tryingtosurvive330: extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Jennings nothing, really. A couple days ago i finished the 7 days of calming anxiety which I don’t feel like helped at all. Before that I did 7 days of easing depression...same thing. 
 

Ive only really been using it to turn on the calm sleep sounds on all night, and overlap it with Netflix and a humidifier. Has it been helping you?

 

I feel pretty depressed. 

[Jennings]

I did the 7 days calming myself but it’s not helping like it was.  I use the sounds to sleep at night also.  I also use the sleep meditations to fall asleep. 
 

Absolutely dreading work on Monday.

[tryingtosurvive330]

This morning my anxiety is not great. It’s been about 4 hours and not dissipating much. Feeling really uncomfortable and don’t want to deal with the world or think about anything. 
 

Mar6-Mar7

8am sat outside for a few minutes and a few on the couch. Feeling uneasy. 
9:10am 0.14mg escitalopram 

10am left my moms house to go to my house, hour drive. Listened to the whole Claire weekes book on the way which was basically the exact mp3s I was listening to plus more. 
11-12pm started listening to Shawn achor The Happiness Advantage 

1-4:30pm met friend at outdoor mall, had lunch then we went to the beach and sat and talked. I felt sad knowing it was coming to an end and was anxious about having to go back to my house. At lunch I had lavender lemonade and the fact that there was lavender in it made me nervous, wondering if I was too sensitized to have it. 
5pm back at my house, decided I couldn’t be there alone so drove back to moms. 
7pm small dinner, my lunch was late so I wasn’t hungry at all but felt I should try to eat. After, sat on couch and was on SA all night, tv on. 
10pm was falling asleep on couch in front of tv. Decided I would stay on the couch because I was worried moving to my bed would prevent me from falling into sleep. 
11pm woke up because Netflix stopped. Started it again. 
2am woke up

4-5am was half awake/woke up. Anxiety in stomach and chest. About little things, such as how last year I was trying to make my house feel like a home and I tried to get big planters for the front of my house. But I just got the plants and they’re still sitting in front looking like they just came from the store in their ugly containers....plus they’re dying. Felt like each thing was overwhelming to think about and I would never get anything done. 
6am awake. Anxiety not really dissipating. 
7am stomach churning so went to bathroom. Slightly better. Trying to “accept” the anxiety but I don’t really know what that means or how it feels. I keep saying ok, I feel crappy and that’s how it is, it’s ok. But just continuing to feel crappy and now thinking about feeling crappy. 
7:20-8:10am feeling so uneasy so got in shower. Sat there for a long time then filled up bath. Sat there, then turned on shower again. Water felt good. Just trying to enjoy but still feeling uneasy. 
8:30am writing on SA. Just feeling bad. Don’t know how to deal with it. 
 

 

 

 

[Shep]

On 3/6/2021 at 9:43 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

@Shepbased on what Alto said on the first thread about tapering 0.01mg for each micro taper, do you think this means I should do less because I’m on a microdose (I guess I am asking if the 0.01mg was in reference to microtapering off a normal dose, like 10 or 5mg)? I know that right now 0.01mg is 6.67% so it’s still small, but once I get down to .1mg, 0.01mg of taper will be back to 10%. Would you suggest that I keep going down some small amount each time even at the microdose? 

 

Trying, which topic are you referring to when you write, "Alto said on the first thread"? Can you post a link? 

 

Once you get down to a certain point, you'll do a 100% reduction (i.e. you'll jump). This thread explains more about what to consider as you're reducing these last little bits: 

 

When to end the taper and jump to zero?

 

On 3/6/2021 at 10:48 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Is it possible I’m still in WD from Zoloft in 2018? Would it even matter now if I were?

 

It's possible, but if your symptoms weren't as severe as they are now, it's more likely you're dealing with the more recent withdrawal. It's about nervous system dysregulation, so all of the changes add up to a very traumatized nervous system. 

 

But you'll feel better in time. 

 

Let us know how you do with the decrease. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

On 3/4/2021 at 4:43 AM, Shep said:

If so, you could test the waters with a micro-taper and see how you feel. 

 

Micro-taper instead of 10% or 5% decreases

 

The Brassmonkey Slide Method of Micro-tapering

 

23 minutes ago, Shep said:

Trying, which topic are you referring to when you write, "Alto said on the first thread"? Can you post a link? 

@Shep, the first link “Micro taper instead of 10 or 5% decrease” was what I was referring to. 
 

Thanks for your response. I’m in a wave right now and I just feel so defeated. 

[Shep]

On 3/6/2021 at 9:43 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Shepbased on what Alto said on the first thread about tapering 0.01mg for each micro taper, do you think this means I should do less because I’m on a microdose (I guess I am asking if the 0.01mg was in reference to microtapering off a normal dose, like 10 or 5mg)?

 

On 8/31/2012 at 11:22 AM, Altostrata said:

A very sensitive person might want to make reductions of .01mg as often as they can without getting withdrawal symptoms.

 

@tryingtosurvive330Is this the part you're referring to? 

