catmama: Introduction

[littlebird]

New manufacturers have thrown me for a loop more than once this year! Well-spotted, glad you had some of the old ones on hand and hope you feel better soon.

[catmama]

It's now been six days that I switched back to the manufacturer mix that I was tolerating. I saw a drastic shift in the dizziness after about three days. It had been a 9/10 severity for over two weeks and went down to a 7, and today I'd rate it at a 5 or 6. So, overall improvement. I still don't feel well physically in general - fatigue, dizziness/lightheadedness, stomach upset and nausea, tinnitus, tremors. But seeing the improvement gives me hope that I will be back in a window eventually. 

 

In therapy last week I did EMDR to help with ACCEPTANCE of my situation. I'm still having a hard time though. I feel a lot of anger, sadness, regret, resentment, and grief. Which I'm sure is common among those of us on this tapering and withdrawal journey. Later tonight I will spend some time reading through the threads on coping. 

[Emonda]

2 minutes ago, catmama said:

So, overall improvement.

 

Excellent

 

2 minutes ago, catmama said:

I still don't feel well physically in general - fatigue, dizziness/lightheadedness, stomach upset and nausea, tinnitus, tremors.

 

The dreaded WD symptoms....keep holding.

 

3 minutes ago, catmama said:

But seeing the improvement gives me hope that I will be back in a window eventually. 

 

Time and continued patience...

 

4 minutes ago, catmama said:

Later tonight I will spend some time reading through the threads on coping. 

 

Sounds like a good plan, Catmama 

[catmama]

I met with my naturopathic doctor last week. She ordered several extensive tests to check just about every system of my body. Most came back normal. The only ones that were abnormal were my cholesterol (it's always been high despite me eating low carb and being in good shape), my blood sugar and A1c (are on the borderline of being high because of recent weight gain), and my cortisol, which is low when it should be high, and high when it should be low.  Not surprising to me considering the chronic stress I've been under emotionally and physiologically due to WD, singe life and working full time, personal emotional issues, PTSD, etc for the past 12-15 years. I've also struggled with my weight since starting SSRI's ten years ago and have never been able to get back to my pre-antidepressant weight, despite my many hard-fought attempts at losing weight. 

 

She has prescribed me a few supplements to encourage normal cortisol levels, which I will list below. I am so tired of being tired all the time and would love to actually have some energy when I wake up for once in my life. But I also have read on here that some of the ingredients listed below have adverse affects on people in WD. So I'm a little wary of starting everything. I think I will start small and see how I feel after two weeks, and go from there. 

 

The dizziness has been about a 4/10 severity still. I'd love if it could go back to 0. I can tell I'm PMSing right now because I want to cry my eyes out and take a nap. I'm so so so so sick of never feeling completely well. 

 

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My doc explained the results above. My cortisol is too low upon waking, never reaches a high-enough level in the morning, drops too much in the afternoon, and doesn't drop enough at nighttime. 

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Supplements recommended by naturopathic doc:

 

1. HPA Adapt by Integrative Therapeutics, amounts are for one daily dose, first thing in the morning. 

• Rhodiola Root Extract … 400 mg
• Ashwagandha Root and Leaf Extract … 300 mg
• Eleuthero Root Extract … 300 mg
• Holy Basil Leaf Extract … 200 mg
• MacaPure® brand Maca Root Extract  … 150 mg

2. Cortisol Manager by Integrative Therapuetics, amounts are for one daily dose, taken before bed.

• Stress-Reducing Proprietary Blend … 500 mg - Ashwagandha (Withania somnifera) (Sensoril® brand) root and leaf extract, L-theanine (Suntheanine®)
• Cortisol-Reducing Proprietary Blend … … 450 mg - Magnolia (Magnolia officinalis) bark extract standardized to contain 2% honokiol and 1% magnolol, epimedium (Epimedium spp.) aerial parts extract
• SharpPS® Green Soy Free phosphatidylserine … 100 mg

3. Vitamin C, 2000mg per day

 

4. Liquid Vitamin D3 with K2

• Vitamin D3 ... 25mcg (1,000IU)
• Vitamin K2 ... 10mcg

 

 

[catmama]

Happy New Year, all! 

 

I added the vitamin C and new vitamin D into my supplement regiment and those are going fine. I tried the Cortisol Manager for a few nights, and had poor sleep (night sweats, frequent waking, etc) so I discontinued it. I am going to hold off on trying the HPA Adapt supplement for now as well. 

