Fightinghard: overcoming

[Fightinghard]

So I’m in a different phase right now.  I came back Monday from the beach and I’ve just felt different.   Its like a new phase and I’m not sure if it’s a window or wave or both... 
 

My current symptoms:

 

-insomnia/broken sleep/ cortisol spikes at early morning.  So I’m still waking up about 4-5 hours after I fall asleep and then I’m awake an hour or 2 and fall back asleep maybe 2 hours.  I’d guess I’m sleeping 5-7 hours most nights. The big difference the last few days is I’m not having the awful anxiety.  It’s almost gone.  I have felt melancholy or just off but not that extreme anxiety fear, etc.  

 

-anxiety- besides the AM changes this has been also different.  I typically was getting anxiety in the afternoons around 3-4 with a tight chest and general discomfort.  It would last into the evening.  I’ve had very little of this the past few days.  Tuesday evening around 7pm I had to go pick up some groceries.  When in was sitting waiting for them I thought to myself ‘ you’re not anxious right now worrying how this will throw off your nighttime routine’.  I was actually searching up things and not thinking about it.  It was weird. 
depression-  I’ve woken up with what I would say is melancholy but not intense depression like I’ve had. 

noise sensitivity-   Definitely very little of this. Much better;  not gone yet but less noticeable.  

hunger-this one is strange to me and it fluctuates throughout the day.  I’m not sure if it’s really a form of anxiety or I’m truly hungry.  I’ll be very hungry in the AM and by evening it kind of diminishes where I eat very little dinner.  

tics/twitches-  occasionally there but rarely do I notice this. 

heavy feeling in my head- I’m not sure what I’m feeling.  Early on I definitely had the brain fog.  This is more of a heavy feeling with some tingling maybe?  Today is the first day;  I’m guessing by this afternoon is gone. 
 

Neuroemotions- they still show up sometimes but the intensity is far less.

 

libido-  this seems to be improving overall.  Let me preface this by saying I’m happily married and I love my wife.  But  I’ve noticed I’m appreciating attractive women again. In an innocent way of course. It’s kind of like I noticed someone and then thought  ‘that’s weird, it’s been awhile since I’ve thought that’.   
 

motivation-  I’m not what I was preADs and WD but is far Better than July and august.  
 

symptoms that are gone:  parathesias, brain fog, memory/cognition ( I think I’m still off but it’s probably lack of sleep versus WD), wasting/weight loss, loss of pleasure/feelings (still not perfect but not an issue), fatigue ( I’m tired but not that overwhelming fatigue), ruminating thoughts, intrusive  thoughts, nightmares. 
 

So my overall assessment and guess is my symptoms are really starting to improve overall.  The past 2 days I teetered on the feelings of being more ‘normal’.  It’s not been the clear window normal but I’m spending more time with thoughts that aren’t WD related.   It seems that my cortisol levels are dropping which is reducing many of my symptoms.  I’ve been able to laugh and joke and be in the moment more the past few days.  I feel very’ fragile’ meaning I’m feeling better but I can easily be pushed backwards. It’s weird because I don’t know if I’d say it’s the best I’ve felt but I will say it’s the most different I’ve felt.   This is all happening during a very stressful time.  The pandemic alone is challenging for us all. For me, my work stress is through the roof, my father in law was diagnosed with prostate cancer, my grandmother passed and I missed the funeral because of COVID and the list keeps going.  I’m impressed I’m actually making progress with all this happening. 

 

 

I’m hoping this is me turning the corner and my recovery really starts to pick up. It’s a nice change not having the constant anxiety and especially in the morning.  I took my last pill on July 4th.  This Friday will be 5 months.  I’ve slowly improved each month. Today I’m much better than I was in July and august.  I’m looking forward to the day I wake up to a cup of coffee and go for a work out....  or when my evenings are calmer and less structured.  I’m not sure when this will happen but I’m closer this week than last week. 
 

One last thing, I’ve stopped my vitamin C since Monday.  Not sure if this is helping my anxiety or not but it seems like it is. I only take magnesium and fish oil and melatonin.  I’m actually going to stop melatonin next week or so.  Just to see what happens.   After my melatonin experiment I’ll then reduce magnesium. I’ve been taking these things since early on and I really don’t know what is doing what.  So in figure remove then one by one and see what happens. 
 

 

 

 

[mstimc]

5 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

 But  I’ve noticed I’m appreciating attractive women again. In an innocent way of course. It’s kind of like I noticed someone and then thought  ‘that’s weird, it’s been awhile since I’ve thought that’.   

Ok, true confession time, I've always had a crush on actresses with overbites! 😁  Jaime Lee Curtis was my favorite when I was younger, but Gene Tierney takes the cake.  Holy cow, when Dana Andrews kissed her on the choppers in "Laura".  Whosh!  And yes, I confessed my obsession to my straight-toothed wife.  She thinks I'm nuts.

 

Seriously, it sounds like you're making great progress, with emotions returning and your mind not looking for the next problem. I knew I was recovering when I realized a little change to my routine didn't shake me up.  I think the change in feeling hungry is normal as well.  Its all just part of your recovery.

 

You have so much to be proud of--you're gaining strength and wisdom every day!

