Surviving82: My story, WD from antidepressants, please help

[Surviving82]

17 minutes ago, Greatful said:

I remember today in my crinkled brain, that's right I am not suppose to believe my thoughts.  Hard to do when they seem so real and large.

I see my therapist every week now.

These emotional W/D symptoms are the worst, the depression is what crushes me the worst. My phobia  is a close second. I don't have as many physical ones,  my brain has a lot of  buzzing, tingling, hurt's in spots that move around, sometimes it feels like the top of my brain is crushing in, I call it my sink hole.  Some numbness on the left side of my face and sore left eye, this comes and goes, REALLY dry sinuses weakness in my arms and legs, dizziness.  Sound sensitivity, Hard to follow conversations, let alone carry on one.

 

 I would take all these at a higher degree if I could get rid of the depression and phobia.

Hang in there.🤗

@Greatful, oh yes yes yes!!!! It is hard for me to formulate my thoughts clearly but I agree 100%.  The negative thoughts seem 100% real, large, and so scary. They are haunting me. Seems like there is no escape. I challenge them all the time but 10-20min later they come back and I have to start over. Over and over again. 

 

I have very similar physical symptoms left to what you describe, mainly head pressure, buzzing, and dizziness. Also weakness in the arms and legs too, that comes and goes. I used to have MUCH more so I have to be thankful at least the physical aspect is improving. I guess some days are just worse than others. Oh here we go, tears again. Ugh. 

 

It is also the 1st day of my period that started unexpectedly a week early. So I bet that plays into it too. SSRI was blunting my PMS but now it is getting back at me full force...

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  The last few days all I can do is try not react to my thoughts and try to redirect them.   Sometimes they are so strong I feel like giving up, I have to tell myself I just have to get through today. Tomorrow will take care of it's self and maybe things will be a little bit better.  I still meditate try to meditate twice everyday even if I don't feel I am getting much benefit right now, there has been days that it has helped a lot. 

 

It helps sometimes to read the new members intro,  you can relate to their pain and want to reach out, sometimes I can't read them because it is overwhelming how many people who are suffering from these drugs.  And sometimes we have nothing left to give at that time.

 

Letting the pain out, it helps with the pain when you feel heard

 

.Lean on your spouse or mate, share your pain, don't suffer in silence, you don't have to be strong for anyone. 

  

Please don't take this the wrong way, now body should be in this kind of pain.

Sad as it may sound, sometimes it is helpful for me to hear your pain, then I don't feel so alone in struggling with wd. and and that it is hard for everyone.  I am sure this fall into 2 categories.  1- no one likes to be in pain all by themselves.   2- low self-esteem harping on the negative  thinking in me that,  am I the only one that is trying keep my head above water swimming up stream against a current, I must be weak because I am struggling so bad and feel like I am drowning.

 

Being outside in nature helps a lot.  Hear the birds sing, wind in the trees, planes in the air, people mowing there lawns.  Sitting in a closed in house can be very Closter phobic, were as outside the space less confining.

 

 

Reading success stories helps.   

[Greatful]

@Surviving82Here is a few things that I printed out and for myself

Some are things that @Mia1has talked about and some I put together myself.

 

These are helpful when you want to redirect from anxiety

 

The mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is what is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside of the mind.

 

Your brain is convinced that you must think about it.  But it is your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it.

 

 Everything is just an experience.  An experience is neutral, we put the labels of good or bad

 

You can trust in God or trust in your thoughts.  God only wants what is best for you.  It is our beliefs in our thoughts that causes our anxiety and uncertainty. 

 

For me  and my self-esteem 

 

You are  a worthwhile person

You are worthy of love just like everyone else

I am capable of facing my fears

I will not act on my fears

Let little (my name's)distorted fears and beliefs go

God gave you life.  You belong here.

There is nothing to fear. You are okay right now.

