MC47: Abilify on and off 7 years Intrusive thoughts

[MC47]

7 years on and off abilify, severe blow outs when cold turkey and 6 month wean off. First experience before i was ever drugged was seeing my dads eyes turn completely black like a possession right in front of me, then he passed out, in which he admits he passed out and felt weakened afterwards. I was in many delusional thoughts for weeks up until that point, but it was all intrusive thoughts.

 

5 years after that which was my last experience after weaning off the thoughts led me to take my dog on a what ended up being a 10 hour walk that turned supernatural, in which i rapped about how tormenting my life was on the spot during the walk for must have been over an hour, it flowed out of me some ryhming, some not, but it was intense. I had prayed that my dog could have golden feet for the long walk and off i went because i believed the night was going to go on forever. I get hit with many delusions and everytime i think the thoughts are God. I want to change that and not fall for the same lies, it's the devil. Never heard a single voice though.

 

Experienced in a number of states God showing how much He loves me through music lyrics song after song, but might just have been lies of the devil again, not that God doesn't actually love me however. But the music leads me to dangerouse times, then hospital to be drugged. Been on abilify again for the past 2 years because I've been scared of this stuff happening again. But once again i want to go off and cold turkey because the normalacy life is killing me with no connection to God at all, not that all those states were God, but it has potential to meet God. One time i walked another long distance by myself where i ended up walking through a couple cities in which i was passing by a building under construction. And i thought to myself, what is that weird lighting in that building, so i snuck under the fence and it was told to me via thoughts that only a child like mind could find it's way into the building but it was all locked down, except one spot that had a stud wall that was staples with plastic. I peeled it back and went in terrified because the building looked so creepy, as i lay on the floor in front of an industrial heater that was in the building warming up due to that it was a mild winter night and i had already tried freezing myself to death, which as soon as my feet started to hurt i cancelled that idea. But yes, on the ground in front of the heater i had another thought telling me that i was the antichrist going to be bound to this dungeon for 1000 years and i believed it was true for a time because i thought i had no idea where i was anymore and this time too i believed the night would go on for these 1000 years. But eventually i stopped believing that i was the antichrist and instead that i was a child of God. I went on to explore the building all night and began to try and build thanos glove for my apparent evil dad who i thought was thanos during this time for a while due to past experiences. One time i sang all night to him in a cabin about how evil he was for casting me into hospital so easily. Where i was drugged and came out an anxious wreck and shell of a man. Fast forward to now and i manage to goto my shorts cleaning job and try to do some exercise and play some video games, walk the dog, watch and play hockey, but its so tedious its tormenting to not be connected to my emotions anymore. Also in that cabin i had some earphones i was listening to music to get inspiration of songs to sing to my dad, when he grabbed the earphones and tried to get me to stop. I sad let go of my earphones, and we had what seemed like a spiritual battle has he finally let go but it was slowely like he was in pain being forced to let go by God or something, because he didnt want to let go, but it was forced to in Jesus name apparently. But it was back and forth until he finally let go, then he hugged me and it felt so snakey at the time.

 

Anyways back to the building i spent all night in the building doing various thing and explored the building terrified at first, vut then i knew the building like the back of my hand even on the roof level, which there was a door that had a sign on it do not prop open, so i listened luckily didnt get locked on the roof in winter. But yes people started coming in after morning came and started doing the strangest work and i was asking them questions about life. When they were not satisfying me i went off to a room by myself thinking and talking with my thoughts that i thought were God and a supervisor game in and said where is your work hat and clothes or something to that effect, and i replied, i don't work here. So he led me down the staircase which i knew and when i got to the main floor, everything was entirely different. Completely different. I ended up in the hospital eventually via police that time, actually, they might have taken me home i cannot remember that bit, but eventually i ended up in hospital.. never been arrested as a criminal however, but a few police incidents like this.

 

Again, anyways.. i want to turn to Jesus and face my demons yet again, but i do not want to fall into the trap of believing my thoughts are direct God communication, thoughts of the intrusive dangerous sort. That is the devil.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Gridley

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, MC47.

 

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