mariamisery: Can I survive this withdrawal?

[mariamisery]

Hi Can anyone explain or have issues with breathing in morning.  I am breathing but feel like I can't take a full breath.  Is it my nervous system? Very scary. Thank you 

[getofflex]

Please do a search on the site for questions about symptoms.  I gave you a link on how to do a site search yesterday. 
 

Yes these symptoms are scary.  I’m sorry you are dealing with this.  Shortness of breath could be caused by anxiety.  It is quite possibly related to withdrawal.  

Edited March 20 by getofflex

[BaccatePlayer]

24 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Hi Can anyone explain or have issues with breathing in morning.  I am breathing but feel like I can't take a full breath.  Is it my nervous system? Very scary. Thank you 

May be related to serotonin and norepinephrine or you're experiencing "air hunger". This is when you're having sympathetic stimulation and your body is preparing for serious action. Since mirtazapine is quite sedative, when you are going off it, you're left with a bit more stimmulating state because there's no support from mirtazapine to calm you down. Technically every symptom in withdrawal is nervous or autonomic system, so you're right there. Morning = higher cortisol, so this issue comes to light. This is common mirtazapine side effect alone, but during withdrawal it's a sign you're more alerted than you should be. You need to wait some more time before this symptom goes away. In the meantime focus on lowering your agitation and panic. Spend mornings on something distracting like coloring and repeat this until your default excitability levels drop to satisfying point. Don't fixate on it because you already have two breathing tempos fighting against each other, so refrain from adding third one to the mix and let the alerted one catch up to your real one by relaxing and untensing yourself.

[mariamisery]

How are you today? Hope your day is good!  Even though you are in the thick of it you take out time to help others. You are  always  so helpful and kind.  I have heard that this is common with people who have took mirtazapine.  Not much information on how long before this gets better.  

[BaccatePlayer]

2 hours ago, mariamisery said:

How are you today? Hope your day is good!  Even though you are in the thick of it you take out time to help others. You are  always  so helpful and kind.  I have heard that this is common with people who have took mirtazapine.  Not much information on how long before this gets better.  

Because symptoms keep changing it'll be extremely difficult to forecast how long breathing issues will last for you. It's even possible to have this symptom for a month, then it disappears for three weeks and then comes back for another one and a half month or something. I appreciate you growing stronger alongside us and reacting with positivity. Thank you a lot, it gets better for me and it will get better for you. Very likely that time passes a bit slower for you now than for me now, but as long as you don't upset your CNS it won't be getting worse, so stay hopeful.

[mariamisery]

I will try my best to stay strong. Yesterday was the best window day I have had even though  I didn'tcompletely feel like myself.. Today the wave is almost unbearable.  The windows seem to get better but the waves are getting worse. Hopefully I will get a window today. Today makes it 2 months of terror. I hope in this 3rd month I will see more improvement.  Yes, you are further along than me and you saw improvement, hopefully same for me.

[BaccatePlayer]

5 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

I will try my best to stay strong. Yesterday was the best window day I have had even though  I didn'tcompletely feel like myself..

That's sadly expected. Feeling more and more yourself with each next window? Yes. Feeling completely yourself? Probably not soon.

 

7 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Today the wave is almost unbearable.  The windows seem to get better but the waves are getting worse.

There are several reasons why waves seem worse:

-you may be doing too much or face too much stress,

-you may be getting new symptoms and freak out more because of them feeling different and surprising which both adds up to stress and may make you believe it's getting worse,

-you're becoming more and more fixating on evaluating how you feel which adds up to total time spent on rumminating about it thus making you feel like it's getting worse,

-you are buying into narrative that it's coming to an end too much and your perspective shifted from comparing it to previous wave onto highlighting how far it is from your healthy state.

To counter this, you need to work on anxiety, rumminations and panic as well as checking if you don't strain yourself somehow. Maybe lying in bed all day (at least during windows) may not be necessary, but take into account that you're very vulnerable during this time and need to save your strengths as of you were ill. Use them too quickly and your body will not have any other reserve than tapping into hypercompensation which is borrowing from your stability and thus taxing you more. It's easy to stress yourself, but it's not easy to make up for it. When it's too late, you're left with worse wave and nothing can help you then.