 

Edited August 11, 2021 by Greatful

[Moonpie]

So true.  Where the mind goes the man follows.  As Christian's need to remember we have the mind of Christ.  

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, Surviving82 said:

It feels like all the demons that I have been hiding over the years have now been freed and are attacking me. I guess I just need to keep pushing through. 

You’ve had some heavy feelings come up, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to process them in a way that feels comfortable and safe for you. It really can be a journey of self discovery. I’m learning everyday how to unconditionally love and accept myself. 

 

I’m really proud of you for trying the meditation and looking into the techniques for negative self talk. This takes a lot of strength and courage when we don’t feel well. Keep doing this though, they are tools that really can aid you on this journey. I’m going to share two other meditations I really like.

 

Sometimes we just have to ride it out the best we can, making sure we are taking the best care of ourselves. Eating well, gentle exercise, being in nature and resting. The path out starts with one step and you have done that. Be proud of yourself.

 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, Moonpie said:

We are all new amazing people, I know this because of all we have been through and are persevering and supporting each other.

I love this, thanks for the support @Moonpieit out a smile on my face. We are all healing together and WILL come out the other side so much stronger and capable of handling any of life’s challenges  💪❤️

[Greatful]

@Surviving82Hi, just checking to see how you are doing today?❤️

[Surviving82]

54 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Surviving82Hi, just checking to see how you are doing today?❤️

@Greatful, thank you so much for checking on me. I read your messages and i feel the exact same way! For the past few days it feels like I'm drowning in my fears. I struggle to barely keep my head above water. Sometimes I get under but I force myself out again to take a breath. And the struggle continues. My mind wants to think about my fears and obsessions all the time. When I try to distract, I feel this overwhelming anxiety. Mine is related to past exposures to different things and my current and future risk of cancer. But it can be anything. I don't have that many physical symptoms but psychological are really bad. It is mental torture that is very hard to escape. I've talked to some of the wonderful members on here and it helped for a bit. But the monster always returns. I will try to meditate right now, even though I feel like looking up information about my fears instead. There's got to be a way to beat this and get better. In the past I resorted to medication but I don't want to go that route. We all know it doesn't get us to the great place. Greatful, please know that im thinking about you and hoping that you are doing better. Keep yourself above the water!

[Surviving82]

@Greatful, when you try to switch your mind onto something else form your fears and obsessions, do you feel this unbearable urge to return and dwell on them? For me, not thinking about my obsession feels like I'm putting myself in the imminent danger. I know it is nonsense but it is hard to shake that anxiety. 

[Surviving82]

@Greatful, @Mia1, is this normal to have strange paradoxical reactions to the meditation? The first one about chronic pain i am crying uncontrollably, while the 2nd about OCD thoughts for some reason i laugh! I don't know why any of that comes up. Im embarrassed, I think that something is broken in my head? Did you guys ever experience that?

[Greatful]

3 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

when you try to switch your mind onto something else form your fears and obsessions, do you feel this unbearable urge to return and dwell on them?

Yes it is very hard at first, but practicing meditation is a big stepping stone to learning this.

It can take awhile, but as you practice mindfulness throughout the day, acknowledge the thought (remember it is just a though, it can't hurt you and you are the one putting the importance on the thought) do not get into a dialog with the thought( this creates a downward spiral) the redirect yourself to something else, look at something, get up and move, really concentrate on whatever you are doing at the time.

I have had to talk it out in my mind,  at work when I was preparing food....I am holding a knife, now I am going to cut this apple, one slice at a time.   Use as much description as you can.  May therapist says pick out an something around you and describe it in as much as you can , color. size and texture etc.  You can also stop and listen for 3 different sounds that are going on around you.  The point is to stop the one rumination and move it to something else.  This uses  different parts of your brain.

Look at this Therapy in a nutshell on youtube. She is a therapist and has many short videos to help you.  I think she is good

 

https://www.youtube.com/c/TherapyinaNutshell/videos

 

 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82 

 

20 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

The first one about chronic pain i am crying uncontrollably, while the 2nd about OCD thoughts for some reason i laugh! I don't know why any of that comes up. Im embarrassed, I think that something is broken in my head?

