tryingtosurvive330: extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach

March 14, 2021

2 stone is showing my age and that I am in the UK. I am too sensitive to SSRIs and Lexapro was really poor for me the 7 weeks that I was on it, It overstimulated me so could not eat and trouble sleeping although not as bad as now. Going back to work was hard although I am on a phased return for a month. I am not fit enough but thought something else to ficus on may help. Plus, I had taken 5 months off last year to care for my mum so felt guilty. I feel that I am getting worse and had some DR/DP today which I have never had. IS tarted to take St Johns Wort to help with the withdrawals (upon advice from my GP) but actually think this making me worse so I feel that I have messed up again. You have friends on here from all over the world and how lucky are we to have such a good support network. See how you go with the reinstatement you never know. I was on Effexor for 5 years and taper off over 16 months my friend who is a GP used laugh at me and say that it was due to my anxiety but I never had any trouble at all, whereas others feel it is the most poisonous drug. Whereas, I think Lexapro is, it is unfortunately down to each individual person. I fully understand how you feel and when I read stories the utter desperation that we all feel to try and understand it better and get better asap. I think that is why I took St Johns Wort but actually I should have just taken it slow and simple and just let ourselves heal. During the evening I have some windows, but dread going to bed because sleep is very poor and I wake up with massive anxiety and immense cortisol spikes. Think positive, I know how hard is it but that is all we have.

March 14, 2021

Last night I tried vitamin c to see if it would help my cortisol spike. Felt inconclusive. and there was a time change (1 hour forward) in the middle of the night which is making me feel like I have less time to rest.

Mar13-Mar14

8:20-9am sat in shower, then filled up bath. Was running out of hot water and it stressed me that I couldn’t stay in longer without it getting cold.
9-10am sitting on couch feeling depressed

10-10:30am sat in sun, laid down for a couple minutes listening to Claire weekes. Went back inside, turned on tv, on SA too much. Just being a lump not doing anything. Couldn’t bring myself to even try to do one thing.
11am for a moment thought that if I had an exercise bike ready and set up I would like to do it for 5 minutes.
11:05am had a very fleeting thought of imagining being with friends and enjoying it. Went away fast and I was back to being down.

1pm small lunch. No appetite. I could tell it tasted good but I couldn’t enjoy at all.
2-3:30pm napped. Some uncomfortable dreams. Toward the end, mom woke up abruptly with a question. I was irritated and unpleasant.
4:10:4:40pm walked in local garden with mom. Had not wanted to go (both of us are always saying “do you want to? We can if you want to.” Hoping the other will say no, let’s stay in. But I forced myself to get up slowly.
7pm medium dinner. Again didn’t enjoy

9:25pm sitting on couch tv on. Mom asked more questions and I got upset. Simple questions really upset me. I got mad and said I was stressed, she hugged me and went upstairs and I started crying. Before that, I was mentally preparing to go to sleep and my eyes felt droopy. Now, I was wide awake so I felt like I had to stay awake to calm down.
10:15pm 1000mg vitamin C

10:30pm went to bed, laying there watching iPad.
11pm fell asleep

4:30am woke up. Felt like I had been awake for awhile. This was not 5.5 hours of sleep, it was 4.5 because of the time change at 2am. Took another 1000mg of vitamin C

6:30-7am awake. Anxiety. Two Calm anxiety meditations and telling myself the anxiety is just feelings and they cannot hurt me. Bowel movement because of anxious stomach

March 14, 2021

Hi Trying

FWIW, I've seen a lot of research that says crying is a great way to relieve stress and make room for positive feelings if you can open up to them. Sometimes the feelings just build up so much we need to find a way to let them out. Crying can be very therapeutic. Try not to judge yourself too harshly right now. You're dealing with a lot at work and with your WD; that's a lot for anyone to handle. Try to take comfort in the support you're getting here, and it sounds like your Mom is trying as well. Things will get better.

March 14, 2021

I’m so utterly depressed today that I’m wondering if I should go back on something and taper down the right way when I feel better. My brother, who understands and agrees with how I feel about big pharma and these drugs, still said but maybe something could get you through this. Maybe it’s not this drug, but another could. He understands that I feel like these are addictive and that they caused this in the first place, they changed the structure of my brain, but I am wondering if the journey could be alleviated by taking a small dose of something else and then eliminating it over years.

