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Leila: can I see again the stars?


Leila

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  • Mentor

Hello everybody,

first of all I want to express my gratitude for the moderators of this forum. Your job is very precious and you are my hero and heroines. 

This is my story: I started citalopram at age 28 after a big stress in 2015 because my psichotherapist said it couldn’t be possible manage it with CBT. I think the drug  worked well for me but during the period I took that (4 and half years included the last two of ‘wrong’ taper. As usual I found this site too late) I felt a little bit ‘high’, multitasking, waterproof to the stress.

With my psychiatrist we decided to reduce the dosage (I decided by myself to tapering more slow despite my med advice) and then stop.

Unfortunatly this stop coincided with the beginning of this brutal pandemia and a stressful job like a teacher. Until april 2020 I felt ok (only a strange feeling of angry and regret the past) then I  experimented  depressed thoughts and my mind was fixed about my way of teaching (I didn’t feel able), about my affections (I felt lonely, moody and not loved)... at the end of June I experimented my first night of insomnia (and I was scared about the possibility to return to sleep). Then all the month of July was pure hell... insomnia, cortisolo morning, adrenal crush, extreme muscle tension, ripetitive thoughts, anxiety... In August I decided to move for holiday in a very quiet rural place and I start to sleep a little bit better but I experimented new issues: morning anxiety, feeling of impending soon, weakness, burning and painful nerves, nausea, pseudo dizziness, pseudo panic attack, agoraphobia... On September I start seeing some pattern of wave and windows but the waves are still too bad because of anxiety and this unbearable sensation like my brain is like an electronic control unit that goes crazy and activates nerves (especially in the head, neck, shoulder) and my head pounds and tension is extreme.

Despite agopuncture, massage, tens therapy, yoga... nothing helps with this. I take daily omega 3 and magnesium, I took for two months vitamina D (high dosage because of deficiency ) but I found it overstimulates me...

I decided to cut off with my ex psychiatrist and psychologist who didn’t believe that the withdrawal can come so late and I call on the Dr. Cosci team of Florence involved in a study about discountinuation syndrome. I started a new CBT therapy with a psychologist who knows the AD’s issues. Eventually I decided to take a stop from my job because I wanted take my brain along big stress. 

At this moment I feel hopeless... I’m scared about my future, my job. It seems all I fight for in my life (and maybe I developed my stress for my perfectionist system of life) can crash in a minute. I try to focuse myself about improvements (like sleep) but I feel in cage because I don’t want to come back to the situation of July and I scared about new issues and synthoms.

I think I’m out acute withdrawal and I’m now in a post acute and very difficult withdrawal...

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to Leila: can I see again the stars?
  • Moderator Emeritus

Welcome to Sa, Leila.

 

To give members the best information, we ask them to summarize their medication history in a signature -- drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements, in the last 12-24 months particularly.

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

Withdrawal can be delayed, and the symptoms you describe are typical of antidepressant withdrawal.  

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

These explain the healing process really well:

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

Here are some links to help you deal with anxiety.

 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

VIDEO:  Peace from Nervous Suffering - Claire Weekes (1 hour) (http://sendvid.com/vgquc1dg)
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help …

 

10 minute Restorative Yoga for Relaxation | Up the wall

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg to 1.875mg 1986-2020, two CT's and reinstatements

Nov. 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover to 18.75mg Valium

Feb. 2021, begin 10%/4 week taper of 18.75mg Valium 

End 2021  year 1 of Valium taper at 6mg

End 2022 year 2 of Valium taper at 2.75mg 

End 2023 year 3 of Valium taper at 1mg

Jan. 24, 2024: Hold at 1mg and shift to Imipramine taper.

Taper is 95% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan.-Sept. 2016 tapered to 14.4mg  

March 22, 2022: Begin 10%/4 week taper

Aug. 5, 2022: hold at 9.5mg and shift to Valium taper

Jan. 24, 2024: Resume Imipramine taper.  Current dose as of May 2: 6.1mg

Taper is 92% complete.  

  

Supplements: multiple, quercetin, omega-3, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg, iron, serrapeptase, nattokinase


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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  • Mentor

Thank you, Gridley, your advices are precious!

In this period I often think about coming back to the drug... The only thing gives me hope is the return of normal sleep (although I wake up two or three times in the night)... I suppose it was a good sign.

I know restaintment after 9 month is a challenge and maybe it could get worse...

Is it a correlation between delayed withdrawal and longer post acute withdrawal?

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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  • Moderator Emeritus
8 minutes ago, Leila said:

The only thing gives me hope is the return of normal sleep (although I wake up two or three times in the night)... I suppose it was a good sign.

It is a very good sign and an indication of healing.

 

8 minutes ago, Leila said:

Is it a correlation between delayed withdrawal and longer post acute withdrawal?

I'm not aware of any correlation between the two.  

