Pollyjay: need support

[Pollyjay]

6 hours ago, Blossom71 said:

Hi @Pollyjay

I describe myself as a social introvert. I need to be around people but i don't always want to talk to them 😂

I hope you can get some transport soon as then that gives you the option of seeking people out when you need it.

 

I was interested to read about your pony. I am not remotely a horse person but my son does pony therapy as an organisation that helps kids with various difficulties. It has been an incredible experience for him and he's learned so much from it.  They did a parents session last year and taught us some of the techniques. By the end i could get the pony to just stop in front of me without moving or saying anything. My mind was totally blown!

 

Thank you for commenting Blossom!  Yes, it's totally unlike me to feel the need to be around people. I feel all out of kilter. 

 

The pony therapy sounds really interesting. I'm glad you enjoyed the parents day. It's great that you were able to learn some of the techniques they use! I'm not at all familiar with anything like that, I'd love to be able to watch and see what they do.

 

I just came n from riding my little guy.

 

Gosh I've having such a difficult time with the anxiety yesterday and  today. I think it's because my husband has been working out of town on this bathroom remodeling job all week. He hasn't been getting home until at least 8pm and since I'm still unable to become absorbed in anything like reading or watching a movie or video I find myself coming back to bed and trying to just breathe my way through. It's been hot in the afternoons and while I've tried to continue to work outside  I find it's causing me to feel worse. It isn't even the height of summer yet! I don't know what I'm going to do. Anyway, the days this week have seemed to stretch into eternity. This morning, when he was getting ready to leave I just fell apart. So much so, that he decided to stay home. Now I feel terrible because we really need the money. I feel like I should be able to handle him being gone. I certainly can't let this become the norm. He only just went back to working a couple of weeks ago.  

 

Thursday is usually when I meet online with my therapist but she's away this week. That's also contributing to it I think.

 

Just praying for some relief! I don't want to go backwards.

[Pinkslippers]

Hi PollyJay, just been following some of your journey and I really empathise with how horrible, debilitating, exhausting, soul destroying and isolating severe anxiety is. I have also struggled with anxiety for many years, but mainly as a result withdrawal symptom from antidepressant SSRI, SNRI and recently Seroquel. 

 

I relate to your pattern of severe anxiety in the morning followed by a reprieve in the evening. Then feeling ok as I go to sleep and dreading waking up the next morning because I know the anxiety might kick me in the guts as soon as I open my eyes, even though I might have had a glorious calm and happy evening full of hope and energy.

 

This made me think: there's something more going on here with my biochemistry and endocrine system and how it interacts with brain neuro transmitters and subsequent effect on the para sympathetic nervous system. I'm not medically trained but I think that there's  something else that's triggering or causing this imbalance/malfunction of noradrenaline, norepinephrine, serotonin,histamine,dopamine and cortisol and their receptors. 

 

One thing I noticed is that: everytime I go of these meds, I start to get hypoglycemic episodes or low blood sugar attacks. I never used to recognise it as hypoglycemic "hypos", I thought I was just incredibly anxious and would go to bed, feeling disgusting, shaking crying feeling so so so so so sad and depressed for HOURS and end up calling PSyche triage hospital services. Then I would take extra Seroquel, Valium to alleviate it, go to sleep for a few hours to escape the horror, but usually awake shaking and crying til it gradually subsides. 

Like you I have no appetite during these phases so i don't eat, so I never thought that my low blood sugar was anything to do with the anxiety.  I stubbornly refused see the correlation.

 

Then a revelation happened.

Two days ago, I woke up at 8 feeling ok, went back to sleep and woke at 10 feeling terrible: shaking crying the usual crap. Then instead of taking extra 25mg Seroquel or Valium, I decided to go to the kitchen, grab a bag of Glucose powder "Glucodin" which was given to me by my elderly landlady who noticed I was always lethargic and low, and shoved 3 heaped teaspoons of it down my mouth. 

OMG!!!!!! 20 mins later I felt SO much better....like night to day. I stopped shaking and crying and everything become clear and light and normal. I followed that up with plain dry salada crackers, then 1 hour later with chicken and rice, then 1 hour later with toast with butter and so on all day, not allowing sugar levels to dip.

I never eat breakfast, I hate eating full stop, I don't like food and it's such an annoying and tiring chore to eat. So making myself go to eat glucose powder and crackers really early in the morning, is not easy for me. 

But even the fact that I avoided having to take more medication to alleviate anxiety made me rethink my whole perspective.

I went straight to my GP and told him, so he ordered Blood glucose tests which revealed that YES I've got high Blood sugar and that I'm  diabetic or on the way too. 

I did the fasting Glucose Tolerance test yesterday and waiting on results. 

So......basically what I'm trying to say is that, these psychotropic medications may have messed with my endocrine system, my insulin production, and glucose absorption. So that the levels of neurotransmitters like norepinephrine, which is central to the regulation of insulin in the pancreas have been altered by the drugs like Paxil, Effoxor and Seroquel.

