusual to have no fluctuations in mood over the course of a lifetime.

 

2 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

What else is there, I need big change, I give up

 

Art, music, poetry, nature, science, all the great novels ever written, your family, relationships, hobbies, social contribution, puppies...In terms of solutions, just keep on with the changes you've already made, you will inevitably see progress but life isn't always easy and it may take some time. I think its worth the effort and I think you think so too. Why not try talking with someone who isn't likely to push psychiatric drugs eg. a counsellor or psychologist but who may be able to help with implementing strategies to help address some of your fears and counteract catastrophic thinking? You don't need to explicitly mention your suicidal thinking if you're concerned this will result in forced treatment. 

[Rosetta]

I understand completely.  I have felt that way so many times, and yet I'm still here.  I am getting better without their drugs.  In fact, in spite of the fact that extremely serious medical malpractice has been committed, I am healing every day.  

 

Do not let them do that to you.  Your brain was affected by that drug and your nervous system responded to protect you although it doesn't feel like it.  It's as if you ate a bad mushroom and survived.  Your brain isn't going to let you forget that mushroom.  Unfortunately, your nervous system is really overreacting because you didn't eat a natural mushroom.  It was an artificial drug no one would ever find except for the actions of the greedy pharmaceutical executives who KNOW these drugs maim and kill people, but don't care!!  

 

The people who are telling you that you are rejecting "treatment" don't know what they are talking about.  I had a strange reaction to Paxil a couple of years before I started on Celexa.  No one noticed.  No one asked me how Paxil made me feel when I was given Celexa.  No one cares except other people who have survived this and want you to survive, too.

 

I hope you are here in 10 or 20 years when a EVERYONE knows the truth!!!  Do not let them defeat you,. Get mad!!  Fight for your life!  Do not let their incompetence take it from you.  You are important and valuable.  You will get through this and be glad you did just as I am glad I made it through the danger zone.  

 

Everyone here understands what you are feeling.  It will be ok.  Hold on until this passes.

 

Rosetta

[ascfgdxz]

I am scared and dont know whats happening. Over past week, every night its getting worse. The hypnagogia, i keep hearing my thoughts occasionally. I dont feel like me, i dont feel right. Im immensely uncomortable, i have headaches, my vision is hard to focus, im slow and robotic, even my family says i dont seem right. Is this anxiety, am i actually going insane? I dont know what to do. I cant talk to anyone without it getting worss but being alone is so scary  i cant sleep. If i tell anyone, i will lose my job and miss college and everything will be messed up and ill be put on antipsychotics or something and ill be some.brain damaged zombie for life. I dont know what to do. Help

[ascfgdxz]

I feel like I am past the point of being able to help myself. I feel totally hopeless, no energy, no motivation. If i open up and tell someone, all they will want is me to go on drugs and i might just have to because im not able to do this anymore. I have to live as a drugged, damaged zombie. I cant get by on my own. Help, do i tell family. I dont know what to do

[Monty95]

Hey Asc,

 

I hope you're okay. I just wanted to say I forgot to add that I noticed you mentioned you had recently been taking lorazepam as needed. Did you realise even intermittent use of benzos can result in increased depression/anxiety in some individuals? You also mentioned alcohol use which affects the same receptors as the benzo you're taking, combined use of the two can result in adverse reactions/kindling. I don't know whether you're dependent on lorazepam at this stage, perhaps you could ask a moderator in the benzo forum? If not I would try to develop some alternative strategies to cope with your anxiety, bearing in mind panic attacks don't escalate indefinitely but typically peak and recede over time. If you're using lorazepam for sleep there are other less harmful methods you could try eg. meditation, melatonin etc. Hopefully you're feeling a bit better now  

 

 

[ascfgdxz]

3 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

Hey Asc,

 

I hope you're okay. I just wanted to say I forgot to add that I noticed you mentioned you had recently been taking lorazepam as needed. Did you realise even intermittent use of benzos can result in increased depression/anxiety in some individuals? You also mentioned alcohol use which affects the same receptors as the benzo you're taking, combined use of the two can result in adverse reactions/kindling. I don't know whether you're dependent on lorazepam at this stage, perhaps you could ask a moderator in the benzo forum? If not I would try to develop some alternative strategies to cope with your anxiety, bearing in mind panic attacks don't escalate indefinitely but typically peak and recede over time. If you're using lorazepam for sleep there are other less harmful methods you could try eg. meditation, melatonin etc. Hopefully you're feeling a bit better now  

 

 

Im not feeling better now unfortunately. Before I was depressed and stuff but i could eat ok, sleep well, get things done, enjoy things. Now i resemble more stereotypical depression. My sleep is awful, i cant get out of bed, no energy to do anything, i enjoy nothing, i am so unhappy, i just stare at a wall and im sick in my stomach, constant diarrhea from my stress, so hopeless worried and scared. I am not addicted to benzos, i almost never take them. I will stop using unless im having an actual panic attack. Last night was my new worst night ever and I just let it be, i didnt take benzos. But i got little sleep and stayed in bed way later than normal. My dad knows im not acting like myself. Im considering telling him to take dangerous things away from me but i hate the way he talks about my issues and mental health, and doing so woukd ruin my job, and life and everything. I told my sister i cant sleep cause of stress and i dont think she gets how bad i am. I dont see myself improving on my own, i may need to take meds, i dont see how to improve otherwise, and my family will strongly coerce me into taking meds. I am so scared for sleeping again tonight and i am scared of being alone again. Thanks for your message

[Shep]

23 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

I hope you're okay. I just wanted to say I forgot to add that I noticed you mentioned you had recently been taking lorazepam as needed. Did you realise even intermittent use of benzos can result in increased depression/anxiety in some individuals? You also mentioned alcohol use which affects the same receptors as the benzo you're taking, combined use of the two can result in adverse reactions/kindling. I don't know whether you're dependent on lorazepam at this stage, perhaps you could ask a moderator in the benzo forum?

 

This is an excellent post, Monty.

 

@ascfgdxz You just posted that you "almost never" take benzos. How often are you taking them? Please list the dates and dose over the past couple of weeks. 

 

When was the last time you had a drink? Or used recreational drugs? 

 

14 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I dont see myself improving on my own, i may need to take meds, i dont see how to improve otherwise, and my family will strongly coerce me into taking meds. I am so scared for sleeping again tonight and i am scared of being alone again. Thanks for your message

 

What are you doing to learn how to self-soothe? Are you listening to mindfulness videos?