 

21 hours ago, Leila said:

On September I start seeing some pattern of wave and windows

You are healing.  It takes time, but you are going to be fine.

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg to 1.875mg 1986-2020, two CT's and reinstatements

Nov. 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover to 18.75mg Valium

Feb. 2021, begin 10%/4 week taper of 18.75mg Valium 

End 2021  year 1 of Valium taper at 6mg

End 2022 year 2 of Valium taper at 2.75mg 

End 2023 year 3 of Valium taper at 1mg

Jan. 24, 2024: Hold at 1mg and shift to Imipramine taper.

Taper is 95% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan.-Sept. 2016 tapered to 14.4mg  

March 22, 2022: Begin 10%/4 week taper

Aug. 5, 2022: hold at 9.5mg and shift to Valium taper

Jan. 24, 2024: Resume Imipramine taper.  Current dose as of May 2: 6.1mg

Taper is 92% complete.  

  

Supplements: multiple, quercetin, omega-3, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg, iron, serrapeptase, nattokinase


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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Hello Leila and welcome to SA. You will find many people like yourself here and also many people that have had remarkable healing. The main thing is you are not alone! You have come to the right place:)

Paxil  07/1997 - 10/1998 Quit CT  

Neurontin, topamax, trazadone,  ssri AD (don't remember which one) 12/1998 - 06/1999 CT everything

Eflexor Xanax  04/2000 -08/2000 CT  ***01/2008-05/2013 on/off lexapro, lamictalseroquelsaphris, pristiq  Start/Stop CT at intervals 

Zoloft 200 mg 07/2013  WD 04/3/20 - 04/8/20 Quit

Seroquel 800 mg 07/2013 2013 *400 mg 07/2019  *** WD 04/15/2020 - 06/19/20 Quit

Ambien 10 mg 07/2013  WD 5 mg 04/29/2020, 2.5 mg 12/24/20, 1.66 mg 01/21/2021, 1.25 mg 02/16/2021 *** 02/22/2021 Quit

Xanax  2 mg prn 07/2013 - 04/23/20 Quit CT

Lamictal 150 mg 07/2013 WD 05/06/20 -06/11/2020 Quit

Propranolol 03/21/2020 - 04/20/2020 Quit CT

Hydroxyzine  12/14/2020 - 12/27/20 Quit

Allegra 24 hr 01/11/21 Flonase Nasal Spray 01/11/21

Magnesium Glycinate 100mg x3 daily D3 5000iu daily 

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  • Mentor

Thank you so much, @Gridley!

@Lucy1983You are so kind! Thank you for your words! How is your journey?

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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Hi Leila.  I tapered everything over a 2 month period and experienced every WD symptom you describe. I started feeling better around the 90 day period after my final dose.  Other than an irritating tingling/crawly feeling on my scalp I am doing well. To date my other symptoms have not returned. Today I am approaching the future with a cautiously optimistic mindset.  I am hopeful that you will continue to have windows and will heal quickly.  In any case we can thank those that have gone before us that documented their journey. We learn through them that it is indeed a journey, one that will lead to wellness.

 

 

 

Paxil  07/1997 - 10/1998 Quit CT  

Neurontin, topamax, trazadone,  ssri AD (don't remember which one) 12/1998 - 06/1999 CT everything

Eflexor Xanax  04/2000 -08/2000 CT  ***01/2008-05/2013 on/off lexapro, lamictalseroquelsaphris, pristiq  Start/Stop CT at intervals 

Zoloft 200 mg 07/2013  WD 04/3/20 - 04/8/20 Quit

Seroquel 800 mg 07/2013 2013 *400 mg 07/2019  *** WD 04/15/2020 - 06/19/20 Quit

Ambien 10 mg 07/2013  WD 5 mg 04/29/2020, 2.5 mg 12/24/20, 1.66 mg 01/21/2021, 1.25 mg 02/16/2021 *** 02/22/2021 Quit

Xanax  2 mg prn 07/2013 - 04/23/20 Quit CT

Lamictal 150 mg 07/2013 WD 05/06/20 -06/11/2020 Quit

Propranolol 03/21/2020 - 04/20/2020 Quit CT

Hydroxyzine  12/14/2020 - 12/27/20 Quit

Allegra 24 hr 01/11/21 Flonase Nasal Spray 01/11/21

Magnesium Glycinate 100mg x3 daily D3 5000iu daily 

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  • Mentor

Thanks @Lucy1983 for your kind reply! 💛I’m very happy you feel better and this is the most important thing!

Yes, this is a very supportive community and a testimony for who struggle in the middle!

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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Welcome Leila,

 

Thanks for sharing your story!

 

I'm sorry you end up in this mess. Withdrawal and a stressful job are good ingredients to become completely hopeless.

Does vitamin d overstimulate you or the magnesium?  I take 200 mg magnesium every day but don't feel very different.

 

You say you have nerve pain in back if head neck and shoulders. I've these exact same symptoms that drive me mad.