 

If so, I think I know what you're asking. You're correct to question this since you're already at a very small dose. 

 

I think it may help to know what a good jump off point is for Escitalopram. I'm not an expert on this drug, so I'm going to ask the staff if they could recommend a stop dose for you. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

1 minute ago, Shep said:

Is this the part you're referring to? 

 

If so, I think I know what you're asking. You're correct to question this since you're already at a very small dose. 

 

I think it may help to know what a good jump off point is for Escitalopram. I'm not an expert on this drug, so I'm going to ask the staff if they could recommend a stop dose for you. 

Yes, Shep, thank you, that’s exactly what I was referring to. Thank you for asking the staff and trying to understand what I meant, I have a hard time articulating. I have moments of “I should just quit right now” but I know that’s not smart and I’m really afraid of what that would do to me anyway. 

[Shep]

11 minutes ago, Gridley said:

I advise members to get well down into the .00's before jumping to zero off Lexapro. I wanted to go down to 0.01 but I was having to eyeball the cuts and the amount of powder was getting so tiny that I really couldn't be sure of the consistency of my doses, so I decided my best option was to jump at 0.025.  

 

My symptoms were minimal, so that wasn't a factor, just the measuring difficulty.

 

@tryingtosurvive330I asked Gridley, another moderator, who is very wise in Lexapro withdrawal. This is his response to my question about a good stopping point for Lexapro (escitalopram). 

 

Does this help answer your questions, knowing what a good stopping point is? You'll still want to go no faster than 10% a month and even slower, if you find the micro-taper to be helpful in toning down withdrawal symptoms. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

2 minutes ago, Shep said:

Does this help answer your questions, knowing what a good stopping point is? You'll still want to go no faster than 10% a month and even slower, if you find the micro-taper to be helpful in toning down withdrawal symptoms. 

Thank you so much, Shep. 
 

For the most part it does answer my questions but I feel quite sad knowing that at no more than 10% a month it will take me more than year (looks like almost two) to come off. 
 

I do have another detailed question - I remember in a tapering thread, when asked the question of getting down to lots of decimal points, Alto said to round up (may have been to the nearest hundredth). Does this mean, for the sake of example, if I started doing 10% a month from 0.10mg it would look like this?

 

month 1: 0.9mg

month 2: 0.081 = 0.8mg

month 3: 0.0729 = 0.7mg

month 4: 0.06561 = 0.7mg

 

So for months 3-4 I would essentially be taking the same amount? I’m doing the 10% off the dose with more decimals, not the rounded amount. 
 

I may be nitpicking over something that maybe I should just wait to think about later, but today I’m quite anxious and have been on SA all morning. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Shepshe may have said round down....now I’m not so sure. 

[brassmonkey]

Firstly in your example there is an extra 0 in months 2,3,4 that can confuse the matter.

 

month 1: 0.9mg

month 2: 0.081 = 0.8mg  s/b 0.81  rounded to 0.9

month 3: 0.0729 = 0.7mg s/b 0.729  rounded to 0.8

month 4: 0.06561 = 0.7mg s/b 0.6561  rounded to 0.7

 

In general we recommend rounding up to the next number. However, when you get to the tiny Endgame doses such as these it does cause some duplication in reductions. In either case it becomes very hard to manage the tiny amounts of powder that make up the dose.

 

Making the transition to a liquid will give more control over the strength of your dose, but it does risk the problems of changing from a powder to a liquid, and given the tiny quantities a crossover is nearly impossible.

 

Seeing as how you are on such a physically tiny dose I would suggest not worrying about about continuing a 10% taper. But rather, depending on your symptom load, switch to a linear taper. This would involve visually dividing you .14mg of powder into four (4) equal piles.

 

Reduction 1 take three (3) of those smaller piles

Reduction 2 take two (2) of those smaller piles

Reduction 3 take one (1) of those smaller piles

 

This will give a dose of 0.035 which would be an acceptable place to make the jump to "0" if your symptoms have resolved to pretty much nothing. It you are still experiencing symptoms then a small updose may be in order, a longer hold until they resolve, or repeating the process starting with one (1) of the smaller piles and visually dividing into 4. This would give a dose in the 0.01mg range which is a good place to jump. 

 

How long you should stay on each dose is up to your body. We want to aim for no symptoms with each reduction, but need to stay at each level for several weeks to let the background healing take place. It will still take a while. If you hold each reduction for four (4) weeks it will take 16 weeks for the first set and an additional 16 weeks for the second set.

[tryingtosurvive330]

1 hour ago, brassmonkey said:

Firstly in your example there is an extra 0 in months 2,3,4 that can confuse the matter.

 

month 1: 0.9mg

month 2: 0.081 = 0.8mg  s/b 0.81  rounded to 0.9

month 3: 0.0729 = 0.7mg s/b 0.729  rounded to 0.8

month 4: 0.06561 = 0.7mg s/b 0.6561  rounded to 0.7

Thanks, sorry about that, I meant to write 0.09mg on the first one as right now I’m at 0.14mg. I understand what you’re saying though and I also see that I didn’t even round up, I just rounded. 
 

