BrokenWings: recovering

[arbor]

Dear wonderful @BrokenWings  Last night while lying awake I thought, "I wonder how BrokenWings is doing--"   Then so happy to read your update!  Every word you've written could describe where I'm at as well.  The improvement is such an unbelievable relief.  At the same time, I'm still hoping that my reading and retaining issues improve, memory problems that started with w/d.  

Yesterday there was an article on AD w/d in the Guardian.  I'm glad the G is doing more coverage on the problem.  It's very annoying to read where spokespeople and doctors try to deny the problems.  If you're interested, it's here https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/apr/17/i-stopped-sleeping-the-sometimes-difficult-path-off-antidepressants.

 

Happy spring and best wishes to you 💮

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

@arbor I am thrilled to hear that you are also noticing significant improvements. It truly is frustrating to still be dealing with reading retention issues along with various other cognitive problems, but it gives me some relief to know that I am not the only one. I hope there is an improvement for both of us in that regard. I appreciate the reference to the article, I am certainly interested and will read it when I get an opportunity.

 

Thank you again for your warm wishes and insight. Happy spring to you as well. 🐰🌸

[Rubied]

Dear BrokenWings, having read through your thread I feel positive that you will recover, not sure if you've done this, but if you cast your eyes over your replies during these past months, you can see improvement, even in the way you type it's notable.

I myself am a 'victim' of Zoloft and currently holding. How is your apathy towards life, has it improved? Ever since I started Zoloft, I simply do not care about anything and seemingly have 'no emotions', but irritation sits inside my body and I can feel it, yet not able to express it. It's truly baffling and frustrating.

Wondering how that's progressed for you, take care

 

[BrokenWings]

@Rubied Thank you for your insight and positive words of encouragement. I hope that one day you will be able to rid yourself of these poisons and fully recover.

 

4 minutes ago, Rubied said:

How is your apathy towards life, has it improved? Ever since I started Zoloft, I simply do not care about anything and seemingly have 'no emotions', but irritation sits inside my body and I can feel it, yet not able to express it. It's truly baffling and frustrating.

 Apathy is a symptom I still struggle with but, it has improved over the years. I agree it is extremely frustrating and I am hoping that one day these symptoms will be gone forever.

[BrokenWings]

Chiming in to provide an overdue update. I continue to improve, but I still feel I have a lot of healing left. I am still experiencing waves and windows, but waves have become less frequent and shorter in duration lasting 1 to 3 days. Stress tolerance or the lack thereof is still a major struggle. Sadly there has been a lot of stress in my life lately, but I feel as if I am enduring it the best I can.

 

My symptoms are still primarily emotional with anxiety, depression, and apathy. Tinnitus is still an issue but it's only bothersome when I am in a wave. I can only hope I continue to gradually improve.

[arbor]

Thank you @BrokenWings for this update.  I'm so glad to hear that you're continuing to improve.  Zoloft seems to leave such parallel tracks.  I continue to experience so much of what you report.

22 hours ago, BrokenWings said:

Stress tolerance or the lack thereof is still a major struggle.

Yes, yes, yes.

 

22 hours ago, BrokenWings said:

Sadly there has been a lot of stress in my life lately, but I feel as if I am enduring it the best I can.

I'm sorry to know that you're having this stress.  Social stress can be extra challenging for me.  The fact that you're able to endure gives me further incentive to endure in my own life.  I appreciate and can imagine the strength it might take you.  Thank you, BW, I know you're taking those broken wings and re-learning to fly.

Sending you my best,

Arbor

[alex01]

Hello @BrokenWings,

 

I read your introductory post about your use of Zoloft for nearly 20 years, your acute withdrawal and your present protracted withdrawal.

 I write from Brazil, used paroxetine (Paxil) for 8 years (2012-2019), started using it because of OCD. The drug lost effectiveness over the years, and my psychiatrist made successive dose increases. Until, with severe side effects and again without effectiveness, I decided to stop using the drug. Unfortunately I stopped over 3 months only, I didn't know the SA site yet and never had appropriate guidance from my doctors. 

 What happened to me over the next two years was the worst hell I've ever experienced in my life. Upon seeing my psychiatrist, and other psychiatrists, they all told me that I was in relapse from my OCD problem. What ignorance on the part of these doctors. And how much evil on the part of the pharmaceutical industry. I suspect that doctors know what it is, but they don't admit it because they function as drug dealers.

