Tale: My story

February 16

I'm so glad some of those resource might be helpful. For the reddit post one, the first step of muscle relaxation is important (e.g. unclench your jaw, don't hold your breathe, etc.) before continuing as you were. I started doing progressive muscle relaxation to try to learn how to do this more automatically (it's also good for anxiety in general I think!). You're right, the techniques are still very hard on some days, but on some days I feel breakthroughs!

Interesting about the strange sensations in your feet and hands! Do you still get those? Like you said, maybe a similar technique could apply to diminish those sensations. You're right, I feel like when we always avoid it gets harder. There's definitely times when I just want to put headphones on or go to a quiet room. We could still do that, but doing small exposures here and there will hopefully build up our tolerance to the noises.

Thank you for sharing your story, too ❤️ we're in this together! And like @AblazingTulip said, we're rooting for you!! I also want to celebrate you getting your degree when you get it ❤️ .

February 16

22 minutes ago, starsandjoy said:

Interesting about the strange sensations in your feet and hands! Do you still get those? Like you said, maybe a similar technique could apply to diminish those sensations.

Yes I still get them. And I think (once again) that withdrawal made them stronger because I completely forgot about them while I was taking the full dose of escitalopram. I also think SSRIs numb these feelings just like they numb your emotions and demotivate you. But I would prefer not to be a living zombie, you know. It is better to start learning coping skills which is what I'm going to try.

Thank you for all your support guys!

February 20

I don't know what to do anymore. This is pure torture. I wish I was not alive. I am never in peace. I am constantly thinking when is the time that my neighbors will make the next noise. I can never calm down. And every noise is like a slap on my face. I am not going to be able to finish university like this. Even the teacher makes a noise I can't deal with. I can only see death as an option. I wish I could be alone and in complete silence for a month. It's been more than 2 months like this. Can someone tell me that this will go away? Although I don't think I would believe you...

February 20

hi @Tale,

We are here for you and yes it will go away!! You got this!! When you overcome this, you will look back and be so happy you kept fighting.

In the meantime, are you able to use earplugs while you take your classes? I don't recommend using them all the time, but they might help dull those sudden startling sounds, especially while your anticipatory anxiety is also high.

I also recently found another trick that helps my misophonia. I was on the bus the other day (almost 3 hour bus ride), I forgot my headphones, and somebody kept sniffling. I noticed that my thoughts are "why don't they blow their nose? what won't they stop sniffling?" And I knew it was irrational (as we all know), usually i would say "oh theyre just not feeling well" but being logical didn't really help my misophonia. What _did_ though is thinking "Yes, go ahead and blow your nose, clear it out so that you feel better." I feel like it brings the control more to you that you say you want them to make the noise, it makes the physical sensation less.

I hope this helps. Feel free to message if you ever want to talk. You can do this and you will get through it.

February 20

1 hour ago, Tale said:

I don't know what to do anymore. This is pure torture. I wish I was not alive. I am never in peace. I am constantly thinking when is the time that my neighbors will make the next noise. I can never calm down. And every noise is like a slap on my face. I am not going to be able to finish university like this. Even the teacher makes a noise I can't deal with. I can only see death as an option. I wish I could be alone and in complete silence for a month. It's been more than 2 months like this. Can someone tell me that this will go away? Although I don't think I would believe you...

Oh how I feel your pain @Tale

It gets better, I promise. It did get much better for me at least, towards Nov 2023, and then my little "oops".

For the last few days (during the day), I play a single track on repeat. All day long. "Ocean waves". It drowns out all the "stuff", and has brought me much peace. Perhaps it will help you also. Plus it feels like I am on holiday. Yaaay!

Stay stronk! You got dis! Big hug!

(At night I sleep with 4.5Hz - Binaural Waves. Also been a great positive.)

Also @Tale, Are you sleeping ok/enough?

Edited February 20 by AblazingTulip
Added a question for Tale.

February 20

@starsandjoy @AblazingTulip

Thank you guys so much. It means a lot. I can usually handle this a bit better, but today it was awful. I am not sleeping well lately. I wake up in the middle of the night in terror. That's probably making it worse. I ordered melatonin and it'll arrive on friday. Hopefully that will help. I feel a bit calmer now. I will try all the tips you guys suggested. Again thank you very much. ❤️ ❤️

Big hugs!

February 20

@Tale Of course!! ❤️ Also just generally, try to make sure you are well-hydrated and getting out in the sun. Do you take a vitamin D + fish oil supplement?

Also, have you tried progressive muscle relaxation? I would do it before bed and feel like it would help. Here's a video I found on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86HUcX8ZtAk

February 20

1 hour ago, starsandjoy said:

Also just generally, try to make sure you are well-hydrated and getting out in the sun. Do you take a vitamin D + fish oil supplement?

