StayHopeful

[Heath]

Sending prayers and good vibes you way SH 💪

[StayHopeful]

 

Thank you very much @Heath, I appreciate it.

 

I've been realizing more, introspecting, and trying to understand myself better. I'm not ruminating per se, just thinking about stuff every now and then. I was in a really low mood last night, one of my mini waves that last for only a couple hours. They are more intense, everything seems much worse than it is, and I don't feel the same after. Since they pass quickly and I don't have them often anymore, I usually don't post while I'm in them. Now I know why, going back and reading it, I can see how random and rambling it was. It's a good example for me to actually see how/what my thoughts are during one of those. 

 

The only time I really worry about how withdrawal will affect me in the future, is in those mini waves. Afterwards, I may mention it but I won't dwell on it. I have been feeling some anhedonia off and on since being in acute withdrawal and consider those times to be mini waves as well. 

 

I think my "Withdrawal normal" is feeling "Just Ok". It's how I'm feeling right now, I'm not in a good or bad mood but here. Stressors will come and go, I'll have moments that I'll feel good, then I level out and go back to "Just Ok". Maybe this really is normal, not just for me, but for everyone. I asked my husband not too long ago, how he feels. Not about a particular thing or situation, just how he feels in general. Most of the time, he's "Just Ok" too, and despite his own hardships, he hasn't had depression or struggled with emotional issues. I realize that's a very limited study though 😊. After seeing a psychiatrist for decades and being in withdrawal, it's like I can't trust how I feel, to actually be normal, and not something I need a pill for.

 

I'll be glad when I get to a point of not focusing on feelings so much.

 

[Heath]

19 minutes ago, StayHopeful said:

I'll be glad when I get to a point of not focusing on feelings so much.

Me too!

[StayHopeful]

Update - Large wave...

 

Mental:

Forgetfulness/Brain fog

Intrusive thoughts

Catastrophic thinking

Anxiety - simple thoughts produce surges

Fear

Crying

Sadness

Agitation

Irritated

 

Physical:

Heartburn

Lung pain - intermittent, felt like I couldn't take a deep breath

Irritated eyes

 

Itching, burning skin, muscle spasms, jerks and tooth pain have subsided at the moment.

 

I haven't been on here much over the last couple weeks. I've been dealing with a lot of life things and a lot of stressors have happened. There for a while I was handling stress really well, but a longer wave has hit, which throws that out. I'm a total wreck and everything is a catastrophe that isn't ever going to work out - doom and gloom.  

 

My moods are swinging really bad. I feel like such a burden to my family. I haven't felt this low in a while and I really hate it. I'm fighting every horrible thought and feeling the best I can, trying every distraction technique, going for walks, etc. but it won't lift.😖😩

 

 

[StayHopeful]

 

Still having a really hard time, but trying to get off the mental merry-go-round in my head...

 

I've had so many unfortunate things happen over this last year, and it just seems to get worse. Every individual thing, large or small, is like a really heavy weight. It's one issue after another, with no reprieve in sight. There are so many things that I have to take care of, and I just want a break!😢

 

I started having ruminating thoughts and adrenaline surges, occasionally during the day and in the morning again. I've been withdrawing from everything, with the overwhelming need to curl up in a ball and just cry. I don't want to talk, don't want to journal, don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I try so hard to keep hope and fight it so much, now I'm exhausted and it's making things worse. 

 

The rational side keeps saying - this is a part of learning to deal with stressors without medication that numbed me out - but it's no consolation going through it. No consolation at all...

 

 

 

 

 

[sama]

Have you done trauma therapy,I am in withdrawl and all my ruminations is about haven’t done it and I don’t think it’s a good time to start doing so or what do you think?

[StayHopeful]

@sama

Thank you for your response.

I don't have a therapist and I've never done trauma therapy. I had an awesome therapist many years ago, who retired just before the pandemic. I've thought about trying to find a new one, but where I live, finding a good therapist is very difficult. With what I'm going through and feeling, it's like I didn't accomplish anything during the therapy I once had. 

[sama]

Thank you for answering.I haven’t been consistent with therapy either.but I don’t trust myself that I’ll do it as I try to find resources to do so by myself but I don’t think this is possible all alone you have to trust someone which I can’t do.hope you feel much better soon.

