Crh69: Lamictal

[mstimc]

Altostrata beat me to the punch, as usual! 

The only thing I'd add is to stop looking for the "real you" in the past.  The real you is what you chose to make it based on what you've been through.  When I finally hit recovery, I was not the same person I was before WD, nor did I want to be.  That person was the one who had to turn to Paxil to handle my anxiety and OCD.  The new, post-recovery me was more resilient, wiser, and far more self-forgiving.  The effects of meds aren't permanent, but repeating the same damaging thought patterns will get you nowhere.  Really--its okay not to feel anxious about the future or guilty about the past--nothing bad will happen if you let go of those thoughts, but something great may happen!

[Altostrata]

Brain fog, confusion, and disorientation may be lingering effects of your going on and off drugs, with quitting the lamotrigine being the first upset.

 

Are you prone to headaches? When did these start? Do they happen at the same time each day? Did you recently quit drinking coffee or smoking cigarettes? How's your sleep?

 

It sounds like bad thoughts, rumination, not getting support from your family, etc. are problems you can work on with a psychotherapist, you can learn to manage them or resolve them. They probably were there before you took any drugs and are not a result of drug-induced upset.

 

If you want to pay a psychiatrist to prescribe fish oil and magnesium to you instead of trusting your own judgment, thus supplying yourself your own placebo, that's your choice. You might also talk about this with your psychotherapist, because your reasoning is odd. Do you simply want to hang out with your psychiatrist? Do you need a medical professional to tell you not to worry?

[Crh69]

@Altostrata I agree with you that it’s odd that I feel the need to have a medical professional help me define what’s going on and further assist. Here’s the reasoning:

 

the traumatic nature of the LASIK surgery left me thinking that there was something faulty with me that led to that reaction, OR that it was a natural timeline of my life. I found out this wasn’t true, and the surgery is incredibly dangerous.. and it’s contraindicated for people who have previous mental health concerns. It was another doctor that affirmed my fears and offered me adequate treatments, one of which was nortryptiline for pain management and it worked after only a month. I stopped it because I was too groggy and retaining urine. My mentality won’t let me believe that I can do this myself, because doing it myself is finding the right person to give me everything I need and me doing the rest. if you have any advice for that I’m welcome to it.

 

ive had chronic headaches since I was a teenager. I turned 29 yesterday, so I’ve been dealing with them. They’ve transformed over the years especially with my eyes being damaged.

 

 

[mstimc]

7 minutes ago, Crh69 said:

My mentality won’t let me believe that I can do this myself, because doing it myself is finding the right person to give me everything I need and me doing the rest. if you have any advice for that I’m welcome to it.

Chrh, do you see the contradiction here?  You want someone to give you everything you need but you can do the rest, and you've convinced yourself you can't do it yourself.  This is self-defeating thinking.  You already have the person who has everything you need--yourself! Until you believe that, all the advice and professional help on earth won't be of benefit.  I'm not trying to lecture you or give you a hard time, but seeking some kind of external cure for your WD and anxious thinking simply won't work.  Give yourself credit for being stronger than your fears are telling you that you are.

Edited March 7, 2022 by mstimc

[Altostrata]

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

ive had chronic headaches since I was a teenager. I turned 29 yesterday, so I’ve been dealing with them. They’ve transformed over the years especially with my eyes being damaged.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You've tried the food restrictions, etc.?

 

It seems that you may be feeling brain fog and disorientation from your drug withdrawal. If I were you, I'd be patient and let this heal on its own. Don't add your own anxiety to it. This is one of those acceptance situations.

 

Your other symptoms, including the headaches, do not seem to be related to your withdrawal experience. Unfortunately, medicine has holes and you feel through a couple of them. This happens to a lot of people and can be quite shocking, even causing existential fears and doubts, from which you seem to suffer, as well as adverse effects of treatments.

 

No doctor is going to be able to tell you there are no holes in medicine, roll back the accidents that happened to you, and restore you to your prior confidence in a safety net.

 

You'll need to work on your psychological symptoms -- self-doubt and health anxiety among them -- with your therapist. We don't have the training to help you with that here.