 

19 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Hopefully I will get a window today. Today makes it 2 months of terror. I hope in this 3rd month I will see more improvement.  Yes, you are further along than me and you saw improvement, hopefully same for me.

Have you read about flowing with the windows? To be honest, it's not really a good idea to become dependant on them. You're giving symptoms the power this way because you teach yourself that they're real threat and develop panic against them. Radical acceptance could be helpful. I made this mistake when I was between months 1 and 2 and it was leaving me traumatized by waves every week. Remember that you were likely dealing with symptoms much better than how you remember it each time a wave appeared. Keep telling yourself that you don't need to react at all. Whatever symptom happen, you will have no way of fixing it and even if you forecasted it, this does not make a wave any easier but the time you were worrying about it worse. I know staying in the moment and trying not to put all faith in the "I hope next day/week/month will be better" is difficult, but it will be more bearable to deal with your current objective rather than everything at once. It will get better, but when you are mentally ready for anything the reassurance is not in the future, but present right now. When you're feeling it's getting unbearable, try to stop yourself. Connect to your mind, your heart, your lungs and try to reset them to a much slower pace. Like you dropped everything. Talk, walk and think much slower, processing everything around more precisely, one by one. Even feel a void, a flow that allows you to leave the symptoms how they are. It will fight back, then some more, but if you then pick up some focus like what happens when you look through the window or you picking up a pillow and massaging your legs or stomach with it, something light, silent and slow, it will release the tension from you. Resisting the reaction to symptoms makes a difference in habbits. Your mind will slowly stop associating symptoms with panic and you'll be more desensetized like after exposure therapy. Wish you lots of strengths, you got this Maria!

[mariamisery]

Thank you....Will go look for flowing with the windows. I do my best to not lean into the waves. They refuse to be ignored. The waves by default slow me down. They make me  feel weak and tired. Feel the nerves in my abdomen.  Legs become achy. What are your waves like?

[BaccatePlayer]

34 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Thank you....Will go look for flowing with the windows. I do my best to not lean into the waves. They refuse to be ignored. The waves by default slow me down. They make me  feel weak and tired. Feel the nerves in my abdomen.  Legs become achy. What are your waves like?

Yes, that's why you must fight negativity over and over again. You may even feel it didn't pay off after one or two waves, but they will be weaker each time you resist to be tracked to their side or at least decide to do so and delay failure a bit. Waves intensify symptoms, so it's understandable.

 

My waves start with new symptoms appearing and overall state smoothly worsening in the background. It may be a random shot of pain or extreme panic state for a few minutes and then I notice something is wrong. I think about my symptoms everyday, but somehow I go with the day, what my family does and think about some other topics too. When a wave starts, rumminations persist abnornally long. Here I recognize increased sensitivity to stress. This can be anything, for example seeing a kissing scene on TV and realizing arousal triggers panic instantly. Then my head turns into eggshell, reacts to smallest movements and I feel it's filled with more and more poison-like grip. As it's drowning in that burden my thinking slows down, my digestion slows down and my margin of error decreases. I walk feeling like drunk and I can't allow myself to check my condition anymore because anytime I try to be aware of it I trigger unpleasant sensations like nerves having some shock-like reaction when I introspect. Change of pace becomes delayed, waking up takes more time, symptoms attack stronger when I stand up or sit down or otherwise switch my position and it all adjusts longer than usually. I become paranoid about every activity being a trigger like food or listening to music. One wrong thought and I feel absolute torture storm will start. After few days it attacks mood. I get either depersonalization or extreme depression, clinging to others with insatiable need for reassurance and I can barely access realizing that these are symptoms and will pass. Thinking is so altered that I can't trust what I feel because I'd snap under it right away. Then comes a peak when both mood and physical symptoms create such burden that I'm starting to completely lose it. Finally there's a trough and although wave stops, I'm stuck in some confusion. I need to manually get myself out of it, for example spend a decent two hours talking to someone until mind leaves thinking about symptoms. Trough usually leaves me dissapointed, frustrated that there's no window yet and I often feel regrets that it was pushing me beyond my tolerance. Only when I shake myself out of this mood, a window happen. There used to be times when I was going from wave to a trough and right away to another wave because I failed to invite the real world to my mind and let myself be stuck at the wave mood.

