acetyl Asenapine (Saphris) Withdrawal hell

[bubble]

Hello acetyl!

 

I'm very sorry things are still very rough for you. I watched your video, think it's absolutely amazing and plan to show it to some of my friends who have difficulties understanding all this and I have problems explaining. Thank you so much for doing it!

 

I know how things must be feeling right now. When I was (am) like this I say I would eat crocodiles just to get a bit of a relief. And before I came here, I did that, actually something even worse than crocodiles: Xanax, my poison of choice. It indeed provided a temporary relief but more importantly, it gave me a sense of control that things won't get even worse and hope they will end sooner. However, in the long run I ended up on higher doses and some of the worst anxiety that I felt was actually caused by this and my other poison here. (as you realised much sooner than me). I only now realised that there are other much less harmful things which can give me this much needed sense of control and hope.

 

You are handling this much better than I did in many years. I'm sorry that we can't be of more help than tell you from the other side of this dark river that you will make it, that it is possible to swim across . Unfortunately I don't know of other method than clenching your teeth and doing what you are doing now: enduring, looking into things that can bring you relief and reaching out.

 

I'd just like to say that when your CNS is so sensitive and raw as ours are, a lot of supplements can cause adverse effects. I'm sure you've probably been advised that magnesium and omega 3 have proved to be the safest. 

 

I absolutely understand the need to do and try absolutely anything that might bring some relief. Even reading about something that might help helped me. So if you want to try some supplements, look into iherb.com. They delivered the products at very reasonable prices even to my little country so I'm sure they will ship them to Australia. Whatever you decided to try, start a very small dose and one supplement at a time to see how it affects you and remain in control in case something goes amiss. I always like to ask people here about their opinion on anything I take.

 

If I were you, I'd absolutely go for magnesium. I ordered some from iherb. Magnesium glycinate proved to be the best since it's mild for the stomach. Start with the lowest dose and then increase when you see how it affects you. It's safe and helps with anxiety. In case you haven't read this yet: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

Also give yourself a lot of credit for what you are going through and the way you are handling it! In my opinion, it's one of the worst human experiences. But many of us are a proof that things do get better and sometimes, very often, sooner than we expect. Those of us who have been in withdrawal for years have most likely also been on meds for decades as yours truly here. Plus we changed meds, went CT many times before we knew better and other things. There are no guarantees here but realistically speaking, I don't see a reason in your history that things should take that long for you. I'd even say: no way, man Even for those of us who take time healing for all the reasons I indicated, it's not so painful all the time as it is for you at this very moment. I was in a most awful state in October, dragged around with great difficulty for a few months, swam in axiety day and night and gradually things got better. After all atrocities I (advised by my doctor) did to my CNS, now in May I feel very well. Regained a lot of my faculties, enjoy and do things, etc., etc. 

 

So there is absolutely no doubt in my mind you will make it. And I dare say, before you know it. 

 

How is your sleep? Whenever in need of hope or anything, come here. I found it very, very helpful.

 

big hug,

 

bubble

[acetyl]

Thank you so much bubbles, that was really inspiring and hopeful to read.

 

I'm currently taking powdered magnesium (in a blend that has a few other things like taurine, B vitamins and glutamine in it), vitamin E and fish oil. I wasn't sure if they were really doing anything, but then I missed taking them one day and was noticeably worse off. 

 

I'm currently on 45mg of Largactil (Chlorpromazine), although I'm not really sure if it's doing anything and kind of wish I'd just gritted me teeth and fought through this without trying to reinstate with another antipsychotic. I also unfortunately have a small benzo habit after 5 weeks of use- 1.25mg diazapam morn and night; at that dose it does absolutely nothing for my anxiety, but I'm definitely not comfortable lowering it at all until things are considerably more stable. 

 

Sleep is all over the shop. Sometimes I get to sleep quickly, sometimes it takes hours, but almost always I awake between 3:00 - 4:00am and find it very hard to fall back in to any kind of deep sleep after that. 

[bubble]

now we have something to work with

 

it's actually not of no consequence what kind and how much magnesium we are taking (as I also thought at first

 

That's why we are here advising "pure" forms and avoid "everything in one". Although in general beneficial for brain cells, Vitamins B can be too activating for the CNS that is struggling, glutamine I don't know about and taurine also comes with mix success. It seems magnesium is helping so if I were you, I'd get myself pure magnesium and try to updose a bit and see how it felt. (also if you are taking a mix of everything that helps (in general), you won't know which substance your CNS finds too much at the moment). 