 

See

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

[Crh69]

@Altostrata

 

I’ve begun having overwhelming fear and I’m scared of somehow becoming psychotic. I’ve never felt like this prior to lamictal and now im terrified of what I’m feeling. I want to reinstate something low dose like you did and I need tips

[Altostrata]

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

I’ve begun having overwhelming fear

 

Please explain more about this.

 

On 3/7/2022 at 1:22 PM, Altostrata said:

You'll need to work on your psychological symptoms -- self-doubt and health anxiety among them -- with your therapist.

 

Have you discussed health anxiety with your therapist?

[Crh69]

@Altostrata
 

I just don’t feel very “attached”. I’m still not sleeping well and I’m more impressionable than I have been. My brain fog is as bad as it’s ever been and my head feels full of pressure. Tinnitus is happening more frequently and I’m having cluttered/racing thoughts that I can’t definitively identify. It’s like I’m perpetually panicked and I’m afraid to close my eyes. I’m afraid I’ll end up psychotic. I’m completely uncomfortable in any given situation.

 

I’ve discussed health anxiety at length with her. She agrees that I tend to have that idea of needing something to be wrong with me. She encourages me to get up and get active, but I’m just too scared too. It’s a crappy excuse but that’s how I feel.

 

I’ve been without the drug for almost 4  months now and I have a change in symptoms almost every day or every other day. 
 

im desperate, and the main reason I stopped the drug was to avoid any potential memory problems. I know that’s not a guarantee I would’ve experienced them but it was a relatively high risk I wasn’t willing to take. I’ve been struggling since.

 

before it is mentioned: yes I’m aware this isn’t a site for the replacement of therapy or other mental health services. I’ve been seen by holistic physicians and have everything I need, but I’m struggling to the point that I can’t physically get myself up to do it and I’m terrified. 

[Altostrata]

41 minutes ago, Crh69 said:

I just don’t feel very “attached”. I’m still not sleeping well and I’m more impressionable than I have been. My brain fog is as bad as it’s ever been and my head feels full of pressure. Tinnitus is happening more frequently and I’m having cluttered/racing thoughts that I can’t definitively identify. It’s like I’m perpetually panicked and I’m afraid to close my eyes.

 

As explained earlier, this is typical of an adverse drug reaction.

 

Please supply more details about the tinnitus. What does "more frequently" mean?

 

41 minutes ago, Crh69 said:

I’m afraid I’ll end up psychotic.

.... I’m struggling to the point that I can’t physically get myself up to do it and I’m terrified. 

 

You are bringing these beliefs to the party. You have control over them.

 

On 1/4/2022 at 7:05 AM, Crh69 said:

....I wasn’t on it a “significant” amount of time but I’m suffering some rather intense withdrawals that have slowly improved with time… but the neurotic emotions are not letting me believe I’m okay....

 

This is still what's going on.

 

Because this is a peer support site, we rely on non-drug coping techniques that people apply themselves -- but they have to find the strength within themselves to learn those techniques and practice them.

 

As explained before, it can take a long time and a lot of patience to allow natural recovery from an adverse drug event. Although some of your problems appear to be related to going off lamotrigine, it appears that your habits of thinking are your major issue.

 

We mainly provide support for people while they patiently heal. The rest is up to them. We're not in a position to recommend drugs to you to treat your problem, and we cannot provide you the psychotherapeutic coaching you need. We do not have any remedies to instantly erase all your bad experiences with medical treatment and with drugs.

[Crh69]

@Altostrata

 

whether or not it appears this way, your acknowledgment of the issue makes me feel a lot more at ease than I might give off. 
 

the tinnitus seems to be manifesting in a couple ways… I have the buzzing in my head feeling/hearing, but then it actually happens in one or both ears. I feel like it’s consistent. It wanes sometimes, but it appears to be happening consistently more often. It could be hearing damage but it’s only been pronounced like this since coming off the lamotrigine.

 

im all for the advice and peer support. I need it more than I can acknowledge. So if you have anything additional please let me know. Thanks for the acknowledgment.