 

One advice: I tried to crack my neck and back thousands of times because of the excruciating pain but I found out it is really muscle tension en nerve pain and nothing to do with my vertebrae. Don't start home experiments with your neck. This will only worsen stuff.

 

Gentle muscle excersize and warmth are much better.

 

Do you take acetaminophen? I use it to lessen the pain and it helps lift my mood sometimes.

 

Did you reinstate or was your last dose in January 2020?

 

Good luck and keep up the Spirit!!

 

 

Jozeff

Sep- 2016 - Okt 2017 citalopram some months 15 mg some months 20 mg

Nov 2017- Apr 2018 citalopram 25 mg

Apr 2018 -  Jun 2018 citalopram 3 month TAPER too fast  from 25mg to 16.5 mg (0.1 mg per day decrease, felt horrible and crashed)

Jun 2018 - Aug13th 2018 citalopram trying to stabilize at 16.5 mg for 5 wks, updosed to 18 mg

- 14Aug 2018 - 26apr 2019  citalopram 18 mg, hold 8 months

 

2019 apr 27 : START taper citalopram @ 18 mg: 29Jun 16.4 mg / 19aug 15.4 mg / 25aug 15.2 mg / 30sep 14.0 mg / 4dec 13.1 mg

2020  03Jan 12.75 mg / 28Jan 12.29 mg / 18Feb 11.83 mg, 25Feb 11.68 mg hold.. / 7May 11.33 mg hold...., 4Aug 10.98 mg / 5Dec 10.0 mg 4 month hold...

2021 30mar 9.8 mg / 06apr 9.5 mg /  13apr 9.4 mg / 14may 8,5 mg / 04jun 8,0 mg / 11jun 7.75 mg, 02jul 7.35 mg /  09jul 7.2 mg hold 3 weeks during holiday /31jul 7 mg/ 8aug 6.8 mg / 15aug 6.63mg / 22aug 6.5mg / 1sep 6.3 mg / 8sep 6.15 mg / 15sep 6.0 mg / 22sep 5.9 mg / 29sep 5.8 mg / 04 oct 5.65 mg / 10oct 5.55 mg / 17oct 5.45 mg / 24oct 5.35mg / 30oct 5.25 mg hold 3 wks / 22nov 5.15 mg / 01dec 5.1mg / 12dec 5.0mg / 20dec 4.85mg / 30dec 4.70mg

2022   08jan 4.5 mg / 16jan 4.4 mg / 23jan 4.3 mg / 27jan 4.2 mg / 18feb 4.1 mg / 25feb 4.0 mg / 04mar 3.9 mg / 11mar 3.75 mg / 18Mar 3.65 mg / 09apr 3.55 mg / 16apr 3.45 mg / 23apr 3.35 mg / 01may 3.25 mg / 8may 3.15 mg / 17may 3.10 mg / 28 may 3.0 mg / 7jun 2.94 mg / 18 Jun 2.88 mg / 27 jun 2.84 mg / 05 jul 2.80 mg / 16 jul 2.75 mg / 23 jul 2.70 mg / 01aug 2.65 mg / 09aug 2.60 mg hold 5wks / 18sep 2.55 mg / 25sep 2.5 mg /02oct 2.45 mg / 10oct 2.40 mg / 19oct 2.35 mg / 27oct 2.30 mg / 05nov 2.27 mg / 14nov 2.25 mg / 22nov 2.20 mg / 29nov 2.10mg / 09dec 2.05 mg / 15dec 2.0 mg 

2023  hold 2.0 mg for 5 months / 05may 1.95 mg / 14may 1.90 mg / 24may 1.87 mg / 02jun 1.85 mg / 17jun 1.82 mg / 27jun 1.79 mg / 07jul 1.75 mg / 31jul 1.72 mg / 12aug 1.69mg / 27aug 1.67 mg / 04sep 1.65 mg / 09sep 1.63 mg / 22sep 1.61 mg / 27sep 1.60 mg / 12oct 1.58 mg / 18oct 1.56 mg / 31oct 1.54 mg / 06nov 1.52 mg / 18nov 1.50 mg / 04dec 1.48 mg / 11dec 1.46 mg / 22dec 1.45 mg / 28dec 1.44 mg

2024 01jan 1.43 mg / 06jan 1.42 mg/ 10jan 1.40 mg hold / 08apr 1.38 mg / 15apr 1.36 mg / 20apr 1.34 mg / 28apr 1.33 mg / 2may 1.32 mg / 9may 1.30 mg

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  • Mentor

Dear Jozeff, thank you for your answer!

Answering to your question, I think magnesium helps me a little but I think vitamine D (I’m lacking in), taken at high dosage, has overstimulated my CNS...

Yes, muscle tension drives crazy also me...I had a bad reaction with acetaminophen but I want to try an aspirin next time...