I do wonder if that is true.

March 14, 2021

@mstimc I was trying to tell myself that too, about the crying. Today I cried a lot and felt really bad about myself and this situation. I can’t feel open to the positive today. I’m really debating going on something. My brother said that with this, I’m putting patient and doctor responsibility on myself and that’s a lot of pressure. I explained to him that doctors won’t listen about this and he agreed, but still said it takes time to find one who will and rightfully should respect the decision that I don’t want to be on meds. But he still said something might help me get through this spot. It might not, but what if it did? I’m just so confused. I don’t know if I’m getting worse or just so sick of feeling this way. I don’t want to make myself worse and not knowing which direction would do that, kills me. Maybe I should just go to a psychiatrist.

March 14, 2021

I'm not an expert on reinstatement or switching meds, so I'll defer to Mods who are. I can only speak from my own experience. It took me time to get my taper right, and it was still a struggle. I was where you are--wondering if I'd ever get better or feel normal--just hoping for some sign of improvement. It will come, probably when you're not expecting it.

March 14, 2021

2 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Maybe I should just go to a psychiatrist.

When I found a therapist who understood the reality of WD, it was a godsend. He taught me a lot of coping skills, but it was nice to just talk to someone about how I was feeling without being judged or someone telling me to "get over it."

March 15, 2021

@Shep @Altostrata would you mind giving me your thoughts on going back up in my dose of lexapro to something that is not a microdose (like 5mg) or bridging to something like Prozac which I could then taper properly later, now that I know the proper way?

I know it has not been that long, but I feel so bad. My sleep is pretty consistent at the amounts I’ve been getting but it’s really still bothering me that I cannot seem to get any restorative rest. I’ve been meditating every day, started doing gentle yoga, short walks. But I have the scary feeling that it’s easier to be dead.

To preface, I don’t think I ever wrote this on my thread: when I began taking lexapro, it did take away my anxiety and depression, however I would sleep through entire weekends, isolated myself from family and friends, and ate through everything as junk food felt like the only thing that could bring me a little happiness. I’d also sit and blankly watch the same tv show over and over for hours on end. I knew it was weird but didn’t think it was a big problem for the whole two years as long as no one knew about it, because I thought it was embarrassing. Now I know that it was probably some kind of adverse reaction to the lexapro, which is why I’m asking about a bridge.

I am also trying to find a psychiatrist that believes in wd and does not want to overmedicate me as I’m really afraid of doing this, because of potential additional damage to my CNS.

March 16, 2021

I took 2.5mg of escitalopram today. I emailed and called several psychiatrists yesterday and spoke to one this morning who said if I'm suffering I should try to go up to 5mg and maybe 10mg, rather than disabling myself for who knows how long. I was scared to do 5mg so I tried 2.5mg. I was having suicidal thoughts the last few days.

March 16, 2021

Hang in there. You have to do what is right for you. I'm hoping this helps you find peace.

March 17, 2021

I took 5mg lexapro today under yesterday’s doctors suggestion (found on SA and he writes for mad in America) And I took 25mg Benadryl last night because I was wide awake 9-230am.

please can anyone offer me some support, I feel incredibly alone. I’m so scared. I’m so scared im going to be like this forever and I’ve permanently damaged myself.

March 17, 2021

Hey @tryingtosurvive330 hang in there! If you read my thread. Im sort of in a jam right now as well. Im lost, and dont know what to do anymore. Im in search of a new doctor that would help with my situation. All the psychiatrists at Kaiser have no clue. It looks like I have to find a psychiatrist outside of Kaiser and would have to pay a lot for it. I am on 2 srris, when I taper a low amount on either, I get really bad wds. It is confusing and frustrating. It was recommended to try the Prozac bridge, but I doubt my current doctor knows how to do it properly. I'm scared that Ill end up in real pain and be on disability again, and without support from my doctor. Just reaching out to let you know you are not alone.

March 17, 2021

@DiscJockeythank you, I feel so bad, just so bad. I’m sitting here trying to work and I can’t tolerate anything. I do the yoga in the morning and nothing seems to work, and I don’t even feel like I’m panicking, I’m just sitting here feeling completely black and dead inside like I am not a human being.