So after all that spiel, just wondering if have you investigated this for yourself? Just a suggestion that you may want to try looking at your insulin and glucose levels. Maybe try experimenting with glucose powder or jelly beans first thing in the morning when you are in the height of anxious mode. 

Anyway...only a suggestion. 

My best wishes and prayers to you PollyJay.

Pinkslippers

 

[Pollyjay]

22 hours ago, Pinkslippers said:

Hi PollyJay, just been following some of your journey and I really empathise with how horrible, debilitating, exhausting, soul destroying and isolating severe anxiety is. I have also struggled with anxiety for many years, but mainly as a result withdrawal symptom from antidepressant SSRI, SNRI and recently Seroquel. 

 

I relate to your pattern of severe anxiety in the morning followed by a reprieve in the evening. Then feeling ok as I go to sleep and dreading waking up the next morning because I know the anxiety might kick me in the guts as soon as I open my eyes, even though I might have had a glorious calm and happy evening full of hope and energy.

 

This made me think: there's something more going on here with my biochemistry and endocrine system and how it interacts with brain neuro transmitters and subsequent effect on the para sympathetic nervous system. I'm not medically trained but I think that there's  something else that's triggering or causing this imbalance/malfunction of noradrenaline, norepinephrine, serotonin,histamine,dopamine and cortisol and their receptors. 

 

One thing I noticed is that: everytime I go of these meds, I start to get hypoglycemic episodes or low blood sugar attacks. I never used to recognise it as hypoglycemic "hypos", I thought I was just incredibly anxious and would go to bed, feeling disgusting, shaking crying feeling so so so so so sad and depressed for HOURS and end up calling PSyche triage hospital services. Then I would take extra Seroquel, Valium to alleviate it, go to sleep for a few hours to escape the horror, but usually awake shaking and crying til it gradually subsides. 

Like you I have no appetite during these phases so i don't eat, so I never thought that my low blood sugar was anything to do with the anxiety.  I stubbornly refused see the correlation.

 

Then a revelation happened.

Two days ago, I woke up at 8 feeling ok, went back to sleep and woke at 10 feeling terrible: shaking crying the usual crap. Then instead of taking extra 25mg Seroquel or Valium, I decided to go to the kitchen, grab a bag of Glucose powder "Glucodin" which was given to me by my elderly landlady who noticed I was always lethargic and low, and shoved 3 heaped teaspoons of it down my mouth. 

OMG!!!!!! 20 mins later I felt SO much better....like night to day. I stopped shaking and crying and everything become clear and light and normal. I followed that up with plain dry salada crackers, then 1 hour later with chicken and rice, then 1 hour later with toast with butter and so on all day, not allowing sugar levels to dip.

I never eat breakfast, I hate eating full stop, I don't like food and it's such an annoying and tiring chore to eat. So making myself go to eat glucose powder and crackers really early in the morning, is not easy for me. 

But even the fact that I avoided having to take more medication to alleviate anxiety made me rethink my whole perspective.

I went straight to my GP and told him, so he ordered Blood glucose tests which revealed that YES I've got high Blood sugar and that I'm  diabetic or on the way too. 

I did the fasting Glucose Tolerance test yesterday and waiting on results. 

So......basically what I'm trying to say is that, these psychotropic medications may have messed with my endocrine system, my insulin production, and glucose absorption. So that the levels of neurotransmitters like norepinephrine, which is central to the regulation of insulin in the pancreas have been altered by the drugs like Paxil, Effoxor and Seroquel.

So after all that spiel, just wondering if have you investigated this for yourself? Just a suggestion that you may want to try looking at your insulin and glucose levels. Maybe try experimenting with glucose powder or jelly beans first thing in the morning when you are in the height of anxious mode. 

Anyway...only a suggestion. 

My best wishes and prayers to you PollyJay.

Pinkslippers

 

Thank you so much, Pinkslippers.  I was pre-diabetic a few years ago but after changing to more of a KETO type diet everything went back to normal. I'm i in a bit of a fix right now. I had no appetite for three months and went down to 92 lbs. As soon as my appetite started to come back I began eating anything and everything to try to gain weight. So I've been eating bread and other high carb foods along with those BOOST protein drinks that have a lot of sugar. I've tried to cut back on the carbs but it's very hard to gain weight. I had managed to get up to 100lbs but now I'm back down to 97lbs. The neuropathy in my fingers is worrying me. I don't know if it's a blood sugar thing or if it has something to do with the meds. I read that both Propranolol and Seroquel can cause it. I just don't know. My last lab tests did show elevated glucose serum but everything else was normal, - other than high Vitamin  D. I'd been taking extra to ward off Covid. I had to back off the D3.

