Embi: Trying to recover from dropping dose too fast

[Embi]

Today wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad either. It was a day where I just managed to get by. I didn’t have a panic attack but I also didn’t feel relaxed or okay. 

 

I managed to buy the things I wanted to and I have been spending time with my cats to keep me calm. I spent time with my friend where I was able to act normal and it was nice to be able to share how I’m feeling and have some support. My other friend who was meant to call me in the evening was unable to, but I managed to remain calm and not panic about it. Feeling alone is a big trigger for panic. 
 

I have been struggling a lot with getting to sleep, as I seem to have big anxiety spirals as soon as I’m alone with my thoughts and no distractions. I had an Epsom salt bath before coming to bed to try and help. I am going to try more tapping and my friend reminded me to label my thoughts today to help the anxiety.

 

I am trying.

[Embi]

I don’t know if I can cope. 
 

Before all this I was feeling so stuck in life. I didn’t want to stay at my job but I didn’t know what to do instead. While I used to really enjoy my work, now I feel like there’s not much left for me to learn. I suppose that is why my company is progressing me, but I don’t feel like the next step up is something that interests me either. I was going to trying branching out into different career paths, but I felt a bit anxious that I didn’t know whether I would like them.

 

I currently work with my partner and they’re about to leave the company. I feel so apprehensive. I have really relied on their support while we’ve worked together and I feel so worried about being alone.

 

I have so much anxiety and trauma and depression caught up in being alone. Before my current relationship I was single for 4 years and lived by myself for three years. I lived by myself throughout the pandemic, but I had a job where I went in every day. I thought after all that I would feel more capable to be alone. I even struggled at the start of my relationship because I was reluctant to give up a lot of the freedoms of being alone. Yet now I am terrified again. 
 

I am scared of relying too much on my partner and then being left alone with no one to support me. I don’t want to go back to being alone after I’ve felt so secure and happy in a relationship for once. I struggle to maintain relationships.
 

I feel like I’m broken and there is no hope for me going forwards. I came in to work today and had to go to the toilets to cry. Everything feels so much and terrifying. 
 

At this point I feel like my stability during those years alone was only due to being on sertraline and I’m stupid for trying to come off of it. Maybe I should just go back up to 25mg. I don’t know anymore

[FireflyFyte]

5 hours ago, Embi said:

I am scared of relying too much on my partner and then being left alone with no one to support me. I don’t want to go back to being alone after I’ve felt so secure and happy in a relationship for once. I struggle to maintain relationships.
 

I feel like I’m broken and there is no hope for me going forwards. I came in to work today and had to go to the toilets to cry. Everything feels so much and terrifying. 

 

You are not broken but your current feelings are valid and real.

 

If you aren't already, you may want to consider therapy. It can often help to talk through these concerns with a professional and get some guidance on how to navigate them. It's not a quick fix but it can be helpful.

[Embi]

@FireflyFyte Thanks fireflyfyte, I am definitely considering therapy. One plus about dropping the adhd treatments for now is that I’ll have money for therapy. I think being able to talk about it and detangle it all might help.

[Embi]

Today I feel like I can’t do this. I feel so messed up, I just want to end things.

I had a big argument with my partner last night during the only period of time I felt stable that day. What is wrong with me.

I’m at work crying again. I don’t want to keep going. I don’t have it in me.

Is it too late to do a dose increase? I reduced in either January or the start of February. Is it even worth it considering the stimulants are what destabilised me? 
 

life doesn’t seem worth it. 

[Embi]

Last night I made my dosing a lot more consistent. I have a limited amount of tablets, so I had been splitting them because I worried that a solution made from a 50mg tablet would degrade before I could use it all. However, yesterday I read that it’s likely the solution should be stable if protected from light for at least 30 days. This meant that I can use a whole 50mg tablet for prep and eliminate inconsistencies from tablet splitting. I’m also going to go to the doctors on Monday and try to get some 25mg tablets.

 

I also got new syringes so that I can be more precise with my measurements. Before, I was dissolving ~25mg into 20ml in a 20ml syringe. I would then measure out 1ml of this solution with the same 20ml syringe. I got some 1ml syringes so that there will be less variation in my dose. 
 

Morning anxiety is bad. My symptoms have changed but I don’t think they’re necessarily getting better. I’m going to make a small increase from 1.25 to 1.3mg. So an increase of 0.05mg. I don’t think this will change much considering there was likely a variation of at least this much when dosing with the 20ml syringe.

 

I am hoping that these changes won’t disrupt things too much and instead having a more precise dose each day should help me with stabilisation.

 

I have a lot of anger about this situation and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m angry that I can’t just take SSRIs and feel stable. I’m angry that I’m still having these problems at such a small dose. I’m angry that I needed medication in the first place. 
 