 

Don't fight reinstating. It's not a defeat. It's not only a much less painful way of leaving meds forever but it is also a much safer one with more guarantees of success. Once you stabilise, you will come off it in a safe way which will not interfere with your life. (This approach is also called harm reduction. Quitting medication too abruptly causes more harm than staying on the med for a while longer.)

 

Don't apologize for benzo. We were all sooner or later advised by caring professionals to take them (and some like me can't believe that it's been 14 years of my totally inability to stop taking it). But don't beat yoursef about it! At the same time, don't neglect its potential to harm even when taken only for 5 weeks and in a small dose. I would actually advise you to start a thread on our benzo sub-forum here to get more detailed advice on what to do  and how to go about this diazepam. It might be even causing something called inter dose withdrawal. But you will get more info on that in the other forum.

 

It would be good to add all medication and supplements you are taking in your signature (however infrequently and in small doses) . Everything matters and the devil is in the detail.

 

It's good that you can sleep regardless of the disrupted pattern. Most of us are very familiar with waking up at the hour you mention. It's made itself so notorious that it even has a name: cortisol mornings. Others can explain it a lot better but that anxiety producing hormone kicks in as the sunlight prepares the whole body to rise and shine. Have you been advised to darken your room as much as possible to avoid such wakenings? I was very surprised to see how much difference closing my blinds completely made.

 

Reading this could make things a bit more bearable http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/33-early-morning-waking-with-panic-or-anxiety/

 

you'll be fine

[Altostrata]

It seems that since acetyl is feeling some benefit from his mixed supplement, he might add a bit of mag glycinate to it and perhaps experience a benefit from both.

[Petunia]

This anxiety is just so intense and it doesn't come and go in waves, it is just absolutely constant. I know some of you on here have been in withdrawal for years and years and I just can't stand the thought of feeling like this for that long, it will kill me. So scared

 

 

There's no reason you will be in withdrawal for years and years, from what I've learned, long term withdrawal problems seem to mostly effect people who have been on meds a long time, been polydrugged and/or went CT or too fast taper and haven't been able to reinstate successfully.  Try to take things a day at a time and the windows will start to come.

 

Like Bubble mentioned, iHerb is very good for supplements. They do ship to Australia.  I've been using them, good quality, very reasonable prices, good service and fast shipping.

[acetyl]

Things have quite miraculously stabilised. I don't feel 'normal', still have that inner shaky/restless feeling, but it's at a level that's completely manageable. Going to hold for a few weeks at least and then try a small drop, like 5% just to see how my brain copes. 

[bubble]

what a relief! And what a powerful learning experience: after the worst of storm, everything suddenly and unexpectedly calms down - without changing medication, just if we treat our CNS to some stability.

 

Also, holds are something that heals. So unless the drug causes harsh side effects, the longer the holds, the more healing is happening.

 

and healing comes in windows and waves. Which means that after a wave there comes a window. But also, after a window there comes a wave (only a bit shorter and a bit less harsh). and then a window again. (and so on

 

At least a few weeks is a good plan (and maybe even a bit longer  

[WinningThrough]

That's fantastic acetyl! So glad to hear that!

[Altostrata]

Very good to hear, acetyl.

 

Yes, give it at least a few weeks, or even longer.

 

What was Dr. Purssey's plan for tapering?

[acetyl]

Yes, I'll need to feel further improvement yet before I even consider lowering the dose. Especially this morning I still really don't feel too good (dizzy, racing heart, highly anxious, foggy in the head), but it's not at that out of control panic level.

 

Dr Purssey agreed that it is definitely best to hold things as they are for a while. He is of the view that at such a low dose (45mg), Chlorpromazine is basically just acting as a strong anti-histamine and that I'm only on a smidgen of Valium. He probably has in his mind a taper that would still be fairly aggressive compared to what is advised on this board. But I'm confident he will listen and be willing to allow me to go at a rate I feel comfortable with. He's big on getting me back in the workforce, starting on a part time basis at the end of this month. If recovery was a linear process, I'd be confident that in 3 weeks time I probably will be well enough to do a days work, but with the well known waves and windows pattern of recovery, the prospect of returning to work is very scary. 

