AndyPants: my story with Lexapro

[Greatful]

@AndyPants  You have been pretty quiet.  How are things going?

[AndyPants]

Hi @Greatful, thanks for checking on me.  I'm up and down a lot. This week has been tough, and last night I particular. It was extra important that I sleep last night and I was up all night. My most miserable night in a while. I don't know how I'm going to get through this day, it was already going to be a tough day. Now...I just don't know.

 

I should do a more full update, this is all I have the brain power to do right now.

[AndyPants]

It is interesting that I have at this point mostly good nights with occasional bad nights regardless of what 'sleep aid' stuff I'm taking. I haven't taken any CBD tincture since January, with no noticable impact to sleep, and now I haven't taken Melatonin for a couple weeks (I ran out) and I've been sleeping fine since then. If the bad nights happen at the same rate regardless of whether I take these things, and overall it seems the same, don't know if I need to be taking them.  My worst nights in the last year or so line up with nights were I've put extra pressure on myself to sleep (like before traveling) and/or had something super stressful happen. Hopefully at some point I become better at handling those situations, it seems to be a weird psychological thing I have developed since being in the early WD days. On nights when I'm having trouble relaxing but it's not as big of a stress going on, getting back up and reading for 30 min - an hour has sometimes helped.

 

I'm still struggling with the same things i was struggling with last year and the year before that. At work I'm not as productive and focused as I should be. At home I'm still irritable and falling short as a husband and father. I'm always complaining and playing the blame game with my wife. I'm snappy and not patient with my child...I worry that I'm screwing my kid up.

 

I think I was basically this way before I started tapering, whether the years medication made it worse, or it's just that I don't handle my anxiety well and this was how I was going to be even if I didn't get on medication, I don't know. But I need to make improving my mental health a focus before I do any more damage to my relationships. I cant keep going through life on auto pilot, making the same mistakes over and over again.

[AndyPants]

I've been having a really tough time lately.  During the day my stress has been through the rough.  Thankfully, sleep has been okay. We're getting a home remodel done, and it's been taking ages. Our general contractor took way longer to do things than we expected, repeatedly said they were going to come when they didn't, and has gone over his original estimate. We're now going through a hardware store to get the carpet done and I'm dealing with all the same stuff as with the carpenters.  People taking advantage of me because I try to be nice and accommodating and nonconfrontational. What was supposed to be less than a month project is now close to four months. I feel like I've let my family down because I wasn't firmer and more on top of contractors and making things happen.

 

Also during the last couple months my young child's behavior has been extremely difficult, the most difficult he's ever been. All day it is a non stop battle. And he is constantly telling us to stop controlling him, be better parents, or let him go live on his own. He's acting ten years older than he actually is...he's six going on sixteen and I don't know how to fix things. Just because we don't let him eat candy all day and play video games all day and draw on the walls. I'm snapping very easily with him.

 

Also my current project at work for the last month I'm completely lost on and have no clue what I'm doing and I keep worrying that I'm not good enough or smart enough or a hard enough worker.

 

I met with a new therapist and even though I had said I was trying to get off medication she very quickly was suggesting I get back on to something, so I guess that's not going to work out and I'll have to find someone else. There is such an overwhelming amount of therapists and they all sound the same and charge so much, it's so hard.

 

Basically everyday right now I hate my life and am a irritable nervous wreck. Maybe tapering is making me handle things a little worse, I don't know. It feels like everything is just piled up and everything sucks. And maybe life will be hard forever.

 

I wish I could stop pacing. I've been pacing and ruminating so much.

[Sveta81]

Hi Andypants, thank you for sharing your story. I am also tapering Lexapro and I am now at a dose of 0.6 mg. I see you are at 0.45 mg now. It seems below the 1 mg it is getting quite rough with the withdrawal. I also seem to have increased moodswings, and sometimes hot flashes, flu like symptoms. I can be quite happy a moment and sad the next. Also overreacting easily to situations. For now I still sleep well and work is OK and actually gives me stability. 
 