 

Guided Meditation for Detachment From Over-Thinking (Anxiety / OCD / Depression) video (42 minutes)

 

This is going to take work. It won't happen overnight.

 

Are you able to get in with a therapist for talk therapy (no drugs)? Do you have health insurance now that you're working again? 

 

[Monty95]

14 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

Im not feeling better now unfortunately. Before I was depressed and stuff but i could eat ok, sleep well, get things done, enjoy things. Now i resemble more stereotypical depression. My sleep is awful, i cant get out of bed, no energy to do anything, i enjoy nothing, i am so unhappy, i just stare at a wall and im sick in my stomach, constant diarrhea from my stress, so hopeless worried and scared. I am not addicted to benzos, i almost never take them. I will stop using unless im having an actual panic attack. Last night was my new worst night ever and I just let it be, i didnt take benzos. But i got little sleep and stayed in bed way later than normal. My dad knows im not acting like myself. Im considering telling him to take dangerous things away from me but i hate the way he talks about my issues and mental health, and doing so woukd ruin my job, and life and everything. I told my sister i cant sleep cause of stress and i dont think she gets how bad i am. I dont see myself improving on my own, i may need to take meds, i dont see how to improve otherwise, and my family will strongly coerce me into taking meds. I am so scared for sleeping again tonight and i am scared of being alone again. Thanks for your message

 

Have you seen a doctor about your diarrhoea? You probably know the link between gut health and depression? Sleep and appetite issues might be related to your recent alcohol and psych drug use and withdrawal. Give it some time and try to eat well and exercise as you have been doing. I understand how impaired functioning due to depression can be distressing and debilitating but my advice would be to do whatever you have to to try to manage this without drugs. This will pass. However, developing dependence, "side" effects and protracted withdrawal from psychiatric drug use may result in disabling and debilitating effects that span decades. You may never fully recover and you'll never have the opportunity to live your life as "you" without wondering what role drugs played in determining the course of your life. I desperately want to live but I've sustained a degree of brain damage from effexor withdrawal that renders me currently incapable of daily functioning. Not to mention the wasted years taking the drug where I abandoned friendships, career plans, family relationships, passions etc. I was effectively forced to start on this drug in hospital about which I'm still disbelieving and bitter. Are you familiar with the long term outcomes of medicated vs unmedicated depression? Those who remain unmedicated generally recover within months and do far better over the long term. Adaptive changes in brain architecture in response to psychiatric medications predispose to future depressive episodes, not to mention physical disability, apathy etc. Try everything in your power to get your life back on track and regain some function; family counselling if necessary, forcing yourself to interact with others even when you don't feel like it, work on finding a passion and developing future goals to work towards. I promise you it will be worth it in the end, you can overcome this and have an amazing worthwhile life!

[ascfgdxz]

37 minutes ago, Shep said:

You just posted that you "almost never" take benzos. How often are you taking them? Please list the dates and dose over the past couple of weeks. 

 

When was the last time you had a drink? Or used recreational drugs? 

I don't use recreational drugs. I updated my signature regarding lorazepam. I am unsure the exact amounts and dates. I will avoid using it again unless there's a serious panic attack. Mid March to Mid April, I tried drinking no alcohol, I had 3 drinks during that time. Since Mid-April, I have been drinking about one drink every other day. My last drink was splitting a beer last night with my dad. I will try stopping again.

 

41 minutes ago, Shep said:

What are you doing to learn how to self-soothe?

I don't really do much self soothing. I am so angry at myself and disgusted by myself, I let me feel it all. Sometimes I try deep breathing but it doesn't work very well, sometimes I try distracting with TV or music but it also doesn't work too well. Just listening to my thoughts and accepting them rather than fighting them feels better.

 

43 minutes ago, Shep said:

This is going to take work. It won't happen overnight.

It's been half a year of trying now, I am exhausted and hopeless. And it's really been 9 years of being depressed, most of my mature life.

 

44 minutes ago, Shep said:

Are you able to get in with a therapist for talk therapy (no drugs)? Do you have health insurance now that you're working again? 

Yes, there's only one therapy option nearby, its a 45minute drive, free government therapy. I started this Thursday and will go every Thursday. Right from the beginning, she is strongly pushing drugs and treating me like I am in denial and rejecting treatment. She is pretty clueless and doesn't listen well, everything she talks about I've heard before and it sounds like it's from a textbook and she's not able to understand me well, I feel judged. She is asking me what therapy to do like "Well we could go over core beliefs if you think that'd help, or we could review CBT..." like I don't know, I thought you would. I'm in a contract summer student position, no benefits or insurance.

 

So discouraged and hopeless. Ok, so I stop drinking, I try self soothing and keep working and going to talk therapy? Is that enough? Thank you

[ascfgdxz]

34 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

Have you seen a doctor

I will try to get one. I am in rural town and there is a shortage of doctors. There is likely a waiting list and they will likely be highly inexperienced with mental health. I doubt anything can be done about diarrhea, I believe it has to do with my stress.

 

36 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

and exercise as you have been doing

I haven't been for two weeks. No energy, little time, it's still snowing. I know I should but I am so depressed.

 

38 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

Are you familiar with the long term outcomes of medicated vs unmedicated depression? Those who remain unmedicated generally recover within months and do far better over the long term

It's been 9 years of depression and it's been half a year of very significant depression. Shouldn't I be healed then. I'm really not hopeful in my ability to be better given my track record and now even lower energy than before. I am very sorry for what's happened to you and thank you for taking the time to warn me. 

 

40 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

Try everything in your power to get your life back on track and regain some function; family counselling if necessary, forcing yourself to interact with others even when you don't feel like it, work on finding a passion and developing future goals to work towards.

I'm sorry I am so pessimistic and negative. I really don't care about anything and I have no will left. I can't talk to anyone without my life being ruined or being drugged or hospitalized. I have no one to even interact with, theres no young people in this town, just meth heads cottagers and old retired people. I had things I liked, I don't even care about them now and feel like I never liked them. 

 

43 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

I promise you it will be worth it in the end, you can overcome this and have an amazing worthwhile life!

Why will it be worth it? I think my life is already over no matter what I do. I don't understand why I even exist, this just feels like I have a 65 year death sentence to suffer, I really can't possibly imagine ever being fully happy, being successful or independent. I'm just so scared of everything now. Thank you for your message 

[Shep]

21 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I don't use recreational drugs. I updated my signature regarding lorazepam. I am unsure the exact amounts and dates. I will avoid using it again unless there's a serious panic attack. Mid March to Mid April, I tried drinking no alcohol, I had 3 drinks during that time. Since Mid-April, I have been drinking about one drink every other day. My last drink was splitting a beer last night with my dad. I will try stopping again.