 

 

[mariamisery]

Your waves sounds familiar.  This will come to an end. I was told that withdrawal can come to an end at anytime. She said that you can be having very intense waves and wake up the next day, week or month and you're healed. This has happened to a lot of people.  Healing is not always I am feeling better and better then it's over. The end sometimes just happens.  When the waves come I always look to find  people to  chat with and encorage me 

[BaccatePlayer]

11 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Your waves sounds familiar.  This will come to an end. I was told that withdrawal can come to an end at anytime. She said that you can be having very intense waves and wake up the next day, week or month and you're healed.

Who is "she" in your statement?

 

14 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

This has happened to a lot of people.  Healing is not always I am feeling better and better then it's over. The end sometimes just happens.  When the waves come I always look to find  people to  chat with and encorage me

This is a good idea. I think it can happen in many ways, it's good to have faith. We're not broken, we're just adjusting to our new selves.

[mariamisery]

Mad in America.. Baylissa Frederick. So many voices out there. Some people stories on this site said they never got windows and was healed.  Basically, you never know when or how you will heal.

[BaccatePlayer]

17 hours ago, mariamisery said:

Mad in America.. Baylissa Frederick. So many voices out there. Some people stories on this site said they never got windows and was healed.  Basically, you never know when or how you will heal.

I hope you feel your recovery coming soon.

[KaiLee]

On 3/21/2024 at 4:41 AM, BaccatePlayer said:

Yes, that's why you must fight negativity over and over again. You may even feel it didn't pay off after one or two waves, but they will be weaker each time you resist to be tracked to their side or at least decide to do so and delay failure a bit. Waves intensify symptoms, so it's understandable.

 

My waves start with new symptoms appearing and overall state smoothly worsening in the background. It may be a random shot of pain or extreme panic state for a few minutes and then I notice something is wrong. I think about my symptoms everyday, but somehow I go with the day, what my family does and think about some other topics too. When a wave starts, rumminations persist abnornally long. Here I recognize increased sensitivity to stress. This can be anything, for example seeing a kissing scene on TV and realizing arousal triggers panic instantly. Then my head turns into eggshell, reacts to smallest movements and I feel it's filled with more and more poison-like grip. As it's drowning in that burden my thinking slows down, my digestion slows down and my margin of error decreases. I walk feeling like drunk and I can't allow myself to check my condition anymore because anytime I try to be aware of it I trigger unpleasant sensations like nerves having some shock-like reaction when I introspect. Change of pace becomes delayed, waking up takes more time, symptoms attack stronger when I stand up or sit down or otherwise switch my position and it all adjusts longer than usually. I become paranoid about every activity being a trigger like food or listening to music. One wrong thought and I feel absolute torture storm will start. After few days it attacks mood. I get either depersonalization or extreme depression, clinging to others with insatiable need for reassurance and I can barely access realizing that these are symptoms and will pass. Thinking is so altered that I can't trust what I feel because I'd snap under it right away. Then comes a peak when both mood and physical symptoms create such burden that I'm starting to completely lose it. Finally there's a trough and although wave stops, I'm stuck in some confusion. I need to manually get myself out of it, for example spend a decent two hours talking to someone until mind leaves thinking about symptoms. Trough usually leaves me dissapointed, frustrated that there's no window yet and I often feel regrets that it was pushing me beyond my tolerance. Only when I shake myself out of this mood, a window happen. There used to be times when I was going from wave to a trough and right away to another wave because I failed to invite the real world to my mind and let myself be stuck at the wave mood.

 

 

 

I am surprised by how similar our symptoms are.

And I'm also relieved that I'm not the only one going through this.

Besides that, I really hope you feel better, and thank you so much for your encouragement.

[BaccatePlayer]

2 hours ago, KaiLee said:

I am surprised by how similar our symptoms are.

And I'm also relieved that I'm not the only one going through this.

Besides that, I really hope you feel better, and thank you so much for your encouragement.

It's very easy to start doubting whether it's really a withdrawal, whether it's normal and curable. Our closest ones usually don't have slightest idea what it's like, so I'm glad we're finding understanding here. Thank you, I hope you do too. I think I had to find my own "wake up call" today and felt like reminding others that they can help themselves a lot with their mindset. In 3 weeks I'll be finishing 4 months after my immediate adverse reaction. Maria is also quite early in her journey yet, but we're getting closer to recovery each day.