 

Today has been tough. My husband had to attend an event he'd volunteered for so I've been alone at home all day. It was pouring rain and cold. I've felt absolutely horrible. just despondent, wracked with grief over my Dad and pretty much bawled my eyes out all day. I just feel completely lost and empty. It wears you out. I wish I had a close friend but all my friends are either dead and gone or in other states or back home in England. I have a couple of neighbors who were supportive at first but quickly evaporated into the woodwork when I didn't recover within a few weeks.  People who have never suffered anxiety, depression  or panic have no conception of the agony we are going through. I'm so thankful for this site and the support of people who truly understand.

[Ariel]

Hi @Pollyjay

 

Thank you for sharing the link to the documentary "Charged". It's been a rough night and a perfect opportunity to welcome some distraction. 

I enjoyed watching the film. Incredible story. Found myself particularly moved by the central friendship depicted, as well as their connection with nature. 

 

It's interesting watching a recovery from the outside, especially one that is so visible in its obvious disability. Looking at other people it's tempting to think they're superhuman. It's so different being on the inside of things. I like that the film includes moments of fear and vulnerability, it's not easy to show. 

 

I am sorry you have been feeling lonely, lost, empty. My heart goes out to you in your grief. 

 

Please know that your kindness has helped me. You reached out and made a connection, for which I am so grateful. Thank you.

 

Wishing you a peaceful night <3

[Blossom71]

On 5/8/2022 at 12:33 AM, Pollyjay said:

I wish I had a close friend but all my friends are either dead and gone or in other states or back home in England. I have a couple of neighbors who were supportive at first but quickly evaporated into the woodwork when I didn't recover within a few weeks.  People who have never suffered anxiety, depression  or panic have no conception of the agony we are going through.

 

Oh @Pollyjay.  I wish I was nearer to you so I could come visit and we could chew the fat as how to how rubbish this all is!

I find I don't share my journey with friends in real life, so I know how isolating it can feel.

 

Sending love to you 😘

[Pollyjay]

On 5/9/2022 at 11:01 PM, Ariel said:

Hi @Pollyjay

 

Thank you for sharing the link to the documentary "Charged". It's been a rough night and a perfect opportunity to welcome some distraction. 

I enjoyed watching the film. Incredible story. Found myself particularly moved by the central friendship depicted, as well as their connection with nature. 

 

It's interesting watching a recovery from the outside, especially one that is so visible in its obvious disability. Looking at other people it's tempting to think they're superhuman. It's so different being on the inside of things. I like that the film includes moments of fear and vulnerability, it's not easy to show. 

 

I am sorry you have been feeling lonely, lost, empty. My heart goes out to you in your grief. 

 

Please know that your kindness has helped me. You reached out and made a connection, for which I am so grateful. Thank you.

 

Wishing you a peaceful night ❤️

 

Hi Ariel! Thank you so much for your kind words. It really does mean a lot. We have to support one another as most people, out there, living their normal lives, have no clue what's going on with us and don't know what to do to help. 

 

I'm glad you enjoyed the film. I think recovery from a physical injury, especially one so visible is so different from the type of recovery we're going through. People are more ready to relate and want to help when they can see an injury. But us. We look perfectly normal on the outside, while inside, the suffering is almost unbearable. If there was a way to be able to somehow plug people in, as you would an electrical cord, and say "here, feel what I'm feeling" it would make all the difference in the world!  But if they've never been through panic or acute, intense anxiety, they really can't relate to it at all.  I felt very sorry for the girl in the film though. She obviously loves him beyond measure and stuck with him day in and day out in his recovery but since he cheated on her so many times in the past she's still very hurt by it. 

 

I hope you had a better night, Ariel! 

(Hugs)

Pollyjay

 

 

[Pollyjay]

On 5/10/2022 at 10:18 AM, Blossom71 said:

 

Oh @Pollyjay.  I wish I was nearer to you so I could come visit and we could chew the fat as how to how rubbish this all is!

I find I don't share my journey with friends in real life, so I know how isolating it can feel.

 

Sending love to you 😘

 

Thank you Blossom!I wish we were nearer too.  Actually, I grew up just over the Pennines from you, in Lancashire. 

 

When I'm feeling particularly bad I tend to wallow! I should remind myself that I have a wonderful husband who is extremely supportive and my lovely Mother in Law who calls me twice a day. She's been an absolute rock. So I'm not completely alone. Life could be much worse. But it would be nice to have a close female friend. 

[Blossom71]

Oh wow @Pollyjay  It’s a shame you’re not still there!   We could meet on the tops somewhere and have a heated debate as to whether it rains more in Lancashire than Yorkshire 😂

 

I too wallow at times. It’s hard to see the good sometimes when things are tough.  I’m happy you have good people who support and care about you. I means a lot doesn’t it x

[Blossom71]

P.S. for those of you that don’t know, it most definitely rains more in Lancashire 😂😂😂

[Pollyjay]

37 minutes ago, Blossom71 said:

P.S. for those of you that don’t know, it most definitely rains more in Lancashire 😂😂😂

LOL, it probably does! 