I’m always either angry or terrified. It is tiring. 

[FireflyFyte]

3 hours ago, Embi said:

I am hoping that these changes won’t disrupt things too much and instead having a more precise dose each day should help me with stabilisation.

 

Having a constant dose should help with stabilization but it might take time to get there.

 

3 hours ago, Embi said:

I have a lot of anger about this situation and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m angry that I can’t just take SSRIs and feel stable. I’m angry that I’m still having these problems at such a small dose. I’m angry that I needed medication in the first place. 
 

I’m always either angry or terrified. It is tiring. 

 

It is exhausting so try to be gentle with yourself where you can. Do relaxing activities, take short walks outside, etc. 

[Embi]

5 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

 

Having a constant dose should help with stabilization but it might take time to get there.

 

 

It is exhausting so try to be gentle with yourself where you can. Do relaxing activities, take short walks outside, etc. 

 

Thank you. This evening is difficult so I need the reminder to be gentle with myself. I wish I could just hit pause on my life for a bit.

[Embi]

Things are easing up a tiny bit. Last night was bad, but I took an Epsom salt bath and called my mum afterwards. After that I slept really well. 
 

I’ve been sick, which has made this worse. I’ve had loads of mucous sticking in my throat and a blocked nose. This, combined with dyskinesia of my jaw, some trouble swallowing and the intense anxiety, hasn’t been a good combination. I’ve been constantly obsessing over my throat, whether I can swallow, feeling like I’m gonna choke. A week ago I was up late pacing about because I was so fixated and terrified about having mucous in my throat that I couldn’t cough up. It has been awful. Thankfully, though, today I spent most of the morning without the sensation in my throat and I think I’m getting a bit better. So I hope to put this obsession behind me before the anxiety and tight throat create a feedback loop.

 

My worst symptom seems to be existential dread and a feeling that I am aware of all the horrors and suffering that exist. It’s like having no skin but mentally rather than physically. Like there is no barrier between me and every single awful thing. It makes everything seem pointless and bleak. 
 

Lately I have been pulled back into all the traumatic things that have happened to me. I had some very dark times before I was put on medication. The meds did actually keep me stable, even though at times it was just through dampening my emotions. I don’t want to go back there…but I don’t think I can stay on sertraline. It sucks.

[Embi]

Things are very up and down, but my partner has noticed that I seem to be on an upward trend. I guess it’s hard to tell when I’m in the middle of it and going back and forth. I am trying to keep going. 

[Embi]

So, things are…not the best but not the worst. My life is very stressful right now so I’m sure that’s not helping. I can’t tell what is depression from circumstances and what is withdrawal.

 

I still feel pretty bleak and anxious. I am irritable and unmotivated. I don’t really know what to do. Do I just wait it out and hope it’s withdrawal? I am not as bad as I was before, the intense anxiety has dampened down. I am not crying every day anymore. I just feel depressed. 
 

I am aiming to stay on 1.3mg for a good while, at the very least until the stresses in my life have reduced. The only concern I have is that being on a low dose for a long time means that I might become tolerant of it and develop symptoms while on it? I don’t know if this is how it works or not. 
 

I don’t know.

[Embi]

I’m doing okay but still not great. Beginning to question if I can even stabilise on this small dose. I am tired. 

[Embi]

Today is bad. I am ill and so anxious and scared. I don’t know if I have the mental strength to deal with the changes coming up in my life. I don’t know if I should just go back up to 25mg and stay there. I feel like giving up. I just want my mental stability back and not to feel so much anxiety and dread and terror. 

[FireflyFyte]

6 hours ago, Embi said:

Today is bad. I am ill and so anxious and scared. I don’t know if I have the mental strength to deal with the changes coming up in my life. I don’t know if I should just go back up to 25mg and stay there. I feel like giving up. I just want my mental stability back and not to feel so much anxiety and dread and terror. 

 

It sounds like you are going through the The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization where you have windows (periods of feeling well/OK) and waves (periods of feeling poorly).

 

I know it's difficult but please don't give up. 

[Thorin]

On 3/14/2023 at 1:17 AM, FireflyFyte said:

 

You are not broken but your current feelings are valid and real.

 

If you aren't already, you may want to consider therapy. It can often help to talk through these concerns with a professional and get some guidance on how to navigate them. It's not a quick fix but it can be helpful.

Hi Embi, I absolutely second this. I could not have gotten to where I am today (still struggling but so much better) without a GOOD therapist. It’s a slow process but that can be welcome as you will notice steady changes over time and withdrawal is such a rollercoaster. I haven’t finished your thread but I just wanted to say that I felt like life was pointless for quite some time due to WD. I couldn’t feel anything, then I could only feel bad things and no pleasure and slowly it has improved. Day to day it seems the same. Then I look at where I was 4 months ago and I’ve climbed halfway up the mountain to healing. The best things you can do are eat healthy, practise self care and BE PATIENT. It’s hard, scary and horrible but it does improve! Good luck from Australia.

