spagett: 8 years of Lexapro

[spagett]

Howdy everyone,

 

I began taking Lexapro around age 26 (I am now 34), following the death of my mother and graduation from professional school, during a bout of severe anxiety.  I had very normal levels of anxiety until this point in my life.  I believe that major alcohol abuse was also a big factor in the birth of my anxiety disorder.

 

I never took particularly high doses of Lexparo, but I always felt that I was very sensitive to it.

 

reasons for quitting:   After being on it for 8 years, my anxiety often felt just as bad as before I started the pills, plus the whole gamut of problems others report on here. Anhedonia.  No sex drive.  Erectile dysfunction.  The last 8 years of being medicated are truly a blur of pain, dissatisfaction, blaming girlfriends / cities / jobs for my condition, moving all the time.  Right now, I'm deeply disappointed in the self centered and truly mentally ill person I have become.  The breaking point came when a friend visited earlier this year.  I felt so ***** up (still on lexapro).  I felt like my sense of humor was gone, I didn't enjoy anything that we did together, etc.  Well, that, and also I tried dating someone earlier this year and felt so incapable of tender feelings, no libido, and had total erectile dysfunction for the first time in my life.

 

For the last 3 months since I quit, I've been experiencing outbursts of rage like I've never had before in my life.  Like punching walls, breaking things, yanking on my poor dog's neck for no reason (had NEVERR done this before).  Lots of crying (didn't cry while on lexapro, ever).   TONS of thinking about suicide although I'm confident it's not going to actually happen.  My short term memory is *****.  My most crippling problem currently is social anxiety.  It makes life almost unbearable.  It's partially related to not using alcohol anymore, but also just feels so deeply ingrained in me that it's hard to imagine it ever going away.  It was somewhat better when I was still medicated, but still a massive issue.

 

I'm really wavering in my belief of whether my current state could possibly be due to lexapro use / withdrawal, or if I am truly just fubar.  I think nightly about whether I need to go on another medication like wellbutrin.  Of course,  everyone I talk to tells me I need to be on "meds".

 

I found this community because of a clip I came across on youtube, from the Medicating Normal documentary, that really resonated with me.  I cried when the doctor said something about how you could think of drug withdrawal as a brain injury, and that it wouldn't be unreasonable for recovery to take something like 5 years.  I wasn't crying because that sounded so long, but because it just actually sounded reasonable and would explain why I didn't get better during my short break from lexapro a couple years ago.

 

I've been an atheist my whole life, but this last week I've literally been praying to god that I can recover part of who I feel like I'm supposed to be.  My current state is such that I can't imagine having actual friends or a relationship ever again.  There's just too much anxiety and pain.  

 

Well that's it for now.  Apologies it ended up being so long, and thanks for reading.

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, spaghet.

 

Thanks for completing your signature.  Please use the following link to add the date (approximate is fine) of your last dose and what that last dose was.  We need this information to determine if a very small reinstatement of Lexapro might be advisable.  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

You are experiencing withdrawal due to your very fast taper of Lexapro.  The symptoms are caused by the drug, not some intrinsic flaw in you.  You will heal but we can't predict how long it will take.  The symptoms you describe are typical of antidepressant withdrawal.  So that you have a better idea of what you're experiencing, here is some information on withdrawal and the healing process.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  We don't recommend taking a new drug to try to deal with withdrawal from a previous drug.

 

These explain the healing process really well:

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

Reinstatement of a very small dose of the original drug is the only known way to help alleviate withdrawal syndrome.  The only other alternative is to try and wait out the symptoms and manage as best you can until your central nervous system returns to homeostasis.  Unfortunately no one can give you an exact timeline as to when you will start feeling better and while some do recover relatively easily, for others it can take many months or longer.  

 

Reinstatement isn't a guarantee of diminished symptoms for everyone but it's the best tactic available.  You're right at the edge of the time period where reinstatement predictably works, up to 3 months after last dose.  We usually suggest a much smaller reinstatement dose than your last dose.  These drugs are strong, your system has become sensitized and If you take too much it may be too much for your brain.  Then, once you've stabilized on the reinstated  dosage, which can take several months,  you can begin a 10% per month taper down to zero.   Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Please read:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms. -- at least the first page of the topic

 

Once you've given me the information requested above about the size and date of your last dose, we can see if reinstatement would be advisable and give you a suggested reinstatement dose.  Please do not reinstate without giving us the opportunity to suggested a dose.