[KaiLee]

Yes right... We both were in the same 'immediate adverse reaction' category. As I see, there are some difference to this 'version' of symptoms than the normal withdrawal symptoms.

But my symptoms... it's really not symptoms alone anymore, and it's becoming more clear to me. These are exaggerated symptoms and my mind suffering at the same time. But I wouldn't be surprised if this was only my mind's suffering alone. That's the way I have lived and how much I suffered...

My symptoms only made me realize these better, and it gave me the chance to express them out without being too afraid for the first time in my life.

Maybe I'm already healed from the symptoms. I really think so. I guess now I'm on my journey (and perhaps always has been, but only started to actually begin) of my personal, spiritual, and emotional healing process. I really have lived a difficult, sad, and depressed life (more than I can say). What I am starting to remember now, as 'symptoms' are starting to disappear, are the actual memories from my real past...

Edited March 26 by KaiLee

[BaccatePlayer]

9 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Yes right... We both were in the same 'immediate adverse reaction' category. As I see, there are some difference to this 'version' of symptoms than the normal withdrawal symptoms.

But my symptoms... it's really not symptoms alone anymore, and it's becoming more clear to me. These are exaggerated symptoms and my mind suffering at the same time. But I wouldn't be surprised if this was only my mind's suffering alone. That's the way I have lived and how much I suffered...

My symptoms only made me realize these better, and it gave me the chance to express them out without being too afraid for the first time in my life.

Maybe I'm already healed from the symptoms. I really think so. I guess now I'm on my journey (and perhaps always has been, but only started to actually begin) of my personal, spiritual, and emotional healing process. I really have lived a difficult, sad, and depressed life (more than I can say). What I am starting to remember now, as 'symptoms' are starting to disappear, are the actual memories from my real past...

"Not regular symptoms anymore" is what I wrote recently in my topic. Those are some bizzare states for me, trapping moods that I didn't know body could even produce. It's a mind torture, I agree. Some thoughts and even more precisely some states of awareness are just so frightening and wierd that I totally lose it when I get dragged into them. I'm probably not yet where you are at, but I can see it being my course. I always feel like my symptoms are missing some "link" now. Like there's something masking traumas or fears and the recovery would be me seeing how my PTSD directly activates these sensations. It's all panic and anxiety afterall. No real danger, just rumminations triggering "not feeling myself". Brain burning, depersonalization, heart racing - this is all really how critical level of fear and panic is being expressed by the body. For some, like Maria this may be shortness of breath or something else. Not even disorder, this is what happens to healthy people too, just less severe. Add the fact that people going through withdrawal and immediate adverse reactions are usually those who have the most psychological burden on their shoulders. I really hope this coming to an end for all three of us. I also hope Maria doesn't mind us discussing it on her topic.

[KaiLee]

Sorry. I haven't read your posts on your own topic yet, but I am very tempted to read them soon. I just don't feel I have enough strength yet.

 

I've also had shortness of breath - as now I know I always did - but did not realize until recently.

Now it's starting to getting better, and I feel a huge difference in comfort in my body.

But I still can't breath every time when I begin to remember some painful memory about my past. All strange things happen to me then.

For the last few days, I had to stay in my bed most of the time, and I had to call my parents into my room.

I screamed for their help for hours and screamed about how much pain I am feeling, how horrified I was.

At the same time, I could not feel them being around me even if they were sitting right next to me.

I felt terribly alone. And I remembered how I used to feel this way for a long time.

I cried so much one night. I cried so painfully about how I miss my 'real mother' and how she used to leave me alone as I was still a child. How she neglected my feelings for a long time.

I was so lonely all the time.

As I just kept on feeling that darkness, loneliness coming back to me, I had to twitch my body to shake them off. But it didn't stop coming until I had some Icecream that I loved when I was a child. My body was in all kinds of pain until then.

 

I agree with what you said about our body being in shock. In fact, now I feel that our symptoms are not just our brain trying to adjust to new state, but also our body and mind being in a huge shock from what happened to us.