 

Thank you for your honesty, Asc. You really do need to stop drinking. There's no doubt that it's playing into your dark mood. 

 

21 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I don't really do much self soothing. I am so angry at myself and disgusted by myself, I let me feel it all. Sometimes I try deep breathing but it doesn't work very well, sometimes I try distracting with TV or music but it also doesn't work too well. Just listening to my thoughts and accepting them rather than fighting them feels better.

 

Acceptance is golden, Asc. Sounds like you've found something that helps. You may find these links helpful so you can tone down some of the negative self-talk. 

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Rebuilding self-confidence, accepting anxiety

 

21 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

Yes, there's only one therapy option nearby, its a 45minute drive, free government therapy. I started this Thursday and will go every Thursday. Right from the beginning, she is strongly pushing drugs and treating me like I am in denial and rejecting treatment. She is pretty clueless and doesn't listen well, everything she talks about I've heard before and it sounds like it's from a textbook and she's not able to understand me well, I feel judged. She is asking me what therapy to do like "Well we could go over core beliefs if you think that'd help, or we could review CBT..." like I don't know, I thought you would. I'm in a contract summer student position, no benefits or insurance.

 

That therapist sounds horrible, Asc! You may be better off with some of the online options for CBT and mindfulness. 

 

21 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

Ok, so I stop drinking, I try self soothing and keep working and going to talk therapy? Is that enough? Thank you

 

Yes to all of this except the talk therapy. If you find the talk therapy to be toxic (and from what you've written, it sounds like it may be), than you may want to search for some free online stuff to get you through. For instance:

 

Online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)

 

I really think if you avoid alcohol, you'll solve a lot of your problems. You clearly aren't able to metabolize it like others can and it has a profound effect on your nervous system. 

 

45 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

Those who remain unmedicated generally recover within months and do far better over the long term. Adaptive changes in brain architecture in response to psychiatric medications predispose to future depressive episodes, not to mention physical disability, apathy etc.

 

Spot on again, Monty.

 

Asc, if you can ride this out without medications and without alcohol, you'll come out of this in much better shape. 

 

10 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

It's been 9 years of depression and it's been half a year of very significant depression. Shouldn't I be healed then.

 

How long has alcohol been a part of your life? Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. 

Edited April 27, 2019 by Shep
added link

[Monty95]

9 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I am scared and dont know whats happening. Over past week, every night its getting worse. The hypnagogia, i keep hearing my thoughts occasionally. I dont feel like me, i dont feel right. Im immensely uncomortable, i have headaches, my vision is hard to focus, im slow and robotic, even my family says i dont seem right. Is this anxiety, am i actually going insane? I dont know what to do. I cant talk to anyone without it getting worss but being alone is so scary  i cant sleep. If i tell anyone, i will lose my job and miss college and everything will be messed up and ill be put on antipsychotics or something and ill be some.brain damaged zombie for life. I dont know what to do. Help

 

I only just saw this post. These sound like the result of delayed withdrawal reactions to Wellbutrin or possible complications from recreational drug/Benzo/alcohol use. It sounds as though these are all new symptoms, hence would fit with the timeline of your recent SSRI/Wellbutrin use and withdrawal. They’re common to many people in your situation. Try not to worry too much about them, they will pass in time. I experienced the hypnagogic hallucinations recently, about 3 months after Effexor withdrawal. They were pretty scary but didn’t last long - I naively told my gp and he immediately recommended an antipsychotic, which is ludicrous as they’re actually not that uncommon and are classified as a sleep disorder, not psychosis. You’re not going insane or developing some new form of ‘mental illness’ whatever that may be. I thought the same when I withdrew from an antipsychotic that was prescribed as an adjunct to an antidepressant to help it to work better. I only recently found out everything I experienced subsequently was a typical withdrawal effect. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, could you explain to your family you’re suffering symptoms due to your antidepressant withdrawal that will be time limited & that you may require a bit of extra support in the meantime? Unless you have somebody to talk to who is very sympathetic/well versed in psychiatric drug withdrawal I’d probably avoid airing your concerns/ using terms like hallucinations, psychosis etc. as you’re probably right about risking pressure to use an antipsychotic which isn’t an antidote for withdrawal effects and could have a potentially disastrous outcome for you. You’re going to be okay, this will just take some time 🙂

[ascfgdxz]

17 minutes ago, Shep said:

You really do need to stop drinking. There's no doubt that it's playing into your dark mood

Not sure how I will explain it, but yes I will stop.

17 minutes ago, Shep said:

Acceptance is golden, Asc. Sounds like you've found something that helps

I don't think this is healthy acceptance. I am accepting my self loathing thoughts. I don't want to fight them, I just agree. Thank you for the links. Yes, this therapist I will give one or two more chances but it's making me feel even more hopeless. Thanks for the online mindfulness reccomendation, but isn't mindfulness just a way of clearing your head and meditating? Am I supposed to survive by just avoiding thinking? I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit and not move ever again, I am sorry I am so pathetically depressed now. 

22 minutes ago, Shep said:

How long has alcohol been a part of your life? Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. 

I first started drinking at 14 during my parents divorce and hospitaliztion and when I first became very depressed. I was drinking at first more than any other time in my life, like a litre of whiskey a week. Age 18 to 19, I barely drank at all because I was underage and had no one to buy for me because I have no friends. It's not like during this time I was better, I was still depressed as hell. You think if I never drink again, I'll be healed?

 

My family is getting worried about me, and I am worried about me. I don't know if I should tell them how bad I am, if it just is going to have them scared and possibly hospitalize me or get me drugged. I don't even know how I'll do this week. Thanks for what you wrote. 

[ascfgdxz]

29 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

complications from recreational drug/Benzo/alcohol use.

Could be.

 

30 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

could you explain to your family you’re suffering symptoms due to your antidepressant withdrawal that will be time limited & that you may require a bit of extra support in the meantime?

If I did this, I would need to show that Im working hard on improving and have to constantly give them reassuring productive messages, which I dont have. I dont think theyd understand and theyd be worried. I don't even know if this is time limited. I am sorry to be so dismissive of your advice and help and so negative. I am so scared, I am so worried. I am being too weak and can't stand another second of this feeling. 

 

33 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

Unless you have somebody to talk to who is very sympathetic/well versed in psychiatric drug withdrawal I’d probably avoid airing your concerns/ using terms like hallucinations, psychosis etc

I have sympathetic family, but not family understanding in mental health or psychiatric drugs at all. I am pretty sure they will just want me on meds. 

