Avicii: Sertraline took my life?

[Avicii]

Hi all you brave WD-heroes out there! I have been reading a lot of posts on this site during the last year which has given me an enormous comfort when things have been extremly hard. I will try to write my story in english even if I am a swede…

 

So are you ready for my horror story? Its an ongoing nightmare that doesn’t seem to end. Ok here we go…

 

Since my terrible divorce in 2017 my health had been decreasing and in 2019 I finally made the horrible decision to try Sertralin. I have always been sceptical towards SSRI but I was now in a place where I had to try the pills. Right away, from the very first dose, I felt an akward feeling in my body and in my gentials. I started to feel a tiny bit better while taking the pills but I also felt that it affected my CNS. After 4 months I felt ok and thought ”well now I can stop taking this poison and everything will be alright”. OMG I was so wrong….I quit CT because my Dr told me the pills were like candy and that everything would go back to normal the day I stopped taking them. That must have been the lie of all times…

 

Month 1

Brain zaps 

 

Month 2 - 5

Completely numb penis

Pain in my penis

Pain in legs and feet

extreme anxiety 

nervous feeling in my entire body

Impossible to have sexual thoughts

brain fog 

Anhedonia

DP/DR

Need for isolation

Cognitive issues

Memory issues

blurry vision

fatigue

 

Month 6 - 9

All the above but now I also got penile atrophy and shrinked penis. I never have morning erections and erections can only be made by force.

 

Month 9-11

Now is were I saw some improvements in my cognitive functions. My body was not as nervous and I had moments of feeling ok (like 50%). My penis did not hurt as much but still severe shrinkage.

 

Month 12 (Now)

I still have some cognitive and memory issues and also some brain fog but this has gotten better. Anhedonia and the PSSD is making me really low. Just watching my penis being completely dead and shrunk makes me so afraid and also suicidal. Its like a have electricity from my waist down to my feet making a mess of everything in that area. 
 

I have quit alcohol, coffe, sex and training. I can not handle any of this which is something I grief badly. Thinking about a life without sex makes me very suicidal. I am a good looking guy in my late 30’s and I just want to go on with my life and perhaps meet a new partner in the future, that dream seems permanent destroyed because of 4 months on Sertralin. Isn’t that great…
 

It feels that I now only exist because my precious children needs me. I love them so much even if the Anhedonia and DP/DR has affected my feelings for them aswell which is terrible and makes me cry. Going through this WD is so lonely because no one understands what I am going through. I really dont know how much more I can take. Its been so many years of dispair and geting this WD-stuff is just to much.

 

I would say that my brain has gone from 0% to 60% this year which feels good but my penis has gone from 0% to maybe 10%. Getting my penis and sexuality back to 100% seems impossible, something has been broken I guess.

Guess I am just looking for some comfort and understanding from people who knows what I am talking about. ❤️
 

Take care!

[Kiasofia]

Welcome @Avicii

I'm sorry these drugs have caused you harm. Have you read these threads?

Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD)

 

Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia

 

When we recover, there are times of feeling OK mixed in with times of feeling bad.  This is called windows and waves.

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

So it’s easy for anyone reading your posts to get a quick overview of your situation we ask members to summarize their medication history in a signature following these instructions:

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

The search function on this site doesn't work very well. To find things on the forum I find the easiest is to type "survivingantidepressants.org + what you're searching for" into a search engine.

 

This is your Introductory topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

Edited January 3, 2022 by Kiasofia

[Avicii]

Thanks for your answer @Kiasofia

yes I have read all the PSSD-topics but I rather want to stay away from them because there is very little hope for full recovery. I have never heard of anyone healing from penile atrophy and that freaks me out. I used to be very sexual and now I have like 10% capacity and my genitals also hurts. Its very difficult to handle and accept that this is happening to me…

 

I would also like to tell you about what drove me into SSRI. 2 years ago I took Isotretoin and one day I woke up realising that my skin had become superthin and unelastic. I just had alot of loose skin in my face. This drove me almost completely mad in 2019 and I had thoughts like ”my life is over”. I do understand now that these thoughts made my CNS extremely unstable. Worrying about your face 24/7 is not a good thing for your CNS….