Sorry to read that you feel that the medication has changed you and that you are so struggling and don’t like your life now. Hope you will get some more windows soon and you will find some relief somehow. I have taken on daily breathing exercises, yoga and enjoy walking and running. Take care.
 

 

[almuPA]

Hello @AndyPants.

 

I am sorry that you are feeling like this. I just wanted to day that please, dont lose faith. I am sure better days will come. 

All that you describe sounds like a very stressful situation, and if on top we add the tapering, is too much. 

 

 

5 hours ago, AndyPants said:

met with a new therapist and even though I had said I was trying to get off medication she very quickly was suggesting I get back on to something

Unfortunatelly, is hard to get a therapist that understands the whole situation. But if you have the chance, as you said,.maybe it would be better if you find somebody else. 

 

 

 

[Dee12h]

Ask friends or online in your area for therapist recommendations. It really helps to have a good one, but there are lots of so-so ones out there. 

[AndyPants]

I'm in a real bad way today.  I guess I'm in a wave, I don't know. I've probably been decreasing too fast again, I'm just anxious to be done. I don't know if that has anything to do with what is going on or not.

 

I just keep breaking down and panicking over stupid minor stuff. I need a new pair of shoes and I've been completely incapable of making a decision. They all feel uncomfortable in some way. Is it all in my head or maybe I have weird feet? I ordered a bunch online from several retailers thinking I would return the ones I didn't like and surely I would find something I do like but I don't feel good about any of them so I'm stressed about returning all these packages. I had one picked up today but I think there was something I was supposed to sign when I did it and I didn't, so I'm worried that something with the shipping will get messed up and these shoes were expensive so that would be bad.

 

We got two cats and my son is just wild with them and it hits all the right buttons on my OCD and need to control everything. He loves animals but he also is kind of treating them like toys, and it's basically resulting in me (and my wife to a slightly lesser extent) getting on his case everyday for months about giving them space, being gentle, stop chasing, grabbing, etc. I'm so worn out. I worry about how so much parental critique could impact his emotional well-being. Also I can't seem to stop myself. And I think he and my wife would be devastated to get rid of the cats.

 

I feel trapped by all my decisions in life and the places it feels like I should have made different choices. Everyday I think if only I could go back in time a year. I'm so so tired of thinking that. I wanna start making better choices now and do my best to be a better me now. But I am stuck in this panicked state all the time about how it's all already screwed up and can't be fixed or made better now.

 

I did not get any sleep last night, so that certainly isn't helping at the moment. I was really stressed and anxious before bed last night, I had gotten myself sleepy reading before going to bed but then it all came back once I actually got to laying down. Its so frustrating.

 

This could keep going with more rambling about all my struggles but that isn't really beneficial. If anyone reads this, thank you for commiserating with me during a tough time.

[Heath]

I feel you! 
I’ve done it with the shoes this year and the kids and the memories , regrets etc.

The way I understand it it is withdrawal.

The symptoms you are experiencing is Nervous system is healing.

It’s hard to do but to accept the feeling and let it be and knowing it is wd helps me a bunch. 

 

we are hypersensitive to everything at this time. 

 

check these out below. 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/27800-hypersensitivity-and-kindling/page/2/#comment-661867

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/10914-what-is-happening-in-your-brain/

 

[AndyPants]

Thank you @Heath for the links, I hadn't read those before so they are helpful. It's crazy what we put our bodies through and how readily doctors will hand this stuff out.

 

 

Things continue to be tough. I got to sleep last night thankfully, but it took a while. One of the biggest things I have experienced these last two or three years is spirals of guilt. When I was on the medication I could move on quickly from things - probably too quickly, if we're being frank. I was quick to anger when it came to others - holding loved ones to higher standard and lacking empathy, but for myself during the last handful of years on the medication I was really stuck in a lot of ways. I compartmentalized easily, and was sort of robotically moving through life. 