March 17, 2021

This feeling of emptiness isn't unusual. I dealt with it during my recovery. Your nervous system is so wrung out by WD and anxiety, there's just nothing left, even for positive feelings. I went through a couple of months at work when I had to close the door and listen to a calming audio over and over just to make it through the day. It gradually faded away and left room for more positive emotions. I know it seems like it'll never get better, but it will. Be patient and kind with yourself.

March 17, 2021

@mstimci feel so scared right now, did you feel that way? This feels so much worse than the empty depression. I feel really doomed and like everything is bad and the meds have me hostage or kidnapped.

March 17, 2021

27 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

@mstimci feel so scared right now, did you feel that way? This feels so much worse than the empty depression. I feel really doomed and like everything is bad and the meds have me hostage or kidnapped.

Yes, I had those feelings, too. Just waiting for something to go horribly wrong. That's your anxious mind trying to keep you in its grip. Just keep telling yourself that your thoughts and reality are two different things. Maybe try making a gratitude journal of positive things you notice each day. Anything to crowd out the negative ruminations will help!

March 17, 2021

@tryingtosurvive330 I know the feeling, I am back working onsite now. Working from home was really nice, but ever since they mandated all of us to come back onsite, my wd symptoms have been amped up. I am sitting now just trying to be in my body but its hard. Its this terror feeling that is lightweight but feels it can get stronger.

March 18, 2021

23 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I’m just sitting here feeling completely black and dead inside like I am not a human being.

@tryingtosurvive330I decided to come over and see about your story...read through some of it, (at work so don't have much time)
4 years ago during my "school spring break" (I'm a teacher) I had my first experience of WD. I felt exactly the same way. I literally felt like something was messed up with my brain. Did a CT scan of my brain and they found nothing wrong. I literally felt dead. Walked around like a zombie. My mom said I literally had glass eyes....like just staring off into space...with ZERO emotions!!! I am 5'8" and normally around 120. I lost about 12 lbs....looking sickly!!! I would literally gag (almost throw up) after each bite I took. I literally had to FORCE MYSELF to eat. A tiny bit each day. (sweet potatoes....I remember eating those some) My mom would make me drink a full glass of whole chocolate milk each day (trying to put calories in my body) At the time my girls were 5 and 7. This is horrible and embarrassing to say...but I didn't care about their welfare. I just didn't care about a darn thing!!! My mom came to live with us for a while, and I literally told my principal I couldn't finish out the year (although I was able to muster enough strength to get up and go to work day to day) and slowly it got better. But, that was after reinstating my AD's.
It looks like no one has responded. I would maybe jump up to 5? You might feel bad for a week or so...but just make it through...and let it do it's thing. Stabilizing you.

March 18, 2021

@Krisseyb thanks for coming here and caring. I just responded on your thread too. I took 5mg for two days now and hoping and wishing some of this terror goes away. I’m so scared that it won’t.

i totally understand about not caring about things you think you should care about. I never judge about that because I know what torture this is. My mom is the only reason I’m eating too and i want to throw up when I eat too. Sometimes I take deep breaths and just shove the food in barely chewing because I know I need something to survive but I feel so sick doing it. I’ve basically been living with her since January because I cannot take care of myself. My house is sitting there unattended and things to fix.

I felt like I was at least stabilizing over the last couple months but then I crashed harder this time so I’m just scared of everything. I’m scared nothing will work. I’m trying to see that this will pass and the feelings are temporary but the sheer terror blocks me from it.

March 18, 2021

On 3/13/2021 at 9:35 AM, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I get very confused with acceptance versus distraction. I feel with distraction I am am not accepting because when I am distracted I’m less anxious (only in very specific situations and people).

Distraction is a form of acceptance and surrender (in the positive sense of the word). Distraction is actually a very powerful tool because by the simple act of diverting your thoughts, you're robbing your anxious mind of the attention it needs to survive. You are actively replacing negative ruminations with positive thoughts and actions. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it shows you have the ability to push negative and anxious thinking to the back of your mind. My first real window was when I was distracted and focused on my son's band performance. It was empowering even when I slipped back into a wave. So keep up with positive distractions as much as you can!