[Embi]

On 4/13/2023 at 3:08 PM, FireflyFyte said:

 

It sounds like you are going through the The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization where you have windows (periods of feeling well/OK) and waves (periods of feeling poorly).

 

I know it's difficult but please don't give up. 

Thank you, I think I’m struggling because this is not like the last time I crashed and I’m concerned that I’ve really messed up. Last time my windows and waves followed a pattern and the waves increased steadily over time. Now I seem to be all over the place. 

 

I am really trying not to give up. Thank you. I hope you’re doing well 💛

[Embi]

On 4/14/2023 at 3:46 AM, Thorin said:

Hi Embi, I absolutely second this. I could not have gotten to where I am today (still struggling but so much better) without a GOOD therapist. It’s a slow process but that can be welcome as you will notice steady changes over time and withdrawal is such a rollercoaster. I haven’t finished your thread but I just wanted to say that I felt like life was pointless for quite some time due to WD. I couldn’t feel anything, then I could only feel bad things and no pleasure and slowly it has improved. Day to day it seems the same. Then I look at where I was 4 months ago and I’ve climbed halfway up the mountain to healing. The best things you can do are eat healthy, practise self care and BE PATIENT. It’s hard, scary and horrible but it does improve! Good luck from Australia.

 
Thank you 💛 I have been trying to find a good therapist but it’s difficult. I think I’m finding the existential crisis/dread the worst, which is what makes everything feel pointless.
 

I have made a timer on my phone to count up from the date that I crashed to try an give some perspective of how long it has been because it feels endless. I’m trying to be patient. 
 

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it! Being reminded of these things is very helpful 

[Embi]

Things haven’t been too bad this past day but the underlying dread is starting to wear me down. The anxieties are still there but more dulled for now. 

 

I don’t want to have these anxieties cement into long term things but it’s exhausting pushing through them. Like yesterday I was so tired and got the usual panic about wearing a hoodie and socks, like I’m trapped and suffocated. I usually try to hold out so that I don’t reinforce the fear but yesterday I just took them off. I’m becoming scared of sleeping. Last night I sprayed myself all over with magnesium spray to try and calm myself down enough to sleep. The obsession with life/death is back and causing another existential crisis. It is hard to make progress in my life when I’m preoccupied with anxiety over death.

Last time I crashed I had such overwhelming horror but I managed to put it behind me afterwards. It is difficult because the intensity of it was worse overall but it was in shorter bursts. I had horrific mornings but evenings were a lot better. Right now I just have low level grind with intermittent high intensity moments. There isn’t much relief. 
 

I have to wear clothes. I have to sleep. I have to live and die. I can’t avoid these things. I’m just so tired.

[Embi]

Last night I had a late night and went to a music concert. Today I had a job interview so was very stressed. Then I had to go out and get other things done. Now I’m paying for it.

 

The existential anxiety is bad. I am so tired and I’m scared of sleeping. I’m terrified of life and equally terrified by death. It feels impossible and nauseating. I can’t even express the feeling. Is this just it now? I’m just sat here crying, I’ve been crying most of the day. I can’t handle this. I haven’t read about anyone else on here having these symptoms in the same way.

 

I don’t know how long I can take it. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to get better, I can’t even imagine how it was to be normal just two months ago.

 

I don’t know what to do. I want to increase again but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. 

[FireflyFyte]

1 hour ago, Embi said:

I don’t know how long I can take it. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to get better, I can’t even imagine how it was to be normal just two months ago.

 

You will get better but, sadly, there is no way to determine when that will happen.

 

Where you can, I would try to minimize stress which, I know, is easier said than done. 

[Embi]

3 minutes ago, FireflyFyte said:

 

You will get better but, sadly, there is no way to determine when that will happen.

 

Where you can, I would try to minimize stress which, I know, is easier said than done. 

 
Thank you for replying, I always appreciate your messages.
 

Unfortunately this crash has coincided with a period of time I knew was going to be incredibly stressful. I want nothing more than to just have the same boring routine every day.
 

I’m just worried all this stress is slowing my healing down.

[FireflyFyte]

16 hours ago, Embi said:

Thank you for replying, I always appreciate your messages.
 

Unfortunately this crash has coincided with a period of time I knew was going to be incredibly stressful. I want nothing more than to just have the same boring routine every day.
 

I’m just worried all this stress is slowing my healing down.

 

If you ever want to, feel free to send me a PM. Happy to be there for you as I can be.

 

I hope that your stressors calm down soon and you have a few less things to worry about.