 

 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimcLol!  I guess these drugs really affect us in weird ways!  
 

i do think I’m making progress.  I think what I’m really noticing is my anxiety decreasing in intensity.  So even though my sleep is still affected, I wake up at 2-3 am, the intensity of my anxiety at that time is minimal.  Last night I actually felt like I was having more of a pre AD WD wake up night.  I have work stress and it woke me up... I haven’t had the fear and doom and gloom the past week.  During the day I’ve had much less time with a tight chest and anxiety.  I’m actually more tired than I’ve been maybe because of lower cortisol?  Regardless, I’ll fight through this. I guess i can say that at minimum my symptoms aren’t worse. Really I’ve had no new symptoms I can think of.  The symptoms I’ve had are either gone or less intense from when they started.  Even the insomnia/evening wake ups are better than when this started.  They are not the best it’s been but still not the worst.  
 

So I don’t feel great this morning.  I’m frustrated that I’m still fighting this sleep and that I’ll have to push through another day feeling tired and just off.   But I am making progress.  I’m fortunate like I said many of my other symptoms are really minimal and very manageable.  I’m spending more time with other thoughts and emotions.  Time is my friend. I’m 5 months off lexapro today.  I’m 7 months off buspirone.  I’ll keep moving forward.  My focus right now is clear; my family, my recovery and my job.  

 

 

One last thought; I go through moments in the day when I think ‘I have to get off the Internet and all things WD related’.  We’ve messaged about this and how getting away from triggers, etc is sometimes necessary.   I think for me those feelings are more and more lately. I go through cycles of it but it reinforces to me that the reason there aren’t more success stories is that people want to separate from this experience as soon as they can and once they do there’s no reason to come back. I’m subtly doing this with other support resources.  It’s clear many people do this when they get better.  This helps me realize that the lack of a success story is not a lack of success.  As wordy as I am these days I’m sure I’ll be here for awhile longer!  
 

 

 

 

[mstimc]

After a little more than a year on Paxilprogress, I cut down on posting as well, and when I did I mostly kept to the social forum instead of symptoms and recovery.  At that point, I didn't need daily reminders of my own issues.  After several years in recovery, I've been able to come to SA and help those on the journey, but even now some things can be triggering.  We all suffer uniquely, and we all recover uniquely.  The important thing is how well the journey works for you!

[Fightinghard]

I remember reading when you’re ina wave you’ll feel like you’re never going to get better... how true that is.  This morning I’m in a wave.  High anxiety, poor sleep last night and just feeling bad.  
Yesterday was a nice window for most of the day. I slept 6:30 straight which was a nice treat. I went for an hour walk with my wife, did some outside chores, had lunch and watched football with my inlaws.  I laughed and joked with some of my neighbors.  I felt pretty good with some periods of ‘normal’ in there.  Symptoms were minimal.  Maybe some chest tightness in the afternoon but very minimal.  I do struggle with ‘how to feel’ when things are calm. Its like I’m waiting for a bad feeling. If i stay busy I’m just feeling good.  As usual, when i feel better, i tend to push my limits and change my routines.  Last night i had take out for dinner later than usual.  It was almost 8 by the time i cleaned up.  I felt decent;  not much anxiety but it pushed my whole routine off.  I also ‘dozed off’ for several minutes later in the afternoon. So last night was back to a bad night.  Probably 4ish hours and then slept on and off for 2-3 hours.  Lighter sleep.  My anxiety was higher and I’m guessing my cortisol was high.  The next window i have I’ll be sure to stick to my schedule.  I think until my nervous system is stronger i have to stay as regimented as possible.  I know it will get better.  I think if i can string better sleep together for a stretch it will really help my healing. 

 

I’m encouraged by yesterday’s window.  When i review this week i probably had 2 or 3 days with since windows where i was feeling better.  My recovery has been more shorter windows throughout.  Early on in would get maybe a day every week or 2 that was a solid window with another few short windows throughout. Recently I’ve been getting the full day windows probably weekly and I’m getting periodic shorter windows more often.  My sleep is still very erratic but my total sleep time over the past month has gone up to where most nights I’m getting 5-7 hours.  If i didn’t go backwards with my vacation I think that would be even better.  
 

I know I’ll get better.  Even when it doesn’t feel that way. 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting.  I think what you're feeling are the normal ups and downs of life, magnified  by WD.  What's really impressive is that you're able to maintain your perspective and accept that waves will come.  But its only one day in your life and the next one may be better.  Keeping your routine as much as possible, at least for the near future, will really help.  Eventually, you'll be able to deal with disruptions better. 

 

Waiting for the "bad feeling" is also typical of WD.  We get so used to anxious thinking we almost want a new problem to worry about.  This goes to the idea that the universe sends us what we're seeking, even if what we're seeking is something we don't want.  For some reason, its just so difficult to accept that we don't have to worry about what's coming next, and that its okay to feel okay.  

 

I think your posts are great and will be empowering to others who are struggling.  One really negative product of modern US culture is that we expect  to solve every problem right now.  I think that's why there are so many SSRI and Benzo prescriptions written--they offer a quick fix.  That's why a wave seems so devastating.  Real recovery and true strength take time and effort to achieve, but its the best--really the only--way to deal with behavioral issues. 

 

Be easy on yourself and have a great Sunday!

 

 

[Jennings]

Hey fighting, 

 

You are right, when in a wave it feels like this moment is forever.

 

You got this and it will pass.