 

Thankfully, I have been in a window the past week or so. It's not quite as good as windows I had before my breakdown, but I feel mostly stable. I've had some stomach upset still but the dizziness has lessened significantly. The hypersensitivity to light, sound, heat, emotional triggers, etc is still there, but part of me wonders if that is just innate in me, because I recall having heightened reactions even before meds. I haven't returned to the gym yet, which I am missing, but I will re-incorporate exercise slowly as the window continues.

 

I had originally planned to resume my taper in the new year. I'm going to see how I feel over the next week and if I continue to be stable, I think I will resume the taper. I'm scared, but I want to get through the last of this and come out on the other side med free.

 

I hope everyone had a pleasant and peaceful holiday season and I hope 2024 brings healing and happiness to all of us! 

[KenA]

7 minutes ago, catmama said:

Thankfully, I have been in a window the past week or so. It's not quite as good as windows I had before my breakdown, but I feel mostly stable.

This is a great thing!!! I remember when I started to get the extended windows!!! A ray of light shining through the clouds!! You are getting there!! One day at a time!! 

[catmama]

The time has come… I’ve officially resumed my taper today. After a six month hold, I’m as stable as I think I’ll ever be. So time to trudge forward. I’ll be starting with the Brassmonkey microtaper schedule and just see how it goes. 

[Catina7]

7 hours ago, catmama said:

The time has come… I’ve officially resumed my taper today. After a six month hold, I’m as stable as I think I’ll ever be. So time to trudge forward. I’ll be starting with the Brassmonkey microtaper schedule and just see how it goes. 

 

I wish you ALL the best with your taper.  I resumed my own taper on January 1st, so we're starting around the same time.  I know how momentous of a moment it is when you officially "start."  It's a big deal, isn't it?  I've been telling myself that I need to do this 'come what may' so I can give others HOPE that it can be done!  

[catmama]

6 hours ago, Catina7 said:

I wish you ALL the best with your taper.  I resumed my own taper on January 1st, so we're starting around the same time. 

 

Thank you Catina7! I hope your taper goes smoothly and we both cross that finish line safely and quickly! 

[catmama]

It’s been five days since resuming my taper. I feel about the same as I have for the past several months: mostly just exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s hard to say if it’s from WD… or from life. I’m mid-30s, single/never married, no kids, recently experienced an emotionally abusive relationship and painful breakup, work 40+ hrs a weeks at a job I tolerate but don’t love, I don’t have very many friends, my best friend isn’t talking to me anymore and I don’t know why, I don’t have the physical ability to lift weights anymore (used to be my best coping mechanism). My days consist of dragging myself out of bed, trudging through my workday, come home, feed my cat and feed myself, watch TV for an hour or two, do chores, then go to bed. I have very little time to myself, and when I do have time, I rarely have energy to spare. I have good things in my life too - financial stability, loving parents and siblings, my cat, amazing EMDR therapist, understanding boss. But I still feel so empty so much of the time, and like I’m barely making it through the days. Life and the last dregs of my youth are just slipping away. The depression of life is just falling on me like an avalanche. And so much of it I DO attribute to WD. It’s like being trapped in my own body. If I had my full energy and health, I’d be able to be more social, maybe even date, and travel internationally and actually live a life I dreamed for myself. Feeling sick and anxious everyday (bc of WD) prevents me from doing that. I can handle feeling sick and anxious once in a while, we all can, but when it’s day after day, month after month, it’s too much. I don’t even know where I’m going with this post but I guess I just wanted to vent/share bc this is one of the few outlets I’ve found where people actually understand the hell that is WD. 

[catmama]

One week at my first 2.5% drop and I don’t feel ready to do another drop this week. I feel utterly defeated. I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t keep doing this for years on end. Trapped in my body. My nervous system being held hostage by 0.98mg of a toxic chemical that I never needed. I don’t know what to do anymore. Every option is like choosing between torture devices- no matter what I choose, I’m suffering. 

[Catina7]

14 hours ago, catmama said:

One week at my first 2.5% drop and I don’t feel ready to do another drop this week. I feel utterly defeated. I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t keep doing this for years on end. Trapped in my body. My nervous system being held hostage by 0.98mg of a toxic chemical that I never needed. I don’t know what to do anymore. Every option is like choosing between torture devices- no matter what I choose, I’m suffering. 