 

 

I ordered some stuff from iHerb and it got here in under 3 days, from US to Australia, wow!

 

Some milligram jewellers scales are also on there way.  

[acetyl]

Sigh, window didn't last very long, back with horrific agitation and anxiety, trying to convince the brain that death isn't the answer is very difficult

[mammaP]

Hi Acetyl, sorry that your window has slammed shut on you but be assured that this wave will

end and the window will open again. Just ride that wave and take each day as it comes until it has

subsided. I hope it doesn't last long for you. 

 

I see you are taking a multi B  supplement,  many of us has found B vits too activating and add to

the restlessness and agitation.  Maybe this isn't the case for you but be aware of that.  

[acetyl]

Decided to do some researching of the literature to better understand wtf has happened to my brain. Actually quite astounded at what sustained use of 10mg/day Asenapine is documented to do:

 

- Blocks upwards of 80% of D2 receptors and substantially blocks 5-HT(1,2,5,6,7) receptors in the CNS, causing significant up-regulation of receptor numbers.

- Significantly enhances NMDA currents (glutamate potentiation/ hyperexcitability)

- Significantly elevates neuronal firing rates 

- Significantly elevates dopamine, serotonin and norepinepherine levels in the brain (via increasing neurotransmitter efflux in the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex).

 

 

 ...Fantastic, at least it cements my theories for why I constantly feel inhumanely hyper-agitated. Also looks like one hell of a mess for my CNS to try and re-establish homeostasis from I'm a crying mess atm, on my hands and knees praying for a window to open soon.

[bubble]

Sending you healing vibrations. You know it all so there's not much else I can do at the moment.

 

Except also confirm that when feeling awful, trying to understand why is the only thing that I'm interested in and that provides some relief. I also found reading about neuroplasticity very helpful: our brain is stronger than anything they do to it and it recovers. So every moment of this ordeal is bringing you closer to recovery.

 

bug hug,

 

bubble

[Altostrata]

You're going to be all right, acetyl. It may take time, hang in there.

[acetyl]

... I just feel I can't go on, I'm so sorry everyone, this excruciating rushing pain in my head is so severe, every minute feels like eternity... 4 months now and it's not getting any better, I just don't feel human,  I don't want to live like this it's too hard.

[WinningThrough]

Oh acetyl, this is awful for you and I am so sorry. I feel the same at the moment. I keep using the words 'at the moment' to help me through.

 

Remember that you've had times when you've felt better? Hold on to those times. They will happen again.

 

I think the thing is that we all want to feel ok right now. Immediately. I know I do! The brain thinks in real time. We want to be better straight away. But any illness takes time.

 

It's impossible for you to see right now but I'm sure you have loads of incredible years ahead of you. When you're through this, it will be so worth it.

 

What's happened to you is wrong on so many levels and unfair in the extreme.

 

I hope you get a window soon.

[Petunia]

Acetyl, please do what ever you can to get through these painful moments, there is no need to be sorry, you are suffering badly. I know it seems like this will never end, but it will.  Many of us have been at a place where we have felt like its too hard to go on, impossible to take another day, but then a small window opens, and there is hope again.

 

I went through a period where the only reason I held on was for my family, I was hurting so bad, every day, I didn't want to live any more.  But I wasn't prepared to do anything to hurt my family, so I kept going.

 

You are young and will heal, you have a future waiting for you, but you need to look inside and find the strength to get through this challenge.  One day you will look back on this as a memory, having gained a lot of strength from the experience.

[acetyl]

I'm going to work tomorrow. Dr Purssey insists on it and has rung HR saying I'm well enough to do so. God help me, my brain throbs, my head feels so foggy I struggle to read more than a few lines at a time and this crazy anxiety won't subside... I'm hoping by some miracle forcing my body to do this will actually be helpful in my recovery, I just hope the really strong suicidal urges from a few days ago don't intensify.

[Petunia]

Its possible that it may help.  Just try and be gentle with yourself, don't expect too much, aim for getting through the day a few moments at a time.

Sending positive thoughts across to you.... I'm in Perth.

[bubble]

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so hard for so long.