 

In oktober 2019 I started to lose plenty of hair in a very short period which gave me even more panic and I was now at a very dark place. I took my first pill of Sertraline and the rest is history. Lets just say that my CSN was really unstable even before the SSRI and that going on and of them made my system go bananas.

 

My skin has now healed (took 2 years) and my hair is back to 90% normal and that feels great. I am actually very calm at the moment and if I didn’t have the WD I would be in a very good place. 
 

Guess one day at a time is the way to go even though it’s hard to accept the cards I’ve been delt. 
 

if anyone has healed from penile atrophy please let me know 🙏

[Kiasofia]

14 hours ago, Avicii said:

there is very little hope for full recovery.

That is not my impression with regards to PSSD, but it can take a frustratingly long time.

 

 

 

I recommend reading  Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker (interview) as well as A straight talking introduction to psychiatric drugs by Joanna Moncrieff to better understand these drugs and their effects. The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry also has a lot of good information.

 

Here is our symptoms and self care section, you may find some useful ideas to help manage symptoms as you recover. 

Symptoms and self care topics  

Wishing you all the best!

[Avicii]

Just listened to ”I dreamed a dream” from Les Miserables….

 

This pretty much sums up my life nowadays…

 

”I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed”

 

 

[Avicii]

Thanks for your response @Kiasofia

I have made som really negative posts since I came here so here’s a positive one;

 

Things that actually have improved the last 3 months. (I dont want to talk about the first 9 months because that was the worst time of my life.)

 

- Brain fog 

pretty much gone

- DP/DR

much better

- Anhedonia

Better

- Electricity and pain in legs, feet, penis

Better

- cognitive function 

much better (I can read books again and watch TV, listen to music, etc

- Fatigue

better even though I still cant workout as hard as I used to

 

The one thing that still hangs around pretty much with no improvement is the PSSD and what I understand it often goes last or becomes permanent….my penis is completely dead. Why doesnt my penis improve when others are? Ok I admit there has been some improvements;

 

- Hardly no pain in my genitals anymore 

- I can now have sexual thoughts again even if its weak 

- I can get full length when I force my penis to get erection (can this be proof that my penis hasnt shrunk permanently?)

 

I still have a strange feeling down there and my penis is 99% of the time completely dead and numb. When my penis is flaccid its several inches shorter than before and also alot thinner. spermproduction is also extremly low. I have no morning erections either….

 

Well well things are improving so thats a good thing I quess? 

 

[Kiasofia]

Hi @Avicii As this is a site for a general audience, we're not keen about graphic descriptions of sex or sex organs here. If you wish to discuss symptoms, theories, and treatment of PSSD, please go to these sites:
 

PSSDforum https://pssdforum.org/

Yahoo group SSRIsex (log in to http://Yahoo.com to join)

Facebook group (log into Facebook.com to join)

Various pages on Rxisk.org

 

It's good to hear some things are improving for you.

[ChessieCat]

  

22 minutes ago, Avicii said:

My symptoms are also changing month by Month, maybe thats a sign of some kind of healing…

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

And

 

  

On 12/27/2015 at 6:37 AM, Altostrata said:

 

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were [...] to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and [...] to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while [...] is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made. 

And just like the Twin Towers- it's possible - but the building is a major effort -and it takes a good year or more sometimes.

 

 

[Avicii]

23 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

  

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

And

 

  

 

Thanks @ChessieCatI have already read thoose posts a million times 😅 and I read them twice a week for reasurrence. 
 

