amiss I'm having a really hard time, this is my story

[Altostrata]

I have a lot of reservations about licorice root. Unless it clearly makes you feel better, I would not take it -- and even then, only for a short time.

 

theelt, I'm going to have to ask you to stop recommending licorice root. You haven't even tried it yourself. Please don't egg other people on to try it.

[theelt712]

Alright, thank you.

[amiss]

I have a lot of reservations about licorice root. Unless it clearly makes you feel better, I would not take it -- and even then, only for a short time.

 

theelt, I'm going to have to ask you to stop recommending licorice root. You haven't even tried it yourself. Please don't egg other people on to try it.

 

Like what kind of reservations? My only concern with it is that it has the potential to act as an SSRI because it mimics the effects of estrogen. But, I mean, omega 3's have shown SSRI-like properties too. At least, that's what I've gathered from everything I've read. I'm not worried about the physical symptoms if it can help me mentally. I'm willing to risk high BP and potassium deficiency if it means I can feel something... I'd give an arm and a leg at this point. The frustrating part is that there is no concise information. 

 

I've decided to decrease my dose to just one capsule a day, just in case, and I plan to take it for two weeks. 

[Altostrata]

See the discussion about licorice in the Symptoms and Self-care forum. It's a powerful endocrine disruptor.

[amiss]

Ok I read it. The fact that it boosts estrogen is something I dislike... but I'm just desperately hoping for the effect that Slim got... This is my 4th day on it, I think, and I haven't noticed anything else, anything bad or good. Not even heightened cortisol effects... That's weird to me. 

[amiss]

After Celexa *shudders* when I developed an eating disorder around September 2011, I joined an eating disorder forum and kept a blog. I would make occasional posts throughout the experience, and I've just gathered enough courage to check it out again. I logged in to the site and copy and pasted all 54 entries and put them all together onto my private blog on tumblr. Reading through it is hard because I barely remember those years, these blog entries are important insights to how I was over the past two years. A lot of it is about how I felt and about anhedonia, and although I didn't identify it as anhedonia, I definitely was aware of it throughout and in March 2012 it appears that I MAY have experienced a window where I regained some ability to cry. I had wants, like I wanted someone to take care of me and give me attention. I'd say that's an improvement. March 2012 I was at my thinnest though, worst starvation point.

 

I felt some sadness in October 2012, although later that month I wrote this and it makes me ill:

"when i cry now i cry for the same thing: my fakeness

only its not high school 17 year old jersey shore ugg boots manicures bitchy friends fake. its like a deep psychological fake. how can i be so fake to myself that i destroy my own personality and my own ideas. its like my brain is imploding, waging war against itself and literally obliterating actual pieces of what makes me a functional human being. yeah i continue to function with this fake new controller but its a fundamentally weak force, i can see it as i have breakdowns occasionally. and each time it tastes a little more suicidal.

no its not about food or image anymore. its about the absolute hate i have for the medication that seems to have raped my brain into creating this possessive nightmare figure thats dead set on my destruction.do anything to kill myself indirectly. but the real me, the part that can never die until the vessel dies, its ******* screaming in agony, in oppostion. the only way i can try to sort of order it in my mind is through these ridiculous analogy type descriptions because i am not a neuroscientist. real talk broski next time i see my therapist, no more of that overflowing gushy fake ****. its hard because i cant tell her all of it, i cant tell her the truth, as i cant tell anyone my secrets and thats what makes me the most alone. i am worried that if i do ever tell anyone, that it simply wont help and that i will be left feeling ashamed. why should i feel ashamed for things i didnt do?"

 

Oh my god, that is so horrific. It's the truth but it's so horrific. 

[Altostrata]

Anorexia causes neuroendocrine changes that affect your thinking and emotions. You are not your symptoms.

 

Please take care of yourself and keep your nervous system and endocrine system as stable as possible.

