Crh69: Lamictal

[Crh69]

Hey guys,

 

I've been without any Ativan since last Monday and surprisingly the rebound anxiety isn't as ferocious, however I do believe it was causing some problems so I'm glad to be off of it. 

 

I'm in such a constant state of stress that the feelings of anhedonia, dread, worry, anxiety and depression are making me feel like my life will not be able to return to a "normal". I fear not being able to be as cognitively diligent.. I still fear I have some stupid dependence on the Ativan despite not wanting to take it nor having taken it.. I fear that I won't ever enjoy life again. All my physicians have told me that it's a result of physiological trauma (taking the drug quickly at a high dose then removing it). It's not a result of the Ativan. The psych said that I should be okay at 2.5-3 months. However, I'm STILL inconsolable. I've never been this way despite all my years of severe panic as a teenager, dissociative depression as a teenager, migraines, trauma... I battle neuropathic pain from my LASIK surgery that took me a couple years to finally come to grips with. Several doctors I found were so helpful and reassured me that it wasn't me. I just want to believe that this isn't me... and that it isn't going to REMAIN me. 

 

I've started having chest pains from the severity of the stress... the fear of my faculties fading and me losing agency. I have nothing to support the claim that I wouldn't recover. I'm still tingly and tremors are still there but mild. Why am I so inconsolable? I'm sorry guys. I just needed to vent to people who get it. Does any of this make sense?

 

Cody.

[Altostrata]

Good for you, dropping the benzo. Quite often, we see people who think of a benzo as a security blanket.

 

Those may be the ways you think about yourself. You can manage these habits of thought. Have you worked with a psychotherapist or other coach? See

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

Creating a new self after withdrawal

 

Progress! What withdrawal symptoms have gone away for you?

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Journaling / Journalling / Writing therapy / Therapeutic Writing

 

"Forest bathing" reduces cortisol, aids mood, immune system

 

[mstimc]

On 1/17/2022 at 12:01 PM, Crh69 said:

I have nothing to support the claim that I wouldn't recover. I'm still tingly and tremors are still there but mild. Why am I so inconsolable? I'm sorry guys. I just needed to vent to people who get it. Does any of this make sense?

Chr69, Yes it does make perfect sense.  The power of anxiety is based entirely on its ability to control your thinking patterns.  It needs you to be in a constant state of fear and agitation for it to survive.  That's why your fear of being permanently damaged won't just go away, even though intellectually you know its not true.  Anxious thinking comes from a different, more primitive place in our brains, so it affects us more profoundly than higher thought forms.  The key is to accept thoughts just as thoughts and give them no more power than that.  Right now, your anxious brain is sending you danger signals; you can't necessarily stop that for now, but you can manage how you react to them.  It sounds so simple but it is so hard to do, especially at first.  But you can learn to deal with it.  And once you do, your progress will be amazing!

 

[Altostrata]

It's a situation of uncertainty. You need to be able to accept that, and not impose your own habitual conceptual structure on it, which is to expect the worst.

[Crh69]

I appreciate all the kind words.

 

I dare say that the anxiety continues to be less, but the traumatic experience caused such a rumination that I feel very "unclear, foggy, and out of it". My memory is there. My faculties are there. My perception of myself is still there, but it's not as precise. My physician told me yesterday he regrets ever putting me on lamictal. My therapist is very forthright regarding my recovery and her opinion of me and my other areas of life (she's amazing). I've organized times for me to get every lab, test completed while consulting a dietician to get me on the right path with my food. I'm getting everything that I need to feel like I'm headed in the right direction.

 

The only thing that runs me down is that for some reason... I believe i'm the exception to the rule and that my cognition will ultimately fail because of the way I came off the drug despite not being on it very long. It was haphazard, but ultimately I want to void myself of that thought process... because once I'm back to a complete functional state without this fear and "reality" I'll be pissed for wasting so much time ever having worried about what's been consuming my life the last couple years. 