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

m all for the advice and peer support. I need it more than I can acknowledge. So if you have anything additional please let me know. Thanks for the acknowledgment.

This is good!  Now work with it!  Alto is right...until you decide you want something better than the life you're living right now, you'll stay stuck.  And by "you decide", I mean the real you, not the you defined by ruminations and anxiety.  That's what happened to me.  I just go so tired of being worried, scared and anxious, my brain began to look for more positive ways to heal.  You're not alone--a lot of us have gone through what you're experiencing and have healed.  You can too!

[Altostrata]

1 hour ago, Crh69 said:

It wanes sometimes, but it appears to be happening consistently more often

 

Is this better or worse than it was in January?

[Crh69]

@Altostrata

 

worse

[Altostrata]

It's withdrawal-induced tinnitus. You might look for specialists to find out ways to cope with this. It still might go away.

[Crh69]

@Altostrata

 

okay. So you wouldn’t recommend a small dose reinstatement for stabilization?

[Altostrata]

Having reviewed your Intro topic, I see you've been to several specialists looking for medical treatment.

 

Meanwhile, we've been telling you that you appear to be recovering naturally from whatever withdrawal effects you might be suffering, and there doesn't seem any reason to risk reinstatement.

 

The most prominent symptoms you have appear from health anxiety. You generate these symptoms yourself. You are making your own problems. If you want drug treatment for this, feel free to see a doctor and try whatever drugs you wish. We do not provide peer support for this.

[DazzlingCold]

On 2/9/2022 at 4:18 PM, Crh69 said:

My cognition has not improved much... I've recently gotten headaches more consistently. The cognition surrounding those headaches is limited. I'm still very easily influenced and scared... I saw a neurologist today who says I should've gotten imaging after my car accident.. he also ordered me an EEG.

 

I feel crazy talking about this to any more providers, but I've done nothing but ruminate. I saw an "integrative medicine psychiatrist". I explained to him that my changes in cognition happened after I stopped the Lamotrigine. His IMMEDIATE response was "I've never had anybody have any cognitive problems while on or going off the drug". I later told him that dispersing that information without prompt was incredibly dismissive and I didn't feel like I was gaining anything from the interaction. Needless to say, another one bites the dust. I re-established with my old PCP who spoke to me about things and made me more at ease. She as well as the neurologist I saw continued to tell me that you never abruptly stop a medication like that. 

 

All I can say is that I've never experienced anything quite like what I've been dealing with as of late. I've never experienced depression and anxiety such as this... with the obsessions and the dread... the cognitive dissonance and just overall cognitive disconnect. It's been almost 2 months off the drug I was only taking for a few months and I'm unsure whether or not I should be thinking that I am in fact horribly Depression.. maybe I'm Bipolar... maybe my former partner pushing the Adderall on me made me manic one time and I've since been unable to recover from it.

 

I'm venting, but I'm terrified. I'm getting scared to bring this issue up because I don't want anymore meds thrown at me... and we all know when people stop talking about their issues it only creates an environment to fuel more worsening symptoms.

 

Is this the medication, or is this my new psychiatric state? I can tell you I didn't feel like this prior to the drug... I could experience very complex emotions and had a very vivid memory... I'm sorry for venting but I'm in a very dark place. I'm scared of literally everything. I don't want this to be the end of me, but I feel like I dug myself a hole that i will inevitably never leave.

 

 

@Crh69I actually read about a probiotic strain thay may help with negative thoughts and rumination, which I feel safe saying, we all go through. Im thinking it’s a strain that helps mood in general. Either way, just a thought if you’re interested in googling. During my hard days I do this a lot!! Sharing this screenshot as well as I don’t have the link.

I hope you have seen better days since you wrote this post. 

[DazzlingCold]

5 minutes ago, DazzlingCold said:

@Crh69I actually read about a probiotic strain thay may help with negative thoughts and rumination, which I feel safe saying, we all go through. Im thinking it’s a strain that helps mood in general. Either way, just a thought if you’re interested in googling. During my hard days I do this a lot!! Sharing this screenshot as well as I don’t have the link.

I hope you have seen better days since you wrote this post. 