I got a chuckle out of that.  Hey, you laughed enjoy the feeling.

I think you are all over the place and are all full of emotions.  

Please don't be embarrassed for some reason it provoked an emotion. (laughter in the misted of pain) Did it help you in anyway? I listened to it yesterday and I think I will try it again today.  

No your brain is not broken it is  healing, so it is all disconnected.  

Hey did you ever read the story about the woman who recovered from benzos.  Altrostrata equates it to any

body recovering from drugs that change their brains.

Click on the title and it should open up

 

44 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

please know that im thinking about you and hoping that you are doing better. Keep yourself above the water!

Thank you I really appreciate the kind words. ❤️ I am so glad you are not mad at me for making that comment about people sharing  their pain can help other people feel less alone.  As we all hurt for each other.❤️

[Surviving82]

@Greatful, @Mia1, the third meditation about letting go of the past is REALLY GOOD!!! I didn't think I would last the whole 30min but I did and time flew by super fast! I felt relief. I did get mentally diverted many times but i got back to enjoy it. Do you guys have any similar meditations to share to that one?

 

I can't believe how well it worked. I am actually eating lunch right now, I got hungry. I didn't think that I would be able to push down anything down my throat today, I was so anxious. But now I feel a lot better. I don't want to jinx it, but this is amazing!

[Surviving82]

3 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Surviving82 

 

 

 

Thank you I really appreciate the kind words. ❤️ I am so glad you are not mad at me for making that comment about people sharing  their pain can help other people feel less alone.  As we all hurt for each other.❤️

@Grateful, of course not! I think I was telling Mia1 privately just yesterday that although I won't wish this suffering on anyone, im relieved that im not alone. That others have also been through this, survived and thrived. It helps to share the pain. What they say, when you share the pain it gets smaller but when you share joy it grows bigger? Let's share our pains and our joys and help each other get through this!!!

[Nugget97]

@Mia1 Hey sorry to interrupt the conversation but I just wanted to say that I have been dealing with bad distressing intrusive thoughts and OCD because of them the past 2 months and I just listened to the OCD meditation and it helped calmed me so thank you! 

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, Surviving82 said:

while the 2nd about OCD thoughts for some reason i laugh! I don't know why any of that comes up. Im embarrassed,

I got a chuckle out of that, too. I should have warned you it’s not a typical meditation, it’s a lot of positive affirmations and the shamanic drumming is supposed to help with the brain waves. I’ll take a look and see what other ones I have.

 

 Just remember the point of meditation is to simply observe what’s going on in the mind. Take a step back and objectively observe thoughts and feelings. This is how meditation will teach you to create the necessary space so you won’t react to thoughts and feelings. So if something comes up just observe it, what is it trying to tell you.

 

43 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

I can't believe how well it worked. I am actually eating lunch right now, I got hungry. I didn't think that I would be able to push down anything down my throat today, I was so anxious. But now I feel a lot better. I don't want to jinx it, but this is amazing!

Fantastic news, thanks for sharing it. Keep doing the work, it’s already paying off!! You really are doing an amazing job, I know it’s not easy. I’m so happy you got a break.

[Mia1]

Hi @Nugget97I find it very helpful. It’s one of those 21 day meditation challenges. I think the repetition along with the shamanic drumming is working like a hypnosis. I’ve been doing it for about 4 days straight and already feel different. I’m so happy it’s working for you. Visit my thread anytime if you need any support.

 

On an unrelated note I see you’re from Ireland. I’m first generation on my mother’s side, she was from Cork County.