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Early on when I’d post I’d be completely looking for reassurance. I was scared and in a really bad place. As time has moved on, now i really think when I post I’m writing to myself.  Convincing myself I’ll be better and I’m improving.  The  ‘You have to see it, to be it’ thought.  Every night i write down what I’m grateful for and also what my day has been like.  I believe firmly i have the choice with how to view this situation.  I’m not saying i don’t get tired and frustrated everyday but i know that if i think i am doing better, well than i am doing better.  I think you hit it on the head;  I’m going through the normal life ups and Downs but they are magnified by WD.  I am recovering.  I can see it. 
 

You make an excellent point about society’s desire for a quick fix. The truth of the matter is an anxiety disorder is a cognitive problem not a ‘chemical’ problem but very few people want to put in the work.  I’ve worked really hard for the past 8 months with therapy and also with surrendering to my anxiety.  I just said to my wife this morning that my ‘natural’ anxiety is so much better and i really can’t wait for WD to end so i can really see how far I’ve come.  Truly the formula is easy; eat healthy, exercise (walking or more), reframe, stay away from ‘what if’ statements and understand that your anxiety will never hurt you so just let it be.  It takes time and effort but i guarantee you if i started this work on April 18th instead of all the meds, I’d be in a much better place.  It is what it is and i can’t change it. 
 

Your responses are always positive and encouraging.  I Appreciate you helping me stay on course during this complicated journey.  Thanks!  
 

 

[mstimc]

Its the least I can do, Fighting.  I know what its like to deal with all the overwhelming thoughts and emotions in WD, and I can totally reassure you recovery will come!

 

[Fightinghard]

I’m feeling more and more ‘normal’. Not necessarily good. But I’m feeling like myself.  More Like I’m going through a tough situation and I’m feeling bad.   WD, pandemic, kids, work all add up to intense stress which anyone would react to.  My good friend @mstimc suggested that I’m probably going through normal stresses that WD is magnifying.  I think he’s right.  That all said, my overall symptoms have diminished the past few days. And when I really reflect back several months ago they’ve really dropped off.  I think With the remaining ones I’m in a windows and waves pattern. I don’t think I’ve noticed the noise sensitivity the past few days.  Tics are minimal.  Anxiety has been higher but it’s more natural.  No chest tightness the past 2 days, cognition and memory are ok (although the lack of sleep doesn’t help) , no heart palpitations or pounding heart.  Last night my sleep was definitely bad for me.  In bed at 9:15 but probably awake at 1:45-2?  I could not fall back to sleep.  But going into last night, after a stressful day, I felt ‘amped up’. I was very awake but not in the ways I used to feel a few months ago.  I had some anxiety from the day.  Like i mentioned waves and windows well my sleep is the primary symptom I’m seeing it with. Overall, even though i haven’t slept well, i don’t feel as bad as i did back in the summer or September.  I feel tired and not great but it’s not as intense.  I know the day will pass and i won’t go crazy or something.  On days like today I literally focus hour to hour.  
 

I’ve been practicing the Claire Weeks techniques for anxiety for several months. I’ve also found a podcast and book called the anxious truth that follows her principles.  My plan is to really work hard following these principles while continuing my path of recovery.  Eating right, reducing stress, walking and trying to do pleasurable things with my family.  I’m really encouraged by the improvements with symptoms even though my insomnia is still tough. I’ll get there.   I’m hoping tonight is good sleep.  I’m taking today lightly.  
 

 

[mstimc]

Another great post, Fighting!  One day at a time.  I've read and used Weeks' techniques as well as found them really helpful.   Sleep always seems to be the last thing to settle down and return to normal--maybe because its a result of dealing with stressors from the day.  But it sounds like you're doing a great job dealing with it.  I think you're well on your way!

[Fightinghard]

Here comes a wave.  I had several really solid days of windows.  Not perfect but days of feeling better and more ‘normal’.  Yesterday evening and into the night was tough. It was probably the worst evening of anxiety I’ve had in months and definitely the worst at bedtime I’ve had since July or august.  I think i know what triggered it.  
 

I’ve got a few culprits. One is I ate a small piece of chocolate around 1:45pm. I had read how good dark chocolate was for you and i thought I’d try a little.  I was feeling better and my mind was telling me I’m almost there so try some normal things.  I actually tried a smaller piece on Wednesday as well.  Looking back to Wednesday night my anxiety was higher but not anything that was alarming.   I also ate the chocolate earlier in the day on Wednesday compared to yesterday.  Anyway i was thinking try small amounts and i probably had the equivalent to 2 rectangles of a Hershey bar.  Not a ton.
 

I also had a dentist appointment at 3pm for a tooth that’s been bothering me.  It’s not horrible but i know i better get it looked at. The verdict was I’ll need a root canal so i see a specialist today. I also had a really long conversation with s coworker about AD’s and his fiancé who just started Zoloft.  He knew my situation so we talked for at least an hour.  Plus I worked... I’m thinking the caffeine in the chocolate was enough to set me off last night and these other things didn’t help. What was really interesting for me was last nights anxiety was very physical like early on in this journey.  My arms and legs felt ‘uneasy’ and my chest had discomfort. I was ‘hungry’ and just uncomfortable.  Normally I’m in bed and sleep by 9:30-10.  Last night I’m guessing it wasn’t until after midnight before i fell asleep.  When in tried to go to bed around 9 or so i Started to doze off and then the hypnic jerks started.  Probably had 2 or 3 of them.   I haven’t really had them much at all lately so i could tell something was different.  They woke me up and then my physical anxiety ramped up. my mind was not ruminating about any thing really.  Typically when I’ve had anxiety in the evenings I’ve had more emotional thoughts and my mind would race.  Last night was really primarily physical. That’s why I’m thinking chocolate.  It reminded me of how i was feeling on vacation in the evenings but to a lesser extent.  There i attributed it to the hot tube.  Also a physical stimulation of the nervous system versus emotional.  
 