 

How do you force yourself through a time where you feel like everything isn't quite real, while managing the anxiety of doing these things? That's where I'm at. I never had a physical symptom of withdrawal, but I've manifested every traumatic response to this possible.

 

You guys have done nothing but help me. I'm so thankful for this group. 

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

The only thing that runs me down is that for some reason... I believe I'm the exception to the rule and that my cognition will ultimately fail because of the way I came off the drug despite not being on it very long. It was haphazard, but ultimately I want to void myself of that thought process... because once I'm back to a complete functional state without this fear and "reality" I'll be pissed for wasting so much time ever having worried about what's been consuming my life the last couple years. 

Hi 

 

This paragraph says it all, and also says you're in a better place than you might think.   I think we've all felt like were the lone "exception to the rule" and can't recover.  Recovery can be incredibly frustrating, but self-blame isn't productive. The fact that you want to void yourself of that process tells me you know these are just thoughts and have only the power they're given.  The aren't rooted in reality. 

 

Don't worry about wasting time.  This is a growth process, and if you learn how to manage your thoughts without meds, you will reap a lifetime of benefits and be a stronger person for it.

[Yesyes123]

On 1/9/2022 at 3:37 PM, Crh69 said:

An informal discussion with a Neurologist said that the cognitive impacts of stopping the medication indicate that it was "working" and that I could potentially be having "seizures".

 

I have personally never met nor ever known about a doctor who truly understands what ADWD is and how to properly help it, other than ones like David Healy who have written books about it and all.

[Yesyes123]

On 1/4/2022 at 12:05 PM, Crh69 said:

horror story from a LASIK surgery that caused such disastrous implications for my mental health

 

Could you please tell us more about this? I have considered getting eye laser surgery before but now I absolutely won't...

[Yesyes123]

On 1/13/2022 at 10:29 AM, Crh69 said:

now I feel like I’ll never get back to my pre lamictal days.

 

 Look, this is very common for people in WD. 

 

You might feel like you have died, or that the "good" part of your life is over, that you're inferior to what you once were...

 

These are all illusions brought on by your current state of mind.

 

Someday this will not bother you anymore and will be just a story to tell.

 

It's just the first few months that are brutal, but things always begin to fall into place eventually.

[Blossom71]

Hi @Crh69

 

I wanted to post something that I posted on my own thread a couple of days ago in the hopes it may help you like it did me.

 

 

“Yesterday I had a lunchtime chat with hubby while i sobbed. I tried to explain  how I felt like I’d been smashed to pieces by my trauma and the meds and will be forever broken.

 

He said “you were broken but you put yourself back together, but you probably won’t be the same as before you were broken because life and experiences change us”

 

He reminded me of the Japanese art of kintsugi. if you’re not familiar here’s an article that explains it.

Nothing is ever truly broken - that's the philosophy behind the ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi, which repairs smashed pottery by using beautiful seams of gold.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/326qTYw26156P9k92v8zr3C/broken-a-pot-copy-the-japanese-and-fix-it-with-gold

 

He’s right. Different isn’t necessarily less beautiful”

[Altostrata]

@Yesyes123 has it right. You're hurting yourself for no good reason.

 

On 1/20/2022 at 3:16 PM, Crh69 said:

I believe i'm the exception to the rule and that my cognition will ultimately fail because of the way I came off the drug despite not being on it very long. It was haphazard, but ultimately I want to void myself of that thought process

 

You can stop it if you don't like it. Please discuss this with a therapist. Unfortunately, we don't have the resources to help you with this here, and it's better done one-to-one.

[Crh69]

I figured I'd drop by and give a little update:

 

The "neuro" anxiety and depression is pretty much gone. The only thing that I've been dealing with is this disconnect between my mind-brain and body. I'm still struggling with emotions and corporal experiences. It's improving but very, very slowly. Dropping the drug in 10 days really, really threw my entire CNS for such a loop. This is the scariest piece. I know it resolves when stress is low and the brain is given optimal nutrition and opportunity for healing. Plus, the general timeline for someone like me is roughly 2-3 months before significant improvement is noted. 