 

Hmmmm about what dr Purseey said from someone who has lots (over 13 years) of experience of working and before that studying in situations of more or less challenging psychological functioning. I more than agree that being active is very important and it helped me to manage my symptoms. I have no idea what I'd have done had I been at home with my symptoms and not surrounded by people however challenging that was at times.

 

On the other hand, when I was doing extremely bad, working and trying to function was extremely painful for me. Sometimes I was in a state of panic just at the thought of going to work.

 

From these two positions, I'd advise you to listen and respect yourself even if it means challenging the doctor. If you feel absolutely horrified at the thought of going to work, don't go even if the doctor thinks otherwise. Also you can try out the strategy that I found helpful: you go telling yourself that if things get too much you will simply leave.

 

Of course that you will treat yourself very gently at work and cut yourself a lot of slack. How is your working environment? (I never told anyone at work about my issues and put a lot of energy into pretending I was ok).

 

You will see how it goes and react accordingly but it's good to give it a try. 

 

good luck! we are rooting for you

[Altostrata]

You may find that working distracts you from how bad you feel. You'd be surprised, you can get by at work with a lot less brainpower than you think!

[acetyl]

That was unfortunately a disaster, I couldn't hold it together to save myself. Seeing all my colleagues and my ex-girlfriend all so happy and fully functional just sent me spiralling, I had to get out of there after 2 hours. 

 

I think I've finally figured out what's happened to me. I've had a drug withdrawal induced nervous breakdown. It fits absolutely perfectly the accounts I've read on the net:

 

http://www.womensagenda.com.au/talking-about/editor-s-agenda/what-i-learned-from-having-a-nervous-breakdown-at-25/201310103024#.U41P53KSySo

 

http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/mental-illness/mh-articles/my-nervous-breakdown/

 

It explains the very very extreme emotional distress, yet little physical symptoms I'm experiencing. I think this sums it nicely:

"The breakdown I experienced earlier this year was singularly the most painful, distressing, chaotic and fear inducing period of my life. I literally just could not think straight in any way, my brain shut down and wasn’t functioning on any level. It was a constant daily fight to get through each conversation, each hour, each day.

The road to recovery following a nervous breakdown is hard work, it could take anywhere from 6 months to 3 years to fully recover. It can be done however, it’s not going to be easy, pretending it isn’t there won’t help but just cause longer term problems, it’s going to be painful, destructive and the hardest fight of your life."

 

 

 

 

[Petunia]

You tried, and that's the important thing. I'm glad you managed to leave when it became too overwhelming. Even though I was previously encouraging, I was still a little concerned, I don't think anyone can imagine how difficult acute withdrawal symptoms are, unless they have actually experienced them, even one of the 'better' psychiatrists.

 

Now you know that it will just take a little more time.

 

Thank you for letting us know how it went.

[Altostrata]

I wouldn't call it a nervous breakdown. You have problems focusing because of the withdrawal syndrome, and a emotional reaction because you felt you couldn't function.

 

Healing from a withdrawal-induced "nervous breakdown" is indistinguishable from healing from withdrawal.

 

Don't blame yourself. You'll have to let Dr. Purssey know you're not ready yet to go back to work.

[acetyl]

A little bit recovered now, don't feel like just lying down on the couch all day. I'm really hoping this will be the start of a window that sees me reach ~80% so I finally feel confident enough to make a small drop. If that does occur I'm thinking of getting off the small amount of valium I'm on first over the next few months before tackling the chlorpromazine.

 

I had a talk to my grandmother who has taken much interest in what I'm going through. She confessed that her sister has been taking seropax (oxazepam) at pretty hefty doses for a number of years and seems to have become more and more agitated and easily upset over time. Based on my suggestions she's now seen a GP who is going to guide her on to a valium equivalence so she doesn't suffer from daily interdose withdrawals. Given she is in her 80s though it may be best she just lives out her life on a stable dose of valium rather than try to withdraw. 

[Narcissus]

Glad things are looking up, acetyl.

[acetyl]

The window continues to open. Feeling about 50-60% today

[WinningThrough]

Fantastic!

[Northcoastboy]

In April you wrote;

 

I travelled up to Brisbane to have my appointment with Dr Robert Purssey in person.