 In the third year of protracted withdrawal, I entered what I consider to be an intermediate phase. Windows and waves started. I currently have 2/3 weeks of windows and 3/4 months of waves. I've been trying hard to keep my life reasonably stable, but it's been impossible to make any progress in life this way. I am currently 40 months post-paroxetine.

 I feel hopeful to read that after 5 years, you are seeing progressive but slow improvements. And I am also sad to realize that the improvements are so slow.

 From what I've read in the success stories, we should expect almost complete healing after about 10 years post-drugs. I will probably also come here many times still looking for support for years to come.

 Let's try to keep our lives stable, and make progress even if little by little in these years of withdrawal. Strength to us! Hugs.

[BrokenWings]

@alex01 I am so sorry you are also a victim of these horrendous drugs.

 

9 hours ago, alex01 said:

What happened to me over the next two years was the worst hell I've ever experienced in my life. Upon seeing my psychiatrist, and other psychiatrists, they all told me that I was in relapse from my OCD problem. What ignorance on the part of these doctors. And how much evil on the part of the pharmaceutical industry. I suspect that doctors know what it is, but they don't admit it because they function as drug dealers.

 

This was also my experience, and it disgusts me that this is still happening. Most doctors are in bed with the pharmaceutical industry and those that are not are incredibly ignorant. There are very few doctors who understand the devastating effects of psychotropic drugs.

 

I want to offer some words of encouragement and let you know that it will improve over time and I emphasize time! I am still a long way from fully recovering but in a much better spot than I was in the first 4 years of my protracted withdrawal. How long it will take is unique to each individual. Sadly this appears to be a very long and excruciating ordeal for most of us.

 

9 hours ago, alex01 said:

I will probably also come here many times still looking for support for years to come.

 Let's try to keep our lives stable, and make progress even if little by little in these years of withdrawal. Strength to us! Hugs.

 

 I agree, we must push and strive to do the best we can to live as stable a life as we can during this nightmare. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to endure the living hell that is protracted withdrawal. I commend your courage and pray for your recovery. Hugs!

[alex01]

Hi @BrokenWings

 

It seems to me that this epidemic of psychiatric drugs will continue for many years to come, unfortunately. I know many young people around me who use some kind of psychotropic, be it antidepressants, or sleeping drugs, or benzodiazepines, etc. And most become enslaved to these drugs forever, thinking they actually have some serious psychiatric problem, and never find out there's something called protracted withdrawal.

Because they trust their psychiatrists too much.

I hope that little by little, efforts like the one on this site can help bring the truth to the public.

 

 In my case, if it weren't for the pandemic forcing me to get off autopilot, stop and rethink life, I would probably still be using paroxetine. Sometimes G'd shakes up our lives so we can stop and think.

 

 Thanks for the words of encouragement!

[BrokenWings]

On 7/3/2023 at 9:17 PM, alex01 said:

It seems to me that this epidemic of psychiatric drugs will continue for many years to come, unfortunately. I know many young people around me who use some kind of psychotropic, be it antidepressants, or sleeping drugs, or benzodiazepines, etc. And most become enslaved to these drugs forever, thinking they actually have some serious psychiatric problem, and never find out there's something called protracted withdrawal.

Because they trust their psychiatrists too much.

I hope that little by little, efforts like the one on this site can help bring the truth to the public.

 

@alex01 Sadly, I don't see an end to this madness. I also have a few friends that are on these poisons. I have tried my best to inform them via various resources including this site. I can only hope they wake up and come to their senses. Some of them are still oblivious and have put so much trust in their psychiatrists as you have stated.

[BrokenWings]

Chiming in to provide an overdue update on my progress. Sadly, I am still experiencing setbacks. The waves and windows continue to occur. Waves have been occurring more frequently which is concerning, but they continue to remain short-lived; lasting approximately 2 to 3 days. I can't explain the increase in frequency other than it possibly being related to seasonal changes or more stress than usual. I am still exhibiting the same symptoms of tinnitus, deep dark depression, debilitating anxiety, anhedonia, and suicidal ideation while in a wave.

 

I continue to remain patient and have hope, but it is extremely difficult being this far out to still be struggling.

