Success Story from Setraline after 12 months of withdrawal.

[collegekid123]

Hi everyone,

 

I told myself that if I ever make it out of this experience, I want to go back and give hope to others who are going through it. Around a year ago, I stopped setraline after a year and a half (including 8 months tapering). The weariness kicked in slowly, but I did not realize it was because of the withdrawal until I stopped it entirely. When withdrawal started, I kept telling myself to push harder, and harder as that was how I got through tough times before (mind you, I survived PTSD), but the reality was that I just couldn't. My mind started to hurt every time I try to think to an extent where I can't even string a coherent sentence together. The different thing is that during my withdrawal, nothing makes sense, not only cognitively but spiritually. Different from my trauma experience where even though flashbacks and triggers were rampant, there were parts of me that I still connected with and kept me sane, withdrawal felt like my identities and self have been stripped bare. For the following six months, I was what I could only describe as a psychotic break - it almost felt like time was slipping through my fingers, yet every hour that the clocks near my dorm chimed only reminded me of my own mortality. Yet, looking back, it was these little moments to telling myself to keep pushing forward - even though it did not make any sense at the time - that made a difference: getting up every morning despite all the odds and all the inner turmoil ravaging in the back of my head, deciding to push past the terms with every ounce of energy I have (it wasn't perfect, but hey we do what we can with what we have). These little things are pivotal moments that have allowed me to be where I am today. The progression of my withdrawals, as far as I can remember, were as followed

 

-August 2023 (6 months after): this was when I first noticed a small glimpse of windows - a short relief here and there - that indicated that I was going to be alright. My head still hurts when I think, I still have horrible intrusive thoughts and that nothing I did make any sense

-September 2023: Started my fall term junior year. I had a lot of grieves on the life path that I couldn't pursue, but I couldn't express any emotions just yet. Fall term was a leap of faith - I did not know if I would make it, but by releasing the academic pressure off my shoulder, I made it through. I was still on a full blown wave when stressed (especially during exams period or so), but deep down I had this feeling that the old me was inside, buried in some corner, but he was still there. There were moments where I did nothing but just crawled in my bed and waited out the waves, and I'm glad I allowed myself those moments.

-December 2023: I had moments of doubts on whether I should come back to school. I know that school will only get harder from here, as well as many of the important life choices I will have to make, as well as the dreaded Midwest winter. Yet, I took a leap of faith to come back - and on top of the academic workload I had to manage with summer internship application (yes all of this sounds really vain but if you had asked me if I would be able to manage all of this I would have told you that you must have been crazy)

-March 2024: this is truly the timepoint where I finally feel again - I feel grateful, I feel alive, I feel pain, I feel my bottled-up grieved being released (and continues to be released), but most of all, I felt a sense of deeper connection with life itself. I never thought I reached this place in my life where even though life is still a struggle at times, it is a beautiful struggle. On top of that, my constant migraines... just stopped. I'm not sure if this is it, or there will be other waves along, but I have never felt more at peace with everything.

 

I'm not writing this piece to brag about my being able to do things during withdrawal - I think cutting yourself some slacks are necessary to your recovery and survival, something my old self would not have appreciated it. I guess what I am suggesting is that even at the darkest of time, when things felt so absurd and you couldn't think of a way forward, just keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of others, as best as you can. I remember a line from Samuel Beckett that kept me going in the darkest of time : "I can't go on. I will go on." It may not seem like it matters, but it does in retrospect. During my whole experience of withdrawal, I think one epiphany that stuck out to me the most was the paradox of things - that (metaphorical) dying is accompanied with rebirth, and birth with another dying - we are constantly going through these cycles of death and rebirth ourselves, and withdrawal being one of those dark nights of the souls. Know in your darkest of time, when you hurt the most that you are also healing, that your body is working to recalibrate your system and brings you back to homeostasis. This paradox is always at work.

 

Of course, I know I am very lucky circumstance as so many others have taken these medications for so long, or are on a multi-drug cocktail. But just keep going, you will get there. I also want to thank the admins, and the community here for giving me hopes throughout my journey. The sense of community, as well as the success stories were lifeline that I clung onto in moments of chaos.

 

My hopes and wishes are with you all, those who are suffering through this battles as well as those who have survived on the other sides. 

[Emonda]

Congratulations, @collegekid123, and thanks for coming back to let us know you've passed the 12-month mark off ADs.

 

3 hours ago, collegekid123 said:

even at the darkest of time, when things felt so absurd and you couldn't think of a way forward, just keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of others, as best as you can

 

I completely agree. Hour by hour, day by day, week by week, just keep moving forward with one foot in front of the other.

 

Please continue to let us know how you are doing.

 

Emonda