 

I've learned a lot from this experience, and despite my fear and trepidation moving forward, the amount that I've experienced in life has prepared me for this final stop in my overall journey to wellness. My LASIK experience makes my life so unique. I've used it to optimize my approach and impact in many areas of life to not only myself but to others. It continues to this day.

 

I've consulted a dietician who provided me a wonderful plant based diet. I've consulted an integrated medicine physician (holistic) who did some genetic testing and started me on an intense vitamin D supplement (I'm incredibly deficient). My therapist is challenging me in ways I've never experienced, creating a new outlook and increased intrapersonal view of why I do the things I do. 

 

It sucks it took all this for me to get to this point. However, I'm incredibly grateful for Alto and this site, as well as the connections I've made through research. It sucks walking around feeling so "out of it". Thankfully now that I'm off everything, with diet, routine, and holistic treatments I'm able to give myself the ability to recover. I'm super excited to see what the genetic testing reveals. 70 pages worth of information that's undeniable is pretty compelling. 

 

I send my well wishes to everyone. Thank you for sticking with one another and with yourselves. As I continue my clinical practice I will proceed with severe caution when discussing referrals to psych for meds v. encouraging clients to pursue any and all other means. 

[Altostrata]

Great to hear you're doing better. Sounds like you learned a valuable life lesson. Please do share it with others on this site, so many start out so worried their symptoms will never change.

 

Dubious that genetic testing will show anything useful regarding withdrawal or drug adverse effects, but maybe....

[Crh69]

The visit itself was not solely related to the withdrawal. I need to get my life on track. Given that I have a history of migraines, headaches, fatigue, neuralgia, etc… could indicate a neuro immune response which shows my transmitters at baseline aren’t doing what they’re supposed to or aren’t proliferated enough. There’s a plethora of things it could indicate, however when it’s all said and done this is the best bet I have to getting as much of my optimal life on track. 
 

im still set for an EEG given my current status. I’m told it’ll be another month or so before I show resolve, as you had also mentioned. I just can’t understand or truly explain the disconnect. My memory is very well intact but I’m just kind of removed from things. My eyes are required for balance, and I notice I still have minor shakes. This could all be trauma related from the experience or simply my diet, etc. time will help as well as definitive testing.

Ive found when it comes to this, exhausting all options is your best bet.

[Crh69]

Does coming off any psychiatric drug put you at risk for worse mental health issues after having stopped them? I have horrible Anhedonia and I haven’t been quite off for 2 months. I don’t care about anything. It sucks, and I have constant chest tightness with the anxiety. Chest pains and arm pains suck too. I’m also tired of being gaslit by every physician.

 

likewise, what’s the likelihood of developing a neurological disorder from stoping an AED? The disconnect is still there and it sucks. 
 

Idk what the hell to do. This has singlehandedly been worse than my lasik recovery. I can’t do anything.

[Altostrata]

Those are your habits of thought making you feel miserable.

 

Emotional anesthesia is common after people stop psychiatric drugs. It can take a long while for your nervous system to go back to factory settings.

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

Does coming off any psychiatric drug put you at risk for worse mental health issues after having stopped them? I have horrible Anhedonia and I haven’t been quite off for 2 months. I don’t care about anything. It sucks, and I have constant chest tightness with the anxiety. Chest pains and arm pains suck too. I’m also tired of being gaslit by every physician.

 

likewise, what’s the likelihood of developing a neurological disorder from stoping an AED? The disconnect is still there and it sucks. 
 

Idk what the hell to do. This has singlehandedly been worse than my lasik recovery. I can’t do anything.

Crh69

 

As Alto and the other mods and admins have said many times to other members, there is no evidence withdrawal leads to any kind of irreversible damage.  Your best bet for recovery is to let go of trying to find answers about cause and effect and what may happen.  Instead, focus on what you can control, which is the choices you make for recovery.  Commit to the belief you can and will recovery, and use your mental energy to your best advantage by finding and using coping tools. 