My brain feels really heavy right now and the anhedonia is worse again. I have no feelings for life or other people. I am pretty much living dead just trying to survive each day. I have also got nerve pain in my lower back….this one i new. I cant’t believe I am still being able to do the things I have to do. I teach everyday and I take care of my kids all alone. I should get some kind of diploma. 😅

 

Life is just so unfair and I guess for some people it’s just a long journey full with suffering…😔

 

I would do anything to have ME back again. I’m Beginning to forget how it felt being euphoric and looking forward to the future. I want that great feeling back when the CNS is working in harmony. I want my desire back when it comes to women. Living without any kind of sexuality is just not human and makes me so sad and angry.

 

Well, it’s time to start this new day now. I will survive this day to I guess….

[Kiasofia]

5 hours ago, Avicii said:

I am still being able to do the things I have to do. I teach everyday and I take care of my kids all alone.

That is good at least! I agree, you should get a diploma😉 One day at a time.

[Avicii]

 

I often listen to this old favourite song when I’m really low. I try to remember that one day it will all be over….
 

”When you're close to tears remember
Someday it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high

Though it's darker than December
What's ahead is a different color
One day we're gonna get so high

And at
The end of the day remember the days
When we were close to the edge

And wonder how we made it through the night”

[Avicii]

My brain is healing, I can feel it. Much less cognitive issues and almost no brain fog. Anhedonia is also alot better and I can feel my life coming back. 
 

what is not getting better is the electric feeling from my waist down my feet. Shouldn’t this be connected to the brain healing? Is the CNS healing slower than the brain. I have read many stories here with opposite problems where the physical pain goes away and the cognitive issues persists.

 

@ChessieCat@KiasofiaIs there any theory why my CNS isn’t healing together with my brain? Is it just slower and takes more time to correct itself?

[JesusSavemefromWD]

6 minutes ago, Avicii said:

My brain is healing, I can feel it. Much less cognitive issues and almost no brain fog. Anhedonia is also alot better and I can feel my life coming back. 
 

what is not getting better is the electric feeling from my waist down my feet. Shouldn’t this be connected to the brain healing? Is the CNS healing slower than the brain. I have read many stories here with opposite problems where the physical pain goes away and the cognitive issues persists.

 

@ChessieCat@KiasofiaIs there any theory why my CNS isn’t healing together with my brain? Is it just slower and takes more time to correct itself?

Such great news ur healing from this poison. What do u mean ur brain is healing but not ur CNS. The CNS is our brain, spinal cord and retina

[Avicii]

9 hours ago, JesusSavemefromWD said:

Such great news ur healing from this poison. What do u mean ur brain is healing but not ur CNS. The CNS is our brain, spinal cord and retina

What I mean is that my head is clearing up. Far from 100% but less Anhedonia, less brain fog and less of the fried feeling in my brain. The problem is that my body doesn’t follow, I almost have even more electric energi running around in my nerves now. The PSSD is not better either…well to be true maybe it is. I have had morning erections now four mornings in a row. It’s extremely weak erections but at least there is somethings going on in my body.

 

Maybe I am just to desperate to be 100% healed that I can’t see the improvements happening right in front of me. I think that as long as a have pain and this uncomfortable feeling in my pelivic region, it doesn’t matter if I heal in other places. This symtom needs to go for me to be able to fullt relax.

[DinaDina]

14 hours ago, Avicii said:

I have read many stories here with opposite problems where the physical pain goes away and the cognitive issues persists.

Hi Avicii! I'm in the same boat. I think that my brain 90% healed, maybe more. But my physical problems are still strong. I have issues with pelvic region as you.  

 

[Avicii]

1 hour ago, DinaDina said:

Hi Avicii! I'm in the same boat. I think that my brain 90% healed, maybe more. But my physical problems are still strong. I have issues with pelvic region as you.  

 

Sorry to hear that…it’s just terrible. I have had pain in my pelvic region now for 365 days in a row and nothing works the way it should. Can’t really believe that this has happened to me….I am glad my brain is better but having these physical problems is tearing me down…

 

How long since you quit SSRI?

[DinaDina]

5 minutes ago, Avicii said:

I have had pain in my pelvic region now for 365 days

What is it your pelvic pain? Just pain or something else? I'm off any meds for almost 13 months like you. I have huge problems with my bladder, urethra and genitals. It was becoming better but I'm in wave for last months.