[Surviving82]

@Mia1, @Grateful, I was doing so well after the meditation. I had lunch, did some work. And then went to pick up my son from school. While driving I see people and immediately the thought goes through my head: all these people are so happy, I bet they don't have all the risk factors for cancer like I do! And immediately I feel anxiety drowning me. I start rebutting them (all the usual round, I do not have cancer now, the risks are small, it doesn't matter what I did in the past, I can't control the future, yada yada) but the damage is already done. How should I handle such situations? It takes a split second for a thought to pop up in my head and before I know it, I am already fully immersed in anxiety and my personal hell... 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  Yes, it can happen so fast. 

4 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

I start rebutting them (all the usual round, I do not have cancer now, the risks are small, it doesn't matter what I did in the past, I can't control the future, yada yada) but the damage is already done

You are engaging with your thought.  It started the spiral. Acknowledge the thought and don't try and reason with it.  accept the thought and distract yourself.  Make a copy of these and post them up in your car and house.

23 hours ago, Greatful said:

The mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is what is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside of the mind.

 

Your brain is convinced that you must think about it.  But it is your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it.

 

Don't feel bad about the set back.  Just keep trying.  I have been having a hard time not getting sucked into the thought, trying to reason with it so you will not feel the anxiety.

We will learn to accept the thought and accept any anxiety that may come form it.  

Man it is hard I know.  Keep at it.☺️

 

This is kind of funny.

Now I am trying to stay ahead of my thoughts, you know cut it off at the pass. UGH😰

I wonder if that is adding to my anxiety and panic  DUH😡

[Nugget97]

@Mia1 thank you so much! I’m going to head over to your thread now and give it a read! I really hope it does help. I didn’t have the intrusive thoughts or OCD from the start of withdrawal and recently it just makes me feel like I’m going mad and I’m a risk which is truly awful, they can be so distressing because they are based on my fears. I’m going to stick with it for 21 days and pray il see a difference. I’m so happy to hear it’s helped you! 
 

I am indeed from Ireland, county Meath just above Dublin! Cork is a beautiful place, I hope you get the chance to visit there sometime if you haven’t already! 

[Surviving82]

5 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Surviving82  Yes, it can happen so fast. 

You are engaging with your thought.  It started the spiral. Acknowledge the thought and don't try and reason with it.  accept the thought and distract yourself.  Make a copy of these and post them up in your car and house.

Don't feel bad about the set back.  Just keep trying.  I have been having a hard time not getting sucked into the thought, trying to reason with it so you will not feel the anxiety.

We will learn to accept the thought and accept any anxiety that may come form it.  

Man it is hard I know.  Keep at it.☺️

 

@Greatful, so that thought also drags other thoughts (really fast), such as: I must stay vigilant and look for the signs of cancer! or I cannot allow myself to be relaxed and happy as they are. What to do with these follow up thoughts? Same?

[Surviving82]

1 minute ago, Surviving82 said:

@Greatful, so that thought also drags other thoughts (really fast), such as: I must stay vigilant and look for the signs of cancer! or I cannot allow myself to be relaxed and happy as they are. What to do with these follow up thoughts? Same?

@Greatful, you think if we accept the thoughts and the anxiety that comes with them, without trying to reason our way out of it or fighting it, it will eventually go away?

[Mia1]

34 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

And immediately I feel anxiety drowning me. I start rebutting them (all the usual round, I do not have cancer now, the risks are small, it doesn't matter what I did in the past, I can't control the future, yada yada) but the damage is already done. How should I handle such situations

This is where you are going wrong, you are having a dialogue with your thoughts. You’re trying to rebut something that’s not rational with rationality. It will never work. This is resistance. You simply observe the thought, label it as your health OCD and go on about you day. There is literally nothing else you need to do. You do this with all of your thoughts.

 

You will continue to develop the necessary space to do this in meditation. Remember, it’s a practice and it’s not going to happen overnight. But if you stick with it it will become easier in time and once you start to see results you will develop more confidence to continue doing it.  So don’t be discouraged, keep putting in the work.