Anyway i finally calmed down around midnight and slept until 4:45?  Cumulatively probably 4-5 hours of sleep?  It was a bad night for sure.  
 

So I’ve learned 2 things from this; 1 is i really need to not physically stimulate my nervous system with food or out of the ordinary activity.  I’m definitely still in WD and very fragile.  To that point, I’ve learned that truly the normal anxiety i experience is impacted greatly by WD and that over time this will subside to where i eventually have my ‘normal’ anxiety to address.  I’ll keep working on it but I think for me i need to understand this so I’m less anxious about my anxiety. 
 

This morning my anxiety is fairly low.  Back in July or August after a night like this I’d wake up with pretty high anxiety.  So I’m hoping this is a good sign that the caffeine is out of my system and that my nervous system is calming down.  I’ll take it easy today as best i can.  I keep reminding myself, waves and windows.  3 steps forward, 4 steps back, etc.  it is hard when you start to feel a little better and then you step backwards.  But i guess that’s the nature of this recovery.  Hopefully I’ll get back to a window quickly.  

 

This journey is so hard.  It almost seems like the more you feel better the harder it is when you don’t. Enventually the bad WD days will go away. Honestly, right now, I’m exhausted and not feeling great.  But i don’t have anxiety and really any other symptoms to speak of. So maybe my day will end up in s as windows And I’ll get back on track.  I know it will get better.   
 

 

 

 

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Fightinghard said:

This journey is so hard.  It almost seems like the more you feel better the harder it is when you don’t. Enventually the bad WD days will go away. Honestly, right now, I’m exhausted and not feeling great.  But i don’t have anxiety and really any other symptoms to speak of. So maybe my day will end up in s as windows And I’ll get back on track.  I know it will get better.

Fighting, what you say is so true and the most difficult part of accepting the reality of WD and recovery. Even as we improve, small things can be quite challenging.  It takes a lot of courage to stretch your limits, and its inevitable you'll run into the occasional setback, but that's the only way to get back to normal--however you choose to define it.  

 

BTW, I'm right there with you with the dental issues.  I had an implant about six years ago and now I've got bone loss around it, resulting in erratic sensitivity.  I saw an oral surgeon Wednesday who cleaned around it and inserted an antiseptic/anesthetic "chip" under my gum that should help get me past the holidays, but eventually I'll need a new implant.  As for root canals, I've had a ton.  One of the effects of anxiety is tooth grinding and mine was so bad I cracked five teeth.  I went so often they gave me a volume discount! 😁  

[Fightinghard]

So you bring up a great point and honestly a topic my wife and i were just’ debating’. She thinks i need to stop over analyzing why i had a bad night.  Her thought is it’s justa bad night and move on.  My point is that i know chocolate/caffeine can cause anxiety so if i had some i want to be sure not to repeat it.  She kind of thinks i should just eat some when i want it. My point is i don’t need chocolate so why even risk it. She thinks I’m associating things and then causing anxiety... I’m so confused.  I can agree with her but i also know that there is truth to caffeine causing issues with WD.  My gut says stay away from caffeine in all forms until I’m really consistently in a window.  Then try a small amount. What was your approach?

 

 Sorry to great about your issues with your teeth!  That’s tough!   It sounds like a complicated issue to manage.  I hope it goes well for you.   I actually have a mouth guard i used to wear religiously but since WD it’s caused me some ‘panic’ so i stopped wearing it. I think the grinding led to my issue.  I’m going to initiate wearing it again. We’ll see. 

[mstimc]

I think its natural to try to figure out what's driving anxiety episodes.  As long as the object is to recognize triggers and deal with them, you're good.  If the object is to avoid them at all costs, then avoidance itself becomes a manifestation of anxiety, and you can start worrying about what may or may not be a trigger.  As you posted earlier, that can get you into the trap of anticipating your next anxiety cycle instead of enjoying a window.   Anxiety is sneaky and is always looking for a way to lure you back to negative behavior.

 

As for the mouth guard, if you can, wear it.  Based on my experience, it'll save you a lot of grief down the road! 

[Fightinghard]

It’s so amazing the ups and downs or the windows and waves of WD.  I posted Friday morning about a tough night with physical anxiety feeling.  Restlessness with my legs and arms with some hunger.  Well last night was round 2.  A little less intense going to bed but probably a little worse when i woke up at 3:15.  I concluded this is really no different than the emotional anxiety i was getting in the past. In a similar pattern my anxiety this morning is low.  My body feels tired. Especially my legs.  Considering i had it worse in my legs it makes sense.  To combat it in took some magnesium and fish oil and used my weighted blanket.  It seemed to help some. 
 

I’ve had a busy few days since Friday. I ended up having a root canal Friday morning.  All went well.  I then had my typical day.  Worked some, Took my son to practice, helped cook, and then early to bed.  I think i slept a total of almost 9 hours?  Woke up once after about 5-6 hours and then fell back to sleep for 3-4.  That’s the most I’ve slept in months! Saturday i got my flu shot.  I was scared to get it during WD but decided i needed to. That went well. Saturday was typical these days. Errands and simple things around home.  Saturday night my sleep was lighter but i would guess i was around 7 hours with a few wake ups.  The encouraging thing is my anxiety was low both days in the morning which allowed me to fall back to sleep. Yesterday i had a complete day. Fixed a few drains in my bathrooms, took my son driving (now that’s anxiety!), took  my hour walk, cooked dinner, watched football and took my daughter to see some Christmas lights. When i was watching football I think i dozed off about 10-15 minutes. I’m trying my hardest not to associate the day with my evening anxiety but naps seem to raise my anxiety the rest of the day.  