 

See my advice on avoiding the rabbit hole of looking too hard for causes and symptoms:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/22578-name-your-dragon-but-dont-invite-it-into-your-house/#comment-479420

 

You are experiencing withdrawal in all its ugliness. I know how dark things seem right now because of I've been there, too.  It wasn't until I got so tired of asking why this was happening and what was causing it, that I really began to recover.  You can recover, too--we all can.  Persevere and have faith in your won strength. 

[Crh69]

I know it sounds like withdrawals and my brain is just starting to turn over for healing…

 

I don’t know why but every professional other than two make me think that this is a re emergence of worse depression because I wasn’t on the drug very long… but I can’t say I ever remember feeling this way. I keep seeking validation for some reason. 
 

can someone link me articles about the brain and the disproven chemical theory? That’s been bogging me down. I’m scared of needing meds to get this to go away or to ever be better.

[Blossom71]

There’s a thread on it here:

 

hope that helps x

[mstimc]

4 hours ago, Crh69 said:

can someone link me articles about the brain and the disproven chemical theory? That’s been bogging me down. I’m scared of needing meds to get this to go away or to ever be better.

There is this article, exploding the myth of chemical imbalance in the brain.  https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/debunking-two-chemical-imbalance-myths-again

 

More importantly, you are falling into the trap of seeking multiple reassurances.  You are experiencing a version of health anxiety--constantly seeking "proof" you will be okay.  

4 hours ago, Crh69 said:

I keep seeking validation for some reason. 

 

Intellectually, you know you are in withdrawal, but your anxious mind is telling you this will never go away, or can only be controlled by meds.  The problem is, you can read the article I linked, but then your anxious mind will tell you to "look deeper" and you'll find another article saying there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, and you'll be right back where you started.  The key to recovery is accepting that these thoughts will come, but robbing the of their power by not acting on them.  As I've mentioned before, turning your attention to coping skills and affirmatively managing your symptoms will get you a lot farther than seeking answers from outside yourself.  You can do this!

[Crh69]

My cognition has not improved much... I've recently gotten headaches more consistently. The cognition surrounding those headaches is limited. I'm still very easily influenced and scared... I saw a neurologist today who says I should've gotten imaging after my car accident.. he also ordered me an EEG.

 

I feel crazy talking about this to any more providers, but I've done nothing but ruminate. I saw an "integrative medicine psychiatrist". I explained to him that my changes in cognition happened after I stopped the Lamotrigine. His IMMEDIATE response was "I've never had anybody have any cognitive problems while on or going off the drug". I later told him that dispersing that information without prompt was incredibly dismissive and I didn't feel like I was gaining anything from the interaction. Needless to say, another one bites the dust. I re-established with my old PCP who spoke to me about things and made me more at ease. She as well as the neurologist I saw continued to tell me that you never abruptly stop a medication like that. 

 

All I can say is that I've never experienced anything quite like what I've been dealing with as of late. I've never experienced depression and anxiety such as this... with the obsessions and the dread... the cognitive dissonance and just overall cognitive disconnect. It's been almost 2 months off the drug I was only taking for a few months and I'm unsure whether or not I should be thinking that I am in fact horribly Depression.. maybe I'm Bipolar... maybe my former partner pushing the Adderall on me made me manic one time and I've since been unable to recover from it.

 

I'm venting, but I'm terrified. I'm getting scared to bring this issue up because I don't want anymore meds thrown at me... and we all know when people stop talking about their issues it only creates an environment to fuel more worsening symptoms.

 

Is this the medication, or is this my new psychiatric state? I can tell you I didn't feel like this prior to the drug... I could experience very complex emotions and had a very vivid memory... I'm sorry for venting but I'm in a very dark place. I'm scared of literally everything. I don't want this to be the end of me, but I feel like I dug myself a hole that i will inevitably never leave.