 

17 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

@Greatful, you think if we accept the thoughts and the anxiety that comes with them, without trying to reason our way out of it or fighting it, it will eventually go away?

I think you’re just trying desperately to understand and make rational something that is not nor ever will be rational. You’re trying to understand and fix this with thoughts (your mind)  but the mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is what is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside of the mind. You must simply observe. You learn this by meditating every day regardless whether your mind wants to or not.

 

All of these techniques will work but only you can give yourself permission to stop focusing on it. I honestly don’t know any better way to explain this. You have to stop thinking about it and start observing it. Keep practicing.

 

 

 

[Surviving82]

45 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

This is where you are going wrong, you are having a dialogue with your thoughts. You’re trying to rebut something that’s not rational with rationality. It will never work. This is resistance. You simply observe the thought, label it as your health OCD and go on about you day. There is literally nothing else you need to do. You do this with all of your thoughts.

 

You will continue to develop the necessary space to do this in meditation. Remember, it’s a practice and it’s not going to happen overnight. But if you stick with it it will become easier in time and once you start to see results you will develop more confidence to continue doing it.  So don’t be discouraged, keep putting in the work.

 

I think you’re just trying desperately to understand and make rational something that is not nor ever will be rational. You’re trying to understand and fix this with thoughts (your mind)  but the mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is what is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside of the mind. You must simply observe. You learn this by meditating every day regardless whether your mind wants to or not.

 

All of these techniques will work but only you can give yourself permission to stop focusing on it. I honestly don’t know any better way to explain this. You have to stop thinking about it and start observing it. Keep practicing.

 

 

 

@Mia1, thank you so much for being so patient with me. I truly want to make this happen. I NEED to make this work, or else I don't know how I will go on. I feel that I am still trying to get a hang of it. By now, I understand that I won't be able to rationalize may way out of these thought patterns. However, I still don't know how to dissociate with them. I am trying to observe sometimes, when I remember to not engage first, but it only causes more and more anxiety [ALARMS ARE GOING OFF - DANGER, DANGER!!!] until I engage. When I engage, it eventually lets up for a bit, but inevitably comes back. And the vicious circle starts over. I will keep meditating and practice observing my thoughts instead of engaging with them. I just have to trust that it is going to work, even despite my brain throwing temper tantrums at me every time I try. Patience and practice, is all we can do. In the meantime, anxiety sucks so much! 😞 I really can use at least a little break.

[Mia1]

14 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

I will keep meditating and practice observing my thoughts instead of engaging with them. I just have to trust that it is going to work, even despite my brain throwing temper tantrums at me every time I try. Patience and practice, is all we can do.

Yes, this along with acceptance will get you there. You will definitely get there, just keep putting in the practice and stop trying to solve this with your mind. Give yourself a break by allowing yourself to focus on something else. This is why you felt so good after doing the meditation today, you allowed yourself to focus on something else. Even though you kept having to bring your focus back you did it. We practice meditation to bring these skills into our everyday lives.

 

 I know it can feel like a lot in the beginning but you’re already getting the hang of it. Just remember to be patient with the process and kind to yourself. Try to do one thing for yourself today that will bring you happiness, no matter how small.

 

[Surviving82]

1 hour ago, Mia1 said:

Yes, this along with acceptance will get you there. You will definitely get there, just keep putting in the practice and stop trying to solve this with your mind. Give yourself a break by allowing yourself to focus on something else. This is why you felt so good after doing the meditation today, you allowed yourself to focus on something else. Even though you kept having to bring your focus back you did it. We practice meditation to bring these skills into our everyday lives.

 

 I know it can feel like a lot in the beginning but you’re already getting the hang of it. Just remember to be patient with the process and kind to yourself. Try to do one thing for yourself today that will bring you happiness, no matter how small.

 

Thank you @Mia1. I tired to cuddle with my 12yo daughter when she came from school, but busted into tears because I feel that I am bound to develop some fatal cancer very soon. I don't want to leave her motherless. When I don't engage w the thoughts my mind reacts with a dark hopeless depression ...