 

34 minutes ago, Monty95 said:

You’re going to be okay, this will just take some time

Again, I am sorry I am being so closed minded. I don't think I will be ok. Thank you

[Shep]

5 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

Thanks for the online mindfulness reccomendation, but isn't mindfulness just a way of clearing your head and meditating? Am I supposed to survive by just avoiding thinking?

 

Mindfulness is a way of calming the nervous system, it's a way of learning to be non-judgmental, it's a way of learning to let go (i.e. self-soothe). This is a great introductory level talk from Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn: 

 

9 Attitudes Jon Kabat Zinn video (27 minutes)

 

This is a great breathing exercise to settle down anxiety. 

 

4-7-8 Breathing Exercise by GoZen video (3.5 minutes)

 

Try doing this several times a day. It's the repetition that's helpful. 

 

 

8 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I don't think this is healthy acceptance. I am accepting my self loathing thoughts. I don't want to fight them, I just agree. Thank you for the links.

 

Definitely check out those links and see if you can find ways of decreasing those self-loathing thoughts. 

 

10 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I first started drinking at 14 during my parents divorce and hospitaliztion and when I first became very depressed. I was drinking at first more than any other time in my life, like a litre of whiskey a week. Age 18 to 19, I barely drank at all because I was underage and had no one to buy for me because I have no friends. It's not like during this time I was better, I was still depressed as hell. You think if I never drink again, I'll be healed?

 

I think learning better ways of self-soothing will set a solid foundation for you for you to heal. It's clear that your mind/body isn't able to tolerate alcohol. 

 

12 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

Not sure how I will explain it, but yes I will stop.

 

51 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

My last drink was splitting a beer last night with my dad.

 

13 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

My family is getting worried about me, and I am worried about me.

 

It sounds like you're drinking around your family, so you may want to explain to them that you think that drinking is causing some of your angst. 

 

Let them know you'd like their help in stopping. 

 

If you're struggling to stop drinking, you may want to look into AA or something similar. I have no experience with these types of groups, but we have a number of members who've shared their experiences:

 

Twelve-Step Recovery & Surviving Antidepressants

 

 

 

[ascfgdxz]

I just told my dad EVERYTHING. My guns are going away, im losing my job, losing college, moving home. I still feel horrible. I have no idea what im going to do or whats going to happen. I think ive ruined my life, its all over. But holy ****, i was feeling so bad and now after saying what i did, i actually feel better. I dont know whats going to happen. I dont know and im still scared. Im so ashamed

[ascfgdxz]

My family and I just doesnt know what to do. My sister is gently suggesting drugs and my mom is adamant about me needing them for life and possible hospitalization. They wont listen when i say drugs dont help. Im also out of options, i might give in. 

[Shep]

Do what you need to do to survive this crisis state, Asc. You can taper off psych drugs later if you do end up on them.

 

Be mindful of adverse reactions, as you know you have that in your history. Be careful of alcohol and benzos, as well. 

[Monty95]

Asc,

 

Did you explain to your family you felt that withdrawal from the SSRI, alcohol and benzo use might be contributing to your depression? That you didn't find them to be helpful in the past and they may in fact have worsened things for you? Some people report finding psychiatric drugs useful in managing depression in the short term, I won't deny that, I'm skeptical of those claims though, because there are too many variables involved. Are you aware that even very short term use (ie. one pill) of SSRI/SNRIs can permanently damage your sexual functioning? That you may experience debilitating withdrawal effects even with an appropriate gradual taper? You may not but I think you should be aware of the risks before you decide to medicate yourself. Your family are obviously concerned and trying to help and you should work with them as much as you are able to address the situation but ultimately its your health, life and body and you will be suffering the detrimental effects should your decision to experiment with psychiatric drugs go awry. The many people on this forum are testament to that. I agreed to take an antidepressant to appease my dad, who was well intentioned and trying to help. However, 17 years later I'm now suffering catastrophic ill effects, nobody else can or would do that for me. Shep gives great advice in saying you need to do whatever you need to do to survive your current situation but bear in mind you may be kindled from your past withdrawal from wellbutrin and zoloft, from which you report ongoing possible withdrawal effects. Further use of an antidepressant may be more difficult to taper off, presenting with exacerbated adverse reactions or withdrawals that could complicate or worsen your situation. Typically compounding use of these drugs doesn't get any easier, rather the reverse. What sort of hospitilisation? - if there's any chance you will be compelled or coerced to take drug treatment through the public system in spite of your voluntary admission I would avoid this at all costs. Sometimes just removing yourself from a toxic environment and speaking with others in similar situations can help to reframe your mindset though. You haven't ruined your life and there's no need to feel ashamed for being human and having a period where you're down or vulnerable. This is a temporary situation - use the opportunity to draw on strength and support from your family to help you process and address your current difficulties and put some plans in place moving forward to better manage them. You should feel proud that you've taken steps to begin making some positive changes and had the courage to be open and emotionally vulnerable with those close to you. 

[powerback]

15 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

My family and I just doesnt know what to do. My sister is gently suggesting drugs and my mom is adamant about me needing them for life and possible hospitalization. They wont listen when i say drugs dont help. Im also out of options, i might give in. 

Forget college for a year .[im guessing your 25 or younger ].I relate to the self loathing ,its horrible .stop the alcohol .it ruined my life ,ive nothing because of it , [im 38 and four years sober ] .Alcohol is  self medicating. I have genuine heart felt empathy for you because I know exactly what you going through.please use your thread to off load your agony because family couldn't know and we need to release them from the worst of it ,it will eventually overwhelm them .

 

Take the time at home to get out do some camping or just walking in nature.

Your brain is under too much stress in work and college .trust me ,you need to take this time . 

 

It pains me to hear you say you've no friends,you deserve friends and they deserve you also .

If your anything like me you could be comparing yourself to others ,please cut back on this and eventually get a good natured counsellor when your better so you can tap into your good nice traits, there in there trust me .

As a  Fellow human being please give yourself space and  time to heal.

Take great care ascfgdxz.  

[ascfgdxz]

On 4/28/2019 at 8:31 AM, Shep said:

Do what you need to do to survive this crisis state, Asc. You can taper off psych drugs later if you do end up on them.

 

Be mindful of adverse reactions, as you know you have that in your history. Be careful of alcohol and benzos, as well. 