[amiss]

Yeah, but not to the deep extent that a drug can, I believe. I mean I know the numbness that anorexia causes, and it's just like depressive anhedonia. Like a comfortable numbness, a numbness that you are in control over. 

 

My hope fluctuates extremely. I go from suicidal to confident within hours or days... Right now I'm hopeful because I'm banking on the idea that this problem is neurochemical and is just a stubborn state. DP/DR is a stubborn state that lasts years without improvement, and I have reason to believe that so is anhedonia. I am grateful to know that I'm not the only one to be dealing with this, there are so many others looking for a solution. I feel like a kinship with other anhedonics. 

 

I think licorice root is having an effect. I've been having more vivid dreams! Not bad ones, either. I will continue taking it for 2 weeks like I said and see what happens. Just the 1/6th dose. Today is Day 5 I think? Yesterday I noticed that scratching actually yielded a fraction of pleasure.

 

My first blog entry was absolutely disgusting, I can't believe something so horrible came from me... I said I didn't love anyone, not my mom. I must've come far since then since I feel completely opposite to that. I don't know if it's an 'intellectual' decision to acknowledge love or if I do feel it as an emotional response. I can't say it's an improvement because I was 16 when I said that, maybe she said something bad to me, maybe I wasn't honestly thinking that, maybe I was, maybe now I'm just less angsty and more honest with myself. 

[amiss]

I checked my blood pressure after breakfast today and it was 117/64 so it's perfect. I've been feeling really lazy lately, and it was hard to get out of bed although Ive been sleeping 9+ hours lately. I tried to do a sleep deprivation experiment because I always feel more alive if I haven't slept much but... 9 hours... wtf. I had some weird dreams again, but I've forgotten them. Today is Day 6 of licorice root, and I'm not sure if I've felt any improvements. On a large dose I just felt extra zen'd out which is not ok. I'm going out with a friend later today. Hopefully I gather enough motivation to go for a run and be somewhat productive today. Hopefully today is a 'hope' day rather than a dread day, which is how I'm feeling now... dreadful. I leave for college in 6 days. 

[Altostrata]

Sleeping more is better than the opposite. It helps your nervous system heal.

[amiss]

The only thing that's good about sleeping is that I'm not thinking about how numb I am. I only slept 4 hours last night because I slept over a friend's house. I met some of my best friend's other friends last night... and I weirdly felt attracted to two girls... I mean they are butch lesbians who look like guys, but still. Weird! I'm not bi! But they're hot. I felt something. Just a little, maybe it's the licorice root. A year after CT I was quite confused as to why I felt the same numb way towards both guys and girls. I thought I was bi, and at that point it didn't matter at all. On Buspar I know for sure that I am straight and I am completely turned off by girls, but when I am numb I don't care either way. Ugh. Most of my friends are gay and it has been that way since before Celexa.

 

Tonight I'm going out with another gay friend, to a place where I should otherwise be excited. I am looking forward to it, I mean I'd rather go than stay home. Maybe I should pop a buspar; but I don't know if it works that quick, I think it might need to build up in my system first? 

 

I'm considering minoring in neuroscience thanks to all this ****.

[amiss]

After a spike of hope last night, more reading has returned me to hopelessness. I thought I would finally suck it up and try to figure out what was going on, but I know that many people have tried to do this and have gotten nowhere. I'm mostly upset that I can't get excited for college. I'm considering taking Buspar again but I'm so afraid that I'll get tremors. I'm PMSing now too so that's just making everything worse. 

[amiss]

Please please I wish I knew I would get out of this numbness. If it takes 8 more years I'll wait, I would so thankfully I would, I just need to know. I can't do this. I wish I could talk to someone right now, face to face, someone to give me some advice, to put something new in my head, some truth, reassurance.

 

I'm leaving for college in 4 days and I'm numb-stressed and numb-excited. I want a hug from my mom but I won't have one because it'll feel numb anyway. I need to feel so bad. I want to be suicidal because of depression, not numbness. This is so horrible, I don't get it. I need more than one success story to latch onto. 