I am on the liquid and have a syringe where each mark equals 0.01mg, so I could just do the linear down to that point. 
 

I am really nervous as I read about how the “occupancy” in the receptors is very variable at the end of the taper and this made me especially worried because everyone says lexapro is so potent, so I was thinking I’d have to go to some insanely small amount otherwise I’d be hit with something extremely intense and bad again. But I suppose there’s not too much I can do about this. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Yesterday I felt pretty bad all day. Anxiety didn’t dissipate for hours and I was depressed all day. Started to feel ok just at nighttime but was worried about sleep. Now sitting here with anxiety in my stomach. Feel so lost. I want to sleep so bad. 
 

I would think maybe this is the taper but I felt like this right before I started the taper. Maybe it’s a wave? I’m so frustrated. Can anyone offer some encouragement?

 

Mar7-Mar8

9am 0.14mg escitalopram 

9:40am verge of tears. Anxious

10am wrote three positive things from the day before (something from Shawn Achors book he said to do)

12pm I’ve been on SA all day. Can’t smile   Feelings of depression and emptiness 

12pm ate some food, zero appetite at all but able to eat because it’s there in front of me. I feel like an invalid who cannot take care of herself. The only reason I’ve been eating is because my mom is putting food in front of me. For the last few weeks. 
2-2:40pm tried to nap on couch. Had 200mg magnesium before this. Jolted awake by sounds

2:40-3:50pm actually did nap. Felt deep. But had nightmares about coming on and off ADs. 
5:30pm talked to my mom a little because I felt bad that I had been so down all day. Cried a lot in front of her.  She thinks I need to go on disability too. 
7:30pm ate a few bites, not hungry at all. Forced myself. Had 200mg more of magnesium bisglycinate after. 
8:30pm anxiety is gone, dissipated around 6pm. Still really depressed. On SA again until 10pm. 
10pm laid down. Netflix, calm sleep meditation (I didn’t know what else to do) fell asleep and kept restarting it all night again. 
10:30 woke up.

11pm fell asleep

2:40am woke up

4am woke up

5:37am woke up. Stayed awake

6:30am awake. Anxious in stomach. Went to bathroom, back to bed, very anxious. Calm Anxiety meditation. Back on SA. 
 

I wonder if I should try baby aspirin to try to sleep through the night like Alto mentioned on her cortisol thread. 
 

 

[mstimc]

17 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I would think maybe this is the taper but I felt like this right before I started the taper. Maybe it’s a wave? I’m so frustrated. Can anyone offer some encouragement?

Hi Trying

 

Have a I shared my 10-pound ball of anxiety analogy with you?  If not, it sounds like this is what you're going through...

[tryingtosurvive330]

I read your 10 pound analogy on someone else’s thread but I cannot remember it at all now. I really welcome your thoughts right now. I feel awful. 

[mstimc]

Hi

 

My therapist gave me the analogy.  Anxiety is like a 10-pound ball we carry around with us all the time.  Its a weight that constantly  burdens us.  Our anxious brains think the only way to get rid of the ball is the "put" it somewhere--find a reason for its existence.  If we can only find a reason, we can lose the ball.  So we attribute anxious or depressive thoughts to something we've done or haven't done (too much TV or not enough meditation, wrong med, etc.).  The real answer is to make the ball smaller.  The fact is our bodies are triggering anxious or depressive feelings regardless of what we do, and our minds want to find the cause.  The cause and the thoughts are different sides of the same coin.   They are just thoughts, but they can be overwhelming.  The more we search for a cause, the worse it gets.  The solution is simple but so difficult to put into practice when we're in the middle of a wave.  Remind yourself these really are just thoughts and have no more power than we're willing to give them.  When my OCD flares up, I do a visualization where I picture my fear as a beach ball, then a basketball, then a baseball, then a ping-pong ball and finally a marble.  I make the ball smaller in my mind, and it helps calm my system and my obsessive thinking.  Anything you can do to limit the thoughts' power will help--diversion, cleaning a room, talking to someone about anything on your mind.  But don't fight the thoughts or spend a lot of energy trying to find a cause.  Accept they exist and then try to put them in the right perspective. 

 

I was where you are and I know it can seem like you'll never recover to be truly happy again.  But you can and you will.  Cut yourself some slack and don't blame yourself for your feelings.  You can recover!

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc what you said makes sense. But what about when your anxious thoughts do seem to have a cause? I know very well the feeling of wanting to figure out the cause and what triggered this, I was there in January wanting there to be a reason. But at times i feel like, this is the way it is, I accept that much. But Then the anxious thoughts will be pinned on something specific like “this situation is coming up and it feels overwhelming and I fear it.” How do I let go of the fear? I can try the visualization of the balls. I also keep trying to “accept and invite” the anxiety as other have said to do (comes from Claire weekes) and I just don’t understand how to do that. I don’t understand what it means to let fear come in and be able to sit with it. Am I supposed to knowingly sit here feeling awful and say that’s how it is today? I think that’s what I did yesterday. 
 