 

I have a very long time friend in Gawthorpe. I wish you could meet her, she and her husband have beautiful gardens! Flowers and veg. I don't know how they do it, they're quite a bit older than me and have many health problems.

[mstimc]

2 hours ago, Pollyjay said:

When I'm feeling particularly bad I tend to wallow! I should remind myself that I have a wonderful husband who is extremely supportive and my lovely Mother in Law who calls me twice a day. She's been an absolute rock. So I'm not completely alone. Life could be much worse. But it would be nice to have a close female friend. 

Polly, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones is very powerful!  Making an effort to turn negative thinking into positive affirmations can soon become a habit, and you'll find the ruminations begin to decrease.  I used to wallow, too, as you said.  But then my therapist challenged me to see the positive in my WD and recovery.  I realized I had a job that provided me mental health benefits so I could see a therapist,  and I found one who understood WD, and who was close enough for me to see him right after work. There can be positive aspects to just about any situation.  

[Ninabird]

@PollyJ

My heart goes out to you. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am happy to listen. What we are all going through is unimaginable to most. Here we get to be surrounded by peers/friends who GET us and our pain. It is somehow comforting to be validated (at least for me it is) I am here on this site not just for information and support but to also give support and to be a positive cheerleader when I can. 

 

Big hugs,

Ninabird

[Pollyjay]

On 5/11/2022 at 2:16 PM, mstimc said:

Polly, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones is very powerful!  Making an effort to turn negative thinking into positive affirmations can soon become a habit, and you'll find the ruminations begin to decrease. 

Thanks mstimc. I'm really working on this! 

 

Well. I'm thrilled to report that I've had 4 very good days in a row!  The anxiety has been much more manageable. 

 

The weather has made a big difference though. It's been mild and sunny. Not too hot. I've been able to ride and work with the horses. The little pony is making really good progress .It's rained most of the day today and I can feel the anxiety creeping up. However there were a couple of sunny periods. I went out and planted two hanging baskets. That's about all I've accomplished today, other than regular farm chores. Oh, and I dusted the living room!

 

I'm praying that I continue to feel good tomorrow. Husband is taking me to a colt starting competition. Three competitors are each given an unbroke horse and have two days to gentle it and ride it for the first time. Our son took me to the competition last year as a belated Mother's day gift. He couldn't be here this year and to be honest I didn't think I would be able to handle going to the event. It's a two hour drive each way. But right now I'm looking forward to it. I really need to get out as much as possible.

 

 

[Ninabird]

🥰 congratulations on your good days! I pray for many more to come! 
 

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

[mstimc]

What a great and hope-filled post--thank you Polly!  

[Pollyjay]

1 hour ago, Ninabird said:

🥰 congratulations on your good days! I pray for many more to come! 
 

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Thank you so much, Ninabird! Prayers are what's got me through so far.

 

I was reading your introduction a couple of days ago. We both began this journey in a very similar fashion, with a series of cascading events, loss and grief. I'm sending you a virtual hug as I know how horrible it is! How our world can be turned upside down in a flash!

 

I did all I could not to go on any medications. I first just tried to tough it out and kept pushing and pushing but the panic and fear and relentless anxiety were brutal. And weight was dropping off me.  I tried a naturopath. Nothing she gave me helped. She gave me so many supplements to take, my husband had to make a spread sheet and print it out so that I could keep up with he times for each thing and check it off the list.  Like you, in dire straights I went to the doctor.  He wanted me to try multiple ADs and in desperation I tried a few of them for between two and four days at a time but the side effects were more than I could handle.I told him I wasn't going to take any more. 

 

I have ended up on a very low dose of Seroquel, Propranolol and Ativan. Not happy about it at all but as soon as I can I'll start tapering one at a time. I'm almost off the Lunesta thank goodness. -The 1 mg Lunesta caused me to have some short term amnesia. I couldn't remember the names of our dogs and other pets, or where we lived before we moved here. It was terrifying. - It's amazing how quickly we can get polly-drugged!

 

I'm so sorry for all that you've had to endure Ninabird. I'm praying for you too! We have to stick together and help each other as much as we can.

 

(((Huggs)))

 

Pollyjay

 

[Pollyjay]

I must say, I can understand why, when people recover they tend to disappear from the forum. Tuesday was my best day yet. I had no anxiety whatsoever. All my interest in life came back and I actually thought "I feel great! How could I have ever felt so bad or let myself get into such a mess" And all I wanted to do was move on and forget it all. Of course it didn't last but it made me greatly appreciate the mods and those members who after suffering greatly have selflessly devoted themselves  to stay with the forum and offer so much support and encouragement to the rest of us. 

 

Thank you all so very much!!!

[Ninabird]

AMEN!

 

So glad to hear of your window. 