Thank you. Really, this was all i could do to survive, i know its not ideal. Still have no idea what im going to do. But i have a psychologist that i like and cares and isnt pushing meds but its still a consideration. My stomach and head and chest feel so bad from emotional stress, so depressed can barely do anything. I may need meds. I will discuss my bad reactions etc. Thank you. Im not taking any benzos since getting here. And i want to avoid any drinking. Still kind of feels like ive accepted a shameful sh*tty life in place of dying. I dont know how i can change my self perception. 

[ascfgdxz]

On 4/28/2019 at 9:18 AM, Monty95 said:

Asc,

 

Did you explain to your family you felt that withdrawal from the SSRI, alcohol and benzo use might be contributing to your depression? That you didn't find them to be helpful in the past and they may in fact have worsened things for you? Some people report finding psychiatric drugs useful in managing depression in the short term, I won't deny that, I'm skeptical of those claims though, because there are too many variables involved. Are you aware that even very short term use (ie. one pill) of SSRI/SNRIs can permanently damage your sexual functioning? That you may experience debilitating withdrawal effects even with an appropriate gradual taper? You may not but I think you should be aware of the risks before you decide to medicate yourself. Your family are obviously concerned and trying to help and you should work with them as much as you are able to address the situation but ultimately its your health, life and body and you will be suffering the detrimental effects should your decision to experiment with psychiatric drugs go awry. The many people on this forum are testament to that. I agreed to take an antidepressant to appease my dad, who was well intentioned and trying to help. However, 17 years later I'm now suffering catastrophic ill effects, nobody else can or would do that for me. Shep gives great advice in saying you need to do whatever you need to do to survive your current situation but bear in mind you may be kindled from your past withdrawal from wellbutrin and zoloft, from which you report ongoing possible withdrawal effects. Further use of an antidepressant may be more difficult to taper off, presenting with exacerbated adverse reactions or withdrawals that could complicate or worsen your situation. Typically compounding use of these drugs doesn't get any easier, rather the reverse. What sort of hospitilisation? - if there's any chance you will be compelled or coerced to take drug treatment through the public system in spite of your voluntary admission I would avoid this at all costs. Sometimes just removing yourself from a toxic environment and speaking with others in similar situations can help to reframe your mindset though. You haven't ruined your life and there's no need to feel ashamed for being human and having a period where you're down or vulnerable. This is a temporary situation - use the opportunity to draw on strength and support from your family to help you process and address your current difficulties and put some plans in place moving forward to better manage them. You should feel proud that you've taken steps to begin making some positive changes and had the courage to be open and emotionally vulnerable with those close to you. 

 

In a way, I think the Wellbutrin actually helped me after the first weekx i felt more relaxed and clear headed but it still had problems and i was scared of messing up my brain for life and having tinnitus forever, so i stopped. Yes I know these drugs can be bad, still dont know if my treatment will involve them or not. It just really seems i have few options here. Its like i have few roads to choose and all lead off cliffs. This is why i felt so hopeless and almost regret telling anyone. I feel like now i cant survive the way i am, but drugs will ruin me, so what can i do. Im on a 72 hour hold. I will likely be out in 3 to 7 days, but i dont know if ill be moving into parents house depressed and unemployed AGAIN or back up north with my job in a town with no good supports. No good solutions. 

 

Yes even though this sucks right now, i am happy that i can talk to family, proud of the decision and happy to finally be tackling this and happy i can tell my family i love them instead of them never being able to talk to me again. I dont know how temporary this is, feels like its been my whole life and feels like its now living with parents spending all their money on therapy for me and wasting a year of life or taking meds. I dont know. Thanks for your comment and support, thank you

[ascfgdxz]

On 4/28/2019 at 9:59 AM, powerback said:

.please use your thread to off load your agony because family couldn't know and we need to release them from the worst of it ,it will eventually overwhelm them

I shouldnt tell them everything? I thought hiding things is what made it so bad for me before. I know its hard for them but if i need to keep pretending, i dont think i can make it. 

 

I know im not ready to go back to work and then college, but ive already wasted half a year and dont want to waste another being a loser sitting at home being a burden. I hate my parents home city so much and theres little i want to do there, i dont want to get involved there at all. 

 

I know i need friends, ive never had them, some acquaintances. I am just so low in self esteem, its so hard to do. I think a counsellor could help me, bit id need to spend thousands of dollars and years of life to do it. Im so emberrased and ashamed and mad at myself. And if it doesnt fix me then ive really burned time and money and am hopeless then. But ill keep the option open, thank you, i dont want to be too pessamistic

 

Thanks for your comment

[powerback]

15 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I shouldnt tell them everything?

this is tricky ,its good to express ourselves to a certain extent but continuously can come back on you in regards your family will keep talking about hospital [if you don't want to be in hospital].

Don't feel alone ,I cant and will not recommend that .judge your family's ability to cope with your situation [you have a family that cares for you ,remember that  ]

15 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

being a loser sitting at home being a burden.

This thinking will need to change[no pressure] ,we are sick ,ok its not understood or recognised but we need to dig deep and find sympathy for ourselves in this time [I know its hard and im the kind of self criticism].

15 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I hate my parents home city so much a

This  can be used as a good positive goal ,and work to get away again .use the environment as best you can to heal.

 

15 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I am just so low in self esteem,

I relate to this ,keep living and learning ,this will change .

Im still in the thick of it but the last couple of years ive learned loads about myself and ive grown as a person in this process .

15 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I know i need friends,

Apologies ,I didn't mean this as a judgement .

15 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

its so hard to do

Stick to your interest/hobbies  that you enjoy  and eventually it will fall into place .when I became sober 70% of friends dropped away ,I held onto a few that mattered.

16 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

Thanks for your comment

your welcome. Healthy distraction  for this period of your life .don't think about much else for now.

take care. 

[ascfgdxz]

On 4/30/2019 at 8:04 AM, powerback said:

This thinking will need to change

Thats the thing, i cant change it. I am so angry at myself and so stubborn and i just want to make myself feel bad and feel so ashamed and guilty. I dont think i can fix this ever. Maybe i should let doctors mess up my brain to stop this problem. 

 

On 4/30/2019 at 8:04 AM, powerback said:

Stick to your interest/hobbies  that you enjoy  and eventually it will fall into place

Yes this is a good idea, ONCE im settled down and can meet people. Im moving so much. And now i need to decide whether to go back to rural town with a crappy summer job and no mental health resources OR move to parents house in the city i hate, no job at all and hate it here but have mental health resources. I dont know. 