 

Last night at the ****** bar my friend, who has known me since middle school, but hasn't gotten to 'know me' until our senior year at high school told me that she percieves me as "not a person but an entity". I told her she was very intuitive. She's right, I guess I'm not fooling anyone. She went on to say that her father floated through life, not making many connections, and that no one really knew him, not even his wife. I asked her if anyone knew everything about her, and of course, two people do. I admit that I've been a very secretive/private person who put on a front ever since things started to go bad, like since I was 12, but without my emotional spectrum it's probably even worse now. I've had close friends but they didn't know about my anxiety, depression, parents' divorce, crushes, true feelings about others... I lied to myself, abused myself... for some reason until now. Now I am better to myself, I try to forgive myself more. It's hard to forgive myself for taking an SSRI but the worst thing is to have regret, because no one can go back in time and prevent it, no matter how obsessively I want it. I have to move forward, it's so hard when I feel this numb. I feel like I'm losing my life. 

 

It's getting hard to even organize my thoughts or find the right words and sentences to express myself, even in my own head. It's like I'm not thinking totally honestly, I'm just not sure of anything ever.

 

I could take buspar and alleviate some of this, but that comes with the risk of tardive dyskinesia. No good without the bad? No... No almost-normal without another horrific side effect.

 

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? What can I do? 

[Karma]

Amiss ... stop beating yourself up about taking the SSRI.  If the doctors had been honest with you about the potential for emotional blunting and the difficulties coming off of these drugs you MIGHT have made a different decision ... you (or your parents) made the best decision you could at the time with the information you were given ... if you had understood something different, you might have made a different decision ... I urge you to let it go.

 

Whether you can "feel" your mother's hug or not ... take it ... in my opinion there is nothing better than hugs!  Just the action has meaning ... take it.

 

Stop focusing on whether you can or cannot feel, change the channel and focus on something else.

 

I think it is part of withdrawal that you don't know if you will ever feel again.  But in my experience over time we do begin to feel.  You will heal over time.

 

Love and light,

 

Karma

[amiss]

Amiss ... stop beating yourself up about taking the SSRI.  If the doctors had been honest with you about the potential for emotional blunting and the difficulties coming off of these drugs you MIGHT have made a different decision ... you (or your parents) made the best decision you could at the time with the information you were given ... if you had understood something different, you might have made a different decision ... I urge you to let it go.

 

Whether you can "feel" your mother's hug or not ... take it ... in my opinion there is nothing better than hugs!  Just the action has meaning ... take it.

 

Stop focusing on whether you can or cannot feel, change the channel and focus on something else.

 

I think it is part of withdrawal that you don't know if you will ever feel again.  But in my experience over time we do begin to feel.  You will heal over time.

 

Love and light,

 

Karma

 

Thank you, that lifted me up.

 

It's hard to let it go, though. It's the bad thing in my life. I'm naturally inclined to focus on the bad and according to my mom and my old therapist I make up situations to be negative when they're not. Like I assume most people see me in a negative light, when it's like always unjustified. I'm stubborn.

 

Today I read a story of a dude that had anhedonia from effexor for 8 years and suddenly recovered. And a few more stories of people who improved after 3 years off... but the scientific studies haunt me. 

[Karma]

Glad I could be of some help.

 

I've been tapering off of Effexor for years.  I am down to 4% of my original dose and I hold down a demanding full-time job.  Due to my age and some other health issues I have had to take on various challenges, but I continue to improve in health and emotional state ... I can still post that I have periods of joy, calm and feeling balanced.

 

For me the measure is whether I can enjoy the simple things.  Sometimes it is as simple as seeing a snow covered landscape and just filling up with excitement about how beautiful an undisturbed fresh coating of snow can be on the landscape (I love snow!).  Other times, like in the summer it is marveling at all the different shades of green Mother Nature is able to paint with against a pure blue sky.  In the autumn I actually collect different colored leaves so that I can really acknowledge all the colors because the reds and golds are so amazing. 