 

 

[mstimc]

Chrh69, right now, your obsessive negative thoughts are controlling your self-perception.  They're telling you that you're bipolar or the meds have somehow  permanently damaged you, or any number of other thing to keep you agitated.  The fear-generating part of the brain is our most primal, and is very powerful.  When it can't find a real reason to be afraid, it starts inventing them.  You get trapped in a never-ending search for a reason that doesn't exist.  The only way to overcome these feelings is lean to rob them of their power--to dismiss them as only thoughts and nothing more, and practice the tools you need to cope.

 

It doesn't matter a tinker's d**n what a doctor or psychiatrist thinks he or she knows.  Unless you experience WD for yourself, its easy to dismiss.  Try to focus on recovery instead of causes that you'll never find and terrible things that will never happen.  Every time your fearful mind tells you that you'll never recover, tell yourself you can't wait to get started on your recovery, and how lucky you are to have a support group like this. Replace the negtaive ruminations with positive affirmations.  It will take time and it won't be easy, but you can recover.

[Yesyes123]

On 2/9/2022 at 7:18 PM, Crh69 said:

My cognition has not improved much... I've recently gotten headaches more consistently. The cognition surrounding those headaches is limited. I'm still very easily influenced and scared... I saw a neurologist today who says I should've gotten imaging after my car accident.. he also ordered me an EEG.

 

I feel crazy talking about this to any more providers, but I've done nothing but ruminate. I saw an "integrative medicine psychiatrist". I explained to him that my changes in cognition happened after I stopped the Lamotrigine. His IMMEDIATE response was "I've never had anybody have any cognitive problems while on or going off the drug". I later told him that dispersing that information without prompt was incredibly dismissive and I didn't feel like I was gaining anything from the interaction. Needless to say, another one bites the dust. I re-established with my old PCP who spoke to me about things and made me more at ease. She as well as the neurologist I saw continued to tell me that you never abruptly stop a medication like that. 

 

All I can say is that I've never experienced anything quite like what I've been dealing with as of late. I've never experienced depression and anxiety such as this... with the obsessions and the dread... the cognitive dissonance and just overall cognitive disconnect. It's been almost 2 months off the drug I was only taking for a few months and I'm unsure whether or not I should be thinking that I am in fact horribly Depression.. maybe I'm Bipolar... maybe my former partner pushing the Adderall on me made me manic one time and I've since been unable to recover from it.

 

I'm venting, but I'm terrified. I'm getting scared to bring this issue up because I don't want anymore meds thrown at me... and we all know when people stop talking about their issues it only creates an environment to fuel more worsening symptoms.

 

Is this the medication, or is this my new psychiatric state? I can tell you I didn't feel like this prior to the drug... I could experience very complex emotions and had a very vivid memory... I'm sorry for venting but I'm in a very dark place. I'm scared of literally everything. I don't want this to be the end of me, but I feel like I dug myself a hole that i will inevitably never leave.

 

 

 

These are all very common symptoms of psychiatric drug withdrawal syndrome.

 

Time will heal you. This is not permanent.

 

Don't waste your time trying to speak sense into doctors. Have you considered a tiny dose reinstatement?

[Crh69]

So I did talk to my new psychiatrist yesterday who said that he strongly opposes any new medications or the reinstatement of lamotrigine because of my current mindset toward it. He doesn’t feel I’m bipolar and says that therapy, exercise, and lifestyle changes beat out medications for MOST psychiatric diagnoses. He recommended neuro psych testing for reassurance, is in agreement that the lamotrigine was tapered too quick, and my neurologist expresses the same concerns. I got together with my old PCP who also corroborates everything. 
 

it’s possible there are two factors at play: a delayed post concussion syndrome with the adjunct abrupt stopping of lamotrigine. I’m not sure what the EEG/MRI will show, but nonetheless it’s information that will put me at ease either way. I’d like to stay off meds, but this wave… horrible horrible wave of depression and crippling anxiety that has never been this intense scares me to the point that lamotrigine seemed enticing again. 
 

keep in mind: I’ve been non stop anxious and scared since my LASIK incident in 2017. I was living with pain and issues for 5 years that, in some regard, won’t ever go away. I’ve learned to cope and was living a normal life until I had 2 horrible relationships and subsequently took adderall for a couple months. The adverse reaction to the drug made me do many things I regret. That’s what led to the lamictal, which has led me to where I’m at now. The issues growing up are also coming to light, but these have compounded and concurrently confounded much of what I’ve been dealing with. Life is harder, but in most instances I’ve been harder. This time is different… I’m lonely and I miss those people. It’s hard to move past it, but I have no choice. I won’t give up.