 

[StayHopeful]

 

@sama

 

Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts and well wishes.

I do look online at therapeutic advice videos, there are several good ones there. Those do give me a different perspective to think about and ideas to move forward. Right now, it's just very hard to concentrate and take in the information. I'm starting to think that I need an impartial person to open up to, but it's going to be tough finding someone that I can trust again. 

 

I hope your continued taper goes well and that you get better soon also🙏

[StayHopeful]

Update:

 

Mental:

Anxiety - situational

Conceptual confusion

Indecisiveness

Irritation

 

Physical:

Irritated, itching, scaly skin, just inside ear canal - left ear worse than right... weird, but seeing my GP about it soon..

 

I've had some intermittent good days lately and I think a window is finally opening. I sure hope I'm correct on that, because this last wave has been very trying. 

 

For the last month or so, when stress hits, I try to solve all the issues all at once, which spirals me into catastrophic thinking - "If I don't get this done, then this will happen, but wait - this has to be done right now too or that's gonna happen..." and on it goes. In my professions, I've juggled a lot of different situations, circumstances and deadlines. It wasn't a big deal, I prioritized and solved problems systematically. Withdrawal completely changed that, and I've been struggling ever since. I get everything that I need to, done, but sometimes it's messier than others.

 

I'm determined to get past this though. I just hate how the medications have altered my thinking so much that I lose perspective under stress. Writing it out helps, but I ruminate still even after it's on paper and prioritized. 

 

I do feel good when I accomplish the tasks that are presented and I'm glad that I've healed enough to be able to feel that. I take stock in what others have chronicled on this site, that even the worst moments of withdrawal are signs that healing is taking place - that gives me so much hope and something to cling to.

 

[StayHopeful]

 

So, I started feeling a scratchy throat Monday as the day went on but didn't think anything much about it. Then, I got up many times during the night to use the bathroom, which I hadn't done in a while. When I woke up Tuesday, I had the flu. 🤧 🤒

 

I haven't been this sick in years!

Fever, nasal congestion, horrible sore throat, cough/chest congestion, headache, body aches, no appetite, fatigue, and a raspy voice. I've been healthy and hadn't been sick at all for many years before I got Covid in March, and I literally forgot how hard the flu is on me. Even Covid wasn't as bad as this flu has been. 

 

I was able to limp through with Motrin, Tylenol, nasal spray, cough drops, lots of fluids, chicken soup and a lot of rest (more like floating in and out of consciousness actually). Now, I'm at the tail end of it, only a raspy voice, slight nasal congestion and infrequent cough remain. Thank Goodness my husband didn't get it. 

 

I did come out of my wave Monday and even though I've been sick, mentally I've felt optimistic and ok. I did wake up this morning, with rumination and a crying spell. However, it only lasted for about 10 minutes or so, then the mood lifted, and I've been feeling pretty good since. I can deal with that.

 

After this last wave, I really hope this window stays open for a while... 🙏

 

 

[Heath]

Stayhopeful, How are you ? 

 

[StayHopeful]

Thank you so much for asking @Heath  😊

 

I'm doing ok, hanging in here. I've been around and added some comments to a couple threads but haven't had the time needed to do a proper update. I know it's been a while.

So, maybe this will suffice...

 

Why does it always seem, like when you start a project on your home, it starts to fall apart? What's up with that? We started some improvement projects and then within a couple months, things started to fall apart.

1. Pipes went bust -

    - found out that they are a type that was banned after we bought our home and aren't covered by insurance.

2. Exterior was damaged recently by very bad storms -

    - Insurance? - has been difficult, and we understand that we aren't the only people affected.

    - Repair contractors? - constantly have to call them for status, trying to meet repair deadlines, and no one calls back. 

    - Warranty paperwork on completed items? - yeah.... wait, wait, and still don't have it.

 

Stress is one thing, but this is ridiculous! Of course it all has to happen while I'm in withdrawal...🙄

So, I'm hoping things will calm down soon. But hey, at least my ear problems cleared up 👍😀

 

I haven't had a wave per se, but I've been having some emotional ups and downs.

Some mornings I wake up ruminating and cry about the situation I'm in and how things are going to get fixed.

Anxiety is still a huge foe, but I do my best to fight it and move forward. 