 

These are some of the simple pleasures that fill me up ... and after over 20 years on various SSRIs.  I have to think that if I can get to this place after many more years on drugs than you, then it is most likely that you will heal, too.

 

Love and light,

Karma

 

[amiss]

But I was only on for 7 1/2 months! And I was only 15 when I went on. And I went off cold turkey, and didn't ever have any debilitating problems. I have remained functional.

 

I certainly don't feel not calm and not balanced. I wish I felt out of control and on edge. I just feel like I've been lobotomized. The most dreadful thought is that it damaged some receptors and all Buspar does is stimulate the ones I have left.

 

It just feels so artificial. Everything I feel is so artificial and blunted, it's disgusting. 

 

I measure whether I can enjoy the simple things, too. Like the smell of nice soap or a cup of tea. But the PROBLEM is that I can't enjoy the simple pleasure of even stepping outside and being able to FEEL like I'm even outside! Everywhere feels just about the same.

 

Do I still try to appreciate the simple pleasures? Well I try to pay attention to them and I am consciously aware of them. I can say, yes that soap smells nice, but I don't feel it very much, or I feel like I'm lying when I think so. I know it smells nice, but it doesn't mean anything to me. It's a fake feeling. 

 

I am blunted-cheerful constantly. I want highs and lows, I want a relative or pet to die and I want to sob for weeks. I want my house to be foreclosed and I want to feel the stress of it and break down and get angry and I want my family to disown me and I want to feel like the loneliest person ever. I want to be considering suicide because I am so sad and distressed, rather than living in limbo for the next 60 years. 

[Karma]

But I was only on for 7 1/2 months! And I was only 15 when I went on. And I went off cold turkey, and didn't ever have any debilitating problems. I have remained functional.

 

I certainly don't feel not calm and not balanced. I wish I felt out of control and on edge. I just feel like I've been lobotomized. The most dreadful thought is that it damaged some receptors and all Buspar does is stimulate the ones I have left.

 

It just feels so artificial. Everything I feel is so artificial and blunted, it's disgusting. 

 

I measure whether I can enjoy the simple things, too. Like the smell of nice soap or a cup of tea. But the PROBLEM is that I can't enjoy the simple pleasure of even stepping outside and being able to FEEL like I'm even outside! Everywhere feels just about the same.

 

Do I still try to appreciate the simple pleasures? Well I try to pay attention to them and I am consciously aware of them. I can say, yes that soap smells nice, but I don't feel it very much, or I feel like I'm lying when I think so. I know it smells nice, but it doesn't mean anything to me. It's a fake feeling. 

 

I am blunted-cheerful constantly. I want highs and lows, I want a relative or pet to die and I want to sob for weeks. I want my house to be foreclosed and I want to feel the stress of it and break down and get angry and I want my family to disown me and I want to feel like the loneliest person ever. I want to be considering suicide because I am so sad and distressed, rather than living in limbo for the next 60 years. 

 

Please have patience with yourself.  You weren't on these drugs a long time in the scheme of things.  The body is miraculous and given time it will heal.  Look for the thread by Nadia ... it is an amazing testament to the fact that time does heal.

 

That you can consciously be aware of simple things that used to give you pleasure that is a positive sign in my opinion.

 

I understand that you want to feel the full range of emotions that you are entitled to as a human-being.  But words are powerful ... please do not ask for negative things to happen to you and your family ... that really isn't what you want, what you want is to feel the full range of emotions ... and you will, in time.

 

Karma

[amiss]

 

But I was only on for 7 1/2 months! And I was only 15 when I went on. And I went off cold turkey, and didn't ever have any debilitating problems. I have remained functional.