I know I’m rambling and it’s because I’m so confused. I don’t know how to organize my thoughts anymore. There are too many of them that aren’t even clear in my head. It’s a bunch of fuzzy blurry nonsense things that scare me. 

[mstimc]

40 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I know I’m rambling and it’s because I’m so confused. I don’t know how to organize my thoughts anymore. There are too many of them that aren’t even clear in my head. It’s a bunch of fuzzy blurry nonsense things that scare me. 

You're making perfect sense, Trying.  And I understand the idea of there being a cause for anxiety.  When I was in WD, I had the same problems.  Just as I was coming out of WD and starting substantial recovery, I found I made a pretty substantial billing error at work.  If it'd been a few months earlier, I would have completely freaked out.  And I did at first, but then I got some perspective and took the appropriate action.  I documented the amount of the error to make sure I understood the cause, then called the Finance Director to ask what I could do to correct the error.  He told me to credit the error on our next billing and that would take care of it.  Finally, I told my boss about my mistake and what I thought I should do about it.  He listened and said "OK" and ten minutes later we were talking about something else. 

 

My point is, even if there is a cause, things are rarely as bad as we tell ourselves.  Catastrophic thinking magnifies problems into impending disaster.  So the cause is real, but our reaction is disproportionate.  

 

51 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I also keep trying to “accept and invite” the anxiety as other have said to do (comes from Claire weekes) and I just don’t understand how to do that. I don’t understand what it means to let fear come in and be able to sit with it. Am I supposed to knowingly sit here feeling awful and say that’s how it is today? I think that’s what I did yesterday. 

 

Yes, I hear you.  That seems such an abstract and somewhat trite idea; "Just let it go".  I distill the idea into "Its okay to feel okay".  Don't judge the fear as any more than a feeling your disrupted nervous system is creating in reaction to a given situation.  Its more like an allergic reaction.  There is an irritant (pollen) but the body's reaction is disproportionate  to the irritation.  Its the same with our minds; there is a cause or reason or problem, but then the anxious mind creates an overreaction.  That's how I see the idea of "sitting with it" or "floating through it.".  Its hard because anxiety is selfish and wants to control your thoughts and actions; if you treat it like a minor allergic reaction, it loses power and it doesn't want to let you do that.  But the more you practice it, the easier it'll get and the less power the fear will have. 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

2 hours ago, mstimc said:

My point is, even if there is a cause, things are rarely as bad as we tell ourselves.  Catastrophic thinking magnifies problems into impending disaster.  So the cause is real, but our reaction is disproportionate.  

Thanks for pointing this out. 
 

Thank you for being so understanding to me. I get so angry and want to cry about not being understood. 
 

do you have any suggestions on when there are not really thoughts, but just intense feelings of “I feel really, really bad right now”? Or do you apply the same ball visualization method to just the bad dark feeling?

[mstimc]

It's difficult for people who've never experienced this to understand it.  Even my wife, who has been tremendously supportive, really can't understand why I can't just let things go sometimes.  I'm not sure I can really understand it myself, other than some of us are just wired that way.  But there are a lot of people here to support you.

 

Occasionally, I still get the feeling you described--just a feeling of bleak thoughts that don't seem to be tied to anything in particular.  I tell myself they'll pass.  And I try not to search for a cause, since that triggers the obsessive/anxious thought pattern.  The beach ball practice can work, but lately I've also been practicing reciting positive affirmations that are the opposite of my thoughts.  So instead of ruminating on the negative, I ask myself why things work our for me more often than they go wrong, or telling myself what a nice day to sit out on our terrace it is--anything positive that replaces the negative feelings.  When all else fails, I tell myself the thoughts will pass.  Nothing is forever.

[tryingtosurvive330]

46 minutes ago, mstimc said:

I ask myself why things work our for me more often than they go wrong

I will try to do this. I have tried telling myself to do the nice things like sitting outside. Usually it just helps pass the time. Today it’s gloomy outside

[mstimc]

Its doubly tough because of the lockdown.  I think we're all suffering from cabin fever on top of everything else.

[Shep]

20 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Yesterday I felt pretty bad all day. Anxiety didn’t dissipate for hours and I was depressed all day. Started to feel ok just at nighttime but was worried about sleep. Now sitting here with anxiety in my stomach. Feel so lost. I want to sleep so bad. 
 

 

Just want to touch on a couple of things from your recent post. 

 

You were feeling okay in the evening (perhaps a window?) and then your thoughts and worries brought on a wave. I think you're dealing with secondary fear, which is the "what if" fears. And that's very common during withdrawal. 

 

Dr. Claire Weekes comes highly recommended for helping people learn how to manage and cope with anxiety and second fear. 

 

Dr. Claire Weekes - How To Recover From Anxiety

 

 

And this is a great short video on acceptance without adding "second fear":

 

Dr. Claire Weekes: How to accept the physical symptoms of nervous illness video (1.5 minutes)

 

And you can find loads more out there on YouTube by googling Dr. Claire Weekes. 

