Deep despair, dread, doom, horror

[gardenlady]

I do wonder if the unremitting doom, dread and crush of impending existential doom will ever ease up.  I've had it ever since I started tapering Cymbalta and it has never lessened....only worsened.  And, now, added to that, I have extreme irritability, anger, impatience and a compulsion to correct people who don't think like I do.  It's insane.  I have a deranged drive to force friends to change their way of thinking about all sorts of topics.  We all face this temptation, normally, but are able to rein ourselves in and not say inappropriate or rude things.  However, thanks to Cymbalta withdrawal, I blurt out rude, hurtful comments to people I used to like but no longer do.....in fact, I don't like anyone anymore.  The only way I can keep from making a spectacle of myself is to completely isolate and not talk to anyone, even on the phone.  Does this hideous compulsion ever go away?  I do wonder if my personality is permanently disfigured making me as repugnant to others as I am to myself.  My personality has completely disintegrated with no shred of likability remaining.  I am angry, hateful, fearful and unbearable to be around.  How can one recover from this?   I still have about 1 to 1.5 years left in my brutal, agonizing slow taper and who-knows-how-many years of healing after I'm off the drug.  

 

 

[Petunia]

On 7/9/2020 at 12:44 PM, gardenlady said:

I blurt out rude, hurtful comments to people I used to like but no longer do.....in fact, I don't like anyone anymore.  The only way I can keep from making a spectacle of myself is to completely isolate and not talk to anyone, even on the phone.  Does this hideous compulsion ever go away?  I do wonder if my personality is permanently disfigured making me as repugnant to others as I am to myself.  My personality has completely disintegrated with no shred of likability remaining.  I am angry, hateful, fearful and unbearable to be around.  How can one recover from this?

 

Hi gardenlady, I went through a long stage like this too, and managed it by keeping away from other people as much as possible. During times when I had to be with people, the energy it took to control myself was overwhelming, it would exhaust me.

I'm back to normal with regards to this, so from my experience I would say it's not permanent. You will recover from it over time, most likely in a windows and waves kind of pattern, like we recover from all the symptoms of nervous system disruption, drug damage and withdrawal.

Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. Take care of yourself, you will get better, slowly, over time.

[Vonnegutjunky]

Currently struggling with the sensations of doom/gloom/dread- 

 

I think my biggest worry Is it’s never going to go away- I’ve never felt like this before in my life - it’s such a creepy icky feeling - 

 

any suggestions on good coping mechanisms for this?  It almost stops me in my tracks when it hits me  

[zma1]

@Vonnegutjunky I think the best way is to not try to fight it. Notice it and name it--"Oh here's that dread feeling again" And let it be there. It's horribly uncomfortable and you dont have to like it, but the more we fight it the longer it sticks around and the stronger it becomes. Treat it like it's a bore. An annoying friend that you cant get rid of but have to deal with for a while. You dont have to engage with it and listen to its long boring narcissistic stories, but theres nothing you can do to make it leave so just let it hang around until it leaves on its own.

The key is to proceed with your day as if it's not there. Your actions dont have to be dictated by your feelings. It just feels normal to do things when we feel good about doing things. We can still do things that we want to do, even when we dont feel like doing them. Let your values dictate your actions, not your dark neuroemotions/emotions --they dont deserve your attention or respect. 

 

I say all this like it's easy--it's not. It goes against our instincts, but there is no reason to feel anxious and dark so there is no reason to retreat, morn, or hide or flee or fight. It takes a herculean effort to ignore negative feelings and take positive action in the face of doom and dread. I cant do it well at all. So I come here to feel less lonely about it, and it helps me a ton.

 

 

[Vonnegutjunky]

7 hours ago, zma1 said:

@Vonnegutjunky I think the best way is to not try to fight it. Notice it and name it--"Oh here's that dread feeling again" And let it be there. It's horribly uncomfortable and you dont have to like it, but the more we fight it the longer it sticks around and the stronger it becomes. Treat it like it's a bore. An annoying friend that you cant get rid of but have to deal with for a while. You dont have to engage with it and listen to its long boring narcissistic stories, but theres nothing you can do to make it leave so just let it hang around until it leaves on its own.

The key is to proceed with your day as if it's not there. Your actions dont have to be dictated by your feelings. It just feels normal to do things when we feel good about doing things. We can still do things that we want to do, even when we dont feel like doing them. Let your values dictate your actions, not your dark neuroemotions/emotions --they dont deserve your attention or respect. 

 

I say all this like it's easy--it's not. It goes against our instincts, but there is no reason to feel anxious and dark so there is no reason to retreat, morn, or hide or flee or fight. It takes a herculean effort to ignore negative feelings and take positive action in the face of doom and dread. I cant do it well at all. So I come here to feel less lonely about it, and it helps me a ton.

 

 

Thanks so much- I have been practicing accepting - it is hard tho- this process 10 years for me - seems never ending - 

 

years ago when I was bedbound due to akathisa and what I called the “psychotic terror” I waited and waited and never got better, and I am fearful of that happening again- and the doom gloom that as a huge part of that - so now anytime I get those feelings I worry so much it’s a sign that I’m on my way back there - I can’t help it - I just am so petrified of feeling like that again- not being able to work again- all of that horror happening again-  

[zma1]

I feel you. I’ve got a demon that I don’t want a recurrence of and it’s extremely difficult to accept that it may happen again. It’s the worst. It’s terrifying. But I keep telling myself that I’m torturing myself by re-living the fear as if it’s happening again, while nothing bad is actually happening! I wonder if Akathisia is being stuck in flight mode in fight/flight/freeze. I was just listening to a podcast about being stuck in freeze mode for a while, which is what happens to me. Maybe cbt therapy for that specific phobia would be helpful? Anyway I’m sorry you went through that and I’m sorry the far of a reoccurrence is terrifying for you. I’ve been working on this stuff for so long too, it’s definitely more of an ongoing practice.