I’m struggling also sometimes with an unbearable feeling of impending doom... I don’t know how I can copy with this...

I jumped off drug on January (2 mg)....Unfortunately I didn’t know too much about tapering... I support your tapering and I hope you feel better little by little 🙏

Keep me update!🙂

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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11 hours ago, Leila said:

I’m struggling also sometimes with an unbearable feeling of impending doom... I don’t know how I can copy with this...

You are not alone! It is common in WD. 
You are coping🐳and you go to CBT. You are doing the best you can.

I think Covid is also to blame. I try to act normal but nothing is.
I think you are on such good path to feel better.🌻🌻🌻

 

I would love to hear more of how your days look like🙋🏻‍♀️
 

 

July 19th 2017—July 2018: 10 mg Escitalopram

August 2018— June 2020: 5 mg Escitalopram

 

Tapering started: June 2020—1st of August. Lowest dose was 5 mg (5 mg every second day for a couple of weeks, then 5 mg twice a week for a couple of weeks, and lastly 5 mg once a week until I stopped)

 

Drug free: August 1st, 2020

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate 2x200 mg and Omega3 – 2x1000 mg.

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Hello Leila,

 

I am sorry to read that you are having a bad time. I am going through the same right now. I stopped taking citlopram in mid April and my symptons came in late June. 

Right now I have the pain in the back of the neck and shoulders( very unpleasant, right?), headache (maybe a consequence of the earlier), feeling down, lacking energy, crying spells, feeling moody and with no patience, brain fog... At least I am experiencing some windows where I feel almost "normal" and I can function as a human being. Also, I think I've pased the panic attacks and suicidal thoughts period, which is a relief.

I am trying to keep a positive mind, but it is not that easy to do that  everytime. I've always had health anxiety, so this is a real challenge for me. 

 

What it helps me with the pain in the back of the neck is the hot water bottle or an electric blanket in the area(always with caution, of course). I haven't tried aspirin because I am afraid of an adverse reaction, so if you try it, please let us know how it went.

 

please know that you are not alone. Hang in there, I am sure it will get better with time. I am here to reading your comments, if you feel like writing:)

 

P.S. It is the first time I write here and English is not my first language, so if I wrote something wrong, my apologies. 

March 2019: 10mg Citalopram

April 2019: 20mg Citalopram

October/November 2019(sorry, I don't remember the exact date): 10mg of Citalopram without tapering, as suggested by my pharmacist. 

March 2020: Started "tapering", taking the 10mg of Citalopram every other day, again, following the recommendations of my pharmacist. 

April 2020: Stopped taking Citalopram.

I haven't reinstall since then. I've tried taking Magnesium a couple of times, but I found out it makes me nervous. I only take Paracetemol when the headache becomes unbearable (2gr every couple of weeks or so). 

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  • Mentor

Thank you, Dear Kingfisher!😘

Yes, sometimes I can reach the cause of my anxiety but sometimes it comes out from nowhere... Such an horrible feeling... As you say, I hope CBT can help me!

On 10/13/2020 at 10:09 AM, Kingfisher86 said:

I think you are on such good path to feel better.

Thank you! I hope so! When I red the topics and stories I pray that all of us can find a deserved place of inner peace!

 

On 10/13/2020 at 10:09 AM, Kingfisher86 said:

I would love to hear more of how your days look like

Tomorrow I would put an update. Maybe can help other people in my situation!🙌

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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  • Mentor

Sorry @almuPA! I didn’t notice your post!😕 Your English is very good. Also me I didn’t write in English from high school so I try to do my best!

I’m so sorry you struggle because of the same hellish drug... I think it is a good sign of improvement the fact that you can experiment some windows (and I hope that they can appear often and longer!) as the fact that you have exceeded the worst mental issue! Hold on!💪

Thank you too much for your kind advice! I will keep you informed!

About health anxiety I fully understand... I have been hypochondriac since I was young but when we experiment human vulnerability I think is impossible don’t be worried about our condition!

Text me when you want! It’s such cozy when you feel that your battle is shared!😘

 

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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  • Mentor

I want to put here the list of my symptoms as testimony (I know this site is a true and important testimony of the reality of WD) and I hope also can help other people and people can interacte with me for suggestions. I hope one day I will heal in a way for which I can give my contribution constantly (it will be my goal)...