 

I actually really like my doctor, he doesnt want to just give me drugs and kick me out. He cares, wants to get to know me and really figure out whats going on. But he has had crazy theories where im an adrenaline junkie or autistic or something else. Doing all kinds of safe tests on me, ultrasound of heart and abdomen, blood tests, ecg scans. Today an MRI for christs sakes, but he actually suspects brain damage. I doubt all of this and think its crazy overkill but well see.

 

Thanks for your message, it means a lot to me to have somewhere to talk and amazing people to talk to. Thanks

[Monty95]

On 4/30/2019 at 5:24 AM, ascfgdxz said:

In a way, I think the Wellbutrin actually helped me after the first weekx i felt more relaxed and clear headed but it still had problems and i was scared of messing up my brain for life and having tinnitus forever, so i stopped. Yes I know these drugs can be bad, still dont know if my treatment will involve them or not. It just really seems i have few options here. Its like i have few roads to choose and all lead off cliffs. This is why i felt so hopeless and almost regret telling anyone. I feel like now i cant survive the way i am, but drugs will ruin me, so what can i do. Im on a 72 hour hold. I will likely be out in 3 to 7 days, but i dont know if ill be moving into parents house depressed and unemployed AGAIN or back up north with my job in a town with no good supports. No good solutions. 

 

Yes even though this sucks right now, i am happy that i can talk to family, proud of the decision and happy to finally be tackling this and happy i can tell my family i love them instead of them never being able to talk to me again. I dont know how temporary this is, feels like its been my whole life and feels like its now living with parents spending all their money on therapy for me and wasting a year of life or taking meds. I dont know. Thanks for your comment and support, thank you

  

I'm sorry. I hope you're okay. Ultimately only you can make these decisions for yourself, I just hope you're aware of the risks and potential benefits. When you're depressed it usually feels like it will be forever, that's just part of the charm of depression  . At 22 a year seems like a lifetime. I remember part of the reason I agreed to take meds is because I felt overwhelming guilt, shame, hopelessness at the thought of delaying or failing at uni. I felt tremendous pressure to perform academically, socially etc. and a lot of self hatred and punishment if I felt I fell short of my expectations. Totally misplaced & counterproductive; you need to be kind to yourself & be your own biggest supporter. If you can't do this its unlikely anyone else will fulfil this role for you. Failing to progress and taking time out to address my issues seemed like an unacceptable option. Actually acceptance of where you are and meeting your current needs, working on addressing the underlying cause of your unhappiness is probably the most worthwhile and productive strategies you could pursue and should set you up with some insights and coping mechanisms that will stay with you for life. I think Peter Breggin has a book on this, 'Guilt, shame and anxiety'; might be worth a read? If your family is supportive try to make use of them as a resource. If not and there's some toxicity/immediate pressures to perform etc. that could exacerbate your negative mindset, time alone with some structured outside supports might be a better option. As regards the drug use, I think your skepticism/caution, has served you well. Listen to your instincts, I wish I had. Although you say the Wellbutrin helped in some ways there is no guarantee it will continue to do so if reinstated over the short or long term and can come with side effects and personality changes that only emerge later in use. It could result in disability that will affect you for far longer than a year, some of which might last a lifetime, its an unknown really. Personally, I'd work on ditching the benzo and alcohol use, sticking with the exercise, diet & lifestyle changes, work on finding a passion? Its just a matter of playing the waiting game with some of the withdrawal symptoms you're experiencing; they will get better in time. If there's nobody to socialise with in your area, join an online group, work towards plans to move somewhere you're excited about etc. Try to manage your expectations and realise you're unlikely to feel better immediately, it takes time and work, there is no magic bullet to  resolve these problems for you. When it comes to risking your brain/health, the lower risk strategy seems to be the sensible choice. Again, hope you're feeling a bit better and survived the hospital stay intact!

[ascfgdxz]

3 hours ago, Monty95 said:

When you're depressed it usually feels like it will be forever

Yes, it really does. Also, I keep thinking I have about 65 long years to go, and have to get old and weak and diseased and find a good job and put enough money aside and what is the point. 

 

Im very sorry for the problems you were struggling with when you were young. Thank you for sharing with me. 

 

3 hours ago, Monty95 said:

Totally misplaced & counterproductive; you need to be kind to yourself & be your own biggest supporter

I know that ultimately, i neee to be my own biggest supporter. And i am so angry at myself because its just my decision holding me back. If i just were to stop hurting myself and try, i could make so much progress. But my self hatred is kind of like a great defense mechanism against any problem and im too scared to do.otherwise and dont want to let myself off the hook. I am so angry at myself, id rather ruin my life as punishment. Its sooooooo stupid, i know and i feel.dumb for being so dramatic and stupid but i just really cant stand me and never want to treat myself well because i dont deserve it. 

 

3 hours ago, Monty95 said:

Actually acceptance of where you are and meeting your current needs, working on addressing the underlying cause of your unhappiness is probably the most worthwhile and productive strategies you could pursue and should set you up with some insights and coping mechanisms that will stay with you for life. I think Peter Breggin has a book on this, 'Guilt, shame and anxiety'; might be worth a read? If your family is supportive try to make use of them as a resource. If not and there's some toxicity/immediate pressures to perform etc. that could exacerbate your negative mindset, time alone with some structured outside supports might be a better option

 Thanks for the book reccomendation. My family is as supportive as they can be, realpy give.me.so much but they dont have the answers for me or the solution. Im tempted to go back to work right away because i fear "taking time for myself" wont help me improve but will just make me be alone with my thoughts and go crazy. 

 

I can easily do without benzos and alcohol isnt tpp difficult to go without. I can eat well, exercise can be challenging. I have goals and passions. I fundamentally need to fix my brain. I feel powerless, which is why everyone is telling me to take meds and im considering it. Wellbutrin at least revived my dead sex drive, some confidence and felt more energy and i cpuld better think clearly about my issues and forgive myself and stuff. But youre right, the tinnitus scared me let alone all the issues that can come with long term usage and being addicted for life. 

 

Thank you for your advice. I may just follow doctors reccomendations. Even he is reluctant to give drugs and says it is not going to fix me. I will bring up all my concernes and will have to decide for myself. I really am mad at myself for being so stubborn and choosing to remain self hating. Being weak and taking meds instead. Fine, if i am weak and too stubborn, then i guess thats my choice and will face the consequences. 