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, Pollyjay said:

I must say, I can understand why, when people recover they tend to disappear from the forum. Tuesday was my best day yet. I had no anxiety whatsoever. All my interest in life came back and I actually thought "I feel great! How could I have ever felt so bad or let myself get into such a mess" And all I wanted to do was move on and forget it all. Of course it didn't last but it made me greatly appreciate the mods and those members who after suffering greatly have selflessly devoted themselves  to stay with the forum and offer so much support and encouragement to the rest of us. 

 

Thank you all so very much!!!

Yes, that's one of the reasons I returned after being away from PaxilProgress for many years. People need to hear success stories from those of us who've been through it and come out better than before.  The great news is anyone can recover.  Nothing about WD is permanent, no matter how long it seems it takes to recover. 

[Pollyjay]

Time for a quick update.

 

On Saturday we went to the colt starting competition. I had some underlying anxiety throughout the day but it wasn't too bad. Really enjoyed the day!! It was so good to be able to get out and do something "normal". The anxiety increased a bit, as it usually does around 4pm. and then calmed way down again, as it usually does around 8pm. 

 

Sunday we went back for the second day of the competition. Anxiety was almost none existent!! Had a wonderful day. Enjoyed every minute! A couple of weeks ago I didn't think I'd be able to go to this event. So I was overjoyed to be able to go and feel normal. 

 

Yesterday, oh boy, not so good. I felt so claustrophobic and closed in. All I wanted to do was get back in the truck and be on the road again. I find being on the move is a great help. We worked outside all day but the anxiety was worse and also the tremors were back. Felt shaky all day and had a long crying spell. Just felt terrible.  

 

Then last night I talked with our son on Skype and found him to be very down and depressed. I think this is what I'd been picking up on during the day. It's like I can feel when he isn't doing well. He hadn't slept well the night before, then the  ride he'd scheduled to get to work didn't show up ( he's unable to drive right now after having the seizure last month.) He's using some kind of mini bus service that transports disabled people to and from places. He's had lots of problems with them. So he had to call Lift to get a ride to work, which is much more expensive. While at work in a meeting he'd started to feel strange with lots of tingling at the back of his neck and down his arms. He had this before the seizure but we're not sure if it's part of his epilepsy or if he's having anxiety. I think it's anxiety. He's been through so much this last few months. So, naturally he's beginning to worry that he'll never be able to live a normal life. This is really adding in to my stress. I'm so afraid that he'll end up on antidepressants!  He's talking about finding a therapist. I think that would be good for him. He only has me and hubby to talk to. I just hope he can get some help that will keep him calm and off drugs. Right now he isn't taking anything. His neurologist at Johns Hopkins has him on a strict keto diet which has kept him seizure free for almost ten years. I'm praying so hard that he can stay off the meds. I'm trying to encourage him to avoid them at all costs but he's feeling so bad that he's thinking a med might give him some extra help!  Anyone reading this. please pray for him!!

 

Today, I woke up feeling calmer but the anxiety is beginning to creep up again and my hands are shaking and I'm finding it hard to breathe deeply. I'm going to try to keep busy helping my husband outside.  After such a wonderful weekend and those good days last week it's difficult to deal with stepping backwards. I know that most of this is coming from the worry about our son. I'm so afraid that he will have another seizure and not be able to hold on to his job. That's his worry too. I wish I was better at putting things in God's hands. I'm just beside myself right now.

 

So prayers for my little family would be very much appreciated. Thank you! 

[Believer]

Hi @Pollyjay,

 

So good to hear that you had a good weekend! I find that when I stretch myself too much, I too get increased symptoms for the next couple of days. It’s hard to know when I have gone too far.

 

I am sorry to hear about your son’s difficulties, I have two son’s and it is very difficult to see them struggling/hurting.

 

I hold you all in my prayers. Stay strong.

 

Hugs,

 

Believer

 

[FeralCatman]

Glad to hear you have  had some better days. I have as well so good for both of us despite the setbacks.

 

This is for you and your family.

 

 

 

[Pollyjay]

On 5/17/2022 at 11:29 AM, Believer said:

Hi @Pollyjay,

 

So good to hear that you had a good weekend! I find that when I stretch myself too much, I too get increased symptoms for the next couple of days. It’s hard to know when I have gone too far.

 

I am sorry to hear about your son’s difficulties, I have two son’s and it is very difficult to see them struggling/hurting.

 

I hold you all in my prayers. Stay strong.

 

Hugs,

 

Believer

 

 

Thank you so much for your prayers and understanding, Believer! I appreciate it very much!