 

I certainly don't feel not calm and not balanced. I wish I felt out of control and on edge. I just feel like I've been lobotomized. The most dreadful thought is that it damaged some receptors and all Buspar does is stimulate the ones I have left.

 

It just feels so artificial. Everything I feel is so artificial and blunted, it's disgusting. 

 

I measure whether I can enjoy the simple things, too. Like the smell of nice soap or a cup of tea. But the PROBLEM is that I can't enjoy the simple pleasure of even stepping outside and being able to FEEL like I'm even outside! Everywhere feels just about the same.

 

Do I still try to appreciate the simple pleasures? Well I try to pay attention to them and I am consciously aware of them. I can say, yes that soap smells nice, but I don't feel it very much, or I feel like I'm lying when I think so. I know it smells nice, but it doesn't mean anything to me. It's a fake feeling. 

 

I am blunted-cheerful constantly. I want highs and lows, I want a relative or pet to die and I want to sob for weeks. I want my house to be foreclosed and I want to feel the stress of it and break down and get angry and I want my family to disown me and I want to feel like the loneliest person ever. I want to be considering suicide because I am so sad and distressed, rather than living in limbo for the next 60 years. 

 

Please have patience with yourself.  You weren't on these drugs a long time in the scheme of things.  The body is miraculous and given time it will heal.  Look for the thread by Nadia ... it is an amazing testament to the fact that time does heal.

 

That you can consciously be aware of simple things that used to give you pleasure that is a positive sign in my opinion.

 

I understand that you want to feel the full range of emotions that you are entitled to as a human-being.  But words are powerful ... please do not ask for negative things to happen to you and your family ... that really isn't what you want, what you want is to feel the full range of emotions ... and you will, in time.

 

Karma

 

 

Thanks. I didn't mean I want those things to happen, I just would hope to feel deep feelings in those hypothetical situations.

 

Yesterday my family came over and we had dinner together. I felt numb. But part of that could be because my body is having trouble believing that I'm leaving soon. Two days. I wanted a hug from my mom yesterday, for a little while. I got a hug from my aunt and my cousins. Didn't feel them. I went to sleep and slept 12 hours. That is very weird but it could be from PMS. I had a wild dream. Also could be PMS. Today when I woke up I felt good-ish because of yesterday. I went for a run with my music and the ecstatic shivers lasted awhile, but I didn't run much. I took my temperature and it was still 97.6. Licorice root isn't having much of an effect on that, I don't know if it's doing anything.

 

I sing sometimes and when I hear a song sometimes I get an urge to draw, and I do, and I like the portraits I draw, but it never becomes creative. Yesterday in the shower I had an urge to create a compilation of the good times of my childhood. The important pieces. 

 

I'm feeling overwhelmed by college. I'll show up and have so much to do, and I know I'll cry, but I wish I could cry a lot. I want to cry a river. 

 

Here is a TMI bit but I think it's important to say: I think I have some kind of vaginal infection, but I don't think it's a yeast infection because I had one earlier this summer, and omg that was terrible. Since starting the licorice root, I've noticed that the vaginal dryness has somewhat improved, only sometimes though, which is weird. The dryness is another thing that makes me think that this is hormone-related. On campus I will see when I have time to see a doctor and a therapist. I'm afraid that I won't be able to be completely open to my therapist. I'm afraid that they won't be able to help me...

[theelt712]

I would bring up the infection to a doc of some sort, I hope they will be able to help. Hey, when I just started school almost a week ago, I felt DRAINED. All I could do is sleep. Any sort of school is overwhelming. I WISH I could sleep 12 hours. I think the extra sleep is beneficial to healing.

[amiss]

I wish I didn't feel so sh*tty and hopeless right now. I wish I could dissociate myself from the dread and read through some studies about SSRI-anhedonia, like one I saw on paxilprogress earlier, which was geared toward finding a treatment for it, and it actually allayed my dread a little because it said that although it is indefinite in some cases, it's an alteration, and I mean, it mentioned some drugs that theoretically should help.