 

Dr.Claire Weekes - How to overcome Anxiety - (YouTube - 1 hour, 20 minutes)

 

This is a great article on "second fear":

 

The Anxiety Monster Feeds on Second Fear

 

The author quotes Dr. Weekes:

 

Quote

Dr. Weekes advises this: watch the fear go up and down. Ride it like a roller coaster. As long as you don’t prolong it by adding second fear, you’ll be reining it in within five minutes–the length of time it takes for adrenaline to fade–give or take.

 

20 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I would think maybe this is the taper but I felt like this right before I started the taper.

 

Do you feel overall any worse after your recent reduction? Or do you feel about the same? 

[tryingtosurvive330]

3 hours ago, Shep said:

 

Dr.Claire Weekes - How to overcome Anxiety - (YouTube - 1 hour, 20 minutes)

Thanks Shep, I received the same first link, how to recover from anxiety, from another moderator. I listened to those last week and also listened to the whole book on Saturday. I apparently couldn’t put this into practice. By the way; the link above is no longer available due to copyright claims. 
 

the 1.5 minute video was a good reminder. I woke up with a lot of anxiety and stomach churning but it’s almost gone now. Still don’t feel great though. I am dreading work. Dreading the thinking necessary for work. Yesterday was barely able to do anything.  

3 hours ago, Shep said:

23 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I would think maybe this is the taper but I felt like this right before I started the taper.

 

Do you feel overall any worse after your recent reduction? Or do you feel about the same?

I think I feel a little worse but had felt pretty bad (more angry and irritable) the morning right before I started the taper. 
 

I don’t know that I can stand myself if I can’t handle such a small taper. At the same time I’m so desperate to feel better that I want to updose. But I know the lexapro was so bad for me because it made me a zombie, a fat zombie. I want to scream. I feel like I’m barely getting through each hour and I’m watching my life pass by, wasting these years. 

thanks for analyzing my journals, Shep. I really can’t make any connections right now. I know the mornings are worse and I try to remind myself I could feel a little better later but it’s so hard. 
 

Mar8-Mar9

8:18am anxiety not too bad but feel really depressed. wrote 3 positive things from yesterday. 
11:30am forced myself to eat banana. Angry and annoyed at boss and hr. 
1pm small lunch. Forced again 

2pm drank 200mg magnesium bisglycinate. Texted a friend and immediately felt bad about myself because she feels better after getting a new job and moving with her boyfriend. Tried to ignore and not think about her. This aside, she’s always been seen as the selfish, self centered one amongst friends. 
3-4:30pm work meetings. Boss really brought me down

4:30-5pm boss called me “concerned” that I sounded down but was really concerned that I was blaming the company. We got into it a bit. I told him my burnout is because of the company and there are others who are suffering silently. 
6:30pm ate, still forcing myself. Not enjoying anything. Another 200mg magnesium. Sat in silence on my phone on SA. Mom even asked why because I’ve been turning on the tv no matter what. 
7:30pm plain bath for 30 minutes. On my phone on SA the entire time. 
8pm turned on tv, still on phone/SA. Couldn’t stop. 
9:40pm laid in bed. Calm sleep meditation twice. 
10pm fell asleep. Felt deep. 
2am woke up. Was really hoping it was already 4 but no. 
4am woke up. Michael sealey. Was half awake the whole time

5:55 woke up, turned on calm meditation, awake til 7, tossing and feeling uneasy. Anxiety in stomach

7am awake

 

I wake up at least at 2 or 4 every night. It’s like I have a minimum of two cortisol wakeups and two to three additional wakeups. I just want to make it through one of these. Even if I could wake up at 2 and 6. 
 

first day I didn’t keep clicking into covid news in the morning. I realized this at night, then I did click through a bit. 
 

Awhile ago dejavu said that the calm meditations might be hurting my sleep and I totally think that’s right. I am anticipating needing to restart them and when the voice stops it wakes me up. But the 10 hour videos that were suggested were all music and music is making me uneasy. I even asked Calm if I could make a playlist of the meditations or put on a loop and the answer was no, only with music. 

 

 

[mstimc]

4 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I don’t know that I can stand myself if I can’t handle such a small taper. At the same time I’m so desperate to feel better that I want to updose. But I know the lexapro was so bad for me because it made me a zombie, a fat zombie. I want to scream. I feel like I’m barely getting through each hour and I’m watching my life pass by, wasting these years. 

 

Trying, I remember my anxiety spiked when I was on the verge of the my last dose.  I think its the anticipation of finally being done and over, and asking ourselves "What now"?  especially if we haven't had much perceived improvement.  We tell ourselves we should be getting better as the dose decreases.  I don't think there's a direct relationship--your body and mind heal on their own times.  But I can say my recovery ramped up after I stopped.   

 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

2 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Trying, I remember my anxiety spiked when I was on the verge of the my last dose.  I think its the anticipation of finally being done and over, and asking ourselves "What now"?  especially if we haven't had much perceived improvement.  We tell ourselves we should be getting better as the dose decreases.  I don't think there's a direct relationship--your body and mind heal on their own times.  But I can say my recovery ramped up after I stopped. 