Then as you said, as we antipsychotic users may tend to be the people who emotionally suffered a lot in life, when we go through such changes and when it comes time our emotions are starting to 'function' again, we have to deal with so much unresolved pain from our past traumas.

 

I'm sorry. As I was reading your post few hours ago, I felt I had something to say about it, but my health still won't allow me to do so. 

I guess I must try go back to sleep now.

I don't know what time it is in the place you're living, but I hope you have a nice rest as well.

[KaiLee]

I am afraid that I feel like I have wrote something wrong again.

And @mariamisery, I am also very sorry for writing these posts on your own topic. I am very sorry.

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

Sorry. I haven't read your posts on your own topic yet, but I am very tempted to read them soon. I just don't feel I have enough strength yet.

That's fine, really. I used to be stressed by reading other people stories because descriptions of symptoms were triggering anxiety. Obviously prioritize your wellbeing.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

I've also had shortness of breath - as now I know I always did - but did not realize until recently.

Now it's starting to getting better, and I feel a huge difference in comfort in my body.

But I still can't breath every time when I begin to remember some painful memory about my past. All strange things happen to me then.

For the last few days, I had to stay in my bed most of the time, and I had to call my parents into my room.

I screamed for their help for hours and screamed about how much pain I am feeling, how horrified I was.

That comfort in own body is what I miss a lot. Huge relief that it gets better with time, I can't wait. I don't move from my bed too much either lately. Seem to be the case for some of us here, mainly during waves. Sorry you're going through it, I mostly deal with unbearable sense of insanity.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

At the same time, I could not feel them being around me even if they were sitting right next to me.

I felt terribly alone. And I remembered how I used to feel this way for a long time.

I cried so much one night. I cried so painfully about how I miss my 'real mother' and how she used to leave me alone as I was still a child. How she neglected my feelings for a long time.

I was so lonely all the time.

As I just kept on feeling that darkness, loneliness coming back to me, I had to twitch my body to shake them off. But it didn't stop coming until I had some Icecream that I loved when I was a child. My body was in all kinds of pain until then.

Yes, this is very reletable. I feel like depersonalization is caused by loneliness in my case. I may be around parents, but if they don't understand what I'm going through it feels even more isolating than isolating purposely.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

I agree with what you said about our body being in shock. In fact, now I feel that our symptoms are not just our brain trying to adjust to new state, but also our body and mind being in a huge shock from what happened to us.

Then as you said, as we antipsychotic users may tend to be the people who emotionally suffered a lot in life, when we go through such changes and when it comes time our emotions are starting to 'function' again, we have to deal with so much unresolved pain from our past traumas.

Quite a bit of burden at once. Going through constant changes is why we don't fully feel ourselves. Scary to think about it, but at least we're alive.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

I'm sorry. As I was reading your post few hours ago, I felt I had something to say about it, but my health still won't allow me to do so. 

I guess I must try go back to sleep now.

I don't know what time it is in the place you're living, but I hope you have a nice rest as well.

Don't worry, I understand. Well, it is technically a sleeping time now, but people are looking forward for very important football match here in Poland now.

 

Just so it's still on topic with Maria's breathing I think we concluded that it's all really panic and anxiety. Maybe it's not suitable to feel it all day, but CNS is fighting all the time, so it can present many bodily functions in abnormal ways. It really could be a good idea to start every morning with relaxation technique, guided meditation or a journal because high morning cortisol and our rumminations from the night can set the wrong mood and cause issues with heart tempo or breathing.

[KaiLee]

I really agree with all you said, and it really touches my heart. I feel like I have a companion.

That's all I can say now... I've tried to go back to sleep again, but failed. Instead, I'm in a great fear again... But this time, this really isn't just from 'withdrawal'. Oh, withdrawal stuff was much more horrible, indeed. But at the same time, it was something very isolated from 'myself'. In a way that gave me comfort and ease.

On contrary, what I feel now is so related to 'myself'. This is something I've known so well, something I've suffered for my whole life. Something that didn't allow me to grow up, something that drove me crazy. 

I was one of those people who couldn't develop as a person because I was in too much fear all the time.
What I was feeling recently... didn't make me feel I was 'lying', if you know what I mean. In the past, I was never allowed speak of my fears or loneliness. That's how my brain was wired, how my environment made me. 
I hope so much I can go back to feel peace again. It doesn't matter how long it last, I just need some hope that it will happen again.