On so many levels i feel like my mind and personality is getting closer to normal. Obviously during a wave like today it’s harder and not the best. The intrusive thoughts set it... will i get better?  Etc. i know i will.  I just don’t know when.  The thing i know for certain is I’m closer than i was a week ago and a month ago.  Time is my friend. I’m closing in on 6 months of WD.  Today is estimate I’m 30-40% better. At least that’s today.  I know a window will come. 
 

 

 

[mstimc]

27 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

The intrusive thoughts set it... will i get better?  Etc. i know i will.  I just don’t know when.  The thing i know for certain is I’m closer than i was a week ago and a month ago.  Time is my friend. I’m closing in on 6 months of WD.  Today is estimate I’m 30-40% better. At least that’s today.  I know a window will come. 

Hi Fighting

I think recovery from WD is a lot like recovery from surgery.  Is it really okay to go running on that bum knee?  There is a natural--and prudent--tendency toward caution.  As you get more confident in your recovery the uncertainty should fade.   You should be justifiably proud of the progress you've made in just six months!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc   Very appropriate analogy.  And one i needed to hear.  Thank you. 
 

Back in September i went to some friends house in the evening and in had a terrible night sleep. Panic, anxiety and doom and gloom. I was exhausted the next day. Todayi feel similar.  A long busy weekend that ended with the bright lightsand music from Christmas probably triggered me. Eventually I’ll get there where i can do more.  Fortunately from a work standpoint today is light. 
 

I’ve really been focusing on my GAD.  Truly, what I’m going through now is 1000 times worse than any anxiety I’ve ever felt. So I don’t think most of what I’m feeling is organic anxiety.  But i do think how i react to it should be the same. So every time i have anxiety of any kind i basically surrender to it. I think long term this will help with secondary anxiety from the anxiety.  Other than this morning i do think this has helped in my day to day management of anxiety. 
 

Some great advice i was given was I may be in pain, but in don’t have to suffer. The same person also told me there is a profound difference between telling yourself you can’t do something and telling yourself you don’t want to do something. Can’t invokes fear. I chose not to drink coffee not because I can’t but Because i don’t want to. 
 

I’m hoping in another 6 months I’m closer to being ‘normal’.  I think i will be.  I know I’ll continue to have good and bad days. Hopefully i continue to have more and more good days. 

 

 

[Fightinghard]

This current wave is interesting.  It brings me back to September or earlier.   My anxiety is as high as is been since then.  This is just the normal pattern of WD.  2 steps forward, 3 steps back.  As a whole, since the start of December,  my anxiety had really decreased.  Generally the intensity was much less and in some instances gone.  So much so i wasn’t sure how to react to that!  Well it’s back with a vengeance!  Last night i slept 4-5 hours and they tried to fall back to sleep.  I did for maybe an hour but had some intense bad dreams.  More disturbing but nota  nightmare.  It’s been awhile since I’ve had something that intense. My morning anxiety is high for sure.  I’m not sure if something triggered this or if ‘it is what it is’ but either way it kind of sucks.  My work stress is high so I’m sure that plays a roll.   But i know it will pass like it did before.  If i stick with the basics for me, I’ll get through it and I’ll enter a new window at some point.  Focus on my family, friends, stress reduction, light walking, eating right, sleeping the best i can and practicing my anxiety coping techniques like breathing and meditation.  
 

I’m really thankful for this site. The peer mentoring and success stories have been critical for me in this process. I’m still not’ strong enough’ to offer much support for others yet. I find I’m triggered somewhat easily these days so my thought is i can help just by sharing my story.  I know for me reading other people’s journeys really helps me stay focused.  I stick with the success stories for the most part these days but i definitely check in from time to time on others.  I wish everyone continued healing during this difficult journey.  For me, the most important mindset has been to push forward. As bad as i feel or think i can’t do something, i forge ahead.  My greatest takeaway from the successes I’ve read isn’t the amount of time they took the drugs or how many they are on or whether they CT’d or tapered.  To me its the resilience and commitment to get through the journey.  They all struggled but find ways to get on with life.  It’s easier said than done but it inspires me and frankly is the only thing i can control in this process; how I’m going to react to it.  So I’ve stopped looking for ‘cases like mine’.  Looking for how long it took them to recover.   At this point all i can do is face it and push through each hour, each day and each week using my strategies to cope.  Recovery is happening.  

[mstimc]

7 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

 To me its the resilience and commitment to get through the journey.  They all struggled but find ways to get on with life.  It’s easier said than done but it inspires me and frankly is the only thing i can control in this process; how I’m going to react to it.  So I’ve stopped looking for ‘cases like mine’.  Looking for how long it took them to recover.   At this point all i can do is face it and push through each hour, each day and each week using my strategies to cope.  Recovery is happening.  