Right, I feel like I improved from the beginning and I just feel so sad that I’m just not better. It feels like eternity and I’m trying to hang on until I can go on disability and also trying not to think of what I will be able to do when I’m out. 
 

Can you tell me what the end of your taper was like? Were you on a microdose too? Mine is a reinstatement after a horrible taper. I just want this nightmare to end. 

[mstimc]

6 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Can you tell me what the end of your taper was like? Were you on a microdose too? Mine is a reinstatement after a horrible taper. I just want this nightmare to end.

Yes, I was on a miniscule dose-just a sliver of a Paxil pill.  I really think its anxiety of finally being done with it that's driving a lot of what you're feeling.  The nightmare will end.  Maybe not as fast as you'd like and not all at once but it will end.  

[DiscJockey]

Hey @tryingtosurvive330 just reaching out and sending you positive vibes man. Hang in there. I remember when I went into a tailspin last summer, everything you're feeling I felt as well. Sucks! Then I started to stabilize.... but that stabilization was only short term. Now even at this stable/therapeutic dose I still feel awful. Its confusing, not sure if its the Lexapro or the Paxil. Plus I'm back working onsite which is causing me anxiety and depression. My job is real easy and laid back, just hate having to get up every morning to commute and do a job I really am so bored and done with. Working from home was a lot better for my mental health, but higher ups decided we should all be back onsite. 

 

 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@DiscJockeythank you, I feel so alone and started pacing in my moms backyard and crying too. My office says we’re going to have to come back to the office too, gradually, but I’m already freaking out about it (one day a week). When you feel this bad how do you really know you’re stable? I know the definition of wdnormal on here and I feel like maybe that’s how I am but how are people handling tapering down when they feel this bad, even though it’s “stable”? 
 

are you able to see people and interact with them? Is there anything you look forward to? I feel like I have nothing. 

 

12 minutes ago, mstimc said:

I really think its anxiety of finally being done with it that's driving a lot of what you're feeling.  The nightmare will end.  Maybe not as fast as you'd like and not all at once but it will end.  

I hope so much that you’re right @mstimc  honestly that kind of makes me just want to go to zero right now but I will try hard not to do that. Because you said your healing ramped up after, I just want off of this. 
 

im scared because my appetite is really gone again. It’s easier to force myself to eat unlike in January, but the fact that I’m not wanting anything at all is making me worry. I think it’s the “second fear”. I’m trying not to let the second fear in but it feels like an omen or something. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Not a good day yesterday. 
 

Mar9-Mar10

7-8am SA, some news, just clicking around

8:30am work. Don’t want to deal with anyone today

10am sat in sun to work outside. Cold, sun coming in and out. Feeling really down. 
12pm pacing in backyard. Read on SA and cried for a minute. I cry when someone gives me encouragement because I feel stuck and sad that it feels like it’s not helping even though I need it. Feels like I can’t hang in there. Had thoughts of not wanting to be alive which scared me. Stomach hungry but no appetite 

12:40pm small lunch. Forced. I can eat, but quit as soon as my stomach feels full enough that it won’t growl

2:30pm angry at boss. For a moment, felt like I was watching the roller coaster of feeling like I could be ok working here vs hating every moment here. I thought of watching the roller coaster of anxiety like people have talked about

4-4:30pm so sleepy and drifted off a couple times but not a real nap

5:18pm for a minute I felt ok. Saw pics of people at work who looked happy, myself included (maybe just normal not happy). Made me feel for a moment things could feel normal

6pm showered

6:30pm small dinner. Only ate because mom prepared. Forced it

7-8pm talked to brother about another visit and the conflict it could create with dad who is dismissive about covid precautions. He’s really judge mental and patronizing 

8:30pm 2 Tylenol, back hurting after taking to brother about stressful stuff  Turned on tv. On SA

9:40pm laid down. Turned on Spotify playlist of sleep meditations 

10pm asleep

11:40pm woke up because end of Michael sealey meditation had weird music that made me uncomfortable 

2:20am woke up

4-5am woke up. Couldn’t fall back asleep, restless, tossing 

6:30 calm anxiety meditation 

7am writing in SA

 

i had finally realized I could create a playlist of meditations in Spotify last night for the people I had been trying to listen to on YouTube, without ads. But I’m realizing most have music in the background that I don’t like and it makes me uncomfortable. Does anyone know of good ones that are voice only? I feel like I had a good plan of nonstop meditations all night but the anxiety from the music really messed with me. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Mar10-Mar11

8:30am work. Feeling down. Not really working, spent lots of time trying to download mp3s of meditations so I can put them on loop for sleep. 
10am annoying work meeting. Irritable 

11am boss called to talk about previous meeting. Said he hadn’t been effective leader and “would start now”. Didn’t mean anything to me, feels empty because it sounded like I had to put in more effort now that he decided to start being better, where I was working myself to the bone before. 
12pm really had to force myself to eat. First few bites ok, got sad at the last few and really had to force and chew fast so I could just finish. Gave up as soon as I felt there was something in my stomach. 
12:30pm friend texted, cried for a minute thinking about how bad I feel. Working, distracted by phone 