[Pollyjay]

Well, today's Friday. It's been an up and down week. Yesterday we went to town to do some shopping. I was looking forward to getting out for a bit. Slept quite well and woke up feeling calm but once I got up I had a wave of extreme tiredness and weakness come over me. Had to lay back down for a while. We did go to town but the all over feeling of weakness stuck around along with anxiety and tremors and feeling frightened. Had an intense crying spell on the way home. All day I was praying "Please Lord bring me though".   I called my Mother in Law as soon as we got back. Just needed to hear her voice and have her pray for me.  I was able to go out and help hubby to feed the farm animals but it took all my energy.  Then at around 7:30 pm I felt all the anxiety and tremors subside and I was completely calm and normal as could be!! I watched some you tube videos and was even able to read a few pages of a book!  Even found myself laughing out loud at one of the videos. Haven't done that in months! Gosh it felt so darned GOOD !!    I don't understand this pattern. It doesn't correlate with the meds. I take 0.25 of Ativan at 2 pm, continue to feel anxious and scared but so often, at 7 or 8pm it's like someone flips a switch. It's such a blessed relief to be my old self again but I wish it would carry over to the next day. 

 

Today, I'm back to tremors, jitters and feeling like I'm going for a major job interview. I worked outside with my husband for a couple of hours but it's so hot. I felt so weak and shaky. Had to come back to bed and console myself with recovery stories. We're working on a garden project that I would normally be so enthused and excited about. It's great that I'm at least able to help with it but I wish I could truly "feel" it. 

 

I know I'm going to recover eventually but these long anxious and fear filled days get so old. 

 

Has anyone else experienced that switch to feeling better at a certain time every day?  Sometimes I'm unaware of the time but I feel everything suddenly de-escalating and I think "Oh, it must be seven thirty!"  It's not every day, but there's definitely a pattern. 

[mstimc]

Hi Pollyjay

 

Oh yes, had the same pattern and at almost the same time in the evenings.  I think its just our bodies winding down after a day spent in hypervigilance due to anxiety.  Our bodies know we need a break.  The fact you're going through these up and down patterns tells you its just your body's chemistry doing this on a cyclical basis and there really isn't a  cause.  That should be reassuring because you know you don't have to respond with even more worry and anxiety about trying to overcome the feelings. Since they come and go, you are healing.  Give yourself time and space--the peaceful moments will get longer and longer.

[Ninabird]

@Pollyjay

 

I am sorry to hear you are having a rough day. They are especially tough after a good day! 

Evenings are always easier for me as well. You WILL heal. You are participating in life. That is a sign of a fighter, if you ask me.

 

 

 

 

[Pollyjay]

1 hour ago, Ninabird said:

@Pollyjay

 

I am sorry to hear you are having a rough day. They are especially tough after a good day! 

Evenings are always easier for me as well. You WILL heal. You are participating in life. That is a sign of a fighter, if you ask me.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you Ninabird. I was feeling rather lonely so it's  nice to have someone stop in and leave a few words of encouragement. 

Hugs to you, dear friend!

[Ninabird]

I feel lonely sometimes too. Especially going through this. I’m a divorced empty nester. I have a 6 year old Rottweiler rescue.

I’m glad you have your husband and your farm animals. what kind of farm do you have? 
I was born and raised in Ne. I love farm life. I miss it. 
im here anytime you want to talk. Big hugs. 

[Pollyjay]

1 hour ago, mstimc said:

Hi Pollyjay

 

Oh yes, had the same pattern and at almost the same time in the evenings.  I think its just our bodies winding down after a day spent in hypervigilance due to anxiety.  Our bodies know we need a break.  The fact you're going through these up and down patterns tells you its just your body's chemistry doing this on a cyclical basis and there really isn't a  cause.  That should be reassuring because you know you don't have to respond with even more worry and anxiety about trying to overcome the feelings. Since they come and go, you are healing.  Give yourself time and space--the peaceful moments will get longer and longer.

 

Oh, that's interesting that you had something similar happen.  I was trying to figure out if it was one of my morning meds wearing off or what else it could be. It sure is a welcome relief though. Did you find that it eventually carried over to the next day as you healed or did it continue to be very specific. Or did it start earlier and last longer.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some hope. As we all are.

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Pollyjay said:

Did you find that it eventually carried over to the next day as you healed or did it continue to be very specific. Or did it start earlier and last longer.

Hi

I found it slowly started earlier and lasted longer, to the point I really didn't think about it too much.  When I was able to stop wondering when it would come back, I found it didn't come back at all! Anxiety loves attention.

[Pollyjay]

1 minute ago, Ninabird said:

I feel lonely sometimes too. Especially going through this. I’m a divorced empty nester. I have a 6 year old Rottweiler rescue.

I’m glad you have your husband and your farm animals. what kind of farm do you have? 
I was born and raised in Ne. I love farm life. I miss it. 
im here anytime you want to talk. Big hugs. 

 

Oh, thank you Ninabird.  I feel for you!!!  My heart goes out to anyone who is going through this alone. It was when our only son left home to take his first job in another state that flipped my world upside down. I would never have thought it would send me into such a downward spiral of anxiety and panic attacks. Then everything else that happened. I look back at last September and I was perfectly functional. Had a bunch of plans to look forward to. It's mind boggling.