[Avicii]

32 minutes ago, DinaDina said:

What is it your pelvic pain? Just pain or something else? I'm off any meds for almost 13 months like you. I have huge problems with my bladder, urethra and genitals. It was becoming better but I'm in wave for last months.

It’s very hard to explain but it feels like the system has collapsed. It doesn’t hurt at night so it must be the CNS not working in harmony. The pain feels like nerve pain. I had some problem with my bladder a couple of months ago but that is gone. My biggest concern is the pain and my numb and shrunk penis. I guess my brain has more healing to do because it seems like the brain fires of signals in a total mess…

 

all of a sudden I can have itches or stings anywhere on my body. It lasts for a second and then the next time it happends somewhere else.

 

It’s impossible to explain all of this to someone who hasn’t gone through the same thing.

[DinaDina]

1 minute ago, Avicii said:

The pain feels like nerve pain. I had some problem with my bladder a couple of months ago but thats is gone. My biggest concern is the pain and my numb and shrunk penis. I guess my brain has more healing to do because it seems like the brain fires of signals in a total mess…

I have problems with my urethra. I think it is like a spasm and it feels like PGAD. I would prefer PSSD but I can understand how it is awful for you.

[Avicii]

3 minutes ago, DinaDina said:

I have problems with my urethra. I think it is like a spasm and it feels like PGAD. I would prefer PSSD but I can understand how it is awful for you.

No you don’t want my issues 😅🤷‍♂️ We have both seen improvements so thats a good thing but I want to be healed now so I can continue my life….having pain in my genitals does not fit in the vision of my future…

[Avicii]

1 year update today. 10 months since my major problems started but 12 months since I CT Sertraline.

 

It’s a wonder I am still alive. Not only because of the WD but also because of everything that has happened in my life the past 4-5 years. Being forced to go through this awful thing aswell is just too much…

 

How can I find meaning when life keeps pushing me down the cliff? Am I supposed to suffer all my life? If yes, there is no meaning to continue this road. I am also all alone in this hell forcing my self to work and to take care of my kids. No one supports me and it’s now beginning to be too much for me to handle. I feel desperate….There’s so much that I want out of life but the door has been closed just in front of my eyes.

 

In about 5 minutes I am picking up my son from school to play 1 hour tennis. I wish I could do that with joy in my soul and without pain in my genitals. I guess that’s to much to ask. I know that many of you can’t even play tennis but I am just doing it because I force myself. 
 

I hope my 2 year update will be more optimistic (If I live to that day).

[Fairsome]

Hang in, bro, recovery is completely possible! I also dropped you a PM. However, I find it important to clear something up. Withdrawal symptoms arise from a dysfunction or dysregulation in the autonomic nervous system. If you search for Dysautonomia in the net, you can find that we have a lot of the symptoms mentioned and yes -- including erectile dysfunction. I don't think it's that much CNS damage but more like autonomic nervous system disruption as the body tries to reestablish homeostasis. 

 

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/6004-dysautonomia

[Avicii]

I watched Pirates of the Caribean yesterday with my kids and captain Barbosa, who is the captain of the Black Pearl and a crew that has been cursed. In the movie he says:

 

”Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea. Nor the warmth of a woman's flesh.”

Pretty much the same thing I live with everyday….living dead. 

[Avicii]

God help me please….😭😭😭

[Fairsome]

Hang in there, my friend... Remember Ben felt totally bad the first 18 months in... There is still time for things to change

[Avicii]

Thanks mate, I’m hanging in there with all I’ve got…

 

My daughter told me yesterday that ”dad, you are not nice to be around anymore”. That really hurt but I understand what she mean. I used to be a super dad, always in a good mood and doing alot of acitivities together with my kids. It’s getting harder and harder to fake how I feel and the kids have pretty much lost the father they used to have. It’s such a waste….

 

On the positive side I now start to remember how I used to feel before all this. The first 16 months were all blank…couldn’t remember anything. I can now remember which makes everything even harder because I can see it but I can’t reach it. 
 