I do take Vitamin D. I got a blood test done and it came out a bit low. I need to talk to my doctor on thursday and I might take it more often. I don't take fish oil because I've read it can be activating for some and that scares me a little bit LOL. Do you take it? Did it help? Thanks for the video. I will try it tonight.

How are you doing?

February 20

oh hmm I think it generally does help, and is generally good for brain health. I saw one instance on this site (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4664844/) where it wasn't, but in this single-person case study the EPA to DHA ratio was 6:1 and usually they recommend a lower ratio. I use this one for example: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QFTGSK6?ref=nb_sb_ss_w_as-reorder_k2_1_5&amp=&crid=ZA3U3X5CLMN2&amp=&sprefix=fish+ It's true different things work for different people, but I felt like fish oil+vitamin D are generally a net positive.

February 20

Oh, I see. Maybe I will try that too then. I will keep changes one at a time to know what helps and what doesn't. I will start melatonin 0.5 mg when it arrives and I will be evaluating how things go from there.

February 26

Hello!

I wanted to post some good news after all the torture I've suffered the past 2 months:

- I no longer have the most horrible migraines.

- My eyes barely twitch anymore.

- I no longer get up to pee in the middle of the night or in panic.

- I seem to tolerate a tiny bit more stress.

- I have felt emotions I haven't felt in more than 5 years.

- I catch myself laughing from time to time.

I am aware these might come back later even while holding my dose so I will be patient and I'll keep holding until my life seems a bit more bearable.

February 27

I'm so happy to read some of your symptoms are receding. Great sign, Tale. I'm also happy to hear the melatonin seems to be working for you, I didn't mention that in your comment on my thread. I think we need a long hold after our WD symptoms recede to cement our progress and get us ready for a calmer, slower taper. Rather than bearable, lets make it comfortable. I need to be functional for my studies and you need to be functional to get that degree, so slow is the only way. I know you don't need me to tell you this, but like you mentioned, it's like your irrational brain takes over and you don't pay attention to symptoms, taper too fast, and them BAM. That's what happened to me. I sure could use a vacation from my symptoms, and I'm sure you feel the same way, it really takes it outta ya. You're doing great!

February 27

8 hours ago, N2deep said:

I'm so happy to read some of your symptoms are receding. Great sign, Tale. I'm also happy to hear the melatonin seems to be working for you, I didn't mention that in your comment on my thread. I think we need a long hold after our WD symptoms recede to cement our progress and get us ready for a calmer, slower taper. Rather than bearable, lets make it comfortable. I need to be functional for my studies and you need to be functional to get that degree, so slow is the only way. I know you don't need me to tell you this, but like you mentioned, it's like your irrational brain takes over and you don't pay attention to symptoms, taper too fast, and them BAM. That's what happened to me. I sure could use a vacation from my symptoms, and I'm sure you feel the same way, it really takes it outta ya. You're doing great!

Yeah, I agree a lot with you. I think all of us in here need a vacation from these awful symptoms. So that's what I'll do. Thanks for the reminder! This year I might not taper a lot or not at all, but I will feel ready for when I do the final taper starting in 2025. It sucks, but acceptance is key. I hope your sleep gets better!

February 27

ahhh amazing!! yes slow and steady is best even if it takes longer. So happy you are feeling some relief, that's great news!!!

March 5

Hi!

It seems like I am still doing well! I still can't believe how suddenly I've started to feel good again. It is quite possible I will be in a wave again, but it seems like healing is possible and real. I need to remember this moment when I feel bad again in the future. I should be holding until I finish university and then I will have a lot of time to taper and be free. It is very exciting, but very far away. I MUST be patient. I can't repeat this mistake again.

I just wanted to give some hope to people who are struggling as much as I was these past few months. ❤️

March 5

4 hours ago, Tale said:

Hi!

It seems like I am still doing well! I still can't believe how suddenly I've started to feel good again. It is quite possible I will be in a wave again, but it seems like healing is possible and real. I need to remember this moment when I feel bad again in the future. I should be holding until I finish university and then I will have a lot of time to taper and be free. It is very exciting, but very far away. I MUST be patient. I can't repeat this mistake again.

I just wanted to give some hope to people who are struggling as much as I was these past few months. ❤️

Hi Tale,

So glad to read this, and yes, it may well be a wave, but ride it, and get through whatever comes next. Hold on to the fact that healing is there to be had, and the words "This too shall pass", hold so true for us, always.

🌷

March 7

Really glad you're feeling better, Tale!

