BronPE7: Recovering from 10mg Citalopram - Anhedonia and cognitive issues

[BronPE7]

Hello everyone! 

 

After having read countless threads on here in search of hope, I've decided to start my own topic and update it as time goes on (now 16 months into WD). 

 

My story: 

 

My first time on SSRI's (10 months, 10 mg citalopram)

 

I am a 23 old male, and have had some waves of OCD and (health) anxiety during my early teens. Those episodes usually lasted for a short period of time, so I was always able to shake it off and pop out of it. Unfortunately, in 2018 I wasn't. I was in the middle of the preparation for my high school finals, while also putting serious time and effort into building a business on the side (I have always been super ambitious and motivated). Adding to that, I was experiencing a lot of pressure to score well on those exams, since I wanted to get into a prestigious business school. This is when I got hit with a pretty bad episode of health anxiety, because of an article that I've read online. I got overwhelmed by crippling anxiety, was barely able to function anymore and as time went on I fell into a deep hole of depression. I don't know how, but I was able to pull through those exams and score really well on them. I then decided to take a gap year, and since my mental state wasn't getting any better, I went to the GP and she prescribed me 10mg Citalopram which I then took for about 10 months. I was super depressed, seing my friends attend university while I was stuck at home barely even functioning and having lost all my drive and ambition.

 

Withdrawal and recovery success

 

The meds really helped me to get out the downward spiral, and as the months went on, I wasn't spending days in bed anymore, but slowly regained the motivation to pick up working on my business again. Around March 2018 I decided that I didn't want to be on the meds anymore, and I did a very quick taper (2-4 weeks) of splitting the pill into two, and then only taking it every 2 days. While on the meds, the main symptoms were anhedonia, brain fog, and some cognitive issues. Those symptoms went away pretty quickly after withdrawing, so after like 4 months, I was feeling perfectly fine again. 

 

Burnout, and relapse (reinstatement of 10 mg Citalopram for 10 months)

2 months after having started attending my dream university, I was working myself to burnout: I got super ambitious as having overcome the depression made me value life more and therefore made me push harder in all areas of life. I was putting in 100+ hours a week, waking up at 4 AM, working on my business before classes, while staying on top of all my courses. Little time was spent on socializing with my classmates, as I preferred working over "wasting" time partying. Then one day, I suddenly got hit with a relapse of that same (health) anxiety that I had overcome previously. It was super irrational to get anxiety over it again, but I think my mind was just burned out from all the work, feeling alone + I was living in a foreign country by myself. I also never felt super fulfilled attending university, as my actual plan was to just being an entrepreneur right out of high school (I mainly did it to please my mother). All of that combined led to a full-blown relapse of OCD, anxiety, and depression. I went from being a high-performer to barely functioning and struggling to attend classes due to crippling anxiety in November 2019. Out of desperation, I visited a GP who prescribed me benzos which I only took for like a week. As I kept coming back without progress, she prescribed me 10mg Citalopram and I was super hesitant to take them again. I even visited a psychotherapist to do some CBT, but eventually decided hoping back on the meds in January 2020. 

 

Life on meds sucked, began tapering

 

As soon as I took that first pill, my anxiety just vanished out of nowhere (it was super weird), like as if my body was craving that drug again. I felt super anhedonic, and basically had no emotions anymore. My memory was greatly affected, and I was having trouble staying on top of my courses. As the months went on, my body adapted to the drugs so it got slightly better. Due to covid, I was able to follow my courses from my home country around March 2020, so I was glad to be around my friends and my support system again. Living without anxiety and depression was a blessing, however, after like 5 months on the meds I was sick of my drugged state. I wasn't in contact with my therapist, nor that GP who prescribed me the meds (since I had moved back), and I was struggling to keep good grades because I had 0 motivation to do anything, I had lost all sense of urgency, and my memory was terrible. Around 8 months after starting to take citalopram again, I had sold my previous business (I was no longer putting time into it) and discovered another business which sparked my interest for entrepreneurship again. I decided shortly afterwards, that it was time to finally quit the meds, so I did a 2 month taper by cutting the pills again and skipping days. The tapering process went pretty smoothly, I didn't experience any major symptoms.

 

Withdrawal (since November 2020)

 

I took my last pill at the beginning of November 2020, and life actually got better shortly after. My memory slightly improved over the following months, and I wasn't feeling as much as a robot anymore. I began to notice that I could focus better on my university courses, so that was a relief. However, I still do not feel like my pre-drugged state, or even after my first withdrawal where I felt completely fine after like 3-4 months. My memory has improved, but it is not as great as it once was, my focus on things has improved, but I do not feel as sharp as I once was. Again, there is a slight improvement when I compare it to right after when I started going into withdrawal. I am now 16 months into WD, and the most nagging symptom I am experiencing is anhedonia. I think it really started overwhelming me since August 2021, where it became apparent to me that I wasn't able to feel the whole range of human emotions. I think (hope) I am in the middle of an anhedonic wave, and that it will lift soon. I am able to laugh with my friends etc. but I am not able to cry, my feelings of excitement are still very damped, and another thing which is super annoying is that I am unable to feel love. I want to start dating women again, but not being able to feel love is really becoming an issue (my crush has been giving me signals at the gym but I don't feel like I'm ready to approach here in this state). My libido is pretty good I'd say, I had some issues while on the drugs, but it's now nearly back to normal I'd say. 