Hi Fighting

 

This is so very important.  Early in my WD I made the mistake of comparing my progress to others.  One of two things happened: 1) I got discouraged when others seemed to be making more progress than me or 2) I read too many stories of others being stuck where they were and doubted my own recovery.  Just like WD creates a unique set of symptoms and suffering for each of us, our recovery trajectory is unique as well.   There is no timeline or schedule, but recovery does come.

 

I know lots of people--including me--who have increased anxiety during the holiday season.   All the activity, noise, etc. can really throw us off, especially if we feel we "should be" happy and we're not feeling it.  Your wave will pass regardless of the trigger and you'll be in a wave before you know it!

[mva96]

Hi fighting, I've been following/reading your progress and have definitely found it helpful. Coming of these drugs is challenging but seeing everyone's stories of how they are powering through and succeeding shows it's possible, just slow and often painful. I relate to alot of your symptoms and want to you know i'm here cheering you on 😃  We will all get there eventually, i've realised i can't really trust my brain during this process.

[Fightinghard]

I guess I’d say I’m still in this wave. Yesterday i had a few moments that were ok but as a whole it’s been a tough week so far.  My cortisol seems high this week especially in the evenings. It’s probably on par with my nights when I started WD.  Tuesday night i actually slept decent overall.  I woke up once and maybe slept for 7 hours total?  That’s progress.  Last night though was a hard one. I had my high anxiety/cortisol all evening and sleep was very broken.  Woke up at least 2 times to use the bathroom.  I probably slept 6 hours of broken sleep. That’s still better that months so but it didn’t feel that way this morning.  
 

Yesterday i had a light day with work. No travel so i was able to take a long walk in nature.  It’s cold here and we’ve had snow so it was actually very beautiful and calming to walk in. It was nice to actually notice the beauty and appreciate it.  I probably walked closer to 3 or so miles in addition to my regular walk with my wife which is probably 2 miles.  I really don’t think this caused any issues last night.  I’ve been walking since this started and most days probably 4 miles.  So I’ll continue my routine of walking.  
 

The other thing was i meditated in the afternoon.  I tried to just relax yesterday as much as possible knowing my cortisol and anxiety has been high.  I don’t believe i fell asleep doing this but i came close.  Kind of in and out.  I’ve found when i nap my evenings are tough with higher cortisol and anxiety.  Maybe this triggered it.  Or maybe it is what it is.  I’m in a wave and it will get better.  
 

I’m not feeling good this morning but relatively my anxiety and cortisol seems lower.  I’m hoping to get through my work day and get home to try to enjoy time with my family.  It’s hard to do in this state.   I’ll be ok.  My trend the past week is good sleep one night, bad sleep the next.  The bad nights I’m still getting longer total times asleep but just broken and light.  This was my pattern really early on I believe I’m actually being more sleep overall though.    
 

I’ll keep pushing through. 

[mstimc]

You'll make it into  a window, soon, Fighting.  As long as you maintain and embrace a positive attitude, no wave can control you!

[Fightinghard]

I’ve really come to appreciate what windows and waves are and how we heal in a non linear fashion.  I’m coming to terms with the idea that even though I’ve taken steps backwards in terms of how i feel I’m really taking steps forward in my recovery. 
 

Eventually I’ll get there. Almost 6 months in to this.  I’m shocked it’s been that long. I hope i get through this anxiety wave and I’m on the home stretch but  who knows.  Here’s to a good windows soon!

[Fightinghard]

I’ve had an interesting few days.  Kind of a mix of ups and downs.  Ive had a a few nights of decent sleep.  Maybe 5-6 or more hours straight and then back to sleep another hour?  One night i may have almost hit 7 hours straight.  My mornings had more of a anxiety, doom and gloom feelings theme.  Some brain fog and general blah feeling.  Low energy and motivation. Mixed with it were some windows.  Saturday evening i had a nice window.  It was a clear window for several hours leading up to bed.  Recently my windows have been more about less symptoms than feeling good.  Saturday night i was feeling pretty good with very few symptoms other than tired. 
 

Yesterday was an ok day.  I had the down feelings and some low motivation but i muscled through.  I took a long walk with my wife as usual. Did some cooking, grocery shopping and watched some football. I was interested in watching which some days I’m not.  I was also fairly focused on my fantasy football team and players texting with friends all day about it.  I’m glad I’m more interested now.  It’s not forced like it was.  But as the day rolled on i noticed my anxiety and irritability increasing.  We’ve had all kinds of WiFi issues with printers and such and i spent several hours trying to fix it to no avail.  I ate some higher carb meals which I’d been avoiding and i made the mistake of watching somebof the nightly news here.   All the coronavirus negativity on top of the frustrating time i had trying to fix my wifi  ended up with a poor night sleep.  I’m always looking for reasons my sleep is bad or why I’m in a wave but I do wonder sometimes if it’s just what it is.  Last night was one of those nights where I woke up after 3-4 hours and was almost panicked about social isolation and my family and all the impact this coronavirus is having.  That feeling of despair and doom. I believe my concerns were ‘normal’ but my neuro emotions surrounding it were excessive.  I eventually calmed down and slept another hour maybe.  I haven’t had a night with emotional anxiety like that in awhile. Last weekend it was a ‘physical’ anxiety with restlessness and hunger.  So I’m able to rationalize that aspect of it while it’s happening.  I surrender to the feelings and thoughts and try to let them just be there. It’s hard but what other choice is there?  
 