 

During tapering/withdrawal, I've gone way the other way. I feel everything so much stronger now. My faults are all too clear to me all the time. Anything hurtful that I say or do I obsess over. I imagine a "normal person" would recognize they made a mistake and then work to move on from it. I'm stuck in the recognizing part. I think everything to death. Sometimes I have debilitating levels of guilt, where I basically shutdown and can think of nothing else. Sometimes the things I feel bad about legitimately like yeah I screwed up. And sometimes some functioning part of my brain says this probably not that big of a deal and I can stop beating myself up. But I make everything a big deal all the time.

 

I've spent an embarrassingly significant amount of time these last few years yearning for a time machine and thinking about all the things I wish I could change. Probably starting with the medication. But sometimes I go another step and wonder what my wife would do with a time machine.  Has marrying me turned out to be a bad decision? Does she wish she could go back and not have to deal with me? I suspect she wouldn't change things probably because of our child, at the very least. Still, I hate feeling like I've been a burden, like I've been a jerk or now I'm this total mess who sometimes is barely functioning.

 

I wish I hadn't let all my friendships go by the wayside over the years.

 

Bleh. I thought writing through my feelings would help but I think it's just making it worse.

[Heath]

Getting caught in the overthinking spiral is tough. It feeds anxiety. Learning how to recognize this when it happens helps to stop it before it gets going. I’m learning Iam better at this than I was a year ago. yes the worry spiral. 
 

also practicing breathing and mindfulness. It’s like excercising for nervous system . To help prevent waves. 
 

this really helps me

https://www.calm.com/

 

 

[AndyPants]

We've been without power for 48 hours now. Last night I woke up half way through the night and couldn't get back to sleep because I was so stressed about it. Couldn't listen to anything to help calm me because phone was dead and couldn't charge. Tough times right now.

[AndyPants]

Didn't sleep at all tonight. It happened a week and a half ago too.  They had usually been more spaced out than that, so that's pretty frustrating and made it harder to resist panicking in the middle of the night.  Some small disruption of my routine can keep me up literally all night. Which is crazy...I feel like I'm crazy.  This didn't used to be my life. Having to tread lightly through the day because who knows what could set things off in my brain to make me lose an entire night of sleep?

 

It's 6 AM and the nausea is starting to set in.  Based on past experience, I'll feel terrible all day. Getting my work done will be tough. My wife had wanted to go out to breakfast this morning before I started working, I'll have to tell her that I probably can't when she gets up. If it was just me that all this stuff the last few years has affected that would be one thing, but I know it's so much on the people around me too.

 

Often these days I go back and forth on whether I feel like I'm making progress. I'd say it's day to day, but really it feels like it's moment to moment. I might be feeling like you know things are okay and then something will happen and I overreact and spiral and feel like I'm doomed and life is horrible.  Nights like this don't help!

 

I've been meeting with a therapist since last fall, I'm wondering if at this point if maybe it's time for a break. He has given me some good insights, and was supportive of getting off medication, but I don't know...things just don't feel like they're working for me. I have stayed with a therapist for a long while before when it wasn't working just because I didn't want to have to deal with leaving them. It's uncomfortable.

 

Im not sure how I can get through all this.

[Catina7]

Hi @AndyPants, I'm sorry you're dealing with so much.  I'm not sure if you've read through this thread or not, but if not it might help you with some of the negative feelings you've been having:  

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/313-shame-guilt-regret-and-self-criticism/

 

Catina ❤️

[Mia1]

Hi @AndyPants I’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now but want to remind you that you’re not crazy and you absolutely will get through this, one day at a time.

 

I know it’s so hard when you don’t sleep but I also want to remind you that in order to fully heal sleep anxiety you have to accept that maybe sometimes you’re not going to sleep well, maybe sometimes not at all and that’s okay. It really is. And once you’re okay with it you can shift your focus from sleeping to resting and relaxing. The funny thing is you’ll probably fall asleep anyway but the goal should always be to relax and get your mind to relax. When you’re able to do this you actually conserve a lot of energy that would be wasted on worrying about the next day. 
 