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling at your wits end @catmama.  You're SO very close, don't give up!  I know sometimes the end-game taper can be the hardest, so don't beat yourself up too much, you're doing the best you can.  I know what it feels like to feel "trapped" by a chemical. You may need to just hold where you are until you stabilize.  Maybe you can try even smaller reductions to make things easier on your nervous system.  I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you, so keep persevering.  

 

Make sure you're not taking any supplements or consuming anything that could be hindering your progress...maybe just double check everything.  Sometimes a supplement we took before may not be agreeing with us at this point in time.

 

Maybe reading through some of the success stories might give you some encouragement right now.  I hope things stabilize for you soon!  

[catmama]

Thank you for the encouragement @Catina7.  I will definitely slow down and re-evaluate what I'm taking in (sups, diet, etc).

 

I think the big factor that I keep bringing up and not changing, is my job. I only do it because I need the income. Not because I love the work or it's my passion or anything like that. I'm lucky to be good at engineering, but I wouldn't say I enjoy it. It's just a paycheck to me. And I hate my schedule. Working 40 hrs a week, four days in the office, one day WFH - it's just soul-crushing. Not to mention it forces me to slow my taper to slower than a crawl just so that I can survive work everyday with minimal symptoms (which lately I haven't even been able to do). These thoughts of quitting my job (and finding some other way to provide for myself financially that's more in tune with my heart) is not new or impulsive; it's something I circle back to often.  I've reached burnout like this before and it was devastating. But years ago quitting my job, selling my house, moving in with my family, and taking care of myself led to some amazing rest, healing, and growth that I was desperately needing. If I learned anything in 2023 it was that my GUT, my blessed feminine intuition, is always right. Last night I spoke with my mother and she reassured me that if I do decide to quit my job and need to move back in with her and my dad for a while that I can. She encouraged me to leave work if it really is causing me so much anguish. And she has been my rock my entire life, and especially over these harrowing years of tapering and withdrawal. 

[Catina7]

37 minutes ago, catmama said:

Last night I spoke with my mother and she reassured me that if I do decide to quit my job and need to move back in with her and my dad for a while that I can. She encouraged me to leave work if it really is causing me so much anguish. And she has been my rock my entire life, and especially over these harrowing years of tapering and withdrawal. 

 

I'm so glad you have the wonderful support of your family!  Having lots of stress and negative energy in our lives can impede the healing process, there is no doubt about that!  I hope you can make a decision that will alleviate your angst and allow you time enough to rest, heal, and then recover!  😘

[tryingtosurvive330]

I am rooting for you, @catmama! I know how awful it feels and I know you don't feel it, but others are admiring how strong you are to continue working while going through everything you are feeling right now. I took FMLA from my job at my worst and eventually quit, and that process felt impossible but it was what I needed to heal as well. Like you, I'm lucky to have family members who would support me financially if it came down to it. I want you to know that I believe you can come out of this, because sometimes you need someone else to believe it for you. It is such hard work that most people don't understand. I'm so sorry you're going through it. I feel for you because I think we're similar in age, single, with demanding jobs but I too consider it just a paycheck - and I think that's ok. There are other things to care about. Hang in there!!

[catmama]

Thank you so much @tryingtosurvive330

I’m grateful you believe I’ll get through all this because I’m certainly having a hard time believing in my myself lately. 
 

I am 95% sure I am going to quit my job in the next few weeks and take some significant time off to heal. I’ve tried doing both, and find myself prioritizing my job over my health. Money can be made again, life and vitality cannot. So I owe it to myself to take the time to rest, heal, harmonize with nature, and nurture my spirit. I crunched some numbers and I have more than enough saved to get by until my lease is up in June, then move in with my parents if need be or find some other arrangement. And I will likely find a part time remote job in a few months just so that I can have some sort of income. But even just thinking about not having the pressure of work is such an instant relief. It feels right. 

[catmama]

Quick update:

 

I submitted my notice to my boss yesterday. My last day working will be a week from tomorrow. I was so nervous in the moments leading up to handing him that letter, but then instantly felt relief after. I'm already so excited to have time and energy to devote to myself and my health, and not have it all eaten up by work. I never thought that when I started this taper process three years ago that I would end up here. But such is life. In my therapy sesh today, we did EMDR and my positive cognition I tapped in was "I'm not stuck, I have the power to make choices, and I have the power to decide my future." It makes me feel so hopeful and brave. 

I am scheduled for another dose drop today but I am going to hold off until work is all wrapped up. I have a good feeling that once the stress of work is gone, my nervous system is really going to be able to heal without obstruction, and get through this final stretch of tapering. 