Today I’ll do my best to accept whatever symptoms are present and let them float.  Be gentle but also live my life. I still struggle greatly with how much to push with things like exercise.  I’m not under any illusion that i should go back full steam to high intense workouts but should i do more that just walks? Get endorphins going?  Im realizing i fear waves so much that i avoid things like exercise or coffee and i really can’t say for sure they cause me problems.  I can deal with no coffee until i heal.  The exercise though seems like it could help me heal.  Maybe I’ll step it up very slowly again with light lifting. Simple push-ups and Situps. I think because I’ve read too many bad stories of people entering long waves from different triggers I’m fearful.  This only increases anxiety and adds to my symptoms.  It’s a crazy vicious cycle.  I get anxious about my WD which makes my WD worse.  I’m working hard on it with accepting it and surrendering to it.  
 I’m definitely in a windows and waves healing pattern.  It’s not as clear as 1 good week and one bad week but i have periods of good and bad for sure.  I haven’t listed symptoms lately so here’s my current ones:  

-insomnia/early morning cortisol

 -mild brain fog/memory and cognition impact

-anxiety

-low motivation

-sadness and melancholy

-easily stimulated.  I have to be careful what i do leading up to bed.  No emotional things or stimulating shows.  I avoid TV in the evening.  I read some and do puzzles.  Meditate.  

 

 hunger is slowing down some again.  Noise sensitivity is all but gone. Nervous tics are also rare now.  Im hoping the cortisol levels drop soon and some of this doom and gloom calms down.  I had a few mornings of low morning anxiety, etc   That was nice. 
 

I’ll keep pushing forward hoping for longer and longer windows.  I’ve been encouraged my sleep has been doing better overall. Sometimes it’s hard to measure or see progress in this journey but i know each day is 1 step closer to being healed.  

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

I think these are trying times for everyone.  Way back in March, nobody thought the pandemic would still be here, and even worse than it was then.  Last Thursday, our son flew from Detroit to LAX to see the family, and it was nerve-wracking for us.  Fortunately, both airports were practically deserted and the flight went well, but its natural to worry.  The alternative for him would have been to spend the holidays alone in an apartment, and that could be emotionally devastating.  Having Congress dither on a relief package certainly hasn't helped either.  

2 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

 Im realizing i fear waves so much that i avoid things like exercise or coffee and i really can’t say for sure they cause me problems.  I can deal with no coffee until i heal.  The exercise though seems like it could help me heal.  

Waves are a natural part of the healing process and sometimes there is no cause other than your brain resetting another set of internal circuits (that's my mental picture for it anyway).  It might be helpful to focus on calming and support instead of looking for triggers.  You seem to have some very effective coping methods, so build on those, and accept that waves may come with no trigger at all.  And remember, accepting isn't a matter of "working hard", because that in itself is a trigger.   Accepting is just that, knowing it'll come but has only the power we give it.  As you say, let it float past!

[Fightinghard]

Wow.  That has to be hard as a parent.  I’m glad it worked out for him.  Just so you know, as a Buckeye, I’ll give your son a pass for attending that school up north!  What a beautiful campus and great school.  A little cold I’m sure bring from Southern California but a great place to live.   Michigan is an under appreciated state.   
 

 When i was laying there last night in a panic i was able to rationalize that these are hard times and really it’s reasonable to be stressed about it.  I think the severity of it is where it becomes difficult but it is what it is. I spent awhile ‘surrendering’ to the panic feelings and just letting them be.  I didn’t try to rationalize my way out of it once i recognized it was a panic attack.  As bad as it feels they can’t hurt me.  It will get better over time. 
 

Great insight on accepting and your so right!  I’ve been working so hard to accept but that’s not how it works.  I’m really starting to understand what accepting means.  As you eluded to, accepting isn’t a way to make it go away.  You can’t force your way to accept.  Once you get it,  Its like a feeling of calm but it doesn’t relieve the symptoms.   But it does allow you to move forward and not let WD own you.  Its really hard on the bad days but that’s when it’s most important. 
 

i know I’ll have some better days.  For all i know today may turn into a window.  Merry Christmas!

[mstimc]

55 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

You can’t force your way to accept.  Once you get it,  Its like a feeling of calm but it doesn’t relieve the symptoms.   But it does allow you to move forward and not let WD own you.  Its really hard on the bad days but that’s when it’s most important. 

You'll find the symptoms decrease and lose their power as you move into acceptance.  Its almost like having allergies.  They're annoying as hell but not serious.  And you don't stop going outside during allergy season.  You take allergy meds and go about your life.  For WD, you apply acceptance and coping skills and go about your life.  Its so tough because, unlike allergies, there's no external cause.  Its your own thought habits insisting there has to be a problem and a cause for that problem.  It sucks while you're going through it, but it does pass.

 

BTW,  our son did his undergrad in California at UCLA.  So he's only a temporary Michigander! 😁

[Fightinghard]

I love the analogy!  I think I’ve been trying too hard to’ accept’ and it’s almost counterproductive.  I also think I’ve been doing it with the hopes of feeling better.  That really isn’t accepting my symptoms and may just increase my anxiety.  What a challenge this is.  what I’m learning is i can make it less challenging by just letting it be and moving on.  It’sa work in progress but it’s getting better each day.   
 

Good for your son!  What a great school!    Sounds like a great experience for him to spend time in Michigan!  

 

 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

One more thought....remember a few weeks ago I posted the universe sends us what we're looking for?  I think your concern about triggering and hitting another wave falls into this category.  If you are thinking about triggers and waves, they'll find you whether you want them to or not.  Your approach of acceptance and floating, of taking things as they come, will get you through them better than trying to resist or trying to figure them out.  You're doing great!