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  Hang it there.  I know how power these thought are.  I want you to stop and think,  am I  starting dialog with the thoughts as soon as they appear and then trying to stop them.  With practice you will be able to catch yourself as soon as the thought appears and will be able to say stop and turn your thoughts away.  Meditation really does help to calmly pull your thoughts away.   All this will take time and practice.  

Remember to be kind to yourself, you are trying, you can do this❤️

 You have a brain that is not working right and you have just started to meditate, this will come together for you.

Did you look at any of the Therapy in a nutshell videos?

[Surviving82]

@Greatful, it is very hard indeed. Since I started doing this I realized that many times a day all my thoughts are revolving around the obsession, either directly or indirectly (ie, related thoughts that wouldn't not have come up if I wasn't fixated on this). Stopping them creates a void that I don't know what to fill with. I am trying though. To my surprise, tonight I slept from 9 30 till 5 without waking up. My sleep has been awful the past week, and the last couple nights it was absolutely bad. I guess this is true that when we need to sleep, we will sleep.

[Surviving82]

@Greatful, @Mia1, for the past decade, my obsessions have been related to the general theme of either having cancer or getting cancer. It is like my brain is constantly looking for something that can be labeled as cancer and start obsessing. But here is my dilemma. Say I found a new "something" that my brain is trying to label as cancer. I cannot just not engage with these thoughts, can I? At least I need to look into it and see if there could be a chance of this being true. Otherwise I can miss a real cancer? So I engage, and then it is very hard to stop. Do you guys have an idea of how to handle this? 

[Surviving82]

I don't feel well physically today. Some of the symptoms from before are showing up, although they don't seem to be as intense. The weird chest fullness, body weakness, exhaustion despite sleeping well, liteheadedness, skin prickling. I feel like I'm moving in the slow motion. All I want to do is law down. 

 

I can't believe there was a period I was feeling so well and now this awful stuff is back. I guess I should be happy that intensity of it is significantly less. Ah the windows and waves. Hopefully the next window is not far. I've already had 1, I know that my body can do it. Although when you are in the midst of it, it seems like things will never improve:(

[Moonpie]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling.  The symptoms morph.  Sometimes physical sometimes emotional.  It is frustrating.  That the intensity is less is a good sign.  It means you are healing.  I had a window yesterday.  It was so nice! This morning anxiety is with me.  Very little sleep.  I have not slept really good and restful since February when I went off.  This is wearing on me. You will make it.  Another window is on the way!  

[Mia1]

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

Stopping them creates a void that I don't know what to fill with.

You are not stopping the thoughts, you are allowing them to come and go. You are focusing on something else. At first there is a feeling that you should think about the anxious thoughts, that somehow doing this will fix everything. This is the habit you are breaking. If you stop giving them energy, accept them and focus on something else, the thoughts and sensations will lessen and eventually go away.

 

1 hour ago, Surviving82 said:

Say I found a new "something" that my brain is trying to label as cancer. I cannot just not engage with these thoughts, can I? At least I need to look into it and see if there could be a chance of this being true. Otherwise I can miss a real cancer? So I engage, and then it is very hard to stop. Do you guys have an idea of how to handle this? 

If you feel overwhelming physical symptoms that are not related to w/d and you feel it could be an illness you go to the doctor. The problem is you research information related to your health anxiety and scare yourself into believing you will be sick. You obsess over it until you make yourself sick. You are simply stuck in a loop right now. 

 

Remember, we create our reality by what we focus on. I strongly suggest you start focusing on being well. Re read your thread and PM’s and look at all the information you have that can help you today. I know it’s a lot of information so write down as @Greatfulsuggested those techniques to help during the day.  Write down some of the advice as reminders. You have to start somewhere to break this loop.