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can answer my questions, ask your own questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[spagett]

Gridley,

 

Thanks so much for the response.  I'm going to thoroughly check out all the resources you recommend here.  I have to say, I feel pretty strongly that I wouldn't want to dabble with restatement at all.  I tend to get obsessive about things, and having already made it through the first 3 months of withdrawal, I can't handle the thought of going back into the world of thinking about lexapro doseages everyday.  I think I have enough fight left in me to take this on as is.  I hope anyway.  Thank you!

[spagett]

update:

 

I've now been off of lexapro for 4 and a half months.  I also quit caffeine 45 days ago.  I'm not gonna lie, life is a bummer right now.  The worst issue right now, I think, is poor sleep.  I've been having some trouble falling asleep, and then waking up ungodly early.  Like, around 5:30am every morning.  I've never had this problem before.  Last night I slept from 2am - 5:30am.  

 

I had therapy last wednesday and I was very bummed when my therapist, who during our first session said that he was very skeptical of drugs and that he had hardly ever seen anyone who he thought was better off from taking medication, backpedaled and told me I should see a psychiatrist.  Also, a few friends when I've opened up to, instantly ask me if I'm on any "meds".  I'm so tired of hearing about "meds".  I feel like a crazy paranoid flat earther or something, clinging on to this belief that "meds" have actually had a negative impact on me and that I might be going through some kind of healing process right now without them.

 

I also have had such issues with obsessive thoughts the last few weeks.  My therapist told me I have OCD.  This is a new one for me.  I've always been pretty neurotic, but lately it is off the charts.  It's very scary to think about the future right now.  I'm having a hard time being hopeful that I'll ever recover.

 

I have had some windows too, but with this lack of sleep it's hard to think about anything but the negatives today.

[Gridley]

59 minutes ago, spagett said:

I feel like a crazy paranoid flat earther or something, clinging on to this belief that "meds" have actually had a negative impact on me and that I might be going through some kind of healing process right now without them.

 

You are.

 

55 minutes ago, spagett said:

poor sleep

Some members have been helped with Melatonin.  Start with a very small dose like .25mg and see how that works.

 

Melatonin for sleep  

[Colonial]

1 hour ago, spagett said:

I also have had such issues with obsessive thoughts the last few weeks.  My therapist told me I have OCD.  This is a new one for me.

 

Hi Spagett,

 

I never had OCD but my AD withdrawal gave me obsessive-repetitive thoughts as well, some of them a bit disturbing.

Your entire system is in a "fight or flight" reaction and it can cause repetitive thoughts until your cortisol levels drop.

When our system is in over drive, it accidentally "looks" for things to worry about.

We all become Little Linus in the Pumpkin patch spooking ourselves waiting for the Great Pumpkin. "What's that???"  🙂

They will disappear over time, the less attention you give to them the better even though it's difficult as the more you think about them the more they will come back.

You will accidentally create a "mind body" anxiety-thought loop in your brain.  Just know it's normal, and it will pass. 

If someone tried to give you a "New" diagnosis in WD, they mean well, they just don't understand the process.

If you weren't OCD before the WD, You aren't OCD now.

The thoughts and the early waking are both symptoms of the cortisol being raised.

Glad you were able to get off the caffeine, though, that will help.

[spagett]

Thank you for the responses.  It gives me some hope.  It's just wild to think that we here are the one little corner of the world that realizes what all withdrawal entails.

[hayduke]

Just wanted to say props for the Tim and Eric

 

Hope you are doing ok!

[spagett]