 

What's your dog's name? We used to have a half Rottweiler/black lab. She was a lovely dog. Right now we have two ten year old border collies and a little four year old mixed breed dog. He was a tiny pup we found abandoned on a mountain road late one night. 

 

Yes, I'm very fortunate to have a good husband and the farm animals. I'm still finding that my adrenaline goes up when doing some of the farm chores. Seeing things that need doing but only being able to do the bare minimum. But I am at least out of bed and able to help a lot more. There was a time a few months ago when if my husband asked me to even feed the cat my heart would start racing and I'd be an a complete mess. 

 

We have a mixed farm consisting of a small flock of sheep ( I shear them and spin the wool and knit hats ,socks, sweaters etc.) Nigerian dwarf dairy goats for milk ( though I had to sell my pregnant goats as I was too sick to deal with the birthing of babies and milking.   I kept 3 females and our two males. I'm praying that next year I'll be back to normal taking care of  babies and milking my goats again. 

 

I also have two donkeys, an older horse who's in her twenties now and a young horse that I'd planned to begin training this spring,  ugh! He's rather skittish and needs so much work! It's another stressor. At 64 I don't know how long I'll be able to do these things. I'm in very good shape other than this mental mess but not at all up to starting a colt yet. It bothers me seeing time go by and very little getting accomplished with him. He's my dream palomino quarter horse. I've been working with him in little spurts on my good days. Putting his halter on and off, leading him around. One day I was able to give him a good grooming and got all the knots out of his mane.  But I should be doing lots of consistent ground work with him.  Late at night, when I'm having one one of those windows I just want to run out there and get on with it!

 

Also have the little pony whose been so helpful and therapeutic in getting me back outside. I've been training him and riding him a little ( since I'm still only 97lbs) and that's been a great help in focus and distraction. He's also older and very docile. I don't have to worry about him going full bronco on me

 

We also have about 30 chickens for eggs. -We try to raise as much of our own food as possible.  A pig - she's just a pet, and a bunch of racing pigeons. I love pigeons. I enjoy training them to fly distances but there's no racing club anywhere near here. 

 

So the "to do" list right now is: continue work with the pony. shear more sheep ( I've done two so far, six more to go) continue training the pigeons. Trim goat hooves ( I got one goat done this morning!!! Yay!)  Build a bigger shed (loft) for the pigeons. (That was also planned for this spring but now is on hold) and work as much as I can with the young horse.  

 

The reality is: Get up and help feed all the animals, help hubby as much as I can with the garden, ( he took a couple of days off)  come inside and eat as many calories as possible, try to  breathe slowly. Pray constantly for a lowering of the anxiety and help getting through the day. Pray that I'll be able to read books and knit and carve wooden spoons again. Lay for hours on the bed reading success stories, have my husband tell me for the hundredth time "you're going to get better"  Try to eat more calories!!!  

 

But things are slowly getting accomplished. 

 

 

 

 

 

[FeralCatman]

On mediocre and bad days I go through similar rhythmic cycles. However as time goes by the timing does seem to change. After a few good days when the symptoms creep back in the timing seems a little different every time. Given everything our bodies are going through it really isn't all that surprising. I chalk it up to healing. The tiredness you speak of I get as well. Went through it this morning and am just getting going.

 

For my own battle with this I think of it like this.

 

I was heavily sedated by the seroquel for over 15 years. It altered pretty much every system and every cell in my body as do all of these drugs. All of my functionality is skewed from having to function through a Seroquel lens for so long. In order to keep me going while on the drug my body had to step everything up into high gear to keep me going under that kind of sedative load. Now my body and brain are being completely reset to accommodate for not having the drug in my system any more so every system and every cell in my body is sucking up energy trying to make the needed alterations to get back to homeostatic functioning. My body is also now over reacting to things that are just normal body functions because it hasn't yet learned that it doesn't take a huge adrenaline/cortisol/histamine dump in the morning to wake me up and I don't need as much cortisol and other chemicals during the day to keep me going like I needed when on the drug. Hence the anxiety which seems to be turned on by seemingly normal events. My body also got used to running on high blood sugar levels that are now gone and I still have some insulin resistance so my cells are a bit energy starved and need to adjust. All of this takes a huge amount of energy. So, when I need to rest I rest and when I feel up to it I get busy. If I get tired again I stop and rest. If focusing on a task causes anxiety then I put it down and go do something else. Too much stress or activity triggers the anxiety which I suspect is my body overcompensating for the lack of glucose energy with cortisol and adrenaline. This has also probably led to a bit of adrenal fatigue. So for now I am running on super slow speed and am learning to be content with that for now. My body will tell me when I am ready for more.