What a trauma this is…impossible to make anyone understand what we are going through….

[Avicii]

It’s time for my 18 month update…

 

In turning 40 this week and I wish I could celebrate like a normal human being…

 

I still have tingles in my genital area and my penis is still shrunk. I also have anhedonia and loss of happy emotions…

 

Now to the good part!

Yesterday I felt romantic emotions for a girl at work. It came from out of the blue. We have been working together for a year and I have only seen her as a friend, even though she’s very pretty and funny. I haven’t had emotions for anyone during WD (not even my kids) so having theese feelings is just great! Maybe, just maybe things are starting to melt away after all…
 

I also have night erections almost every night and yesterday I had an erection (with help from my thoughts) during daytime, my first in 365 days….

 

So am I healed? Not even close…maybe 50% from who I used to be, but at least it’s not 0% because that’s where I started 18 months ago.

[Fairsome]

@Avicii do you still have the electrical feeling in your body or in your legs and penis? Did this improve?

[Avicii]

Yes I still have it but it’s much better. It continues to improve every month. I think this has to go completely before my penis can go back to normal (if it still can do that…). 

[Fairsome]

@Avicii you'll be alright! I saw a story, from a woman who had severe PSSD and needed 7 years to recover, as the first 3 years were absolute hell. Not too nice to lose so many years of your sexual function, but there is hope even if you suffer a lot the first 2-3 years

[Avicii]

Yes 7 years sounds realistic when it’s this severe….just 5 more years of suffering then. At least I can work and go to the gym but that’s pretty much all I can do. I don’t enjoy anything anymore and I used to be a very optimistic and happy guy. WD is beyond hell, it sucks out every cell in your body that contains life.

[Fairsome]

One day all of this will be gone and we will have everything back! 2 years aren't that much in the context of withdrawal, yes it's very depressing to live like that, but people recover. It's better to lose 5-6-7 years than your whole life.

 

I can study, go to the gym, and that's what I will be doing

[Mango123]

On 4/16/2023 at 9:55 PM, Fairsome said:

@Avicii you'll be alright! I saw a story, from a woman who had severe PSSD and needed 7 years to recover, as the first 3 years were absolute hell. Not too nice to lose so many years of your sexual function, but there is hope even if you suffer a lot the first 2-3 years

Hey @Fairsome to which Story are you referring here? Are you talking about @Altostrata or somebody else?

[Fairsome]

5 hours ago, Mango123 said:

Hey @Fairsome to which Story are you referring here? Are you talking about @Altostrata or somebody else?

No, I saw the story on reddit, it is from the PSSD Facebook group.

[Avicii]

2,5 years in and I still have 0,0% sexuality. It’s really awful to live like this.

 

Apart from that my brain has healed alot and I am much stronger today. 
 

Short update but I don’t know what else to say. Shrunk penis and Zero libido. Sex is one of the greatest things in life and Sertraline took that away from me.

[Fairsome]

2 hours ago, Avicii said:

2,5 years in and I still have 0,0% sexuality. It’s really awful to live like this.

 

Apart from that my brain has healed alot and I am much stronger today. 
 

Short update but I don’t know what else to say. Shrunk penis and Zero libido. Sex is one of the greatest things in life and Sertraline took that away from me.

These doctors, instead of saving lives, take people's lives with these horrible drugs! They deserve to be fired and punished for everything.

I have changed my beliefs about the neurobiology of withdrawal syndrome in the past week, after reading numerous arcticles, collecting information and trying to find logical explanation. The long-term WD symptoms probably are related to a massive decrease in the release/neuronal firing of serotonin rather than just "desensitized (post-synaptic) receptors" like I used to believe and like many people here say. This puts you in a hyposerotonergic state and causes all the symptoms and dysregulations within the CNS. I have found a healing frequency treatment for this but I will say if anything happens in a few weeks... There is hope that we can get our way out of this torture. For now, stay strong and I will report back if I can help.