 

Thank you a thousand times to everyone on this site who provide me with encouragement, support, advice, prayers, guidance, and friendship! 

[Catina7]

Great news @catmama!  I definitely think you made the right decision.  I think that it will allow you to successfully taper off, heal, and recover!  I look forward to hearing more updates from you.  🥰

[tryingtosurvive330]

Very excited for you! It is such a relief to have that one big thing off your plate.

[catmama]

Update:

 

It's been two weeks now that I've not been working and I am SO GLAD I quit my job. I honestly can't even fathom now how I was able to tolerate working full time these past several months since my breakdown. 

 

I have still been having WD symptoms, mostly physical, which has been frustrating and depressing. I want to resume tapering, but I'm going to wait a little longer until I make another drop. I'm at 0.95mg and will drop to 0.90mg and hold for a least four weeks, then start back with the 10% drops. I don't like doing the weekly micro drops, feels like too many changes in too short a span. 

 

EMDR has been going well. I have regressed some, but my therapist reassures me that this is all part of the process, and overall my progress has been amazing. I encourage anyone who is struggling, and not getting results from traditional CBT therapy, to explore EMDR. 

[Catina7]

Glad to hear all your nice updates @catmama....keep up the great work!  🥰

[catmama]

I really need advice, I’m at a loss. 
 

Ever since “crashing” seven months ago (major emotional stress and a few regrettable dose changes), I have never felt well. I’ve stabilized in the sense that I’m no longer in daily crisis. But beyond that, I’m still having a really terrible time. My mood and emotional health are good and fairly stable! But everyday, I have debilitating physical symptoms: 

- fatigue 

- dizziness 

- lightheadedness/faintness

- nausea

- hypersensitivity to sound, light, and heat 

- rapid heart rate upon standing 

- severe tinnitus  

EVERYDAY!! It’s torturous. I can’t work. I can’t socialize. I can’t travel. I can’t go out. I’m a prisoner in my own body. 
 

I spoke with my parents yesterday and broke down crying telling them what I’ve been dealing with. They are both medical professionals and took the time to listen to me, which was very comforting. They both agreed I should just continue my taper, despite symptoms, and get this drug out of my system the sooner the better. I explained to them that there’s no guarantee that I’ll feel better once I’m fully off, and it could take many months to feel “normal” again. 
 

I just don’t know what to do. Should I hold and wait to be symptom free? Do I push through with tapering? 
 

I feel my life just slipping through my fingers and it’s breaking my heart to have to give up living a normal life while I’m in what should be my prime years. I’m scared that by the time I’m through all this, I’ll be on the other side of forty, still single and without friends, in an unhealthy, unattractive, weak body. 

 

 

[Catina7]

Sorry you feel stuck and don't know what to do.  Dealing with those symptoms day in and day out sounds really rough. 

 

Dr. Josef Witt-Doerring did a video about how to taper while still dealing with WD symptoms.  I hope you'll find it helpful.

 

How to Taper with Severe Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Hang in there!  🌺

 

 

[KenA]

@catmama Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time of it right now. I know how hard it is to feel like you are never going to heal and never going to get better. But I can tell you that it will happen for you. I know it's scary, but the healing process isn't easy. It requires an inner strength and the willpower to push through the hard times. Easier times will come. But you have to be brave and keep on your journey!! The end result of healing is wonderous I can assure you!!! You've got this!!! Just remember to breath through it and remind yourself that this too shall pass! 

[Emonda]

14 hours ago, catmama said:

I just don’t know what to do. Should I hold and wait to be symptom free? Do I push through with tapering? 

 

Hey catmama,

I'm sorry to read your update.

 

I just watched the video posted by Catina7 above...I liked that he said, "It's ok to wait".

 

We are all different and need to make our own decisions. In my situation, when the symptoms are rough, I pause my taper. My concern with pushing ahead is that I could make myself worse.

 

I note LosinCanada held for 7 months for stability before tapering.

 

Wishing you well with your decision.

[itsalyssadood]

Hi @catmama, I just read through your whole thread and my heart hurts for you. I’m tapering Lexapro too and have been having a hell of a time, even with small drops. This drug is awful. I really hope you’re doing better. I, too, have hit a ton of stressors and setbacks during my taper. Nothing is worse than when you drop into WD when you are tapering slower than most. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to/vent to. I’m 34, originally from CA myself but now live up in the PNW.