The adrenaline surges in the mornings aren't as bad right now, and I'm hoping they stay that way. 🙏

 

Also, I've decided that maybe therapy would help me. I don't know about anyone else, but not being on medication has pointed out all the things that I thought I'd dealt with from the past but haven't. I have a lot of regrets concerning the way I've handled some things when I was medicated - poor decisions, putting up with horrible behavior, and not standing up for myself - funny, I could always stand up for others.

 

I've made some appts and I'm going to "interview" a few therapists to see if I can find a good fit. The good things - I know that I'm not in a relapse of any kind, who I was medicated is not the core of who I am, and I won't be conned into taking psych medication ever again. So, I need to find a good therapist who will understand my needs as a patient and not try to fit me into an "Another patient who went off their meds because they think they don't need them..." scenario.

 

Anyway, that's it for now. 😊

 

 

[Heath]

SH 

I feel for you for sure ! That’s a lot all at once. Make time for yourself. 
Check out the calm app if you haven’t already. It has really helped me in stress.  Guided meditation and breathing and forgiveness etc.

 

sounds good moving forward! The inner nervousness/anxiety in the background. One foot in front of the other. 
 

we have all acted differently on these meds. I have for sure! I am not a professional but try not to put a lot of focus on the past. I am finding out that I would feel major guilt about some things that nobody even remembers. And it is also part of wd , it magnifies our past failures and mistakes. God has forgave me for sure ! I hope you find a therapist that you click with! 

[StayHopeful]

Thanks @Heath

 

Your outlook is really great, and you have tremendous strength!! 

 

On 9/29/2023 at 2:01 PM, Heath said:

I am finding out that I would feel major guilt about some things that nobody even remembers. And it is also part of wd , it magnifies our past failures and mistakes.

Yes, it does... one of the symptoms I particularly disdain. 

My "Yogi" mind, says "Without mistakes, you wouldn't have learned and how can you regret gaining knowledge?" I just wish those mistakes only affected me.😔

I know that people who've never been on medication have those same regrets, I don't feel special, just wish I wasn't part of the club...

 

So, I'm hoping that therapy will help me come to terms with all of it, without the medicated haze; and eventually mentally and spiritually, I'll be ok and find peace.🙏 

 

Thank you for the recommendation. I've seen others recommend it but because I download a lot of meditations and sleep music off YouTube, I haven't given it much thought. I'll check it out and see if it's beneficial for me.😊

 

 

[Heath]

Stay Hopeful 

Did you ever try that Coricidin HBP decongestant? 
 

[StayHopeful]

Hey Heath,

 

Actually, I was able to make it through my illnesses without an oral decongestant. I lucked out, because I was afraid to take anything that might be systemic. I used a generic for Afrin nasal spray, but nothing for my chest. I was hesitant to get some Coricidin because I don't have high blood pressure, so I was going to check with my GP at my upcoming appt. just to have something I might be able to take for this flu season.

 

Have you tried it?

[Heath]

No I haven’t tried it . I am looking for some relief though

[StayHopeful]

@Heath

I remember when the one in Nyquil threw you for a loop, during your Covid bout. Trying to find one that works to give some relief after having ill effects is stressful. I would think that the Coricidin would be worth a try if your willing, but I wouldn't do a full dose. When I try a new medication of any kind, I only take a half dose for the first round. Medication and I have never gotten along well, so I'm super cautious, my Drs always allowed me that.

 

Plus, when you took the Nyquil, it had other medications mixed with the decongestant. When you chronicled your experience, I put the meds in Nyquil into the interaction checker on Drugs.com, I found that the dextromethorphan and doxylamine have a moderate interaction. Causing dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. So, using the Coricidin by itself, will help you isolate it as the culprit if you do have unwanted side effects. 

 

I hope this helps.🙏

 

[Heath]

Went to dr I have infection so antibiotics. 
I plan to use flushing only for decongestant. 
 

yes the NyQuil has the 2 ingredients that cause anxiety. Names start with p. 
 

Coricidin is basically quafisin . I haven’t tried them in over 2 years I guess.

 

 I hope you are doing good! 👍

Edited October 18, 2023 by Heath

[StayHopeful]

Oh man, infection Yuck! I'm sorry...