March 8

so so great to hear, @Tale!!

March 16

Does anyone else get red spots under their eyes after crying? It feels as if my body is having an allergic reaction to my own tears which is hilarious. I want to believe it is my body getting rid of toxic stuff. Anyway, I'm still holding. I'll be 84 years old and still holding I guess. I'm very negative today. I hate humanity so much. It's just horrible how people treat others like objects. It disgusts me so much. Also I've gained almost 5 kg in 2 months. That's very good news because I thought I was dying. I'm still extremely thin, but I don't feel in danger anymore. My digestion seems completely normal. I'm still blown away by how the progestin I was taking messed that so badly and no one ever told me a damn thing. It angers me so much how my doctor wanted to give me more drugs when the solution was to take less. She also told me it was probably anxiety and it was all in my head. She would just gaslight me like that. I wish I could yell at her. Luckily she's no longer my doctor. I'm never going to a doctor ever again unless it is something urgent. I think I have some trauma from her gaslighting me like that. She really made me feel like my problems were not real or not important enough. Now, every time I have to go to any doctor I get quite nervous.

March 18

My eyes burn a lot when I cry now , which I never remember happening before. I don't know all the symptoms you are currently experiencing, but I'd be quite optimistic. You have been able to drop very substantially over the last year, and are on a very low dose now. Just hold for a while and then go for the endgame taper. Then you are free of this forever.

March 18

On 3/16/2024 at 11:47 PM, Tale said:

Does anyone else get red spots under their eyes after crying? It feels as if my body is having an allergic reaction to my own tears which is hilarious. I want to believe it is my body getting rid of toxic stuff. Anyway, I'm still holding. I'll be 84 years old and still holding I guess. I'm very negative today. I hate humanity so much. It's just horrible how people treat others like objects. It disgusts me so much. Also I've gained almost 5 kg in 2 months. That's very good news because I thought I was dying. I'm still extremely thin, but I don't feel in danger anymore. My digestion seems completely normal. I'm still blown away by how the progestin I was taking messed that so badly and no one ever told me a damn thing. It angers me so much how my doctor wanted to give me more drugs when the solution was to take less. She also told me it was probably anxiety and it was all in my head. She would just gaslight me like that. I wish I could yell at her. Luckily she's no longer my doctor. I'm never going to a doctor ever again unless it is something urgent. I think I have some trauma from her gaslighting me like that. She really made me feel like my problems were not real or not important enough. Now, every time I have to go to any doctor I get quite nervous.

I think you don't need to be afraid of doctors, except psychiatrists who diagnose non-existent diseases .
I've been to an ophthalmologist (I'm getting blurry vision in one eye) and a gastrologist (partial paralysis of the intestine and stomach) who haven't helped but haven't hurt yet.
I also cry over my health , because if I had not gone to a psychiatrist and reached for pills I would be healthy .
I used to go to the Catholic Church and it was my Sunday therapy, but since in Europe there is a fad for SSRIs brought from the US and everywhere they write that this is the only way to improve one's life I finally agreed to try it unfortunately.

March 26

Trigger warning. Please read a success story instead of this post if you are in a wave.

I am going to be honest. I want to stop taking escitalopram. After more than 3 months holding the same dose I still feel insane, out of control, very angry, very sad, etc. I know I will feel worse if I stop, but at this point I don't care about anything anymore. I will suffer the biggest nightmare imaginable, but at least I will know it is not hurting me anymore. Right now I don't know if I am going insane because I am not measuring my doses with enough accuracy, not getting enough sleep, not taking magnesium, having an adverse reaction now that I stopped progestin, still in withdrawal from the progestin... It is very frustrating with so many variables. The worst is nobody or nothing will help. If it helps it is probably addictive too. Only time can help, I hope.

March 27

I have figured out what caused this awful wave: exercise. It wasn't even anything crazy, just trying to correct my posture. But my brain hated that a lot. I am having a LOT of muscle twitching everywhere, no hunger, extreme irritability... I guess I will live in my bed for the next who knows how many years. I think the problem is I am gaslighting myself into thinking I am fine and then I push myself too much. It is hard for me to admit that I might loose a lot of years of my life to this. I have a hard time accepting it. And because I can't do anything, the only thing in my mind is the meds and the fact that I should stop them. This prompts me to taper again because I have nothing better to do. How long do people wait to become stable? Is there a point where waiting stops making sense? I am guessing almost 4 months is nothing. I was thinking of waiting until this wave is over and then drop to 0.591 mg which is around 1.5%.