 

The 8 year effexor dude. Keeping him in mind.

The nice people here and on paxilprogress, their inspiring words lift the dread.

Waking up everyday and being in this situation causes the dread. 

Thinking about the founder of the pssd forum increases the dread, but then again I don't know his story... however he's pretty supportive.

 

When I get to school I'm going to see a doctor and have hormone and thyroid tests done, and whatever other tests possible. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll understand post-SSRI issues. 

 

Yesterday something that made me upset was thinking back to a hiking trip I took with my cousin and my mom and her friends, I'm upset because I experienced it post-ssri, and even though it was a 'great trip' I wasn't 'there' to really enjoy it. I enjoyed it artificially. Maybe the intense exercise gave me some endorphin-enriched windows. I definitely remember a lot, and I remember crying on the way down because I was just so stressed and in pain... wait I did cry... but did I cry a lot? I can't remember. I remember some mood swings. I remember the earrings I wanted to buy at the top of the mountain, it was mt washington so they had a store and restaurant and everything. Yeah, I believe that the exercise and constant being around people at least gave me the most relief possible. 

 

Relief meaning relief from feeling fake emotions... Previous (before SSRI) hiking trips usually ended in deep depressions where on the way home I'd listen to music and have to choke down tears because I was lonely and just so sad for no reason. I want to feel that loneliness again. 

 

From what a lot of people on these sites say, maybe I should wait it out and resist taking buspar for relief, because I am terrified of the tremors that I am susceptible to. I hope I find a therapist that is very aware and thoughtful about this, that can somehow magically change how I think about all this. 

 

The worst part is that there are no answers, and the horror stories still echo through my mind.

[amiss]

I'm not going to take fish oil or licorice root anymore. Ugh, fish oil just made things worse and I'm not sure about licorice root anymore. It hasn't made a difference. 

 

I'm stressed out. I wonder if anyone else isn't excited for college, but stressed out. I'm kicking myself now for making myself go to college so far away, even though it was a post-ssri decision. Only now do I realize that I'd prefer my family close by. Why did I think it would be so cool to go far away? I'm just stressing out my mom too. 

 

Normally I would be kind of excited for things that used to make me really excited. I know I was at least looking forward to all the vacations I've gone on in the past two years. I guess this extra stress is just really numbing me out.

 

I slept 10 hours last night. I'm a hypersomniac. I get relief in my dreams but when I wake up it's a jolt of dread and I don't know how long I can keep this up. I can't remember my dreams last night. My ankle hurts so I shouldn't run on it so much, but I need exercise and running is the most instant and relieving. I want a hug right now. I'm so stressed out, I may not feel any of it, but logically I know that I need someone to go there with me, I need my mom to come with me. I'm going to cry as much as I can at the airport tomorrow morning, although hopefully not in front of my mom because I don't want to stress her out. She will probably lose sleep over me, worrying about how I am. I remember how Radiohead's Videotape used to make me cry for no reason. I lost all the Radiohead on my itunes. I... forgot about them. 

 

I'm so desperate for a therapist I wonder how quickly I can get one. Maybe I should call down the list now?

[Altostrata]

If you wake with a jolt in the morning, you may wish to darken your bedroom with blackout shades and curtains and use a sleep mask. Light stimulation causes morning cortisol to rise -- in your case, jump. Less light might cause less of a jump.

[amiss]

If you wake with a jolt in the morning, you may wish to darken your bedroom with blackout shades and curtains and use a sleep mask. Light stimulation causes morning cortisol to rise -- in your case, jump. Less light might cause less of a jump.

 

I don't have any problems with sleeping. I don't have cortisol issue, if anything it is too low or something. I didn't mean jolt as in physical, I meant jolt as in a horrific realization of my waking state, that I am still blunted. 

 

This is too terrible. 