Flushing works too, I can't handle water in my nose, so I shiver at the thought😄

The one decongestant, phenylephrine that's in Nyquil Severe, was taken off the shelves by the FDA in September because it doesn't work. So, won't have to worry about that one...👍

 

I was just over on your thread sending you a post when your post came through over there...😊

[Heath]

Yes that’s the one in NyQuil that got me. 
Stay away from 

 

No phenylalanine aspartame 

No pseudoephedrine and phenylephrine decongestant 

No quinolone antibiotics

No steroids

[StayHopeful]

@Heath

Agreed! Those I learned about early on, after joining SA. Though the only one I had problems with in the past was steroids, I won't chance it again. Just because you could tolerate something in the past, doesn't mean you always will. 

 

Just can't be too careful. 👍

[StayHopeful]

Hi All!

I hope everyone is doing well after the Holiday, doing well on this Holiday. To All the Veterans - A very appreciative 'Thank You for Your Service' and I hope your day goes well!!

 

Update:

 

I've been doing pretty good lately.  I haven't had a true wave, small or otherwise since early July.  I still have the stress to deal with, but I'm able to take it more in stride now, instead of everything being a catastrophe. In other words, I think I'm finally beginning to mellow out. One of the biggest improvements, is noticing my emotions and thinking them through. I get irritated/angry/agitated/hurt - then stop, think about it and see if handling the situation or a reaction is warranted. Sometimes, it's not - sometimes, it's just me and not what someone else did. AND That's Ok, it's normal!

 

I did start therapy, and was diagnosed with C-PTSD, another club that I didn't ask to be a part of, darn it. I've started EMDR (many here have mentioned it, some it's worked for, some not) and it hasn't been long enough for results yet, but I've been doing a lot of homework in the meantime. Writing things down and figuring things out and staying positive. If it doesn't work, I'll keep trying to find something that does. This time I want to do things right, heal and move forward, to never be on medication again.

 

One big change - I got a puppy!🐕 I'm so in love 💗 The moment I saw that little face, I couldn't resist. Now, it's all play time, walks and potty training (away from the wee pads). We get no warning of when it's potty time either, just a few sniffs and a squat. I find myself constantly running to grab the little one, put on the harness and run out back - when not cleaning up the accidents. The puppy is kennel trained, does well when left alone in it and sleeps through the night, so that's a blessing!😊 

 

Mental:

Occasional anxiety, but nothing extreme.

Normal emotional ups and downs.

Sleep about 4-8 hrs. a night.

 

Physical:

Normal age-related things. Nothing that I can attribute to withdrawal.

 

🙏If I can continue this way for a couple more months or longer, I think I might be able to post a success story. 🙏

[StayHopeful]

Happy New Year to everyone!🎉🎉  I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday season 🦃🎅 and a great start to the new year.

 

It's been a while since my last post, but not because I didn't want to or that I've succumbed to the "Disappeared Because I Feel Good Now" Syndrome. I've just had a lot to do, dealing with a ton of stuff and quite frankly, at times didn't know what to say. I really look forward to when I can devote as much time to posting and interacting as a lot of people do on this site - it's wonderful to see!

 

Mental:

Happiness - about 90% of the time.

Worry - not nearly as much as during acute withdrawal or even when I was on meds.

Anxiety - a lot better, I enjoy social settings, going shopping alone, and driving all over (even navigating challenging conditions). I still have the                                occasional adrenaline surge when I wake up, but it only lasts for about 5 seconds maybe.

Ruminating - only when there is something that needs to be figured out, and I don't dwell on it.

 

Physical:

I'm not having physical symptoms from withdrawal at that moment. Lord knows how grateful I am for that. 

I'm eating healthy and started exercising - slowly. 

 

Therapy:

It's scary and hard. I've been sweeping everything out from under the proverbial medication rug, processing it and moving forward. Due to that, I've had a few full-blown breakdowns, but they didn't last long and I'm ok with it. Since I've been committed to healing and doing a lot of "homework", I don't need the recommended twice a week arrangement anymore and have been relegated to "as needed". I've been learning a ton, about who I am off medication, who I want to be, setting boundaries and especially about how to support my family while I'm adjusting. There were times that all I could think about was what "I" was going through, so I can't thank my family enough, for the support they've given me while I've been at my worst.