 

Thanks for the reply, means a lot. I will know a lot more tomorrow. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

[Songbird]

Since you had a bad reaction to meds, I don't think it's a great idea to try more of them.  You seem to have some psychological issues (as many of us do!) which could be worked on with non-med techniques, of which there are many options.  You could do some investigation and see which options sound worth exploring further.  For example, if seeing counsellors or therapists doesn't appeal or isn't feasible for you, there are many self-help resources available, including books, videos and audio recordings.  I must admit to having found self-help books invaluable myself.

 

We have a topic for non-drug techniques, which of course is aimed at coping with withdrawal symptoms, however many of the techniques are also effective for general anxiety.  Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.

[powerback]

21 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

has had crazy theories where im an adrenaline junkie or autistic or something else. Doing all kinds of safe tests on me,

In my opinion we will see an awful lot of this in the future[the new way to explain our symptoms will be undiagnosed issues ]  ,its just a DRs way to explain your symptoms .DRs are using the DSM to link  symptoms to a diagnosis .only you can know what you were like before the adverse affect.

 

the amount of sensitivities im left with because of withdrawl would have me on the severe Autism spectrum,before this happened to me I could use noisy tools and look directly at the sun .withdrawl has given me a severe personality disorder[nervous system damage ] .

I understand I had strong anxiety before meds but I never avoided people[I worked in strangers houses and had no problems talking to them] ,I avoid people now out of embarrassment and shame because I want to be able to work and live normally ,A Dr would call that a personality disorder.

You will eventually have to ease up on the pressure your putting on yourself .

I know in withdrawal  in my own case it has exacerbated my "negative" unhelpful traits.Dig deep and be nice to yourself .

21 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

And now i need to decide whether to go back to rural town with a crappy summer job and no mental health resources OR move to parents house in the city i hate, no job at all and hate it here but have mental health resources. I dont know. 

 You will need to pick the lesser evil and do your best ,keep your head down and heal yourself .youl find a strength for the rest of your life out of this experience that others could only dream of .Oh man I dream of this happening to me at 22[you get my drift].

 

.If your a year or two down the line and still berating yourself for something that fundamentally wasn't your fault ,the Dr will wonder what's up.

In September a clinical phycologist gave me the Autism wording while I was in bits in front of him,if he doesn't believe in withdrawl ,what else will he think.im slowly coming around to the realisation that something wasn't ok before meds but never to the level of the  suffering  I live today.

Take care mate and keep being nice to yourself.

  

[ascfgdxz]

On 5/3/2019 at 6:15 AM, Songbird said:

Since you had a bad reaction to meds, I don't think it's a great idea to try more of them.  You seem to have some psychological issues (as many of us do!) which could be worked on with non-med techniques, of which there are many options.  You could do some investigation and see which options sound worth exploring further.  For example, if seeing counsellors or therapists doesn't appeal or isn't feasible for you, there are many self-help resources available, including books, videos and audio recordings.  I must admit to having found self-help books invaluable myself.

 

We have a topic for non-drug techniques, which of course is aimed at coping with withdrawal symptoms, however many of the techniques are also effective for general anxiety.  Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.

Thanks for your message. I would love to say I will not be taking drugs and will fix my life on my own. I agree drugs are not a solution and I agree the solution is through therapy, learning self soothing, coping skills etc. I have been trying to do this for half a year now, it's not working. My current life circumstances are not conducive to obtaining therapy, making friends, etc. I am scared and worried about my safety and I am not doing well, something needs to change, doing what I have been doing hasn't been working. I know, I hate drugs but if I can get it to help me for a year while I get things back on track, then it might be my best bet. Yes, I had a bad reaction to Sertraline especially, so an SSRI is off the table. My doctor is considering Lithium (But I dont think its a good idea because I am not bipolar and I dont have huge mood swings and I dont want constant blood monitoring). So also considering maybe Wellbutrin again instead. Near the end of my two weeks on Wellbutrin, I was feeling healthy, sane, normal and great again and optimiitc and energized enough to actually absorb the therapy and try to change my thinking and it revived my dead libido. Now, it may be possible this was just coincidence and I was only feeling good from the therapy, but it coincided so well that I felt good on the drugs and bad off of it. This drug may have bad effects on me but I am scared about making it through the summer just on my own. Wellbutrin at first sucked, pain, too much energy, huge mood swings. Nearer the end, it was feeling ok and that wasnt even a full month of trying it yet. Anyways, I am not sure which drug yet and maybe I am breaking forum rules or something by saying this  but yes I am considering taking meds again.

 

I also want to learn the non drug coping mechanisms, get therapy etc like you described and hopefully I can get a good job, make friends etc and have healthy habits and a support system for when I am ready to get off the drugs. I know Wellbutrin is not free from bad effects or withdrawal, but it is supposed to be not as severe as other drugs. I am just worried about the effect it has on tinnitus, it was giving me tinnitus before, so I may possibly get on a different drug.

 

On 5/3/2019 at 7:47 AM, powerback said:

In my opinion we will see an awful lot of this in the future[the new way to explain our symptoms will be undiagnosed issues ]  ,its just a DRs way to explain your symptoms .DRs are using the DSM to link  symptoms to a diagnosis .only you can know what you were like before the adverse affect.

In the end, he said he was humble and didnt want to give me too much of a specific diagnosis because it would not help me but keep me stuck. So he just left it at saying that I have a kind of a "personality disorder" with deeply ingrained maladaptive behaviours and personality traits. In my perception, I took it to mean "You are deeply stuck being ***** up in personality and you have been for a long time".

 

On 5/3/2019 at 7:47 AM, powerback said:

You will need to pick the lesser evil and do your best ,keep your head down and heal yourself

I think I am leaning towards going to the rural town and working. No great decision here, part of the reason I think I need meds, because I dont really have any other supports. I have already been trying to keep my head down and heal and ill it was getting me was making myself in danger of hurting myself. 

 

On 5/3/2019 at 7:47 AM, powerback said:

Take care mate and keep being nice to yourself.

 

Thank you!

[Songbird]

2 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I also want to learn the non drug coping mechanisms, get therapy etc like you described and hopefully I can get a good job, make friends etc and have healthy habits and a support system for when I am ready to get off the drugs.

 

That sounds like a good plan.  I feel that mindfulness techniques could work well for you - learning to observe negative thoughts but not get involved in them.  You could also use self-help books - if you can find a good library, you don't have to spend a lot.  I've just remembered a book I found very helpful was "There Is Nothing Wrong With You - Going Beyond Self-Hate" by Cheri Huber.  Learning to be kind and compassionate towards yourself is the best investment you'll ever make.

 

2 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

part of the reason I think I need meds, because I dont really have any other supports.