 

All I can say is thank you so much Alto for putting me in contact with him. He was extremely knowledgeable on psycho-pharmacology and withdrawal and was appalled at the treatment I'd received through 'modern psychiatry'. He has provided me with an extensive amount of resources on topics to help me through this tough time and to better my life once I'm more stabilised.

 

 

Hi glad to hear you are improving.

What were the extensive resources and topics above. Did it include relaxation, breathing techniques etc?

[acetyl]

Hi glad to hear you are improving.

What were the extensive resources and topics above. Did it include relaxation, breathing techniques etc?

 

 

Yeah and he has continued since to provide me with weekly exercises and techniques to help me through each day:

Meditations

Breathing exercises

Action plans that I have to try to achieve

Exercises to help with sleep

Exercises to help maintain cognition

Lots of theory and quick reads related to dealing with anxiety and obsessive thoughts

 

The model he uses is called Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), it draws a lot from Buddhist mindfulness but without the philosophical component. There's a book he recommended called "The reality slap", it is specifically filled with techniques and exercises to help those facing a very painful reality at the moment (e.g. cancer patients, death in the family etc.), it translates perfectly with what we are going through as withdrawal sufferers. If you want to spend $10, you can buy an mp3 file that contains half a dozen guided exercises from the book:

 

http://www.actmindfully.com.au/bookshop_detail.asp?id=856&catid=62

[acetyl]

Sorry, this just turned in to a big painful rant, I'm not looking for comfort or anything, just venting my extreme frustration and sadness...

 

The last week has been the WORST in my whole withdrawal ordeal. The racing sensation and pain in my head has amplified 1000% like my brain is firing a million times faster than it should and my sleep deteriorated to nil. At least before I would fall asleep and then wake up 3-4 hours later, now I'm struggling terribly to ever fall asleep. It is so agonizing  and debilitating I've gone days where I ate basically nothing, couldn't find the brain power to shower or dress myself. 

 

 Dr Purssey has consulted with my parents and said that it's my state of mind and this can now no longer be a result of the withdrawal. There is just NO WAY I could fabricate how I feel right now, it is so far beyond the realm of normal human emotion and experience it's insanity. It's not an anxiety disorder, there's no racing heart, no lump in the throat, no nervousness, it is entirely within my brain. It's like 1000% more glutamate is being release than it should and it's causing everything to go berserk. I feel like Dr Purssey is just frustrated with trying to deal with me now, he's taught me all of his mindfulness techniques, given me plans to follow and activities to do and now doesn't understand why I haven't linearly improved to a stable a normal level by now. 

 

I'm now on my own really. Even mum, who was only ever extremely supportive now deliberately avoids where I'am or won't look at me as she doesn't want to hear about the pain I'm in.

 

Something needs to change. I really don't know if this chlorpromazine Dr Purssey introduced was a good idea, it seems to just be causing a nuance of side effects and it has quite a different receptor binding profile to Saphris that I don't think it does much of a job at all at relieving withdrawals. 

I'm craving the idea of reinstating a smidgen of Saphris. I know I had a hypersensitivity reaction last time as reinstating 5mg was way too much. If just 0.5 or 1mg quells things a bit it would be a humongous relief. I'd need to convince my parents though which is basically impossible as after witnessing the hypersensitivity reaction I had they say there's no way in hell I'm taking Saphris ever again at any dose. 

 

 

I'm feeling pretty down. People say their withdrawal was 'hell' but then mention they did things during it like work, exercise or take up a new hobby. I would kill to be able to swap places with people in that position. Try living a life where every waking second you are in so much agony you clutch your head and feel like screaming because it's like some psychic force is massacring your brain. 

 

I don't know what to do I thought about going in to a private hospital just for my own safety at the moment as I'm getting extremely intrusive and provocative thoughts about suicide , but then I read the information on their 'program' for mental disorders and it makes me squirm  'after consultation, a formal diagnosis can be made and a treatment regimen begun', plus they mention pioneering ECT in Australia and are developing a new technique called cranial magnetic something... So it sounds like that would be about the worst thing I could possibly do. 

 

I could put up with ANYTHING else, I would happily have extreme nausea, vomiting, tinnitus, muscle cramps, brain zaps, delirium, fatigue etc. I could manage those, they would be debilitating, but I could live with them. This extreme mental pain is just a different level of hell. 

 

I just don't understand how now, after having some small windows things can become the worst they've ever been. 