[arbor]

Ahh, @BrokenWings I'm glad to hear from you.  I've been wanting to hear how you're doing.  Isn't it astounding that we are still struggling this many years along!  Thank you for keeping up your patience--it's so very hard to do with these waves.  I wonder why the waves have been more frequent for you.  There's so much mystery and of course Big Pharma isn't going to investigate.  Their indifference and inhumanity make the waves even more disturbing, I mean if I let my brain operate normally, rather than constantly, carefully avoiding all thoughts of extra stress.

1 hour ago, BrokenWings said:

I am still exhibiting the same symptoms of tinnitus, deep dark depression, debilitating anxiety, anhedonia, and suicidal ideation while in a wave.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and really appreciate your sharing.  I too have been feeling this way.  Instead of filling up your thread, I'll go to my own and update.

You are in my thoughts, BW.  💜

[BrokenWings]

@arbor I am glad to hear from you as well. I don't think I have words that can properly describe what we are going through.

 

3 hours ago, arbor said:

There's so much mystery and of course Big Pharma isn't going to investigate.  Their indifference and inhumanity make the waves even more disturbing, I mean if I let my brain operate normally, rather than constantly, carefully avoiding all thoughts of extra stress.

 

 Truth!

 

I wish you well and you are in my thoughts as well. 💜

[Tom37]

Hi Brokenwings,

 

I think im 6 months or so behind you in this journey and was just wondering how you feel when not in a wave? Are you symptom free and live a normal life?

 

When im not in one I feel pretty good but still getting nasty waves which sometimes feel just as bad as the beginning.

 

I hope this is coming to an end soon for you.

 

Thanks

[BrokenWings]

@Tom37 I would say while I am in a window I am mostly symptom-free. There may be times when I have an uptick in anxiety or tinnitus but it is short-lived and not too troublesome. My waves can still be bad however, the duration is much shorter.

 

I hope the end is near for both of us.

[Tom37]

Hi @BrokenWings

I’m finding things similar with the windows but probably not as clear as yours but waves still hit me badly. I’m just lucky that so far this year I’ve only had three of them.

 

I think I need to take better care of myself in windows as tend to forget about what waves are like and treat my nervous system better instead of treating it like a normal person would.

 

I hope you continue to improve and the only positive about waves is that it means you are healing.

[BrokenWings]

@Tom37 

 

5 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

I think I need to take better care of myself in windows as tend to forget about what waves are like and treat my nervous system better instead of treating it like a normal person would.

 

This also happens to me. I forget and then wham a wave hits. We need to be more gentle with ourselves when we are in a window.

[arbor]

Dear @BrokenWings I'm wondering how you are doing, hoping that you are feeling freer of Zoloft and the terrible set backs of waves.  You've been such a support.

With gratitude,

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

@arbor It is nice of you to check in. I appreciate all the support you have given me as well.

 

For the most part, I have been stable. However, I am still experiencing windows and waves. The duration of the waves is still short (1 to 2 days) and the windows appear to be lasting longer.

 

I did have a setback recently as I had an infection and needed a course of antibiotics (amoxicillin). As a result, symptoms flared up and have been oscillating on and off throughout the day for the last several weeks. It is mostly intense anxiety attacks, increased tinnitus, and very low mood. Thankfully, these symptoms seem to be abating.

 

How have you been doing lately? I hope you are continuing to notice improvements and are closer to recovery.

 

Warm regards,

 

BrokenWings

[Giuly88]

4 hours ago, BrokenWings said:

@arbor It is nice of you to check in. I appreciate all the support you have given me as well.

 

For the most part, I have been stable. However, I am still experiencing windows and waves. The duration of the waves is still short (1 to 2 days) and the windows appear to be lasting longer.

 

I did have a setback recently as I had an infection and needed a course of antibiotics (amoxicillin). As a result, symptoms flared up and have been oscillating on and off throughout the day for the last several weeks. It is mostly intense anxiety attacks, increased tinnitus, and very low mood. Thankfully, these symptoms seem to be abating.

 

How have you been doing lately? I hope you are continuing to notice improvements and are closer to recovery.

 

Warm regards,

 

BrokenWings

Hi BrokenWings,

 

I read through your thread and I’m truly proud of your resilience and perseverance in the face of the uncertainty and unpredictability of this horrendous process.

 

I’m in the same situation as you were a few years back having stopped escitalopram back in January last year 2023.

 

I’m having mainly physical symptoms at the moment and sensitivity to sound. The worst symptoms are spasms and jerks of my abdomen. 
 