 

Immerse yourself in research that will promote your recovery. Every time you’re tempted to look up brain cancer research mindfulness instead or put the time into finding a guided meditation that speaks to you. I would also suggest finding affirmations that uplift you, journaling, creating a gratitude practice. Try yoga or light stretching. Immerse yourself in nature daily.

 

I know it’s not easy and I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. You have to do the work though. If you just keep saying and doing the same things everyday it’s like a car in neutral, you’ll never go forward. You have a lot of people here who care about you and will support you, including me, but we can’t do the work for you. Only you can do that. 

 

If you’re just not ready to do this I understand, everyone recovers in their own time and in their own way. Just let me know if the suggestions are helpful or not. I don’t want to force this on you, I really just want you to succeed and feel better.

 

So you have a choice today. Do you just keep doing the same thing and getting the same results or do you really immerse yourself in health and recovery. This is your choice, you have all the power. I know you can do this but you have to believe it too. I’m rooting for you.

 

 

[Surviving82]

48 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

If you feel overwhelming physical symptoms that are not related to w/d and you feel it could be an illness you go to the doctor.

@Mia1, thank you Mia! I feel so exhausted today with physical symptoms, I just laid down. I need to take my dogs to the vet now, and I respond more later. But I wanted to say to this: if I do this, I will be at the doc every week with something new, and sometimes even more often. That is my problem exactly, I feel something and I believe this is something terrible. This was before WD and now in WD it is even more. That is exactly what made me do all these medical tests including the CT scans that I dread now. I feel that my body has lost the rational ability to judge what is or isn't serious. Obviously I can't go on like this and I need a plan. 

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

Say I found a new "something" that my brain is trying to label as cancer. I cannot just not engage with these thoughts, can I? At least I need to look into it and see if there could be a chance of this being true.

obsessions are a monster that comes at you from every side.  I do the same thing, your mind is always changing the angle of your thoughts trying to find away to say, see you didn't look at it this way ( a different scenario).  Then you start chasing that scenario trying to ease your mind and anxiety.  That's why meditation is so important, to teach you to not go down that path.

 

I am working through my own distorted obsession.  I know that it is not true but I am trying to accept that I will have some discomfort that comes with the anxiety.  Which is stupid because I already know that it is so distorted, but now I  worry  about handling the anxiety. In wd it is so much harder  to think reactional.  You will have to dig down deep and decide if you are going to let this control you.

 

Sometimes you have to accept that you can't control  much in life.  But you can control how you react to your thoughts...

You can make peace with what will be will be.

 

"You can trust in God or trust in your thoughts.  God only wants what is best for you.  It is our beliefs in our thoughts that causes our anxiety and uncertainty."

 

 

The mind will never be able to cure the anxiety because it is what is causing it. You must shift your focus (attention) outside of the mind.

Your brain is convinced that you must think about it.  But it is your brain that created the problem so it will never fix it.

 

My heart goes out to you.  Take it one day at a time.  One situation at a time.♥️

 

 

[Mia1]

15 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

if I do this, I will be at the doc every week with something new, and sometimes even more often.

So you have the awareness that this is not rational, that’s good. If you stop feeding your obsession it will go away and you’ll return back to a place where you will be able to make more rational decisions for yourself. 

 

18 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

Obviously I can't go on like this and I need a plan. 

I outlined a pretty good plan for you in my last response, why don’t you re read it and see what you think.

[Surviving82]

@Mia1, I am trying to observe my obsessive thoughts and not engage with them. Instead, I start thinking about good things, blue skies around me, my happy dogs etc. So my anxious mind is taking it up a notch, now it tells me that I cannot be happy because as soon as I am happy, cancer will strike me. That same cancer that I am going to get due to being stupid in the first place. This is like a knife inside my ribcage. I am losing all my determination and start crying. 

 

It is as if somehow me thinking about this constantly and suffering is going to prevent the cancer from occurring (if I were to get one). Isn't it the key feature of OCD, that engaging in these rituals and obsessions somehow will prevent the dreaded event?