I wrote longer than I expected... I guess I can only write or read about something that resonates with my feelings, at this moment.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me today.

[BaccatePlayer]

How are you doing Maria? Remember we're always there for you if you needed anything.

[mariamisery]

Hi, today and yesterday mostly waves. The waves now  make me feel  tired and  give me a headache along with not feeling well at all.. How to build up the fight in me?  How is it possible to endure so much discomforts. With this you are living life not knowing when this withdrawal will end. How are you?  

[BaccatePlayer]

3 hours ago, mariamisery said:

Hi, today and yesterday mostly waves. The waves now  make me feel  tired and  give me a headache along with not feeling well at all.. How to build up the fight in me?  How is it possible to endure so much discomforts. With this you are living life not knowing when this withdrawal will end. How are you?  

I see, this one is a bit tricky. Definitelly try to get enough rest, though probably better not to buy into the "I have no energy" narrative cause this will strengthen the symptom. Ideally you want to have some shock or slap every neurothought or so. If you snap under doubt and continue to be upset about, it will start eating you up. I know it's seemingly impossible, but you need to keep refusing to give in to helplessness and be prepared it will keep persisting for the whole time during a wave and likely some time after it. When you catch yourself feeling bad, head to non-drug coping techniques with anxiety. You are unlikely to be wrong or cause any damage this way and this will both send you away from rumminations and lower your panic and stress levels which is all you can do if you fail to stay distracted. I don't think it's possible until you actually go through it. And we did. You went through waves already and now you have proof you are alive. Don't let it stay in your mind as too big of a challenge because you will run anticipatory anxiety. Did you check Claire Weekes' approach to anxiety? When you accept everything no matter how scary and stop expecting immediate change, you are gaining control over yourself. Remember it's always you there, Maria. You're not lost in some limbo for the time of waves, you were there in every moment and you were fighting, that's not what you asked for, but that's something you were able to live with in each second it was happening. I wish I could tell you when it will end, but there are things that are beyond my capabilities. I could tell you that I'd take it from you if I could or spend all time reassuring you if I was recovered myself, but the circumstances are, everything is ultimately on you. I haven't read all, but success stories from here are at least 8-10 months total and even then it's more like reaching bearable level than full recovery. There is improvement after each window when you look at previous window, but neither you are able to feel it much nor it is a reliable baseline because even when you're in a window, a stressful trigger could show you how miserable of a symptom can your anxiety create at any moment. It's probably not a good time nor approach to expect it ending soon. People would tell you it'll end, but nobody can tell you when. There are users who are still recovering after years, but your situation looks promising since it's just mirtazapine taken for short time. What we expect is ceasation of symptoms, so you can see how many of them you have, like maybe you don't hallucinate, so that's one less to worry about, maybe your sexual functioning is not affected, so that'd be another one less, maybe you don't have brain zaps etc. As you probably see symptoms take long weeks to go away, so the less you have them, the less you'll need to reach asymptomatic state. Maybe keep a diary and remind yourself what improved? Even if you feel you don't improve during a wave you will see that it was the same Maria who wrote at some point that she felt better that day. What you may keep in mind is that reaching for example June will likely leave you in a better overall state than you are now, so it will be closer to recovery even if it wouldn't be full recovery yet. Just don't place yourself in the whole timeline at once. You will be dealing with for instance 30/03/2024 10:35 just once and with every other moment in different mood. Don't picture it as your wave lasting months cause you will be having many different memories from future days before recovery. It's easy to think this is determinant, but you only feel your waves for a few hours when you're woke up during the day and still this is not everyday. Waves are getting weaker too. You may be going through a lot but it's not like a snowball of whatever remaining months is going to hit you at full force the whole time. I'm not really good myself, my symptoms, breakup and thoughts are detailed explicitly on my introduction page, so forgive me for not repeating myself. Keep going, Maria! It'll be worth it.

