pooryorick: Hello everyone

[pooryorick]

Hi everyone,

I'm Stanislav, 24 years old and I've been suffering from constant depersonalization/derealization for almost 7 years, triggered by a weed induced panic attack. My symptoms include feeling unreal, confused in the world, racing thoughts, excessive symptom monitoring, memories don't seem like my own, loss of sense of self, apathy, anhedonia, lights are bright and "tunnel vision" (a kind of visual processing problem where I don't seem to percieve all of my FOV at once).

Two years later I was curious about medication since my symptoms haven't improved despite cbt therapy and time passing. In January 2020, I went to a psychiatrist, briefly described my situation and he instantly prescribed me Lexapro 10mg, which was supposedly really safe and unproblematic. I started taking it and felt changes in the next months. I cared much less about the intrusive thoughts but also had more anhedonia, was even less prone to laughing, was always feeling a bit tired and it was more difficult to reach orgasm but for me that was fine, since I had issues with premature ejaculation. Anyway, shortly after I met my boyfriend (the light of my life) and I continued the use of Lexapro for 2 years. Often times only taking half a dose, in hindsight it was irresponsible to be doing this. My dpdr symptoms have not improved but they were easier to live with and ignore. I want to emphasize that I didn't have a close connection to my psychiatrist and basically only went there for a new receipt where he asked if everything was fine and I said yes. Having no idea that tapering after prolonged AD use is supposed to be really slow, even though 5mg is the minimal tablet dosage, I quit cold turkey in 2022 for a month from 5mg because it wasn't helping with dpdr, not thinking much of it. I began experiencing great anxiety and depression and wanted to try wellbutrin, which helped for some people. So I was on wellbutrin for 2 weeks and had to quit it because it made me extremely tired and not much else. I then restarted Lexapro 5mg and later went up to 10mg for another 1 1/2 years. It was similar to the first time I took it. Then in January 2023 I decided to get off the drug and really work on my anxiety to recover from dpdr, which had been ruining my inner life. (Outwardly I was doing fine, got a Bachelor's degree in mathematics, while being dissociated 24/7, working on my master's degree right now) Without talking to my psychiatrist, whom I didn't trust that much anyway and he was changing offices too, I quit Lexapro 5mg cold turkey about a year ago. I really did not think much of it. I was really convinced the drug was relatively harmless. Stupid of me, I now know better. My withdrawals started after a week and I suffer them until today, a year later. They're not as bad as some people here have them but they are still debilitating and include:

Waking up with and suffering from strong anxiety and incessant racing thoughts and uncontrollable worries, depressed mood, heart beating fast, not being able to breathe in deeply, I also have anhedonia which I had before but now it's worse and I miss laughing. At first I was telling myself it was relapsing or that my dpdr was improving because I was feeling more anxiety, so my emotions were less dampened but just last week the realization hit me that I was not just suffering from dpdr but also from having been on Lexapro. At this point I wish I never took it. The last few days have been especially bad with me not being able to calm myself down and feeling like a hopeless case. The withdrawal symptoms have not improved at all yet. I've been going to the gym for 2 months and I will continue to do so. One thing that sometimes helps is a diaphragmatic breathing meditation, Doing this I can feel the anxiety subside sometimes. I am struggling at work and university but I hope that I will improve in the next year. Do you guys think there is hope for me? I know I ***** up but after a year, I don't want to start taking the drug again to taper it more slowly. I was thinking about doing rTMS for depression and anxiety and I am also in therapy for the last half year. Would appreciate any kind words and thoughts.

 

Cheers

[LotusRising]

Hi @pooryorick

 

Welcome to SA,

 

Could you help us out by adding a signature. This will ensure your drug history appears at the bottom of every post, making it easier for those trying to assist. It will be helpful to know when you went completely off your medication.

 

How to Create a Signature 

 

Have you seen these two links from our home page:

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

When we take medication, the CNS responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS must then undo all the changes that were made. As the changes are undone, symptoms may occur. You can expect that they will follow 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization  and since the CNS likes stability, we suggest to Keep it simple, slow and stable.

 

Yes, there is absolutely hope for you, as I'm sure you'll see by reading other stories on the site. We have many resources on the site for coping with various symptoms. If you need help finding anything, please reach out.

 

This is your thread. Please post any updates or questions related to your specific situation right here to keep everything related to your tapering journey in one spot. 

 

And again, welcome