[Yesyes123]

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

subsequently took adderall for a couple months.

 

I believe this is your first mention of Adderall in here? Please add it to your signature and also any other drug you might have taken so the moderators can be more aware of your situation.

 

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

he strongly opposes any new medications or the reinstatement of lamotrigine because of my current mindset toward it.

 

I don't see this is a good thing. Of course we all hate what these drugs have done to us and wish we had never taken them but often a tiny dose reinstatement will greatly alleviate withdrawal symptoms and you might see huge improvement.

 

You would then proceed to very slowly taper off that reinstated dose after you stabilize.

 

The exact dose would need to be defined with some help from the more experienced moderators but I can give you some insight on what I'd do if I were you in case you're interested.

[Crh69]

The adderall is a non issue.

I was told by the head honcho herself that it’s pointless to reinstate at this time. Nobody else recommends it. Yes, lamotrigine is an intense drug, but it’s been 2 months that I’ve been completely off. Reinstating any dose at this point could throw me for a loop I’m not prepared for.

[Crh69]

I saw a specialist (concussion) who said I definitely have vestibular issues… potentially related to my head injury in November or the removal of the drug. What I’ve read about vestibular issues doesn’t look good, but I’m hoping someone here can give me Insight. Is it worth it looking into a small dose reinstatement? At this point I’m desperate, but it’s possible that these vestibular issues won’t go away and I can’t live like that.

[Crh69]

Hey Guys,

 

It's been additional weeks. I notice a lot more of the mood related issues starting to wane, of which I'm incredibly happy. However, I feel the disorientation, tingling in scalp, pressure/unique feeling in the front of my head. My eyes have a hard time focusing, balance is off.. some additional things. I never really focused on them because the anxiety was so overwhelming. Now, I'm just to the point where I need this last little bit to subside. I'm still somewhat anhedonic because of hyperfocused attention on these particular issues. Reaching out for additional advice. I'm currently taking Mito Cell, Vitamin D3 10,000ius, Magnesium, and some CBD to help with inflammation. The CBD KNOCKS me out and I enjoy that aspect of it. My integrated medicine physician has been helping me change everything and it's been of a big help.

[Crh69]

Hoping somewhere someone on this site sees this. I've noticed some comments of people not wanting to respond to "complaining". That's why I assumed my previous comments had been disregarded, and I understand that completely.

 

I recently had an EEG/MRI done that came back negative (as we all suspected and knew). It hasn't been quite 3 months since I was abruptly taken off lamictal and have brutally suffered through without instating anything. What I can say is that I'm noticing very small, subtle improvements. However, these improvements are not significant enough for me to acknowledge that I'm "in the clear" or anything like that. I'm still incredibly depressed and anxious with ruminations, obsessions, irrational fears. The anhedonia is probably the absolute worst part, considering that I would love to actually enjoy everything I used to. Even from my LASIK trauma and brief time on adderall I've felt much better than I do now. My cognition is still lagging and I'm having more frequent head pressure, tingling, and headaches. These cloud my perception and awareness as well. 

I continue to see a therapist. She encourages me to get exercise and get moving. I have a hard time doing this despite having recently just bought a home, gotten a new job, and forced myself to do that.

I'm curious of anybody's opinions as to whether or not I should reinstate a small dose. The other thing I've been considering is asking my physician for a placebo to kick start something. Studies show even people who take placebos knowingly still show a strong improvement in symptoms. After all, that's what we're trying to do in the first place.

 

Hoping to hear back from someone. 