[mariamisery]

Thank you for the help.  Sorry for your breakup. Appreciate the motivation. I know no one knows when this will end. I am in a small window now.  I know many who complete healing was in less than two months and some a  little bit more.  They were only on one drug. I  don't have major symptoms but annoying and uncomfortable. I  don't understand the feeling awful  I know you mentioned trapped sensations..In a way it almost feel like my body is doing a check off list. Symptoms changes. I will trust that it want take much longer.  Also, even more windows and less waves is not absolute.  I searched but  did not see any success stories with short term use and no tapering. Without going to your intro you have only been on one medication? Just like for you, your symptoms don't seem major so why would it take  months for you to heal?

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, mariamisery said:

Thank you for the help.  Sorry for your breakup. Appreciate the motivation. I know no one knows when this will end. I am in a small window now.  I know many who complete healing was in less than two months and some a  little bit more.  They were only on one drug. I  don't have major symptoms but annoying and uncomfortable. I  don't understand the feeling awful  I know you mentioned trapped sensations..In a way it almost feel like my body is doing a check off list. Symptoms changes. I will trust that it want take much longer.  Also, even more windows and less waves is not absolute.  I searched but  did not see any success stories with short term use and no tapering. Without going to your intro you have only been on one medication? Just like for you, your symptoms don't seem major so why would it take  months for you to heal?

The single dose caused immediate adverse reaction/kindling, but I've been on various meds for 3 years before that. I would say my symptoms are rather major, but I get your point. It is different for everyone, various lengths, severity of symptoms, amount of symptoms and wave-window pattern. I simply don't feel like it's close for me. Hopefully it is for you, I'm very happy you retain your faith in quicker recovery. If you needed anything, tag me here, DM me or post on my topic. You are very smart and insightful, there are many traps you were wise enough to avoid and your strength doesn't go unnoticed.

[mariamisery]

Hi . You are so strong. If anybody can get through this. You will definitely do well. It is so challenging for me with the feelings.  I don't understand it at all.  This trapped sensation I can't explain.  What is going on in my body.  This is all that's really left.  Why want it leave😌

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, mariamisery said:

Hi . You are so strong. If anybody can get through this. You will definitely do well. It is so challenging for me with the feelings.  I don't understand it at all.  This trapped sensation I can't explain.  What is going on in my body.  This is all that's really left.  Why want it leave😌

And I guess you better don't. Feelings are constantly changing especially under chemical fluctuations we're obviously going through. Don't try to understand them too literally because although their message is serious, remember they're usually exaggregated now. What they convey has its base, but if you get dragged by them they will dominate your perception and instead of your mind adjusting to your regular self it will be swayed by what your symptoms dictate. Don't let yourself think you're helpless, insane, ill, depressed or whatever these moods try to trap you in, but carry on your regular flow. If you feel especially confused, you can even try to approach people you have nearby and highlight your intimacy with them, it can be a conversation reminding you of times you went through something bonding or basically somehting that no matter when or how stated would be unique for you and make your identity solid enough for your mind to have a base. Let it know "ah, so this is Maria and she really felt that then", so that it will make you feel more "at home" in your own heart. Always trust yourself that you are there, fully functional inside, you are just having CNS fireworks that may confuse you, but are ultimately ephemeral. It tries to find the real you, so... just be the real you. Don't doubt it. It works best if you have a defined position in many areas, so you know who you are on all fronts. For people who were usually timid, adaptive and have a rather fluid history of friendships and interests this may be more difficult because they are sugestible enough to be swayed by doubts, but still everyone has some routines or some relationships that evoke unrepeatable feelings.

[mariamisery]

Thank you.  All in all how can CNS feelings be so painful When  I tell someone I am in pain they  inquire on where is the pain? I don't have an answer. This pain is indescribable and can't be pinned down. It consumes. I try to not give it  attention.  Your insight and knowledge is so amazing and so so appreciated by all!!!

[mariamisery]

Has this happened to you? The feelings in body make it feel like you are losing it. This is something new for me.

[mariamisery]

Hello, need help.  Is it my CNS that is causing these awful feelings that is making me feel like I am losing my mind?

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, mariamisery said:

Thank you.  All in all how can CNS feelings be so painful When  I tell someone I am in pain they  inquire on where is the pain? I don't have an answer. This pain is indescribable and can't be pinned down. It consumes. I try to not give it  attention.  Your insight and knowledge is so amazing and so so appreciated by all!!!