2:45-4:20pm therapy. Lots of crying and very emotional. Anticipating dad coming tonight for dinner and the anxiety from that (he’s a difficult person)

5:30pm dinner. Ate small amount. He also brought cake so I had to eat a small piece. Forced it. Went better than expected, maybe because I was gearing up/anticipating to be really bad. Avoided most of it by being upstairs “working” while he cooked. Felt normal for a few seconds during dinner

6:55pm feeling bad again. Tv on, but not watching, on phone etc

9:40pm laid down. Turned on sleep meditation mp3s on repeat that I figured out in the morning

10pm fell asleep

11:45pm woke up 

12:45am woke up

2:20am woke up 

5:22am woke up. Anxious and couldn’t fall back asleep

6:15am woke up/got up, feeling nervous/sick and had bowel movement

7am listening to Claire weekes and writing on SA. 
 

feel like it’s Groundhog Day and I hate it. Nervous and sad and tired. Upset that even with my continuous sleep meditations I seemed to wake up more than ever. 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

On 1/25/2021 at 2:10 AM, Shep said:

I would hold the antidepressant at this dose until you're able to reinstate the birth control and see how that affects you. You've given the AD reinstatement about 2 weeks already and haven't experienced anything negative, no adverse or hyper-reactive response. 

Shep, I realized just now that I had reinstated birth control Feb 14th. Should I add to my signature? Earlier in the thread I said I also remember been a little more stable on birth control in years past. I wonder if my slight improvement was partially due to that. I feel like I’m having a horrible last week and realized I’m due to start my period this week. Maybe it’s PMS which I attributed to a wd wave. I felt bad (angry and really upset) the morning I started my taper, but before took the lower amount. Sometimes being a female sucks. 

[Shep]

15 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Shep, I realized just now that I had reinstated birth control Feb 14th. Should I add to my signature? Earlier in the thread I said I also remember been a little more stable on birth control in years past. I wonder if my slight improvement was partially due to that. I feel like I’m having a horrible last week and realized I’m due to start my period this week. Maybe it’s PMS which I attributed to a wd wave. I felt bad (angry and really upset) the morning I started my taper, but before took the lower amount. Sometimes being a female sucks. 

 

Yes, please go ahead and add this to your signature. The more information, the better. 

 

Account Settings - Create or Update Your Signature

 

It's hard to tell PMS from a withdrawal wave. The best thing to do is to hold and do lots of self care. At least you know this type of hormonal wave will get better over the coming week or so. 

[BooBoo19]

Hello @tryingtosurvive330

I have not posted on yours before but have just read your posts. I was only on Lexapro for only 7 weeks and it was awful for me, I stopped taking them 6 weeks ago without tapering (stupid I know) but that is what I was advised.  On my first day of not taking it, I told my husband that I wanted to end my life and was very concerned (this has only happened on medication).  I was suffering from depression and anxiety following the death of my mother but in hindsight I should have just accepted it as grief.  What I am trying to say is, I am very frustrated at still having intense feelings of anxiety, struggle to sleep, very low appetite where I have lost nearly 2 stone in weight over 6 months ( there are better ways to lose weight I consider).  I am a senior manager and went back to work 2 weeks ago after having 5 months away.  It is incredibly hard but I also follow Claire Weeks and have found that getting out the house only for 1 day per week (with face masks) and seeing other people helped me but also raised my anxiety but I had to push myself as staying at home was also making me miserable.  My health anxiety and intrusive thoughts spiked and although there are not as powerful so it does fade just very very slowly.  I am much better than I was when I first stopped but have to accept that I still have a very long away to go.  My weight loss is from spending 4 months on 2 different SSRI's with brutal side effects (being told each time to ride them out and get over the hump) and then straight into withdrawal.  I have to make myself eat. It sucks!!! You are doing the right thing of tapering, it will get easier but if you are inpatient, like me, it is not quick enough.  I told my mum when she was dying that I would grab life by the balls and live everyday as if it is my last.  I have been depressed and anxious ever since and have not enjoyed one day yet.  Covid is not helping anything but I am sending you great vibes across the pond.  I would never ever have believed from being on the medication for as short a period of time that I was I would have experienced what I have and you have been on longer.  Keep reading the success stories, we are the poor souls who have to suffer withdrawal.  Sending you good thoughts.  