 

PHYSICAL ISSUES (eliminated or improved):

- insomnia and jumps when you are sleeping

- cortisolo morning or adrenal issue

- extreme muscle tension (expecially in neck, head and shoulders) and burning nerves

- pseudo vertigo

- nausea and stomach pain

- voracity or gastrite issue

- abdominal bloating (suspected IBS)

- legs giving way and sensation of falling down (like faint)

- fatigue

- irregular period

- itching (orticaria since I took the drug)

- difficult breathing

 

MENTAL ISSSUES (eliminated or improved)

- nightmares

- mood swing / neuro-emotions (expecially anger and irritability)

- need always ressaurance /inhability to stay alone

- anhedonia (a little bit)

- crying spell

- ripetitive thoughts / brooding

- death thoughts (no suicidal)

- depression mode and very sad thoughts about me and my condition

- fear of becoming crazy

- pseudo panic attack

- agoraphobia and a feeling of distance from other people (like I see people go through their life instead of me)

- high anxiety (expecially morning anxiety)

- brain fog and a sensation for that you don't feel present to yourself

 

RESISTANT ISSUES:

- muscle tension in rotation (sometimes only 'mental tension')

- nerves that are activated at random: pain or burning sensation

- pounding head (like it burst)

- feeling of crying (but I don't cry)

- anxiety (expecially in the morning)

- frenzy when I eat or stay without doing nothing with other people

- difficulty to read books or watch TV

- impending doom (horrible) always related with a painful point in my head.

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

Link to comment
On 10/20/2020 at 4:15 PM, Leila said:

I want to put here the list of my symptoms as testimony (I know this site is a true and important testimony of the reality of WD) and I hope also can help other people and people can interacte with me for suggestions. I hope one day I will heal in a way for which I can give my contribution constantly (it will be my goal)

This is going to help to sooo many people. Just to see the symptoms so well redacted and organized is great:)

Can I ask you how are you feeling lately? Only if you want to say, of course.

I am here if you need something. 

March 2019: 10mg Citalopram

April 2019: 20mg Citalopram

October/November 2019(sorry, I don't remember the exact date): 10mg of Citalopram without tapering, as suggested by my pharmacist. 

March 2020: Started "tapering", taking the 10mg of Citalopram every other day, again, following the recommendations of my pharmacist. 

April 2020: Stopped taking Citalopram.

I haven't reinstall since then. I've tried taking Magnesium a couple of times, but I found out it makes me nervous. I only take Paracetemol when the headache becomes unbearable (2gr every couple of weeks or so). 

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@leila (Sorry I'm still learning this site, so I hope I tagged you correctly....and I can't figure how you get a part of the previous persons text in your own...kindof like you are quoting something....ha! I will figure it out!) ;)
Oh my gosh....EVERY. SINGLE. mental issue....is what I have. Have NEVER had those issues before. But you hit the nail on the head...that's exactly what I'm experiencing. I am starting my reduction next week when I get my liquid medicine....so my journey starts soon! Eeeek!

2005-2020 diff AD for trouble sleeping, switched multiple times. 

2020 Dec Escitalopram 10 mg

2021 Jan 10 mg -start BMS taper w/2 wk hold

2022 March 3.63 mg

2022 July 2.65 mg

2022 November 1.96 mg

2023 February 1.48 mg

2023 August .90 mg

.25mg Melatonin (as needed)

 

Link to comment
  • Mentor

Dear @almuPA! Thank you for your kind words in your topic! Yes, we are here to support each other!😘

It’s difficult answering to your question... For the first time during the last week I had a couple of days in which I raised my head and I felt almost ‘me’... Usually windows last from some hours to a day...A window is good because you understand that you can carry on but when a next wave hits is frustrating and it’s hard to see our improvements (and this cyclic way seems to put at the same hellish point and in my opinion confuse our mind).

Some issues went away but it seems the scariest are very attached to me...😕 I pray that these issues can become more manageable...

I write in a journal my daily symptoms and it helps to see how they change. Try to stay focus on improvements...

Yesterday I thought about how I was desperate on August when we welcomed in family our first kitten because I couldn’t enjoy to stay with her or take care...Now we play together and I smile for her funny face. 

We had to take care of all these precious moments: they help us to reach healing...

💗

 

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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  • Mentor

Hi @Krisseyb! Thank you for connecting to me!

Eheh, you can quote underlining the sentences you want to quote and then it appears a button 'quote selection' that you can push! I don't know if I explain myself in a best way!😆

Knowing that also you experimented these issues comforts me, though I'm sorry that you had to go across this. I think you found a right place on SA and this can make easier your tapering journey! I'm sure! Keep on touch!🙌

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

Link to comment
On 10/23/2020 at 2:57 PM, Leila said:

Eheh, you can quote underlining the sentences you want to quote and then it appears a button 'quote selection' that you can push! I don't know if I explain myself in a best way

I think I got it!!! Woohoo!! ;)
It's the little joys in life right???

2005-2020 diff AD for trouble sleeping, switched multiple times. 

2020 Dec Escitalopram 10 mg

2021 Jan 10 mg -start BMS taper w/2 wk hold

2022 March 3.63 mg

2022 July 2.65 mg

2022 November 1.96 mg

2023 February 1.48 mg

2023 August .90 mg

.25mg Melatonin (as needed)

 

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Mentor

Update (not very positive) 11 months off drugs.

 

Dear survivors,

this WD some day seems a slow agony. Maybe it's early but for me it isn't till today manageable and this is my hope that one day it will be.