 

I have the luxury of being able to just kick back but many people do not. Many people on this site are also managing work / school / family, etc. I really don't know how people do it all and get through this at the same time. I am finding the key is to just go easy on yourself and keep expectations low until your body gives you the signals that it is okay to speed up a bit. Be kind to yourself. Occasionally test the limits and see if they have changed. If not then just hang tight for a bit and try again. You are healing and at some point this will all be just a bad memory. 😉😺😺😺😺

[Ninabird]

18 hours ago, Pollyjay said:

What's your dog's name?

Her name is Bella.

[Ninabird]

18 hours ago, Pollyjay said:

have my husband tell me for the hundredth time "you're going to get better

You are so fortunate to have that constant reminder! I have friends that tell me the same thing. Some days I ask them to remind me. 

[Ninabird]

@Pollyjay

 

Hi there! How are you doing today? I smiled the entire time that I read your post to me. All of those fur babies and gardening....my dream life. You will get to the new and improved you soon.

 

I am a Realtor in Northern Ca. I have the luxury of working from home so when symptoms are icky, I can stay inside and ride them out.

 

I too am going through WD. It seems like I have been doing this forever. I think I am going on a year now but it got even worse when my Dr. direct switched me from Effexor to Cymbalta. That is when things got pretty hairy. I am thankful that I have decent moments spread out through the day. They may be 30 minutes here, two hours there...I'll take any amount that I am given. 

 

To get ready to taper off of my Lexapro I switched to the liquid form. My body did not like it so now I am going back to pill form. That is creating an uptick of symptoms. I get ear ringing, heightened anxiety, I just had my first anxiety rush in over a month ( I didn't miss those at all) hot flashes ( not menopausal) head feels heavy and achy, I get this weird tingling in my head (feels like goose bumps), I feel like crying often but fight it, sensitivity to heat, can't nap because I get these cortisol surges when I just start to doze off, eyes are bloodshot and tired. I know there are more but you get the gist of it. I pray constantly for God to show mercy and deliver me from this misery. 

 

I still need to resume my lexapro taper as soon as I get back on the pill form and stabilize (hopefully in a month) Then I will take a 2 month break and tackle my Klonopin taper. I am thankful that I am on a low dose but regardless it will be a tough one too. Then I will only be on Cymbalta. I will cross that bridge when I get there. Some days I wonder, "how in the world am I going to get through this?" It is an incredibly and scary thing to go through. I am very thankful for this site and the Mods and peers who despite their own suffering, offer kind words, support and love. 

 

Today I ran a few errands. Now going to catch up on some emails and relax if I can with a book. 

 

Sending you big hugs and prayers for peace,

Ninaird

[Patient2022]

On 5/20/2022 at 9:38 PM, Pollyjay said:

 

Has anyone else experienced that switch to feeling better at a certain time every day?  Sometimes I'm unaware of the time but I feel everything suddenly de-escalating and I think "Oh, it must be seven thirty!"  It's not every day, but there's definitely a pattern. 

Hey @Pollyjay, thanks for sharing  I’m going through similar low energy and very tired moments. But mine seem for entire few days. I feel like I can’t function and need to be away from life (responsibility etc). I’ve only felt it to this extent 5 months after starting my taper. I’m curious how far are you in your taper? 

13 hours ago, FeralCatman said:

.

 

I was heavily sedated by the seroquel for over 15 years. It altered pretty much every system and every cell in my body as do all of these drugs. All of my functionality is skewed from having to function through a Seroquel lens for so long. In order to keep me going while on the drug my body had to step everything up into high gear to keep me going under that kind of sedative load. Now my body and brain are being completely reset to accommodate for not having the drug in my system any more so every system and every cell in my body is sucking up energy trying to make the needed alterations to get back to homeostatic functioning. My body is also now over reacting to things that are just normal body functions because it hasn't yet learned that it doesn't take a huge adrenaline/cortisol/histamine dump in the morning to wake me up and I don't need as much cortisol and other chemicals during the day to keep me going like I needed when on the drug. Hence the anxiety which seems to be turned on by seemingly normal events. My body also got used to running on high blood sugar levels that are now gone and I still have some insulin resistance so my cells are a bit energy starved and need to adjust. All of this takes a huge amount of energy. So, when I need to rest I rest and when I feel up to it I get busy. If I get tired again I stop and rest. If focusing on a task causes anxiety then I put it down and go do something else. Too much stress or activity triggers the anxiety which I suspect is my body overcompensating for the lack of glucose energy with cortisol and adrenaline. This has also probably led to a bit of adrenal fatigue. So for now I am running on super slow speed and am learning to be content with that for now. My body will tell me when I am ready for more.

 

 

@FeralCatmanthank you much for this reminder, it’s so needed throughout our journey. I wish I could fully listen to my body as you’ve said, but life sometimes doesn’t allow it. But I do my best. Currently on very weak, low energy downer. 
 

Again thanks for sharing those words, reminds me to be kind to myself