[mstimc]

Hi Crh

 

I can't comment on reinstating--that's really a personal decision based on how you think it'll benefit you in the log run.  I will say reinstating is, at best, a gamble. It may help or it may have no effect.  Either way. its not a long-term solution. 

 

13 minutes ago, Crh69 said:

I continue to see a therapist. She encourages me to get exercise and get moving. I have a hard time doing this despite having recently just bought a home, gotten a new job, and forced myself to do that.

 

I think this is the essence of your dilemma.  Your therapist is right--getting moving, focusing on something other than your symptoms, and practicing coping techniques is key to recovery.  You've had the physical tests you thought would help.  Reinstating may seem like a quick and effective solution, but if you hit tolerance or it doesn't work, what's your backup plan?  Unfortunately, IMO, the road to recovery is long and takes work and patience, especially with yourself.  But if you put the effort into non-medication strategies, it'll pay off in the long run and give you the relief you're seeking. 

 

[mstimc]

How are you doing, Crh69?

[Crh69]

Hey @mstimc

 

Im alive. I’m having difficulty focusing still, but my memory is good… it’s confusing. I’m having a lot of cluttered thoughts. It’s distressing. My birthday was on Sunday, and it was difficult to enjoy it but I tried. I can’t remember feeling this way at an earlier time in my life, but this is the lowest and most difficult time of my life. 

[mstimc]

Hi Crh69

 

I know its seems like this will never stop and you'll never make progress, but you will.  Acceptance and gratitude can help.  Yes, the thoughts will come but you don't need to act or ruminate on them.  They are just thoughts.  And try to see where you can be grateful.  You woke up, you have a job and a roof over your head.  It sounds simplistic, but replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations can really help--but only if you keep doing it and put the same mental energy into it as you do with your negative thought patterns.  There is a way through!

[Crh69]

Thanks @mstimc

 

I have a couple qualms with what’s going on…

 

As most of us, I’m sure we have family who are there but some expect us to snap out of it. I don’t know much about the snapping out part. 
 

the further away I get from the date of having stopped the drug (which was still only 2.5-3 months) I wonder if this is my new normal? I know antipsychotic drugs do a number on the brain, but what about mood stabilizers? I know @Altostrata utilized a very low dose of lamotrigine to help her get better stabilized. I don’t know if this is much an option for me at this point. The physician who prescribed it to me insists this is my mental health that needs treated. As I try telling him and everyone else… I’ve never felt like this. I can’t get ANY enjoyment from things I did even during my LASIK crisis. I could go into symptoms but it’s pointless.

I’m scared and I’m afraid to get help. I’m going to ask my psych for a placebo and I’m hopeful for something to happen. Any suggestions? I just feel like I can’t or won’t be able to avoid this… I’m going back in time and hurting myself all over again with thoughts and negatives… social media sucks… society sucks. 

 

[Altostrata]

If foggy brain is your only problem, hang in there, this will fade. How's your sleep?

 

Please add your benzo use to your signature.

 

6 minutes ago, Crh69 said:

As most of us, I’m sure we have family who are there but some expect us to snap out of it.

 

You have family telling you to snap out of it? Is this what's making you anxious? As a therapist once said: "Quit looking in the garbage pail for your supper." Stop asking them for reassurance. You might want to see a psychotherapist who will coach you in patience, self-soothing, and stress coping skills instead.

 

Why would you pay a psychiatrist to prescribe a placebo? You can prescribe one for yourself. Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you. Please let us know how you’re doing.

[Crh69]

@Altostrata I am seeing a psychotherapist. I have the brain fog with confusion, bad thoughts, disorientation, headaches now are everyday, Anhedonia, disconnect between vision/memory/hearing… list goes on. I don’t remember the time frame for the benzos. I took 16.5 pills roughly in a month.

 

I’d take a prescribed placebo because there’s a different context to getting it from a provider than taking a supplement, but it is ultimately how we view it. That’s the truth and you’re right. I trust this psychiatrist, and I’ve been obsessing and ruminating that my GP pretty much ruined me. 
 

is it still possible that only being on that drug for that long could make me feel so much worse for so long?