Edited March 18, 2021 by mstimc

March 19, 2021

I don’t pray but if any of you do, will you please pray for me. I feel absolutely awful and very scared but trying so hard to see the other side.

day 3 of 5mg and I’m terrified. My dad went to emergency last night for bowel obstruction. Right before I was watching videos on suicide (how to cope with the feelings and why not to do it) and took 1 Benadryl and slept a little before he texted us that he went to the hospital.

I think SA is making me really fearful. Lots of horror stories on here. I need support but I’m confused and so frightened. Please just keep me in your thoughts and hope that I can get through this.

March 19, 2021

I will pray and keep you in my thoughts @tryingtosurvive330. Hang in there. I am feeling what you are feeling as well. I did a slight decrease on my Lexapro a couple days ago and have been feeling it since. Burning sensation on my back. Anxiety and terror when I wake up in the morning. Its awful right now for me.

March 19, 2021

Praying for you - I reinstated Lexapro on Jan 13th, around the same time as you. This is a terrible situation that we are in and I'm confident we will stabilize and improve.

March 19, 2021

Praying for you also, we are going through it and it's tough. Any emergency that happens right now gets blown out of proportion.

I hope your father will be fine .

March 19, 2021

On 3/9/2021 at 7:43 PM, mstimc said:

Trying, I remember my anxiety spiked when I was on the verge of the my last dose. I think its the anticipation of finally being done and over, and asking ourselves "What now"? especially if we haven't had much perceived improvement. We tell ourselves we should be getting better as the dose decreases. I don't think there's a direct relationship--your body and mind heal on their own times. But I can say my recovery ramped up after I stopped.

That’s interesting @mstimc

how long was your taper from beginning to end and did you have symptoms all the way through ?
I have lots of symptoms and I’m tapering 10% every 5 weeks of Paxil. I’m on 3.2mg.

what I have been meaning to ask you is I seem to remember you were on antidepressants because of depression snd anxiety. Were you worried that these two symptoms would remain with you after WD and if they did were they just as intense and how did you manage ?
now I am getting to a low dose I must admit I am wondering if I will still have depression and anxiety ( the reason I went on antidepressants to start with) once WD is over.

thank you and I’m sorry to ask this on someone else’s thread I couldn’t find yours.

March 19, 2021

13 minutes ago, Longroadhome said:

thank you and I’m sorry to ask this on someone else’s thread I couldn’t find yours.

Hi Longraod. No worries--I responded on your thread.

March 19, 2021

Hi Trying. Prayers and positive thoughts going your way. Know there a lot of people here who are supporting you!

April 4, 2021

@tryingtosurvive I'm praying for you❣️ You will make it through this!!!

Let us know how you are doing!! I'm thinking of you and send you a big hug!! We'll all be fine!!

April 9, 2021

@DiscJockey @Crochet @Jennings @Manati @mstimc

thank you all so much for sending me positive thoughts. I had about four days/nights of suicidal thoughts and was completely paralyzed and terrified. I saw a new psychiatrist who listened to me for over an hour and she seemed understanding. But out of desperation, I’m now on 5mg Escitalopram plus 10mg fluoxetine. She wanted to try 20mg but said I need to be comfortable with whatever we do because otherwise I won’t get better. So she said ok to 10mg...with the anticipation of going up to 20mg and tapering off the Escitalopram (bridging basically...all the same stuff we have read on here, with the hope that the longer half life of fluoxetine will help or act as a a barrier from Escitalopram wd).

the extreme suicidal feelings have faded. I spent the last two and a half weeks with my brother again. Uncovered lots of painful traumas through my therapist and unintentionally from my mom blurting out “family secrets” to me which made me question a lot of my identity. I am likely going to attend some kind of inpatient program. FMLA was just approved from work.

im not having the intense anxiety now but I just feel flat and sad/depressed and not hopeful for the future. Just going day by day waiting for night to come.

April 9, 2021

@tryingtosurvive330 bless you. I know the feeling all too well. I would just wait and stabilize, then slow taper from there. I might be attempting the bridge soon, just waiting to get a new doctor to help me do it. All the doctors in Kaiser I have been with have no clue. So this doctor that is willing to help me hopefully, is well known, but I have to pay out of pocket. I don't mind paying as long as I know I am getting the utmost care and understanding. Hope you feel better soon. It can feel like eternity even though you know that what you're feeling is just a chemical warfare, and not actually you. Hang in there!