[Embi]

On 4/20/2023 at 2:36 PM, FireflyFyte said:

 

If you ever want to, feel free to send me a PM. Happy to be there for you as I can be.

 

I hope that your stressors calm down soon and you have a few less things to worry about.

Thank you! I think I’m beginning to stabilise now, I’ve been feeling a lot more normal this past day for the first time since I crashed. I’m very glad I stuck with it. 

[Embi]

So it’s seven weeks since I crashed, five weeks since I increased my dose a little…and I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere. Yesterday I did cry all day but I was in a very stressful situation. It has been a long, long seven weeks. I’m glad I managed to hold out.

 

I can still feel the anxiety and awful thoughts lurking under the surface but for now I’m doing okay.

 

On the downside, I washed out a small chipotle jar to store my sertraline liquid in - it even went through the dishwasher - and now my current liquid tastes faintly like chipotle. 

[Embi]

Most of my withdrawal symptoms are still less severe, but the past week and coming month have been and are going to be incredibly stressful. I am trying to deal with that and I’m hoping it doesn’t create a wave. 
 

i am still having anxiety attacks and crying pretty much every day.The tardive dyskinesia type symptoms are still pretty bad also. At least I have less existential anxiety at the moment though, which makes it more bearable.

[Embi]

Another stressful day. Had another job interview and just crashed afterwards. Feel bleak about everything, like I’ll never find a job I like ever again. Like I’m going to spend the rest of my life stressed and sad. 
 

I’m living alone again which doesn’t help. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this hole. 

[Embi]

By the end of last week I was feeling more stable, I didn’t cry at work and could distract myself by keeping busy. It was a more ‘normal’ level of anxiety with occasional patches of what felt like withdrawal-anxiety. 
 

Over the weekend I was very busy with slightly stressful things and didn’t have a chance to relax. I became very irritable by the end of it. Now I’m back at work and while I haven’t cried yet, I’ve wanted to. I feel that underlying anxiety growing. I started my period today as well so I think that has had a bad effect. There’s less and less work available for me to distract myself with and I’m anxious about when the work runs out and I’m stuck doing very little. 
 

I haven’t heard back about my job interview either and that is also another stress. I wish there was something more I could do than just holding at my current dose right now. I feel like I need extra stability. 

[Embi]

It is now 2 months since I upped my dose from 1.25 to 1.3.

 

This week has been very busy and stressful. It has been both physically and mentally taxing and I’m paying for it.

 

I have so much anxiety and so much fear. I am exhausted but can’t quieten my brain to sleep. I just have to distract distract distract. 
 

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. 

[FireflyFyte]

17 minutes ago, Embi said:

This week has been very busy and stressful. It has been both physically and mentally taxing and I’m paying for it.

 

I have so much anxiety and so much fear. I am exhausted but can’t quieten my brain to sleep. I just have to distract distract distract. 
 

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. 

 

I am sorry to hear that your life has been so stressful recently.

 

Are there any small things you can do to treat yourself and possibly relax a little? A bath with candles? A gentle massage?

[Embi]

On 5/18/2023 at 9:46 PM, FireflyFyte said:

 

I am sorry to hear that your life has been so stressful recently.

 

Are there any small things you can do to treat yourself and possibly relax a little? A bath with candles? A gentle massage?

thank you, I think I’m going to try fit in an Epsom salts bath tonight and hopefully that should be nice and relaxing 

[Embi]

It has been a few months. I’m still at 1.3mg. A lot of my symptoms evened out and I’m more stable, I’m just very depressed and numb.

 

My life has changed entirely in the past four months and I’ve been under incredible stress since the start of this year. Right now I do wish I had medication to get through this. I’m considering trying a herbal supplement. 

I’ve started a new job with a lot of responsibilities and a steep learning curve but I just can’t bring myself to care at all. I just feel numb inside. I feel like all the stress has short circuited my brain and I’m burning out but I won’t get a proper break for another two months at least, maybe more. I really wanted to be reducing my meds further but I can’t. I also need to travel a lot soon and I don’t know how to deal with preparing liquid doses in other countries and other things.

 

I feel like I’m just being slowly ground down.

[Embi]

I am here because I don’t know what to do. I am really scared. Tomorrow I will be saying goodbye to my cat, who has been a massive support to me, because she is very sick. I am already in a bad place after losing my job. I don’t know how to cope at all. 
 

I am down to 0.3mg after some difficulty. I wanted some calm time to stabilise but now I feel overwhelmed by grief. I want to just go back up on sertraline to feel numb at least. I worked so long to get down to this point. I just don’t know what else the doctors can offer me at this point. I feel so out of sync with the world because I have no job but also don’t feel like I can do a job anymore. I feel so so anxious I could crawl out of my skin. 
 

Somebody please help.
 

[Embi]

anything would be appreciated