Just posting a little update here as I approach the one year off drugs point.  I just read my original entry from one year ago.  It jogs my memory and helps me remember what kind of state I was really in back then.  It's kind of wild what a bad historian of my mental health I can be unless I actually have a journal to refer to.  I'm still struggling a lot with my mental health, but reflecting on where I was at a year ago, I would have to say I am doing better right now.  It's hard to really believe that when I am going through a wave, but if I try to think really objectively I do think it's true.  For instance, I am sleeping pretty well.  Compared to those miserable sleepless nights a year ago, what an improvement that is.  and it's one I haven't really been appreciating or noticing.  I am having random days here and there at work where I feel like my anxiety is at an all time low, but then I will dip back into days or weeks where my anxiety levels are very frustrating.  As far as my OCDness, which either first emerged during withdrawal or was first noticed and acknowledged during withdrawal, I think I'm making progress.  When I think of the top 3 obsessions that have really been attacking me over the last year, all 3 have been fairly tame for the last few weeks.  One thing that has plagued me for years is having really sweaty feet and hands, and very cold hands.  I've weirdly been having days of dry feet after a day of work.  If that problem just went away it would blow my mind.  that would be a very objective and undeniable thing to just resolve.  My social life is still in the absolute gutter.  I have developed a fear that I just really am not cut out for friendships, much less dating or anything, and the loneliness is crushing.  I am still working myself into insane neurotic anxious states on my days off trying to figure out what the hell to do with my time.  The thing I actually worry the most about right now on a day to day basis is whether I should be medicated or not.  It's really frustrating and I just wish that thought would leave me alone for a while.  Well I know this isn't a fun or helpful read probably, just trying to keep a record on here.  I am going to try make a commitment with myself to stay drug free for at least one more year, and check in here again.   @hayduke thanks for the props on my name    Hope you are ok out there

[hayduke]

Hey Spagett.  I wonder what you might find if you start digging into where that anxiety started!

 

Keep at it...Cheers

[SarahR]

Hi Spaghett, thank you for sharing your story and your recent update. I’ve had very very similar reactions when I’ve previously quit lexapro cold turkey. I totally resonated with your anxiety about feeling like a flat-earther!! 
On the moment, in the midst of the neurotic inferno life becomes it’s impossible to see how things could ever get better. It’s impossible not to believe that deep down you are the problem. But it’s not true!! From an external perspective it seems clear that time will only bring you more relief. Hang in there!! 

[spagett]

Just updating here...    more for my own personal record than anything, as I doubt anyone is going to read all this madness.

 

Well, curiosity got the best of me, and I went back on psychiatric medication.  Overall, it has been horrible.  I saw a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and was put on Zoloft for a couple months, then Prozac for a couple months, then adderall.  I felt terrible throughout all of this, and somehow now that I've quit again, I feel even worse.  It's exactly like when I originally quit.  Wild spells of rage, brain zaps, dizziness, tingling in my fingertips.  I'm really on the fringes of life right now.  I think that was truly the last time for me that I will ever consider taking any psychiatric medication.  I'm going to try to go completely straight edge, no alcohol, no caffeine, no drugs.  God I hope I can recover.  This is hell.

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, spagett said:

put on Zoloft for a couple months, then Prozac for a couple months, then adderall.

 

It can take as little as one month for the brain to becoming fully physiologically (not physically) dependent on a drug.

 

The brain adapts to getting the drug and when it is taken away too quickly then we can experience withdrawal symptoms because the brain is trying to regain homeostasis.

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen's WD Symptoms Checklist

 

Q:  How did you feel when you took Zoloft?

 

Q:  How did you feel when you took Prozac?

 

Q:  How did you feel when you took Adderall?  How long where you taking Adderall?

 

Please update our drug signature with the new drugs (dates and doses) you have been on and include the start and end date and the dose/s you took.

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

Because you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms from going off your drugs too quickly reinstatement of a small amount of one of these drugs might be appropriate.  It will depend on how you felt on each of the drugs which drug might be considered for reinstatement.

 

Please let us know if you would like to discuss this option and the staff can try to work out which drug to reinstate and what dose you could try.  Also, please carefully read Post #1 of this topic:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

 

[getofflex]

On 11/14/2021 at 4:57 PM, spagett said:

I'm really on the fringes of life right now.  I think that was truly the last time for me that I will ever consider taking any psychiatric medication.  I'm going to try to go completely straight edge, no alcohol, no caffeine, no drugs.  God I hope I can recover.  This is hell.

You can do this!  I have been alcohol free for over 33 years, caffeine free for the past 8 months, Xanax and Trazodone free for the past 22 months, and I'm almost free of Lexapro!  It is not a fast or easy process, but it is doable.  I know that I have the intention to never ever go near another psych med, or any other mind altering substance.  

 

Try reading some of the success stories.  There are people here who have been on many psych meds, and are drug free now, and living a normal and healthy life. 

 

Success Stories