April 10, 2021

Hi Trying

We all need to do what we need to recover. I think the "flatness" you're feeling may be your CNS resetting. I went through a period of emptiness as well, after the extremes of far and anxiety but before my emotions began to return. And its great you were able to get FMLA--let that be one concern you don't have to worry about. Sending positive thoughts your way!

April 27, 2021

Hey @tryingtosurvive330, just wanted to check up on you and say hi. I just started taking a small bit (1mg) of Prozac in liquid form this past Sunday. I have a new psychiatrist as well, an integrative/holistic one. We are going to try the bridge. So I wanted to see how you are doing. Our goal is to get rid of the small dose of Paxil I am on and then move to get rid of the Lexapro. Hopefully I will just be on one type of SSRI (Prozac). Then I can slowly taper off of that.

But let me know how your bridge is going, I would like to compare notes. I am scared a little right now, last thing I want is a bad reaction, or end up being on 3 ssris. Or get serotonin syndrome.

April 27, 2021

Hi @DiscJockey, I totally understand your fear. I have not had any adverse effects of being on 5mg Escitalopram and 10mg fluoxetine. I am more afraid of what will happen when I try to taper off the Escitalopram. Terrified, actually. I didn’t titrate up to either dose...I basically took 2.5mg Escitalopram for a day then went straight to 5. Fluoxetine I immediately took 10. I have been doing much better, suicidal thoughts and intense fear and anxiety have subsided a lot, but, I also took 8 weeks off of work which was creating a lot of turmoil for me feeling wise.

did you speak with your doctor about the serotonin syndrome concern? My psychiatrist specifically said I’m ok low doses of both so I shouldn’t worry and that she would even put a note in to the pharmacist (I didn’t voice any concern). But you’re on almost the max of Escitalopram I think? I don’t blame you for being worried about that. Could you also ask for another opinion?

June 17, 2021

I see you haven't posted in a while - I hope you are doing a lot better meanwhile? Sending you hugs!

June 19, 2021

@Manati hello! So nice to hear from you. I still follow your thread and a few others but yes, I have been staying away from the site for awhile because I started to spiral and I think constantly being on here was putting more fear than hope in me. I am doing better. Not good by any means, but as a last resort I went on a half dose of fluoxetine and back on a half dose on Escitalopram. I’m tapering down on the Escitalopram already but very fearful of the process, so trying to tell myself it’s ok that I have to be on this right now (even though the med itself is what created this dependency). I started to think that even if I have to be on this forever to not feel horrible all the time, well I think I might rather have that than years of suffering. I’m still going to try very hard and very cautiously to come off.

ive been on leave for work for about three months and will likely quit for good in the next couple weeks, which is very anxiety inducing for me. My brain feels very cluttered and overwhelmed.

I hope you are in a slightly better state than a few months ago as well? Thank you for thinking of me, it really does remind me that people care and a couple months ago I could not accept that as truth. I’m slowly feeling things again but of course it’s more pain than happiness. I started crying a lot this past week, again.

@DiscJockey I hope you are doing ok with your bridge, too. I’m past the hump of being terrified to be on two medications but it was scary.

June 19, 2021

Oh, I'm so glad you are feeling a little bit better, I was really worried about you a while ago. So it seems you made the right decision with reinstating the Escitalopram/introducing the fluoxetine. I'm sure you'll be fine when you cautiously taper off it.

That's cool you are off work now, I'm sure this is good for you at this point. And just trust yourself, I'm sure quitting the job is the right thing to do if that's how you feel. You'll be fine!

I know the feeling of the cluttered and overwhelmed brain so well!!

I'm still in a scary place - a few of the physical symptoms have improved, but the complete emotional anesthesia and anhedonia freak me out. I can't live like that, I feel stuck in a neverending nightmare! I see you went through a phase of 'flatness', too - was that after you reinstated? I'm so glad it seems to be over for you! I so wish I could feel anything, even the painful feelings. I'm so scared not to get out of this zombiemode... Anyway, I'm relieved that you're on a good way, I do care about you and was praying for you a few weeks ago. 💗

tryingtosurvive330: extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach

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