Did you experience any of these?

 

Thank you for your time 💕💕

[BrokenWings]

@Giuly88 Thank you!

 

2 hours ago, Giuly88 said:

I’m having mainly physical symptoms at the moment and sensitivity to sound. The worst symptoms are spasms and jerks of my abdomen. 
 

Did you experience any of these?

 

I had sensitivity to sound and it has improved greatly, although I still feel I might have some residual sensitivity. I had random uncontrolled muscle spasms and hypnic jerks early on and these symptoms eventually resolved.

 

Keep in mind that time is the most important factor in our healing. Hopefully, your symptoms begin to resolve sooner rather than later. I wish you well in your recovery.

[Giuly88]

23 minutes ago, BrokenWings said:

@Giuly88 Thank you!

 

 

I had sensitivity to sound and it has improved greatly, although I still feel I might have some residual sensitivity. I had random uncontrolled muscle spasms and hypnic jerks early on and these symptoms eventually resolved.

 

Keep in mind that time is the most important factor in our healing. Hopefully, your symptoms begin to resolve sooner rather than later. I wish you well in your recovery.

Hi BrokenWings,

 

Thank you so much for replying so soon.

 

I truly hope these stupid jerks go the sooner the better.

 

I’m with you when you were saying about doctors not knowing what they are doing, dismissing withdrawl and basically over prescribing these poisons to very many people who don’t actually need them.

 

You know back in 2016 I was juggling work and school runs like many other parents and I was just overwhelmed, stressed because I was very busy and went to the doctor like many of us did and the doctor just prescribed me escitalopram without informing me of any side effects, withdrawal and the need to taper slowly, nothing, nothing was said. 
 

I like you and many others kept on coming off and going back on thinking that there was something wrong with me, perimenopause, thyroid but then I started noticing that every time I stopped I would be fine and after about 3 months I would ‘relapse’, there was a pattern there, so then I went online and guess what I found!? This website. The Penny dropped and the anguish grabbed me with all its might.
 

Flashbacks popped in my head from all those years where I felt off, with various bizarre symptoms that I attributed to just getting old, hotlines etc.

 

To cut a long story short, I can’t get my head round to what happened to me still, what these so called medical doctors who swore their Hippocrates oath have done to us, how on earth is nobody held accountable for the many lives, families, relationships that have been destroyed. 
 

Sorry for the rant and bless you and thank you BrokenWings.

 

💕

[arbor]

It's so good to hear from you.  I'm glad your progress has continued @BrokenWings.  I've read that the antibiotics are rough, but also glad to know that your symptoms are abating.  Like you I'm doing better.  My sleep has improved although I can still have large gaps when I'm awake in the nights.  Ususally I fall back to sleep.  My intolerance to noise has improved though I still hate back-up brakes, sirens, and things like that.  While my tact has recovered somewhat, I still suffer from unnecessary irritation and can't always anticipate it.  Looking forward to that no longer arising as much.  I miss feeling more light-hearted.  Of course, these are difficult times as well.

Hugs to you!

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

2 hours ago, Giuly88 said:

You know back in 2016 I was juggling work and school runs like many other parents and I was just overwhelmed, stressed because I was very busy and went to the doctor like many of us did and the doctor just prescribed me escitalopram without informing me of any side effects, withdrawal and the need to taper slowly, nothing, nothing was said. 
 

I like you and many others kept on coming off and going back on thinking that there was something wrong with me, perimenopause, thyroid but then I started noticing that every time I stopped I would be fine and after about 3 months I would ‘relapse’, there was a pattern there, so then I went online and guess what I found!? This website. The Penny dropped and the anguish grabbed me with all its might.
 

Flashbacks popped in my head from all those years where I felt off, with various bizarre symptoms that I attributed to just getting old, hotlines etc.

 

To cut a long story short, I can’t get my head round to what happened to me still, what these so called medical doctors who swore their Hippocrates oath have done to us, how on earth is nobody held accountable for the many lives, families, relationships that have been destroyed. 
 

Sorry for the rant and bless you and thank you BrokenWings.

 

@Giuly88 I could not have expressed this any better. This is an identical representation of what I and many others have experienced. It is an absolute disgrace that lives continue to be destroyed by these horrific psychotropic drugs.