[Altostrata]

With time, that also will fade. Try to manage those frightening thoughts in the morning.

[amiss]

I'm having suicidal thoughts.

 

Today was my first day at college. It is midnight my time, so I am ready to sleep, but next door they are blasting music, so I cannot sleep. Seeing other people have so much fun and be so excited makes my numbness stand out to me even more.

 

This morning I woke up at 5 am to catch my flight, so I didn't have much sleep anyway. I have slight jet lag, a huge lot of stress, I'm PMS'ing, these are things that could be contributing to me feeling suicidal. 

 

One of the saddest parts is that this college is so wonderful, it couldn't be better. My roommate is nice and helpful. But I am not able to enjoy any of this. 

 

Something interesting is how much I cried today. I cried so much my eyes were sore. I cried in public, for about 3 hours. It started when it was getting to be time to say goodbye to my mom. I cried on the plane and I guess it was somewhat embarassing but I needed to let it out and crying makes me feel slightly better, it's slightly cathartic. Also on the way down, in the plane, I felt an excruciating electrical type shock in my eyebrow/nose bridge area. It scared me so bad but it went away. What could that have been? It felt like a punishment for crying... I also developed a headache similar to the one I felt while taking Buspar, localized on the left.

 

My body is so tired but I don't really feel tired. I don't want to die but I can't live like this. I can't take buspar, maybe I can try wellbutrin. but what if i can have a 'natural recovery' and wellbutrin will just delay it? I wish I knew the future. Right now I can't cope.

[Petunia]

Hi Amiss,

I'm sorry you had a difficult first day at college.  How are you now?

 

Going away to college is a huge change for anyone, so its understandable that with being in withdrawal it would cause more stress than normal.  Have you been able to get some sleep?

 

Its good that your room mate is nice, perhaps she will become a good friend.

 

As you recover, your ability to enjoy things will return.  For now, its probably more important to do what you can to be comfortable, take care of yourself and do what you need to do.  Getting a counselor to talk to will probably help.

 

I hope things are better for you next week, once you settle into your new environment and schedule, you will probably feel better.

 

Let us know how you are doing.

 

Petu

[theelt712]

Hey, I have not seen you online lately, I have been thinking of you and I hope things are ok.

[Rhiannon]

It was a nice sunny day in Portland today (well at least when I got there at like 6 pm)...how's it going?

[amiss]

Thank you all, I think of you often too. 

 

The first night was so terrible and I woke up after 5 hours of poor sleep feeling worse and worse, and I went straight to the health desk at my college that morning, and just started crying and they werent even open yet but they took me in and a nurse asked me to explain and I did, I told her everything. She hugged me and gave me water and took me to the psychologist. I told him everything, too, and he UNDERSTOOD AND ACCEPTED IT and we talked for an hour and a half! And I was crying almost the whole time and we talked about my options. I have another appt with him on Tuesday and an appt with the psych on Thursday.

 

I am so grateful that he understands. Well, he doesn't UNDERSTAND how I feel, but he knows the concept and he knows about the epidemic book and about breggins and he understands that all I care about is "What now".

 

It's EXTRA hard right now because I am on my period, and thats why I've been crying so much (I'm grateful I can cry at all, it is definitely not a bad thing) and I'm stressed out by the move.This college is a good place. In itself, nothing is wrong. Everyone's really friendly and my roommate is respectful and kind Right now I miss feeling deep loneliness, boredom, and excitement. I also miss music but I've been listening to it a lot, hoping that I get a snippet of normal feeling from it once in a while. I don't, but I still like the music on, because it stimulates me intellectually. I hate that I don't care to socialize, and when people talk about being excited, because I wish I could feel it, it's not fair. I want to start classes and get a routine. Classes start on Wednesday.

 

The night after I met with the psychologist I hung out with my roommate and we shared our music tastes, which are wicked similar, and I felt numb-good. Then in the shower I felt pretty good, the hot water felt good and I was kind of happy. I guess it was a weight off my shoulders thanks to crying so much, listening to music, and talking to the psychologist. 