March 29

This is awful. If only I could cut the nerves that connect my ears to my brain I could at least live in peace. But I have the worst neighbors that just keep dragging all their furniture every day all day long. It is 1 am and they keep making the loudest noise. What is wrong with them? This is unbearable. Most withdrawal symptoms are fine. This is just torture. Every time, I feel an intense feeling in my chest telling me to run away, but it is 1 am and if I leave my parents will be extremely worried. So I have no way to escape. So I am just traumatizing myself everyday and I don't want to do this anymore. I want to leave. What is the point of living like this? It's been months of the same everyday. How can sound hurt this much? Nothing helps. Nothing. I've tried everything except more drugs and I don't want to ever touch those things ever again. I just stay all day in bed covering my ears. My arms and ears hurt from doing that and it doesn't even stop the insanely loud noise they make. This is not living. What am I supposed to do? Keep living like I am about to die everyday for who knows how long? All while making my parents extremely worried about me? How am I going to heal under this amount of stress? I have no friends. No future. People told me I was very smart and I would do great things in life. I was so close to finishing university and I don't think it is possible without my arms. All my dreams have gone away just because of human greed. Gotta love it. I am not sure I will survive. Now I get the name of this forum.

April 5

Hi @Tale hope you’re feeling a little bit better. You’re right, intense exercise can make you feel worse mentally while you’re recovering, the same happened to me, too, you’re not alone ❤️

in the evenings, have you considered playing white noise on your phone (there’s an app literally called white noise haha) or just sleeping with earplugs? It might help you get some more relief. I also found this page with some interesting info on sound sensitivities, maybe it might help: https://www.owenparachute.com/misophonia.html

we got this, we will heal ❤️

April 5

8 hours ago, starsandjoy said:

Hi @Tale hope you’re feeling a little bit better. You’re right, intense exercise can make you feel worse mentally while you’re recovering, the same happened to me, too, you’re not alone ❤️

in the evenings, have you considered playing white noise on your phone (there’s an app literally called white noise haha) or just sleeping with earplugs? It might help you get some more relief. I also found this page with some interesting info on sound sensitivities, maybe it might help: https://www.owenparachute.com/misophonia.html

we got this, we will heal ❤️

Hey, thank you for the encouragement. Yeah, thankfully I am doing a bit better. I play water sounds which is very similar to white noise. The problem is the sounds that bother me are the ones white noise can't cover . I'm not gonna say which ones because I know just saying them can create new triggers for other people. You always make me feel better. I appreciate it.

We will heal

April 5

I've got a bit of an update. I am having a wider range of emotions. I am extremely grateful for that. There's one emotion in particular that was completely gone for 5 years: love. These past few days I've been having an intense feeling of love. I think I might be falling in love... I've also started having sensation down there which I haven't had in years. I broke down in tears when I realized how dead inside I was for so long. It really does feel like every time I'm suffering a horrible wave I come out of it with something new. It is unbelievable and I'm quite angry for all the years I've spent feeling like a zombie. How crazy is it that a lot of us don't even realize until we start tapering? This gives me hope. I will continue holding at 0.6 mg until the waves stop showing up. My goal now is to wait until July 1st and see how I'm doing then. I'll also be done with university by then I think. One day at a time ❤️.

April 8

Hi everyone.

I am doing good. I am feeling a bit like when I took bupropion for a couple of weeks one year ago. I have anxiety, but it almost feels like a positive thing. I listen to music and it gives me chills. I have more motivation than I've ever had in years and I feel alive. My (probably very silly) theory is that SSRIs also mess with the dopamine system and it is finally regulating itself now that my dose is low enough. These feelings make all the torture I've suffered worth it. I am probably feeling a bit TOO good, but I am not complaining, just being mindful. It almost feels like what someone else would call mania. It is good that my body decided to give me a break from feeling terrible. It gives me hope that this will be over sooner than later. Thank you brain. Thank you to all the mods and admins. Without you my life would be a big regret. ❤️

April 8

On 2/26/2024 at 10:50 AM, Tale said:

Hello!

I wanted to post some good news after all the torture I've suffered the past 2 months:

- I no longer have the most horrible migraines.

- My eyes barely twitch anymore.

- I no longer get up to pee in the middle of the night or in panic.

- I seem to tolerate a tiny bit more stress.

- I have felt emotions I haven't felt in more than 5 years.

- I catch myself laughing from time to time.

I am aware these might come back later even while holding my dose so I will be patient and I'll keep holding until my life seems a bit more bearable.

I'm proud of you for pushing through the withdrawal. Currently I'm in a similar situation trying to taper Effexor. Like you I've also been getting A LOT of viruses, in fact I've been getting different ones for the last 6 weeks now!