[BrokenWings]

1 hour ago, arbor said:

Like you I'm doing better.  My sleep has improved although I can still have large gaps when I'm awake in the nights.  Ususally I fall back to sleep.  My intolerance to noise has improved though I still hate back-up brakes, sirens, and things like that.  While my tact has recovered somewhat, I still suffer from unnecessary irritation and can't always anticipate it.  Looking forward to that no longer arising as much.  I miss feeling more light-hearted.  Of course, these are difficult times as well.

   

@arbor I am glad to hear you are improving overall. I still suffer from sound sensitivity as well, but it is much improved. I can also relate to unnecessary irritation, it is so random and uncontrollable at times.

[arbor]

53 minutes ago, BrokenWings said:

It is an absolute disgrace that lives continue to be destroyed by these horrific psychotropic drugs.

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for these words, @BrokenWings

[Giuly88]

I honestly wish everybody heal and that one day justice is done to all of us. 
 

❤️

[arbor]

Hey @BrokenWings  I'm wondering how you are.  I'm wondering about the repercussions from this long w/d that we've been on. Has it affected your relationships?  your work?  your involvement in life?  I feel like there are a lot of broken pieces around me.  All my best to you as always, Arbor

[Ariel]

Thinking of you @arbor,  sending love and gratitude and healing vibes your way 

I have been practicing reading fiction after many years of being unable to do so. It takes some concerted effort and while I do feel rusty, I've also had some moments of genuine pleasure. I very much enjoyed the novel "The Friend" by Sigrid Nunez. I'm also trying to engage more frequently with poetry. I find a good poem can remember me to such a peaceful place within, and connect me with nourishing silence and wholeness. 

Have you read anything good lately?

Wishing you well, in solidarity and support,

A.

[Ariel]

Hello @BrokenWings

I apologize for mistakenly posting a message to arbor in your thread. I thought I was in arbor's thread.

Wishing you well, sending healing vibes,

A.

[BrokenWings]

On 4/19/2024 at 10:00 PM, arbor said:

I'm wondering how you are.  I'm wondering about the repercussions from this long w/d that we've been on. Has it affected your relationships?  your work?  your involvement in life?  I feel like there are a lot of broken pieces around me.  All my best to you as always, Arbor

 

@arbor Thank you for checking in. Oh yes, there are certainly repercussions from an extremely long PAWS. It has affected everything you mentioned and nearly all other aspects of my life. I do very much still feel broken and am still struggling to put things back together as best I can.

 

I wish you all the best as well.

[BrokenWings]

5 hours ago, Ariel said:

Hello @BrokenWings

I apologize for mistakenly posting a message to arbor in your thread. I thought I was in arbor's thread.

Wishing you well, sending healing vibes,

A.

@Ariel No worries mistakes happen.

[Dahlia50]

Hi, I read this thread.
Thinking about c/t and fast taper…how long recovery takes. I’m at the beginning of this inhumane process 7 months off zoloft and too fast taper. Suffering big time. I have bad memory/cognitive issues since I stopped completely, far from who I was. Is this something you also had, has it improved over time?

Sending healing and hope you are close to recovery… ⭐️

[BrokenWings]

4 minutes ago, Dahlia50 said:

Hi, I read this thread.
Thinking about c/t and fast taper…how long recovery takes. I’m at the beginning of this inhumane process 7 months off zoloft and too fast taper. Suffering big time. I have bad memory/cognitive issues since I stopped completely, far from who I was. Is this something you also had, has it improved over time?

 

@Dahlia50 I am so sorry to hear you are suffering badly. To answer your question. Yes, a resounding yes! The good news is over time it has greatly improved for me. I do still suffer from some memory & cognitive issues, but it is nowhere compared to the early stages of acute and post-acute withdrawal.

 

Unfortunately, everyone heals differently and I would love to give you a timeframe of what to expect, but sadly... withdrawal does not work this way . I wish you the best on your way towards recovery. Stay strong!

[arbor]

Hello @BrokenWings--Thank you so very much for your response.  I appreciate your company in all of this.  Also, however, wish you weren't having to weather it--if "weather" could ever possibily cover what we're going through.  Recently I heard the redwing blackbirds singing, dear early-birds of spring.  

 

Here's for you:

Blackbird (Live / Remastered)

 

 

2:28

[BrokenWings]

@arbor You are most welcome. Also, thanks for the link to a great song.