 

I read a horrific study though. It's on the PSSD wikipedia page, that adolescent rats treated long term with SSRI's have permanent brain changes through adulthood. It's the most haunting thing I've ever read, and I really don't know how to handle it. Can someone else take a look at it and maybe find something hopeful in it? I'm afraid to look at it again, but I desperately need something to counter the terrible fact in that study.

[theelt712]

Well, think about it. They are rats, not humans, and they are LONG TERM treatments, aka NOT AS SHORT AS YOU AND I TOOK THE MEDS. Some of my friends that are teenage have been on SSRIs for 1-2 years, my friend was on Zoloft short term, about a week and it took her a week and a half to get over it and this was almost 2 years ago. She is fine now. I'm happy that you have a psychologist that is willing to have and a good roommate. Maybe this is the beginning of something good opening up.

 

*hugs*

 

Your friendly neighborhood ELT

[amiss]

Though the despair is disabling and ruins my sleep and appetite, at least it's a feeling. There's something kind of beautiful in it. I guess that's because feelings are beautiful. 

 

I'm going to force myself to continue being social and take care of my appearance and eat well and try to sleep and cry. It's so hard being like this, going on like this. I'm unsure of whether or not taking more drugs like wellbutrin and buspar is my best bet for ever feeling close to normal again, or if I should wait. From what I gleaned from that study, drugs are my only option. I wish it wasn't so, maybe it's not. I wish a lot of things, all the time. I feel like **** right now, it's so hard.

[amiss]

Well, think about it. They are rats, not humans, and they are LONG TERM treatments, aka NOT AS SHORT AS YOU AND I TOOK THE MEDS. Some of my friends that are teenage have been on SSRIs for 1-2 years, my friend was on Zoloft short term, about a week and it took her a week and a half to get over it and this was almost 2 years ago. She is fine now. I'm happy that you have a psychologist that is willing to have and a good roommate. Maybe this is the beginning of something good opening up.

 

*hugs*

 

Your friendly neighborhood ELT

Ok, that gives me a little hope, thank you. Maybe my brain is just so stubborn. The psychologist said that it should go back to homeostasis but for some reason mine just hasn't. Well immediately after quitting I noticed a slight change back to homeostasis, like rather than 5% feelings I have 20%.

 

I love my psychologist. I love my school for giving me so much support.

[theelt712]

I wish I had a psychologist like yours. My psychiatrist wants me on medication, and if I'm not on meds than she "can't help me 100%". And no problem! I love those little windows. I've been having some of them lately.

[amiss]

I don't have windows at all, though. I've just been stuck at 20% since coming off. Mine's a painfully gradual improvement if there is one at all. I do draw almost everyday now, but not really in a creative way. Just portraits of musicians. Crying and running both release endorphins, that's why I like them so much. 

[Karma]

Well, ELT is right ... that study was on rats ... and you are not a rat ... you are a human ... and it was on long-term use and your use was short-term. I personally wouldn't go off of one study on rodents.

 

You did the right thing going to talk to the psychologist for help.  Maybe by your appointment next week the emotions of being on your period will have leveled out. 

 

When you see the psych doc, please consider having a health amount of skepticism ... you know how being on these drugs and then going cold turkey off of them effected you before.  You might see if you can do "talk therapy" with the psychologist rather than initially trying a drug therapy.  Just a thought since it seems you connected well with this psychologist. 

 

I did talk therapy way back in the 90's when I was first diagnosed and I have to tell you that I use some of the methods I learned back then still, today.

 

It seems to me that you are quite functional aside from anhedonia.  I've read so many stories about people who fell into brain fog and were virtually unable to learn or work from being on these drugs.  Just be thoughtful about your choices.

 

Hang in there and thank you so much for posting ... we were a little worried about you.

 

Karma