When I saw a hypnotist for my sleep anxiety back in 2020 he said that no matter how many hours I slept or didn’t sleep that I’d be able to accomplish everything I wanted anyway and the important part was to take the worry out of it. I was in so much pain at the time that I thought yeah right easy for him to say. But the thing is he was right and once I realized that I was able to relax and not worry when I didn’t sleep or I didn’t sleep well. 
 

So in order not to perpetuate sleep anxiety it’s important that you keep all plans you make. When you rearrange your schedule too much it actually reinforces that you’re not okay and you should worry when you don’t sleep. It’s hard at first but if you keep on doing it you’ll see that there’s nothing to worry about and when you actually stop worrying you free up a lot of energy and can accomplish a lot. 
 

You’ve been at this for a while and you’re doing a good job. Give yourself a break and acknowledge all the ways you have grown. I’m sending some healing vibes your way, hang in there.

[AndyPants]

@Catina7 thank you that was a good post to read.  I've been spiraling today looking at old friends on Facebook and feeling bad that I've had good friends at various times in my life that I have either no or minimal contact with at this point. I don't have much in the way of friendships now and I've been getting caught up in some serious regret over not doing more to keep up those relationships. And now I live across the country from everyone I know, so it's extra hard. So that post is a good message for me to remember when I'm super caught up in these deep regrets.

 

@Mia1 that makes sense. The nights of insomnia always get worse when I start panicking about not sleeping. The more I think about how I am not sleeping the more I get myself into a bad place. If I tried to keep a perspective of, well now I get some quiet time to relax, it makes sense that would be a better approach. I've re arranged my evenings so much around this too. I used to love watching movies and I watch a lot less these days because I worry a lot that they will keep me up because I will be too stressed about them. For a while when the insomnia first started I was pushing my wife to go to bed at the same time as me because I got it up in my head that if she came in while I was trying to go to bed that it would mess up my getting to sleep and then I would be up all night.

[AndyPants]

Paid an arm and a leg to get a new bottle of liquid Escitalopram yesterday, it seemed like a lot until I saw that the insurance had covered quite a bit and the real cost was even higher. It's a bummer because I don't know how much of it I'll end up needing since I'm getting real low now.  I wonder how much money we have all paid into this industry which has negatively impacted us?

 

I guess I'm like 3 and a half ish years into this tapering journey/nightmare.  Its feels as though it has been both shorter and longer than that at the same time.  A struggle for me lately has been a feeling of hopelessness and dread.  In recent weeks I feel like I've been in a particularly bad place. I look to my wife for constant reassurance and validation. It has to be annoying and exhausting for her but she's been supportive. I'm doing my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm being decently helpful at home, and keeping up okay at work.  I'm doing a headspace meditation daily, doing yoga sometimes (need to do it more) and I'm trying to work through a new workbook, I'll report back on that.

 

Need to wrap this up and get back to work.  I fall into the trap lately of a lot of what if, both past tense of wishing I made better decisions, and future tense of catastrophizing. But I can't go back and not get on the drug in the first place, or ignore the doctor who gave me a rapid tapering schedule in summer 2020. And it doesn't help worrying about stuff that could happen.  All I can do is try to keep moving forward and do the best I can today.

[AndyPants]

Having an increase in intrusive/obsessive bad thoughts lately. Also extra irritable and short tempered.

[AndyPants]

Frustrated feeling like I'm too short with people.  I wish I could stop and process things better and approach things thoughtfully rather than being so reactive. I want to live intentionally and mindfully.

[littlebird]

41 minutes ago, AndyPants said:

Frustrated feeling like I'm too short with people.  I wish I could stop and process things better and approach things thoughtfully rather than being so reactive. I want to live intentionally and mindfully.

It'll come, nothing like WD to make someone a bit sharp with people. Just try not to be hard on yourself about it!