 

I don't think this is a good reason to take meds. I understand you've got to do what you have to to survive.  Please be very careful about adding meds, and keep us updated on how you're doing.

 

 

[ascfgdxz]

21 hours ago, Songbird said:

That sounds like a good plan.  I feel that mindfulness techniques could work well for you - learning to observe negative thoughts but not get involved in them.  You could also use self-help books - if you can find a good library, you don't have to spend a lot.  I've just remembered a book I found very helpful was "There Is Nothing Wrong With You - Going Beyond Self-Hate" by Cheri Huber.  Learning to be kind and compassionate towards yourself is the best investment you'll ever make.

 

I just bought that book you recommended, it looks great, thank you! I suppose its possible but I cant fathom a day where I am not ashamed and feeling guilty and angry at who I am and have confidence, youre right it would be totally worth it though. 

 

I am being let out of the hospital and back to work on Thursday and going to college in September. I am still so scared of being alone and feeling like **** and depressed. Anyways, I started Wellbutrin again, 150mg and the psychiatrist wants me on 600mg of lithium. I dont understand because its a drug that for huge mood swings or bipolar which i dont have at all. It also requires blood monitoring and can cause severe acne or kidney damage, so I really dont understand why, but he says its because its not an SSRI and I had a bad reaction to an SSRI. I am going to bring it up with my psychiatrist and strongly suggest not being on it, he says to me that both of these drugs have absolutely no withdrawal whatsoever and basically no bad side effects. I actually like this guy but I get pretty angry because I feel like he's not being honest with me, its clearly bullsh*t that theres no withdrawal and side effects are rare, we kind of argued about it and he treated me a bit like I am some crazy anti-vaccine person.

 

I know I am making decisions that cannot be condoned or supported and I should be kicked off the forums. I just want to know if I am irreverably destroying my life, will tinnitus from wellbutrin last forever, will it prevent me from ever being able to cope without drugs and never being able to quit, will lithium destroy my kidney? I cant do life yet on my own, but I want to quit drugs after first year of college and wonder if in 1.5years if it will be too late and I am ruined. 

 

Thanks!

[Songbird]

7 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I just bought that book you recommended, it looks great, thank you! I suppose its possible but I cant fathom a day where I am not ashamed and feeling guilty and angry at who I am and have confidence, youre right it would be totally worth it though. 

 

That's great!  There are lots of good books that you may find helpful, as I have.  I have struggled with low self-esteem my whole life.  I can't say it's ever gone away, but it's certainly improved.  It's something to keep working at because the results are very worthwhile and you feel so much better.

 

One thing to be aware of that I've found is that the drugs can suppress the difficult parts of ourselves, so we can feel like we've been "cured" or "fixed".  Then when we taper down, those troublesome parts can reemerge, maybe even worse than before as a kind of rebound effect when we're in withdrawal.  Something to keep in mind so you're aware of what's going on it if/when it happens.

 

7 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

he says to me that both of these drugs have absolutely no withdrawal whatsoever and basically no bad side effects. I actually like this guy but I get pretty angry because I feel like he's not being honest with me, its clearly bullsh*t that theres no withdrawal and side effects are rare, we kind of argued about it and he treated me a bit like I am some crazy anti-vaccine person.

 

Yep, clearly some bull there!

 

7 hours ago, ascfgdxz said:

I know I am making decisions that cannot be condoned or supported and I should be kicked off the forums. I just want to know if I am irreverably destroying my life, will tinnitus from wellbutrin last forever, will it prevent me from ever being able to cope without drugs and never being able to quit, will lithium destroy my kidney? I cant do life yet on my own, but I want to quit drugs after first year of college and wonder if in 1.5years if it will be too late and I am ruined. 

 

I don't think you should be kicked off the forum.  But if you decide to use meds, do it for the right reasons, use the med as a tool to help you short-term, don't blindly follow what some p-doc says.  Gather knowledge about those meds so you know what you're dealing with.  We are not a forum for people who want to be on meds, we are for people who want to taper off meds, so when you're ready to taper we can support you with that. 

 

In the meantime, build up your "tool kit" of non-drug techniques - maybe look into the links that Shep posted, such as the online mindulfness training - so that when you taper off meds you'll already have a good tool kit of coping skills in place.

 

Have you already started both the Welbutrin and the lithium?  Is it possible you could try just the Welbutrin for a while and see if that helps by itself, rather than starting two drugs at once?  If you introduce two things at the same time it can be hard to tell which one caused what effect.

[ascfgdxz]

51 minutes ago, Songbird said:

drugs can suppress the difficult parts of ourselves, so we can feel like we've been "cured" or "fixed".  Then when we taper down, those troublesome parts can reemerge, maybe even worse than before as a kind of rebound effect

This scares me but thanks for the heads up.

 

52 minutes ago, Songbird said:

I can't say it's ever gone away, but it's certainly improved

Do you think that its very difficult to have normal healthy self esteem ever again after being so negative for so long?

 

53 minutes ago, Songbird said:

build up your "tool kit" of non-drug techniques - maybe look into the links that Shep posted, such as the online mindulfness training

For sure

 

54 minutes ago, Songbird said:

Have you already started both the Welbutrin and the lithium?  Is it possible you could try just the Welbutrin for a while and see if that helps by itself, rather than starting two drugs at once?  If you introduce two things at the same time it can be hard to tell which one caused what effect.

I dot want to take lithium because it has much worse side effects and can destroy your liver and thyroid and it requires blood monitoring. So I didnt take it and I dont think I will, I will tell the doctor about it. Thanks for the reply

[Songbird]

26 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

This scares me but thanks for the heads up.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to scare you!  More to forewarn you so if it happens you'll understand why, and already have your coping toolkit in place to deal with it.

 

26 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

Do you think that its very difficult to have normal healthy self esteem ever again after being so negative for so long?

 

I've found this work has layers.  If you think of an onion, how you can peel one layer and find another beneath.  You work on an issue, and then it comes back later and you think "oh not this again, I thought I'd dealt with this one" and you work on it again, but each time you're working at a deeper layer so you learn and grow a little more.  As for "normal", nobody's perfect, it's more about becoming a better "you".

 

26 minutes ago, ascfgdxz said:

I dot want to take lithium because it has much worse side effects and can destroy your liver and thyroid and it requires blood monitoring. So I didnt take it and I dont think I will, I will tell the doctor about it. 

 

So just Welbutrin for now?  Your signature says lithium, so if you're not taking it, would be a good idea to remove it from your signature.  Please keep us updated on how you're doing.