Can’t upload the screenshot but google can help out if you’re interested.

[Crh69]

I try to avoid going on these websites as I realize it only fuels the anxiety that I’ve experienced as well as being a form of reassurance seeking.

 

i’ve learned more about myself after having stopped of the Lamotrigine. I started analyzing the previous behavior patterns I’ve had in my life. For a long time I can acknowledge that I had many behaviors that were exemplary of obsessive compulsive disorder. I had messages of obsessing over since remoter sensations, illness, cognitive issues, safety, etc. the list seems to be continually expansive. Despite the fact that I’ve been off the Lamictal at this point for going on 8, 9 months, I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety that has never been experienced before. I have continued to be medically gaslit, and or made to believe that my mental health as a whole was much worse before I had tried medication‘s. I don’t know what to believe at this point. All I know is that after my use of the Lamictal I have experienced bouts of depersonalization, severe depression, severe anxiety, and existential as well as mental health anxiety that is superseded even the worst trauma I had after my Lasik surgery. I find myself doubting my memories, I feel myself being emotionally numb except for anxiety fear sadness and all the emotions that resonate well given my current situation. I live with real event OCD as well. When I was taking Adderall I made a lot of choices and decisions that made me look like an absolute full, a ridiculous human being. Ike continue to push through every day and expose myself to fears, convince myself and utilize every cognitive technique for restructuring, and make so many lifestyle changes in hopes that I can retrieve some sort of normalcy.
 

I don’t know what happened to me. I read miraculous stories all the time of people doing wonderful things. I can’t get myself to believe that I can be one of those despite the fact that I do rather well but on the inside I am crying and scratching for some feeling of reprieve and solace from what I feel is an absolute hell.

 

I live every day assuming that I’m gonna become psychotic because of my interactions with medications. I live every day thinking that I’m going to become psychotic or develop schizophrenia because of a head injury, my interaction with the Adderall and how rage filled I was, in the experience I had withdrawing from the Lamictal. These are irrational beliefs and I acknowledge that. I’m consistently exposing myself to very high end exposures and doing everything that I can to help lessen the anxiety. I get stuck in these feelings of the realization, existential horrifying thoughts, and I can’t break the cycle. I was in an intensive outpatient program for OCD because of everything that’s been going on. What I can say for certain is that what I do remember if the previous life before having suffered such a horrible experience with these drugs is that my mind wasn’t as loud as it is now. The fear wasn’t as intense in all consuming. Now I’m hopeful that this is just fleeting because I was able to overcome a lot of other issues in my life. I’m hoping that I can except the fact that I am able to live happy moments and experience a good life. I’m hopeful that I can get past the point of feeling like at any given moment I’m just going to lose my self And never be able to regain any sort of consistency. My heart goes out to every single one of you that struggles. I’m gonna continue to push forward, but I’m scared for the way that I feel. I have had no peace of mind for the last eight, nine months. I have intermittently taken a very low-dose of a benzodiazepine to feel somewhat better. Even these feelings are fleeting. I exercise heavily to exhaust myself and go to sleep. I have not had any bouts of peacefulness and thought or sensation in my physical body. i’m debating whether or not I’m completely traumatized from the initial reduction in medication and then this is all a trauma experience. i’ve continued to torture myself by reading articles about how people have been permanently disabled by psychiatric medications and how toxic they are. I wish that all of you receive as much reprieve and solace and peace as you can. The thoughts that I’ve been feeling in my head or terrifying and make me doubt reality, life, just about everything.

 

living alone and trying to go through this is difficult. I’m somehow able to work seven days a week, make very good money, and continue to support my patients and my clients the best as I can. But at this point I’m nothing more than a walking zombie, a drone, somebody who doesn’t have much of a life worth living. I feel so detached from everything and disconnected from the world, but I continue to have some sort of semblance of hope and I keep pushing forward in hopes that things can get better. 

 

just remember that you can get through this. If anybody has any kind words or suggestions they were greatly appreciate it. Otherwise I wish you guys all the best. I know that you’ll make progress to the point where you will not need to think about this or be consumed about it anymore. Thank you for all that you do. 

 

Cody