But it will eventually improve, and then we don't have to make anymore changes if we don't want to.

April 8

4 hours ago, EPD6893 said:

I'm proud of you for pushing through the withdrawal.

Hey! Thank you so much. I promised myself I would never updose ever again therefore I'm only holding or tapering.

4 hours ago, EPD6893 said:

Currently I'm in a similar situation trying to taper Effexor.

I've heard Effexor is a horrible drug to taper... Slow wins the race. We are not alone in this. One day we'll post our success stories and be done with this! In the meantime we have to try to enjoy life as much as we can.

4 hours ago, EPD6893 said:

Like you I've also been getting A LOT of viruses, in fact I've been getting different ones for the last 6 weeks now!

Yeah... it sucks to be ill while tapering. One virus is enough. I can't imagine multiple. You must be going through a lot right now. I hope you recover soon and you get a window too .

April 9

13 hours ago, Tale said:

Yeah... it sucks to be ill while tapering. One virus is enough. I can't imagine multiple. You must be going through a lot right now. I hope you recover soon and you get a window too .

Thank you

April 15

Update.

I am in a wave at the moment. Every wave I've had so far appears to have a cause. Usually the cause is doing too much. This time was no different. For the first time in more than a year I decided to hang out with a friend. Terrible idea. We walked too much and having to engage in a conversation was exhausting. It is a bit sad and also a bit funny how my grandma (80 yo) has 1000 times more energy than I do at the moment. Who would've thought lol?

The wave is quite bad, but it seems less intense than the wave from January which was hell on Earth. I am grateful for that and I hope it stays this way and eventually goes away like all waves do. I'll keep holding.

Hearts to all of you ❤️❤️❤️

Wednesday at 03:40 PM

Update.

My body has been telling me to taper for more than a month now and I finally felt ready. After more than 4 months holding, I did a tiny 1.5% reduction on Saturday. It's only been 4 days, but I feel exactly the same. The only thing I've noticed is that I wake up a bit earlier and it takes me a bit more to fall asleep. So I will wait for that to resolve. I'm sure a wave awaits me, but I hope not. I'm so grateful I haven't been hit with any psychological symptoms. That is quite the relief.

The only thing that bothers me is that escitalopram is said to be 4 times stronger than other SSRIs which means the dose I'm taking is still probably very strong. My "plan" (which I'm sure will change) is to at least go down to 0.01 mg. But, from what I've read, I think that will still be too much. We'll see. I'm still very far away from that. For now, I'm very happy to be closer to being drug free! 😊

1996–2016	“Everything else”, including Fluoxetine, Enalapril 10mg.
2009	Paused meds for 2 months.
2016	Venlafaxine 150mg, Lithium 400mg, Bupropion (?mg), Olanzapine 5mg, Enalapril 10mg.
2019	Venlafaxine 150mg, Lithium 1,000mg, Bupropion (?mg), Olanzapine 5mg, Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2023	Venlafaxine 6 week taper at 75mg from Jun 1. Untapered: Bupropion (?mg), Olanzapine 5mg, Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2023	Enalapril 10mg from Jul 13. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2023	Benzodiazepine 30mg from Nov 20 to Dec 31 (5 sporadic doses). Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2024	Benzodiazepine 30mg from Jan 1 to Feb 9 (5 sporadic doses). Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2024	0.00mg AD. (9 Feb 2024) Non-AD Meds: Enalapril 10mg (Ongoing, for blood pressure), Quetiapine 200mg (Stopped Feb 10). Supplements detailed snapshot can be found here (as at 14 Feb 2024)

1996–2016	“Everything else”, including Fluoxetine, Enalapril 10mg.
2009	Paused meds for 2 months.
2016	Venlafaxine 150mg, Lithium 400mg, Bupropion (?mg), Olanzapine 5mg, Enalapril 10mg.
2019	Venlafaxine 150mg, Lithium 1,000mg, Bupropion (?mg), Olanzapine 5mg, Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2023	Venlafaxine 6 week taper at 75mg from Jun 1. Untapered: Bupropion (?mg), Olanzapine 5mg, Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2023	Enalapril 10mg from Jul 13. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2023	Benzodiazepine 30mg from Nov 20 to Dec 31 (5 sporadic doses). Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2024	Benzodiazepine 30mg from Jan 1 to Feb 9 (5 sporadic doses). Enalapril 10mg. Quetiapine 200mg (sporadic).
2024	0.00mg AD. (9 Feb 2024) Non-AD Meds: Enalapril 10mg (Ongoing, for blood pressure), Quetiapine 200mg (Stopped Feb 10). Supplements detailed snapshot can be found here (as at 14 Feb 2024)

Tale: My story

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