[tryingtosurvive330]

Mar11-Mar12

8:30am work. Half working, but not really...until 1pm

1pm forced small lunch 

2pm started work again

2:30pm so drowsy, fell asleep for 20 mins. Kept having flashes of anxiety/nightmares but in my stupor was able to tell myself it wasn’t real and it was only thoughts. 
3-4:30pm work meeting and I felt like I helped/contributed. Felt ok. After, basically didn’t work til end of day. Reread my thread on SA until 6 on computer to try to see any improvement on sleep. 
6pm small dinner. Had a few bites of leftover steak from night before that dad made and I think it upset my stomach both nights. Tried not to go back on SA but I did until 7:30. 
8:30-9pm tried to pay attention to tv

9-9:20pm going upstairs settling down, laid down. 
10pm asleep with sleep meditations on loop

1am woke up

2:20am woke up 

5am woke up

5:52am awake. Listened to Claire weekes until I had to leave. Office wants us to come in one day a week which gave me a lot of anxiety. I have been hiding at my moms house. 
6:45am left moms house

8am arrived at my house. Got ready for work and drove to work which takes 30 mins. As I was getting ready, and driving, listened to mad in America web meeting on science of psychiatric withdrawal

 

Mar12-Mar13

9am arrived at office. Escitalopram microdose in car before going in. Scanning lot hoping this wouldn’t be the day boss and others were in the office so I could go in and leave unnoticed

10-11am meeting. Feeling down. Two people I didn’t want to face in office. Office door closed most of the day so it looks like I’m on meetings and don’t have to create small talk. Feeling sad

11:45 lunch with another coworker. Told him a lot of my issues with work lately. Was ok. Barely ate

3pm check in with boss again. Started crying and said I’m still overwhelmed and anxious. He kind of made it sound like my hurt from this place is too deep and to let him know if I didn’t want to come back. It was too much for me to handle. felt horrible. 
5pm since I was leaving, talked to one person I’d been avoiding. It was ok

5:30-6:30pm driving home and talking on phone with coworker who has been really concerned about me and telling me I need to go on leave. 6pm arrived back home and thought for 5 minutes if I could stay there. I decided I couldn’t and drove back to moms house. 
7:30pm arrived back at moms. Ate decent amount of dinner. Felt relief being back. Feeling incredibly exhausted and drained. 
8pm tv on but again reading SA thread on morning cortisol spike. It’s so long but I got through about half. Still don’t know what to do or try to help my awful mornings. 
10pm falling asleep on couch. Moved upstairs, turned iPad on just thinking I will let the sleep come again instead of trying. Moving when I’m falling asleep usually gives me the expectation that I should fall asleep as soon as I go to bed, didn’t want this. 
11pm fell asleep watching Netflix propped up in bed

12am woke up. Laid down, sleep meditations on, iPad on low

4am woke up 

5am woke up 

5:40am woke up. Anxiety. Awake til 7 reading rest of SA cortisol thread. Still feel like there’s not many options, it was just so long and strayed from the topic a lot and at points many people were (understandably) just restating their symptoms and complaints. bowel movement from anxiety/upset stomach

7am put back eye mask and turned on sleep meditations. Kept falling asleep but being jolted back awake from anxious dreams/thoughts. 
7:50 still in bed writing on SA. 

 

I feel like because I really went to bed later than normal my four hour chunk of sleep was just shifted to later. So even though I didn’t wake up at 2am it just shifted to 4am and then I didn’t get a good second 1.5 hour chuck like I had been. 
 

[tryingtosurvive330]

 

On 3/12/2021 at 4:12 AM, BooBoo19 said:

where I have lost nearly 2 stone in weight over 6 months ( there are better ways to lose weight I consider).

@BooBoo19 thank you for reading my thread and sharing your story with me. I had to Google how much weight a stone is (I’ve heard it many times but never knew) and yes, I’m in very much the same situation.  Lexapro made me gain over 2 stone over the 2 years I took it. I have lost 1 stone since January. Like you, I know this is a terrible way to lose it even though I’m still overweight compared to what I should be. It created lots more anxiety for me. 
 

On 3/12/2021 at 4:12 AM, BooBoo19 said:

 I am a senior manager and went back to work 2 weeks ago after having 5 months away.  It is incredibly hard but I also follow Claire Weeks and have found that getting out the house only for 1 day per week (with face masks) and seeing other people helped me but also raised my anxiety but I had to push myself as staying at home was also making me miserable.

How was it going back after 5 months? I will be trying to take leave in a few weeks. I am adding on the second fear as Claire weekes says because I’m very afraid I won’t feel better later. Trying to manage that but I still feel like I’m not doing it right. I have also been seeing one friend, one day a week when I can (I don’t have too many friends. I graduated around the time the housing bubble burst and all my friends moved away because there were no jobs.). It feels nice when I’m out but I always feel horrible when it starts to end and I know I have to go back to feeling the way I do. I get very confused with acceptance versus distraction. I feel with distraction I am am not accepting because when I am distracted I’m less anxious (only in very specific situations and people). When you were off for 5 months, how did it feel?

 

I wish there were a way for several of us who understand what each other is going through to meet in some way. I imagine it would be very comforting to have a circle of friends who do not judge and believe that this is a very serious ailment caused by the drugs that were supposed to help. Or maybe it would create more rumination on the awfulness of everything. 
 

I do know that my anxiety is not as crippling as it was two months ago. However I still question whether reinstatement was a helping factor as the anxiety waned before the reinstatement. Part of me wonders if I’m prolonging this hell by going back on. But out of fear of change and damaging myself even more, I’m trying very hard to stay the course and remember that stability is what I need. I don’t feel like I have that in any aspect of my life right now.