 

A sincere Thank You!! To all of you here, who have provided me with advice, knowledge, support and understanding, since I started this journey - two years ago - words can't express how grateful and appreciative I am.

 

🙏Praying that everyone stays strong and finds more recovery this new year, than they can imagine!!🙏  

[Giuly88]

Hi Stayhopeful, I think you are nearly a success story 😊.

 

Pleased to hear you are recovering well.

 

May I ask if you experienced.  jerks in your torso?

 

Peace and healing to you ❤️

[StayHopeful]

@Giuly88

 

Hi! Thanks for stopping by 😊

 

Yes, I did experience mild abdominal jerks, more like a weird sensation of sudden muscle tightening - like a light crunch.  If that's what you're feeling, those occurred occasionally while the brain zaps were happening, and stopped around the same time the zaps stopped, which was about 3 months after I finished tapering it. Due to your question, maybe I can attribute that symptom to the escitalopram after all. Thanks 👍!

 

[StayHopeful]

Update: Caution - ended up being a small rant...

 

I'm feeling optimistic about my healing but it's not without trepidation. I want to so badly believe that all is well, and I can put withdrawal behind me. I want to not have it cross my mind anymore. However, due to the window and wave patterns and stories of others who have had it reemerge, after sometimes years of being symptom free, it's not as simple as just recovering. I've never hated anything before, but I hate psychiatric drugs.

It will always bother me, that free for all discretionary prescribing by any Dr, negates negligence. Just because they may "feel" the benefits outweigh the potential risk of harm, it doesn't apply to everyone, and Drs should be held responsible. Not everyone's body reacts the same, if even one person can have a negative outcome, so can ANYONE else. 

 

Mental:

Feeling predominately happy and emotionally stable.

Stress is handled well, not extreme or overwhelming.

Anxiety is normal and not extreme or overwhelming.

Memory is coming back - mindfully trying to remember and doing mental exercises for better acuity.

Sleep is hit or miss - most nights I get 3-6 hours, I take 3mg melatonin as needed at bedtime if I start to have a wave of insomnia.

 

Physical:

Having no physical effects from withdrawal at the moment.

 

As the days get longer, I will have to see how my morning cortisol levels are affected, I might have to go back to using my sleep mask. Since, I get up early, just as dawn starts to break, I don't feel adrenaline surges. It's only if I try to stay in bed, the more it gets light out, I start to feel small surges. So, springtime for me, might to be a force to be reckoned with. 🙄

 

Therapy:

Going very well. I'm not doing the EMDR unless I get stuck on something from the past that I can't let go of. I see my therapist when I need to for perspective and the rest is my own homework. The introspection has been priceless, and I attribute my boost in mood and de-stressing, to finally processing the emotions that were blunted by the medication - and not dealing with drama filled, problem causing relatives. 

 

 

Aside - Don't get me wrong, in certain circumstances, I definitely feel that psychiatric meds have their place.

Such as:

A mental illness diagnosed before the person ever took any mind-altering medication or substance.

If the person suffered an incurable brain injury or mental trauma. 

With the caveat that:

If the person is taking any mind-altering substance while suffering mental health issues, they should discontinue and heal from its use or dependency first, then be assessed to see if they actually need psychiatric medication. 

 

Anyway, that's my two cents worth... 

 

Hope everyone is having a great day and that the weather is bearable wherever you may be! 😊

[StayHopeful]

As of today, I'm still doing well. 

I'm no longer in freeze/breakdown mode. I.E. something gets broken or damaged and someone gets upset about it. I can stay calm, help them calm down and take immediate action to fix it personally - grabbing glue and reassembling it or putting something back together that fell apart, etc.

I have less social anxiety than I had as well. I can function and participate in social activities without withdrawing and feeling extremely awkward and anxious. 

I feel like I'm healing more, I'm very glad about that, and its way better than how I reacted during withdrawal 😊.

 

Mental:

Sleeping between 3-6 hrs. a night on average

Minimal anxiety, though some thoughts do cause a slight stirring of it. 

Haven't had to use my sleep mask and not currently having adrenaline surges upon waking.

 

Physical:

Not currently having any physical symptoms of withdrawal.

 

Spring is here meteorologically, and I hope everyone is able to enjoy it. 🙏