[Altostrata]

I'm sorry, I have to disagree with Dr. Purssey. He needs to learn from you here.

 

Can you get a smidgen of Saphris? Perhaps you can persuade him to add it.

[acetyl]

I re-read the reinstatement thread and other peoples experiences with reinstatement and can only really conclude that at 4-5 months out it probably wouldn't work, no matter how badly I want relief from this agony

[Petunia]

 Dr Purssey has consulted with my parents and said that it's my state of mind and this can now no longer be a result of the withdrawal.

 

I'm shocked and disappointed to read this and also disagree.  I don't understand how he could have suddenly come to this conclusion just because his methods haven't worked as fast as he expected. He may well feel frustrated, but that's not your fault.

 

I'm sorry you have had a bad week.  Does it seem like this wave may be subsiding a little.  I read through your thread on the other site, the one you mentioned in your first post here.  I'm glad you have been able to get some support there, they seem like a nice bunch of people.  I also read back through your thread here and you seem to be going through the typical window and wave pattern of a recovering nervous system, even though the windows have been very small.

 

If I were in your situation, I would be hesitant to reinstate a drug you had such a bad reaction to.  This is my opinion, but I don't think you are in withdrawal from any one drug in particular, but have a brain in 'chaos', as a result of too many drugs, changes and an obvious adverse reaction.  Your original problem, which should have been treated with more appropriate kinds of therapy, hasn't been worked out either, and that is probably still causing added anxiety. 

 

I wish I knew what to say to be more helpful, I'm in a similar situation, my life has been put on hold because of drugs and a lack of good treatments, support and systems.  But you are a lot younger than me, I'm so sorry this has happened to you when you are at the beginning of your life.  You will recover, its just going to take longer than you would like, and longer than everyone around you would like, including Dr. Purssey.  He does have a lot to learn if he's really going to be helpful regarding drug withdrawal, I've developed some doubts about him after reading about your experience with him.

 

I'm a mother myself, its a very special kind of agony to see your child in pain and not be able to do anything to take that pain away, it may seem like you mum isn't being so supportive, but I think its probably that she is feeling helpless and terrified herself and doesn't know what to do.  Perhaps it would help your situation if you parents were able to read Robert Whitaker or Peter Breggin's books, or watch some of the online material.

 

Its a natural human reaction to turn to authority figures for help, when we are in trouble, this is what we have all been taught to do, but sometimes that's not the best thing for us. You know what you are experiencing, you know your own truth, only you can decide what is best for you... hold onto that and make your decisions from that place.

 

This is just a thought, from my own experience, but I have found fish oil to be stimulating, I've experimented a lot with it and find I do better not taking it.  I have also found taurine to be mentally calming, especially when I first started taking it.  I don't seem to need it now, or not as often anyway.

 

Do you have a daily pattern to your symptoms?  Is there any time of the day where you usually feel worse, or better... or anything like that?

[acetyl]

 

Do you have a daily pattern to your symptoms? Is there any time of the day where you usually feel worse, or better... or anything like that?

the pattern at the moment is a week where things are bearable, followed by a week of agony; with the most recent being the worst yet. But it looks like it may be passing today, fingers crossed.

 

does any book talk about just how long and severe withdrawals can be and mention the windows/waves recovery? That's what no one can at all comprehend, how I seem to improve and then get hit like a truck.

 

Dr. Purssey is just extremely passionate about mindfulness therapy. I've tried again and again to explain how bad the pain in my head is and how atypical and intense the anxiety and cognitive dysfunction is, but his response is always that 'these are stories your mind is telling you' that I can diffuse from them, drop the struggle and return to normal living. There's no denying mindfulness meditation helps in accepting withdrawal, but this isn't a generalised anxiety disorder or panic attacks that you can just accept and live through, it is so much more severe and disabling. But he just doesn't understand or accept that. He expects linear improvement through gradual exposure to more and more stressful stimuli on a weekly basis. I believe he is better than 98% of psychiatrists in that he sees only a very small scope in which psychoactive drugs should ever be used. But his view on withdrawal is that only long term xanax or klonopin users really suffer, not short term users of an AD/AP like me.

 

More than anything I wish I was suffering like I am drug free. To get through this and then Still have an antupsychotic and benzo to get off makes me feel like my recovery will span decades