I had a phase of such pain. Unbearable and oddly interconnected with panic. I suspect these are moments of low serotonin because that's usually source of pain, but you may as well be going through some big shift and there's a strong signal your brain doesn't know how to interpret, so it confuses it with pain. My advice is try to sleep through it or spend peaks of such pain on listening to podcasts aimed at reducing anxiety and panic. It's best to have prepared guide because under such burden you will struggle with coming up and ordering proper cues. Hyperalerted mind also reacts better to external commands. It's really one of the more disturbing symptoms, you don't know where the pain comes from, most likely from the brain but it overwhelms you fully as if just being was painful. Ideally, don't think during such moments, put yourself into the void of thoughts, this pain doesn't make sense and you won't find a good response to it even though it feels like calling for some action. Thank you, sweetheart!

 

12 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Has this happened to you? The feelings in body make it feel like you are losing it. This is something new for me.

Yes, it is exactly like that and can catch you off guard anytime. I noticed messing with neurotransmitters makes it worse, so working out, sexual activity, intense music and huge amplitudes of sugar levels may sharpen this pain further.

[mariamisery]

Thank you.  I also just posted that it makes me feel like I am losing it. Have you experienced that? It is  a quiet but powerful sensation. 

[BaccatePlayer]

12 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Hello, need help.  Is it my CNS that is causing these awful feelings that is making me feel like I am losing my mind?

Yes dear, it is recovering organism that's playing tricks on you. There are three planes you should track now:

 

1) Anxiety - Spend time on a relaxation technique. It doesn't seem intuitive, but it's never a bad idea to just trust that it will help. You may not even realize you are in agitated state, but accepting your feelings and putting it into perspective will definitelly make it less bothersome. Decelerate your body with a bath, massage or something like progressive muscle relaxation and then clear your mind. If it runs fast, cortisol and adrenaline will be running fast too.

 

2) Alienation - This may not be a clear variant of depersonalization or derealization, but feeling impending insanity building up in you throws you away from current real life and puts you into doubts regarding your actual health. To counter it, you should focus on something familair, ideally closest people because things are simply less engaging and not very interactive. Tell them that you feel lonely and want to feel included. If you don't have anyone reliable nearby, connect with a cat or start praying. If this is also not your thing, DM someone who really pays attention to your words, understands you and makes you feel listened. Point is, let yourself be a participant and observe how your actions and words are logical and make perfect sense, so you don't feel crazy.

 

3) Rumminations - Don't sit in front of it trying to solve it. You may be too deep into such mood. Go to bathroom, pour warm water on your face, then colder one, then some more warmer one and find some shocking statement you may be missing. Maybe you forget it will pass, maybe that it's harmless, maybe that there's always an option. You have so many things to think about: games, cartoons, sports, movies, imagining you are a dancer or imagining you're singing in front of a crowd or imagining you're having a conversation with someone you were infatuated in when you were younger. Anything that opens up your thinking.

 

Also, it may take some time before it eases. Remember that you can always take a nap and "quick sim" even 10-40 minutes this way which may make a difference. Even if you don't actually fall asleep you may wake up with some new thoughts that will be easier to navigate.

 

 

[mariamisery]

Thank you...if only my body would allow me to nap. I am envious of you. You are right no matter how horrible it is.  This too shall pass.  Why am I having anxiety now and did not have it initially,? Wish I was as insightful as you.

[BaccatePlayer]

8 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Thank you.  I also just posted that it makes me feel like I am losing it. Have you experienced that? It is  a quiet but powerful sensation. 

This is a bit complicated cause it may mean many things. Feeling like you're gonna collapse? Yes, it's common. You may be feeling so week that you couldn't believe you are still standing. Feeling like you are dying? Yes, I was sure this will happen during first panic attack and at some point before falling asleep. But you mentioned feeling like you're going mad, so I suspect you mean "losing it" as "losing control over yourself". This may be on the depersonalization spectrum or you feel your thoughts keep narrowing and you can't access something in your mind, like forcefully being expelled from some paths in your mind. I experienced all of it and yes, it is powerful enough so that you feel you wouldn't be able to break past it. Quiet? Depends on severity. Mines were not quiet, but these are normal emotional rockets during recovery and will neither harm you nor stay like that forever.