[AndyPants]

On 3/23/2024 at 8:06 PM, littlebird said:

It'll come, nothing like WD to make someone a bit sharp with people. Just try not to be hard on yourself about it!

Yeah...being hard on myself comes easy to me I suppose. I'm tired of being impatient and grumpy and taking everything personally. I think it's been years now since I've really liked or been happy with myself, and I'm just getting tired and feeling hopeless.

 

Sleep continues to be overall going well. I'm keeping up okay at work, and I think I'm decently helpful around the house. Important to remind myself things aren't all bad.

[littlebird]

2 minutes ago, AndyPants said:

On 3/23/2024 at 5:06 PM, littlebird said:

It'll come, nothing like WD to make someone a bit sharp with people. Just try not to be hard on yourself about it!

Yeah...being hard on myself comes easy to me I suppose.

Gonna take a wild guess here as someone who naturally is quite hard on themselves that as sharp as you've been with people, you might be harder on yourself than you ever are on others? Please correct me if I'm wrong! 

 

4 minutes ago, AndyPants said:

I think it's been years now since I've really liked or been happy with myself, and I'm just getting tired and feeling hopeless.

 

Sleep continues to be overall going well. I'm keeping up okay at work, and I think I'm decently helpful around the house. Important to remind myself things aren't all bad.

It's so easy to be in the "never good enough" mindset, but it sounds like you're doing incredibly well for someone who is working on meds! How are you with giving yourself credit when you do something?

 

It's been helping me to give myself a lil internal pat on the back, although it surely doesn't come as easily as giving myself a hard time. It's a process, gonna keep working out those positive-self-reinforcement muscles until it comes as easily as self-critique. 😤

[AndyPants]

On 3/26/2024 at 1:02 PM, littlebird said:

Gonna take a wild guess here as someone who naturally is quite hard on themselves that as sharp as you've been with people, you might be harder on yourself than you ever are on others? Please correct me if I'm wrong!

Generally I think that might be true, but also I don't know I think it goes both ways.  Sometimes I might beat myself up a ton over something that I would be more understanding of.  But other times I'm critical of things that other people do, ignoring the fact that I'm not perfect and would give myself a pass when I do something.  If that makes sense.

 

On 3/26/2024 at 1:02 PM, littlebird said:

It's so easy to be in the "never good enough" mindset, but it sounds like you're doing incredibly well for someone who is working on meds! How are you with giving yourself credit when you do something?

 

It's been helping me to give myself a lil internal pat on the back, although it surely doesn't come as easily as giving myself a hard time. It's a process, gonna keep working out those positive-self-reinforcement muscles until it comes as easily as self-critique. 😤

I haven't done a great job with giving myself credit for things, I'm trying to do it a little more.  Some days I'm less productive than others, and when I start with the negative self talk that I'm lazy or not good enough I try and remind myself of the times that I've worked hard and gotten stuff done.  But yeah, the self critique definitely comes easier.  I think if I got in some better routines so I could better achieve my goals, that would help me feel more like I have things to celebrate and less room for wallowing.

[littlebird]

5 hours ago, AndyPants said:

Some days I'm less productive than others, and when I start with the negative self talk that I'm lazy or not good enough I try and remind myself of the times that I've worked hard and gotten stuff done.

I got the advice once to put some easy wins at the top of the daily to do list:

- Drink some water

- Take meds

- Brush teeth

- Eat something

 

Then every day you're starting the day off feeling productive! I used to do this, need to get back into it.

 

5 hours ago, AndyPants said:

Sometimes I might beat myself up a ton over something that I would be more understanding of.  But other times I'm critical of things that other people do, ignoring the fact that I'm not perfect and would give myself a pass when I do something.  If that makes sense.

Right there with you!

 

5 hours ago, AndyPants said:

But yeah, the self critique definitely comes easier.  I think if I got in some better routines so I could better achieve my goals, that would help me feel more like I have things to celebrate and less room for wallowing.