At the moment I'm struggling with these issues:

- tension in some nerves (expecially head, neck and shoulder). This sensation changed frome the beginning: when I did an automassage I could touch many muscle knots in those body areas but now they have shrunk in terms of number. Now I can feel the exact muscles which tend and sometimes give me pain. I did an EMG and the result is that I had neurogenic suffering in the left shoulder and I will deepen about neck pain that maybe caused this. By the way, the tension situation doesn't help to relax this area. Sometimes also I had pain in my sternum. It seems to me that it's the same sensation after a physical effort and I don't know if it' related to acid lactic production. My fear is that could generate a situation of chronic pain...

- a sensation of pounding heart.

- a sensation (expecially in the afternoon) of extreme fatigue and not mental clarity. 

- episodes of stomach acid and abdominal bloating. Better compared to months ago, maybe due to the restrict diet that I start (diary, gluten, sugar free).

- anxiety, expecially in the morning. Try to practise acceptance but at the moment it's more like resignation and I know it's not good because it caused a lack of motivation. 

- the most horrible issue are those I call 'weird issue' and seems to me 'pure abstinence': it seems like you are losing control of your body, headache and pounding neck, weakness and inability to find peace, neither in the bed. Fortunatly, it doesnt' occur so often but it remind me that my brain is still shocked.

 

During this month I experiment very bad waves (expecially during my period...I suppose hormones have a key role in this process), day of WD normal (random but less intense symptoms) and three days of complete windows in which I feel myself again.

It's difficult focus on the thought that windows will come back and I need to hope...But when they happen it seems to me a miracle and I return to be in peace with universe...

 

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Because the majority of staff and members speak/read English please amend your drug signature.  Thank you.

 

Please check that the following translation of your drug signature is accurate.

 

Translated using deepl.com

 

Then copy and paste the following to replace the Italian version.  Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement: saffron pill (30 mg) + 1 mg melatonin + vit. E, EPA + DHA, magnesium bisglycinate, theanine, folic acid, iron and vit. D3.

Try meditating / awareness, walking / running every day, CBT, weekly acupuncture (anxiety protocol) and massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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@Leila I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. You are a fighter. As time passes even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are healing more and more. Good thing you’ve changed your diet! That is a big one! Keep looking for non drug solutions and continue being curious about your body and emotions. I do the same thing. ❤️

July 19th 2017—July 2018: 10 mg Escitalopram

August 2018— June 2020: 5 mg Escitalopram

 

Tapering started: June 2020—1st of August. Lowest dose was 5 mg (5 mg every second day for a couple of weeks, then 5 mg twice a week for a couple of weeks, and lastly 5 mg once a week until I stopped)

 

Drug free: August 1st, 2020

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate 2x200 mg and Omega3 – 2x1000 mg.

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  • Mentor

Sorry @ChessieCat! I wrote my signature in english but I saw an error and I changed it, while translator tool was active in my page! So it translated all the text!

 

Dear @Kingfisher86, thanks for your kind words! This isn't an easy fight but all we can do is persisting!

I read about your job and I'm happy you are going well! Strenght and courage!💪

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Dear Leila,

I am thinking of you as you experience these painful symptoms of withdrawal.  I believe very strongly that you will feel better eventually.  Meanwhile, I find that recovery can feel so frightening.  Please write whenever you wish as I appreciate knowing how you're doing.

Warmly, Arbor

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 2022

Link to comment
  • Mentor

Dear @arbor, you are always very kind! Thank you and I send to you all my gratitude!

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Dear Leila, How much I appreciate your message today.  I had a very difficult night, so to find your message this morning, was a beacon of comradery.  One of the hardest parts of withdrawal for me is the negativity of my thoughts.  Certain traumas from the past replay over and over.  They feel like PTSD.  I realize now that every time they appear in my mind, I should know that the scenes are signs of withdrawal and not about the people or circumstances of the past.  I see an old hurt (or person) in my mind, but have to say, This is the face not of that person, but of my brain injury.  Sadly, I keep thinking that at 24 months I should be recovered, but in fact, more recent withdrawal from other kinds of medications may also still be causing problems.  It is a travesty that any of us should be going through this.  It helps me to think of you when the symptoms are difficult, and repeat to myself, May Leila and all of us be well.

Arbor

 

(Translator online)

Cara Leila, quanto apprezzo il tuo messaggio oggi. Ho avuto una notte molto difficile, quindi trovare il tuo messaggio questa mattina è stato un faro di cameratismo. Una delle parti più difficili del ritiro per me è la negatività dei miei pensieri. Alcuni traumi del passato si ripetono più e più volte. Si sentono come un disturbo da stress post-traumatico. Mi rendo conto ora che ogni volta che appaiono nella mia mente, dovrei sapere che le scene sono segni di ritiro e non riguardano le persone o le circostanze del passato. Vedo una vecchia ferita (o persona) nella mia mente, ma devo dire: questo non è il volto di quella persona, ma della mia lesione cerebrale. Purtroppo, continuo a pensare che a 24 mesi dovrei essere guarito, ma in realtà, anche il ritiro più recente da altri tipi di farmaci potrebbe causare problemi. È una farsa che qualcuno di noi debba affrontare tutto questo. Mi aiuta a pensare a te quando i sintomi sono difficili e ripeto a me stesso, che Leila e tutti noi stiamo bene.