[Fightinghard]

Excellent point!  Thanks for the reminder!  There are so many moving parts to this.  The natural progression of healing with WD and our reaction to it really decides our outcomes. 
 

 

[Fightinghard]

I thought i should do an update snd check in.  January 4 marks 6 months since I stopped lexapro.   To be honest though, i think part of my WD is from an adverse reaction to my initial dose of Zoloft on April 18.  That said, it really doesn’t matter.  My CNS needs to heal from whatever caused it to go awry.   While I’ve still been checking in here to read the success stories, etc I’ve made a strong effort to try not to focus so much on my WD and really I haven’t had that overwhelming feeling where I’ve needed reassurance or to search symptoms , etc.   I feel like I’m really starting to believe I’ll recover although there are times like now i question it.  This past week or so has been the typical waves and windows.  In some ways, I’m really feeling so much better.  More like myself but not quite 100%.  Actually, probably closer to 50%.  I’m not sure that they are’ windows’ in what I’ve thought a window is but it is encouraging to have some better feelings.  I’ve stopped journaling and recording my symptoms. For me, I felt it wasn’t really beneficial especially during down times and i was just focusing on them.  I do believe my symptoms have improved. Anxiety has generally decreased overall.  It seems to have become less prevalent in the afternoons and generally less intense. My sensitivity to sound has all but disappeared.  Very rarely do i notice it much.  Cognitive/memory  issues remain but they do seem to occur in a windows and waves pattern.  Insomnia has also been a windows and waves pattern.  It’s very erratic.  These past few nights have been rough with 3-4 hours of sleep.  Last week I think i had a night or 2 of 7-8 hours.  Generally I’ve been around 5-6 or so.  I’m assuming I’m just in a wave and it will change here soon.  I do have ‘twitches’ or some body jerking thing going on.  I’ve had it on and off but it’s been worse the past few days. It’s seems to be linked to sleep.  It’s kind of like I get startled and my body jumps.  Again, probably part of this wave.  As far as i know I’m still sensitive to caffeine and exercise since I’ve not tried to push it with either. Hunger is also up and down.  It’s been a little better lately which is good. I do  get the doom and gloom mornings but not all the time and generally less intense.  From a ‘pleasure/interest’ standpoint I’m able to laugh and joke with family and friends.  I still have very little desire to watch tV or a movie.  I rarely listen to music.  I just don’t have a desire and I’m not going to force it like i was.  When the time is right I’ll get back to those things naturally.   My inner ‘restlessness’ feeling i get in my legs and sometimes arms seems to have calmed down.  I might get a very minimal feeling but much less intense. I’d have to say overall my waves have been shorter in duration.  Again I’m not counting the days but it seems like I’ll get more days of feeling OK where symptoms are there but maybe less intense. 
 

So I’m doing my best to hang in there. I’ve said this before but in think when my sleep resolves I’ll start to turn the corner.  There’s times I’m closer and i start  to think about being recovered but then i get hit with a night like last night.  Oh well.   I’ve really been focusing on my anxiety and GAD in general.  Trying to do it in WD poses some challenges but I’ve learned that the practice of acceptance is critical to recovery.  Once you truly get it (which I waver  some here and there) it dose seem to help move forward.  I think once this wave calms down I’ll be in a better place and maybe get a nice extended window.  We’ll see.  Hopefully.  

[mstimc]

3 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

There’s times I’m closer and i start  to think about being recovered but then i get hit with a night like last night.  Oh well.   I’ve really been focusing on my anxiety and GAD in general.  Trying to do it in WD poses some challenges but I’ve learned that the practice of acceptance is critical to recovery.  Once you truly get it (which I waver  some here and there) it dose seem to help move forward.

Hi Fighting

 

You're on the right track.  Dealing with WD and anxiety as one is a lot more effective than trying to separate one from the other, just like trying to manage physical and emotional symptoms separately rarely works.  Telling yourself "I'll be okay once my [insert physical symptom] stops doesn't work, because to a great extent physical issues are a manifestation (or at least an intensification) of your mental state.  I agree--lack of sleep combined with anxious thinking can really cause chaos in your thought patterns and physical state.  Practicing acceptance and telling yourself one bad day does not mean a lifetime of WD symptoms is very empowering.  

 

Happy New Year!

[Fightinghard]

Hi mstimc-

 

Thanks for the encouraging thoughts. This wave and window pattern really is  harder than i anticipated.  Especially when you feel pretty good.  To all of the sudden get hit again and go backwards is just maddening.  But I guess as the saying goes, it is what it is.   If i had written this Sunday or several other days the past few weeks i would have been in the mindset of I’m getting closer to healing.  After last night,  i feel like I’m just beginning.  I know that’s not true.  It just feels that way.   Since time is truly the key in this, I’m happy I’m 6 months into it.  I’m that much closer to recovery.   
 

Happy New Year to you!  Hope you had a nice Christmas.  

[mstimc]

It's times like this your best bet is to look at where you are now compared to six months ago.  Overall, you've made tremendous progress despite occasional setbacks that crop up from time to time.  Time really does heal the wounds.

[Fightinghard]

You taught me early on to remember the windows when I’m in a wave. It was great advice that i continue to follow.   I was feeling pretty good just the other day.  I slept well this past weekend.  I know I’ll get there again.  
 

thanks again!