Ah yes, the "never good enough/ I'll be nice to myself when ______" - doing the same thing. I have a friend who is encouraging me to be kind and loving to myself in all my mess. Working on it! 

 

Hope you're having a good night and going easy on yourself. 😎

[AndyPants]

I don't know what to do. I constantly make decisions that later cause me anxiety. I know that often these are mole hills I'm turning into mountains, but other times they are stupid things with consequences.  On one hand I will sit and struggle to make some trivial decision, but a lot of the time I'm really impulsive and don't think through things and come to regret it later.  At this moment in particular I'm really mad at myself.

 

Life just feels like a chore.  Everything is so hard. Everything causes me anxiety and panic. I might have a couple nice days, or even a half a nice day, and then something to be anxious, paranoid or panicky about comes up to screw up the next few hours, days or weeks of my life. Often because of my own actions. I just don't know how I'm going to get through life, and I'm sorry this probably sounds dramatic and like I'm looking for pity...I'm just in a bad place right now, and everything feels hopeless and the idea of life is exhausting.

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, AndyPants said:

I'm really impulsive and don't think through things and come to regret it later.  At this moment in particular I'm really mad at myself.

Hi @AndyPants it’s good you have awareness of what’s going on, do you have any awareness at all when it’s happening? I think that’s the key here, try to become more aware of your triggers so that when you’re going through one of these situations you can start to step back and assess before making any decisions. I know it’s easier said than done but if you keep working on this it will get easier. Don’t get mad at yourself, you’re doing the best you can in moment.
 

1 hour ago, AndyPants said:

Life just feels like a chore.  Everything is so hard. Everything causes me anxiety and panic.

Make sure you’re taking care of yourself and doing things you can enjoy. I used to struggle with anxiety and panic and I had to learn to let go. It was so hard at first and at times it felt irresponsible but the more I practiced the better I got and now I’m not scared of anything. That kind of peace is priceless and it’s there for us all. All you have to do is show up, do your best and let EVERYTHING else go. It’s extremely easy and incredibly hard at the same time. You have to practice this though, I would suggest start on small things every day. 

 

1 hour ago, AndyPants said:

I just don't know how I'm going to get through life, and I'm sorry this probably sounds dramatic and like I'm looking for pity...I'm just in a bad place right now, and everything feels hopeless and the idea of life is exhausting.

One day at a time my friend, it will get easier and better. Start practicing unconditional self love. Every time you feel like you haven’t been perfect just stop and see how you could have acted differently and then that’s it, just acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can and act differently next time or however long it takes to change into the person you want to be. Being hard on yourself is never going to help you and only feeds the anxiety cycle. The fact that you recognize your behavior and want to change is amazing, it’s not easy to change. Keep up the good work, I’m rooting for you!!

[Dee12h]

Same, Andy. When I went under .15 things got way harder.

 

How are feeling today?

[AndyPants]

@Mia1 thanks for your kind words and support. I think there is some awareness, but sometimes I'm so caught up in emotion that I can't listen to that part of my brain. Other times I won't think about something until later.  The unconditional self love is a hard one for me but something I think I really need.

 

@Dee12h thank you for checking in on me.

 

Last week...was real bad. I became convinced I had life-ruining health problems. I hardly left the house, when I wasn't working I was either laying down or pacing in a panic.  Now it is clear that I am in fact fine, or at least fine enough, and that staying up all night reading articles about symptoms is probably a bad idea. I was in such a state that I wrote letters to my wife and son, worried that life as I knew it was over.

 

I've felt better this week after getting more validation that I'm OK. But I'm really struggling with intrusive thoughts, things that are really upsetting me. And anxious about some upcoming travel.  Last week was supposed to be my week to drop my dosage down again, I completely forgot about that with everything going on. Debating whether to still do it this weekend or not. On one hand, it feels like things won't get better and might as well make progress. On the other, it feels like I'm in a really screwed up place right now.

[Dee12h]

I would hold for awhile. I also research obsessively when I’m struggling or have concerning symptoms.