 

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 2022

Link to comment

I am keeping you in my thoughts, dear Leila :)

March 2019: 10mg Citalopram

April 2019: 20mg Citalopram

October/November 2019(sorry, I don't remember the exact date): 10mg of Citalopram without tapering, as suggested by my pharmacist. 

March 2020: Started "tapering", taking the 10mg of Citalopram every other day, again, following the recommendations of my pharmacist. 

April 2020: Stopped taking Citalopram.

I haven't reinstall since then. I've tried taking Magnesium a couple of times, but I found out it makes me nervous. I only take Paracetemol when the headache becomes unbearable (2gr every couple of weeks or so). 

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  • Mentor

Dear @arbor, I appreciate every kind gesture and words that you adress me (like translator) 🙂. It seems to me that you are a very sensitive person and maybe for people like us it's difficult to deal with traumas, even little, that people or things have inflicted to us in the past. WD absolutely exacerbate this trend (I know also that other medication can confuse our neurotransmitters, expecially if they act on hormonal balance but you are now so far from the beginning days of this terrible journey and I'm sure you will see new important improvements). I pray that the Cosmos will give us the strenght to overcome the irrationality of this process. Now I really understand the meaning and the difficulty of the word 'resilience'. I'm thinking of you, dear! Keep on touch!

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

Link to comment
  • Mentor
On 12/7/2020 at 7:06 PM, almuPA said:

I am keeping you in my thoughts, dear Leila :)

And you always are in mine, dear @almuPA!💗

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Thank you for your kind and understanding words, Leila.  I hope you stay safe from the Covid virus during the holiday season.

Warmly,

Arbor

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 2022

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
  • Mentor

12 months off (nearly to 13)

 

I would be able to give good shape to my thoughts but I think no words can give justice to all us ordeal. The problem is not the language but human inability to fully understand all this process.

I would help all of us damaged but all I can do is reading success story or recovery story with the hope that they can recovery fast and light the lamp of healing.

I’m sorry if this condition leads me to take care more of me than you.

 

I see this site like the structure of Dante’s afterlife. The hellish introductions’ section of suffering souls with often the only guilt of having sacrificed our inner voice for the dictates of society. The people on recovery (sun lightened), souls in purgatory who continued to experience the trauma of waves but little by little climb the steps to reach a better inner shape; the paradisiac success stories’ section that enlighten with hope all our fears and comforts our tears.

 

From June to now it was a very hellish journey. I don’t know how I could survive some days; I think only the will to be normal again kept me alive. This WD reviewed all my weakness, demolished certainties; reduced often me to a little human being with only the purpose to survive the day, naked my soul and had felt to me an extreme sensation of vulnerability.  Not able to be alone, constant reassurance, I had to learn how is live together this sense of existential loneliness and try to accept it. I remember that 6/7 months ago I saw people go on with their life like I was behind a thick glass wall and so much I didn’t  feel I could partecipate in life that I wished someone left me somewhere in a field like an object without purpose or utility.

 

I continued to keep on my mind the graph that circulates in some threads on SA that show the non-linear process but also the reduction of waves’ deepness after one year. I forced myself to believe that something will be change. And things are changed in some way, although it is difficult to be objective in this process.

Many symptoms (that I listed in my previous posts) are gone or lessened. I’m no longer in a state of costant hyperactivation (really hard and odd state to face) and I saw more the pattern of windows or waves. If I see my diary notes I can see that December was a good month: windows became more defined and longer (max 4/5 days continuous), many green or orange (no symptoms or lessened) than red (very hard days); for the first time I felt a sense of calm and joy: needless to say that it seemed to a miracle… Unfortunatly January was essentially a wave (12 month wave?), an orange wave speckled of red days or moments, less green days than December. I know I had to be grateful because the issues weren’t as brutal as initial months but the trauma and cyclic return of past sensations don’t allow to stay relaxed in this situation and you always try to understand where it can hurt you. I often scared about brutal and intense issues, I know this is a kind of catastrophic thought, try to label it and try to accept this unstable condition (not always works!).

Try to focus on issues of the moment:

 

-        nerves: after weeks of adrenaline discharges, it seems to me I feel like I'm dealing with remaining lightning bolts that hit random nerves (especially neck and head but also vagus nerves strikes). This may cause tension, pain, explosion feeling, skids (not really vertigo)…very hard to describe…

-        gut: a very affected organ. I don’t know if it’s histamine intollerance (when I start citalopram years ago I reacted with orticaria until now). I try to take probiotics or glutammine but I reacted bad so I stopped. I continue with a diet gluten, dairy, yeast and histamine (check incriminated food) free.