 

My current state

 

As I had healed pretty fast on that first withdrawal, I wasn't quite sure what was happening with me this time. One year had passed, and I was still feeling like I have that drug in my system. That is when I started googling about discontinuation symptom and found this forum. I also only took the smallest dose of citalopram, and for a relatively short time (around 10 months twice), so I really hope that I start to feel like my old self soon. I sometimes feel quite desperate and depressed about my current state, and fear that this might be permanent. Don't get me wrong, I can function really well, my new business is doing as good as ever, I am able to follow my courses (and hopefully finish this summer), plus I have started having a more balanced work-life approach to avoid future burnouts. However, life just isn't as interesting if you cannot experience the whole range of human emotions. So anhedonia is the biggest thing I am struggling with atm (alongside some brainfog, feeling of having an empty brain sometimes, and some feelings of DP). I workout 5 times a week, try to eat pretty healthy, avoid alcohol, avoid porn and masturbation (nofap has been quite beneficial to me actually). I do drink caffeine which isn't probably helping with the WD, but it helps me to somewhat counter the brain fog. 

 

I am really sorry about this huge wall of text, but I needed to let everything out. I highly appreciate every one of you that reads this and leaves comments. I will update you guys, as my withdrawal story continues and I really hope that I can soon post my success. 

 

Cheers. 

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  You have come to the right place.  

 

Can you please give us specific information in your signature about your drug history for all drugs you are on and have been on, especially for the past 18-24 months?  It would be especially helpful to have the details of your drugs in a concise vertical list (no symptoms), only drug names, specific dates (as best you can say for example early March if you don't recall the day) and dosages of each medication decrease or increase.  Use this format:

 

Drug name: date, dose, date, dose, date, dose…

Drug name: date, dose, date, dose, date, dose…

Etcetera

 

Please read the link below for instructions.  This will allow us to give you the best guidance.  

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

Here is some information about how these drugs actually work.   This explains why we get symptoms from going off of these medications.  Anhedonia is one symptom of psych med withdrawal.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Here is a link with checklists of common WD symptoms: 

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklists

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

 

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

If you watched the first 3 videos in this post, you will see why it often takes months to years for the brain to fully adjust to being completely off of psych meds.  Here is another link that is long and technical, but it gives you some idea of just how complex the brain and healing process is.  

 

What's Happening in Your Brain

 

This link talks about anhedonia.  

 

Anhedonia, Emotional Numbness

 

It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things to take care of yourself.  I believe you are very wise to have a more balanced work/life approach.  This will probably do a lot to help you lessen the anxiety and depression.  There are many other ways to overcome and cope with anxiety and depression besides drugs.  A big one for me is developing my spiritual life.  

 

You said at times you worry that this is permanent.  Please try to remember, the nervous system is extremely complex, and is intertwined with every system in our body.  Remember from the video above that healing is like finding the solution to a Rubik's cube - it's very circuitous and complex, so it takes a very very long time for the brain and nervous system to fully heal. I believe that you will probably gradually continue to improve over time.  Just don't take any more doses of Citalopram, as this can confuse your system, and put you at risk of having a setback.  That will not help you.  It's great that you avoid alcohol - also avoid any other mind altering substances.  

 

Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing.  Good luck! 

 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2022 by getofflex

[getofflex]

Also, the more times we go on and off psych drugs, the longer it takes for the brain to recover from withdrawal, and the more it tends to sensitize your nervous system.  Keep this in mind for when a doctor wants to put you on drugs like this in the future.  

Edited March 5, 2022 by getofflex

[BronPE7]

Thank you for your reply! 

 

I have just ordered some magnesium and fish oil supplements to give it a try. 

 

The video illustrates the recovery process very well, really liked the rubics cube analogy! 

 

I have decided for myself that I won't be getting on any AD's anymore (well, you can never say that with certainty unfortunately), just because I can't stand living in this drugged-state again. I reinstated mainly because I was at risk of failing my first year of uni, I think it was my mind telling me that I was not fulfilled studying that degree that I had started just to conform to social norms and pressures (my mom). Now looking back, I'm glad that I pushed through however, since I will be done in June of this year anyways. 

Will keep you guys updated on the recovery process! 

[getofflex]

10 hours ago, BronPE7 said:

I have just ordered some magnesium and fish oil supplements to give it a try. 

Sounds great!  Let us know how they work for you.  

 

I love the Rubik's cube analogy myself, as a visual person, it really helps.  

 

10 hours ago, BronPE7 said:

I have decided for myself that I won't be getting on any AD's anymore (well, you can never say that with certainty unfortunately), just because I can't stand living in this drugged-state again.

Ditto! 

 

Congratulations on almost being finished getting your university degree.  We look forward to hearing how you are doing.