-        anxiety: it’s like anticipatory anxiety, anxiety that the anxiety may become uncontrollable. Sometimes it seems to me a physical anxiety and I can easy label like it but when it come from thoughts is more difficult. I’m also scary about the return of feeling of impending doom or dread (unfortunatly sometimes appear).

-        neuro-emotions: some days I had overreactions of situations. I was a perfectionist and obsessed by judgments of others (try to work to change this) but anger, low mood, bitterness can be disproportionate. As my friend @arbor said, discovering that we are so attached to situations or people from the past, seems to make us narrow-minded like a soul that can’t aim to higher feelings.

-        stress resistance: expecially social situations. When I was in the middle of the worst of agoraphobia I tried to push my self to go out; lockdown didn’t help. Now I can stand in front of the people, family members or strangers, without the urge to want to escape but I had some unsolved situation, expecially with my job. I’m a teacher, I give much value to this job and I know I’m not yet in the best shape to face many people and heads; I know it can put many stress to my sensitized system and I’m scared to lose control of situation or to come back in my process of healing. Best solution it could be a part-time but I might request it and I could obtain it only from September. I had to decide if I want to come back full-time or continue with sick leave for the next months.

-        many unpleasant issues but not intense: stomach burning, heartbeat, fatigue, PMS…

 

In these months help me:

-        mindfulness and self-compassion meditation (reading something of Eckarte Tolle or Tara Brach); walking an hour per day; CBT therapy (my psychologist believe in WD) and ACT therapy (I was able day by day to read two books of Russ Harris); diet and supplements: help me magnesium, omega 3, iron, vitamin C and vitamin D3 (I was able to take this increasing the drops gradually). I think procìbiotics and B vitamin could help more but for the moment I can’t take.

 

I hope that I continue to face this (and I hope this for all of us) and that waves can become little by little less scary and we can ride them…🙏

Empathetic hug to all of you

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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@LeilaCiao dear,

 

You did and are doing such a good job of taking care of youself❤️ And supporting others... One year is such a great accomplishment considering how much suffering is involved😅 I really hope windows for you continue to be longer and longer!💫

July 19th 2017—July 2018: 10 mg Escitalopram

August 2018— June 2020: 5 mg Escitalopram

 

Tapering started: June 2020—1st of August. Lowest dose was 5 mg (5 mg every second day for a couple of weeks, then 5 mg twice a week for a couple of weeks, and lastly 5 mg once a week until I stopped)

 

Drug free: August 1st, 2020

 

Supplements: Magnesium citrate 2x200 mg and Omega3 – 2x1000 mg.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

This is so beautiful, @Leila--

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing these words.  I have been experiencing so much of what you describe, and I sometimes think, There is no one I would wish them on.  The mental torture can feel close to unbearable.  I feel my head will kill me.  Yet still, I can see that we do heal in these small increments, and I see that others have recovered.  I feel in your words your future recovery, your future well being, peace and sky full of stars....

And mine too....Thank you again!!💗

Arbor

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 2022

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  • Mentor

Dear @arbor, thank you very very much because you allow me to feel less lonely in this hard journey! I always believe in the good side of human being but person like you, like members of this site teached me how the human chain of solidarity is not just an ideal. This for me is a huge gift.

Let's keep fighting as we can and the day will come when we will celebrate again life💗

July 2015: the 20mg citalopram for great stress begins

After two years I start tapering (slow but without medical advice) and I guess wrongly. First up to 10 mg, then 5 mg and 2 mg (liquid solution) and skips

January 2020 (I don't remember exactly the day): off citalopram (last dose 2mg).

June 2020: adrenal crash. The beginning of Hell on Earth

 

Current supplement:

- saffron pill (20 mg) + vit. E, omega 3 (EPA + DHA) 2g, magnesium bisglycinate 300 mg, iron , vitamin D3 (2500ui) +K7 (50 ui), vitamin C (1g) + quercitin (25 mg), theanine (as necessary).

 

Try meditating / mindfulness, walking every day, CBT/ACT, massage.

 

"E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle" ("And so we went out to see the stars again")

(Dante Alighieri, Divine Comedy , Inferno, XXXIV, 139)

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  • Mentor

Hello @Leila Thank you for posting on my thread 💜

 

I am sorry you are suffering, you are now 1+ year off, you have come a long way. Hang in there. You will see more improvements soon.

 

I read you moved to a rural area at the beginning of the wd. I honestly have always wanted to do this. To move to a rural place in nature while healing and escape the craziness of the city. How does your area look like? More like a countryside?

 

 

Cymbalta 30 mg- 60 mg 

06/2016-  10/2018 ( Cold Turkey) 

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